JIHAD TIMES
Week of 08/29/14
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Obama on ISIS in Syria: 'We don't have a strategy yet'
–– 'Tell them 'Don't do stupid Shi'ite' has occurred to me.'
Study: Junk food 'addicts' are real
–– Subway offers Cold Turkey Footlong.
Werner Franz, Survivor of the Hindenburg’s Crew, Dies at 92
–– Led zeppelin?
Rep. Peter King slams Obama for tan suit
–– Ultimately more critical of tan skin.
Denny’s aimed at 1% opens in New York with $300 Grand Slam
–– 1% of gullible tourists.
Mitch McConnell's campaign manager steps down
–– Thought he couldn't get any lower.
Fort Hood shooter writes to ISIS leader, asks to become 'citizen' of Islamic State
–– U.S. suggests he could be buried there…now.
Diane Sawyer's no-fuss sign off from ABC's 'World News’
–– A half-dozen martinis took edge off farewell.
Hello Kitty is NOT a cat
–– But she is a pussy.
Did drugged underwear kill inmate?
–– He was wearing tightie whities.
CEO caught on camera kicking pup
–– Misunderstood and thought he heard it wanted a ‘bonus.’
Former Atlanta Braves Pitcher John Rocker to Star on New Season of ‘Survivor'
–– He can’t wait to get to Nicaraguan island and ‘kick some spic ass.’
Douglas McAuthur McCain: From American kid to jihadi in Syria
–– Who was ironically named after a U.S. war hero and a misspelled General.
Another American jihadi killed?
–– One can only hope.
9-year-old’s Uzi experience ends tragically
–– What could’ve gone wrong?
Ancient mammoth found in Texas
–– Statehouse.
Legroom fight diverts flight
–– Cramped travelers have good laugh.
Panda ‘may have faked pregnancy’
–– Mate: ‘I am positive her orgasm was real.’
Teen shines at U.S. Open
–– Gets really sweaty.
Scientists: Solar system inside a searing gas bubble
–– Created by Sun’s indigestion.
This Is What Beyoncé Left In Nicki Minaj's VMA Dressing Room
–– A little ‘gift’ from Ivy Blue.
India doctors remove foetus left inside mother for 36 years
–– Mother said it was time he got a job.
Miranda Lambert Cuts Her Hair Even Shorter
–– Search on for who gives a shit.
Burger King Buying Tim Hortons
–– Will change name to Burg-eh King.
Prince to release 2 albums in a day
–– Twice the savings when you don’t buy.
Weirdest job ever: monkey chaser
–– In latest slang for gay porn fluffer.
’Young Jeezy' arrested after Wiz Khalifa concert shooting
–– Jeezy Wiz!
Peek inside Bieber's enormous Hollywood pad
–– His Maxi pad.
Dad vanishes after tux fitting
–– At David Copperfield show.
Bride’s dad vanishes before wedding
–– Beating groom to punch.
French government dissolved
–– Into pool of ennui.
University of Phoenix founder dies
–– Unexpected to rise from ashes.
Pot-infused soda to hit shelves
–– Only available in ‘totally decaffeinated.’
Is Burger King moving to Canada?
–– Queen Elizabeth ‘not amused.’
‘Watchmen’ Stars Malin Ackerman & Carla Gugino Make Out For ALS
–– Male onlooker pours ice bucket over head in lap.
Cheryl Hines Embraces the 'Romance of the Unknown' in Marriage to RFK Jr.
–– ‘Though I’m pretty sure he is crazy –– did you read the thimerosal book?’
Thigh Bone on Mars: Life Form Found Or A Hoax?
–– Or a creature who’s very existence was a cosmic jest?
Iran unveils new missiles, drones
–– On about them.
2,015 Questions - #1111: What time does Cleanthony Early wake up each day?
–– Early?
Former Death Row Records CEO Suge Knight Shot at Pre-VMAs Party
––– In bid to reclaim street cred.
Jennifer Lopez Doesn't "Whore Around" -- How's She Feel About Younger Men?
–– With her left hand.
Ryan Seacrest Opens Up About Fame, Love and Turning 40
–– Other closet door remains shut.
