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THUMB THING WICKED
Week of 08/31/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

President Trump Denies He Missed a Chance to Unite the Country by Honoring John McCain
–– 'Now nation knows how it feels to be treated like MIA.'

Prince Harry sings, stuns 'Hamilton' cast
–– Bodyguards carry tasers.

Trump Balks at Half-Staff Flag Tradition for McCain, Observers Outraged
–– Poles sink.

Trump Relents Under Pressure, Offering ‘Respect’ to McCain
–– Tiny dose he’d been saving for Aretha.

Republican Senator: McCain ‘Partially to Blame’ for Trump Flag Dispute
–– His fault his integrity made Trump look so small.

Former President George W. Bush 'honored' to eulogize John McCain
–– Though did pronounce it ’eugoogoolize’.

McCain's final statement: Americans have 'more in common'
–– ‘Than with Martians.’

Vietnamese pay tribute to Sen. John McCain
–– Happy Hour at Hanoi Hilton.

Sarah Palin isn't invited to John McCain's memorial services
–– Didn't need appall bearer.

The 'thumbs down' health care vote that enraged Trump is John McCain's lasting legacy
–– Go finger.

Coen Brothers Say Their Netflix Western 'Ballad of Buster Scruggs' Will Get Theatrical Release
–– Unless streaming service pulls Scruggs out from under them.

Could Orson Welles Compete for an Oscar One Last Time?
–– He Kane.

Texas judge says he'll likely kill DACA -- but not yet
–– Trump: ‘Why not the freeloaders using it?’

New York Alt-Weekly The Village Voice Is Ceasing Publication
–– Vox pox.

Donald Trump Totally Misses The Mark With Most Patient Person In The World Boast
–– Patience zero.

Bruce Ohr Was Told Russia Had ‘Trump Over A Barrel’: Report
–– Filled with monkeys.

LeBron James Admits He Had to Adjust to Being Around White People
–– White people: ‘You’re 6’ 8”: same here.’

David Stockman Calls Trump A 'Complete Ignoramus' On Fiscal Policy
–– Or Cro-magnon calls out ‘Neanderthal.’

Reports: Yankees to acquire Giants OF McCutchen
–– Yank crank on deal.

‘Best PR I've had in a while': Elon Musk celebrates that Steve Bannon called him 'an immature man child'
–– Got that right. Both of them.

Man has arm amputated days after contracting flesh-eating bacteria from sushi
–– Will be used for bait for flesh-eating sharks.

Trump: Well Over Half of Women Want President to Be Impeached, Says Poll
–– The rest just neutered.

A Blimp Resembling a Bikini-Clad Sadiq Khan Will Be Allowed to Fly Over London
–– Two-piece or not two-piece?

The maker of the AK-47 wants to sell electric cars
–– Watch out when they backfire.

Ronan Farrow’s Ex-Producer Says NBC Impeded Weinstein Reporting
–– Pee cock network.

Aretha Franklin honored with regal funeral worthy of 'Queen of Soul'
–– Souled out.

Pink Cadillacs to line Detroit's streets in honor of Aretha Franklin
–– Chain of fuels.

Aretha Franklin Dressed in Rose Gold on Third Day of Public Viewing
–– Costume change for fans who attended earlier shows.

Bill Clinton, Ariana Grande, and Stevie Wonder among mourners gathering for Aretha Franklin's funeral
–– WH reconsidered sending Stephen Miller.

Lobbyist reaches plea deal connected to Russia and Ukraine work
–– Another witch bites dust.

‘Winter is coming’: Allies fear Trump isn’t prepared for gathering legal storm
–– But Whitewalkers voted for him.

Trump cancels pay raises for federal employees
–– How to earn loyalty in one easy lesson.

Republicans privately pleading with Trump: Don't fire Sessions yet
–– Enjoying public humiliation too much.

Scaramucci: Trump 'would have a nightmare on his hands' if he fired Sessions
–– Would move from head to hands?

President Trump Says Attorney General Jeff Sessions' Job Is Safe at Least Until Midterms
–– Relief like virgin mint julep on hottest day in Hell.

Justice Department sides with Asian-Americans suing Harvard over admissions policy
–– Based on precedent: heads you win, tails you black.

Starbucks is quietly testing out healthier Frappuccino recipes
–– Diabetes issues official complaint.

The Long, Monstrous Reign of the Red Delicious Apple Is Ending
–– Met Gala.

The soft power impact of Ruth Bader Ginsburg's decorative collars
–– And how they keep lunch off robes.

Google won't send its CEO to testify, so senators may hold a hearing with an empty chair
–– Which has same level of tech savvy as them.

British fisherman call on Navy to protect them from aggressive French rivals in 'Scallop Wars'
–– After getting shelled.

How it all went wrong at JCPenney
–– Penney wise pound foolish.

China Search Engine Baidu Sues Comedian For Online Joke
–– Company needs to Google 'sense of humor'.

Donald Trump Tweets Complaint About Alleged Google Search Bias: “They Have It RIGGED”
–– Demands House subpoena algorithm.

‘You’re the enemy of the people,' man allegedly said in threat to Boston Globe
–– 'With poor reading skills.'

Quentin Tarantino Finds His Charles Manson for Once Upon a Time in Hollywood
–– His inner Charley.

Rafal Zawierucha is Roman Polanski in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood
–– Little man Tate.

Miranda Lambert's Ex Evan Felker Postpones Band's Shows Due to 'Inability to Pass a Kidney Stone'
–– Wouldn’t get out of left lane.

Why Woman Says She Didn’t Take Dr. Phil’s Advice
–– Did you ever listen to that clown?

Woman convicted of using acid and alligators to hide a dead body
–– Alligators on acid might’ve worked.

Lawyer tries Trump argument that flippers should be outlawed
–– Drowns scuba diving.

Facebook pulls post by Anne Frank Center after seeing only nudity in a photo of the Holocaust
–– Didn’t want to turn on Nazis.

Trump, without evidence, blames China for hacking Clinton emails
–– 'Without Evidence' newest official title after Commander-in-Chief.

FBI official disputes Trump's claim that Hillary Clinton server hacked by China
–– And reiterates pizza parlor kiddie porn ring 'highly unlikely'.

QAnon-believing 'conspiracy analyst' meets Trump in the White House
–– Should visit Al-Anon.

Trump stands by warning of 'violence' if Dems win midterms
–– In Oval Office, at least.

National Enquirer Had Decades of Trump Dirt. He Wanted to Buy It All.
–– As long as his name in headline.

White House Counsel Don McGahn to Step Down, Trump Confirms
–– How much further down can he go?

President Trump Says Daughter Ivanka Had Nothing to Do With White House Counsel's Exit
–– Chuck McGahn.

Trump says top lawyer departure sign of 'smooth-running' White House
–– Skids greased for downhill.

Florida’s GOP gubernatorial nominee says a vote for his black opponent would 'monkey this up'
–– They're off to the racists.

Woody Allen Reportedly Taking A Break From Filmmaking For The First Time In Decades
–– #TimesOff.

China Declared Islam a Contagious Disease – and Quarantined 1 Million Muslims
–– Open wide and say 'Allah!'

Beijing rejects Trump's claims that China is behind fentanyl crisis
–– Asks if US has cure for Muslims.

Hurricane Maria killed 2,975 people in Puerto Rico. It's the second deadliest US storm in over a century.
–– Probably coulda used more paper towels.

