RUN AND KOCH
Week of 04/24/15
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
David Koch picks a favorite?
–– Asks Bush, Paul, Walker, Cruz and Rubio to drop drawers and cough.
Starbucks to open Ferguson store
–– No extra shots in espressos.
Rand Paul pens tribute to Koch brothers
–– Entitled I'll Blow You (Both) for Cash.
A Walker-Rubio ticket?
–– Gets you into matinee with free Koch.
Eight-year-old boy pens angry letter to Michelle Obama
–– Paid $5 and a copy of Minecraft by Koch Brothers.
Will this one-armed robot put you out of a job?
–– If you’re a professional slots player.
IBM’s Watson has published a cookbook
–– Featuring toasted motherboard and fried circuits.
Older people are happier than you. Why?
–– Closer to day when they’ll be free of clickbait.
What a send-off: China's funeral strippers told to cover up
–– Or face stiff penalties.
Dozens of dinosaur eggs discovered by construction workers in Chinese city
–– Scientists scramble for explanation.
Got $1.8M? Get your own dinosaur skull
–– Chinese seller will throw in egg.
Pastor defends attempt to buy $65M jet
–– While humming Nearer My God to Thee.
No charges for officers who shot schizophrenic man
–– DA ‘of two minds' on decision.
CinemaCon: 'Fifty Shades of Grey' Sequel to Hit Theaters in 2017
–– Theaters: 'Thank you, Sir.'
Netflix Dismisses Report About Native American Actors Walking Off Adam Sandler Movie Set
–– But applauds their taste.
Dr. Phil Jokes About Bruce Jenner's Transition: "You're Almost 80. What's the Point?”
–– 'Not that I wouldn't still bang ya'.'
Bill Cosby Scandal Widens as Three More Accusers Come Forward
–– Leaving 4 non-accusers in State of California.
Chris Evans, Jeremy Renner Apologize for Calling Scarlett Johansson’s ‘Avengers’ Character a ‘Slut’ and ‘Whore’
–– Irma la Douce, Sadie Thompson and Pretty Lady join protest.
Boston Marathon bomber flips the bird at camera
–– Defense attorneys: 'In a deeply remorseful way.'
Amy Schumer Photobombs Kim and Kanye, Faceplants on the Red Carpet
–– Red Carpet needs to take shower.
10 Stupid Mistakes You Need To Stop Making While On Vacation
–– 8. Licking tour of Liberia.
Scott Walker is now toast: The crazy move right that cost him the Koch Brothers — and probably the nomination
–– Underdone, flabby, white toast.
Angry congressman warns protester: 'If you touch me again, I'll drop your a—'
–– ‘From my list of favorite a—es.’
Pregnant Popeyes Employee Claims She Was Fired After the Restaurant Was Robbed at Gunpoint
–– Ms. Oyl distraught.
Fox News contributor insults transgender kids: “When I was a child, I thought I was a cocker spaniel”
–– ‘And I did grow up to be a bitch.’
Ted Cruz Encounters Former Cliven Bundy Security Chief on the Campaign Trail
–– Who throws him to floor and demands his papers.
Adult coloring books topping bestseller lists
–– Ted Cruz to release autobiography in popular format.
McDonald’s has supersized problems
–– Ronald no longer fits in clown costume.
Waka Flocka for president?
–– Is that Scott Walker’s street handle?
Rand Paul: The Real ‘Sexists’ Are Ones Accusing Me of Being Sexist
–– And the real 'loons' are ones accusing me of looniness.
Mother loses appeal in turkey baster pregnancy case
–– Well, that name is sort of a turnoff.
Brian Williams wants back in
–– To Liar’s Club.
‘More powerful than a nuke’: Kim Jong-un refreshed after ‘climbing highest peak’
–– Next to his do.
Pope accepts resignation of Robert Finn, convicted U.S. bishop
–– Failed to punish priests who got a little behind in their work.
AC/DC drummer Phil Rudd pleads guilty to death threat and drug charges
–– Band still won't rehire him.
Former Egyptian President Mohamed Morsy sentenced to 20 years
–– 'Showed no remorsy.'
Vet posts pic of cat shot with arrow, triggers social media firestorm
–– Puss in cutest William Tell outfit with cherry on head.
George Lucas gets payback on neighbors
–– The Wimpire strikes back.
Woman eats 13 lbs. of steak in 20 min.
–– Excuses self from table, ‘has a cow.’
Nia Vardalos on Why It’s Finally the Right Time to Make ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2’
–– Checking account nears big fat 0.
