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Headliners
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Headliners 2010-2009
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CRASH OF THE TITANS
Week of 07/27/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Michael Cohen Says Trump Knew About Trump Tower Meeting With Russians In Advance
–– Was on To-Dupe List.

Whirlpool loved Trump's tariffs. Now it's struggling
–– Circling drain.

Michael Cohen sent up flares, but Trump never came to help
–– Now he’s aiming them at head.

'Dead to Each Other': Team Trump Prepares to 'Bury' Michael Cohen, 'Weakling' and 'Traitor'
–– Will invite to quiet fishing trip on Lake Tahoe.

Giuliani called Michael Cohen a 'pathological liar' in a heated CNN interview, and it could create another problem for Trump
–– ‘Which is why he hired him in first place!’

Sean Hannity Previews Roseanne Barr Interview: ‘Nothing Is Off the Table’
–– ‘Off the wall, yes.’

Roseanne Barr Sorry Valerie Jarrett Misunderstood Her “Political” Tweet, Tells Her To Get New Hairstyle
–– Political in National Socialist sense.

Bill Loud, the Father of TV’s ‘An American Family,’ Is Dead at 97
–– Went quietly.

’Star Wars: Episode IX' cast will include Carrie Fisher
–– Leia's down life.

Maker of Sweethearts, NECCO Wafers, Clark Bars abruptly closes
–– Neccophiliacs crushed.

A Colombian gang has put a $70,000 bounty on Sombra the drug-sniffing dog
–– Mood sombra at kennel.

Leslie Moonves Accused of Sexual Misconduct in Ronan Farrow Exposé
–– Blue Moonves.

Julie Chen Stands by Husband Les Moonves After Sexual Harassment Accusations: ‘Leslie Is a Good Man’
–– Can’t afford to lose Big Brother gig.

Hear the sounds the sun makes. They're surprisingly soothing
–– If you like gassiness.

The E.P.A.’s New Chief Reverses a Dirty-Truck Loophole Left by Scott Pruitt
–– Partially closes poophole.

Shannon Beador Claims Estranged Husband David Thinks She's 'Not Worthy' of His Last Name
–– Wife Beador?

Justin Bieber Reacts to Demi Lovato's Apparent Overdose: "I Thought She Was Sober"
–– “But I was pretty fucked-up.”

Imran Khan Says India, Pakistan Should Meet for Peace Talks
–– Batting around idea.

Betsy DeVos' $40 Million Yacht Set Adrift By Vandals At Ohio Dock
–– Dubbed Jenius.

Putin’s soccer ball for Trump had chip that can transmit data to nearby phones
–– Trump tried phoning Pence with it.

Florida police officer kicks pregnant woman in the stomach, forcing her to give birth, authorities say
–– Will charge her for obstetric services.

Brock Turner sought 'outercourse' with victim, says lawyer for ex-Stanford student
–– Trying to dry hump Lady Justice.

‘Star Wars’ Director Rian Johnson Deletes 20,000 Tweets After James Gunn Firing in ‘Why Not?’ Move
–– Now if every Twitter user followed example.

McDonald's employee body-slams woman who allegedly tried to steal soda
–– She deserved a break today.

Arizona town 'heartbroken' after Sacha Baron Cohen's 'Who Is America?' brands them racist
–– 'Gee, we're just a bunch of average American bigots.'

Sean Spicer Heckled At Book Tour Event In New York City, Called 'Piece Of Garbage'
–– Offender carted away.

‘It’s her JOB to look like that.’ Jennifer Lopez’s stunning bikini snap divides commenters
–– Then she's Employee of Year.

Lance Armstrong wonders why he is scorned and Alex Rodriguez forgiven after doping scandals
–– Did he see J-Lo pic?

A Restaurant Crowd Jeered Lance Armstrong, So He Bought Everyone's Meals
–– How he rolls these days.

Report: Kimberly Guilfoyle left Fox News after being accused of sexual misconduct
–– In latest slang for sleeping with a Trump.

Box-Office Milestone: 'Won't You Be My Neighbor?' Becomes Top-Grossing Biodoc
–– Rogers that.

Conservative Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan to run for House speaker
–– Showers in House gym should perk up.

Scientists discover body of water on Mars
–– More impressed if they discovered body in water.

Jimmy Garoppolo on Reaction to Porn Star Kiara Mia Date: 'Learning Experience'
–– Discovered new meaning for fullback.

Trump delays next Putin meeting until after 'Russia witch hunt is over'
–– 'And I can meet him as private citizen doing real estate deals.'

Putin says Trump can 'be my guest' in Moscow, White House welcomes idea
–– As long as he changes sheets.

Man bites dog: North Koreans eat dog meat to beat the heat
–– Skewers the pooch.

‘What you're seeing isn't happening', Trump tells veterans' convention in meandering rant against 'fake news’
–– Crowds’ eyes, ears are like, ‘WTF?”

Pompeo says US won't recognize Russia's Crimea annexation
–– Can’t identify it on map.

Pompeo refuses to give senators any details on Trump meetings with Kim and Putin
–– Like he has any.

HBO Programming Chief Says AT&T Has ‘No Plans to Dilute’ Brand
–– Even as they piss all over it.

When We Eat, or Don’t Eat, May Be Critical for Health
–– Like if it’s been 10 days, uh-oh.

Walmart will chauffeur shoppers in self-driving Waymo cars
–– Expect way mo accidents.

How the Trump Tax Cut Is Helping to Push the Federal Deficit to $1 Trillion
–– Blindly.

Trump’s Hollywood Walk of Fame Star Destroyed Again
–– Even Kevin Spacey star embarrassed to be next to his.

Spokesperson: Melania Trump Can Watch Any TV Channel She Wants
–– As long as she stays in cage.

A Guy Tried to Do Naked Yoga at Planet Fitness Because It's a 'Judgment Free Zone'
–– But wasn’t ‘seeing-eye zone.’

Ivanka Trump to shut down fashion company
–– Disappointing several doughty Klansgals.

An anonymous recovering addict pays $77 IHOP breakfast bill for overworked EMTs
–– Obviously using again.

Trump to Seek Repeal of California's Smog-Fighting Power
–– Blowing smoke up own ass.

Serena Williams and Husband Fly to Italy for Dinner Because ‘She Wanted Italian'
–– Wow, that is one open marriage.

Papa John's creates a poison pill to prevent founder John Schnatter from taking it over (PZZA)
–– Available to customers as topping later this year.

Erdogan calls Israel world's 'most fascist, racist' state
–- With air of wistful envy.

