CLIVEN ON THE EDGE
Week of 04/25/14
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Cliven Bundy: If People Think I'm Racist, Blame MLK Jr.
–– 'If they think I'm an idjit, blame DNA.'
How my boyfriend and I learned to live on one income
–– I hook, he pimps.
'Mrs. Doubtfire' Was Most-Aired Movie on Basic Cable in 2013
–– And it's still musty.
Nude awakening! Emma Stone reveals side boob in pale Prada dress at the New York premiere of The Amazing Spider-Man 2
–– Jamie Foxx looks stunning standing next to her.
SINS OF THE MOTHER: Las Vegas woman who killed ex-husband 22 years ago now convicted of trying to kill son with same gun
–– Sonovagun!
Putin calls Internet ’CIA project’
–– Al Gore sues for credit.
15 Signs He’s a Keeper
–– 11. Bees.
Should Cats or Dogs Sleep in Bed with You? We Ask Vet Professionals What They Do
–– 'They snore and steal the covers.'
Hamster-sized deer born in Spain
–– Nicknamed Hambi.
Kim Jong Un mobbed by crying female soldiers
–– His bodyguards stood on their toes.
Wrigley Field’s 100th birthday cake thrown away uneaten, Cubs disappointed
–– It’s a metaphor.
Obama: Japan robots a ‘little scary’
–– Especially ones in school girl uniforms.
Powdered Alcohol, Coming to a Liquor Store Near You
–– Just add vodka!
Another reason to drink more coffee?
–– Powdered alcohol!
Mom bites pit bull as it attacks girl
–– A pit bull with lipstick.
Meth users here as young as 9
–– But they grow up really fast.
Elmo Puppeteer Kevin Clash Cleared of Sex Abuse Charges
–– Elmo to receive undisclosed settlement.
Postman jailed for stashing mail
–– And mailing stash.
‘Indian Spider-Man’ runs for office
–– With web-based campaign.
‘Guns everywhere’ now the law in Georgia
–– Especially up asses.
Should a Chimp Be Able to Sue Its Owner?
–– Like, could Governor Deal of Georgia sue the NRA?
Sherpas Move to Shut Everest in Labor Fight
–– Scab goats offer to guide climbers.
Copacabana clashes turn deadly
–– Barry Manilow a suspect.
Delinquent IRS workers get bonuses
–– For stealing soda pop and knocking over headstones.
Plane starts crashing, pilot jumps
–– Sounds like a plan.
Maine couple attacked by moose
–– After rebuffing their offer of a threesome.
She could turn Texas purple
–– By strangling the morons in the state house.
McCain calls Russia a ‘gas station’
–– With bathrooms that don't work.
Today’s cutest pig-eats-salad video
–– Chris Christie with a Panera’s Chicken Caesar.
Teen flies to Hawaii in landing gear
–– Would do anything to get leid.
Stowaway could have been in ‘hibernative’ state
–- Like Congress.
Is it possible to live forever?
–– Yes, in landing gear.
MH370: Drone sent back down
–– To minors.
Will skeleton solve 1979 cold case?
–– If he bones up on it.
10 Things you didn’t know about Las Vegas
–– 8. What stays there rots.
What’s Japan’s Guilty Secret?: (Hint) It’s Not The Comfort Women
–– Godzilla bukkake.
Why big buttocks can be bad for your health
–– Suffocation risk for rappers.
Watch a tiny puppy squirm in Curtis Granderson’s baseball mitt
–– Watch Mets fan squirm when Granderson steps to plate.
Chance the Rapper Hospitalized, Cancels Coachella Set
–– How big a chance?
NASA spacecraft slams into dark side of the moon as planned
–– Into Pink Floyd crater.
Massive sinkhole threatens homes
–– With eviction.
’US ground forces to be sent to Poland’
–– There’s a massive sinkhole in Warsaw and authorities are looking into it.
10 Oldest Dog Breeds Known to Man
–– 4. King, Larry Spaniel.
Saudi Arabia to build tallest tower, reaching 1 kilometer into the sky
–– With Sheikh Shack on top floor.
Pot lovers flock to Denver 420 festival
–– Share pot luck supper.
Has Apple found Nessie?
–– Lotsa Loch!
10 things Italy does better
–– 3. Billionaire Prime Ministers.
7 ways to be more interesting
–– 7. Stop reading now.
Boy stumbles upon prehistoric find
–– Stepping in Stegosaurus scat.
Flight 370 search at ‘critical juncture’
–– CNN ratings in jeopardy.
