KRINGLE CUT
Week of 11/27/15
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
You're already late for Black Friday shopping
–– Next year!
NBAer appears to hit fan in video
–– Or: Shit Hits Fan.
Former luncheonette owner chooses to die in her restaurant
–– Bier-battered rings special on menu.
Carson reportedly going to visit Syrian refugees
–– Books flight to Syriastan.
People having sex with horses is on the rise in Switzerland
–– Amongst neigh-sayers.
‘Black lives matter not Black Friday:' Laquan McDonald's protesters block shoppers, cut off Jesse Jackson
–– Retailers discount message.
Animal rights activists storm the field during Lions-Eagles game
–– Upset how raptors abused felines.
Why did this ambassador swim across the Nile?
–– For Cairo practice.
Lindsey Vonn: 'I still love Tiger Woods'
–– 'Not out of Woods yet.'
Mars Rover spots 'giant rat' on the Red Planet
–– And moon made of chese.
BLOOMBERG: Ted Cruz 'says some of the stupidest things I've ever heard’
–– And I was Donald Trump’s Mayor for 12 years.
Liv Tyler reveals the moment she discovered Steven Tyler was her biological father
–– In pose reminiscent of Edvard Munch’s The Scream.
MTV refutes accounts as Trump's 9/11 claims crumble
–– On new episode of Jackass.
Jared Fogle's wife has divorced him
–– Tired of 6-inch pulled pork.
Gold plummets to almost 6-year low
–– Ted Cruz proposes linking dollar to pyrite.
‘Gods of Egypt’ Director, Studio Apologize for Lack of Diverse Casting: ‘We Can Do Better’
–– Mum on da' worst casting.
Ridley Scott: 'Alien: Covenant' Is First of 3 Films Before Linking Up With Original 'Alien'
–– Might take 4 to explain what Prometheus was about.
Dear Santa: 'Please catch the man who shot me’
–– ‘Sincerely, Rudolf.’
Turkey tries to ease tensions
–– Sends Putin stuffed bird.
What’s streaming next month
–– Usual piss-pour selections.
Comic sentenced for 'inciting hatred'
–– Dane Cook. Of him.
Spider causes man to trash flat, scream death threats -- police called
–– Caught on webcam.
Could this Quran curb extremism?
–– 552 blank pages.
The 5 Stretchiest Leggings to Wear While You Binge Eat This Weekend
–– And fatten up your drumsticks.
David Canary, Star of ‘All My Children,’ Dies at 77
–– Perishes in coal mine.
Donald Trump mocks reporter's disability
–– By displaying his disability.
‘Kissing Bug’ Can Lead to Dangerous Parasite Infection While You Sleep
–– Though it’s hard to pucker up with pest.
Newborn found in Nativity scene
–– Jesus!
Carly Simon reveals Sean Connery asked for ménage-à-trois with her sister
–– Thought Scotsman asked to ‘manage a twat.’
Carrie Underwood Uses Son as an Adorable Weight While Working Out
–– The little dumbbell.
Ryan Fitzpatrick shears beard “to switch up the mojo”
–– Cut he needs is from team.
Kim Kardashian Reveals Her Baby Is Breech, Doing Everything She Can to Avoid C-Section
–– Better name than North.
Is this woman the most annoying 'Jeopardy!' contestant ever?
–– What self-deluded Ken Jennings asked watching recent episode.
Turkish military says did not know downed jet was Russian
–– Even as it radioed Do svidaniya! to crew as they crashed.
U.S. general: Human error led to Doctors Without Borders strike
–– Bombs smart.
North Korea's No. 2 banished?
–– Mens rooms have urinals only.
Carson: It's all a misunderstanding
–– My entire campaign.
A Pair of Boxers for $400? Men’s Underwear Goes High-End
–– Latest slang for wedgie.
Bindi Irwin's tearful tribute to dad
–– Crocodile tears.
Oil crash sparks OPEC revolt against Saudis
–– Flow of crude remarks.
Family of 'clock boy' seeks $15M
–– Or they will blow you up.