Netanyahu hits back at Erdogan, says Turkey 'becoming dictatorship'
–– 'Lucky bastard.'

The Michael Cohen Raid Led To 12 Tapes For Prosecutors. The Trump Recording Was Just One Of Them.
–– The dirtiest of dozen.

Trump Says Michael Cohen's Phone-Taping Is "Perhaps Illegal"
–– “And embarrassing –– I told him he should be ‘tapping’.”

Cohen lawyer: Only mobsters use cash
–– As he asks reporter if he has 'change for a Benjamin.'

Fellow Sioux Falls residents speak out on alleged spy's boyfriend
–– Boyfriend: 'So Sioux me.'

Toronto gunman's relatives said he had mental health issues, but they never expected this rampage
–– Different rampage, maybe.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions repeats 'lock her up' chant
–– Kellyanne? Nikki? Ivanka?

Chic Parisian Patisserie Laduree Introduces Hemp Macaron Exclusive to L.A.
–– Juiced desserts.

Swimmer Ryan Lochte Suspended 14 Months for Doping Violation Involving IV Use
–– For being dope?

Emergency cleanup after needles were found at N.J. beaches nets 200 lbs of plastic
–– Crews just poking around.

A Georgia state politician screamed the ‘N-word’ and exposed himself on Sacha Baron Cohen’s show in an attempt to ‘fight off terrorists’
–– Rest of his colleagues do it in private for fun.

Rep. Jason Spencer: Sacha Baron Cohen Manipulated ‘My Paralyzing Fear’
–– ‘He’s like the Trump of comedy.’

Trump says he 'gave up nothing' at Putin meeting
–– aka ‘my dignity and U.S. reputation.’

Cornyn: Trump should put second Putin meeting on 'back burner'
–– ‘And turn up to high for 15 minutes.’

Senate Candidate Lauds Trump For 'Standing Up To Russians,' Crowd Laughs
–– Meant ‘for’ the Russians.

They Vowed to Fix the Subway a Year Ago. On-Time Rates Are Still Terrible.
–– Train in vain.

Rand Paul to ask Trump to revoke Brennan security clearance
–– Intel outside.

'A very, very petty thing to do': Intelligence officials react to Trump considering revoking their security clearances for criticizing him
–– Commander-in-Chief and Chief Petty Officer.

Paul Ryan says Trump is just “trolling” people with threat to strip security clearances
–– Like 14-year-olds do.

Lawmakers, Lobbyists and the Administration Join Forces to Overhaul the Endangered Species Act
–– An extinct possibility.

North Korea wants US to make 'bold move' towards peace before denuclearization, source says
–– Wants ‘Putin’ deal.

Pompeo accuses Iranian Supreme Leader of profiting from $95 billion hedge fund
–– His Supreme Leader wants in.

New York Daily News to slash 50% of its editorial team
–– Won’t return after they heal.

Why Are Some Crows Committing Acts of Necrophilia?
–– Hardcaw porn.

Trump still loved in Florida retirement village
–– Let him go be president there.

Tour de France Expel Team Sky's Gianni Moscon for Punching Elie Gesbert
–– A roid to the jaw.

Josh Hader Cheered by Brewers Fans in 1st Appearance Since Racist Tweets Emerged
–– Hader’s gonna hate.

Santorum: There’s nothing ‘particularly problematic’ about tapes of Trump discussing paying off ex-Playboy model
–– In latest slang for impeachable.

Revealed: Pre-election FBI memo says Carter Page was ‘collaborating and conspiring with the Russian government'
–– And 'collateralizing and conjugating'.

Gowdy: 'Disconnect cannot continue' between Trump and intelligence community
–– ‘While we’re doin’ our damnedest to destroy the Mueller investigation.’

Russia, Accused of Faking News, Unfurls Its Own ‘Fake News’ Bill
–– Wants international trademark protection on anti-intellectual property.

Baby girl born in Texas Chick-fil-A gets free food for life and a future job
–– Should shorten life expectancy by 10 years.

Pulitzer Prize-winning restaurant critic Jonathan Gold dies at 57
–– Bites dust.

Paramount TV President Amy Powell Fired Over Inappropriate Comments
–– Powell outage.

Dave Bautista, Others Defend James Gunn: ‘I Am NOT OK With What’s Happening’
–– Denizens of Drax’ home planet offended by dim portrayal want him fired.

Bobcat Goldthwait Asks Disney to Remove His Voice From Its Parks to Protest James Gunn Firing
–– Parents of small children relieved.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Hollywood's New "Zero Tolerance" on Offensive Speech Makes Zero Sense
–– Swoosh!

‘We’re in the midst of an all-out assault on human dignity': Joe Biden
–– Or is it just 'Trump being Trump?'

Woman Says She Telepathically Urged Mountain Lion Out of Her Oregon Home
–– Mind over catter.

After plastic straws, this entrepreneur wants plastic toothbrushes to disappear
–– Critics see floss in argument.

Stephen Strasburg Says Argument with Max Scherzer Is 'Part of Family'
–– Like idiot brother with crazy sibling.

Mnuchin: US open to removing Russian aluminum producer from sanctions list
–– Still converting bribe from rubles to dollars.

Hamas accepts cease-fire after massive Israeli Gaza strikes
–– Bibi’s idea of Save-the-Date reminder.


AN ENEMA OF THE PEOPLE
Week of 07/20/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump says he'll have another meeting with Putin, again calls media 'enemy of the people'
–– 'And I speak the Pravda.'

Report: Trump lying twice as much as last year
–– ‘See, I doubled GLP!’

Trump inviting Putin to Washington this fall
–– Has fist so far up Uncle Sam’s ass can use uvula as speed bag.

America’s intelligence chief found out during a live interview that Trump wanted to bring Putin to Washington: 'OK ... That's gonna be special'
–– Church Lady agreed.

WSJ: Trump ignored advice to confront Putin over indictments
–– Ignorance is job 1.

US offers no details as Russia claims Trump and Putin reached military agreements
–– Before private ‘sword fight’.

Diplomats scold Trump for toying with idea of Russia interrogation swap
–– 'Yeah, but I told Vlad waterboarding was off the table.'

John McCain: Trump is "playing right into Putin's hands"
–– In latest slang for splooging.

Trump Says He Laid Down the Law in His Latest Account of His Meeting With Putin
–– Invoked Euler’s Theorem.

CIA 'had source close to Putin' and told Donald Trump that Russian leader ordered election hacking
–– Don Jr.?

