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DEAD ON A RIFLE
Week of 02/23/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

School Shooting Town Hall Attendees Screamed "Burn Her," NRA's Dana Loesch Claims at CPAC
–– At least check to see if she floats first.

Sheriff to NRA spokeswoman: I'm calling BS
–– Bob Saget? Britney Spears?

NRA chief accuses Democrats of pushing ‘socialist’ agenda in wake of Florida shooting
–– LaPierre: ‘Better dead than Red!’

NRA spokesperson: 'Insane monster' shouldn't have been able to get a firearm
–– Like LaPierre?

‘How dare you': CNN's Camerota clashes with NRA's Loesch over her claim that media 'love' mass shootings
–– ‘We just love the ratings.’

Michael Steele addresses CPAC official's 'painfully stupid' comment about race
–– The nerve of Steele!

Martin Shkreli got buff in prison
–– buff’s an amorous 6’6” ex-tight end.

Trump Says Kelly Will Decide on Kushner’s Security Clearance
–– After ensuring loyalty to Putin.

Trump Blames Video Games for Mass Killings. Researchers Do Not.
–– Call of doody.

Jane Seymour poses for Playboy, shares #MeToo moment
–– Henry VIII hit on her repeatedly before marrying.

Islands Not Sinking: Climate Change Demonstrated to Be a Hoax
–– People growing shorter, wetter.

IHOP and Applebee's are closing a ton of locations in 2018, and millennials are partly to blame
–– Stuck-up snot-noses dare to have taste.

Trump aide shocked after being billed by military for flight on Air Force One
–– Or be dropped over destination.

Bernie Sanders Mirrors Trump, Blames Hillary Clinton for Not Combatting Russian Meddling, Denies It Helped His Campaign
–– Comrade Bernie colluded with defunct KGB.

Millie Bobby Brown runs around a barn in new Calvin Klein campaign
–– We’ve seen stranger things.

Coal plants now shutting down faster under Trump than Obama
–– Taking their lumps.

Emma González Shares Why “Baldies Get the Job Done” With an Empowering Twitter Video
–– Buzz cut.

Inside the Trump-endorsed marriage of Mike Pence, who calls his wife 'mother' and refuses to dine with other women
–– Melania calls Donald ‘muthafucker’, refuses to sleep with other women.

Woman temporarily paralyzed after a sit-up accident at the gym. Are you in danger too?
–– If you take lying down.

Brendan Fraser Blames Career Woes in Part on 2003 Groping Accusation Against Former HFPA President
–– ‘Treated my ass like a pair of Golden Globes.’

Yet another way Obama’s spies apparently exploited the Trump ‘dossier’
–– Not at all.

“This Is Kelly’s Way of Saying, ‘It’s Me or Jared’”: Inside the West Wing, Security Clearance-gate Is Getting Uglier by the Day
–– Trump: ‘OK, General, I’ll hug you today, Jared tomorrow.’

Vanderpump Rules Star Lala Kent Believes Tupac 'Took Over' Her Body After His Death
–– To Shakur up.

Joe Jonas' Dad Says His Fiancée Sophie Turner 'Already' Feels Like a Daughter
–– Particularly around hips, rump.

’I’ve never been so unimpressed by a person in my life': Parkland shooting survivor delivers a biting critique of her phone call with Trump
–– And she went to school with Nikolas Cruz.

Trump says armed school officer in Parkland didn't 'love the children'
–– Loved own ass more.

Armed officer at Florida school who failed to confront gunman 'believed he did a good job'
–– ‘I did what I believe our President would do.’

New kind of rockets that cause fires are raining down on Syrians in Ghouta
–– Not so Ghouta.

Kendra Wilkinson Baskett and husband ‘having issues’
–– She’s total Baskett case.

Trump says he’s thinking about pulling ICE from California
–– ‘Ducks, Kings and Sharks all stink.’

South Koreans call for skaters to be booted from games
–– Booters wearing blades.

US men shock Canada in curling, reach gold medal game
–– Have much wavier dos.

Astronaut: Trump's plan for the space station a huge mistake
–– Luxury condos for spacemen ‘ridiculous.’

Missouri governor indicted over nude photo
–– It is Show Me State.

Texas superintendent vows to suspend students who walk out to protest guns
–– From nooses.

Ford’s president of North America is out over 'inappropriate behavior'
–– Caught in offender bender.

Roseanne Returns: Is TV Ready for a Trump-Loving Comic With "Nothing Left to Prove"?
–– Or will Trump win in ’20?

Billy Graham, whose 'matchless voice changed the lives of millions,' dies at 99
–– Heavenly choir buys ear plugs.

Mueller charges lawyer with lying about interaction with Rick Gates
–– Gates crasher.

American Who Stole Terracotta Warrior's Thumb Must Be 'Severely Punished', China Says
–– Suggests thumbscrews.

Clarence Thomas, in Dissent, Asserts Gun Rights Aren't 'Favored' at High Court
–– In descent.

Queen Elizabeth II sits next to Anna Wintour at London Fashion Week show
–– Seems warm, cuddly for first time in life.

Pro-Trump Journalist Defends His Hit Piece on Florida Shooting Survivors: ‘It’s Disgusting to Watch’
–– Pro-Trump jounalist: oxymoron and plain moron.