’Lost in Space' getting a reboot
–– Deserves boot.
Report: Global temperature hike already halfway to 'two degree warming' limit
–– Deniers: 'How much is that?.'
‘Walking Dead' fans get answer
–– Yes, obsession is pathetic.
Trump retweets fake, racially charged crime data from non-existent group
–– Imaginary chairman of which he'll name Attorney General.
Trump on rally protester: 'Maybe he should have been roughed up’
–– 'The blacks love that…and me.'
GOP candidates continue anti-Muslim, refugee rhetoric
–– One minority they haven't yet totally alienated.
A disease that once plagued pirates is now showing up in America's poorest people
–– Arrghhuably.
Donald Trump Again Says He Saw Cheering in New Jersey on 9/11
–– When he left stage.
What’s the deal with Donald Trump's mystery daughter?
–– Can you blame her for hiding?
Trump explodes after pro-Kasich group unveils anti-Trump campaign
–– On both ends.
Montana bride who pushed husband off cliff loses appeal
–– Actually, was always hard to like.
Carl Weathers praises Michael B. Jordan's Creed performance
–– Lends creedence.
This Harmless Pit Bull Was Shot Twice, But Now He Helps Educate Others About Breed Stereotypes
–– Takes three shots to put monsters down.
Godzilla El Niño headed for California
–– After draining lizard over Tokyo.
Oh, Rob: Rob Ryan says Saints fans blame everything on him -- including Hurricane Katrina
–– Though he's bigger blowhard.
When is it immoral to have children?
–– When you marry Kardashian?
Are open carry protesters fueling fear outside a Texas mosque?
–– Congregants opt for kevlar hijabs.
Lauren Bush Lauren Welcomes First Baby With Husband David Lauren
–– Guess first name.
Southwest plane diverted to Missouri over 'suspicious' behavior: FBI
–– Was actually on time.
John Malkovich on Filming His Vision of 2115, Then Locking It Away in a Time Capsule
–– And why he didn't do with his other films.
J.J. Abrams ‘Terrified’ to Let ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ Out Into the World
–– World can relate.
‘Carol’ Wins Golden Frog at Camerimage
–– And it’s not even held in France.
GOP’s Vitter seeks redemption, come from behind win in Louisiana governor's race
–– Like he came from behind with hookers.
Chris Christie Escapes Kids’ Table For CNN’s Next GOP Debate
–– After hogging all the chicken fingers.
Melania Trump Wouldn't Give Donald Her Number When They First Met
–– Turned out it was $100 mil.
Why You Don't See Donald Trump's Wife Melania Out on the Campaign Trail
–– Too hard to trail five paces behind.
A very simple explanation of why it's wrong to demand that Muslims condemn terrorism
–– Just demand to know if they like being seen as ISIS sympathizers.
Donald Trump’s Proposed Muslim Registry Unites Hollywood Jews, Muslims
–– ISIS would love mailing list.
Skanky suicide bomber used to be a selfie-taking party animal
–– She exploded on scene.
Denver bookstore named Isis is vandalized
–– Egyptian deity hires bodyguard.
BORDERLINE HYSTERICAL
Week of 11/20/15
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Republican Campaign Against Refugees Is Just Beginning
–– 2016 platform to include moat around USA.
Lucas: I'm done with 'Star Wars'
–– 'Already did all I could to kill it.'
Tyra Banks Quits Her Own Daytime Show After Two Months
–– Following viewers' lead.
Christie: No Syrian refugees, not even 'orphans under age 5'
–– 'Unless they have halvah to share.'
Protesters burn effigy of orthodox Jew at anti-immigration protest in Poland
–– Government blames nostalgia craze.
Star Wars logo mistaken for al-Qaeda symbol in Spanish news report
–– While terror suspect reported hiding on Tatooine.
Putin Blasts Syria With New Stealth Missile—And Shows the World He Can Strike from 1,700 Miles Away
–– Without unzipping fly.
Russians write ‘For Paris’ on bombs destined for Syria
–– Because they'd like to bomb there, too.