Heartbleed forces healthcare.gov reset
–– Republicans blame bleeding hearts.
Lawsuit: I want ‘8theist’ car tags
–– DMV gave him ‘πus.’
Gunmen attack Pakistani news anchor
–– Kicked in Karachi.
GOP wants to be ‘iPhone party’
–– Instead of ‘Rotary Club.’
The car GM never wanted to build
–– A safe one.
Cartels show force on social media
–– Including Instagrams.
NOR EASTER
Week of 04/18/14
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Easter egg hunt reveals dead body
––
Police issue rabbit warrant.
Drone finds 1,000-year-old village
–– Bombs it.
James Franco's Ex-Managers Sued for Embezzling Actor's Money
–– When does he even have time to be defrauded?
Miley Cyrus faces long recovery from ’extreme allergic reaction’
–– In latest slang for coke habit.
U.S. ‘trolling’ jihadists on social media
–– On Fatwabook and Instabomb.
Bloomberg: I’m coming after the NRA
–– Packing a semi-automatic revolving line of credit.
’X-Men’ director accused of sex abuse
–– Of XXX-Boys.
They put a Ford Mustang HERE?
–– In Bryan Singer’s ‘garage’?
The Clintons soon to be grandparents
–– A little Bubba’s on the way.
Portland: Teen urinated in water supply
–– And, boy, are we pissed.
KISS band member Paul Stanley was born with just one ear
–– Listeners wish they were that lucky.
Tracy Morgan Is ‘Worried’ About Alec Baldwin
–– Enraged Baldwin sends him head of paparazzo.
Fox & Friends Celebrates Earth Day by ‘Cheering’ Fossil Fuels
–– And doing bong hits on a Hummer’s exhaust pipe.
Eric Cantor Describes His Extremely Awkward Phone Call With Obama
–– 'Hello, Mr. Community Organizer.' 'Hello, Outhouse Majority Leader.'
Texting Driver Who Slammed Cyclist: I, Like, ‘Just Don’t Care’
–– Spinal injury? :–)
Nearly 2 million homeowners no longer ‘seriously’ underwater
–– Their bodies floated to surface.
Blake Farenthold Introduces Bill To Withhold Eric Holder’s Paycheck
–– Opponents introduce bill to withhold Blake Farenthold’s air supply.
Male Police Officer Dresses As Amish Woman To Catch Alleged Child Predator
–– Bugger in a buggy.
Rush Limbaugh thinks Hillary Clinton may have faked her show-throwing incident
–– And advances second shoer theory.
Rapper severs penis, jumps off building
–– Makes Harvey Levin wet self.
Large al Qaeda meeting in Yemen, led by No. 2
–– Dr. Evil couldn’t make it.
Lindsay Lohan’s mom pleads guilty
–– She admits to giving birth to her.
Two brothers re-arrested in Pakistan for cannibalism
–– Charges 'tough to swallow.'
We Can't Believe We Never Thought of Painting Eggs This Way
–– In utero!
Rand Paul, Ted Cruz Test Presidential Waters in New Hampshire
–– By pissing in Lake Winnipesaukee.
Dog Found Roaming the Streets of Los Angeles Finds Celebrity Home
–– Tori Spelling remembered where she lives.
Jennifer Garner: Ben Affleck Taught Our Son About ‘His Bits’
–– And why he’s a prick.
Oprah Brings Pharrell to Tears
–– Sits on hat.
Oops! Airline sends pornographic tweet
–– Promoting Mile High Club.
’Hangry’ spouses are more aggressive
–– Especially those with an 'enmity stomach.'
This Pot Vending Machine Is Just As Awesome As It Sounds
–– But why no munchies?
Memo: Christie cried over bridge mess
–– And all the delayed pizza deliveries.
DJ Rand Paul takes requests
–– But refuses to stick disc ‘there.’
Actress’ naked toothbrush lunges
–– At dressed teeth.
Bear drags woman from garage
–– Where she was changing tire on his bike.
Prince George’s Dating Prospects Look Good with Moms Offering Daughters To Kate Middleton, Prince William on Royal Tour
–– For some truly kinky three-ways.
Smelly Cat Returned After Parents Claim “He Farts All the Time”
–– But owners keep cats that can talk.
President and First Lady Mix Business With Pleasure in NYC
–– At dead presidents' gang bang.
‘Sharknado 2’ Filmmakers Crowdfunding $50,000 for Bonus Chainsaw Scene
–– Which will definitely get cut.