Trump moves to ban 'bump stocks' 4 months after Las Vegas shooting
–– Thinks it has something to do with trading strip club shares on stock market.

Fergie Comments on National Anthem Performance: I 'Honestly Tried My Best'
–– Sad, but we believe you.

Limbaugh: ‘We need concealed carry’ in schools
–– Up yours.

Rush Limbaugh Thinks Undocumented Immigrants Should Get Citizenship But Not Vote For 15-25 Years
–– Same rule for senile dope addicts.

Trump Spent His Sunday Night Watching ‘60 Minutes’ And Hate-Tweeting About Oprah
–– Over bucket of KFC, pile of old Juggs magazines.

Piers Morgan Rips ‘Shameless Old Fraud’ John Oliver
–– Piers out of nowhere.

Farting Passenger Forces Plane To Make Emergency Landing
–– After oxygen masks fail.

GOP congressional candidate defends AR-15 giveaway
–– ‘I mean we only included one clip.’

Mets GM Sandy Alderson Predicts Tim Tebow 'Will Play in the Major Leagues'
–– If that’s what you call what’s going on in Flushing.

Who Is This Horny Person ‘Sleeping Around With Everybody’ in the White House, According to Omarosa?
–– PENUS?

Revel in the Beauty of Nathan Chen’s Historic Six-Quad Skating Routine
–– IOC issues him Everyone’s a Winner loving cup.

Trump Joins Mar-a-Lago Disco Party After Visiting Survivors Of School Shooting
–– Le Freak.

Mike Pence's Beliefs Are Clear: Same-Sex Marriage Leads To 'Societal Collapse'
–– But not as fast as Trumpism.

’3 Billboards In Florida' Troll Marco Rubio Over School Shooting
–– Ebbing misery.

Ashley Graham embraces cellulite in a string bikini for SI's swimsuit issue
–– Plays a haunch.

Former double agent: Trump White House like ‘bad SNL skit’
–– Or ‘SNL skit’.

Melania Trump's Tweet About 'Random Acts Of Kindness Day' Didn't Go Over Well
–– Rest of year for bullying, brutalization.

This Isn’t What the Tea Party Fought For
–– Is what they deserve.

Orrin Hatch apologizes to Rob Porter's ex-wives
–– After laying egg.

Trump Blames Obama and Democrats for Failing to Stop Russian Meddling
–– ‘Why couldn’t they stop me before…I…kill…again?!’

Trump: 'They are laughing their asses off in Moscow' over how US handled Russia investigations
–– ‘The ones I kissed.’

U.S. still unsure who directed Syria attack, despite Russian dead
–– Will decide day Trump leaves office.

Breitbart 'Black Panther' Review Sparks Outrage for Trump Comparison
–– More like White Panzer.

Lindsey Vonn Responds to Trump Trolls After Super-G Loss
–– Downhill all the way.

Mueller tells a compelling story of Russian intrigue that was designed to elect Trump
–– The Prince and the Puppet.

Donald Trump Uses Florida School Massacre As Excuse To Attack FBI’s Russia Probe
–– And need for round of therapy golf.

Trump Branded 'Psychopath' After Blaming FBI's Russia Probe for Failure to Investigate Florida Shooting Tip
–– Crazy bastards offended.

Sanders says Trump wasn't blaming Florida shooting on FBI Russia investigation
–– ‘He just all like said it. People don’t mean nothin’ when they all just sayin’ it.’

Concern grows within Pentagon about Trump's proposed parade
–– And insistence he wear Moammar Qaddafi's old uniform.

Pro-Trump, Straight-Only Dating Site Launched for Singles or the Unhappily Married
–– Pay-off gift certificates available in $5K increments.


C***TS UPON A MATTRESS
Week of 02/16/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Stormy Daniels Says Trump Lawyer Breached Agreement, So She's Free To Talk
–– Feels like ball gag’s been removed.

Trump: 'I'm totally opposed to domestic violence'
–– File under ‘Oh, Really?’.

Mueller: Russians entered U.S. to plot election meddling
–– Full meddle junket.

Stormy Daniels' manager says the porn star 'is going to tell her story'
–– You can spit out or swallow.

Mueller indicts 13 Russian nationals over 2016 election interference
–– Avoids crack in pavement, sidesteps black cat, throws pinch of salt over shoulder.

Kelly issues memo changing security clearance process in wake of Porter scandal
–– Staff wives' security needs to be clear.

Apple employees are reportedly walking into walls at the company’s fancy new glass office
–– There’s no app for that.

Grandmother died after surgeons mistakenly drilled her skull. Her family won’t get a penny.
–– For her thoughts?

Lisa Marie Presley Says She's $16 Million in Debt
–– Practicing Jailhouse Rock.

Elvis Presley’s Watch to Hit the Auction Block
–– Lisa Marie not bidding.

Dog foods pulled from shelves nationwide after investigation finds euthanasia drug
–– Had tagline ‘For when you want him to roll over and play dead.’

Report: Trump had affair with Playboy Playmate, used 'elaborate system' to hide it
–– No Miss October Surprise.

Ruud Lubbers, Former Dutch Prime Minister, Is Dead at 78
–– Advocated luud rubbers.

Trump’s Inaugural Committee Paid $26 Million to Firm of First Lady’s Adviser
–– FLOTUS a loan.

Jeffrey Tambor Officially Departs ‘Transparent’
–– Disappears.