Rare deer sighting shocks neighbors
–– Bambi in pasties.
Coming to an invite near you: Pay-to-eat weddings
–– $10 before you hear, ’You may now eat the bride.’
Boa bites dancer during rehearsal for Nicki Minaj's 'Anaconda' at VMAs
–– Reptile snapped when he questioned casting and was told ‘all snakes look alike.’
California Water Board: Ice Bucket Challenge Doesn’t Violate Our Regulations
–– But we recommend citizens consider using bucket of confetti.
Detective: Couple lured Amish girls with dog, planned on enslaving them
–– Girls: ‘We wouldn’t have known difference.’
World getting ‘super-aged’ at scary pace
–– Or Slowing Rapidly.
THE BUCKET LIST
Week of 08/22/14
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Rick Perry Indictment May Help More Than Hurt His 2016 Chances
–– With convicted felon demographic.
This Halloween costume isn’t the only ice bucket challenge commodity on the market
–– Lou Gehrig 'Luckiest Man' Speech Interrupted By Joe Dimaggio Ice Bucket Shower commemorative plate announced.
125M-year-old dino tracks found
–– Treads show wear.
Mo'ne Davis' storied Little League World Series run comes to an end
–– Mo'ne runs out.
Tourists flock to Colorado to smoke legal weed
–– Without benefit of planes.
Jailed Scott Weiland Impersonator Isn't Scott Weiland, Police Realize One Month Later
–– Scott Weiland: 'Are they positive?'
Victoria Beckham Collapses Under Weight of Water in Ice Bucket Challenge, Gets Soaked by Kids
––
Water froze on contact.
Robin Williams' ashes scattered
–– Like his humor.
MPAA’s R-Rating for Gay Drama ‘Love is Strange’ Draws More Accusations of Homophobia
–– R for Reactionary.
‘Downton Abbey' Bans Water Bottles And Underwear After Photo Scandal
–– Of Dowager Countess of Grantham flashing knickers while gesturing lewdly with a bottle of Perrier.
Performance Artist To Have Sex With A Different Man Every Day For A Year
–– Is cruising performance art?
8 of the world's craziest fast food items
–– 8. Popeyes’ Poe Boy 7. McDonald’s Hysterical Meal 6. Pizza Hut’s 3-Kids Stuffed Crust Pizza 5. Jack-the-Ripper in the Box Munchie Meal 4. Little Caesar’s Little Seizure 3. Taco Bell's Smothered with a Pillow Burrito-Shredded with a Razor Chicken 2. Arby’s Anguish Steak Sandwich 1. White Castle Slider.
‘Dating Naked' cast member sues after VH1 showed her naked
–– And bare-faced.
The 6 Worst Things to Wear to a Job Interview
–– 3. Prison jumpsuit.
Rick Perry Says Terrorists Could Be Entering U.S. Along Mexico Border
–– U.S. gardens at risk.
He’s Ebola-free and ready for a hug
–– Or maybe a distant wave?
Meg Ryan, John Mellencamp break up
–– Serious people.
‘Suicide tourism' to Switzerland has doubled since 2009
–– Where they bore you to death.
Supreme Court: No same-sex marriage in Virginia, yet
–– In the meantime, state legislators can ‘go fuck themselves.’
George W. Bush takes the Ice Bucket challenge
–– As enema.
The 5 Biggest Bra Myths
–– 4. 3D is worth the extra money.
Chris Christie Got Into A Heated Argument About Bruce Springsteen
–– Thought Borin' in the USA was about him.
Rare pale-headed croc kills man
–– Sounds like a crock.
Supermarkets to sell McDonald’s coffee
–– In cleaning products aisle.
Pope Francis Says He May Only Have A Few Years Left To Live, And Will Consider Retirement
–– Eyes tour in The Odd Couple with Pope Benedict.
13 amazing things you can make with a 3-D printer
–– 11. A 3-D printer.
Breastfeeding moms stage nurse-in
–– Ready for dirty pillow fight.
Clippers Owner Steve Ballmer Goes Ape at Fan Festival, Gives Out Email Address
–– And overstocked Zunes.
