PA ANNOUNCEMENT
Week of 03/28/14
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Christie announces that David Samson resigned as Port Authority chairman
–– Will leave as soon as bus lane reopens.
McD’s fights back with free coffee
–– Boiling hot and in your face.
Putin reaches out to Obama on Ukraine crisis
–– Croons
Cry Me a River on phone.
7 Things That Destroy Your Dog's Spirit
–– 4. Bacon-scented air freshener.
Seth Myers: 25 Things You Don't Know About Me
–– 0 that might interest you.
Barry Bonds to stand in front of an angry, rabid Pittsburgh crowd
–– After he gets his shots.
James Franco: I Never Slept With Lindsay Lohan, She Lied on Alleged Lovers' List
–– Lohan: 'Might've been another Franco. Francisco, maybe?'
Reason you look weird in selfies
–– Same reason you look weird in real life.
'Jeopardy!' celebrates 50 years
–– 'What happens when an elderly audience can't find the remote, Alex?'
Suspect in mom-son slayings surrenders after 1 day on FBI's Top 10 list
–– Mom should be proud.
Obama gives Pope box of seeds
–– Warns: ’Don’t spill your seed.’
Newlywed sentenced for cliff push
–– Husband fell for scheme.
Internal probe: Christie doesn’t recall being informed of traffic jams
–– Concludes: Elephants do forget.
First asteroid with rings found
–– One with fries still sought.
GOPer shoots up Obamacare
–– While aiming at own foot.
Perry tells Kimmel: ‘I do interviews with a gun’
–– ‘Although I am happy to see you.’
Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin Are ‘Consciously Uncoupling’
–– After accidentally entangling their genitalia.
Boehner rips latest Obamacare extension; ‘What the hell is this, a joke?’
–– Yes, it begins a duck logs on to a health exchange…
Dwarf planet seen beyond Pluto
–– It’s Bashful.
Has Sarah Palin jumped the shark? Experts say no
–– Humped? Maybe.
Rumsfeld 'trained ape' comment stirs controversy
–– Bush reassured he didn’t mean him.
How to Understand Georgia’s ‘Guns Everywhere’ Law: Four Blunt Points
–– 2. 10 generations of inbreeding.
Paul Scholes beats Arsenal with the truth stick
–– In latest slang for uncircumcised penis.
Do Dogs Feel Guilt?
–– Only Errdales.
Secret Service pulls 3 agents from Obama trip
–– Who were rehearsing for Hangover 4.
Nitroglycerin, a Staple of Emergency Rooms Is in Short Supply
–– Situation ‘explosive.’
In trouble for doing this to shark
–– When you’re a Jet.
Kristen Stewart's Sudden 'Weight Gain' Is Raising a Few Eyebrows
–– In those with severe tics.
Tiger that attacked Roy Horn dies
–– Siegfried to stuff it…again.
Hobby Lobby religion case to top court
–– Justice Thomas to scrapbook session.
Neil de Grasse Tyson Makes Us Feel Inadequate on This Week’s ‘Cosmos’
–– When he exposes his ‘rocket ship.’
Game of Thrones’ Actress: Justin Bieber Is The ‘Joffrey’ Of Our Time’
–– ‘Only way creepier.'
44-Pound Baby Put on Diet: Why Did it Take so Long for This Mom to Seek Help?
–– Baby was chewing her leg.
Judge Joe Brown Arrested and Jailed in Tennessee For Contempt of Court
–– After his show was off the air!
Malia Obama, Sasha Obama Look All Grown Up During China Trip With Michelle Obama
–– Especially next to their hosts.
Woman Has Phantom Pregnancy, With Quintuplets
–– Gives birth to Casper and four other friendly ghosts.
Why Kendall Jenner is Gaining Fame Fast
–– The Decline of Western Civilization.
LeAnn Rimes’ Jaw Pops Out of Place Mid-Concert, Forces Singer to Cancel Encore in Oklahoma
–– Eddie Cibrian takes credit.
Microsoft will give you $100 to buy a new PC
–– And a hand job if you switch to Windows 8.