House panel weighs contempt if Bannon fails to show for Thursday hearing
–– Will need truck scale to measure his.

Mnuchin’s wife says she's 'super duper' sorry
–– She really is living in ‘50s.

Goldie Hawn says her sexual harassment experience will 'top all of them'
–– Expected to inspire new Oscars category.

LeBron James Responds to Fox News Host Saying 'Shut Up and Dribble'
–– Better adivice for Ingraham's incontinenet patron Trump.

Riding an Untamed Horse: Priebus Opens Up on Serving Trump
–– Or riding jackass.

Judge Tosses Playboy's Lawsuit Over Links to Centerfold Photos
–– Airbrushed off.

Disjointed’ Canceled After One Season at Netflix
–– Roach clipped.

The search for aliens is struggling thanks to cryptocurrency mania
–– Splitting loons’ interests.

The Parkland shooting is now among the 10 deadliest mass shootings in modern US history
–– Don’t headlines like this just give sick bastards something to shoot for?

Parkland, where the school shooting occurred, was named Florida's safest city last year
–– Try to fit in ‘Ironic’ file which is bursting at seams.

Trump points to missed signs in Parkland shooting
–– Gun nuts always blame mental health.

16 US children hospitalized with gunshot wounds each day, study says
–– NRA: ‘Sure they’re not bug bites?’

Congress is moving forward with its new “guns everywhere” proposal
–– Still not enough dead students for Republicans.

NY Post cover on Florida school shooting: 'Mr. President, please act'
–– Hasn't he been pretending up till now?

Sessions orders review after FBI says it missed Parkland tip
–– If you see something, say something, they’ll do nothing.

Nikolas Cruz, Florida Shooting Suspect, Showed ‘Every Red Flag’
–– FBI colorblind.

Trump Suggests Florida Students Could Have Done More To Prevent Deadly Shooting
–– Duck.

We Can't Have A Debate About Guns If Liberals Keep Lying About Them
–– Yeah, like insisting they kill people.

A single atom is visible to the naked eye in this stunning photo
–– Check it out, perv.

The Air Force's 'rods from god' could hit with the force of a nuclear weapon — with no fallout
–– God demands military leave rod alone.

US intelligence agencies warn buyers to avoid Huawei smartphones
–– Suggest 2 egg drop soup cans attached with ramen noodle instead.

Shaun White apologizes for letting American flag drag on ground following gold medal win
–– Was halfpipes after winning event.

Piers Morgan says Omarosa offered him sex, called him homophobic slur while on 'Celebrity Apprentice'
–– Does ‘go fuck yourself’ qualify as come-on?

Obama’s Portrait Shows Elitist ‘Slavery Pedophilia,' Infowars Reporter Claims
–– Reporter’s claim shows moronist ‘Klan Onanism.’

Bristol Palin's Husband Dakota Meyer Has Reportedly Filed For Divorce After 1.5 Years Of Marriage
–– In line for Silver Star.

A Lufthansa passenger filmed a 'demonic' child screaming for 8 hours on a flight — and people are horrified
–– Little Damian will make sure nice lady’s next flight’s extremely short.

How in the hell was he still employed?' Gowdy launches congressional investigation into Porter scandal
–– Trump WH is hell.

Body Goes Missing From Funeral Home — and Family's Lawyers Blame Employee Who Was 'Into Satan'
–– Poor Devil gets almost as much blame as Trump.

Gowdy: 'I like jobs where facts matter'
–– ‘The ones I make up.’

Trump suggests 25 cent increase in gas tax, senator says
–– First sensible suggestion should disappear before you finish reading this.

Pence on Kim Jong Un's sister: I ignored her
–– ‘Because she’s a woman and my dear wife wasn’t present.’

EPA chief Scott Pruitt says first-class travel is for security purposes
–– So many pointless jet flights is just to befoul air.

Stormy Daniels Says Trump Lawyer Breached Agreement, So She's Free To Talk
–– Feels like ball gag’s been removed.

Stormy Daniels' manager says the porn star 'is going to tell her story'
–– You can spit out or swallow.

Trump’s lawyer admits he paid a porn star. Legal questions remain.
–– To not fuck his boss.

Richard Branson 'a little jealous' of Musk
–– Musk tweets: ‘Lil’ Richard can only dream of getting one off like Falcon Heavy. Sad.’

Prince Henrik of Denmark dies, refused to be buried next to his queen
–– Or next to her with ear plugs.

Education Department says it is no longer investigating transgender bathroom complaints
–– Got off that pot.

Heart Stents Are Useless for Most Stable Patients. They’re Still Widely Used.
–– Obstentsibly.

At 34 per cent, Trump sets record for White House staff turnover
–– 2 turds remain.

White House wants to deliver food to the poor, Blue Apron-style
–– Every package will include special sauce of humiliation.

Gunmaker Remington says it will file for bankruptcy
–– Ghosts of 1000s of innocent victims: ‘Boo-hoo.’

Trump admin wants to slash funding for diplomacy
–– Until someone explains to President what it even is.

Rep. Brooks: Budget is a debt junkie's dream
–– Dead junkie’s, too.

Botox Moves Beyond The Face To Neck, Chest, Calves & More
–– To brain, apparently.

Why would Hope Hicks risk going to jail for the Trump administration?
–– Someone so smart, candid, independent?