The telling incoherence of Antonin Scalia's 'pederast' comments
–– Overexcited by subject.
Study Argues Air Force Should Double Order for New Bombers
–– Author is one McDonnell Douglas Boeing.
This is what $800 million worth of cocaine looks like
–– (Head shot of Charlie Sheen here.)
Turkey seizes 11 million pills of 'Syria war drug': reports
–– Couldn’t find bottomless supply of stupid pills.
Duggar sisters star in 3 specials airing on TLC in December
–– One entitled Our Brother’s Creeper.
The new Republican debate criteria will put Chris Christie back on the main stage
–– If it can bear weight.
Winnie-the-Pooh’s skull goes on display, reveals sweet tooth
–– Of Roo's, lodged in cranium.
Money really can buy happiness, Harvard prof says
–– Can you pay to make 'experts' go away?
Air Force loses $115 million gunship to a 'sideslip'
–– Distracted pilot saw one on hottie and hit tree.
Paris attacks: Mastermind Abdelhamid Abaaoud confirmed dead as France admits they did not know he was in Europe
–– Bien venue!
Paris attacks: female suicide bomber Hasna Aitboulahcen liked wearing cowboy hats but joined an Islamic State terror cell
–– Yippie-kayee, motherfucker.
TV Critic's Notebook: 1,715 Shows and One Question, "What to Watch?"
–– A book.
Arkansas Judge Accused Of Trading Sentence Reductions For Sex
–– In violation of penile law.
She lost 185 pounds to pursue the 'heart of a warrior'
–– And eat it.
Erdogan’s Turkey: Soccer Fans Boo During One Minute Silence for Paris Victims, Chant 'Allahu Akbar'
–– Anti-muslim bigots: 'Gooooal!'
Tamale takedown: Traveler carried 450 illegal pork tamales
–– Chipotle mule.
Jeb Bush did something new: He commanded the room
–– To stop mocking him.
’Daily Show’s’ Trevor Noah rips CNN reporter, misses point
–– Which is his thing.
Houston KFC manager fired after store was burglarized
–– Cops search for hot wings.
Guy Fieri Fires Back at Anthony Bourdain: 'He's Definitely Gotta Have Issues'
–– And taste buds.
Illinois officer spent embezzled money on coffee, movies
–– Starbucks and 3D Imax depleted illicit fortune.
Police confirm 'hoverboards' are illegal in New York City
–– And idiotic in all jurisdictions.
Ted Cruz To Obama: 'Come Back And Insult Me To My Face'
–– 'Then slap me and call me your bitch, sir.'
#JeSuisChien: French police dog dies in Saint-Denis raid
–– Unpopular hashtag with the homely.
John Kerry says Charlie Hebdo attackers had 'rationale'
–– Like Charlie Manson family.
New Charlie Hebdo defiant cover: 'Screw' the terrorists
–– Adds: ’And John Kerry, too.’
Outrage as McDonald's outlet opens inside historic Hangzhou villa
–– Next to MaoDonald's.
Paris Attacks: Michel Hazanavicius Pens Sexually Explicit Open Letter to ISIS
–– The French really will fuck anything that moves.
Don Lemon Doesn’t Get Offended
–– Not smart enough.
Bobby Jindal Quits Republican Presidential Race
–– Even elephant's already forgotten him.
Jihadi John associate on his way to Europe was arrested in Turkey
–– Nicknamed ISIL Asshole.
‘If you don't like this country, why the f*** did you come here?' Muslim man's impassioned speech decrying ISIS for trying to impose Sharia law on the West takes social media by storm
–– Like asking Ted Bundy why he visited sorority parties.
Obama: I didn’t appreciate how weak the presidency is until I was president
–– Ditto.
‘Mystery Science Theater 3000’ Kickstarter Hits $2 Million Goal in Less Than a Week
–– Joel Hodgson ‘MSTie-eyed.’
Suicide bomber 'blew himself up because of stress', says Ibrahim Abdeslam's family
–– These loons have got to start drinking.