Weird bikini ad puzzles students
–– Can’t figure out where second breast goes.
Russia kicked out of G8
–– Slaps head, says “I coulda had a G8.’
Oil spills into Galveston Bay after ships collide
–– Celebrating 25th Anniversary of Exxon Valdez.
Meet America’s oldest bike maker
–– With stone wheels.
‘Divergent’ No. 1 With $56 Mil as ‘Muppets’ Stumble
–– Well, they do have felt legs.
Unskilled and Destitute Are Hiring Targets for Fukushima Cleanup
–– Slogan: Want to glow with pride?
Putin ‘wakes up thinking of Stalin,’ U.S. House Intel chairman says
–– As he strokes his onion dome.
McDonald’s new menu item hints at new strategy
–– Just serve cardboard container.
Wal-Mart Unleashes the Spring Equivalent of “Black Friday”
–– "Hispanic Tuesday."
Is the Big Bang in the Bible?
–– Only if you slam it on your rod and staff.
Man seen on cam stealing sex toys
–– Proctoscope found where he hid them.
8 ways to cut your tax bill
–– 6. X-acto knife.
Carter: NSA likely tracks my e-mail
–– When they can’t sleep.
XI BOP
Week of 03/21/14
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
In Beijing, Michelle Obama reprises pinpong diplomacy
–– Playing with hosts' tiny balls.
Fake podiatrist sucks woman's toes
–– On prosthetic foot.
January Jones poses in bathtub, confesses she would sleep with Rihanna
–– Sets hair on fire, launches rocket from ass.
Which American state is most like Crimea?
–– Florida has highest Crimea rate.
100 found in Houston ‘stash house’ — horrors routine, but on a bigger scale
–– Uneven handlebars, ragged Fu Manchus, spotty pencils.
I was Afraid My Daughter Would Hate Me for Having a Baby
–– But it was my paranoia she despised.
Cat behaviorist heading to Oregon after attack
–– Female baristas clawed each other over tip.
J.Lo’s Lip Synching Fires up Fans
–– Thrilled they were spared manual-tuned voice.
John Lennon’s Pee-Themed Letter to Phil Spector Up for Auction
–– Begins: ‘We all live in a yellow submarine…’
5 Signs You’re a Bad Pet Owner
–– 4. Whiskers hand bag.
Taco Bell’s Breakfast Menu Is Here! How It Really Tastes
–– Ever woke up with a rusty bullet in your mouth?
Here’s a good sign the West’s new Russia sanctions are working
–– Putin lost his shirt.
Why One Mother Gave Back Her Adopted Son
–– He leaked.
Johnny Weir Files for Divorce From Husband of Two Years
–– When he suddenly realizes mate is straight.
Trespasser reaches roof of 1WTC
–– Sadly takes elevator down.
Fred Phelps, founding pastor of Westboro Baptist Church, known for anti-gay protests at public events, dies at 84
–– Satan reaches for K-Y Jelly.
ALL MEN Do These Things Behind Their Woman’s Back
–– And say it’s good for her skin.
Meet the 10-foot-tall ‘chicken from hell’
–– Big Bird possessed.
‘Baby hatch’ overwhelmed in China city
–– In latest slang for vagina.
Why the Cubs fired their team psychologist
–– Was clinically depressed over 105-year title drought.
Edward Snowden Has Three Security Tips For You
–– 3. Don’t hire me.
Doris Day Devotes 90th Birthday to Animals
–– Some real.
Brandon Philips line drive hits umpire in the most sensitive of man places
–– Athletic supporters wince.
George Clooney Takes New Girlfriend on Safari
–– To bag a newer one.
5 Theories About What Happened to missing Malaysia Flight
–– 3. Cries of Mayday! mistaken for Malay!
5 Dangerous Foods You’re Feeding Your Cat
–– 4. Chocolate mouse.
Tax-Hating States Totally Fine With Taxing The Poor
–– And grinding them into fertilizer.