People Have Mixed Feelings About Meghan Markle and Prince Harry's Wax Figures
–– Can't hold a candle?

Matt Lauer and Annette Roque Seen Together Amid Reported $20 Million Divorce Settlement
–– He was granted visitation rights to former fortune.

Money and loyalty were the glue that bound Trump and Cohen
–– And that sticky stuff they both sweat.

Orrin Hatch thinks it’s amazing Donald Trump is as virtuous as he is (because: New York)
–– He's in a New York state of slimed.

Laurene Powell Jobs is pushing back against a new book by her stepdaughter that makes Steve Jobs look awful
–– Insists he never 'pushed back'.

Steve Jobs' Daughter Claims Her Dad Said She Smelled Like a 'Toilet,' and His Widow Pushes Back
–– ‘That's absurd –– we always had her garglng with Scrubbing Bubbles.'

Tibbetts’ father: Hispanic locals 'Iowans with better food'
–– Music, hair, wheels.

In Defending Trump, Is Giuliani a Shrewd Tactician or ‘Untethered’?
–– Or ‘grimly entertaining’?

Louis C.K. Performs Stand-Up Set at Club Since Admitting to #MeToo Cases
–– C.K. teaser.

Comedy Cellar Owner Says He Was Blindsided by Louis C.K. Stand-Up Set
–– Like he just whipped it out.

Neil Simon, Broadway Master of Comedy, Is Dead at 91
–– Doc-in-a-box.

Gay Cubs owner OK’d Daniel Murphy trade despite his history of anti-LGBT comments
–– Didn’t queer deal.

This photo of President Trump coloring an American flag has people asking if he knows what the flag looks like
–– Tends to close eyes when humping.

ISIS leader in Afghanistan killed in airstrike, US says
–– Again.

The Vatican knew of a cover-up involving abusive priests, Pennsylvania AG says
–– Ill Papa.

Pope Francis Faces Lukewarm Reception in Ireland After Meeting Sex Abuse Victims
–– Like day-old pitcher o’ Guinness.

For Catholic parents, choosing to raise kids in a church marred by sex abuse is a 'painful thing'
–– Wipes smile off faith.

Why Ethiopians believe their new prime minister is a prophet
–– Besides naivete?

Former staffer: Pecker could turn on Trump
–– Slap him in face.

Mass shooting at 'Madden' esports tournament reported in Jacksonville
–– 'Madden' as hell.

Arizona candidate groused about McCain family before he died
–– They really could've announced death after primary.

Hillary Clinton lauds John McCain as 'a patriot regardless of party'
–– 'Like Bill at a hookers' get-together.'

Former President Obama Praises Sen. John McCain for Showing the World What 'Courage' Means
–– And Trump for making contrast so stark.

Fox News Analyst Calls Out Donald Trump Over Bland John McCain Condolences Tweet
–– Pot calling kettle white.

As much as John McCain deplored Donald Trump, he opened the can of worms that led to his presidency
–– Can labeled ‘Sarah’.

Kyle Pavone, vocalist for We Came as Romans, dies at 28
–– He went on shield.


PECKER'S BAD BOY
Week of 08/24/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

National Enquirer boss David Pecker gets federal immunity in Michael Cohen case
–– Feds don’t dick around.

Rudy Giuliani says 'truth isn't truth'
–– But liar is liar.

“Holy Shit, I Thought Pecker Would be the Last One to Turn”: Trump’s National Enquirer Allies are the Latest to Defect
–– Pecker soft.

Farrow: Pecker identified Trump stories to kill
–– Hard news.

National Enquirer’s Safe Reportedly Held Damaging Trump Stories
–– And Pecker’s lube.

Accused Russian spy Maria Butina asks for house arrest
–– Fingers Colonial.

Maria Butina Did Not Use Sex in Covert Russian Plan, Her Lawyers Say
–– Did not shake Butina?

New Ryanair rules mean only the smallest bags fly free
–– Diminutive old ladies happy.

Man survives shark attack only to contract severe flesh-eating skin infection
–– Cured of infection, he catches rockin's pneumonoia, boogie-woogie flu.

Majority-Black Georgia County Rejects Plan To Close Nearly All Its Polling Places
–– The ballot or the bullshit.

Saudi Arabia Poised to Put a Female Activist to Death For the First Time
–– Part of Sheikh Salman’s diversity outreach program.

Inside Jimmy Carter's Modest Life: Paper-Plate Dinners, a Murphy Bed and a $167K Georgia Rancher
–– Always lived for peanuts.

Jim Parsons Speaks Out Following Reports He Is the Reason 'Big Bang Theory' Is Ending
–– Shel shock.

Donald Trump orders Secretary of State Mike Pompeo to ‘closely study’ South Africa farm seizures
–– Forwards FOX News TV schedule.

John McCain Discontinuing Treatment for Brain Cancer
–– Should Trump begin?

Mandela’s grandson: Trump tweet about South Africa shows ‘total ignorance of reality’
–– Hint was in 'Trump tweet.'

Robin Leach, 'Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous' Host, Dies at 76
–– Will leech no more.

Top Trump Organization official Weisselberg granted immunity in Cohen investigation
–– Rat race is on.

How McDonald's solved its Happy Meal problem
–– Sadly.

Humpback whale surprises group of watchers
–– With complimentary tray of krill.

Olivia de Havilland, Now 102, Will Take 'Feud' to Supreme Court
–– On mobility scooter.

Never before seen Amazon tribe caught on drone video
–– Drone with spear in it.

Trump says longstanding legal practice of flipping 'almost ought to be illegal'
–– Isn’t telling truth already illegal?

Trump says impeachment would crash the market. Really?
–– A. Crap. B. Worth it.

Trump Says He Doesn’t Know How Congress Could Impeach Someone ‘Who Has Done a Great Job’
–– ‘Or me.’

Giuliani: If Trump were impeached 'the American people would revolt'
–– Which you wouldn’t notice with all the celebrating.

Trump airs grievances with Jeff Sessions over Mueller investigation, explaining he hired him for his loyalty
–– Thought it was for fun-size dimensions.

Trump on Sessions: What kind of man is he?
–– Surprisingly, only 80% weasel.

Sessions fires back at Trump, vowing to keep politics out of DOJ
–– Hobbit vs. Orc.

Graham hints that Trump may oust Sessions 'sooner rather than later'
–– And return to Shire.

Trump says Mollie Tibbetts' family 'separated' from the slain student
–– Like him from reality.

Jeff Bezos Banned PowerPoint Presentations At Amazon Meetings. Here's What Replaced Them
–– AmazonPoint presentations that worked 40% of time, but arrived same day.

Pompeo names special representative, announces fourth trip to North Korea
–– Might defect.

NSA leaker Reality Winner sentenced to 63 months in prison
–– In reality, loser.

Tucker Carlson guest Alan Dershowitz compares Michael Cohen’s campaign finance charge to jaywalking
–– As big rig of history totals professor stepping off curb.

Cohen, Trump’s Ex-Lawyer, Investigated for Bank Fraud in Excess of $20 Million
–– Dershowitz compares to passing Candian penny.

GOP offers muted response after jury convicts Manafort and Cohen pleads guilty
–– Mouths full of Trump.

In ‘Small Fry,’ Steve Jobs Comes Across as a Jerk. His Daughter Forgives Him. Should We?
–– Don’t keep him in suspense.