Natalie Portman is Open to Returning to MCU as Jane Foster
–– Latest films have been too entertaining.

Awful New Details About The Mall Santa Who Turned Out To Be A Serial Killer Arrested For Murdering Multiple People
–– Not all naughty.

Jeremy Vine criticised after calling ‘Black Panther’ cast “overwhelmingly black”
–– Showed bias towards accuracy.

The perverse fawning over brutal Kim Jong-un’s sister at the Olympics
–– Snowboarders doing back-flips.

Luis Bracamontes Vows 'to Kill More Cops Soon' After Being Convicted in Murders of 2 Officers
–– ‘Soon’ means next life to crazy bastards.

’Altered Carbon’ is more than just a 'Blade Runner’ ripoff
–– Steals from Futurama, too.

Rodent from hell: They weigh 20 pounds, breed like rabbits – and they're on the move
–– On Rascal Scooters!

Professor caught saying he wouldn't mind seeing Trump 'dead'
–– Didn't actually need to see body.

Steve Bannon Said He 'Didn't Want To Be A Wet Nurse For A 71-Year-Old' As He Left White House, Author Claims
–– Did have breasts for it.

Waitress stiffed a tip on a $735 takeout order, then fired after she complained on Facebook
–– Received priceless tip on using social media.

Michael Haneke Says #MeToo Movement Leads to ‘Man-Hating Puritanism’
–– From expert human-hater.

Trump may be the most anti-women US President ever
–– At least since 19th Amendment.

Trump to unveil infrastructure plan
–– Completely jerry-built.

Box Office: ‘Fifty Shades Freed’ to Top ‘Peter Rabbit,’ ‘The 15:17 to Paris’
–– We hear Peter prefers it on bottom.

Trump, Saying ‘Mere Allegation’ Ruins Lives, Appears to Doubt #MeToo Movement
–– Provides Rob Porter-style slap in face.

Kim Jong-un Invites South Korean Leader to North for Summit Meeting
–– Tells him to wait at DMZ, soldiers will yank across.

Trump tweets argument that he's been 'victimized' by Obama administration
–– Thinks they still have offices in WH sub-basement.

Donald Trump believes the men. Always. Unless they're Democrat
–– Because those aren’t real men.

Meghan McCain sees 'a lot of gray' with Trump voters and their views
–– ‘Mostly on old fools’ heads.’

George R.R. Martin Confirms There Will Only Be 7 Game of Thrones Books
–– After busily not writing eighth entry for several years.

The moment when the Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un impersonators were escorted back to their seats
–– All downhill from there.

Donald Trump Jr mocked for promoting Trump-branded teddy bear as Valentine’s Day present
–– Trumpy Bear can say ‘I love you’ in 52 uniquely creepy ways.

Donald Glover Gave ‘Black Panther’ Script Notes to Ryan Coogler and Is Thanked in the Credits
–– Worked hand-in-Glover.

GOP Leaders Unveil Revamped Pennsylvania Congressional Map
–– Looks like it was drawn by Phillie Phanatic.

Why men like John Kelly do nothing when abuse allegations surface
–– Turns them on.

Dozens of Trump officials still lack full security clearance
–– Except from FSB.


PORTER AIL
Week of 02/09/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

White House aide's ex-wife details alleged abuse
–– “I felt like U.S. over past year.’

Omarosa: 'I was haunted by tweets every single day'
–– ‘Birds in my head wouldn’t shut up.’

John Kelly Is ‘Shocked’ by Porter Abuse Allegations, Which the White House Already Knew About
–– ‘I am shocked—shocked—to find a coverup going on in here!’

Trump on Rob Porter: 'We wish him well ... He did a good job'
–– ‘I mean that shiner was a beaut.’

John Kelly’s credibility is at risk after defending aide accused of domestic violence
–– He’s still credible as Trump’s amoral thug.

Trump staffer Hope Hicks' reported office romance holds an important lesson for dating coworkers
–– Stay away from wife-beaters.

Trump White House Fingered Corey Lewandowski in Rob Porter ‘Smear Campaign’
–– This is getting kinky.

White House Speechwriter Resigns Amid Abuse Accusations
–– Another member of Trump Swat Team.

Trump won't declassify Democratic memo, sends back to committee
–– Feared it was riddled with accuracies.

Ex-SEAL who says he fired final bin Laden shot calls Trump's military parade 'third-world b-------'
–– Trump: “I like SEALs who fire first shot. Anyone can fire final shot. Sad.”

Johnny Weir, Tara Lipinski Throw Enough Olympic Shade To Keep The Ice Frozen
–– Two cold snaps up!

How 'Cheddar Man' flips British identity
–– And cheeses off Brexiters.

Anger rises from left as DACA left out of budget deal again
–– Dream on.

New Mexico Newspaper Apologizes for Cartoon Portraying ‘Dreamers’ as Muggers
–– And, even worse, as future Democrats!

Pelosi Held House Floor in Advocacy of ‘Dreamers’ for More Than 8 Hours
–– Almost convincing DACA amnesty recipients to leave.

Why Border Patrol agents can board a bus or train and ask if you're a citizen
–– Trump, duh.

The Dow has just shed 2,800 points in 9 sessions as stock-market enters correction phase
–– Can finally fit in that two-piece again.

What happened to the Tesla that Elon Musk shot into space?
–– Being driven by xenomorph around Mars.