Trump reportedly fawned over Putin after their meeting and told aides the Russian leader was strong, smart, and cunning
–– Courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent.

Days after Helsinki summit, Russia shows off Putin's 'super weapons’
–– Including ‘Trumpalyzer.’

Russia’s Top Diplomat Complains to Pompeo About ‘Fabricated Charges’ Against Maria Butina
–– Offers to provide real ones for cash.

Prosecutors: Russian agent traded sex for access
–– Codenamed: Buttina.

Sanford says he met accused Russian agent at Thanksgiving barbecue
–– Offered her stuffing.

Justice Department Will Tell Public About 'Persistent,' 'Pervasive' Attacks On Democracy
–– Addressed to those in coma for last 18 months.

Nazis and anti-Semites slip through GOP primaries, causing headaches for party
–– 'Slip through' or ''naturally ascend?'

S. Korea's ex-president Park given eight more years in prison
–– Long-term Parking.

Kitten Miraculously Survives, Avoids Injury During 45-Mile Ride in Car Wheel Well
–– Did feel ‘tired.’

China is using a cartoon soybean to win over the public in the US-China trade war
–– And Tofu Fighters.

Laverne Cox's beautiful bikini photo made a fan 'feel like a toe.' Then the actress responded.
–– Didn't nail it.

James Gunn fired from 'Guardians of the Galaxy' franchise after Twitter jokes about rape and pedophilia emerge
–– Well, I am Groot!

Kimberly G Leaving Fox News For Trump Fundraising PAC — Is Boyfriend Don Jr. Running For Office?
–– Obviously qualified for dogcatcher.

71-Year-Old Florida Man Dies from Flesh-Eating Bacteria After Eating Raw Oyster at Restaurant
–– Bacteria resented sharing meal.

Michael Cohen Secretly Taped Trump Discussing Payment to Playboy Model
–– Fold-out vouch.

Trump attorneys waive privilege on secret recording about ex-Playmate payment
–– Waive white flag.

Trump administration wants immigrants to pass a test before being admitted into the country
–– Administration didn’t need to pass test to run it?

Yadier Molina sees something familiar in Cubs: 'They remind me of what we were back in the day'
–– Bearly.

Brazilian plastic surgeon 'Dr Bumbum' on the run after patient dies following failed bottom enhancement
–– The cheek!

Neanderthals could start their own fires, new research proves
–– Hadn’t clue how to put them out.

The Sinaloa cemetery: How drug traffickers show off their wealth in death with gaudy tombs costing up to $500,000
–– Sinner lower into ground.

Sean Spicer: I 'See No Evidence' That Mueller's Probe Is A 'Witch Hunt'
–– 'Hear no evidence', 'speak no evidence'.

Stop whatever you are doing and watch this toddler and dog play fetch over a fence
–– Well, I almost have the main artery sewed back up, but sure.

500-pound goliath grouper eats shark as shocked Florida fishermen watch: 'He just sucked it in'
–– Like 500-pound groupie with Steven Tyler.

Eating Processed Meats Has Been Linked to Serious Psychiatric Problems
–– Not eating them linked to blighted taste buds.

Swalwell says Trump could be impeached if he sends ex-ambassador to Russia for questioning
–– Gutless Congress wouldn’t act if he sent only head.

More Americans Are Dying of Cirrhosis and Liver Cancer
–– Cheers!

Jason Clarke Joins Helen Mirren in HBO, Sky’s ‘Catherine the Great’ Miniseries
–– Catherine the Great-in-the-Tooth.

‘Titans’ Trailer Brings the F-Bomb to DC Universe
–– Has had every other kind of bomb.

NBC Internal Investigation Probed Whether 'Biggest Loser' Contestants Were Given Drugs
–– Already knew viewers had to be using.

Trump’s military parade expected to cost nearly as much as 'tremendously expensive' canceled war games
–– Strategy is to fill Kim with envy instead of fear.

Trump Supreme Court pick: I would 'put the nail' in ruling upholding independent counsel
–– 'On my lubed middle finger.'

Fox News' Jeanine Pirro Clarifies: She Was Not a Candidate for Supreme Court
–– Surprising no one but her mother.

Spiked Editorial Cartoons That Led To Rob Rogers’ Firing Get A Public Exhibit
–– Wry Rogers.

Catholic Diocese Can’t Find Natural Explanation For Weeping Virgin Mary Statue
–– Could it be unnatural abuse by priests?

’America’s Got Talent' contestant plunges to ground before audience
–– Crowd crash worse.

Giant Statue of "Sexy" Jeff Goldblum Appears in London
–– No Jurassic pork.

Pierce Brosnan “relieved” to have less singing in Mamma Mia 2
–– Audience ‘ecstatic.’

’Halloween’ Director on Why It Took 80 Drafts to Get the Script Right
–– Drugs.

Denzel Washington Reveals Why ‘Equalizer 2’ Was His First Sequel
–– Hadn’t done one before.

Charlotte’s decision to accept RNC bid is a positive sign
–– Good people on both sides of debate.

EU commissioner on $5 billion antitrust fine: Google has to 'stop this behavior'
–– Google ‘antitrust’ for explanation.

Trump’s migrant fiasco diverts millions from health programs
–– 'That'll be a bonus when we spend tons more on big, beautiful wall.'

Why Netanyahu liked what he saw from Trump in Helsinki
–– Miserables love company.

An earlier dinner may lower risk of some cancers, study says
–– Like chicken breast cancer.

Trump falsely claims Queen reviewed honor guard for first time in 70 years
–– Especially because she couldn’t see them with Lurch in front of her.

I.R.S. Will No Longer Force Kochs and Other Groups to Disclose Donors
–– Scum and Koch.

Armie Hammer Says Fans Keep Wanting Him To Autograph Peaches
–– He asks with which ‘pen’.

Firenado turns into a giant water spout
–– Flinging ravenous sharks into crowd at clam shack.

’Serious concerns' at FCC threaten to halt Sinclair-Tribune merger
–– Pai fears influence of not-rabid-enough rightwing media.

‘CBS Evening News' Anchor Jeff Glor Scores Surprise Trump Interview
–– By honing room-temperature glass of milk persona.

Will Kavanaugh Curb Sloppy White House Deregulation?
–– And whorish impulses of knocked-up slatterns?

Britney Spears Releases Trailer For ‘Prerogative,’ A Gender-Neutral Fragrance
–– Even though she thinks you take ‘prerogatives’ to avoid unwanted pregnancies.

Raising a Child in a Doomed World
–– Or Why Depressives Shouldn’t Have Kids.