Steve Jobs' wife told his daughter 'we're just cold people' when she asked them to say good night to her
–– Created iPad so they could celebrate her birthday on FaceTime.

Betsy DeVos Is Said to Weigh Letting School Districts Use Federal Funds to Buy Guns
–– She never was quick on trigger.

Jim Brown on Donald Trump: 'I Find Myself Really Pulling for the President'
–– How tight is this end?

Country music singer Gretchen Wilson busted at Connecticut Airport
–– Proving critics wrong who said she couldn’t get arrested.

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi purportedly releases message saying ISIS losses are test from Allah
–– Asks if anyone has answer key.

Madonna Addresses VMAs Backlash: 'I Did Not Intend to Do a Tribute' to Aretha Franklin — Read Her Response
–– ‘Although being a footnote in my anecdote at VMAs might have been her greatest honor.’

Aretha Franklin had no will or trust at the time of her death, report says
–– But tons of respect.

Woman killed in alligator attack was trying to save her dog
–– Lucky dog on petfinder.com looking for new owner.

Drunk man takes a taxi to his parents' house, falls asleep on the couch only to realize his parents don't live there anymore
–– Current residents after he leaves: ‘He’s a good boy, but he never calls.’

Samantha Bee: Michelle Wolf and Robin Thede Cancellations ‘Very Disheartening’
–– She, three other viewers, agree.

In a Victory for PETA, Animal Crackers Roam Free
–– Cookie mauls infant.

Woman Running For Congress In Alaska Has Never Been To Alaska
–– Which speaks well of judgment.

Lamar Odom Says He Had 12 Strokes, 6 Heart Attacks During 2015 Coma
–– Deserves ticker-tape parade.

Manafort convicted on 8 counts; mistrial declared on 10 others
–– Eight is enough.

Trump Praises Manafort, Saying ‘Unlike Michael Cohen’ He ‘Refused to Break’
–– Heroes deny their crimes, show loyalty to capo.

Trump is considering a pardon for Paul Manafort, according to Fox & Friends host Ainsley Earhardt
–– To err is human, to forgive malign.

Michael Cohen Says Trump Ordered Him To Illegally Interfere In Election
–– Takes bullet for president, loads in gun, shoots him.

Michael Cohen Says He Arranged Payments to Women at Trump’s Direction
–– Melania: ‘Why no me?’

Trump ‘Strongly Suggests’ Anyone Needing a Lawyer Pass on Cohen
–– Including him?

Sen. Richard Blumenthal: 'We are in a Watergate moment'
–– ‘And I fell impeachy-keen.'

Rep. Duncan Hunter and his wife indicted in use of campaign funds for personal expenses
–– Wasn't bargain Hunter.

Indicted Rep. Duncan Hunter: My wife handled my finances
–– Though he did lease bus he threw her under.

Trump Says Hispanic-American Border Patrol Agent ‘Speaks Perfect English’
–– ‘And I can’t even smell beans on him.’

Jon Stewart Comes to Aid of Goats Found on Subway Tracks
–– Butt of joke?

‘The Meg' Feels Refreshingly Unpretentious
–– In latest slang for stupid.

The Eagles’ Greatest Hits Surpasses Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’ as Best-Selling Album
–– Lebowski wept.

Ex-Nazi Guard in U.S., Now 95, Is Deported to Germany
–– Protests that he's being separated from 'his people' in Queens.

Australia Wilts From Climate Change. Why Can’t Its Politicians Act?
–– Because Republicans not only morons in world.

Scott Morrison wins leadership spill; Malcolm Turnbull takes parting shot at Abbott and Dutton in final speech
–– Oz-some.

Trump defender Michael Mukasey grimaces on CNN at Trump's 'zany' claim he can 'run' the Mueller probe
–– Like he was about to be water-boarded.

A DNA site helped a man find his birth mother after he was left in a phone booth 64 years ago
–– Would’ve been sooner, but he only emerged last week.

Poll: Most Americans think Trump doesn't 'hire the best people'
–– Trick question: are they even people?

Cruise passenger rescued after 10 hours at sea branded a 'stupid woman' who 'jumped from ship'
–– Let that sink in.

Gretchen Rossi and Slade Smiley 'so honored' Sacha Baron Cohen 'thought to prank' them
–– And ever heard of them.

Police officer who breastfed crying baby in a hospital is hailed a hero
–– Although some suggest he should hit gym.

Republican House candidate who says she was abducted by aliens and communicates with extraterrestrials wins big endorsement
–– Trump eyes as Space Force spokesperson.

Trump tweets he has "nothing to hide" in Russia probe
–– Collusion, obstruction in plain sight.

EPA rolls back Obama-era coal pollution rules as Trump heads to West Virginia
–– Where he will belch soot.

Coal miner: Trump's 'false promises' will 'only line the pockets' of executives
–– Will line miner's X-mas stockings with coal.

As Trump Dismantles Clean Air Rules, an Industry Lawyer Delivers for Ex-Clients
–– Definition of dirty.

Kevin Spacey movie earns only $126 on day 1
–– Spacey to patrons: 'Dig deeper in pockets or I will.'

Johnny Depp Says He Punched Film Crew Member in Self-Defense
–– Thought he was trying to pry wine bottle from hand.

Woman killed in apparent alligator attack in South Carolina
–– Lived in gatored community.

PepsiCo is buying SodaStream for $3.2 billion
–– Gimme seltzer.

Twitter CEO: 'I haven't done enough' to be transparent
–– But everyone sees through you.

‘I shouldn't have worn the green shirt': Mom finds out that schools use greenscreens for class photos after it's too late
–– Voted Most Likely to Recede.

Greece is finally done with its epic bailout binge
–– Everyone gets a stuffed olive!

John Dean responds to Trump's 'RAT' tweet
–– Has gnawing doubts.

Winona Ryder Thinks She and Keanu Reeves Got Married for Real While Filming ‘Dracula’
–– And is deathly afraid of repeating ‘Beetlejuice’ three times.

Charlie Rose Alleged to Be Dodging Sexual Harassment Lawsuit
–– Flashing Lady Justice.

#MeToo Founder On Asia Argento Revelations: “There Is No One Way To Be A Perpetrator”
–– Can embrace victim and diversity.

Asia Argento Denies Alleged Sexual Assault, Says Anthony Bourdain Paid Off Accuser
–– He did not dispute allegation.

Alyssa Milano Says #MeToo Movement is "Alive and Swelling" After Asia Argento Allegations
–– Wanna try a less tumid metaphor?

Hills Revival Eyed at MTV?
–– Hills have ayes?

‘Your faith is shaken.' Pittsburgh Catholics react to report detailing sexual abuse by clergy
–– Piety-in-the-face prank.

‘Just like Superman.’ Father punches ex-youth pastor in child video case, cops say
–– Facing Mister Mxyzpedo.

Elon Musk, in a 2:30 am tweet, tells Arianna Huffington he can't slow down
–– He’s self-driven, heading for median.

How much trouble is Elon Musk in?
–– Can rehab be far behind?

Brett Kavanaugh’s explicit Clinton memo shows how much he despised a president accused of behaving badly
–– And wanted to shove down court’s throat.

Brett Kavanaugh was concerned with his Federalist Society membership in 2001, emails show
–– Torquemada-of-the-Year award from Spanish Inquisition Society returned.