Marco Rubio: Being Gay Is Not A Choice
–– ‘And Earth probably round…science not in yet.’
Jon Stewart On Quitting ‘The Daily Show': “I Live In A Constant State Of Depression”
–– ‘Which I’ve generously shared with viewers.’
FBI arrests six men in the U.S. in connection to the Islamic State
–– Collared at Mensa meeting.
David Chase Just Ruined the Finale of The Sopranos
–– It could be made worse?
Cops Resign After Their Town Elects First Black Female Mayor
–– Wanted to avoid firing…at her.
Garry Trudeau: When free speech becomes hate speech
–– Read my lips.
Wearable tech for babies
–– Apple’s iBinkie.
NASA’s new car can drive sideways
–– So can drunk’s.
Rubio: Immigration reform no-go
–– Wants to protect US from people like him.
Graham: I'm '91% sure' I'll run for president
–– Because 9% of Americans approve of my job in Senate.
Businesswoman stands by her man-only view of presidency
–– Will make exception for Lindsey Graham.
Designer’s clothes fly off Target's racks
–– Exposing huge racks.
Poll finds tight GOP contest
–– Have to be drunk to run.
Nick Cave’s ‘The Sick Bag Song,’ an Epic Poem Composed on Tour
–– Sick is his bag.
Alfred Taubman, pioneer of indoor malls, dies at 91
–– Laid out in Dead Bath & Beyond.
CASTRO PHYSICS
Week of 04/17/15
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Sabado Gigante, iconic Univision program is ending
–– Replaced by Ted Cruz campaign.
Marco Rubio Announces 2016 Presidential Bid
–– Answers pundits: Rubio, Rubio, wherefore art though, Rubio?
Ben Affleck Requested His Slave Owner Ancestor Be Censored From PBS' 'Finding Your Roots’
–– Left in lousy actor ancestor.
Report: Scientology spy pretending to be a Time reporter tries to interview Paul Haggis
–– Said he was from Time 10,000,000 years in future.
Kanye West, Bradley Cooper, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Jorge Ramos Highlight TIME 100’s Most Influential
–– Which three of these shouldn't fit?
Physicians want Dr. Oz gone from Columbia medical faculty
–– Paid attention to man behind the curtain.
Bolt: 'At my best, it's ... almost impossible to beat me’
–– ‘I said to myself.’
Chris Simms: 'Hernandez Was Polarizing In Locker Room’
–– 'Either you liked murder or you didn't.'
Michigan auto repair shop says yes to gun owners, no to homosexuals
–– Ban on rear mounted transmissions.
Oklahoma approves nitrogen gas as backup execution method
–– And nitrous oxide for observers.
Mars may have puddles
–– Where Marvin whizzed.
O’Malley hits Clinton flip-flop
–– Bruises toe.
IBM warns Louisiana over 'religious freedom' bill
–– Defiant Louisiana: 'We don't need your keypunch machines!'
Lamest workout excuses trainers ever heard
–– 3. Dog ate my supporter.
Iraqi TV: 'King of Clubs' killed
–– Straight flushed.
MTV Movie Awards 2015: Female Masturbation Jokes Abound, Thanks to 'Magic Mike XXL,' 'Fifty Shades of Grey’
–– Causing friction on the set.
Rand Paul's Wife Defends His "Relationships With Women" on ‘Today'
–– 'He has great respect for tomatoes.'
Rick Perry hits Republican presidential candidates over experience
–– When they made him campaign t-shirts with 'Kick Me' printed on back.
Christie vows to 'crack down' on weed
–– Insists: 'There are tons of natural ways to get munchies.'
Australian ex-model, DJ, killed fighting for ISIS in Syria, family friend says
–– Posed a threat.
Report: Sheriff's employees told to forge Bates' records
–– Norman grateful.
Lincoln Chafee: 'I'm running' and here's why'
–– 'I'm named after great president and famous Chapstick spokeskier.'
Why Humans Have Chins
–– To keep gravy off collar.
Even Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts Can't Avoid Jury Duty
–– Judge Judy mocks 'economic hardship' excuse.
Mom pregnant with quadruplets at age 65
–– The rabbit died of old age.
2 TSA officers fired after plotting to grope attractive men, police say
–– Felt frisky.
Is Google abusing dominance?
–– ‘Cause dominance is loving it.
Lena Dunham, Kim Kardashian Among Honorees at Variety’s Power of Women: New York
–– Powerful women: Really?!
Top GOP, Dem senators say Iran compromise reached
–– Summing up nuclear reaction.