Pence keeps lying about supporting ex-gay therapy as his feud with gay Olympian escalates
–– Even as he keeps trying to get him to switch to ice hockey.

Richard Pryor's widow confirms he slept with Marlon Brando: report
–– Rehearsing Tango butter scene.

Richard Pryor’s Daughter Dismisses Claim He Had Sex With Marlon Brando
–– Oddfather Part II.

Hulu Lost $920 Million in 2017, After Parents Invested $1 Billion
–– Hulu oops.

Family Sues Starbucks After Finding Blood on 2-Year-Old's Drink
–– At Transylvania location.

Yu Darvish reportedly has five offers on the table. What does that mean?
–– Five teams want him to play for them?

Principal charged for not reporting kids snapping sex acts
–– Six-year-olds. Really.

Student says she flushed emotional support hamster down the toilet at Spirit Airlines' suggestion
–– Pebbles actually jumped just to get away from her.

Trump administration reportedly drafting rules to target immigrants who use food stamps
–– Especially blind, developmentally-challenged deaf in wheelchairs.

George W. Bush: There's 'Clear Evidence Russians Meddled' in US Election
–– If he can see it …

Why Does Vladimir Putin Avoid Smartphones?
–– Avoids anything smarter than him.

Man accuses California #MeToo leader of sexual misconduct
–– Has her on the gropes.

Last 2 members of ISIS foursome dubbed 'The Beatles' nabbed in Syria
–– Hey Jihad, don’t make it bad.

Mom Says Daycare Workers Waxed Her Child's Eyebrows: 'They Had No Right to Touch My Daughter'
–– Or her eyebrow.

Cartoonish sketch was not a joke, police say — and it led them to a suspect
–– Bazooka Joe charged in robbery.

Cramer blames this week's crazy market on a 'group of complete morons' out speculating
–– Mnuchin & company?

Chicago is bracing for its biggest snow since 2015
–– Once in a century-minus-97-years event!

Is Donald Trump going bald? Viral video exposes harsh reality of hair loss
–– Or is toxic brain rejecting follicles?

We took a scientific look at whether weed or alcohol is worse for you — and there appears to be a winner
–– But we were too shit-faced to name it.

Thousands sign petition to remove judge who sentenced blind child rapist to probation
–– We don’t see it.

White House tell agencies to prepare for shutdown as Rand Paul holds up key vote
–– Paul Ryan prepares to tackle him on floor, rebreak ribs.

Clash with witness shows Nunes' drive to discredit dossier
–– Plans to attach his name to it.

A Korean Olympic Dilemma: Do Hockey Sticks Violate U.N. Sanctions?
–– Only if North Koreans break over South Korean heads.

Defensive US military strikes kill 100 pro-regime forces in Syria
–– It’s Assad rain gonna fall, babe.

Air Force Academy mismanaged sexual assault program, Pentagon says
–– Didn’t pass with flying colors.

Former Pope Benedict XVI says he's preparing for 'Home'
–– Der Vaterland.

Hockney: An encounter with the world's most popular artist
–– David hackneyed.

Biden on Trump 'treasonous' remark: 'He's a joke'
–– Are our high-pitched, hysterical cries laughter?

Biden: Trump should avoid Mueller interview, has 'difficulty with precision'
–– Like mohel with hatchet.

Trump Wants Pentagon To Stage Military Parade Down Pennsylvania Avenue
–– Then occupy Congress, Supreme Court.

Tronc selling Los Angeles Times to investor Patrick Soon-Shiong
–– Junk in the Tronc.

GOP congressman: Democrats disrespected Trump during SOTU, Republicans were right to heckle Obama
–– 'I could hear them thinking 'You Lie!'

John Kelly: Some Would Say DACA-Eligible Immigrants Who Didn’t Sign Up Were ‘Too Lazy to Get Off Their Asses’
–– Some being bigots among us.

Nunes: Fine, the FBI Didn’t Lie, But Its Font Was Too Small
–– ‘I never read anything tinier than 72-pt headline.’

Poland’s president says he will sign controversial Holocaust bill
–– The Duda abides.

France bans smartphone use in cars even when you pull over
–– Unless car overturned in ditch.

Why is Israel expelling thousands of African refugees?
–– Netanyahu trying to impress crush Trump.

Body found buried in concrete leads to man’s murder case
–– Chip off old block.

Woman in custody after no hostages found inside Miami nightclub/restaurant, police say
–– Just customers waiting long time for takeout orders.

The Surprising Reason Kate Middleton Never Takes Off Her Coat in Public
–– Handlers didn’t teach her how.

Sarah Silverman and Michael Sheen call it quits after four years: 'It got hard'
–– Finally?

Kate Beckinsale Gives Sarah Silverman M&M's with Mutual Ex Michael Sheen's Face on Them
–– And tallywhacker on M&M's Peanut.

Donald Trump Jr. Apparently Doesn't Think His Dad's Actions Qualify As 'Real Racism'
–– ‘He just plays one on TV.’

Trump slams Schiff as ‘one of the biggest liars and leakers in Washington’
–– ‘After me.’

Trump’s 'Little Adam Schiff' Insult Has People Worried He's 'Losing His Touch'
–– Tiny Trump.

Duckworth calls out 'Cadet Bone Spurs' after Trump's 'treasonous' remark
–– That's how you call out heel.