Sleep loss may cause brain damage
–– Washington DC: City that never sleeps.
‘Magically delicious’ at 50
–– David Copperfield’s favorite pick-up line.
Downtown Disney fish tank bursts
–– Little Mermaid’s water broke.
Rob Ford caught cussing, stumbling
–– Or: It’s Monday.
Pope-Russell Crowe meeting nixed
–– Noah counting for taste.
Calif. man turns himself into police after Googling name, finding self on ‘Most Wanted’ list
–– Because it’s nice to feel wanted.
NFL Now Demands $16.6 Million Over M.I.A.’s Super Bowl Middle Finger
–– Expects fuck-you money.
Gun that shot pope going on display
–– Left bullet Holy.
Lego robot shatters Rubik's Cube record
–– Lego my leg!
‘I’m not afraid to die,’ says man who will jump off Mount Everest in his wing-suit
–– ‘I’m afraid I don’t care.’ says world.
Wife loses 100 lbs to surprise Army hubby
–– He surprises her by gaining 100 lbs of girlfriend.
Crazy ways to get divorced
–– 3. Murder/suicide.
Did ‘Walking Dead’ go too far?
–– On their rotting legs.
’Today’ Co-Host Savannah Guthrie Announces She’s Married, Pregnant
–– , Insufferable.
Vasectomies timed for March Madness
–– Fans’ gone nuts.
Tyler Perry’s worst film opening ever
–– Aren’t they all.
Paul Ryan to meet black lawmakers after ‘offensive’ remarks
–– Schedules parley at KFC.
Lady Gaga Gets Puked On By Vomit Painter Millie Brown During Crazy SXSW Concert
–– aka Lady Gagger.
Couple kicked out of McDonald’s for sitting ‘too long’ offered free meals for life
–– Which should shorten their stay…on earth.
Jaw-dropping evidence frees inmate
–– After he loses dentures.
Is Colorado getting too high?
–– Even John Denver's ghost is like,' Whoa, dude, slow down.'
ERIN GO BLAH
Week of 03/14/14
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Heineken and Sam Adams boycott St. Patty's Day parades
–– So absolutely no one will be gay.
$600,000 stolen from Joel Osteen's megachurch
–– And not by him!
More adults than ever on ADHD drugs
–– Hunh?
Mark Zuckerberg calls Obama to complain about NSA
–– Threatens to unfriend him.
Wireless electricity? It's here
–– Just rub your wool socks on the carpet real fast.
Number of U.S. millionaires hits new high
–– With gold-dust PCP.
11 Female Stars Who Used to Be Hot
–- 8. Joan of Arc.
Missing plane: Could it have landed?
–– Or is it still circling 6 days later?
Woman Finds Lizard Head, Arm in Kale Salad
–– Says ‘Iguana throw up.’
’Duck Dynasty’ Star: Show Was Started to ‘Get the Message of God Out There’
–– And to promote ‘our faith-based homophobia.’
Seth Rogen Calls Justin Bieber an “Obnoxious, Ungrateful Piece of S- - -“
–– Bielibe it.
Convicted criminal says he’s too morbidly obese for prison
–– Lawyer: ‘If the ass doesn’t fit, you must acquit.’
What would a Rand Paul vs. Hillary Clinton presidential campaign look like?
–– Bobby Riggs and Billy Jean King with box cutters.
A History of Disappearing Flights: Amelia Earhart, The Bermuda Triangle and More
–– Including Superman’s lost weekend.
Meet the Other Star of ‘Need of Speed’: The Custom Ford Mustang GT
–– The one with charisma.
Dachshund left at shelter with heartbreaking note
–– ‘I cry when I’m called a weiner.’
John McCain Unloads On Senate Republicans: ‘I Haven’t Been Embarrassed This Way’
–– ‘Since the prostate exam at the Hanoi Hilton.’
Scott Brown’s big news
–– He scores Cialis ad.
Should college be for a Mrs. degree?
–– BS.
Hunter kills 500-pound wild hog
–– Recounts boaring story.
