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POST HATES
Week of 10/26/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em

Cesar Sayoc, US mail bombing suspect, an ardent Trump supporter
–– Touched base.

Trump supporter to Stelter: We are all human
–– Declines DNA test.

Mail-bomb suspect displayed rage — and love for Trump — on social media pages
–– Put in pipe, tried to smoke it.

Explosive Devices Found in Mail Sent to Hillary Clinton and Obama
–– Hillary reminded of Comey 'surprise' two years earlier.

Agents trace bomb found in mailbox at Soros' N.Y. home
–– George tsuris.

Cops used a big white sphere to move an apparent bomb from CNN's office building in New York
–– Borrowed from The Prisoner.

Twitter Explodes After 'Gaslighter' Sarah Sanders Accuses CNN Of Dividing America
–– They were asking for it.

Fox Business Network host Lou Dobbs peddles conspiracy theory about suspicious packages
–– In Fox gym's locker room.

FBI Sending Suspicious Packages To Quantico For Analysis
–– Dobbs is right –– deep state mailing them!

James Woods dismisses suspected bomb sent to Clintons as an 'obvious political stunt'
–– He’s obviously politically stunted.

Fox News: ‘Our Thoughts Are With CNN’
–– ‘The mean, petty, spiteful ones.’

Fox News Network Guests Help Spread "False Flag" Bomb Scare Theory
–– One from Nambia?

CNN's Jeff Zucker criticizes Trump's anti-media rhetoric after bomb scare
–– Zucker punch.

After pipe bomb scare, Trump asks rally, 'Do you see how nice I am behaving tonight?'
–– ‘I could be mistaken for a President.’

Donald Trump Tweets “Bombs” Intended to Slow GOP Midterm Momentum, Blasts “Ridiculous” 9/11 Comparisons
–– Hopefully GOP bombs without quotes.

Michael Avenatti to Time: 2020 Democratic nominee should be ‘white male’
–– Like bomber’s ‘white mail?’

Trump Says Saudi Account of Khashoggi Killing Is ‘Worst Cover-Up’ in History
–– Excluding own hairstyle.

Saudi Crown Prince calls Khashoggi's killing "heinous" act
–– “Especially investigation part.”

Saudi Crown Prince Gets Standing Ovation Despite Inquiries Into Khashoggi
–- From those with hands.

Saudi dissident YouTube star defiant after Khashoggi murder
–– But will not be visiting Saudi embassy anytime soon.

Khashoggi fiancée rejects Trump invitation to visit White House
–– Mention of 15 Saudi 'invitees' a turn-off.

Caitlyn Jenner says she was 'wrong' to think Trump would help LGBTQ people; does not support Trump
–– Snapped out of trans?

Rare Dumbo octopus filmed in deep sea off Monterey Bay
–– And flying over.

A cultured chicken nugget could hit the market by the end of the year
–– One that's read The Hen Also Rises, Hatch-22, Cackler in the Rye.

‘Headless chicken monster' filmed with new technology
–– In latest slang for uncircumcised penis.

200 Years On, U.K. Hunts for Grave of Man Called World’s 1st Black Sports Star
–– Boxer nicknamed Bangers 'n' Mash.

How Google Protected Andy Rubin, the ‘Father of Android’
–– Just tell us Andy’s short for Android.

U.K. Apologizes for Visa Letters Demanding Immigrants Submit a DNA Test
–– In return envelope.

Gingrich: Democrats probing Trump tax returns would show if 'Kavanaugh fight was worth it'
–- ‘Sometimes breaking the law to protect a lawbreaker just is.’

‘Star Wars’ Boba Fett Movie No Longer In Development; Lucasfilm Focusing On ‘The Mandalorian’ Streaming Series
–– Met its Fett.

HBO to Staff All Sex Scenes With Intimacy Coordinator
–– Formerly ‘fluffer.’

Emma Stone Says Her Organs Shifted While Wearing Corset in 'The Favourite'
–– Including brain?

Dakota Johnson Brings Grandma Tippi Hedren to 'Suspiria' Premiere
–– Thought it was for The Birds.

Mattis approves U.S. troops for border with Mexico
–– Like performing SEALS.

Trump Reportedly Considering Executive Action That Targets Migrants Seeking Asylum
–– He should seek asylum.

Man Armed With Hammer Tries To Steal Original Copy Of Magna Carta
–– Master thief had previously planned to steal crown jewels with church key.

Nun scolds breastfeeding mom at doctor's office: 'That’s inappropriate — you can’t do that in here'
–– Don't knock 'er if you havent tried it.

Son Of Witness: Suspect In Fatal Kroger Shooting Said 'Whites Don't Kill Whites'
–– Do ‘wacks kill wacks?’

Mueller investigating whether Roger Stone, associates knew of Clinton email leaks
–– Heavy ‘whether’.

Jimmy Kimmel Calls BS On America's Favorite Novel, And The People Prove Him Right
–– To Quell a Mockingbird?

Andrew Gillum Is the New World Champion of Devastating Political Ethers
–– Ethers or?

Republicans push ahead with conservative Trump judicial nominees
–– Talk about rush to judgment.

The other reasons you should care if Chris Pine gets naked
–– At Pinewood Studios?

Anthony Scaramucci Tells Donald Trump: 'Dial Down The Lying'
–– ‘To 11.’

Al Roker Calls Out NBC Colleague Megyn Kelly For Blackface Defense
–– Shot right in her neck of the woods.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Megyn Kelly's Blackface Remark Was 'Hate Crime-Adjacent'
–– Lives in plantation across way.

Megyn Kelly Sees ‘House Of Cards’ Guests Bail On Her Show Amid Blackface Scandal
–– Still have chutes from Kevin Spacey jump.