Microsoft Works to Shed Reputation for Security Flaws
–– Efforts revealed in hack.
CIA chief anticipates more attacks
–– Describing job.
Clothing chain buys pizza chain
–– Now must find stain-removing chain.
Charlie Sheen: I am in fact HIV-positive
–– If you give two and a half shits.
The 100 Most Delightful Things Jennifer Lawrence Has Ever Done
–– 2. Retired from view…nope, she's back.
Smoking rates continue to decline among U.S. adults
–– Except for bacon.
Trump: 'Bomb the s--t out of ISIS'
–– ‘They’re almost as full of it as me.’
Donald Trump: 'Strongly consider' shutting mosques
–– And mouth.
Car wash manager gets caught in giant brush
–– With death.
Nolan’s 'Memento' to get remake
–– Entitled Mo’ Mento.
Lindsey Graham: 'There's a 9/11 coming’
–– ‘Every year.’
Paris Attacks: Rupert Murdoch Tweets "Western Civilization," Not "All Humanity" Was Target
–– He's safe either way.
How Obama is bankrolling a non-stop protest against invented outrage
–– Not including this apoplectic New York Post editorial.
Coulter after Paris attacks: 'Trump was elected president tonight'
–– 'In my sad, but intense fantasy world.'
Burt Reynolds: 'If you met me in 1978, I'm really sorry'
–– ‘And if you saw Hooper or The End.’
Holly Holm stuns Ronda Rousey with 2nd-round knockout
–– Every man, woman and child Rousey said she was going to beat breathes sigh of relief.
David Geffen's $100 million gift to UCLA is philanthropy at its absolute worst
–– ‘Cause it didn’t go to me.
Kate Winslet Says 15-Year-Old Daughter Was 'Extremely Jealous' of Her Sex Scenes With Liam Hemsworth
–– Sympathetic Hemsworth suggests underaged threeway.
Poland says cannot accept migrants under EU quotas after Paris attacks
–– ISIS makes racism seem fashionable.
Siamese twin separation that launched Ben Carson’s fame ended poorly for twins
–– Names forever linked to Carson’s.
The Grandma Scam That Is Sweeping The Country
–– Guilting children into visiting too often.
Crime lab technician makes stunning discovery at crime scene
–– Eight actors researching roles as CSIs.
Hundreds of Mormons to resign over labeling same-sex couples apostates
–– Support More-men doctrine.
Cop pulls over Google's driverless car
–– Robocop.
Trump: Paris Attacks ‘Much Different’ If France Had More Guns
–– Campaign ‘much different’ if he had soul.
U.S. airstrike in Libya kills ISIS leader
–– Of which they seem to have unlimited supply.
HYDRA FOILED
Week of 11/13/15
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
'Jihadi John' likely killed in airstrike
––
That should hold the bastards…er…
Paris Attacks Were an 'Act of War' by ISIS, Hollande Says
–– And another pathetic plea for assisted suicide.
FLASHBACK: Obama Said ‘ISIS Is Contained’ Friday Morning
–– In massive can of worms.
Romney: Answer is still 'no'
–– Question still 'Do I have more charisma than cardboard cutout?'
El Nino sends rare tropical visitors to California waters
–– Chiquita Banana Girl, Hawaiian Punch's Punchy.
Was one of Kim Jong Un's closest confidantes purged?
–– Vast rumored portions of kimchee suggests it.
3 Ab Exercises That Give You More Definition In Less Time
–– Definition as narcissistic tool.
Sexting scandals: How will they affect students' futures?
–– Too hard to tell.
Boras on Mets: 'a pennant at the end of their aisle’
–– On bottom shelf below huge display of Crown Royal.
David Hasselhoff Changes His Name to Drop The "Hassel" From His Life
–– And prove he’s “Hoff” wasted.
That $200-an-hour panhandler proves Bill Bratton right
–– You're in wrong profession.
I asked legendary tycoon T. Boone Pickens for financial advice ― his answer was surprisingly simple
–– ‘Fuck off.’