Robin Williams Fulfilled Bucket List Wish For 21-Year-Old Mom With Terminal Cancer
–– In oddest explanation for suicide.
ISIL could strike U.S., European soil
–– They are full of manure.
This Is What Happened When A Pit Bull Adopted A Baby Bunny On Easter
–– Early dinner.
Justin Timberlake Calls Madonna His "Ninja" on Her Birthday, Sparks Twitter Outrage
–– African-Americans, ninjas, offended.
Julian Assange Says He Will Leave Embassy ‘Soon’
–– Edward Snowden booked his room.
If You're Ever in a Car Accident, Be Sure to Follow These 6 Steps
–– To the ambulance.
Dollar store bidding war revs up
–– Begins at 10¢.
Chris Christie dances with Jamie Foxx
–– The Foxx and the Hound.
’Expendables 3′ Flops: Is Piracy to Blame?
–– Jack Sparrow gave it two thumbs down.
Ann Curry Comforts David Gregory After ‘Meet the Press’ Boot
–– Curry’s favor.
Watch Bill Gates take the funniest ‘Ice Bucket Challenge’ so far
–– Pays to have block dropped on Steve Ballmer.
World’s Most Pierced Man, Rolf Buchholz, Denied Entry To Dubai
–– Emir: ‘Who needs pricks like that?’
Should we dump the $100 bill?
–– Yeah, in my pocket.
Motive for Bali suitcase murder unknown
–– Forensic psychiatrist: “Perpetrator probably has baggage.’
Did a Bird Do Its Business in Ashley Young's Mouth?
–– C’mon, spit it out.
Nudists scare birds from beach
–– Especially peckers.
’Expendables 3' Shoots Blanks in Box Office Debut
–– Star Stallone can relate.
Madonna Turns 56 in her Birthday Suit
–– Asked to return because she’s getting it wrinkled.
SEOUL MATE
Week of 08/15/14
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
North Korea Claims Rockets Were Unrelated to Pope’s Trip
–– Insist they were just happy to see him.
Restaurant mistakes poison for sugar
–– Rats die of Type 2 diabetes.
Gov. Rick Perry indicted
–– On charges of impersonating a government official.
Gene Simmons Apologizes Over Depression Comments: ‘I Was Wrong’
––
'Kiss fans have every right to be bummed out.'
Hipster beer alert: Ballantine is coming back
–– And sixes of warm spit.
Marine who urinated on corpses in Afghanistan dies
––
Felt oddly relieved.
‘Meet the Press:' Gregory out, Todd in
–– Critics: Chuck Todd.
‘American Horror Story: Freak Show' casts world's smallest woman
–– In TV's most insignificant show.
Pop-up ad creator: 'I'm sorry’
–– Online apology obscured by boner pill ad.
See the UFO? No? Try squinting. Squint harder
–– Still can’t? Let me poke you in the eye.
SeaWorld to upgrade killer whale habitats
–– Adding raw bars.
Sandless beach towel saves the day
–– Manufacturer promises saltless swim trunks.
Topless runner stripped of gold
–– Including teeth.
Ferguson, take back power
–– Don’t quit Late Late Show.
Woman finds swastika on McDonald's bun
–– When she orders Filet-O-Fascist.
Teen runaway hides out in Texas Walmart for days
–– Sells for $19.99 on special.
Wang, Africa's last polar bear, dies
–– Body returned to panda relatives in China.
Chris Brown makes 'strides' to sobriety, 'personal growth,' his doctor says
–– 'Sorta one krump forward, 2 moonwalks back.'
Fox Pundit Thinks Michelle Obama Could 'Lose a Few'
–– ‘Brain cells, so I could understand her.’
With passing of Bacall, all Madonna's 'Vogue' icons have died
–– Thank God, now there’s something to put on her tombstone.
Charles Keating, actor who played soap opera villain, dies at 72
–– In Another World’s gripping savings & loan storyline.
Body found in suitcase, couple arrested
–– Didn't pay for carri-on bag.
Gator jumps in canoe, bites woman
–– Paddles to University of Florida practice facility.