Megyn Kelly's Show Is Officially Canceled Three Days After Controversial Comments
–– No blackface, just eye.

Rep. Jeffries: Trump shows 'depraved indifference to human life'
–– Not just because it polls well.

Jeff Flake Tells 'The View' He Doubted Brett Kavanaugh But Voted For Him Anyway
–– Which is what individuals of conscience do.

‘Daredevil’ Showrunner Says ‘Iron Fist’ Cancelation Was a ‘Hard Blow,’ Remains in the Dark on Marvel’s Future on Netflix
–– Well, fist is iron.

Stress might lead to memory loss and brain shrinkage, study says
–– That's so upsetting I could…could…something or other.

Bob Dylan’s ‘Blonde on Blonde’ cover was an accident, had nothing to do with drugs, says photographer
–– 'Only time Dylan was straight during entire recording of album.'

New York Times: China, Russia listening to Trump's cell phone calls
–– For shits, giggles.

63 more cases of salmonella linked to recalled raw beef
–– Steak tata.

The woman who created the green bean casserole has died
–– Merciful God allowed her to live 53 years after that abomination.

McDonald’s adds its first new breakfast sandwich in 5 years
–– As stomach pump technology improved.

Will Smith: I felt instant chemistry with Jada
–– ‘We got like that sulfur smell.’

Campbell Soup disavows Soros conspiracy theory tweeted by VP
–– From soup to nuts.

Tracy Chapman sues Nicki Minaj over unauthorised sample
–– Copped her dreads.

Trump 'says it's OK,' says man accused of groping passenger on Southwest flight
–– Gave it thumb way up.

Trump: 'You know what I am? I'm a nationalist'
–– We do.

Security guard shoots angry man during attack on Washington Fox affiliate, police say
–– Allowed angry men on air go free.

Kelly grabbed Lewandowski by the collar last winter
–– Of which pencil-necked geek has plenty.

College students experienced trauma symptoms after Trump's election, study says
–– What was their excuse not voting against him in first place?

Trump Jr., girlfriend kiss and campaign
–– For herpes vaccine?

Jackie Bradley Jr.'s 'Freakish Talent' and Determination Spark Playoff Spurt
–– Not everyone can lick own balls.

To the Next ‘BBQ Becky’: Don't Call 911. Call 1-844-WYT-FEAR.
–– If scared whiteless.

’That makes me more powerful than Putin!': Texas Gov. Greg Abbott boasts about the state economy and compares it to Russia's
–– Keep your shirt on!

Bible Museum says five of its Dead Sea Scrolls are fake
–– Salt content should've been giveaway.

After Bible Museum scandal, more American Christians suspect they bought fake Dead Sea Scrolls
–– Humiliated, they lose faith.

Working with Trump 'not always simple,' says Trudeau
–– ‘Though he was.’

The Boring Company's LA test tunnel is almost complete
–– Yawn.

Brett Kavanaugh: Witches placed mass hex on Supreme Court Justice during New York protest ritual
–– Submerge voodoo doll in beer keg.

Monty Python Icon John Cleese Has 2 Brutal Questions For Evangelical Trump Fans
–– Path of Cleese resistance.

Kim Kardashian Explains the Upside of Kanye West’s Friendship with Donald Trump
–– ‘You pathetic fools are still talking to me.’

Fantastic Beasts star slams critics: Watch sequel before 'talking s---'
–– 'Then you'll have more ammunition.'

Banning plastic straws is a little like spitting in the wind
–– Through straw.

Jackie Kennedy 'Was a Little Nervous' on Her Wedding Day to Aristotle Onassis 50 Years Ago Today
–– Feared big O.

Special counsel reportedly taking closer look at ties between Stone, WikiLeaks
–– Everyone must get Stone.

Twitter Agog At Trump Whopper That Californians Are 'Rioting' Over Sanctuary Cities
–– Quiet riot.

Trump: US to pull out of Russia nuclear pact
–– Wasn’t wearing protection.

Lioness kills the father of her 3 cubs at Indianapolis Zoo
–– #Meoow Too.

This pizza place doesn't deliver. That didn't stop an employee from driving 450 miles to bring a pie to a man in hospice care
–– Who demanded he get it free because delivery took more than 30 minutes.

Chris Sale Says He Was Hospitalized Due to Irritation in Belly Button Ring
–– Navel rank.

McConnell confronted in Kentucky restaurant
–– Kentucky fried chicken.

School cook who served kangaroo meat in a chili loses his job
–– With Mexican jumping beans?

Mohammed bin Salman's inner circle takes the blame for Khashoggi's death
–– Shiekhing with fear.

Saudi Cover Story On Jamal Khashoggi Murder Doubted By Sunday News Analysts
–– And anyone over 5.

Surveillance footage shows Saudi 'body double' in Khashoggi's clothes after he was killed, Turkish source says
–– bin Salman: 'Talk about a coincedence!'

Kushner says Trump administration still in "fact-finding phase" in Khashoggi killing
–– Taking forever to find ones they like.

Tucker Carlson on Jamal Khashoggi Backlash: "It's a Game; Don't Play Along"
–– ‘Like Operation with bone saw.’

The media shows a country split in half. This study says that's not the case
–– It’s more 51%/49%.


BONE SAW, MONSIEUR!
Week of 10/19/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em

Saudi affair exposes Trumpism's moral apathy
–– Fake news! He cares deeply about evil.

Trump calls Stormy Daniels 'Horseface'
–– Always liked riding her.

“You’re guilty until proven innocent”: Trump compares Saudi Arabia’s denials to Brett Kavanaugh
–– They didn’t just hold hand over Khashoggi’s mouth.