Michael Hayden says he, too, would be honored if Trump revoked his security clearance
–– Trump Enemies List hotter than Fortune 500.

McGahn, White House Counsel, Has Cooperated Extensively in Mueller Inquiry
–– Held bake sale, printed up tees.

Trump Lawyers’ Sudden Realization: They Don’t Know What Don McGahn Told Mueller’s Team
–– Or understand what Trump is talking about.

Trump compares Mueller probe to McCarthyism
–– His comments like Snerdism.

Johnson: Brennan didn't misuse security clearance, but abused privilege
–– Freedom of speech demands presidential approval.

Kofi Annan, Who Redefined the U.N., Dies at 80
–– Kofi to go.

Kevin Stadler Breaks Club, Accidentally Hits Fan in Head; 6 Stitches Required
–– Promised he wood iron out.

Bharara rejects Maher's 'traitor' remarks
–– Preety timid.

Al Sharpton Misspells "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" During MSNBC Segment
–– Name isn’t Sharp-one.

Bethenny Frankel Boyfriend’s Last Words Help Explain Trump Tower Death
–– ‘Bethenny Frankel.’


CLEARANCE FAIL
Week of 08/17/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

White House Revokes Ex-CIA Director John Brennan’s Security Clearance
–– And short sheets bed.

Eco-friendly open-air urinals cause uproar in Paris
–– Ew-la-la.

60 ex-CIA members condemn Trump for revoking Brennan’s security clearance
–– What list names, but would have to kill you.

Trump reportedly plans to strip more security clearances to distract from the news cycle
–– And extend new ones to anyone who will tattoo his name on forehead.

Architect of bin Laden raid issues stunning rebuke
–– ‘Trump should relocate offices to compound in Abbottabad.’

Aretha Franklin, the Queen of Soul, has died
–– Lay Aretha on grave.

Aretha Franklin ‘worked for me’ claims Trump. Did she?
–– Can’t even r-e-s-p-e-c-t the dead.

Trump Cancels Military Parade Blaming Washington Officials for Inflating Costs
–– Markup on solid-gold orb and scepter ‘outrageous.’

President Trump asks SEC to study earnings reports
–– Brags about most ‘transparent swamp ever.’

Head of Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs Will Host a Trump Fundraiser
–– And shit-eating contest.

Police use Taser on 87-year-old
–– Defibrillator on fritz?

Elon Musk: This has been the most painful year of my career
–– Self-made, man.

First generic EpiPen getsFDA approval
–– Can only sign ‘John Doe.’

Masterpiece Cakeshop owner sues Colorado governor, claiming religious 'persecution'
–– Nuttier than any fruitcake.

Meania Trump, a Mysterious First Lady, Weathers a Chaotic White House
–– Mysterious or unintelligible?

Pinterest Moms Share Parfait Recipes Next to QAnon Memes
–– Using vanilla ice cream, white chocolate, marshmallows, whipped cream.

Nearly $500K disappeared from school cafeterias. Officials say the lunch ladies did it
–– Stockings filled with quarters.

WWII cash hoard found under floor of Churchill's tailor
–– 100 quid found in cigar maker’s humidor.

Report: Kobe Bryant's $6M Investment in BodyArmor Sports Drink Now Worth $200M
–– Talk about pricey Kobe stake.

NY Gov. Andrew Cuomo says America 'was never that great'
–– New slogan: Make America Meh Again.

A contact lens was embedded in woman's eyelid for 28 years
–– Blinkin’ awful!

’Shooter’ Canceled After Three Seasons at USA Network
–– Shot.

Hungary’s Leader Was Shunned by Obama, but Has a Friend in Trump
–– Hungary for approval.

Catholic Priests Abused 1,000 Children in Pennsylvania, Report Says
–– Vatican considers E-ZPass lanes for confessional booths.

Letters Pour In Supporting Couple Whose Trailer May Have Sparked Carr Fire
–– Thinking it refers to one vehicle, not 225,000 acres.

Melanie Griffith Says It Was 'Scary' Having Cancer Removed from Her Nose: I 'Depend' on My Face
–– Hopes to have 'human expression procedure' on it soon.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Admits Mistake On Obama's Black Employment Numbers
–– Would be quicker to list non-lies in presser.

Omarosa Says Trump "Truly is a Racist
–– Earned his black belt.

Trump Calls Omarosa a ‘Lowlife’ in Response to Book Claims
–– An insult even from ’lowest life.’

Omarosa Manigault Newman Taped Her Firing by John Kelly
–– Just needs laugh track.

Trump calls Omarosa 'wacky' and 'vicious' after she unveils new audio tape of president
–– Recalling why he fell in love with her in first place.

Omarosa Releases New Tape Of Trump Appearing Unaware She Was Fired
–– Like every other tape of Trump unaware of something.

Trump calls Omarosa a 'dog' in latest attack on ex-aide
–– Using his whistle?

Omarosa Says Trump Staff “Was Gettin’ it On in the White House”: Hope Hicks? “She was the big one”
–– Hickseys everywhere.

Trump Claims N-Word Tapes Don't Exist, Cites Mark Burnett
–– Who said ‘burn it.’

Penn Jillette claims Trump said 'racially insensitive' comments during 'Celebrity Apprentice’
–– Teller had no comment.

Conway struggles to name top-ranking black official in White House
–– Wishes they had just hired someone named Blackman.

White House Won’t Guarantee No Tape Of Donald Trump Using N-Word, Says Calling Omarosa “Dog” Not Racial
–– ‘Naw, ‘at’s old school sexist so it ain’t so bad.’

Omarosa Says She's "Not Trolling" the Trump Administration With Secret Recordings
–– Though they can’t cross bridge without paying her.

Omarosa claims ex-Trump aides' silence costs $15,000. Here's what campaign records show
–– Was to hush buppies.

Actress Sean Young returns laptops she was accused of stealing
–– Swears ‘Omarosa made me do it.’

NBC’s Emmys Host Rips Awards Shows: "It's Adults Getting Trophies"
–– Keeps his where sun don’t shine.

“We Have to Stay Relevant": Academy Members Split Over New 'Popular' Oscar Plan
–– Telegram from Actors Fund Home: ‘Oh, but you silly dears are.’

Jerry Seinfeld Weighs in on James Gunn Situation: "If They’re Jokes, It Doesn’t Matter"
–– If you can’t tell, it might.

South Korea is banning thousands of BMWs after engine fires
–– Expect to send to North as housewarming gift.

Navy busts boat with 2 tons of alleged cocaine
–– On high seas.

GOP lawmaker's son blasts father's role in Strzok saga, wants to flip his seat
–– With him in it.

Trump signs McCain defense measure, doesn't thank McCain
–– Speech not vetted.

Papa John sues Papa John's
–– Told to ‘go sue yourself.’

Why did 2 of Trump's aides feel the need to record him?
–– Lips do lie.

Kanye West Says He Was 'Thinking,' Not 'Stumped' By Kimmel's Trump Question
–– Yeah, right, like chopped-down tree.

Mark Hamill Reveals The Horrible Acting Advice He Gave Schwarzenegger
–– Which might explain his horrible acting.

Trump joked he could play matchmaker for India's prime minister, report says
–– By emailing slavicwives.com link.

Trump called Nepal “nipple” in a prep session before meeting with India’s prime minister, report says
–– Was thinking of ‘those big, beautiful Him-a-layin’ mountains.’