White House Orders Direct Taliban Talks to Jump-Start Afghan Negotiations
–– After 17 years it will take some heavy voodoo shit to revive those.

Meghan Markle’s Dad Says Her ‘Pained Smile’ Means She’s Terrified
–– Or that royal cooking doesn’t agree with her.

WeWork goes vegetarian refusing to pay for meat under new company policy
–– Carnivores: 'Eat me.'

Democratic Senator: ‘Something Close’ to the Pee Tape Exists
–– But doesn’t want to get in pissing contest.

He Preyed on Men Who Wanted to Be Priests. Then He Became a Cardinal.
–– Preyers answered.

Illinois Gov. Embraces Pence at Event, Calls Him One of the `Greatest Leaders in American History`
–– Needs emergency nose job after rally.

Mets’ Wilpons on brink of championship _ in esports
–– Ball club virtual disaster.

May reveals Trump Brexit advice: Sue the EU, don't negotiate
–– Suggests thugs to intimidate Tusk.

Ian Poulter responds after Scottish Open marshal calls him an "arsehole" and accuses him of verbal abuse
–– Poultergeist.

Woman survives seven days trapped after crashing car off California cliff by drinking radiator water 
–– Won't freeze this winter.

Ex-Rep Joe Walsh Blames Teleprompter After Telling Sacha Baron Cohen He Wants Guns for 4-Year-Olds
–– Wants to shoot teen intern operating it.

U.S., North Korea to resume search for remains from Korean War
–– Better chance of discovering those than nuke pact.

Trump meets Putin after denouncing 'stupidity' of U.S. policy on Russia
–– Apparently not stupid enough.

Trump, at Putin’s Side, Questions U.S. Intelligence on 2016 Election
–– Watching, entire world questions U.S. intelligence.

Putin doesn't deny he has compromising information on Trump
–– Minds his Pees and Qs.

Former CIA director: Trump's news conference "nothing short of treasonous"
–– Auto traitor.

John McCain: Today was "one of the most disgraceful performances by an American president in memory"
–– And this from man who wanted to inflict Palin on nation.

Trump Refuses To Condemn Putin Over Russian Election Meddling: ‘We’re All To Blame’
–– That better be the royal we, Benedict Arnold.

Sen. Ben Sasse calls Putin 'murderer,' says Trump shouldn't meet with Russian president
–– Character asassenation.

'I find it hard to believe' Putin didn’t know about Russian interference: Bolton
–– ‘Then this whole ‘earth is round’ theory strains my credulity.’

Rand Paul blocks Sanders's Russia resolution, calls it 'crazy hatred' against Trump
–– When there’s room for so much sane animus.

Rand Paul: "Trump Derangement Syndrome" Has Gone Over The Top And People Have Lost The Big Picture
–– We should trust “Paul Psychosis”.

Chris Wallace to Vladimir Putin: Why Do So Many Of Your Enemies Wind Up Dead?
–– ‘I guess is luck of the Russian.’

Putin showed a threatening video of nukes hitting Florida — and an outraged Trump snapped on him
–– He snapped looong before that.

Pamela Anderson Defends Assange and Putin: ‘Everything Is So Anti-Russia’
–– Two of her other favorite boobs.

Florida town reopens beaches after 2 apparent shark attacks
–– Sending in human bait to make sure.

Stephen Curry Jumps into Lake Tahoe After Losing Bet to Dad at Golf Tournament
–– Stephen nonsense.

11 million-ton iceberg threatens tiny village
–– Pay protection money or else.

$88 Million and Counting: Trump Amasses Huge Head Start for 2020 Campaign
–– A drop in the scum bucket.

Warren Is Preparing for 2020. So Are Biden, Booker, Harris and Sanders.
–– Trump won’t need $88 Thousand.

Papa John's founder John Schnatter kicked out of his office
–– After losing key to Papa’s john.

Papa John's founder 'isn't going quietly,' lawyer says  — Schnatter just dragged Kanye West into fight with the board
–– You've tried all the rest, not try the West.

Laundry Service calls Papa John's founder's extortion accusation 'disparaging and outrageous'
–– Hangs out dirty Laundry.

Barbara Ellen on Madonna: ‘Popular culture still reeks of her influence’
–– Why it still stinks.

Elon Musk Calls British Diver Involved in Thai Cave Rescue "Pedo Guy" on Twitter
–– Won’t back-pedo on claim.

British rescuer considers legal action against Elon Musk over 'pedo' tweet
–– And man up?

Georgia Governor Candidate Caught Saying He’s in Race to Be the ‘Craziest’
–– Knows ‘dumbest’, ‘most incestuous’ out of reach.

Trump suggests he will bring up indicted Russians with Putin, says it's something he 'hadn't thought of'
–– Too busy deciding on flowers he’ll bring.

Paul Ryan says family of woodchucks ate his car
–– Gang of tapeworms his brain.

Trump calls the European Union a 'foe' of the United States
–– Ally oops.

Breaking Down Where the 2018 World Cup Final Will Be Won and Lost
–– At final whistle?

Jaguar escapes enclosure at Audubon Zoo in New Orleans and kills 4 alpacas, an emu and a fox
–– Goes on jag.

Trump’s walk with the Queen: Like 'wandering up and down a golf course'
–– Asshole in one.

In Trump’s U.K. Visit, Some See ‘Infomercial’ for Money-Losing Golf Resort
–– Others see orange blob on green.

Cleaning Toilets, Following Rules: A Migrant Child’s Days in Detention
–– Like Chief of Staff Kelly’s.


GLOSS FINNISH
Week of 07/13/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

For Putin, Helsinki talks with Trump a win before he even sits down
–– Hell sinki in the West.

Rosenstein: Think as Americans, not partisan
–– Or just think.

Trump says Putin meeting 'may be the easiest of them all'
–– Bringing From Russia With Love DVD as gift.

Here’s What Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump Talk About When No One Else Is Listening
–– Whisper sweet nyetings.

12 Russian Intelligence Officers Indicted in Hacking Tied to the Clinton Campaign
–– Which witch is which?

Trump Invited the Russians to Hack Clinton. Were They Listening?
–– Didn't even need bugs, headphones.

Despite Russia election bombshell, the Trump-Putin show will go on
–– Don’t want to disappoint the kiddies.

’Rudeness Upon Rudeness:' Even Theresa May's Opponents Are Taken Aback By Trump's Brexit Attack
–– So far spared U.S.’s ‘lewdness upon lewdness.’