President Trump: "I have no financial interests in Saudi Arabia"
–– “I spent their money in other countries.”

Erdogan: Investigators looking into toxic material following Saudi consulate search
–– Erdogan expert at poison, disappeared dissidents, Trump blandishments.

Khashoggi disappearance prompts Kushner retreat from Saudi frontlines
–– Stationed behind West Wing potted plant with eyes shut, hands over ears.

Jared Kushner And Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman Reportedly Talk On WhatsApp
–– Jared always begins ‘Whassup?’

Mike Pompeo told Trump to give the Saudis a "few more days" to investigate Khashoggi's disappearance
–– While they enter rehab to get story straight.

Saudi Arabia ‘Coincidentally’ Wires $100 Million To U.S. Amid Khashoggi Controversy
–– Just how it sheikhed out.

In Shift on Khashoggi Killing, Trump Edges Closer to Acknowledging a Saudi Role
–– Did bin Salman mail him head as gift?

Saudi suspect in Khashoggi case ‘dies in car accident’: Report
–– Should've avoided Riyadhsharing.

Trump jokes about congressman assaulting reporter: 'Any guy who can do a body slam ... he's my guy'
–– ‘And dismember an editorial writer?…that’s my hero!’

Judge Dismissed Stormy Daniels’s Defamation Suit Against Donald Trump
–– Exposed like birthday suit.

’Tiny’ Vs. 'Horseface': Trump Slings Mud With Stormy Daniels After Courtroom Win
–– Our generation’s Lincoln-Douglas debates.

‘Horseface,’ ‘Lowlife,’ ‘Fat, Ugly’: How the President Demeans Women
–– It’s called projecting.

Senator: We've all said things like 'horseface'
–– Right, horse’s ass.

Carly Fiorina Says Trump Has Reached A 'New Low' With Stormy Daniels Attacks
–– Recently broke through to earth’s core.

The world's largest organism is dying, but there are still ways to save it
–– Beginning with diet for Steven Seagal.

Ellen lands Naomi Osaka a date with her crush
–– Serena smashes racket.

Trump claims (without evidence) that Dems are behind migrant caravan ahead of midterms
–– So marching in middle?

Newt Gingrich: The caravan is an attack on America -- Stop the caravan now
–– Nuke Gingrich.

‘The Talk’ Co-Host Eve Says Julie Chen’s Exit Was ‘Extremely Hard’
–– Took three security guards to remove her.

Manafort appears in court in wheelchair, to be sentenced in February
–– Wearing shades, carrying cane, drooling: anything for lighter sentence.

Julian Assange sues Ecuador for 'violating his rights'
–– Ecuador countersues for squatting.

Steve McQueen Returns: "I Never Thought I Was Anything Other Than Brilliant"
–– Disproving own theory.

Man Who Murdered Mom With Hammer Sobs as He Asks Judge for Second Chance
–– With hammer on dad?

Muslims prayed in wrong direction for 37 years in village in Turkey’s west
–– Allah thought they’d lost heads.

MoviePass Parent Target of Fraud Probe by NY Attorney General
–– Light scammers' action.

Justice Dept. Rank-and-File Tell of Discontent Over Sessions’s Approach
–– Justice fatigue of America.

Nikki Haley jokes at fundraising dinner: 'You wanted an Indian woman, but Elizabeth Warren failed her DNA test'
–– Indian slummer.

Police officers in the US were charged with more than 400 rapes over a 9-year period
–– PBA: ‘C’mon, that’s only 3.7 a week, not even every day.’

Trump’s failure to fight climate change is a crime against humanity
–– It’s not the heat, it’s the humanity.

Peter Dinklage Helped Jamie Dornan Run Lines for 'Fifty Shades'
–– Fifty Shades Wee.

Clinton Impeachment Lawyer Emmet Flood Steps In As White House Counsel
–– Open Flood gates.

Weed was legal in Canada for a whole hour before someone got a ticket for driving and toking
–– Canadian bongin'.

States with legal marijuana see rises in car crashes, studies find
–– Due to roach rage.

Why White Supremacists Are Chugging Milk (and Why Geneticists Are Alarmed)
–– They're having a cow.

Kobe Bryant Dropped From Animation Festival Jury
–– Hard cel.

‘The Conners' Stars on Roseanne Barr's Premiere Reaction: "We Understand That She's Hurting"
–– ‘Thankfully.’

Roseanne character dies of opioid overdose as 'The Conners' take over
–– From Rush Limbaugh's stash.

Kanye West's Talk About Mental Health Canceled, Co-Host Says It 'Would Not Be Productive'
–– But think of all the memes that'd be created!

Kanye West Is Back On Twitter Talking About Mind Control
–– Should send messages telepathically in future.

Hillary Clinton contradicts Monica Lewinsky’s claim that affair with Bill Clinton was ‘gross abuse of power’
–– Concurs on ‘gross.’

Drake Opens Up About Relationship With Rihanna, Admits He Wanted 'the Fairy Tale'
–– Beauty and the Beast?

Trump Has Raised More Than $100 Million For 2020 Re-Election Effort
–– 20% of which might be spent on campaign.

GOP’s Kavanaugh Win Could Inspire Midterms Revenge For Dems
–– Anything to get them off lazy ass.

Midterm elections: Michelle Obama compared to chimpanzee by Republican Senate candidate
–– He's paramecium on evolutionary scale.

Piers Morgan Disgusted With 'Emasculated' 007 Daniel Craig Carrying Baby Daughter
–– Just jealous because his sack’s empty.

To Avoid Conflicts, Rick Scott Created a Trust Blind in Name Only
–– Just tone deaf, dumb like him.