The mystique of Punjab
–– She’s blue and can transform into a Kashmiri.
Man covered by 500,000 bees
–– In sting operation.
Hundreds sickened on cruise ship
–– After Tony Orlando’s first set.
Baby no longer wanted by police
–– Alibi baby in the treetop.
Ryan to GOP: Give up infighting for Lent
–– Easter Bunny to Ryan: ‘Get real.’
Kayaker encounters rare oarfish
–– Humping his paddle.
Obamas’ income drops 21%
–– President redoubles effort to hike federal minimum wage.
LACED WITH VENOM
Week of 04/11/14
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Hillary Clinton dodges shoe during Las Vegas speech
–– Feels footloose and fancy free.
Reproductive organs grown in lab
–– In testes tube.
Get ready for the 'blood moon'
–– Baby's gonna be so on the rag.
Inside the Not-so-Secret Art of Pitchers Using Foreign Substances on the Mound
––
Including yak dung, Mexican hair gel and Nutella.
Pope: Forgive church for sexual abuse
–– Say two Our Fathers, three Hail Marys, and one I Plead the Fifth.
Taylor Kitsch on Favorite Jeans: ‘They Had to Get the Crotch Elongated’
–– ‘I’m that big of a dick.’
Boston bomber wanted name change
–– To Osama bin Lamer.
What David Letterman Did That Will Never Be Done Again
–– Let Paul Shaffer open his mouth on TV.
‘Fast and Furious’ to be park ride
–– Stay out of the Porsche Carrera GT bumper car.
‘Jackass’ star jumps into shallow river, calls San Antonio officials ‘irresponsible’
–– Which sounds like rrbrrshbll with a mouth full of mud.
A PIMP IS SUING NIKE FOR NOT WARNING THAT HIS SHOES COULD BE USED AS WEAPONS
–– Threatens to choke Phil Knight with his sock.
Beyonce: Women Should Own Their Sexuality
–– So they can rent it to highest bidder.
7 Ways to Know You Belong Together
–– 3. Joint house arrest.
7 Annoying Things You Should Expect when You Have a Cat
–– 5. It may scratch you while nursing.
Daniel Craig Unexpectedly Pulls Out Of Movie
–– Film ‘still satisfied.’
10 Calm Dog Breeds that Help You Relax
–– 7. Schnoozer.
German recluse’s ‘Nazi art trove’ bigger than first thought
–– In latest slang for kiddie porn.
Study confirms that Neanderthals and humans got it on
–– At this year’s CPAC.
Kerry says willing to take blame for U.S. foreign policy failures
–– And general dreariness of government.
See Jean-Claude Van Damme Suit Up for Original ‘Predator’
–– Near elementary school playground.
Worst men’s grooming trends of all time
–– Pubic dreads.
Stripper at nursing home?
–– Or stockings that are just saggy?
’Star Trek’ actress lends her gravitas to film promoting idea that sun revolves around Earth
–– Disproving the existence of gravitas.
Can you talk about your paycheck?
–– Only if you lie about it’s age.
Farewell, Archie: Beloved comic book character to die
–– In Jughead’s bed.
Pistorious apologizes for killing girlfriend
–– Court: OK, just don’t let it happen again.
XXX-CON! Man busted for watching porn on portable DVD player on city sidewalk
–– Mistaken for railroad crossing gate.
Dirty doc slapped sleeping patients’ buttocks before surgery: feds
–– Only the born-again.
Former MLB pitcher drops 162 pounds
–– On ex-teammate’s foot.
Legendary Actor Mickey Rooney Dies at 93
–– To be buried in shoebox on studio backlot.
Watch: Game of Thrones Star Peter Dinklage Admits He Has Never Read the Books
–– Because they aren’t short stories.
Hillary Clinton poses with Pussy Riot
–– Form Pantsy Riot.
Is Perfect Bacon Bowl the next Snuggie?
–– Or perfect for a mouthwatering bra?
Volcanic island eats another island
–– Which spurts in ecstasy.
Wi-Fi speeds are about to triple
–– In service providers’ ads.
See inside Jeffrey Dahmer’s home
–– A 17 ddrm.
Why India misses George W. Bush
–– Hasn’t had good laugh in over five years.
Homeless man withdraws $37,000
–– From consciousless man.
Most trafficked mammal in the world
–– Bicycle-riding bear.
Baby fingerprinted and booked
–– Booty confiscated.
J-Lo backed TV channel buys Fuse network
–– And boy, is that channel backed.