Atlanta educators get jail time
–– Will learn to 'finish this sentence.'
Judith Regan: Why I Fell Out of Love With New York (Guest Column)
–– After giving it the clap.
You’re right - flying got worse in 2014
–– Ask any crow.
Outbreak sickens 100 on cruise
–– Doctors see sick.
Ex-teacher arrested in Japan says he paid for sex with over 12,000 women
–– Had enormous yen.
Chess grandmaster cheats in tournament ... from the bathroom
–– Employs Rectal Opening.
Cops stop concert after Kanye West jumps in lake
–– Honoring the request of millions of people.
Mary Kay Letourneau, Vili Fualaau: How Would They React If Teen Daughters Dated Their Teacher?
–– Parents draw line at threesomes.
Schumer Is Squeezed on Various Sides Over Iran Deal
–– McConnell has his tuchus, Khameini his kishkes.
Nancy Reagan Gives Her Endorsement to ... Hillary Clinton
–– Remembers: 'She was darling with Ronnie and me in Hellcats of the Navy.'
Mischa Barton Suffers a Nip Slip and Martin Sheen's Look Is Priceless
–– Like a deer in headlight.
Supermodel Gisele says body 'asked to stop' runway life
–– Screamed, ‘I’m starving!’
New pictures of Kim Jong Un raise more questions
–– Are boobs real?
Police: Christian family band members in deadly parking lot brawl
–– Asked: Who Would Jesus Do?
New combat camouflage made from squid?
–– Shirts have eight sleeves.
Barack Obama and Raul Castro meet, launch new era of U.S.-Cuba ties
–– Beginning with clip-ons.
Lil Wayne & Drake Love Triangle: I Boned Ya Both … And I Know Who's Better
–– 'It's like a tibia vs. a fibula.'
DOUCHE NUKEM
Week of 04/10/15
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Ayatollah Khamenei Accuses WH of 'Lying,' Being 'Deceptive,' and Having 'Devilish' Intentions
–– 'So, what's not to like?'
Chris Christie plots comeback
–– Schemes with Burger King.
Juliette Binoche Says 'Chocolat' Co-Star Johnny Depp "Actually Didn't Like Chocolate”
–– And The English Patient co-star Ralph Fiennes wasn’t horribly disfigured.
Frank Rich Thinks Hillary Could Lose In 2016: 'She's Her Own Worst Enemy’
–– Luckily not running against self.
Bob Schieffer will retire as anchor of CBS's "Face the Nation”
–– Show needed Face lift.
Stars React to Guilty Boston Marathon Bombing Verdict
–– Jessica Simpson: ’So glad Batman catched that Dzhokhar.’
Navy SEAL Imposter Suspect Arrested in Puerto Rico
–– Barks up wrong tree.
WHITE HOUSE NOTEBOOK: Nuttin' but love for Obama in Jamaica
–– Excited Rastas nuttin’ all over the place.
Ayatollah Rejects Core Element of Nuclear Deal: Inspections
–– Radioactive core?
Neighbor Beefs: Mohamed Hadid Will Not Stop Building the Most Illegal Megamansion in Bel Air
–– Mo: ‘Oh yes, Hadid!’
New Controversy Surrounds Alleged 'Jesus Family Tomb’
–– Mary refused to pay for perpetual care.
Scott Eastwood Reveals What Legendary Father Clint Was Like at Home
–– Was strict with empty chairs.
Bobby Flay Files For Divorce -- Wife Skewered by Prenup
–– Flay of soul.
Mom of 6 boys has priceless reaction to 'gender reveal’
–– Told ‘two-thirds of them are, indeed, male.’
How Penn Jillette made 105 lbs disappear
–– Sawed Teller off at neck.
Are human head transplants coming soon?
–– It’s a no-brainer.
From the mouth of babes, Biden steals pacifier from Bloomberg grandchild
–– That sucks.
California judge faces recall try over sentence in child sodomy case
–– Blames 'little buggers.'
Elizabeth Warren: My 2016 dream candidate fights for middle-class families
–– But Jed Bartlet’s retired.
Obama tests engagement doctrine with Cuba
–– Gifts Raul with modest ring.
Security from the sky: Indian city to use pepper-spray drones for crowd control
–– Rioters request curry drones.
Secret Service supervisor accused of making unwanted sexual advances
–– Asks if she’ll take 'bullet' from him.
The White House complex now has a gender-neutral bathroom
–– Lindsey Graham relieved.
Europe can breathe as Greece makes a crucial payment
–– $495 mil in grape leaves.