Astros’ Controversial Roberto Osuna Trade Blows Up in Critical ALCS Game 3
–– Was batterer up.

Alaska’s lieutenant governor resigns over 'inappropriate comments' 3 weeks before election
–– Propositioned reindeer.

T.I.’s 'Melania stripper' video shows Trump-level misogyny
–– Piggy, piggy, piggy.

Tom Llamas: 'In a lot of ways' Melania Trump is the 'polar opposite of her husband'
–– He vast frozen waste of Antarctica, she desolate North Pole.

First lady's plane lands safely after 'mechanical issue'
–– Metaphorical hits keep on coming.

USA Gymnastics loses its 2nd president in 2 months
–– She sticks landing.

Joe Biden says age a 'totally legitimate' question if he were to run for office again
–– And remember his.

Nevada brothel owner making Trump-inspired run for office dies at 72
–– Well, pimp my coffin.

'There is no God,' says Stephen Hawking in final book
–– God: ‘There is no Stephen Hawking.’

Democrats Surge Ahead of Republicans in Fund-Raising for Key Races
–– Claims NY Times which had Clinton’s chances at over 80% on Election Day 2016.

It wasn’t Amazon alone that killed Sears
–– Was murder/suicide.

Panera wants you to know exactly what's in your bread
–– Not cardboard you’re tasting.

Rubio: No amount of money could 'purchase back our credibility on human rights' if US doesn't take action after Khashoggi's disappearance
–– Or How Trump Can Make Even Avaricious Lackeys of Corporate Interests Look Like Humanitarians.

Family of abducted Tanzanian billionaire offer reward for information
–– Confirming they will soon inherit fortune.

Tucker Carlson Says He Can't Go to Restaurants Anymore
–– Causes projectile vomiting in other patrons.

Lena Dunham, 'Camping' Stars on "Systemic Misogyny" Behind "Unlikable" Critique
–– And “Toxic Discernment.”

World’s priciest weapon faces criticism
— Dud-shamed on Twitter.

Microsoft Co-Founder Paul Allen Dies At 65
–– Before pearly Gates.

This congressional district is drowning. Will voters choose a Republican to save it?
–– By holding heads under?

Deficit balloons to highest level since 2012
–– In shape of Trump in diaper.

Why the New ‘Murphy Brown’ Includes a Dreamer
–– Anything to make you forget it’s 20 years out-of-date.

Among the Ruins of Mexico Beach Stands One House, Built ‘for the Big One’
–– Has concrete reinforced toilets.

Sears, once a retail titan, files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy
–– Sears blow buck.

Iron Fist Cancelled: 'Defending the Greatest City Has Been a Privilege,' Says Series Star Finn Jones
–– Fist bump.

'Luke Cage' Canceled as Netflix Trims Its Marvel Roster Some More
–– Cage free.

Republican Senator David Perdue Takes Student’s Phone for Asking About Voter Suppression
–– Chicken.

Patriot Prayer rally in Portland turns violent amid clashes with Antifa
–– They’d been praying to crack some libtard skulls.

Former Patriots star Aaron Hernandez was sexually abused as a child, says report
–– Post-mortem rehabilitation efforts continue apace.

Why A Teenager Says He Worries His Mom ‘Could End Up Dead Or In Prison’
–– ‘I’m a murderous psychopath who also likes framing people.’

Th Air Force Plans to Arm Stealth F-22s and F-35s with the Ultimate Weapon
–– Where it’s bound to get lost.

British restaurant owner ‘shot dead by hunters’ while biking in the French Alps
–– Who were ‘très excité’ to bag deer riding bicycle.

Trump Says Without His Mockery Of Christine Blasey Ford, 'We Would Not Have Won'
–– Which says everything you need to know about ‘victory’.

Maine faces consumer backlash after Senator Susan Collins backs Kavanaugh
–– Can lobsters claw back business?

Brooklyn Witches Plan to Put a Hex on Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh
–– Spell involves cauldron of beer.

Man who shot at black teenager asking for directions to school convicted for assault
–– Youth awarded smartphone with GPS.

Group led by Steve Bannon spending $3 million on digital ads ahead of midterm election
–– Giving finger to liberals.

Trump calls Mattis 'sort of a Democrat' and says he 'may leave'
–– In sense he pathetically still believes in democratic institutions.

Brexit talks hit a wall as deal falters over Northern Ireland
–– Which Sinn Fein offers to blow up.

Trump touts Saudi King's denial in journalist's disappearance
–– ‘I mean it was Putin-level convincing.’

Trump Says ‘Rogue Killers’ May Be Involved in Jamal Khashoggi Case
–- Composed of 400-lb guys who’d been sitting on beds.

Trump sends Pompeo to Saudi Arabia as king orders Khashoggi probe
–– Pompeo to hug, comfort bin Salman.

Trump Jr. retweets unsubstantiated claim on missing Saudi journalist
–– Tweets ill of dead.

Why claim Khashoggi's Apple Watch recorded alleged murder is unlikely
–– Though it would make killer ad.

Saudi Arabia: Any US sanctions over Khashoggi would 'stab its own economy to death'
–– Like it was dissident Washington Post columnist.

Gerard Butler discusses his decision to cancel Saudi trip after journalist's disappearance
–– Thought region had suffered enough.

Saudis preparing to admit Jamal Khashoggi died during interrogation, sources say
–– That’s questionable.

Who Trump thinks the best leader in history is
–– After him?

Elizabeth Warren releases DNA test with 'strong evidence' of Native American ancestry
–– She's definitey Naive American.

Trump says 'who cares' after Warren takes DNA test, denies $1 million offer
–– Who’d put up $1 mil to prove he’s humanoid?