Kerry, Lavrov hold last-ditch talks
–– Into which Putin will toss dissenters.
Man who awoke in body bag dies
–– Talk about lazy.
Bozo the Clown’s Grandson Is Pitching for the Reds
–– His gramps for the Astros.
Boy bullied over ‘girly’ book bag
–– ‘Girly’ because it contained a book.
Michele Bachmann Claims Gay People Have ‘Bullied The American People’
— Threatening to hit them with their ‘girly’ book bags.
Lena Dunham: ‘I Don’t Know if I’m Going to Want to Act Anymore’
–– ‘Once I’ve actually tried it.’
Kiss’ Paul Stanley Likens Other Rockers’ Memoirs to Toilet Paper
–– His to a senior diaper.
10 Jobs Employers Are Having Trouble Filling
–– 7. Executive meat inspector.
Kevin Bacon Gives Millennials a History Lesson About the ’80s
–– When he was 6 degrees from relevant.
Billy Dee Williams: 'I’m Competing With Myself On ‘DTTS”
–– In latest slang for self abuse.
Inside the underground sex economy
–– See what (and who) goes down.
Family calls 911 on crazed fat cat
–– Trump won’t come down from tree.
Arizona Gov. Brewer won't seek a third term
–– Will return to Tombstone.
Tom Arnold shows off weight loss
–– With photos of divorce from Roseanne.
5 Web predictions that were way off
–– 3. People would get sick of lists.
Bars banning Google Glass
–– Dribble glass still allowed.
Cowboys release Demarcus Ware
–– Ideal for storing leftovers.
Arrest in Hollywood decapitation case
–– By department head.
Jury dismissed, general’s trial halted
–– Until judge realized general dismissed them.
Top GOPer: We’ll crush tea party
–– And let it steep in boiling water.
Sbarro files for bankruptcy
–– Brother, can you Sbarro dime?
Condom wrappers too racy?
–– Critics hard on manufacturers.
Pistorius vomits and sobs at trial
–– For Black Cherry Vanilla Coke.
Open air urinal planned for park
–– After bums’ decades-long pilot program.
7 years on, American still missing
–– Jimmy Hoffa: ‘BFD!”
Assange to SXSW: We’re all watched
–– ‘I’m staring in my mirror right now.’
2,000 bodies in path of new building
–– Luckily, it moves pretty slow.
SC legislators to state universities: Assign gay material, see your money cut
–– Examples: The Faerie Queen, Moby Dick, Howard's End.
Spelling bee finalists go 90 rounds
–– Finalist wins on ‘ex-fuckin'-hausted.’
Rand Paul easily wins CPAC poll
–– In conservative estimate.
Palin hears chants of Run, Sarah, Run!”
–– ‘As far as you can get from here!’
Mummified body found years later
–– Was kept under wraps.
New York church to give away AR-15 semi-automatic rifle
–– Congregants urged to praise Lord and pass ammunition.
Key 2016 straw poll in spotlight
–– Implications for next meaningless poll weighed.
BAT'S HIT CRAZY
Week of 03/07/14
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Andrew Garfield Did Not Bail On 'Batkid' At The Oscars, Despite Reports
–– Didn't make Spidey-sense.
9 Things a Man Secretly Wants in Your Bedroom
–– 6. Mini fridge.
Gates smashed at Crimea base
–– Bill celebrating 'World's Richest Person' title.
Born the 'Burger King Baby,' Pennsylvania woman seeks birth mom through Facebook
–– Father, the King, supports efforts of 'his princess.'
Martha Stewart on sex: ‘Always take a bath before and after’
–– In the milk of virgin ewes.
Why Putin will ignore ‘U.S. hypocrisy’
–– ‘I am up to eyeballs in my own.’
Rolling Stones Revive Oldie for First Time in 41 Years
–– Richards slips back into stupor after first set.
Lance Bass on Coming Out to ’N Sync: Joey Fatone “Walked in on Me” With a Man
–– In latest slang for threesome.
Here are the Worst U.S. Cities for Pot Smokers
— 10. Narcsville.