Trump Denounces His Own Attack on Theresa May as, Yes, “Fake News”
–– Actually is when direct quote.

Trump in the U.K.: President Tells May Ties Are at ‘Highest Level of Special’
–– ‘Y’know, right between sailor’s knot and full bondage.’

Roughly 250,000 Turn Out to Protest Trump in London
–– Protest roughly.

‘Downton Abbey’ Movie Officially a Go With Series Cast Returning
–– Plus Trump as Isis.

Peter Strzok Hearing Descends Into Chaos After First Question, Republican vs. Democrat Shouting Match
–– Strzok dumb.

Gowdy and FBI agent Strzok in angry exchange over anti-Trump texts
–– Serving Trey.

GOP Rep. Gohmert unloads on 'smirking' Strzok: 'How many times did you look so innocent into your wife's eyes and lie to her?'
–– ‘Cuz I'm jealous –– I can't do it with m'constituents.’

Republicans walked right into Peter Strzok's trap -- Here's what they missed (and Americans need to know)
–– They are pathetic nitwits.

FEMA Was Sorely Unprepared for Puerto Rico Hurricane, Report Says
–– Left island sore.

As Trade War Persists, Mnuchin Says China Talks Have ‘Broken Down’
–– 'Like a paraplegic-powered rickshaw.'

JPMorgan Chase makes $8.3 billion profit thanks to 'healthy' US consumers
–– And 'sick' Congress.

$4.69 billion verdict against Johnson & Johnson's talcum powder
–– There’s the rub.

Neil Patrick Harris and Elton John Take Their Families on Vacation — See the Adorable Kid Pics
–– Aww, do we gotta?

Spicer describes Trump as ‘a unicorn, riding a unicorn over a rainbow’ in new book
–– With him sitting on one horn.

Great white shark makes U-turn off Carolinas coast. It may mean ‘something big,’ researchers say
–– They’ve been to Myrtle Beach.

How Banning Plastic Straws Could Make Pollution Even Worse
–– Sucks either way.

Kellogg’s Honey Smacks Cereal Linked to 100 Salmonella Infections, CDC Warns
–– And 125,000 timeouts.

Racial Slur Leads to Papa John’s Founder Quitting Chairman Post
–– Shit pie no matter how you slice it.

Papa John's to remove founder's image from ads
–– Make Schnatter-proof.

Michael Jackson was 'chemically castrated' by his late dad, claims singer's ex doctor
–– So Billie Jean not his lover, child not his son.

Dr. Conrad Murray hopes Joe Jackson ‘finds redemption in hell’
–– With Michael’s help.

Backlash over Forbes dubbing Kylie Jenner 'self-made'
–– Like paramecium.

Trump Thought Bill Shine Was Victimized By #MeToo. Then He Hired Him
–– Groped out to him.

HHS secretary: We're performing great act of 'generosity and charity' for immigrant children
–– 'Like when you give cookie to child you molested.'

Government Says Half of Separated Kids Under 5 Won’t Be Reunited
–– To be remanded to Miss Hannigan’s orphanage.

‘Bad Girls Club’ Star Arrested for Allegedly Stealing From Dead Man
–– Novel brand building strategy.

North Korea Criticizes ‘Gangster-Like’ U.S. Attitude After Talks With Mike Pompeo
–– Got that right.

White House thinks Pompeo’s North Korea visit went 'as bad as it could have,’ report says
–– Trump satisfied as long as it was superlative.

Kim Jong Un may have purposefully clowned the Trump administration by ditching his Secretary of State for a potato farm
–– Where he'd see eye-to-eye.

North Korea fails to attend talks on repatriation of US war dead
–– Stiffed negotiators.

Trump releases letter from Kim Jong Un, touts "great progress"
–– Expects ‘amazing’ Christmas card in coming months.

Authorities Release Paul Manafort’s Mugshot
–– Move over Nick Nolte.

Brett Kavanough’s Explanation for His Crippling Credit-Card Debt is Pure MAGA
–– Doesn’t explain why he isn’t Secretary of Treasury. Or why name is spelled with 'o'.

The next Air Force One could be red, white and blue
–– Gold for body-spanning 'T'?.

Stormy Daniels Arrested For Hitting Cop With Her Breasts
–– Dirty pillow fight.

Charges against Stormy Daniels are dismissed after Ohio strip club arrest
–– Dropped like G-string.

Justice Department reopens investigation into 63-year-old murder of Emmett Till
–– Sessions hopes to prove it was suicide.

Bradford Smith, Who Showed Postcards From Outer Space, Dies at 86
–– Of really hot Venusians.

Patricia Schiller, a Sex-Education Pioneer, Dies at 104
–– Maintained erection for over a century.

What to Do if You Spill on Your Laptop
–– Wipe joy juice off.

Elon Musk's Thailand cave rescue would use a 'kid-size' submarine
–– 6-inch Subway.

Father of Australian doctor died just after trapped Thai boys were rescued
–– Even as cousin of Tasmanian postal worker fell into coma.

Thai Caves Where Schoolboys were Trapped to be Turned Into a Museum
–– Presumably closed during monsoon season.

Paul Manafort thinks he's being treated like a 'VIP' in jail, special counsel says
–– Very Impotent Person.

Zsa Zsa the English Bulldog, ‘World’s Ugliest Dog,’ Dies at 9
–– Fleas scene.

Driver flees crash scene after smashing into Yaxley petrol station
–– Was already tanked.

Jordan: 'To think I would not stand up for my athletes is ridiculous'
–– ‘Especially when they were already at full mast.’

How can you tell if a shark is in water? SC man has 'foolproof' trick experts endorse
–– Guy over there with one arm.

Slain Teen Renard Matthews Propped in Front of TV as He's Displayed in Funeral Home
–– Ironically watching The Walking Dead.

Trump’s Former Personal Driver Sues Claiming Years Of Unpaid Overtime
–– Driving mess crazy.

Australia monster croc caught after eight-year hunt
–– Charged with amphibious assault.

Rick Santorum Turns On Trump: He 'Just Bowed To The Washington Elite'
–– 'Which is a position that makes it easier for me to kiss his ass.'

‘Fox & Friends’ Trashes Trump’s Supreme Court Pick: ‘The Swamp Wanted Judge Kavanaugh’
–– Let's not get bogged down in details.

White House does not dispute report that Trump struck a secret, corrupt deal with Justice Kennedy
–– Judge for yourself.

Kavanaugh kicks off effort to sell himself for high court
–– Touts Roe v. Wade rebate special.

