THE ARIZONA D-BAGS
Week of 02/28/14
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
What Jan Brewer’s veto of SB 1062 tells us
–– Fence post might be dumber than her.
Pistorius dating co-ed ahead of murder trial
–- Does romance have legs?
Ukraine’s largest telecom says it is unable to provide data and voice connectivity between Crimea and the rest of Ukraine
–– String between soup cans feared cut.
’I will carry his name’: Grieving French woman given OK by President Hollande to marry dead partner
–– His name: Mort.
‘Downton’ fans can dress like Mary
–– So can Ru-Paul fans.
Prince Harry’s Transition into Serious, responsible Adult Continues
–– To founder.
Hundreds march for Sinaloa cartel boss in Mexico
–– In mule train.
’It’s Surreal,’ Says Utah Woman Who Lost 100 Pounds in One Year
–– Subject of Dalí painting The Peristence of Mammaries.
Jumbo Planes’ Wings Brush in Los Angeles Airport
–– As they coquettishly flutter their flaps.
6 Deceptively Gentle Dog Breeds
–– Bastard Hound, Wickket, Chew Chew, Irish Terrorier, Alaskan Maladapt, Finnish Spits.
Paramount Adds Explanatory Note to ‘Noah’ After Pressure by Religious Group
–– ‘God did not direct this movie.’
Report: Incognito battered his Ferrari
–– In latest masturbation slang.
Colorful Kyle Busch to race and taste the rainbow in Phoenix Sprint Cup race
–– In latest gay sex slang.
Men: Your sperm clock is ticking
–– In latest premature ejaculation slang.
‘Nobody Deposed Me,’ Ousted Leader Says
–– In latest anal rape slang.
Sicilian mafia sent hit man to whack Giuliani
–– In latest felching slang.
Were Arpaio roast jokes racist?
–– Is Arpaio racist punchline?
We’ve all read his work -- 'Godfather' of Helvetica font dies at 84
–– Lowered into case.
What’s in sensitive Clinton memos?
–– Love poems to Hill?
Major airline ends bereavement fares
–– Passengers grieve.
Tea party turns 5, now what?
–– Potty training?
Uganda president: Gays ‘disgusting’
–– 'Even Idi Amin wouldn't eat them.'
Egypt’s army says it cures AIDS
–– 'We send homosexuals to Uganda.'
Spike Lee explains gentrification rant
–– 'I'm an a-hole.'
Loose leopard causes mass panic
–– By hitting on kitties.
Obesity rates drop for young children
–– Can now see what they shouldn't be touching.
Justice Thomas’ 8 years of silence
–– Many happy returns!
UAE Islamic affairs authority warms Muslims against a mission to Mars
–– Issues fatwa on Marvin.
Mystery Solved: How Huge Young Stars Hang On to Gas
–– Tight sphincters.
Joe Biden toys with Seth Meyers
–– Using Delaware Tickler.
Jeb on Bush family name: ‘It’s an issue’
–– Will change to Cooter.
Giant robot cops take over streets
–– Robocop still bombs.
Disney’s Magic Kingdom raises prices
–– On four-fingered hand jobs.
How drug lord ‘El Chapo’ got caught
–– Fingered by 'El Cheapo.'
Alec Baldwin: ‘Goodbye public life’
–– Public life: ‘Good riddance!’
Is this license plate racist?
–– The one with the confederate flag that reads JM CRW?
Time to stop listening to Trump?
–– Is it 2000 already?
CNN to end ‘Piers Morgan Live’
–– The viewer incensed.
Senate candidate regrets gruesome X-ray postings
–– Of spineless politicians.
‘Shoeless’ Joe Jackson bat snags big $
–– Bunion pads set record.
Last of von Trapp singing siblings dies
–– Shuts von Trapp.
Paul, McConnell: Rare joint appearance
–– At Puppetry of the Penis show.
Doctor discovers he’s a psychopath
–– Renames show Dr. Ooze.
Ukrainian opposition leader Vitali Klitschko says President Viktor Yanukovych has left the capital
–– Elvis drove him.
Beauty queen shot dead in riots
–– Was drop dead gorgeous.
NJ ‘bishop of bling’ under fire
–– Chastised by ‘pope of pizzazz.’
UNC tries to tackle academic woes
–– Illiteracy romps.
STICK IT!