Trump Says He'll Only Donate To Charity If He Can Test Elizabeth Warren's DNA Himself
–– She should spit in face to provide sample.

Hatch mocks Warren over DNA test with his own results showing '1/1032 T-Rex'
–– Which explains tiny brain, short reach.

The T Rex’s tiny baby arms might have been way more useful than they seem
–– As scientists recover massive fossilized schlong.

Bones reveal Neanderthal child was eaten by a giant bird
–– Pecky eater.


SHEIKH SHOCK
Week of 10/12/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em

Screenshots show Khashoggi did not see text messages after entering Saudi consulate
–– Especially 'Run!!!'

Should USA Today have published Trump's op-ed?
–– If they had funnies page.

Photos Emerge of an Alleged 'Assassination Squad' Sent to Kill Saudi Journalist Jamal Khashoggi
–– Or was it casting call for Jack Ryan?

Saudi crown prince: We have nothing to hide
–– Body parts dissolved in acid bath.

Viacom, NY Times, LA Times Withdraw From Saudi Conference In Wake Of Journalist Disappearance
–– Kinda Saudi awkward.

A teacher who said Stephen Miller ate glue as a child is reassigned
–– Miller: ‘It was snot!’

What does Beto O'Rourke's $38 million fundraising haul actually tell us?
–– People outside district should be voting.

After Ruining Mayonnaise, Can Millennials Save America?
–– They’re spread pretty thin.

Nearly 800 dietary supplements contained unapproved drug ingredients, study finds
–– The big dopes!

Jami Gertz Got Game: How an Actress Became an NBA Team Owner
–– Billionaire husband bought it.

Teen shoots cousin over salt and vinegar potato chips: cops
–– Had chip on shoulder?

Naked guy on meth takes dip in holy water, masturbates during Mass: cops
–– ‘Baptized his baby’ in slang.

A week removed from disappointing end to Cubs season, Jon Lester provides perspective
–– In architectural rendering of Wrigley Field.

Trump says the Fed has ‘gone crazy’ after the Dow tumbles 830 points in one day
–– He’s contagious?

Report: Cubs fire hitting coach Chili Davis after just one season
–– Accused of being hot dog.

President Trump signs the Music Modernization Act into law
–– At least one aspect of American life will post-date 1980.

Medieval Knight Re-enactor Killed After Accidentally Impaling Himself with His Lance
–– Sir Lance-alot.

Wall Street Journal: FBI personnel recalled from Asia in prostitution probe
–– Operation John Dough.

Trump talked with Jeff Sessions' chief of staff about replacing him – and Republicans say the former prosecutor is already 'heir apparent'
–– Clear the heir.

Trump is a 'on his hero's journey' and I'm 'a crazy motherf***er': Kanye's 10-minute Oval Office rant as he pounds the Resolute Desk, says his MAGA hat is 'a Superman cape' and jokes about 2024 run - with president responding: 'Wow, that was impressive'
–– Only man in America can out-wack Prez.

Kanye West tells Trump MAGA hat made him feel like 'Superman'
–– Or was it ‘Stuporman’?

The code to unlock Kanye West's iPhone is '000000' — and everyone is freaking out
–– Insists it’s code name given him by MI6.

Jim Brown: Donald Trump Treated Kanye West and Me 'Beautifully' During Meeting
–– Fondly, if hazily, recalls many years playing football without helmet.

Kim Kardashian is not embarrassed about Kanye West's visit with Trump
–– Like she could feel shame.

Panama City residents learn harsh lesson after Hurricane Michael: 'I never would have stayed'
–– Harsher lesson: stay permanently.

FEMA official on rescue efforts: "We want to get to as many survivors as we possibly can"
–– That’s big of them.

Man who rode out storm in Mexico Beach describes seeing cars floating by his window
–– And how he brews own hooch.

Arnold Schwarzenegger says he 'stepped over the line' with women
–– ‘And I’ll be back.’

‘Everywhere I go, black people go crazy’: Alec Baldwin thinks his Donald Trump impersonation has enhanced his fanbase
–– Just like real deal.

Melania Trump: 'I'm the most bullied person on the world'
–– Duh, who’s your husband?

'They need to show the evidence': First Lady Melania Trump says #MeToo victims need to have proof of sexual misconduct if they come forward, while voicing her support for men
–– Just because she has it?

Melania Trump says sexual assault survivors need to provide ‘really hard evidence’ to be believed
–– Should always carry rape kit in handbag.

Melania Trump says President Trump's alleged affairs are 'not concern and focus of mine'
–– Just ‘cost of doing business.’

Former MI6 spy Christopher Steele, who compiled controversial dossier, breaks silence to criticize Trump
–– Steele's thunder.

NY man charged with building 200-lb bomb to allegedly detonate on Election Day
–– Is alleged detonation crime?

Tina Turner worried about her wigs during sex
–– They tended to curl up, dye.

Joe Giudice will be deported to Italy
–– Italy: ‘Can’t we have punitive trade tariffs instead?’

Greece bans 'overweight' tourists from riding donkeys
–– Donkeys: Efcharistó!

Dog Surrendered with Heartbreaking Note Before Owner's Suicide Now Has New Loving Home
–– Had paw penmanship.

Maggie Gyllenhaal Speaks Out About Allegations of Sexual Misconduct Against Costar James Franco
–– Deuce what comes naturally.

Trump told Japan’s Abe to consider donor Adelson’s casino bid: report
–– Crapped out.

'Buckle Up Buttercup': Michael Avenatti Tells Donald Trump Jr. To Get Ready For Prison
–– As man of convictions.

Michael Avenatti offers to fight Donald Trump Jr for charity
–– The Fallen Egos Fund.