Schumer: Trump picked Kavanaugh for protection from Mueller
–– Promised to take writ for him.

Disney Pushes 'Indiana Jones 5' a Year to 2021; Dates 'Maleficent,' 'Jungle Cruise'
–– Gets to first base with 'Jungle Cruise.'

There’s a British campaign to make Green Day's 'American Idiot' the No. 1 song when Trump arrives
–– Shower the People his No. 1 song.

Business Insider introduces new guidelines for 'culturally sensitive topics' after deleting story
–– In latest slang for 'censorship.'

Trump pardons ranchers whose case sparked Bundy takeover of Oregon refuge
–– Why not Ted Bundy?

Trump says he hasn't brought up issue of abortion with Supreme Court pick
–– Came preapproved by right-wing Federalist Society.

Smucker is saying goodbye to Pillsbury and its doughboy
–– Rolls him.

Johnny Depp Sued for Allegedly Punching Crewmember on Movie Set
–– Depp charged.

‘Star Wars': Billy Dee Williams Reprising Role as Lando Calrissian
–– One more original star to kill off.

Carrie Fisher Once Asked William Shatner to Sign a Slave Leia Photo
–– Shatner asked her to sign him 'where no man has gone before.'

Stephen Miller reportedly threw out $80 worth of sushi after a bartender at the restaurant flipped him off
–– May have included some relatives.

Simon Pegg on Battling Alcoholism, Depression: "It Owned Me"
–– Brought down a Pegg.

Boys recused Monday were in better condition than those who came out Sunday
–– But cannot discuss in sworn testimony.

A Black Man Wore Socks in the Pool. After Calling the Police on Him, a Manager Got Fired.
–– Black sox scandal.

Prince Harry Gifted Meghan Markle a Super-Romantic Piece of Art
–– Black velvet painting of him as ginger Fabio.

Mitch McConnell Confronted By Protesters Asking: 'Where Are The Babies?'
–– After he ordered shrimps for dinner.

Sacha Baron Cohen Asks Dick Cheney To Sign A Waterboard Kit In New TV Show Teaser
–– His signature model?

Sarah Palin Claims 'Evil' Sacha Baron Cohen Duped Her into an Interview by Posing as a Disabled Vet
–– After 'evil' Alexa made her buy Royal Hiney Ultimate Ass-GASM Cockring Butt Plug (Gold).

From hopeful to concerned: Lobster industry hard hit by Trump trade war
–– Feeling pinched.

Toddler, 2, dies of self-inflicted gunshot with parents not home
–– Couldn’t bear life with neglectful parents.

Scott Pruitt’s Loophole for Glider Truck Manufacturers Faces Backlash
–– Backfires?

Ivanka Trump's Chinese-Made Products Conveniently Spared From Dad's Tariffs
–– He reserves right to lay private customs on her.

More than 200 hit by parasite from Del Monte vegetables; symptoms can include 'explosive' bowel movements
–– Del Montezuma’s revenge.

Why you might want to wrap your car key fob in foil
–– So it keeps for lunch the next day.

Starbucks is eliminating plastic straws from all stores
–– By adding more plastic to lids.

Trump at NATO summit: ‘Germany is totally controlled by Russia’
–– 'Ich bin there.'

Merkel responds to Trump: 'I have witnessed' Germany under Soviet control
–– Trump, 'Ahh, the days of that big, beautiful wall!'

John Kelly Was Upset With Breakfast, Not Trump, At NATO Summit, White House Claims
–– Bad eggs at table.

Trump claims to have forced Nato members to spend more, but fails to provide evidence
–– Also insists he got Merkel to pronounce first name Anjela.

Boris Johnson resigns in major Brexit blow to UK PM Theresa May
–– And major victory for British hairstylists.

Tab Hunter, ‘Damn Yankees’ Star and Gay Icon, Dies at 86
–– Delete Tab.

Giuliani ‘Close To Determining’ That Trump Won’t Sit Down With Mueller
–– Still not sure if they want to defend contempt charges?

Giuliani seems to say Trump asked Comey to give Michael Flynn 'a break'
–– Or his goons would give Comey's leg one.

Trump team not worried about Michael Cohen: 'As long as he tells the truth, we're home free': Giuliani
–– ‘Y’know home in the Big House.’

Emmanuelle Seigner, Roman Polanski's Wife, Rejects Invitation to Join the Academy
–– Expresses Repulsion.

Airbus unveils Beluga XL complete with whale-themed livery
–– Avoid seat under blowhole.

3 YouTube Travel Adventurers Die in Waterfall Accident in Canada
–– Needed RubberTube.

Every Episode of ‘Sharp Objects’ Will End With a Mental-Health PSA Urging Viewers to ‘Please Seek Help’
–– That’s En-ter-tain-ment!

Steve Bannon Called "Piece of Trash" By Heckler in Virginia Bookstore
–– Good read.

Trump’s lawyers want 'factual basis' from Mueller before agreeing to interview
–– Mueller wants same for his presidency.

As Haiti protests continue, US citizens warned to shelter in place
–– Haiti gonna hate.

GOP candidate in Kansas: 'Outside of Western civilization, there is only barbarism'
–– Standing in strip mall at Cirilla's Adult Entertainment Store between Flatland Vapes, Cash 2 Go down the road from Leavenworth Penitentiary.

New Bruce Lee bio debunks myths about the 'kung fu Jesus'
–– No wokking on the water.


PRUITT AWAKENING
Week of 07/06/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

EPA’s Scott Pruitt is gone, but the Trump adminstration’s culture of corruption remains
–– Poisoned fish rots from head.

Bill Shine officially joins Trump administration
–– Another bright idea.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Scott Pruitt ‘will go down in history books’ as ‘the worst’ EPA chief ever
–– Leave room on page for successor Wheeler.

Pruitt in resignation letter to Trump: You are president because of God’s providence
–– Jehovah's witless.

Thai Cave Rescue Will Be a Murky and Desperate Ordeal, Divers Say
–– Like last 18 months of Pruitt.

Politico: EPA intentionally delayed release of cancer study, officials say
–– Consistent with pro-growth agenda.

19 parents with kids under 5 have already been deported, Justice Department says
–– 'But kids told us how much they loved deportes.'

Donald Trump Boasts His Crowds Bigger Than Elton John’s Using Only Mouth “Hopefully Attached” To His “Brain”
–– Would never compare to Lil Rocket Man’s.

Trump at Montana rally: "Democrats want anarchy," mocks "Me Too" movement
–– Then why didn’t they vote for him?