“No Kardashian Parking" Signs Crop Up In Hollywood
–– Unless they back in.
“WHAT WILL WE DO WITHOUT HIM?" STEPHANIE SEYMOUR ON FREDRIC BRANDT'S WARMTH, FUN, HUMOR
–– Be able to frown?
Dick, Liz Cheney releasing new book slamming Obama
–– She claims 'family that preys together, stays together.'
Widespread power outages sweep Washington, D.C.
–– Beginning at DNC.
Pat Robertson Opposes Gay Marriage Because No One 'Conceived A Child Through Anal Intercourse’
–– Speaking for assholes everywhere.
‘Maybe I had a brain tumor’: Brian Williams on ‘lies’
–– ‘And miraculously operated on self to remove it.’
Inside Kurt Vile's Darkest LP Yet
–– Mac the Nice.
Defense secretary says US opening new phase of Asia pivot
–– ‘Java Jive.’
Kim Kardashian Might Not Be Able to Carry More Children and other Family Bombshells
–– Unless they use ass as rumble seat.
Apparent suicide near buffet at Vegas casino panics patrons
–– Stay away from chunky beef chili.
Cat lost after 14-hour flight
–– And, boy, are his legs are tired.
Is 'Let's Move' program working?
–– Millions of youngsters have moved on.
Murphy Brown actress Candice Bergen reveals her heartache over famous ventriloquist father who belittled her looks and left dummy Charlie McCarthy $10,000 but didn't leave her a penny when he died
–– Not even a wooden penny.
A Governor Likened to Reagan (by Himself)
–– ‘I’m that dumb.’
Jeb Bush Identified As ‘Hispanic’ On Voter Registration Form
–– Was identifying his panic.
Senator's staffer resigns after prostitution arrest
–– Claims he was ‘hustling’ votes.
Warner Music Group Owner Pays $77.5 Million for Manhattan Apartment
–– With piped in Spotify tunes.
Andrew Harrison about Frank Kaminsky: 'F*** that n****'
–– White Kaminsky about black Harrison: ‘Darn that honky.’
8 Suggestions for What to Call the 8th Fast and Furious Movie
–– 7. You’ve Gotta Be Skidding.
Teen Arrested for Impersonating a Police Officer at Ice Cream Shop
–– Faces ‘rocky road.’
Fox News Host Under Fire for Mocking Kelly Clarkson's Weight: "Stay Off the Deep-Dish Pizza"
–– He should stay off dumb-fuck pork rinds.
Lucy, what happened? Fans want 'ugly' Lucille Ball statue replaced
–– Sculptor has some 'splaining to do.
Fidel Castro, in rare public appearance, is 'full of vitality'
–– Condition upgraded to 'doorstop.'
‘Furious 7' and How Peter Jackson's Weta Created Digital Paul Walker
–– With greater acting range than original.
Drew Barrymore's post-baby body like 'kangaroo with a giant pouch’
–– Baby already ‘jumping around.’
Funding Jesus: Who bankrolled Christ's ministry?
–– Hare Krishnas, ironically.
‘Revenge porn' operator gets 18 years in prison
–– Threatens to post pix on judgejunk.xxx.
Stargazers enjoy shortest total lunar eclipse of the century
–– Over before you finished headline.
INDIANA JONESING
Week of 04/03/15
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
The “Fix” to Indiana’s Law Still Doesn’t Protect Hoosiers From Anti-Gay Discrimination
–– Law needs to be neutered.
‘Wish me luck': Chris Rock posts selfies of police stops
–– Cops give him big hands. Up.
Vet confronts Karl Rove on Iraq
–– Asks for apology from sorriest bastard.
Guy mistakenly sells $$$ Banksy for $175
–– 10x what it’s actually worth.
Good news: More workers quitting
–– If only they were financial reporters.
Kim Jong Un recruits women for 'pleasure squad'
–– Nicknamed Kim Young uns.
CBS reporter sues network honchos after they grope, kiss him
–– Claim they were checking bandwidth.
Trevor Noah Is A Quarter Jewish. Does That Make His Anti-Semitic Jokes OK?
–– Or three-quarters anti-Semitic?
Charlie Chaplin seduced second wife when she was 15, sought threesome: 1927 divorce papers
–– With third tramp.
Hoda: My embarrassing tap dance (while peeing) incident
— One way to describe her career.
The Cuddly, Fluffy, Surreal World of Angora Show Bunnies
–– Backstage, they flock like bunnies.