The Paris Gay Games in Pictures: ‘The Atmosphere Is Really Electric’
–- Particularly for nipple rings attached to batteries.

Antifa’s violent confrontations with police, journalists mar otherwise peaceful rally counterprotesters
–– Where does Fox News stand on Profa?

Indiana man accused of murdering, eating dead ex-girlfriend deemed competent for trial
–– And ‘hungry for justice.’

Baltimore police officer caught on camera punching civilian on sidewalk resigns
–– Hits the pavement.

Mom detained in Dubai after drinking complimentary glass of wine on Emirates flight
–– Emirate, amirite?

In a Town of 11 People, Mysterious Disappearance Turns Neighbor Against Neighbor
–– So make that town of 10, or of 12 minus 1?

He left her tied to a bed while he killed 26 people. But the widow of the Sutherland Springs church shooter says she will always love him
–– He used her heartstrings.

Elite New York High Schools to Offer 1 in 5 Slots to Those Below Cutoff
–– Because nation just not dumb enough yet.

How Lake Bell Became Marijuana's "Unlikely" New Superstar
–– Tokin’ female.

Chris Hardwick Gets Emotional on 'Talking Dead' Return Following Abuse Claims
–– Can now identify with being walking dead.

FBI fires agent Peter Strzok, who sent anti-Trump texts
–– Strzok down.

University says a Florida candidate who claims to be an alum never graduated, and the diploma in her photo is not accurate
–– In Florida why would Republican want to identify as college graduate?

Retroactive Abortion? Nebraska Gov. Pete Ricketts, a Catholic, Resurrects Death Penalty
–– Go back in time machine and dissuade Mama Ricketts?

Stephen Miller’s Uncle Blasts Him As ‘Immigration Hypocrite’
–– Uncle himself not a monkey.

William & Mary Rescinds Bill Cosby’s Honorary Degree
–– Was Mary’s idea.

Brazilian Butt Lifts Are Resulting In An Alarmingly High Mortality Rate
–– Is that even a thong?

Trump’s Supreme Court pick calls Antonin Scalia a 'role model' and a 'judicial hero'
–– For Judge Dredd.

Teen pushed from bridge in viral video speaks
–– ‘Aiiiieeeee!’

Fan Escorted Out After Putting on Pads, Trying to Practice with Steelers
–– HiPads?

U.S. Ambassador Denies Threatening Ecuador Over Breast-Feeding Resolution
–– Tough titty.

Bikers for Trump are getting their pro-Trump shirts made in Haiti because the US is too expensive
–– Charging shitwholesale.

Isaiah Thomas Apologizes for Calling Cleveland a 'S--thole' in Instagram Rant
–– More like shitvalley.

White nationalists dwarfed by crowds of counterprotesters in Washington
–– Appropriate for moral midgets.

Critic’s Notebook: Nicki Minaj’s ‘Queen’ Is a Joyless Mess
–– Or ‘Accurate Self-portrait.’

Sacha Baron Cohen Tricks A Pro-Gun Activist Into Putting A Dong In His Mouth
–– It wasn’t loaded.

Disgraced Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio says he didn’t know what a 'golden shower' was when he told Sacha Baron Cohen it 'wouldn’t surprise' him if Trump had one
–– With real, not sham, poo.

Corey Lewandowski doesn't take Sacha Baron Cohen's bait
–– Mouth already too wormy.

‘The Meg' Doesn't Bite as Hard as It Should
–– Still really really bites.

Trump calls Attorney General Jeff Sessions 'scared stiff and Missing in Action'
–– ‘Like me if I didn’t get multiple deferments.’

Congressman: Noose is tightening around Stone
–– Stones in a sling.

Giuliani: 'There was no conversation' between Trump and Comey on Flynn
–– ‘And obstruction is neither a crime nor an actual word.’


BLACK SLAP MOLASSES
Week of 08/10/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Omarosa claims in new book Trump ‘racist,’ used N-word
–– N* s**t.

An Invasive New Tick Is Spreading in the U.S.
–– Particularly on subways.

Kanye West talks 'love' for Donald Trump until asked about separating immigrant families
–– Then reverts to ‘gobbledygook.’

Omarosa says Trump is a racist who uses N-word – and claims there's tape to prove it
–– Kanye: ‘He’s so hip-hop!’

Laura Ingraham Creates Free Racist Campaign Ad for Republican Candidates Everywhere
–– She should leave that to President.

Wilbur Ross is accused of swindling $120 million from associates and 'could rank among the biggest grifters in American history,' according to a bombshell Forbes report
–– Wilbur the pig.

Burt Britton, a Book Lover if Ever There Was One, Dies at 84
–– Shelved.

Donald Trump Jr.'s 'Mountain Time' Escape Has Everyone Making The Same Joke
–– Mountain of evidence.

Trump attorney Jay Sekulow blames 'bad information' for Trump Tower statement mixup, says no sign Don Jr. under investigation
–– But that could be due to 'worse lawyering.'

Sean Hannity Is Letting Trump's Lawyers Host His Radio Show
–– Contract has inHannity clause.

Nasa package drops out of the sky with bizarre message about Donald Trump written on it
–– 'Take me to your leader. In Moscow.'

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Asks Why U.S. Funds 'Unlimited War' But Not 'Medicare For All'
–– A lot more money in war, duh.

Rand Paul Goes To Russia And Delivers Letter For Trump, Marking Our Era Of Irony
–– SWAK.

Tomi Lahren congratulates first female chief of U.S. Border Patrol on Twitter and asks, 'Where is the feminist applause?'
–– Putting hands together to pray for separated families.

Melania Trump sponsored her parents' green cards, a process the president wants to end
–– Warned them to not get too tan before hearing.

Turkey’s currency drops 9% as Erdogan calls for citizens to convert dollars 'beneath your pillows' to lira
–– ‘We know they are there, we have seen them.’

Vice News journalist on what it's like to be recognized by Nazis
–– Like string-up girl.

WARNING GRAPHIC IMAGE: Shark bites Texas beachgoer, who is rushed to hospital
–– Wish we got to see shark in ambulance.

CNN’s Jim Acosta explains to Stephen Colbert why Trump fans hate the press
–– Unless his head is in it.

Nick Cannon on Hosting Teen Choice Awards: "Nothing's Off Limits"
–– ‘I’m considering human sacrifice after second commercial break.’

Teen Television Consumption Drops by Half in 5 Years: Study
–– Gee, so they’re outside exercising, talking with friends and reading books instead?

Sardinia fines sand thieves up to $3,480
–– Coarse they do.

Inside the NXIVM Sex Cult’s Secret Plot to Take Over Mexico
–– Wanted to rename MIVNX.

New York GOP Rep. Chris Collins arrested on insider trading charges
–– Pharma blo.

Chris Collins Is Just One of the Many Creeps Picnicking on Trump’s Lawn
–– Even the ticks are like ’eww.’

Tribune Media Terminates $3.9 Billion Deal To Be Bought By Sinclair
–– Sinclair looses.

Russia slams "unacceptable" U.S. sanctions, warns of retaliation
–– WH fears trickle of leaks.

Brock Turner loses appeal in sexual assault case
–– Court won’t travel outer course.

Jerry Jones Says He's 'So Proud' of Dak Prescott's Stance on Anthem Protests
–– Ride ‘im, Cowboy.