Week of 02/21/14
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Russians’ Hockey Elimination Prompts Anger and Dismay
–– Coach: 'Refs were ice dancers in disguise!'
Pharrell swears he’s not a vampire
–– Though he does suck.
Hear Nixon's phone call to moon
–– Asks Armstrong if Aldrin's a red.
Girl Scout sells cookies by pot store
–– For Brownies’ Den Mother Alice B. Toklas.
These Are The Disastrous Lego Kits That Almost Ruined The Company
–– 2. Lego Ted Bundy.
10 Signs Your Dog is Your Best Friend
–– 7. You now expect all acquaintances to hump your leg.
Ikea Just Discontinued Its Most Popular Shelving System And Customers Are Furious
–– They won’t be able to recommend it to worst enemies.
This Woman Ate and Drank Nothing But Starbucks Products for an Entire Year
–– Is broke and can't stop shaking.
Wolf of Wall Street Studio Sued Over Portrayal of Executive
–– Charges ‘claimant is depicted as insufficiently lupine.’
‘Brain Dead’ Teen In ‘Bad Shape’ After Transfer
–– Stubbed toe in ambulance.
Iran loses title of ‘most-hated’
–– Ahmadinejad: ‘I can win back.’
Harvard gets record gift
–– Boston’s self-titled album.
Bassist charged with DUI
–– While playing Tequila.
The Pope’s ‘Book of Insults’
–– Entitled ‘Roast in Hell.’
Loneliness: 5 things you need to know
–– 4. Go away.
Step right up and see Bigfoot?
–– If you’re tripping.
Spanking bill in Kansas sparks controversy
–– Brings color to lawmakers’ cheeks.
What your IQ score doesn't tell you
–– Because you’re too stupid to understand it.
Wolf and Newt spar over Nugent
–– Or canine and amphibian argue about reptile.
Miley Cyrus Bangerz Tour Mocks Bill Clinton Monica Lewinsky Scandal
–– Ridicules length of her tongue.
Octopus snatches diver’s camera
–– 8 megapixel model.
Consumers are happier with Netflix
–– Than VHS tapes.
Hot Pockets recalled for icky reason
–– Hot Pockets purchased for icky reason.
Suicide-by-tiger try fails
–– Tigger wouldn’t pull trigger.
Republican draws fire for campaigning with Ted Nugent
–– And not just from the Nuge’s weapon.
Here’s What Happens When You Finally Beat The 500+ Levels in Candy Crush
–– You take a long look at yourself in mirror and weep.
5 Things to Know About Charlie Sheen’s New Fiancee, Brent Rossi
–– 1. ABC News doesn’t know the porn star’s first name is Brett.
Kate Upton Goes Zero-G for Sports Illustrated’s 2014 Swimsuit Issue
–– Absolutely no G-string.
Dunn: ‘I’m the f**king victim’
–– ‘My ears are still ringing from that rap crap!’
Report: Pussy Riot pair detained
–– Feared snatched.
Why Big Ass Fans pays 30% above national average
–– Can’t get enough J-Lo.
Woman jailed for not returning 2005 video rental
–– Charged with being “unkind” for not rewinding.
Scott Brown jams on stage with Cheap Trick
–– Which, ironically, was his nickname in college.
He lost 275 pounds to find love
–– It was hidden under rolls of belly fat.
Powerful Iraqi Shiite cleric Sadr quits politics
–– To open local Bed, Bath and a Bomb.
Lil Wayne reminds America’s teachers not to use his lyrics in junior high classrooms
–– Adds: ‘Ya dumb motherf**ckers.’
Danica Patrick will not repeat as Daytona 500 pole sitter
–– Depriving sports radio of dirty ‘pole sitter' references.
What caused Civil War sub to sink?
–– Too much Virginia ham?
‘Snake Salvation’ star dies of snakebite
–– Show retitled Snake Salivation.
Aw! See soldier surprise kid sister
–– When he mistakes her for raghead and takes her down.
Body found in airliner wheel well
–– New budget seating program under review.
Camera flies inside 40-foot sinkhole
–– Recovers images of Rush Limbaugh’s colon.
Actress Ellen Page: ‘I am gay’
–– Juno? I figured.
She found WHAT inside burrito?
Unprocessed meat?!
SOUTHERN IMPACT
Week of 02/14/14
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Georgia Power Outages Down to Around 60,000 Following Winter Storm Pax
–– Atlanta Housewives really cold bitches.