Trump Assails Bush, Warren and #MeToo. Putin? ‘He’s Fine’
–– Not first time he got away with assailing bush.

Chrissy Teigen brands Donald Trump a 'dipsh*t' after he mocks the #MeToo movement
–– Ipse dipshit.

Man accused of tossing drink at pro-Trump teen inside Whataburger arrested
–– A MAGAhit.

'Trump Baby' balloon gets mayor's approval to fly over London during POTUS visit
–– Has one-tenth hot air of original.

Claude Lanzmann, Epic Chronicler of the Holocaust, Dies at 92
–– Shoah stopper.

Gudrun Burwitz, Ever-Loyal Daughter of Himmler, Is Dead at 88
–– Reunited with papa below.

Steve Ditko, Spider-Man Co-Creator and Legendary Comics Artist, Dies at 90
–– Steve did go.

Lions kill suspected rhino poachers who sneaked onto South African game reserve
–– Which qualifies as ‘feel-good story’ of week.

Anthony Bourdain worth only $1.21M at the time of his death
–– To really put life in perspective.

Chris Brown arrested moments after concert in Florida
–– Tough critics in West Palm.

Maker of Jack Daniel's worried about impact of trade war
–– Won’t it boost sales to stressed CEOs?

As Trade War Begins, Feds Eye $30 Billion Bailout Fund For Farmers Facing Losses
–– From their $34B tariff plan.

Fox News’ Brit Hume Deletes "Democrats Don’t Love America" Tweet After Backlash
–– Hume and cry.

Anti-Trump comedian Michelle Wolf compares Ivanka to 'vaginal mesh,' 'herpes' in vulgar attack on first daughter
–– Wolf at the whore.

Guy Pearce reflects on working with Kevin Spacey, calls him 'handsy'
–– Not in applause sense.

Andy Dick Gropes Ivanka Trump's Leg in Resurfaced 'Kimmel' Video
–– Handsy Andy.

James Woods Dropped by Agent Over Politics, Actor Says
–– Taken to Woods shed.

Analysis: After summit, Pompeo wants nuke details from Kim
–– Wasn’t that meant for before summit?

‘Ant-Man And The Wasp’ Bound To Swell To $155M+ Worldwide Start, But Could Grow Bigger
–– Depending on stinger.

Yvette Nicole Brown on Replacing Chris Hardwick at Comic-Con: ‘I Am Filling in for a Friend’
–– Like in All About Eve.

Woman Who Scaled Statue Of Liberty Was Protesting Trump's Immigration Policies
–– Your huddled asses yearning to be free.

2 weeks ago, half a bourbon warehouse collapsed. Now, the other half is down
–– Falling down drunk.

Houston streets flood after heavy rains, sparking memories of Harvey
–– Must they blame everything on Weinstein?

Injured woman begs bystanders not to call ambulance
–– Many still say, ‘You’re an ambulance.’

Woman, 92, allegedly killed son who wanted to put her in a nursing home
–– Does state pen have elder care wing?

Arnold Schwarzenegger mocks Trump on coal, asks if he'll bring back Blockbuster next
–– Or star at 70 in Terminator sequel.

Snoop Dogg invests $10 million in British weed company with Patrick Stewart
–– On drug Enterprise.

Bear relaxes in backyard, drinks a margarita
–– Then returns to hacking 2018 election.

UK reportedly tells Trump he cannot meet with Brexit architect Nigel Farage
–– Does UK still have sodomy laws?

Mexico’s president-elect shuns guards, asks 'people' for protection
–– Cartel bosses: ‘We’re people.’

‘This is what depression looks like': Viral post shows how difficult the little things are with depression
–– Shows NASA shot of North America.

What Has Donald Trump Refused to Throw Out the First Pitch During His Presidency?
–– What indeed.

‘Art Of The Deal’ Co-Author: Trump ‘Incapable Of Reading A Book, Much Less Writing One’
–– Could start burning one.

JK Rowling is mocking Trump for making a spelling error in a tweet boasting about his writing prowess
–– He’s Wizard of Id.

An Unusual Jailbird Is Found at Rikers Island: A Snowy Owl
–– Where Harry Potter’s doing time.

Bipartisan Senate Panel Gives Middle Finger to Devin Nunes
–– After removing from own ass.

Scott Pruitt 'asked government aide to find six-figure job for his wife', staffers claim
–– ‘Y’know more that $1000 and change. Now!’

Pruitt directly asked Trump to replace Sessions with him
–– Swap meatheads.

Official: Pruitt 'inching forward to the tipping point'
–– Like toxic ooze through drain pipe.

Michael Avenatti Says He Could Run for President Against Trump in 2020
–– Scaramucci for dog catcher.

Cable News Ratings: ‘Ingraham Angle’ Has Best Month to Date, MSNBC Grows in Total Viewers
–– Proving America loves car wreck.

When the 4th of July is on a Wednesday, your long weekend gets confusing
–– If you’re complete idiot.

Trump pledges July 9 announcement on Supreme Court nominee
–– Maybe we can extend July 4th holiday several years.

Sacha Baron Cohen Teases New Project With Trump Fourth of July Greeting
–– Trump: ‘Unfunny loser would be nothing without me. Steals everything, even my son’s name.’

Trump's Independence Day Speech Stresses America's "Win" Over Great Britain
–– “Surrender at Appomattox was sweet.”

Despite July 4 deadline, Giuliani says no decision on cooperation with Mueller
–– Another dud.

MLE Considering Electronic Scoring After Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Miscounts
–– That old Chestnut.

Soccer-Hotdog-munching trio in Russian garb unlikely stars of World Cup
–– Would be bigger if they downed 222 in ten minutes.

Trump asked advisers about invading Venezuela in 2017
–– Asked if US ever fought in Asia before.

For Trump and ‘Angel Families,’ a Mutually Beneficial Bond
–– Between heaven, hell.

Poland Purges Supreme Court, and Protesters Take to Streets
–– Used 100 kielbasi, 50 kilos of sauerkraut, 35 cases of vodka.

Top Chinese executive dies after falling from wall in France
— Not a great wall.

Barnes & Noble fires CEO for violating company policy
–– He books.

The government is refusing to release new stats on kids from separated families
–– DHS: ‘Like we even know.’

GOP Rep. Jim Jordan denies accusations he turned a blind eye to alleged sexual abuse
–– “Bull. I was positively gawking when Doc Strauss grabbed wrestlers’ junk.”

Congressman Jim Jordan rebuts claims he ignored sex abuse allegations
–– “Doc woulda ‘rebutted’ them wrestlers, too.”