Duggar Plane Lands Near Josh's Rehab; Source Says Family is 'Left in the Dark’
–– Josh ‘anxious to see sisters’ strip.’
Russia Accidentally Reveals Giant Nuclear Torpedo on State TV
–– Claims it was actually ‘closeup of President’s Vlad Jr.’
‘Spectre’ Bond Girl Stephanie Sigman Predicts the Next 007
–– Will not remember her either.
Pit bull police dog defies breed's savage stereotypes
–– Defies you to repeat them so he can tear throat out.
After Couple Calls Police Because They’re Lonely, Cops Respond With Sweet Surprise
–– Relocate homeless family to their place.
Color-blind people driven nuts watching red Bills, green Jets uniforms
–– Sighted fans driven nuts watching game.
Acquittal in 'Goodfellas' trial
–– After challenging jury: ‘Are you laughing at me? Am I here for your amusement?’
Decades of goo stripped off gum wall at Pike Place Market
–– And sold as Puget Sound Taffy.
‘Taste The Bush' Ad Is So Suggestive It Was Banned
–– Jeb’s campaign to test slogan.
The Koch Brothers Have a Big Announcement
–– Will release Republican Party for $100 bil and State of Kansas.
Donald Trump doubles down: 'Our wages are too high'
–– That’s the royal ‘our.’
Trump talks Clinton's 'massive' new hairdo
–– Acute case of 'perm us' envy.
How 1 man pranked pres. race
–– Trump entered it.
The real reason Donald Trump appeals to working-class whites
–– High lead content in budget paint.
Walmart reveals Black Frida deals
–– Where the prices are Kahlo.
Joe’s Crab Shack is trying out no-tipping
–– Crabs too tough to knock over.
Your beer belly may kill you
–– So do not, we repeat, do not loosen your belt.
Universal Pulls Steve Jobs After Box Office Bomb
–– Exhumation ‘extreme promotional move.’
Obama Becomes First Sitting President to Grace Cover of LGBT Magazine
–– Lincoln stood on Log Cabin Republicans’ Newsletter cover.
Jennifer Lawrence washes her hands of the bathroom-habits rumor
–– Needs Puerile hand sanitizer.
‘Blackfish’ Director, Steve-O Respond to SeaWorld's Cancellation of San Diego Orca Shows
–– ‘Jackass’ star disappointed, had hoped to be maimed by killer whale.
Tapeworms and four other disgusting parasites you should know
–– 4. Scott Disick, 3. Baba Booey, 2. Crystal Hefner, 1. Guy who raised Daraprim pill from $13.50 to $750.
Poll: N.J. wants Christie out of race
–– Human one.
Donald Trump promises 'deportation force' to remove 11 million
–– Directed by 'beaner counters.'
Bush: 'Hell yeah' I'd kill baby Hitler
–– ‘Why, is he running?’
Carson: No abortions -- even Hitler
–– Bush: ‘Don’t worry, I’ve got this.’
Larry David to Get $5,000 for Heckling Donald Trump During SNL Appearance
–– Defines ‘chump change.’
Donald Trump's Rivals Entitled To 12 Minutes 5 Seconds Of Air Time, NBC Stations Announce
–– And one witless SNL sketch apiece.
10 Reasons I'm Only Voting for Bernie Sanders and Will Not Support Hillary Clinton
–– 7. Am Bern victim.
Werewolf Kittens Are Real... And You Already Want One
–– To stop gnawing your face.
What it means to be pansexual
–– You get off on Peter.
Russia faces world athletics expulsion when doping report is published
–– Vow to set world records in shame walking.
For Bush, no more Mr. Nice Guy
–– Now Mr. Sore Loser.
IHOP sinkhole swallows 15 cars
–– Flattened like pancakes.
'Godzilla'-sized gator in parking lot
–– At Toho Studios for audition.
My dad Howard Stern put me off dating men
–– And interacting with humans.
Beatle’s guitar sells for millions
–– Gently weeps.
Rand Paul: Clinton, Rubio both ‘neoconservatives'
–– Blind squirrel finds two acorns!