7 Things You Shouldn’t Get a Dog
–– 4. Phallus chew toy.
Ireland Baldwin Splits from Boyfriend Slater Trout
–– When she realizes his name is Slater Trout.
Family accused in $7M shoplifting spree
–– After 14M socks discovered in storage locker.
Obama misspells R-E-S-P-E-C-T
–– Spell-checked by Dan Quayle.
Casino got me drunk, stole $500k
–– But please come back, I forgive you.
Pussy Riot duo attacked in McDonald’s
–– After ordering muff burgers.
GOP leaders preach to choir
–– Choir vomits.
Christie gets warm reception
–– At Burger King.
Florida man arrested for having sex with pit bull in yard as neighbors pleaded with him to stop
–– Pit bull posts bail.
Three Mexican men arrested after cops find pal dead in back seat of their car following days of hard partying
–– Police reject story about filming Fin de Semana en de Bernie.
Sherwin B. Nuland, Author of ‘How We Die,’ Is Dead at 83
–– Last word: ‘See?’
Cattle call for GOP hopefuls
–– Need new cows to replace Bachmann and Palin.
Middle-aged? Put down the meat
–– But it’s the only exercise I get!
’Rock Snot’ Infestation Caused by Climate Change, Study Suggests
–– Deniers condemn 'tissue of lies.'
Canned Biscuits Can Do So Much
–– Here’s their resumé.
Michele Bachmann: American Jewish Community ‘Sold Out Israel’
–– ‘And you know those people got a low price.’
Bearded Brett Favre Looks Like He Dropped The Razor And Picked Up Dumbbells
–– Who wrote this headline.
'Upskirting' is legal, Massachusetts top court says
–– In split decision.
Justin Bieber jail video to be released with his private parts blurred
–– To match his brains.
Bikini-clad baristas raise eyebrows
–– And demand for whole milk.
Sex abstinence targeted for cuts
–– Castration.
John Travolta on his Idina Menzel Oscars flub: Let it go!
–– Delighted Adele Dazeem booked for 2015 ceremony.
Would you tell your kids you got high?
–– After you stole their lunch money?
Bowzer vs. Bob Barker in Florida race
–– 66-year-old doo-wop nostalgia band leader seeks youth vote.
Radio Shack closing 1,100 stores
–– Last ham radio enthusiast succumbs in case of auto-erotic asphyxiation.
I Didn't Have Sex for a Year, and I'm Still Married
–– Say 50% of American women.
Scarlett Johansson Is Expecting
–– To be ridiculed during pregnancy.
Jake Peavy Kicks off Odd-Baseball-Injury Season by Slicing Finger with Knife
–– In attempt to improve split-finger fastball.
Jennifer Lawrence falls … again
–– Trips more than Amanda Bynes.
New York Times corrects article about '12 Years a Slave’ — 161 years later
–– Predicted screen adaptation would win Oscar in 160 years.
Pope accidentally utters F-bomb
–– Ends sermon: ’That’sa all, f**ks.’
Why Ben Affleck is Lending His Star Power to the People of the Congo
–– And why they wiped themselves with it and gave it back.
8 Lies Interviewers Tell Job Candidates
–– 6. ‘I’m listening.’
5 Dog Myths - What You Think You Know May Be Wrong
–– 3. Fido is marking territory when he pees on sofa –– he just hates you.
Kate Middleton Went to a Bar in a Chic Black Jacket
–– With a priest and a rabbi.
What’s Causing Our Millennials to Fail at Becoming Adults
–– Balls that don’t drop?
Here’s what The Flash will look like in his upcoming TV pilot
–– With the naughty bits pixelated.
Ellen’s Oscars: Pizza, selfies, and edgy zingers
–– The life of pie.
Clowns help refugees cope
–– By inuring them to psychological torture.
Sound machines for babies: Too loud?
–– What? I can’t hear you over the screaming.
‘Selfies’ leading to more head lice
–– And loss of face.
Fast food receipt makes granny cry
–– Remembering dentures lost in steak.