Derek Jeter essentially dated a baseball team
–– The Toronto Blew Jeter's.
Al Qaeda splinter group executes 21 in Syria: report
–– By inserting themselves under fingernails.
Jimmy Graham: Seahawks ‘grab and hold as much as you can”
–– “Had their beaks around my nads!”
A tender hug goodbye between Jane Goodall and a chimp she helped save
–– As he amorously whispers: ‘Me Tarzan, you Jane.’
Kendall Jenner Goes Braless, Models Sheer Top, Bleached Eyebrows at Fashion Week: Picture
–– And brainless.
Gary Oldman: 25 Things You Don't Know About Me
–– 22. Was once youngman.
Why I gave up soda
–– Couldn't taste the Scotch.
Photo of Christie ‘Soprano’-like?
–– Attitude of Christie 'Gotti’-like?
Facebook gives you 50 gender options
–– Still doesn’t cover John Travolta.
Few tears for Ray Nagin in New Orleans
–– Except from hookers who’ll miss his tips.
Georgia sheriff cancels Valentine’s Day
–– After shooting Cupid through heart.
Justin Bieber’s Wax Statue Has Been Groped To Death
–– Wax off.
It’s official, this woman is ‘Sexy’
–– Emphasis on the quote marks.
3,600-year-old mummy found
–– In Keith Richards’ mirror.
Welcome to world of ‘unboxing videos’
–– You’ll be unknocked out.
Their germs are now our germs
–– Why you shouldn’t French kiss your poodle.
What’s $17,211,558,177,668.77?
–– Fashion Week botox bill?
Watch Eight Corvettes fall into sinkhole
–– Valley parking.
Order: Destroy pics of bin Laden’s body
–– Especially shots in a Speedo.
Did Bible writers err on camels?
–– No, they were sitting in sand when they fucked up.
Michael Sam’s revelation hit dad hard
–– Though it did explain his pursuit of tight ends.
3.7 million car seats recalled
–– Added to bucket list.
A speaker so loud it could kill you
–– Rush Limbaugh.
Dutch skater Irene Wust, openly gay, 'got a cuddle' from Vladimir Putin
–– Putin: ‘Is normal, real man turned on by caviar kisser.’
Quit smokes, booze, dropped 200 lbs.
–– On foot.
What’s Monica Lewinsky been up to?
–– 200 lbs.
Why don’t sailors get sick?
–– Of reading articles like this?
Breakthrough in 1975 cold case
–– Antihistamine suspected.
Pharrell to Design Denim Line Made of Trash in the Ocean
–– Polyethylene Jeans.
Suicide Bombing Instructor Mistakenly Kills 22 Iraqi Pupils
–– Class was blast/fail.
Did Hillary call Monica a ‘loony toon’?
–– Porky Pig, specifically.
Doctor: Castaway ‘was a bit off’
–– Yeah, like 6,600 miles.
8.7 million pounds of meat recalled
–– In George Michaels’ memoir.
Star-Ledger editor on Christie endorsement: ‘We blew it’
–– ‘Thank God nobody read it.’
Rand Paul warns of Texas going blue
–– From holding it’s breath until Obamacare’s repealed.
Zoo puts down healthy giraffe
–– ‘You’re nothing but a zebra with a freakishly long neck.’
Peter Frampton on Beatles Tribute: ‘A Lot of Not-So-Dry Eyes’
–– ‘My guitar gently wept.’
At 63, The World’s Oldest Wild Bird Just Had A Baby
–– Few knew Cybill Shepherd was preggers.
The 5 Least Stressful Jobs in America
–– 2. Lint collector.
Woman posts photo of her breastfeeding puppy, says it was to save its life
–– At least that’s what the dog told her.
DMX’s Fight With George Zimmerman Canceled
–– When rapper learned stand your ground rules applied.
5 Cooking Mistakes that Pack on Pounds
–– 5. Leaving the chicken in the styrofoam tray when deep-frying.
10 Most High-Maintenance Dog Breeds
–– 8. Bitchin’ Frise.
That chemical Subway ditched? Yep, it’s everywhere
–– Melting the ice under your tires.
Clint Eastwood saves choking man
–– Thought he was empty chair.
Drought hits ski towns hard
–– Even dust slalom shut down.