Exhibit opens: The artist known as ‘W’
–– Formerly known as ‘Hey, stupid!’
Archbishop: I’ll sell my $2.2M mansion
–– Will share pad with Benedict XVI.
Mannequin in trash? No, it’s a body
–– You dummy!
Family: Hospital froze her alive
–– She’s still our momsicle.
Driver who put train on escalator is fired
–– Was going up, train was heading down.
ABANDON SHIT
Week of 04/04/14
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
David Letterman Retirement News Sparks Frenzy of Successor Speculation
–– Prince Charles sends CBS sizzle reel.
Can party drug make you a racist?
–– Asks Paula Deen high on Molly.
Cardinal shoves fan, who flips the bird
–– His Eminence knees fan in nads.
15 new emotions identified
–– None of which Nicole Kidman can evoke.
Windows 8 soon to be more like Windows 7
–– Or ‘merely suck.’
A Tearful Miley Cyrus Struggles Through Concert While Remembering Dog Floyd
–– And his really long tongue.
Jeffrey Dahmer’s home for sale
–– Freezer included.
Obama’s ‘Big Papi’ selfie
–– In latest slang for pulling a Wiener.
C-section before baseball season starts?
–– Prefer sitting in D-section.
Underwater search for pings begins
–– In South China Sea.
Bill Clinton: I believe in aliens
–– 'Especially the señoritas.'
Was woman taken by large shark?
–– She has baby Sharkuman to prove it.
DJ Frankie Knuckles dies
–– Knuckles under.
Missing a year, man found dead in home
–– Described by friends as homebody.
Court Rejects Donation Cap in U.S. Races
–– Koch brothers ritually sacrifice virgin in celebration.
Most frustrating TV finales ever
–– Archie and Edith's coitus interruptus.
9 things about Rosie Perez
–– 9-2. That voice.
Koch Brothers’ New Obamacare Attack: An Arkansas Trucker Is Confused
–– And plan doesn’t cover moronism.
Lisa Marie Presley: How My Father Inspired Me to Lose Weight
–– 'He split his jump-suit performing in my nightmare.'
Are Leggings Too Distracting for Middle School?
–– Worn over the face during robberies?
Pat Robertson: Jews Are Too Busy ‘Polishing Diamonds’ to Tinker With Cars, Mow Lawns
–– In latest slang for circumcision.
View from the Red Carpet: Tracy Anderson Perfects Jennifer Lopez’s Backside
–– God claims co-producer credit.
Experts Claim They’ve Found the Holy Grail in Spanish Basilica
–– At El Monte Pythón.
Twins found dead in recliners…three years later?!
–– Talk about La-z-boys.
Secret Service boss called on carpet
–– Where he was lying in drunken stupor.
Man at hospital has chainsaw in neck
–– Leatherface drove him to ER.
The spy who is still a diplomatic thorn
–– And a bit of a prick.
Yoda fan claims $425M Powerball
–– Lucky fuck, he be.
More objects spotted in plane search
–– Leopard skin bikinis, polka dot beach umbrellas, acned teens.
Singer drops 60 pounds and dumps her boyfriend
–- Or 240 ugly pounds total.
Pharrell joins ‘The Voice’ as new coach, replaces Cee Lo Green
–– Hopes he, too, can provide fans with Ecstasy.
White House: Obamacare hit goal
–– Republicans sue reality.
Ted Cruz’s new ‘tattoo’
–– Swastika tramp stamp.
Senate probe: Caterpillar avoided taxes
–– Metamorphosed into a non-profit.
Next century’s forecast: Hotter, hungrier
–– Like a supermodel.
Kesha Stuns in First Post-Rehab Appearance
–– With taser concealed in thong.
Dwayne Johnson: 50 Crew Members Fired for Sneaking Pictures on ‘Hercules’ Set
–– 'Security tighter than at World Trade Center.'
Lost Mickey Rooney Film Is Found and Set for Preservation
–– Lost Mickey Rooney beyond preservation
What’s in this $250 hamburger?
–– Some rich asshole’s teeth.
NASA’s new spacesuit: Let voting begin
–– Thumbs up for zero-G zippers.
Gadhafi’s son to Libya: I’m sorry
–– ‘I never knew how to spell our name, either,’
’Astonishing’ hidden amounts of sugar in alcoholic drinks revealed
–– For a sweet toot.
25 years on the ‘dead stadium’ tour
–– Cubs' fans ‘getting sick of it.’
L’Wren Left Everything to Mick
–– Moved like Jagger.