Don Lemon Educates Donald Trump On The Real Definition Of A 'Mob'
–– Oh, that Don knows real definition of mob.

Umpire Ángel Hernández gets roasted on Twitter after having three calls overturned
–– Douched by an Ángel.

GoT’s Sophie Turner Says She and Maisie Williams Would Smoke Weed and 'Sit in the Bath Together'
–– Take turns on throne.

One Day After Catastrophic UN Climate Report, Trump Removes Restrictions on Ethanol Gasoline
–– Consumes three taco bowls, extra beans.

Sears bankruptcy isn't surprising when looking at these numbers
–– Hideous ensembles in Womens.

#HimToo Trends On Twitter After Proud Mom Praises Son Who 'Won't Go On Solo Dates'
–– Except with ‘pet monkey.’

Melania Trump Wore a Red Turtleneck Sweater As She Returns to the United States
–– Will retract head for next several weeks.

Trump's U.N. envoy Haley resigns, rules out 2020 run for office
–– Haley and farewell.

What really sparked Nikki Haley's unexpected resignation?
–– Nikki knackered?

Jared Kushner Gets Mercilessly Mocked Over Nikki Haley's 'Hidden Genius' Praise
–– Only father-in-law’s proctologist knows where.

Ivanka Trump takes herself out of running for UN job soon after Trump says she'd be 'incredible'
–– As in not credible.

Lawmaker laughs at Trump's staffing suggestion
–– Because everyone knows he'd love to 'staff' Ivanka.

Stormy Daniels jokes about a stint in politics
–– And getting her pole numbers up.

Stormy Daniels Details Her Weird Airport Run-In With Michael Cohen
–– Couldn't stop staring at overhead rack.

Suspect in Maduro assassination plot dies in mysterious fall from window
–– Caracas head.

LeBron James Jokes Sons, Ages 11 and 14, Drink Wine with Him
–– And dribble a little.

Sen. Heitkamp dismisses Clinton's comments on civility as 'ridiculous'
–– Denounces as ‘height of camp’.

Anthony Weiner to be released from prison early
–– ‘Lil’ Weiner’ was often free between bars.

Red Sox Troll Yankees by Playing 'New York, New York' During ALDS Celebration
–– Cruel, but couldn’t happen to nicer team.

Kavanaugh settles in, hires 4 female clerks, joins court for first day of arguments
–– All with that ‘certain look.’

Kim Jong Un appears to have a new Rolls-Royce
–– And new rolls-fat.

Brazil’s far-right frontrunner Bolsonaro says he will rule with 'authority not authoritarianism'
–– Something lost in translation.

Christian leader Jerry Falwell urges Trump support: 'He’s a moral person'
–– Right: 'He’s immoral person.'

Virgin Galactic space shot is go 'within weeks, not months'
–– Plans get laid.

How the Finnish lifestyle of getting drunk while wearing pants became the new hygge
–– Add Mickey Finn.

Taylor Swift gets political at American Music Awards, encourages people to get out and vote
–– The Bolshevik!

Republicans, White Nationalists Fume Over Taylor Swift’s Senate Endorsement
–– Shake it off.

Melania Trump praises Kavanaugh, laments attention on her clothes
–– Need to spend more time heeding her defense of scumbags.

Langone to millennials embracing socialism: 'I'll put you on my plane and fly you to Venezuela'
– Millennial: "Only if you ride wing."

Hope Hicks Lands As Communications Chief for New Fox
–– Hope hicks are happy.

The Myth of the Lazy Nonvoter
–– 60% who don’t vote in midterms just ‘differently-motivated’.

‘Walking Dead’ Actor Scott Wilson Dies at 76
–– Shuffles off.

President Trump Seen Trailing What Looks Like Toilet Paper on His Shoe as He Boards Air Force One
–– Actually copy of Constitution he’d been stomping on.

Bongo Expected to Tighten Control of Gabon in Legislative Vote
–– Drumming up support.

Chi Chi, Golden Retriever With 4 Amputated Legs, Wins American Hero Dog Award
–– Stumped for votes.

Trump’s Scottish resorts posted multi-million pound losses in 2017
–– Trump could use multi-pound loss.

’Think of us small people’: Tesla fans are begging Elon Musk to stop tweeting
–– Musk: ‘Hey, I’m a small person, too!’

Robert Redford: ‘I Feel Out of Place in the Country I Was Born Into’
–– The sting!

NYPD: Reputed mobster Sylvester Zottola killed while waiting at McDonald's drive-thru in the Bronx
–– Ordered Big Whack.

Liberal groups won't support Democrats backing Kavanaugh
–– Aiming gun at their other foot.

How Casper drove Mattress Firm into bankruptcy
–– Hadn’t ghost of chance.

Minnesota TV Reporter Fired for Wearing Trump Hat at Rally
–– That’s outrageous: couldn’t they just decapitate?

U.S. General Considered Nuclear Response in Vietnam War, Cables Show
–– Atom Nam.

Banksy artwork self-destructs just after $1.4 million sale
–– Shred of indecency.

Pope Orders New Inquiry Into Abuse Accusations Against McCarrick
–– Hasn't a blessed clue.

Chuck Grassley Says Workload May Deter Women From Joining Judiciary Committee
–– And jerk load.

George W. Bush made several calls reassuring Collins about Kavanaugh
–– Ex-drunk coke fiend perfect character witness.

Michelle Obama is getting heat for her friendship with 'wonderful man' George W. Bush: 'I love him to death'
–– However you get rid of him.

Collins: 'I do not believe that Brett Kavanaugh was' Ford's assailant
–– 'I suspect one-armed man.'