NASA sees black hole bend light
–– Kanye uses a mirror.
Rand Paul on Chris Christie in 1 word
–– Ginormous.
‘Mrs. Doubtfire’ Sequel In Doubt After Robin Williams’ Death
–– Dead Poets Society sequel being mulled.
‘Radicalized’ father of Australian boy holding severed head has mental illness
–– Should have both heads examined.
The cat that can steal your wi-fi
–– And use it to watch cute baby videos.
Why the Earth is farting
–– Mexico.
‘Maid in Manhattan’ actor grows up
–– In rebuke to Benjamin Button.
Thousands attend Gay Games
–– Like WNBA and figure skating.
Does monkey own rights to selfie?
–– As long as iPhone is his.
Florida may legalize gun silencers
–– To reduce dangerous noise pollution.
Should pot smoker breastfeed?
–– If he can.
Prince Harry: 'I never prepared myself' for horrors of Afghanistan
–– ‘Except for copious amounts of booze.’
Is it time for Wall St. to issue a correction?
–– And throw Paulson, Summers, Geithner, Mozilo, Blankfein, Fuld, Weill and Dimon in jail?
Topless dancers picket church
–– Take collection in g-strings.
Sarah Palin’s rant on liberals, fast food and Hell makes no sense
–– Praised as ‘model of consistency.’
Texas Mom Tossed Out Of Restaurant For Changing Baby At Table
–– Customers swear off mole sauce.
Jerry Jones Breaks Silence On Racy Photos
–– Acknowledges rather forward passes.
Steven Seagal Plays Blues Gig at Crimean Bikers’ Festival
–– On mission to punish pro-Russian separatists.
Anthony Weiner to open a restaurant
–– Home of the Whopper.
Officials: ISIS recruiting on the rise in Sunni areas of Iraq
–– Their motto: Be Allah You Can Be.
Where’s my orgasm?
–– Left it in other pants.
Dispute Between Amazon and Hachette Takes an Orwellian Turn
–– Order 1984 to see how.
James Brady's death ruled a homicide, police say
–– Slowest murder on record.
Sex-ed textbook covers bondage, sexting
–– Orals, cramming.
Hawaii gets the all clear as Iselle leaves; Julio to dodge the state
–– Can’t stand poi.
Church cancels funeral for gay man
–– Satan considers converting.
GEORGE LUCKLESS
Week of 08/08/14
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Long-lost grave of Richard III opens
–– Promoters hope to get visitors over the hump.
THIS creature walks like a man
–– Mediumfoot.
Teen to be punished for pot brownies ‘very scared’
–– Has a dozen to chillax.
At a Waylon Jennings Sale: Hank's Boots, Buddy's Bike and Willie's Hair
–– From Willie’s willy.
Chrissy Teigen Was Drunk Before She Threw Out That Dodgers First Pitch
–– Which was high and tight.
Low temperature a factor in Boeing 787 battery meltdown in Japan: Asahi
–– I’d want a beer after that, too.
Katherine Heigl: Why She Left Grey’s Anatomy
–– Via the alimentary canal.
Gordon Ramsay over $50 million in debt, near bankruptcy again?
–– Goose cooked.
Guardians Of The Galaxy: 3 Characters Who Might Be Star-Lord's Dad
–– 2. Ringo.
Russians Mock Obama With Racist Laser Projection On U.S. Embassy In Moscow
–– Set to music by Jimsky-Krowsakov.
Bikini-clad moms rally against bullies
–– Charge of the Cellulite Brigade.
Will bigger iPhones end great one-hand games?
–– Porn sites offer other great one-hand games.
Could your plants eavesdrop on you?
–– With ear pods.
Bankruptcy Judge Wants 'Girls Gone Wild' Founder Joe Francis Jailed
–– In women’s prison!
Why Olivia Wilde Was Photographed Breastfeeding Her Son Otis for Glamour Magazine
–– Because she refused to breastfeed Larry King.
Bestselling author fumes after her son blows $120 on the Kim Kardashian app in just 2 days
–– And contacts conversion therapist.