JAY WALKING
Week of 02/07/14
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Jay Leno Says Goodbye to the Tonight Show
–– Enraged fan in Dubuque disconnects rabbit ears.
Leaked phone call: 'F••k the EU’
–– EU: Yes, please.
Christie and Perry ‘don’t like each other’
–– 82% of Americans agree. With both of them.
McNuggets are NOT made of this
–– PVC drain pipe.
Bill O’Reilly Blasts Jon Stewart, Says He’s Out In ‘Left-Wing Fantasyland’
–– While vacationing at ‘Right-Wing Westworld.’
Dog sent packing after eating owner’s $130,000 Aston Martin
–- Ejected from passenger seat.
A Cure For Some Of Our Most Dreaded Diseases Can Be Found In Beer?
–– Especially the disease of giving a shit.
Rupert Murdoch Allegedly Abused by Ex-Wife Wendi Deng
–– Fought back by forcing her to watch Fox & Friends.
Deaf composer admits faking work
–– Public admits faking listening to it.
U.S. and Russian diplomats discuss Pussy Riot
–– Try not to snicker.
The changing popularity of porn
–– Still gets a big hand.
How ‘heavy bass’ led to teen’s slaying
–– Fish fell on him.
'Affluenza’ teen sent to rehab
–– At Canyon Ranch Detox Deluxe.
Bieber’s jet filled with pot smoke, source says
–– And the scent of baby oil.
What not to say to a transgender person
–– ‘Whatcha’ got in there?’
Taylor Swift’s ‘freeze-out’ advice
–– ‘Just ask my exes.’
Defendant: I saw a shotgun, or a stick
–– Or a very frightened snake.
Ex-teacher now runs drug cartel
–– Walter Blanco.
Yellow water, iffy toilets in Sochi
–– Related issues?
Are Sochi’s dogs being poisoned?
–– By drinking yellow water?
Philip Seymour Hoffman leaves extraordinary legacy
–- To his three young fatherless children.
Putin, Persian leopard in pitch-perfect photo-op
–– Howling Back in the U.S.S.R. together.
Romney on 2016: ‘The answer is no’
–– The question: ’Did any sentient being think you would run?’
Living with Stiff Person Syndrome
–– By Ann Romney.
Brandi Glanville: 25 Things You Don’t Know About Me
–– 22. Original name: Daiquiry.
The GOP Should Be Wary of An Immigration ‘Breakout’
–– Terrified of black heads.
Fatal Car Crashes Involving Pot Use Have Tripled in U.S., Study Finds
–– Fatal car crashes involving booze insist they’re not worried.
Will Vladimir Putin’s alleged girlfriend be lighting Sochi Olympic flame?
–– Just one in his pants.
The Queen Has Commanded Kate Middleton to Wear Longer Dresses
–– She promises to do so at Royal Funeral.
Multilingual Coke ad sparks anger
–– In monolingual polar bears.
5 things the new Farm Bill means for you
–– 4. Overall discounts.
Girls told to get ‘sexual cleansing’
–– By some douche.
Alfred the Great remains found?
–– Yep, he’s still found.
5 absolute worst kinds of bosses
–– 2. Floggers.
How to avoid digital eye strain
–– Unread this headline.
Christie booed at Super Bowl event
–– After chugging entire table of wings.
5 Least Intelligent Dog Breeds
–– Dopey Dimmont Terrier, Goonhound, Lhasa Assho, Alaskan Malamook, Dullmatian.
David Ortiz pranked with exploding golf ball at charity event
–– Teed off.
Rowling: Hermione should’ve wed Harry
–– Instead of getting knocked up by Hagrid.
'Bush will get his!’ armed man screams
–– Before mailing him Publisher’s Clearinghouse letter.
Christie: ‘Bombshell is not a bombshell’
–– ‘I’ve dumped bigger bombshells after a light lunch.’
Egypt Locks Morsi in Soundproof Cage During Trial
–– Considering strait-jacket and Hannibal Lecter-style muzzle.
What to tell freed Guantanamo prisoners.
–– ‘If you need anything, here’s Don Rumsfeld’s cell number.’
Woman arrested for feeding bears
–- Babies.
Dead grandpa lives as avatar
–– Blue and 10-feet tall.
Beer-delivery drone grounded by FAA
–– For flying under the influence.
Apparently This Matters: Colonel Meow is dead
–– What a pussy!