Richard Jarecki, Doctor Who Conquered Roulette, Dies at 86
–– Spins out.

A 9-year-old North Carolina boy was robbed at gunpoint at his lemonade stand
–– If only he’d had own AK-47!

’End Family Fire’ Campaign Hopes to Combat Accidental Child Gun Deaths
–– Cautions against lemonade stands.

11-Year-Old Stunned With Taser by Ohio Officer Who Suspected Her of Stealing
–– Microwaved Pop-Tart in her pocket.

She thought it was perfume. It was actually a Soviet-era nerve agent
–– And her husband, the President, gave it to her as birthday gift.

Openly gay ex-MMA fighter may become first Native American congresswoman
–– + disability = liberal wet dream.

Trump’s Lawyers Counter Mueller’s Interview Offer, Seeking a Narrower Scope
–– More in line with client’s narrow mind.

Uber Hit With Cap as New York City Takes Lead in Crackdown
–– Busts cap in tailpipe.

Kris Kobach Is the G.O.P. at Its Worst
–– Which is why Kansas sure to elect him.

Chicago police solve one in every 20 shootings. Here are some reasons why that's so low.
–– Which in Chicago, still means ton of arrests.

Spike Lee hopes his new film sinks Trump
–– Not likelee.

Watch shark jump at scientist on boat
–– Thought he was Fonzie, wanted revenge.

Academy adds 'popular film' category to Oscars
–– And Best Paid Actor, Actress.

Kathleen Turner Lets Loose on 'Friends' Cast, "Gross" Trump Handshake and "Asshole" Nic Cage
–– Body hate.

A Nail-Biter in Ohio Is a Democratic Triumph
–– Isn’t triumph when you win?

Few Have Lost Races, but All Republicans Have Lost Support in Special Elections Under Trump
–– So Dems win Buoy Prize?

Sources: Stephen Miller pushing policy to make it harder for immigrants who received benefits to earn citizenship
–– It's Miller slime.

MoviePass Films announces its first production, with Bruce Willis as star
–– You'll be able to get in free, but won’t want to.

Mighty Ducks Actor Shaun Weiss Arrested After 'Behaving Erratically' While High on Drugs: Police
–– Called for really high sticking.

Contaminated food kills at least 9 people at funeral in Peru
–– Sad, but convenient.

Angelina Jolie says Brad Pitt not paying 'meaningful' child support in new court docs
–– World War Z 2: Deadbeat Dad?

Gun-toting granny: I shot man trying to enter home ‘playing with his thing’
–– Shot before he did.

Bin Laden’s son marries 9/11 hijacker’s daughter
–– Hope they fly into something nice for honeymoon.

Identical twin sisters marry identical twin brothers in joint ceremony — and they're not the first
–– No, it happened last week.

Apple Pulls Infowars Podcasts from iTunes, Facebook Deletes Alex Jones-Run Pages
–– Infowash.

Alex Jones pleads with Donald Trump to fight 'censorship' after Infowars host is banned by YouTube and Facebook
–– Trump: ‘But I love censorship!’

Gay man allegedly kicked out of pool because of 'inappropriate' swimsuit: 'If it smells like homophobia, it's homophobia'
–– Bigots didn’t want him sniffing around.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders invited to speak at Kentucky GOP dinner
–– Couple serving possum.

Caitlyn Jenner Wants to Play a Marvel Villain: ‘The Baddest-Ass Lady You’ve Ever Seen’
–– How about dumbest-ass?

Johnny Depp's Notorious B.I.G. Movie Pulled a Month Before Release
–– After stories of notorious P.I.G.

A dog, caviar, babies and cereal: what the Capitals have put in the Stanley Cup
–– And Ovechkin’s ‘little Lord Stanley.’

Lance Bass Flubbed His Chance at Brady Bunch House: "It Was a Rookie Move"
–– Harsher, harsher, harsher.

Paul Manafort's business partner Rick Gates testifies that the two committed crimes together
–– Were Best Frauds Forever.

Paul Manafort Trial: Gates Admits Having Affair as Defense Attacks Him
–– If it wasn’t with Manafort, who cares?

Rick Gates: Paul Manafort tried to get Secretary of the Army job for Chicago banker Stephen Calk, who loaned him millions
–– Calk-ward!

John Yoo on Manafort defense: It's like Batman blaming Robin
–– The tights might’ve been his idea.

Prosecutors: Judge wrong to scold them in front of jury
–– Should spank them in chambers.

O.J. Simpson Tells Fan 'Being a Felon Ain't All Bad' at Las Vegas Restaurant
–– Unconvicted murderers never have to wait on line.

Carl Icahn: Cigna's merger with Express Scripts rivals 'worst in corporate history'
–– Poison pill theory.

Kourtney Kardashian Says She's "Ashamed" of Her "Disgusting" Family and Thinks They're "Gross"
–– Ivanka, are you listening?

Why so many people sleep in McDonald's in Hong Kong
–– McDecafé.

NASCAR CEO Brian France accused of DWI and possession of oxycodone
–– And making piss stop in street.

Masked man enters radio station studio and shoots DJ in Wisconsin
–– In Jockey shorts.

Diddy lived with the Amish and milked cows as a child
–– Or vice versa.

Trump is insulting LeBron James’s intelligence — and Don Lemon’s — on Twitter
–– Hurts when it comes from idiot savant.

CNN’s Don Lemon to Trump: ‘Referring to African-Americans as dumb is one of the oldest canards of racism in this country.’
–– Trump: ’It has nothing to do with Canard Line, Don Lemon could not afford cruise anyway.’

Iran’s Ahmadinejad aligns with Melania in defending LeBron James against Donald Trump 
–– Talk about cavalier cheerleaders.

CNN’s Brian Stelter airs clip of C-SPAN caller threatening to shoot him and Don Lemon
–– Fully loaded clip.

MoviePass slashes plan to three movies per month
–– Only a 90% cut.

Trump rants incoherently on trade then says there is 'so much happening in space', during rambling Ohio rally speech
–– Not space between ears.

‘Hidden in Holmes' mind': Psychologist describes findings after spending hours with Aurora movie theater killer
–– Holmes invasion.

Oh, bother! ‘Mission: Impossible – Fallout’ beats Disney’s ‘Christopher Robin’
–– Pooh poo plodder.

Joe Arpaio Tells Sacha Baron Cohen He'd Give Donald Trump a Hand Job
–– Not first pussy he’d grab.

Sacha Baron Cohen tricks Sheriff Joe into saying he'd let Trump perform oral sex on him
–– With those loose lips, why not?

The NRA claims actions by New York state are harming its finances. Governor Cuomo's response: 'Too bad'
–– Legally must list NRA as campaign contributer.

Hardline U.S. 'gundamentalists' pressure NRA from within
–– Trigger warning.

Steel Giants With Ties to Trump Officials Block Tariff Relief for Hundreds of Firms
–– Riveting.

Trump’s Newsprint Tariffs Hasten Local Newspapers’ Demise
–– Trump: ‘Omigosh, I had no idea. Here, let me double ‘em!’

Kathy Kriger, ‘Madame Rick’ at Her Casablanca Cafe, Is Dead at 72
–– Didn’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi is stepping down
–– We hardly Nooyi.

Charlotte Rae -- Mrs. Garrett from TV's 'The Facts of Life,' 'Diff'rent Strokes' -- dies at 92
–– From diff’rent stroke?