Philly Police Scanner Reveals Horrific Scenes in Philadelphia As Fans Riot After Super Bowl Victory
–– Phillie Phanatic taken into custody.

Black Lives Matter: Philadelphia Super Bowl Riots Reaction ‘Glaring Example of White Privilege’
–– Can’t we burn cars without media getting all judgy?

CNN Host Tells Holocaust-Denying Congress Candidate: 'You'll Go Down In Flames'
–– “As some very fine people sometimes do.’

$560M Powerball winner refuses to claim prize as she fights for anonymity
–– Can buy it afterwards.

Yup. Sean Hannity Found A Way To Blame Obama For The Stock Market Drop
–– And his fist-sized anal tumor.

Source: Bannon not expected to appear before House Intel Tuesday despite subpoena
–– Subpenis.

Elon Musk: Falcon Heavy will be a ‘great rocket launch or the best fireworks display’
–– Will he set off with flamethrower?

FEMA Contract Called for 30 Million Meals for Puerto Ricans. 50,000 Were Delivered.
–– But they were hearty.

New York Times: Trump lawyers worried he could get caught lying to Mueller
–– If he watched him on TV for more than five minutes.

Quentin Tarantino Breaks Silence on Uma Thurman Crash
–– Yells ‘Ka-boom!’ as he claps hands together.

‘Black Panther’s’ Grassroots Marketing Movement Is Unlike Any Other Marvel Movie
–– Savannah

‘Black Panther' gets first bad review for dumbest reason imaginable
–– Someone’s opinion.

Apple’s HomePod Has Arrived. Don’t Rush to Buy It.
–– Totally waste money on Echo or Home first.

Investigators say Robert Wagner's story on Natalie Wood's death doesn't 'add up'
–– Doesn’t hold water.

I have been dogging in secret for years. Should I tell my wife?
–– That bitch?

Nunes may be recognized as ‘hero’, Trump says
–– Only by ‘villain’.

Donald Trump attacks the UK's health service, and Britain hits back
–– Trump: 'They don't even know their physician's name. Like, it's Dr. Who?'

Boy’s skull pierced with screw in treehouse-building accident
–– Dad always told him to keep head on straight.

Sunday’s Super Bowl is expected to be the coldest ever
–– Are teams playing in heated stadium’s parking lot?

MMA Fighter Knocks Himself Out 83 Seconds into Fight
–– Trainer’s last words: ‘Knock yourself out.’

Janet Jackson Confirms She Will Not Appear in Super Bowl Halftime Show
–– Timberlake to expose Belichick’s right nipple.

Arizona Man Is Charged With Making Armor-Piercing Bullets Found in Las Vegas Gunman’s Room
–– For purely recreational purposes.

Archaeologists in Egypt Discover 4,400-Year-Old Tomb
–– Mummy deadest.

Lasers Reveal a Maya Civilization So Dense It Blew Experts’ Minds
–– As if with lasers.

An Artist Wants to Build a U.F.O. Next to Edvard Munch’s Studio
–– Oughta be scream.

Pink’s Super Bowl National Anthem Reportedly Jeopardized by Flu
–– Go breathe on Brady.

Lady Gaga cancels final tour dates due to 'severe pain'
–– Concertgoers can relate.

Listed as missing, California woman found on 'The Bachelor'
–– Have to be lost to appear on show.

Trump tweets that memo 'totally vindicates' him in Russia probe
–– Another multi-syllable word he doesn’t know definition of.

Donald Trump thinks not clapping for him is 'treasonous'
–– See above.


HIGH NUNES
Week of 02/02/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Disputed GOP-Nunes memo released
–– Egested.

U.S. ‘taking steps’ to prevent future Russian election interference, Haley says
–– Do The Hustle.

Devin Nunes: We’re Now on ‘Phase Two’ of the Investigation
–– ‘#2 will include even bigger dump.’

The Key Players In Trump’s ‘Deep State’ Conspiracy Theory Are All Republicans
–– Trump rules 'Shallow State'.

Rick Wilson Scoffs at Memo Hype: ‘People Laughing at Devin Nunes Like He’s Tommy Wiseau’
–– 'Donald, you're tearing us apart!'

Sen. John McCain On Nunes Memo Release: ‘We Are Doing Putin’s Job For Him’
–– Well, he’s paid enough.

Tomi Lahren Apologizes for Calling Joe Kennedy III a ‘Little Limp D–‘
–– Softens stance.

KT McFarland withdraws nomination to be US ambassador to Singapore
–– KT did.

Trump fans go ballistic on Trey Gowdy after he says the Nunes memo doesn’t discredit the Mueller probe
–– Curt Gowdy.

MSNBC anchors stunned after GOP strategist Rick Wilson says Nunes memo ‘came off like a fart in a hurricane’
–– Wafted in all our faces.

Jamie Dornan Wore A 'Wee-Bag' When Filming Fifty Shades Freed
–– Little old lady loved it.

Father lunges at Larry Nassar in court before being restrained
–– Doesn’t stick landing.

How White Supremacy Forgot the Women
–– Yeah, where were Nazi Feminists?

Piercing Tongues and ‘Intimate’ Parts Is Banned in Wales for Those Under 18
–– Will hear fewer wales.