FBI Chief Says Kavanaugh Investigation Was 'Limited In Scope' At White House Direction
–– Conducted by cast of CBS series.

Christine Blasey Ford’s Attorneys Reveal Statement From Corroborating Witness
–– FBI promise to circular file.

Former Yale Law School Dean: Kavanaugh's Confirmation Is An 'American Tragedy'
–– Don’t need to attend Ivy to know that.

Mitch McConnell Defends Blocking Merrick Garland
–– Believes he should be crowned with garland.

Senate Dem: Justice Kavanaugh will have 'a big asterisk after his name'
–– Which, after all, looks like asshole.

Trump falsely says Kavanaugh was 'proven innocent' at swearing-in
–– Anything less than life plus 100 years is ‘innocent’ to him.

Kellyanne Conway: Justice Kavanaugh 'should not be seen as tainted'
–– One whiff will tell you he is.


SCUM'S UP
Week of 10/05/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em

Susan Collins’ Vote Ensures Brett Kavanaugh’s Supreme Court Confirmation
–– Maine squeeze.

My IUD Gave Me The Worst Acne Of My Life
–– Um, it doesn’t go in nose.

Sen. Orrin Hatch Dismisses Kavanaugh Protesters: ‘Grow Up’
–– ‘And a pair if you expect me to listen to you.’

Trump dismisses anti-Kavanaugh protesters as 'rude elevator screamers' paid for by George Soros
–– He had some in groping days.

Trump mocks Kavanaugh accuser Christine Blasey Ford at campaign rally
–– Adds insult to injury to infamy.

Key Republican senators condemn Trump's mockery of Ford
–– Have been on board for mockery of presidency.

Kavanaugh writes op-ed arguing he is an 'independent, impartial judge' after emotional testimony
–– Unless 'my Republican masters tell me you're a treasonous Democrat libtard.'

Don’t Confirm Brett Kavanaugh, Says Retired Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens
–– Doesn't meet benchmark.

China hits back after Mike Pence claims Beijing wants to kick Trump out of White House
–– Like Bruce Lee vs. Chuck Norris.

His vision changed after he took an erectile dysfunction drug
–– Objects larger than they appear.

Ireland’s Kripsy Kreme drive-thru forced to close overnight after chaotic scenes
–– Did headline writer have tipsy cream?

Gisele Bündchen Says She Cried When She Was Forced to Walk Topless in Her First Major Runway Show
–– McQueen held designer gun on her?

Concertgoers 'went crazy' when Hillary and Bill Clinton walked into Christina Aguilera concert
–– So did they after realizing she wasn’t Kenny G.

Debra Messing Would Ride An Elevator With Trump Over Susan Sarandon
–– Piggyback on his shoulders?

Girl dubbed 'Queen of Sweden' after drawing ancient sword from lake
–– And Arthurina by Lady in Lake.

Mattress Firm files for bankruptcy and will close up to 700 stores
–– Sagged.

Paul Feig Launches Female Director Incubator
–– And writers womb.

Will Vinton, Oscar-Winning Legend of Claymation, Dies at 70
–– Stops motion.

California Man, 90, Accused of Killing Stepdaughter After Her Fitbit Implicates Him in Crime
–– Beat's the rap.

Trump Engaged in Suspect Tax Schemes as He Reaped Riches From His Father
–– Like father like scum.

Trump shrugs off report revealing a fortune in tax dodges, parental gifts
–– While taking credit for being 'really, really smart for not paying you-know-what.'

Trump responds to Times tax bombshell: '97% of their stories on me are bad'
–– 'Other 3% fake.'

Ted Cruz's Houston Office Evacuated After 2 People Exposed To 'White Powdery Substance’
–– Realized it was his dandruff.

Putin brands poisoned spy Skripal a 'traitor' and 'scumbag'
–– And 'skriwball.'

Putin Says He Doesn’t Think Trump Is ‘Compromised’ as President
–– Believes warranty is still good.

American Airlines flight diverted after passenger refuses to stop doing pull-ups on overhead compartment
–– Passengers diverted, crew not amused.

Despite objection, Congress passes bill that lets U.S. authorities shoot down private drones
–– Making Amazon Prime deliveries to Democrats.

Amazon bumps minumum wage to $15 amid tight labor
–– Bezos delivers message in drone.

Dutch Christmas character Black Pete to ditch blackface on TV
–– And Adidas Yeezy Boost clogs.

A booby-trapped wheelchair shot an FBI agent at a house rigged to ambush intruders
–– Can't stand when that happens.

More than 250 people around the world have died taking selfies since 2011
–– In photo finish.

Texas water resort closed, tested for 'brain-eating amoeba' after man's death
–– By floating ideas.

‘Giant thunderclap' dinosaur discovered
–– Ate too many legumes.

Cubs’ Once Rising Dynasty at Risk After Massive 2018 Letdown
–– Chi of goal.

Jason Kander Withdraws From Kansas City Mayoral Race, Citing PTSD
–– Kander and ebb.

Pope Francis’ Once-Soaring Popularity Has Dropped Dramatically, New Poll Says
–– Jesus interviewing other Vicars.

Trump reportedly directed Michael Cohen, Eric Trump to keep Stormy Daniels from talking to the media
–– And they did typical exemplary job.

Humanoid construction robot installs drywall by itself
–– On detention cell for humans.

Amal Clooney Looked Chic and Sophisticated in an Orange Dress While Speaking at the UN
–– About something or other.

Indonesia Didn't Install a Cutting-Edge Tsunami Warning System Because of Dispute Over $69,000 Cost
–– Afraid they were getting soaked.

Ryder Cup spectator 'loses sight' after golf ball strike
–– Not of potential big settlement.