‘Chainsaw Massacre' villain dies
–– Remains made to fit in shoe box.
Dancing’s Derek Hough: Bindi Is Going to Dance Blindfolded!
–– Which is how viewers are advised to watch.
’Concussion’ Doctor Hopes NFL Will React to Film "In Good Faith"
–– After repeated blows to his head.
On The Defensive, Ben Carson Unleashes Litany Of Anti-Obama Conspiracy Theories
–– Campaign afraid voters will forget Nazi and Ancient Egyptian conspiracy theories.
The unemployment rate doubled under Bush. It's fallen by more than one-third under Obama.
–– Carson accuses Obama of voodoo economics with animal sacrifice.
Bill O'Reilly blows up on George Will: 'You're a hack!'
–– In related news, pot calls kettle black.
Dungeness crab season delayed indefinitely, Rock crab season closed
–– Concerts failed to sell out.
‘I no longer see a fat little boy'
–– ‘I ate him.’
Mormon church labels same-sex couples apostates
–– Or was it aprostates?
Fraternal Order of Police President: Quentin Tarantino "Race Baits"
–– Based on critic, more like “rat baits.”
CREDIT FRAUD
Week of 11/06/15
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Marco Rubio campaign says state GOP credit card use rules unclear
–– As you want ‘em to be.
Live tapeworm pulled from California man's brain
–– Tape was full.
GOP rivals wary of going after a wounded Ben Carson
–– Afraid he didn't lie about stabbing.
Clint Eastwood Won't Reprise Empty-Chair Routine, Talks Endorsing GOP Candidates
–– Candidates to reprise empty-suit routines, however.
This is what really happened to Mars
–– According to Tars Tarkas.
New York Jets' new uniforms are hideously, relentlessly green
–– Like new coach.
Police Union Issues Ominous Threat to Quentin Tarantino, Promises ‘Surprise’
–– 'Y'ever hear of a wet willie, y'a cop-hatin' perv?'
Hillary Clinton Says Eric Garner Deserved Punishment, Not Death
––
PBA threatens to 'Tarantino' her.
Prison Guard: O.J. Simpson Still Has Nicole Brown's Picture By His Bed
–– Because we wouldn't let him tape to dart board on wall.
Chris Christie fails to qualify for next week's main Republican debate
–– Jersey all-you-can-eat restaurants on alert.
Cop who fatally shot motorist in back cleared of all charges
–– Then shot judge who apologized for getting in line of fire.
Ben Carson's Strange Theory About The Egyptian Pyramids
–– And point at top of his head.
Ben Carson: Trans People 'Make Everybody Else Uncomfortable'
–– 'You can't look down without imagining you have boobies.'
Gay Rights Splits Rubio & His Money Man
–– And we thought you’d need crow bar to separate them.
What Your Aging Parents Aren't Telling You
–– 'We rewrote will –– everything's going to Tigger.'
Bond Girl Role Cursed My Career, Says A View To A Kill's Tanya Roberts
–– Damaged when so many got to see me act.
Jared Leto on Playing The Joker: "It Was Like Giving Birth Out My Prick Hole."
––
Which he renamed 'The Batcave.'
Man is Fatally Stabbed After Taking The Last Piece Of Chicken, Cops Say
–– Right after lickin' finger.
Defeat of Houston LGBT-rights measure may have broad impact
–– Especially if broad has tallywhacker.
Lance Berkman says tolerance is bad, claims he has been “persecuted”
–– All-star Houston Asstro.
In Biography, George H.W. Bush Slams 'Iron-Ass' Cheney, Rumsfeld
–– At 91, still sharper than sons.
Al-Shabaab sells terror in safari propaganda video
–– Starring Dr. Walter Palmer in ski mask.
Iranian leader: 'Death to America' refers to policies, not the nation
–– Stands pat on 'Death to Israel.'
Ben Carson Says Many Americans Are ‘Stupid'
–– ‘Hopefully enough to elect me.’
Calif. cops get nunchucks
–– Hope to subdue violent suspects with laughter.