Menstrual Hygiene Must Become a Matter of Public Concern in Zimbabwe
–– It’s bloody awful.
Here’s Why LeBron Is Losing So Much Weight
–– Dinners in Cleveland.
Brutus the giant crocodile attacks shark in Australia
–– Ate two, Brute?
Does oil pulling work?
–– In wildcatter’s slang for masturbation.
Hundreds of cats take over an island
–– Rename it Coolsville and jam on bongos.
Bear Grylls on how to survive 'Sharknado,' other movie scenarios
–– Switch remote.
Walmart: 'Going to a very dark place'
–– Sam’s ‘place,' where the sun don't shine.
Ugly senate race could end today
–– Why, they dropping a bomb on Capitol Dome?
A polygamist compound is now a B&B
–– A B&B&B&B.
Why I'm Breaking Up With Dr. Oz
–– The daily rectal exams.
Germany nixes Russia military simulator deal
–– Supports military stimulator deal.
Megan Fox Ready To Return To Transformers, Doesn't ''F--king Care'' What Critics Think About Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles
–– Which is director’s attitude towards movie.
More Than 300 Ukrainian Troops Cross Into Russia, Confusion Reigns
–– Putin ally Georgy Ilyich Konfuzhan.
The Sweet Gesture Adam Sandler Did for 8-Year-Old Fan With Leukemia
–– He spared him his Little Nicky impersonation.
Man Appears To Kick Squirrel Into The Grand Canyon In Shocking Video
–– Suspect identified as ‘Fearless Leader.’
James Brady: The warrior, the hero, the 'Bear'
–– That last to smooth-shaven male interns.
Otter attacks 8-year-old boy
–– In pederasty-themed Animal House sequel.
Doggie dates have come to Tinder!
–– And they looked so pretty in their photos.
Fruit recall extended
–– Even Paul Lynde remembered.
Cops in low-speed chase with tortoise
–– Another hare-brained scheme.
Glenn Beck’s biggest regret?
–– He was in john during Rapture.
ISIS claims gains, takes control of Iraq's largest hydroelectric dam
–– Dam!
Rick Perry says youths crossing the border is a 'side issue’
–– His hair ‘main event.’
Grandma, 90, in standoff with police
–– After one-block, 20-minute walker chase.
American Doctor With Ebola Walks Into Georgia Hospital
–– With a priest and a rabbi.
Cheryl Hines Celebrates Bachelorette Party Ahead of Marriage to Robert F. Kennedy, Jr
–– Curb your enthusiasm.
Why Eric Cantor really resigned
-– Wanted to spend more time without children.
Take a First Look at Chris Pratt Smizing in Jurassic World
–– More like he’s smassing.
Heidi Klum Posts Topless Photo With Fellow ‘Project Runway’ Judge Zac Posen
–– Strictly off the rack.
Netanyahu Tells U.S. 'Not To Ever Second Guess Me Again' On Hamas
–– ‘Unless you kick in another bil in military aid.’
Winklevoss-Backed Shopping Tool Hukkster Shuts Down
–– Investors feel like schmukks.
Bill Murray to Play Baloo in Disney’s ‘The Jungle Book’
–– If he can bear it.
HAMAS AND TONGS
Week of 08/01/14
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
In Tunnel War, Israeli Playbook Shows Its Holes
–– Dirtbag Headline Writer Digs Puns.
Book: Hillary blames Bill's mom
–– Bill blames thong.
How a 72-hour truce in Gaza fell apart in less than 2 hours
–– Suicide bombers napping for first 90 minutes.
Diner gives discount for praying
–– To the porcelain god.
Needles found in meat at store
––
In key of horse.
Universal Sets 'Clifford the Big Red Dog' Release for April 2016
–– Currently in Big Red Pound.
Fox News Calls Ruth Bader Ginsburg an Ignorant Misandrist
––
Five etymologists shocked.
This Greedy Kitty Knows Exactly How To Charm His Owner Into Giving Him More Kisses
–– Pussi-wip.
RadioShack’s days are numbered
–– On an analog clock.