He’s a Superstar Pastor. She Worked for Him and Says He Groped Her Repeatedly.
–– Let us prey.

The Go-Go’s Gave Us the Beat and So Much More
–– Like really beat Head Over Heels.

Can the Ocasio-Cortez Playbook Work in the Heartland? Cori Bush Is Trying
–– It only takes 15K trusting souls.

Flight attendants share the worst thing you can order on a plane—and the hardest part of the job
–– ‘Me’. Mine.

Trump lawyer: President’s meddling to help Flynn was like stopping FBI spying on Martin Luther King
–– That other Russian rights champion.

Rick 'Zombie Boy' Genest’s Family Believe the Model Accidentally Fell to His Death
–– And think his facial skull-with-brain-exposed facial tats looked ‘nice.’

Patrick Stewart is returning to the role of Jean-Luc Picard for a new Star Trek series
–– Make it so-so.

Nicolas Maduro assassination attempt: Venezula president says drone attack was 'far-right' plot to kill him
–– As he droned on.

Hope Hicks's Air Force One look seems like it's straight from Melania Trump's closet
–– Where FLOTUS has been hiding for weeks.

‘Guardians’ Actor Kurt Russell Defends James Gunn: ‘I Think We’re Getting A Little Too Sensitive’
–– Ego stroking.

'Guardians 3' Star Says Working for Disney Is "Pretty Nauseating" After James Gunn Firing
–– Knock-down Drax-out.

‘Flint’ Producers on Bringing Real-Life Water Crisis to the Screen: "There Was Not a Happy Ending"
–– That’s lead-pipe cinch.

‘Lost’ Producers Apologize After Evangeline Lilly Says She Was "Cornered" Into Nude Scene
–– #MeTush.

President Admits Focus of Trump Tower Meeting Was Getting Dirt on Clinton
–– As much as Don Jr. meeting had ‘focus.’

President urged to stop tweeting on Trump Tower meeting
–– Why, he’s saving Mueller money on investigation?

Sarah Jeong: New York Times journalist who tweeted 'cancel white people' is victim of 'dishonest' trolls, claims former employer
–– White Devil made her do it.

CBS’ 'The Neighborhood' Not Just a "Middle-Aged White Guy's" Story
–– And what could be more horrific?

Trump Says "Fake News" Media Can "Cause War"
–– Blaming Hearst for conflict in Cuba.

Carr and Yosemite Wildfires Grow, Forcing Thousands to Evacuate
–– Yosemite slam.

Kushner Companies offloads troubled 666 Fifth Avenue flagship
–– Satan buys back.

Actor Steven Seagal appointed Russian ministry's 'special representative'
–– To ‘Americans who can’t spell Russia.’

How Director Ramin Bahrani Fought to Bring 'Fahrenheit 451' Adaptation to Screen
–– And why anyone would care 2.5 months after it flopped on HBO.

Got milk? Vanilla Almond Breeze might, prompting recall
–– Got nuts?

A flat tire started the deadly Carr Fire and days of devastation in California
–– Rim job.


WHAT COULD MANAFORT?
Week of 08/03/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Prosecutor: Manafort had a $15,000 jacket 'made from an ostrich'
–– With head buried in Trump’s ass.

Trump receives new letter from Kim
–– K.

Manafort lavish spending on clothes raises questions on payment methods
–– Used Crook Traveller's Cheques.

Judge on Manafort trial: Don't use word 'oligarchs'
–– He doesn’t know what it means.

Manafort and Rick Gates sent bogus income statements to banks, bookkeeper says
–– And bogus crowd numbers to Trump.

Paul Manafort’s Defense Team Opens Trial by Blaming Associates
–– Manafort knocks.

Trump asks who had it worse: Capone or Manafort
–– Wants to get down to Nitti gritty.

'Manhattan Madam' met with Mueller's team
–– Interviewed yet another whore.

Disney’s 'Christopher Robin' Won't Get China Release Amid Pooh Crackdown
–– That’s some weird poo.

Two Injured From Cocktail at Gordon Ramsay's Vegas Restaurant
–– Signature Flaming Asshole.

Osama bin Laden's brother warns his vengeful son Hamza not to follow in his footsteps
–– Like father like scum.

Stonehenge: The earliest Ikea flat pack in history?
–– Um, no.

Detroit police officer suspended after video shows him repeatedly punching naked woman in a hospital
–– Claims he thought he saw two speed bags.

The real reason people rent middle-aged men in Japan
–– Fad for brief, boring sex.

Las Vegas Shooting Investigation Ends Without Clear Motive For Gunman
–– While NRA’s agenda crystal-clear.

The NRA Says It’s in Deep Financial Trouble, May Be ‘Unable to Exist’
–– Cock teasing.

Facing Losses, Condé Nast Plans to Put 3 Magazines Up for Sale
–– Dead issues.

Sweden’s Tallest Peak Shrinks in Record Heat
–– Revealed it had always lied about size.

Largest King Penguin Colony in the World Drops by 90%
–– Tuxedo rental company files for bankruptcy.

‘It Can Happen Even to Guys’: Ohio State Wrestlers Detail Abuse, Saying #UsToo
–– #EwToo.

Eric Trump: Entire family has received 'white powder' in the mail
–– From nosecandy.com.

Chloë Sevigny, Kristen Stewart put erotic spin on bloody murder in Lizzie trailer
–– Does it hurt to axe?

Chris Evans responds to Leslie Jones calling him 'fine as f—' in Avengers: Infinity War
–– If the Cap fits…

Passenger dragged off plane for refusing to leave business class
–– Rewarded with even more legroom.

Congressional candidate calls Melania Trump 'hoebag' and says she 'works by the hour'
–– FLOTUS spokesperson: 'That's disgusting! The President has her on retainer.'

Donald Trump Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle make their red carpet debut as a couple
–– Stanley Steemer gets emergency call.

Ex-CIA director hits Trump Jr. for comparing DNC to Nazis
–– That's Reich coming from him.

Israelis can't believe Americans are falling for Sacha Baron Cohen's shtick
–– Shtick out like sore thumb.

Anti-Trump vandalism sweeps country: Yacht, Hollywood star latest targets
–– As Trump vandalism sweeps country.

China says it wants to resolve differences with U.S. 'on equal footing'
–– Applied ‘to equal butts.’

Whoopi Goldberg To Meghan McCain On 'The View': The 'War On Christmas' Is 'B.S.'
–– Jingle balls!

Omarosa Writes Donald Trump Showed “Mental Decline” During Lester Holt Interview
–– From ground-level starting point.

Susanna Fogel on "Disappointment and Hardship" That Led to 'Spy Who Dumped Me'
–– And she then inflicted on audience.

395 people sickened in McDonald's salad outbreak
–– Just thought of salad made regulars ill.

Urban Meyer Endorsement Deal with Bob Evans Ends Amid Investigation
–– Urban miff.

Trump Unveils His Plan to Weaken Car Pollution Rules
–– Because there is no aspect of American life that he’ll not beshit.

Actually, Curbing Uber Won’t Relieve Heavy Traffic
–– Except to cab drivers’ funerals.

World’s most prestigious maths medal is stolen minutes after professor wins it
–– In short form subtraction.

Mets not happy about Eaton slide that broke Phil Evans’ leg
–– Not for second.

The ‘Metsiest’ Mets Loss Ever
–– It got Metsy.