‘Daily Show’ Host Trevor Noah Has Emergency Appendectomy
–– Doctors consider implanting funny bone.
Alderson OK after collapsing at Citi Field
–– Better than Mets.
Adele Talks New Album's Lengthy Delays, "Regret" Over Working With Blur Frontman
–– Criticism of Albarn surprisingly focused.
Antarctica is gaining ice, NASA study says
–– Climate deniers experience warm, wet conditions south of their equators.
Amazon opens traditional bookshop
–– And bitcoin mints invisible money.
‘Law & Order' Creator Dick Wolf Remembers Fred Thompson: "Truly a Renaissance Man"
–– ‘Politics would’ve been right at home in 15th-Century Italy.’
Why these are Google's best smartphones yet
–– Because others all sucked so bad.
The Appeal of Ben Carson
–– To basest instincts.
Ahmad Chalabi, Iraqi Politician Who Pushed for U.S. Invasion, Dies at 71
–– To be buried alongside undiscovered WMD.
Donald Trump Lists His Debate Demands: Cash, Two Hours
–– Charges $500 per like other high-end hookers.
Kurt Cobain's Sweater Expected to Fetch up to $60,000 in Auction
–– Courtney Love left Hole.
What’s Chinese navy doing in Florida?
–– Guest pillaging at Disney World's Pirates of the Caribbean ride.
The library that checks out dead animals
–– Eyes them in creepy way.
Michael Moore Appealing R Rating for ‘Where to Invade Next’
–– ‘It’s definitely a hard L.’
Report reveals Afghanistan gas station cost U.S. $43 million
–– Rest rooms are immaculate.
Ohio voting on legalizing pot
–– O-high-o, dude.
Hollywood Film Awards: Will Smith, Johnny Depp Help Kick Off the Season
–– Season kicks off: RIP.
Trump: DNC Chairwoman 'crazy,' 'neurotic woman'
–– ‘Maybe she's single!’
Report: Cowboy screams at reporters
–– ‘Yee-haw, motherf**cker!.’
Amazon starts Black Friday sale three weeks early
–– Thanksgiving moved to first week in November, Halloween shares Labor Day.
Belichick mum on suspicions that Jets locker room was bugged
–– Fears he'll be secretly recorded.
Woman suffers severe hand injury after breaking into zoo, trying to pet tiger
–– Showed paw judgment.
How Trevor Noah’s ‘Daily Show’ Is Beating Jon Stewart’s
–– To death.
‘Death to America' stands despite nuclear deal: Iran MPs
–– But new posters will include smiley face in O of TO.
The Royals won their first World Series in 30 years and Kansas City is one giant party
–– Gourmet restaurants run out of Cheez Whiz.
Collins' lament: 'I let my heart get in the way of my gut'
–– ‘And completely lost my mind.’
“We are wiping the slate clean:” New Speaker Paul Ryan ready to clean House from ground up
–– Orders 4 truckloads of Clorox Germicidal Bleach.
U.S. House Speaker Ryan rules out work with Obama on immigration
–– Slate still wee bit smeared.
U.S. House speaker in a fog over cigarette stench in new office
–– And everything else.
President Obama To Announce An Executive Order To 'Ban The Box’
–– In latest slang for chastity belts.
Concealed gun owner fatally shoots suspected robber during Chicago stick-up
–– Excited Wayne LaPierre's concealed weapon clearly visible in pants.
‘He’s a mess': Insiders worry Fallon's partying is getting out of hand
–– His badly injured hand.
So, who really won? What the Bush v. Gore studies showed
–– History showed who really lost…US.
At Fort Bragg, attire prompts alarm
–– Urban recruits style hip hop braggies.
Official: Plane broke up in midair
–– Adds: ‘Which is no laughing matter.’
Steve Guttenberg Starring in Comedy ‘Lookin’ Up’
–– Which no one will be lookin' up.
Royals steal Game 4 from Mets
–– After Mets gift wrap and leave at curb.
Paul Ryan: Planned Parenthood shouldn't get one "red cent"
–– Especially during 'that time of month.'