Hawaii official who sent false missile alert has been fired
–– Recruited as U.S. Good Will Ambassador to North Korea.

Teen arrested for hurling bleach on pickle juice-throwing attacker in Queens high school
–– Dilliberate assault.

‘Weasels and liars': Comey tweets about FBI speaking up amid controversy over memo
–– 'And bears, oh my.'

CIA chief met with sanctioned Russian spies, officials confirm
–– In Langley mens room where they’re employed.

Devin Nunes is acting like he's in a spy thriller
–– For Russia With Love.

Change could weaken fair lending office at consumer bureau
–– The usuary suspects.

Nipplegate Revisited: How Justin Timberlake’s Previous Super Bowl Performance Rocked the World and Changed the Internet
–– Tit for that.

Connie Sawyer, Hollywood's oldest working actress, dies at 105
–– Role over.

Robert Wagner Named Person of Interest in Natalie Wood's Death
–– Let that sink in.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Says America Would Be Better If Nancy Pelosi Smiled More
–– Then take Trump, leave.

The world's tallest man meets the world's shortest woman in now-viral photos
–– High and mitey.

Rep. Peter King says secret memo will show 'serious improper behavior'
–– By releasing it.

Stormy Daniels, Alleged Trump Mistress, Hits Back at 'Crazy Feminsts' Who Thought Kimmel Interview was Sexist: 'I Suck Dick for a Living'
–– 'Or Don.'

About 25% of Trump’s Re-election Spending Continues to Go to Lawyers
–– 25% to Bimbo Relief Fund.

Why Are So Many Female Porn Stars Turning Up Dead?
–– Or maybe 50%.

After Era That Made It a Verb, Xerox, in a Sale, Is Past Tense
–– Copy that.

Mystery of Melania's Tiffany gift box revealed
–– How’d she stuff stepdaughter in it?

Rose McGowan Says She Was the ‘Architect’ of Weinstein’s Downfall in Bizarre ‘Colbert’ Interview
–– Blew prince.

Lorde Thanks Fans for ‘Believing in Female Musicians’ in Full-Page New Zealand Ad
–– Why, they're like unicorns?

US Navy commander pleads guilty to bribery charge in 'Fat Leonard' scandal
–– Land blubber.

Camera captures kangaroo collide with cyclist
–– Pouchh!

Cuckolding can be positive for some couples, study says
–– Law partners for wife suing husband.

NYT: Corallo will tell special counsel about alleged Hope Hicks vow that emails 'will never get out'
–– Because she didn't know how to forward?

‘House of Cards': Diane Lane, Greg Kinnear Join Cast as Final Season Production Resumes
–– Waste of Spacey.

Style Notes: Cindy Crawford Straddles Pile of Men for InStyle; B Akerlund's Ikea Collab
–– If ‘straddles’ means ‘stands atop.’

Controversial FBI agent co-wrote initial draft of explosive Comey letter reopening Clinton email probe
–– That no-good Hillary-loving pinko rat!

Rep. Trey Gowdy not seeking re-election
–– Will instead seek professional help for coiffe-related issues.

Trump asked Rosenstein if he was 'on my team'
–– Washington Gnats.

FBI chief has 'grave concerns,' clashes with Trump over GOP memo
–– Fears not laid to rest.

Female Employees Allege Culture of Sexual Harassment at Humane Society
–– Heavy petting.

Trump needles 'monster' Chuck Todd at off-the-record anchors' lunch
–– Chuck buries.

Trump’s top health official traded tobacco stock while leading anti-smoking efforts
–– Tar and feather.

The FBI reportedly possesses a second dossier that alleges Trump is compromised by Russia
–– Code named P2.

Earth’s Magnetic Poles Show Signs They’re About to Flip—Exposing Humans to Radiation and Planet-Wide Blackouts
–– And fatal attraction?

Arizona Preacher Who Called for Gay People to be Stoned to Death Banned From Jamaica
–– PM: 'Everyone must get stoned!'

US Speaker Paul Ryan calls for a 'cleanse' of the FBI
–– Suggests they chug lye.

Trump Didn't Mention Women Once During His State of the Union Address, Amid #MeToo Movement
–– Another #MeTool moment.

FCC Chairman Ajit Pai Doesn’t Want a Government-Backed 5G Network
–– And he’s not Verizon his opinion.

Emails show Carson family fingerprints at HUD despite warnings
–– Mostly of middle finger for poor.

Trump’s State Of The Union Gets Brutal Review From New York Daily News
–– Standin Ooooooh…

Donald Trump booed in his first State of the Union after hitting out at 'chain migration'
–– Should’ve yanked 'chain.'

Teacher accused of calling military 'lowest of our low'
–– Army does travel on its belly.

North Korea to parade dozens of long-range missiles before Winter Olympics
–– Skating on thin ice.

Trump overheard saying he'll '100%' release Nunes memo
–– Dropping load comes naturally to him.

Trump’s lawyers argue Mueller has not met threshold for presidential interview
–– Will insist Mueller carry him across.

Andrea Tantaros Claims Female Fox News Employees Were Secretly Recorded Disrobing
–– Under Fox Searchlight.

Study: White House plan slashes legal immigration rates by 44 percent
–– Slashes illegals with box cutters.

‘The View’ Host Joy Behar Confronts Kirsten Gillibrand for ‘Pushing Out’ Al Franken
–– Who put squeeze on whom?