US Customs Seizes 108 Fake Super Bowl Rings Being Shipped from Hong Kong
–– Ordered by NY Jets.

Jar Jar Binks Actor Says He Considered Suicide After 'Star Wars' Backlash
–– With jar jar of poison?

Senate panel agrees with intel community that Putin was trying to help Trump
–– House panel awaits president's tweet to reply.

Anti-Trump mood sways Mexican voters in U.S. in favor of Lopez Obrador
–– Making other countries great again, too.

Olivia de Havilland turns 102, outlives rest of ‘Gone with the Wind’ cast
–– Who are.

David Foster’s Daughter Erin, 35, Calls Katharine McPhee, 34, 'Mommy' After Engagement News
–– Calls father ‘Creepy’.

Daredevil’s Charlie Cox STILL Hasn’t Seen Infinity War
–– Duh, he’s blind!

Trump Orders Flags to Half-Staff for Capital Gazette Victims, in Apparent Reversal
–– Ironic because lowering standards his specialty.

Trump: I've interviewed 4 potential justices
–– With 2 questions: ‘How do you like hair?’, ’Can I pardon myself?’

Trump completes interviews of Supreme Court candidates, as short-list shrinks
–– To moral midgets who’d do his bidding.

Morning Spin: Emanuel says departing Supreme Court Justice Kennedy not 'a modern-day King Solomon'
–– He’d chop up baby either way.

Justice Clarence Thomas leading the US supreme court? A scary thought
–– Using sign language?

Susan Collins, Pivotal Moderate, Says ‘Hostility’ to Roe Would Sway Her Vote
–– Wades into it.

Schumer urges Trump to tap Merrick Garland for Supreme Court
–– Breaks Vegas trying to calculate astronomical odds against.

Alan Dershowitz is firing back over his ‘shunning’ on Martha’s Vineyard
–– Claims Black Dog purposely shat on lawn.

Trump Has a Bill That Would Blow Up the WTO. It’s Called the U.S. FART Act.
–– Whiffed on deal.

Roseanne Barr Says She's Been Offered 'So Many' Projects Since Being Fired From 'Roseanne' Reboot
–– But preferred not wearing hood while performing.

Dutch Prime Minister Mark Rutte Tells Off Trump Right To His Face
–– Now he’s in Rutte.

After fish pedicure, woman loses her toenails
–– Should’ve known fish don’t have feet.

CO2 Shortage Puts Beer Supplies In Danger Until September
–– Brewers not feeling pressure.

Experts say algae is the food of the future. Here's why.
–– Experts suck.

Philippines mayor Antonio Halili shot dead by sniper, police chief says
–– Head’s out.

Second Philippine mayor shot dead in two days
–– Two heads better than one.

Netflix Is No. 1 Choice for TV Viewing, Beating Broadcast, Cable and YouTube (Study)
–– Stream of consciousness.

Trump Administration Reverses Obama on Affirmative Action
–– New policy: Negative Inaction.

Republican Congressman Says Rod Rosenstein Is Spying On Him And His Staff Without Providing Any Proof
–– Gohmert says he can feel his eyes ‘all over me’ when changing in House gym locker room.

TNT Renews 'Animal Kingdom' and Claws'
–– Needs series based on ‘Jaws.’

A cruise ship crew member falls overboard -- and is rescued 22 hours later by another cruise ship
–– In outline for plot of sequel to Overboard remake.

The $6.3 trillion debt binge: American companies have never owed this much
–– Crossing red sea.

Tesla finally hits Elon Musk's target for the Model 3
–– Convincing enough insecure monied weenies to buy it.

Madeleine Albright calls Trump 'most undemocratic president in modern American history'
–– Unless you count co-President Putin.

Cohen says his loyalty is first to family and country, not Trump
–– And own ass.

Michael Cohen: "I Am Not a Villain of This Story"
–– You could be our hero.

Michael Cohen drops Trump attorney label on Twitter
–– Replaces with more accurate ‘Mob Mouthpiece.’

“Stuttering John" Melendez Talks Prank-Calling Trump, "Secret Service" Visit and Why He Called Michael Avenatti
–– Needs a-a-a-t-tention.

Neighbor calls police on a 12-year-old boy for mowing the wrong lawn
–– Sod ‘er.

’Orange Is The New Black' Actress Tearfully Recalls Being Separated From Family at D.C. Immigration Rally
–– Found them at Starbucks 20 mins. later.

At Toys ‘R’ Us, ‘There Is Nothing Left’: The Day It Closed for Good
–– Geoffrey the Giraffe found safe after failed hanging attempt. Not enough rope.

As Bolton Says North Korea Could Disarm in a Year, Reality Lags Promises
–– Reality full-on trolling efforts.

Bolton: Trump will discuss election meddling with Putin
–– If you can call joking discussing.

U.S. softens North Korea approach as Pompeo prepares for more nuclear talks
–– Any softer and negotiations will occur on Casper mattress.

Trump brashly declares: 'If not for me, we would now be at War with North Korea!'
–– ‘I single-handedly stopped that madman who rules US!’

Shark drags woman into crocodile-infested waters in Australia
–– Didn’t see ‘Don’t Feed the Sharks, Stupid’ sign.

Donald Trump says Democrats want to see 'all police' abolished in early morning Twitter rant
–– Not until after his perp walk.

Restaurant manager sacked after refusing to serve customer in MAGA hat
–– Brimming with anger.

GOP senator: Report that North Korea will not denuclearize 'very troubling'
–– Or ‘totally predictable.’

Trump: Critics ‘Better Just Take It Easy’
–– ‘Or I’ll sic Jared on you!’

‘Smiling’ Somali Pirate Says Jailers Have Ruined His Grin
–– Or was it well-endowed fellow inmates?

Trump claims he never pressured House GOP on immigration bill, despite tweeting otherwise
–– Even he doesn’t believe own BS.

Indians reliever Oliver Perez made history without throwing a single pitch
–– Walk us through that.

Obama: Pelosi will be Speaker again after November midterms
–– Because Democrats really are masochists.

Kevin Feige Explains Why Marvel Studios Expanded to 3 Films Per Year
–– By sending link to Box Office Mojo.

Did Avengers 4’s Cinematographer Accidentally Reveal The Title?
–– Body later found with Stormbreaker marks to head.

Morrissey postpones European tour dates amid dispute over racism claims
–– Fans depressed. Habitually.

Trump's on a hot streak: Court rulings, vacancy, summit plan
–– Leading straight to Hell.

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