Odd Cause of Gaping Siberian Holes Possibly Found
––
Explanation of large gaping hole in Kremlin remains mystery.
‘UPS driver handed me a noose’
–– 'And I’d ordered a guillotine.'
Elon Musk wants Tesla 'elves' to service cars
–– Which fly and deliver toys on Christmas Eve.
Rob Zombie is crowdfunding his new killer clown movie, ’31'
–– Insane Clown Posse crowdfunding their new zombie movie.
CIA apologizes for spying on Senate committee
–– Stopped because they were 'bored.'
Bethenny Frankel Flaunts Her Bod in Wet Crop Top and Short-Shorts on a Paddleboard While Her Hunky Boyfriend Does the Paddling
–– Coast Guard issues alert.
‘Sharknado 2’ whips up Twitter frenzy
–– Weather Channel issues warning.
Orlando Bloom Throws Punch At Justin Bieber
–– A so-called Honkey Punch.
Man records own bull trampling
–– In cowboy slang for masturbation.
GOP-led House authorizes lawsuit against Obama
–– Hopes Judge Wapner will hear case.
Allison Williams to play Peter Pan in NBC's 'Peter Pan Live’
–– With Lena Dunham as sloppy, slutty Tinker Bell.
GOP begins to 'get it' on same-sex marriage
–– Party coming from behind.
Obama admits boyhood crush on Linda Ronstadt
–– But it 'blew by you.'
‘Die Hard’ actor dies
–– Proving it’s actually a breeze.
Patriots Screw Panthers, Claim Their Sixth-Round Rookie Running Back
–– In unrelated stories.
This Mysterious Signal 'Could Not Be Explained By Known Physics,' Astronomers Say
–– A flashing blue dashboard light on NASA's Mars Opportunity Rover.
Jennifer Lopez Shows Off Her Short, Curly Hair
–– And her whole enchilada.
Peter Marler, Graphic Decoder of Birdsong, Dies at 86
–– Including dirty limericks of the tit.
Comic-Con: ‘Family Guy’ Producers on ‘Simpsons’ Crossover and Movie Plans
–– Didn’t they crossover in 1999?
Maisie Williams' Book Dress Is The Coolest Thing At Comic-Con
–– Which pretty much sums up Comic-Con.
Gerard Depardieu Should Oversee Wine Production in Crimea, Russian Politician Says
–– Adds: ‘I meant consumption.’
Sarah Palin to launch her own online news channel
–– SeeBS.
For sale: Town of Aladdin, Wyo., for $1.5 million
–– Genie not included.
Big Mac shortage in China
–– Shi Tzus run out.
Reunited dog so excited he faints
–– Vet just sewed head back on.
Man Dressed as Spider-Man Is Arrested After Scuffle With Police in Times Square
–– Man dressed as Peter Parker snaps photo of incident.
Rockies Have Typo on Game-Day Promotion for Troy Tulowitzki
–– Tory upset.
Russia takes aim at McDonald's burgers as U.S. ties worsen
–– With Buk missiles.
Miranda Kerr Says It Takes Her Only 15 Minutes to Get Ready
–– To put on her makeup.
Pot seen as reason for rise in Denver homeless
–– Nothing else could get rise out of them.
Jokes about Kim Jong Un Are No Laughing Matter
–– Try laughing with no front teeth.
Walmart’s Ice Cream Sandwiches Don't Melt In The Sun
–– Each include drop of Sam Walton’s cold blood.
Peter Jackson Suggests Even Longer Cuts Of 'The Lord Of The Rings' Could Be Released
–– If you don't behave.
How Chick-fil-A Hires: The Christian Way
–– With workers on their knes.
‘Godzilla’ To Fight Old Foes in New Sequel
–– General MacArthur and Robert Oppenheimer.
Comic-Con: Marvel Ready to Take Movies ‘To Another Place’
–– A nerd’s bedroom.
BuzzFeed fires viral politics editor for plagiarizing
–– Instead of just ripping off outright.
Will Cavs trade Wiggins for Love?
–– Or money?
World’s coolest bookstores
–– Because they’re dead.
551-lb. convict: End house arrest
–– And get me off this toilet.