Home Depot Co-Founder Taunts Democrats, Saying ‘Use Your Stupid Brains’ on Tax Reform
–– Moron saving, moron doing.

Gordon Ramsay Says He Lost Over 50 Lbs. to Save His Marriage: 'It Was a Big Wake-Up Call'
–– Wife wanted him to remove mound of of ugly fat on shoulders.

FBI Deputy Director McCabe stepping down
–– Hoovered.

Donald Trump reportedly told former acting FBI director Andrew McCabe to ask his wife how it felt to be a 'loser'
–– Might've answered: 'Ask yours.'

Kushner Companies’ High Rent Helped Shutter Guy Fieri’s Times Square Restaurant
–– Jared's first humanitarian act.

Julian Assange Thought He Was Messaging Sean Hannity When He Offered ‘News’ on Democrat Investigating Trump-Russia
–– Wiggyleaks.

Trump’s most desperate move yet? Here’s what pushing out Rod Rosenstein would mean.
–– Spare Rod, spoil child.

Conway says Trump is 'not soft on Russia'
–– ‘Just mention Putin and … ‘Boinnng!’

Trump Administration Baffles and Enrages Lawmakers With Latest Punt on Russia Sanctions
–– Baffled outrage new normal.

Christie: Trump should not meet with Mueller
–– ‘Us U.S. Attorneys got to stick together…with the suspects.’

Europe’s economy grew faster than the U.S. last year
–– Yeah, but they gotta put up with universal healthcare!

Fentanyl seizure had enough doses to poison all of NYC and New Jersey
–– Straight dope?

The Chef José Andrés Has a New Bone to Pick With the Trumps
–– Jawbone of ass.

Tom Brady Cut Interview After Alex Reimer Calls Daughter Annoying Little Pissant
–– ‘She’s not little!’

Backpackers face up to year in Cambodian jail over porn charges
–– Where'd they fit PJs with all the Hustlers in there?

Why Will it Cost $24 Million to Install New Fridges on Air Force One?
–– Need room to store bodies.

Melania Trump took 21 flights, racked up a bill of $675,000 while living in New York after the inauguration
–– Not counting stowaway attempts on flights to Slovenia.

Climber Saved From Pakistan's 'Killer Mountain' But Negative 80-Degree Temperatures Make Rescuing Partner Impossible
–– He’ll keep until Spring.

Trump’s Order to Fire Mueller Was Just 'New York Talk' and He Didn't Mean It, Joe Manchin Says
–– Kind of thing you hear at Rikers Island.

Alec Baldwin Responds To Dylan Farrow’s Woody Allen Accusations; Compares Her To Character From ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’
–– Rue badly.

Russia Is Banned From Paralympics, Again, for Doping
–– No lame excuses.

Asia’s strongmen follow Trump's lead on fake news
–– Goose-stepping right behind.

This Is the 1 Nut You Might Want to Consider Eliminating From Your Diet
–– Dr. Atkins.

I Took Apple Cider Vinegar Every Day For 1 Week, and Here's What Happened
–– Adam’s Apple shriveled.

Aaron Hernandez was taunted amid rumors of college murder, ex-Jets player reveals
–– Talk about body-shaming.

Donald Trump admits he has no invite to royal wedding ‘that I know of’
–– Has been DVRing The Crown just in case.

Melania Trump aide slams 'salacious & flat-out false reporting' about first lady
–– Doesn't FLOTUS her boat.

Ikea Founder Ingvar Kamprad Dead at 91: Frugal Billionaire Who Apologized for Nazi Ties and Built Furniture Empire
–– Assembly instructions modeled on SS torture techniques.

Intel reportedly notified Chinese companies of chip security flaw before the U.S. government
–– Intel outside.

Trump: 'I wouldn’t say I'm a feminist...I'm for women, I'm for men, I'm for everyone'
–– Why not, you lie about everything else.

I tweet from bed sometimes, U.S. President Trump says
–– In filthiest euphemism of week.

Trump Doesn't Understand Why He Can't Give Orders to 'My Guys' at the 'Trump Justice Department’: Report
–– Which is typical after hostile takeover.

Lunar trifecta: Rare 'super blue blood moon' will light the sky this week
–– Marketing only department at NASA getting funding.

Clapper on Russia probe: Investigation seems to be deepening
–– Any deeper and Mueller will drill through to Moscow.

Putin critic dragged away by Russian police
–– They were just patting on back, inviting to after-party.

Elon Musk's Boring Company is now selling flamethrowers
–– For boss who wants new way to say 'You're fired.'

Omarosa heads back to reality TV after White House stint
–– Never really left.

How the Grammys Stood With #MeToo, Time's Up Movements
–– Like broken record.

Hillary Clinton trolls Trump in a surprise appearance at the 2018 Grammys
–– Book-ed Hillary.

Nikki Haley wants politics out of her Grammy awards
–– Tire and fury.

Jay-Z: #MeToo "had to happen"
–– 'Just based on my behavior.'

Woman who bought the Turpins' Texas home found feces everywhere
–– Inspired Trump’s description of Haiti.

Data shows Trump's DC hotel was pricier and emptier than peers in 2017
–– Like Propeciaed head.

Vegas casino king Steve Wynn accused of ‘pattern of sexual misconduct’ in Wall Street Journal report
–– No-Wynn situation.

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