Tesla reported the biggest loss in its history. But it could've been worse
–– Musk could’ve released jokey Tweet.

Houston police say suspect in shooting of renowned cardiologist held a 20-year-old grudge
–– No political agenda, no religious fanaticism –– how refreshing.

McDonald’s Served Pregnant Canadian Woman Cleaning Solution Instead of Latte
–– Pipe-cleaning hot.

‘Calexit’ supporters revamp campaign with plan to convert half of California into 'autonomous Native American nation'
–– Legal weed.

Tom Cruise did not know that internet pοrn existed, until Seth Rogen told him
–– Like Cocktale, Top Cum, Mission Impossible: Ballout, Cherry McGuire, A Few Good Men.

Vice President of the Trump Plaza Casino thought president bugged his office
–– Trump insists it was Obama.

White House refuses to say media is not 'enemy of the people'
–– Concedes not all journalists flesh-eating zombies.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Defends Verbal Attacks on CNN’s Jim Acosta
–– Says it's a costa' doing business.

Mike Huckabee says he may buy home in West Bank settlement
–– Please tell us it's gift of new home for daughter!

A fire in California destroyed their home. But after finding a family heirloom in the ashes, this man has faith that they'll rebuild.
–– A silver-plated lighter.

Barber pretends to cut off kid's ear during haircut as revenge for prank — did he go too far?
–– Hear hear.

‘This isn't our best. It's not who we are': Anthony Scaramucci defends Jim Acosta after Trump supporters heckled him at a rally in Tampa
–– It’s Mooch's best.

President Trump Said 'You Need an ID to Buy Groceries.' The Internet Went to Town
–– His servants flashed green cards when he sent them to market.

How Trump Could Be Like Reagan
–– Take dirt nap.

Charles Koch Takes On Trump. Trump Takes On Charles Koch.
–– We suggest duel with pistols.

A plane carrying 103 people crashed then burned in Mexico and no one died
–– News media pretty bummed.

Trump says Sessions should end Mueller investigation 'right now'
–– Which is totally not obstruction of justice.

Anthony Bourdain's 'Parts Unknown' to Return for Final Season
–– Parts unearthed.

Nicole Kidman to Play Gretchen Carlson in Roger Ailes Movie
–– Stone cold FOX.

Norman Lear's Birthday Wish Was His Own Towel
–– Dry humor.

A Push for 3-D Weapons by One of the World’s ‘Most Dangerous People’
–– Brings new dimension to over-exaggeration.

Apple’s $1 Trillion Milestone Reflects Rise of Powerful Megacompanies
–– The tril is gone.

Pantsless doctor busted in bed with underage boy
–– Breath came in short pants.

Trump says Koch brothers are a 'total joke'
–– ‘Not as funny as me, but still.’

Trump Is ‘Looking Into’ 3-D Printed Plastic Guns
–– Down barrel?

Trump Administration Mulls a Unilateral Tax Cut for the Rich
–– Why not just send them annual $1B welfare check?

Dunkin' Donuts introduces its first gluten-free item
–– Dyslexic gluttons drooling.

In a Remote Convent, an Endangered Salamander Finds a Shot at Renewal
–– Pretty eft up.

Michael Cohen went to the worst law school in the country
–– And was hired by the worst human being in the world.

Charlie Sheen says he can relate to Roseanne Barr
–– Like son of a bitch.

Denver Riggleman, the Bigfoot Erotica Candidate, Wants You to Know It’s All Anthropological
–– That toe sucker.

Chris Pratt, 'Guardians of the Galaxy' Cast Call for Reinstatement of James Gunn
–– Stick to their Gunn.

Tyson says tariffs and meat glut are eating into its profit
–– Pecking away.

CBS Shares Drop Again as Board Considers Leslie Moonves’ Fate
–– To below belt.

CBS Says Q2 Profit Rises, But Keeps Mum on Moonves Questions
–– He harrassed own mother?

The Maps That Show That City vs. Country Is Not Our Political Fault Line
–– Sure, and every major metropolitan area didn’t vote for Clinton.

New York Times Publisher and Trump Clash Over President’s Threats Against Journalism
–– Grandfather would’ve shown more Punch.

Spokesman For GOP Senate Nominee Called Majority-Black Cities ‘S**tholes’
–– Urban dismay.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Says She Has ‘At Least 5 More Years’ On Supreme Court
–– Let's see, if he's reelected in 2020 … can you make that 6?

Bernie Sanders' 'Medicare for all' bill estimated to cost $32.6T, new study says
–– Ill-advised.

Conservatives start suggesting that colluding with Russia isn't so bad
–– Not a foregone collusion?

Roseanne Barr Says She Told ABC She Wasn’t ‘Mentally Balanced’ While Promoting Roseanne
–– Truth in merchandising.

Roseanne Barr Says She Thinks Her Former 'Roseanne' Colleagues 'Lost a Good Friend'
–– Heard rumors, doesn’t know name.

Tim Allen breaks silence on Roseanne firing: 'Who makes up these rules?'
–– Last man understanding.

Tim Allen Says Roseanne Barr ‘Was the Most Diverse and Tolerant Woman I’ve Ever Known’
–– ‘At our Klan meetings.’

Trump threatens to 'shut down' government unless Democrats agree to fund Mexico wall
–– Or throw epic Twitter tantrum.

Mourning orca mother carries dead calf for fifth day
–– Waiting for life insurance claim to process.

’We didn't let girls do it in the old days,' a judge said; 'Inappropriate,' a higher court ruled
– 'Pounding his gavel.'

The CEO of the world's largest publicly-traded cannabis company explains why he partnered with the $41 billion brand behind Corona
–– Hails ‘budding’ relationship.

Sacha Baron Cohen Punks Roy Moore With 'Pedophile Detector'
–– Gagger counter.

Vandals paint Nazi symbols on wall at Jewish temple in Indiana
–– Swastika shock.

Aryan Brotherhood gang leader dies in Colorado prison
–– Sieg ya later.

Mobs of kangaroos take to streets of Australia's capital over food shortages
–– Bring pouch lunches.

Sean Newcomb's Old Racist, Homophobic Tweets Revealed After Failed No-Hitter
–– Pitches in the dirt.

Cruise line faces backlash over shooting of polar bear
–– Why won’t people just let themselves be mauled?

He Was Dow’s ‘Dioxin Lawyer.’ Now He’s Trump’s Choice to Run the Superfund Program.
–– Other job offer was from Bashar Al-Assad.

Trevor Noah Refuses to Apologize for Resurfaced Joke About Aboriginal Women
–– Noah's snark.

Teen burglar woke up sleeping couple to ask for Wi-Fi access, police say
–– Live-streamed own arrest.

An unknown prankster put a Putin portrait in Colorado's state Capitol where Trump's would be
–– Upside of legal weed.

Teacher moonlights as Nazi-themed wrestler
–– Real estate developer moonlights as Nazi-themed dictator.

HHS official who made anti-Muslim comments and spread conspiracy theories resigns
–– Hate and Human Services.

U.S. Diplomats Held Face-to-Face Talk With Taliban, Insurgents Say
–– Jihad of hearing.

Catholic nuns break their silence on abuse by priests: 'I pretended it didn't happen'
–– Too busy playing house with sisters.

Cardinal Theodore McCarrick Resigns Amid Sexual Abuse Scandal
–– Mitre known.

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