Suicides Get Taxi Drivers Talking: ‘I’m Going to Be One of Them’
–– Hacked to death.

Melania Trump goes solo on first trip to Africa
–– Husband stays home fast-forwards through Black Panther.

First Lady Melania Trump Goes Solo in Africa. But What's She Actually Up To?
–– Getting as far away from husband as possible.

Melania Trump Mourns Elephant Deaths As Her Husband Lets People Import Tusks As Trophies
–– Agony and ivory.

LAX airport to allow marijuana in carry-ons
–– In overhead Wack!

I.R.S. Tax Fraud Cases Plummet After Budget Cuts
–– There audit be a law.

Trump’s new trade deal is just NAFTA 'with some bells and whistles,' analysts say
–– Wilbur Ross: ‘And maracas and reindeer bells.’

Papa John’s Schnatter Didn’t Want Public Fight Over Board Seat
–– Which he smeared with pizza grease.

Trump jokes 'can you imagine' if I drank?
–– Same unhinged behavior with sloppy apologies.

Charles Aznavour, French-Armenian Singer-Songwriter-Actor, Dies at 94
–– A votre chanté!

Someone Told Lady Gaga to Get a Nose Job—and She Shut It Down
–– Blew them off.

Cardi B Turns Herself In to Police Over Strip-Club Fight
–– Should've been Cardied at door.

Meghan Markle's half-sister Samantha apologises to the Duchess of Sussex on Jeremy Vine
–– Defunct British short-form video host.

John Putnam, the Melville of the South Street Seaport, Dies at 82
–– Call him fishmeal.

California has a new law: No more all-male boards
–– Broad certified.

As a teen, Kavanaugh was never a legal drinker in Maryland
–– Illegal drunk, yes.

Brett Kavanaugh Mentioned Beer 30 Times During the Senate Hearing. But Why?
–– Auditioning for Bud spokesman in case nom fails.

Report: Texts Suggest Kavanaugh Asked Pal to Defend Him Before New Yorker Story
–– Graham: 'The man's clairvoyant and these Democrats want to destroy his gift!'

I Told Sen. Lindsey Graham I’d Been Raped. His Response Was Telling.
–– Everybody.

Brett Kavanaugh Was Questioned by Police for Bar Fight After UB40 Concert
–– UB kidding!

Kavanaugh friend Chris Dudley was arrested in 1985 bar incident, police report shows
–– And not just for excessive dribbling.

White House says not 'micromanaging' FBI probe of Kavanaugh
–– More ‘macro’.

Democrats Denounce Limits on F.B.I.’s Kavanaugh Inquiry as a ‘Farce’
–– Called Inspector Clouseau out of retirement.

Feinstein: White House May Have Blocked FBI From Doing Its Job
–– Naw, agents always wear ankle monitors, blindfolds in field.

Christine Blasey Ford's attorneys to FBI: 'It is inconceivable' to investigate without speaking to her
–– Conceive away.

‘Reasonable Prosecutor’ Wouldn’t Bring Charges From Kavanaugh Hearing, Mitchell Says
–– After demanding investigators hide findings from her.

Flake says if FBI investigation finds Kavanaugh lied, nomination is over
–– These clowns couldn't find needle in etui.

France Investigates Reports Interpol President Is Missing in China
–– Trump offers limited FBI help to verify name.

Amid Kavanaugh questions, Trump says it's not 'acceptable' to lie to Congress
–– In latest slang for illegal.

Brett Kavanaugh: Only 31% of US voters believe Supreme Court nominee over sex assault allegations
–– That’s not even all morons in base.

ACLU Opposes Kavanaugh Nomination In Rare Break From Own Policy
–– Of not publicly acknowledging what everybody already knows.

Lawmaker: Situation 'makes me want to heave'
–– Could join Kavanaugh’s Ralph Club.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino sentenced to eight months in prison
–– What lawmaker said above.

What Has Brett Kavanaugh Done to Us?
–– Report to FBI.

Kavanaugh On How To Be A Good Judge: Keep Emotions 'In Check,' 'Don't Be A Jerk'
–– Do as I say not as I … dude!

Kavanaugh will not teach at Harvard next year
–– Will be awarded emeritus status at Trump U.

Alyssa Milano: We can't let Trump and Kavanaugh be America's face
–– Wasn’t face they were flashing.

Yale roommate says Kavanaugh lied under oath about drinking and yearbook
–– Elied.

French photographer in Nobel rape scandal sentenced to prison
–– Ignobel.

Tesla stock roars back after Elon Musk's SEC deal
–– Ya gotta love high, unhinged con man.

Kanye West stirs more outrage with 13th Amendment, slavery tweets
–– We heartily knew Ye.

Fox News' Candace Owens calls Kanye West 'one of the bravest men in America right now'
–– Has courage of his addictions.

Lana Del Rey Calls Out Kanye West: 'Your Support of Donald Trump Is a Loss for the Culture'
–– In yogurt?

Donald Trump blasts Saturday Night Live after Matt Damon's Brett Kavanaugh skit and Kanye West rant
–– Sketchy tweets.

US Secretary of Defense Mattis cancels trip to Beijing amid worsening ties
–– Latest double knot with image of dragon choking deemed offensive.

BlackBerry's comeback continues
–– Partying like it’s 1999.

The go-between in the Trump Tower meeting offers clue to 'golden shower' claim in dossier
–– Makes splash.

Shark attacks 13-year-old boy near San Diego
–– To keep PG-13 rating.

Trump: Kim Jong Un and I fell in love
— 'My Un and only!'

Rep. Quigley: Trump’s declaration of “love” for Kim not just bizarre, but dangerous
–– Who knows what STDs he’s carrying.

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