Sen. Tom Cotton: They hang you in Iran for being gay
–– ‘And you gotta kinda respect their commitment.’
‘Alien’ Camel Skeleton Discovered Along the Danube River
–– With three humps and eight legs.
Faye Dunaway Will Open Up About 'Mommie Dearest' In A New Book: Report
–– Fans wire hanging on every word.
Joni Mitchell suffers from a disease most doctors think isn't real
–– She contracted it from Chachi.
Mötley Crüe's Vince Neil slays the national anthem, and not in a good way
–– Sober spectator at Las Vegas Outlaws Arena Football League game 'horrified.'
Michele Bachmann compares President Obama to the co-pilot of doomed Germanwings flight
–– And her brain to the plane post-crash.
Disney Planning Live-Action 'Winnie the Pooh' Film
–– Search for Poo underway.
Nigeria: Buhari beats Goodluck Jonathan
–– Loser renamed Shitoutofluck.
Arkansas poised to adopt religious freedom law
–– Wizard of Ozarks supportive.
Is the GOP losing Walmart?
–– Is Hobby Lobby Wobbly?
Thousand-year-old Anglo-Saxon potion kills MRSA superbug
–– A shot of Old Stonehenge.
Coyote spotted on top of New York City bar
–– Coyote ugly.
Movie Mogul Sex Rap
–– Begins: “M’name is Harvey, m’movies be dope; I’ll make you a star, if you gimme a grope.”
Rolling Stones Finally Announce North American Tour: 15-Date "Zip Code" Trek Launches May 24
–– Expected to mail it in.
Elizabeth Warren tells Wall Street: 'Bring it on’
–– 'I'll merge your face and acquire yer ass.'
Kevin Hart to Receive Comedic Genius Award at MTV Movie Awards
––– In a move too comedically genius even for him.
Investigator: Inmates forced to fight like gladiators
–– At Mohawk Correctional Facility in Rome, NY?
Republicans see Obama as more imminent threat than Putin: Reuters/Ipsos poll
–– Right behind Megatron.
Muslim family carves chair for Pope Francis' Bosnia visit
–– Minus one leg.
Mariah Carey and Brett Ratner Fuel Romance Rumors!
–– Finally, someone who deserves her!
Police say 7-year-old spent night in Dumpster after mother drank vodka outside Dallas spa
–– Mom: 'He was getting Deep Dirty Tissue Massage.'
BMI note from school angers mom
–– Addressed to ‘Mrs. P. Pig.’
Ex-U.S. agents charged with stealing millions in Bitcoin
–– Couldn’t explain imaginary bulges in pockets.
Kanye West Crushes on 93-Year-Old Fashion Icon Iris Apfel and She Responds Perfectly: "That's Cool”
–– She's Apfel of his eye.
Roger Moore Says Idris Elba Isn't 'English-English' Enough to Play Bond
–– Or sufficiently whitish-whitish.
Bill Cosby: Heckler Ejected From Show for Disrupting Comedian Multiple Times
–– Was it premature ejectulation?
Controversial Gay Jesus Attacked and Labeled as Blasphemy
–– Refused pizza in Indiana.
Fred Durst Distances Himself From Robert Durst With Hilarious Sweatshirt
–– Robert, worried about image, dons Not In Limp Bizkit tee.
Woman who inspired The Beatles’ 'Dear Prudence' once dated Robert Durst
–– Luckily she didn't ‘come out to play.’
From Siberia with size: 'New species' of big dinosaur found, scientists claim
–– Putinasaurus Rex.
Raven-Symone Says DNA Test Proves She's 'From Every Continent in Africa Except for One’
–– Brags about being ‘incontinent.’
“Woody Allen is a genius. Woody Allen is a predator”: Why Mariel Hemingway’s new revelation matters
–– A genator?
The Dinner Habit That’s Expanding Your Waistline
–– Eating?
Michael Jordan played pick-up basketball with Tom Brady, talked so much trash
–– Brady picked up trash.
Carrie Underwood Shares First Real Shot of Adorable Baby Son Isaiah, Says He Wants to Be a Hockey Player: Pic
–– Correction: Puck.
How NASA plans to catch an asteroid
–– Baits trap with stardust.
Boehner: White House behavior to Netanyahu ‘reprehensible'
–– ‘Kinda like my behavior towards Obama.’
Air Canada jet comes off runway
–– Where else would it take off?
Hugh Jackman Will Play Wolverine Only One More Time
–– Has claws in contract.
Lena Dunham, Anti-Semite? That Dog Don’t Hunt
–– She’s anti-gun.