CARTOON PANEL
Week of 10/30/15
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
CNBC moderators get bipartisan drubbing for debate performance
–– Non-journalists slam semi-journalists' quasi-journalism.
Porn suspect questioned in cold case
–– Necrophilia suspected.
Republican Party Suspends Partnership With NBC News Over CNBC Debate
–– Considers pact with entertainment division.
U.S. Request to Extradite Roman Polanski Denied by Polish Court
–– Doesn't recognize 'lude acts.
Unwanted life forms found on Space Station
–– Russians won’t leave.
Saudi Arabia downgraded as oil tanks
–– Oil tanks what?
Jaden Smith: "Being Born Was the Most Influential Thing That's Happened to Me"
–– ‘It totally inspired me to leave mother’s womb.’
Gay Man Was Harassed At Work For Being A ‘Cocksucker,’ Court Says It Won’t Do A Thing About It
–– Refuses oral arguments.
U.S. teen gets plague; flea blamed
–– Red Hot Chili Peppers’ drummer: ‘But I’m clean!’
Under fire for absences, Marco Rubio scraps 2016 event for Senate budget votes
–– Asks directions to Senate Chamber.
Bob Ross 'Joy of Painting' marathon under way on Twitch TV
–– Insomniacs rejoice!
Why Steve-O Doesn't Feel Guilty About Anything That Happened On Jackass
–– Frontolimbic portion of brain destroyed.
David Beckham Gets Tattoo of His 4-Year-Old Daughter Harper's Doodle
–– She’s got a doodle?
’The View': Whoopi Goldberg Slams GOP Candidates for Ducking Debate Questions: ‘Grow Some Nuts’
–– Oh, they’ve grown nuts.
Sandra Bullock Says Flashing Her A** in 'Our Brand Is Crisis' Got 'Ugly'
–– But not compared to Billy Bob’s naked pate.
The unlikely link between Cheerios and Playboy
–– Milk.
Loose military blimp lands in Pennsylvania
–– Chunky female sergeant hits on recruits at Carlisle Barracks.
Why George Lucas Had To Change Luke Skywalker's Name In Star Wars
–– Luke Starfucker jeopardized PG rating.
An orca punted a seal 80 feet in the air, and should be signed by an NFL team immediately
–– But not Dolphins: he'd eat them.
Russia just announced that it is sending humans to the moon
–– Chechen rebels.
South Korean wife charged with raping her husband for 29 hours
–– Receives record number of marriage proposals in jail.
Royals catcher’s mystery shinguard substance raises questions
–– Got it after kicking Mets’ nuts in Game 1.
Halloween costumes you might want to skip this year
–– Sexy Ted Cruz.
New bombers to cost $550M each
–– Include trigger finger warmers and killer info-tainment packs.
Prosecutors recommend no more than six months in prison for former House Speaker Dennis Hastert, who pleaded guilty Wednesday to lying about $3.5 million in hush money.
–– ‘He’s getting off easy.’ What sex abuse victims said.
House Republicans move to impeach IRS head
–– Benghazi hearings debacle freed up schedule.
Prince suspected of drug smuggling
–– In little red Corvette.
24 quick Halloween costumes for kids
–– 22: Bobby Jindal '16 button.
Up to 10K guns seized from home
–– Wayne LaPierre's Caribbean timeshare.
ISIS ties foes to ancient Palmyra columns and blows them up
–– U.S. links ‘clear evidence of cost-cutting’ with success of bombing raids.
Dog named Trigger shoots owner in the foot
–– Owner named Skippy.
Trump says world a better place if Saddam, Kadhafi still ruled
–– ‘I’d look real good in comparison.’
Watch a pro-Assad volunteer explain why he fights for the world's most despised dictator
–– ‘Retirement package rocks.’
‘Mena’ Shoot Creates Refrigerator Conflict Between Tom Cruise, Doug Liman
–– Actor stores food in L. Ron Cubbard.
Fishermen pull baby from sea
–– Use binkie as bait.
Processed meat causes cancer, says WHO
–– Cites sick Daleks’ sausage obsession.
Elle Woods for president? Reese Witherspoon thinks now's the right time for Legally Blonde 3
–– After checking bank balance.
Paul Ryan will face 'monumental obstacles' as speaker
–– In form of human speed bumps.
Guatemala election: Comedian Jimmy Morales poised to become President
–– Donald Trump takes heart.
Migrant crisis: 'Immense queue' at Serbia-Croatia border
–– First time anyone's wanted to get in.
Horse sex man from Norfolk jailed for 14 months
–– After pleading neigh.
'Trojan Horse' boys 'not taught safe sex'
–– Just ask horse sex man from Norfolk.
Quentin Tarantino Protests Police Brutality in New York
–– As ‘insufficiently stylized.’
Carson’s violent past: Bricks, bats, hammers
–– Known on street as Ben-Zzzz.
Sweet comet is spewing alcohol across space
–– As it drunkenly careens through space.
Saudi Arabia to run out of cash in less than 5 years
–– Hermaphrodite hookers already looking for new jobs.
Prehistoric shark teeth discovered
–– In oldest surfer’s ass.
Tony Blair: The clear lesson of Iraq war
–– ‘I was as big a jerk as George W.’
Witness: Noisy Christie exits Amtrak 'quiet car' after complaints
–– And he never opened his mouth.
Why David Spade and Eddie Murphy didn’t talk for 20 years
–– Should've considered themselves lucky.
New York man creates 'sovereign nation' in Utah
–– Lincoln Chaffee declares presidential candidacy there.
Troy Tulowitzki: “It’s tough for me now to trust anybody”
–– Jays fans: ‘We can relate.’
Up to 30 inches of rain soak Texas
–– But they always exaggerate.
Jeb Bush campaign slashes salaries
–– Before wrists.
Group: Russia airstrike hits hospital
–– Russia to U.S.: ‘Anythings you can dos we can dos better.’
Report: Ahmadinejad's bodyguard killed in Syria
–– Last words: ‘Well, at least I don’t have to go back to day job…’
GOWDY STRANGER
Week of 10/23/15
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
GOP lauds Trey Gowdy's work on Benghazi probe
–– 'We kinda hoped Hillary would win in 2016.'
Comedians to Tour, Decades After Dying
–– Proving comedy is harder.
Whale dies suddenly at aquarium
–– PETA suspects suicide.
Can 'Anomalisa' take down Pixar rivals 'Inside Out' & 'Good Dinosaur' to win Best Animated Oscar?
–– No.
Lincoln Chafee drops out of race
–– Thud no louder than when run announced.
Paul Ryan prizes family time, opposes family leave
–– Loves manicured lawns, hates 'illegals.'
Primark: The retail sensation that's cheaper than H&M
–– Bangladeshi sweat shops couldn’t be prouder.
Marathon Benghazi hearing leaves Hillary Clinton largely unscathed
–– Except for sore throat, bruised ear drum, numb left cheek.
2015 might have seen hottest summer in 4,000 years
–– Meteorologists checking stone tablets of Al Rocker.
Secret Service warned about naps
–– During on-duty Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six Siege tournaments.
Donald Trump retweet cites Iowans' 'issues in the brain'
–– Making them perfect supporters.
Trump defends 'Merry Christmas’
–– Christmas ‘embarrassed.’
Jeb Bush: Supergirl is 'pretty hot'
–– ‘Ah mean, she is legal, right?’
Laverne Cox to Star in Fox's 'Rocky Horror Picture Show'
–– As Dr. Frank-No-Furter.
Lea Thompson and Her Daughter Zoey Deutch Could Be Twins at Back to the Future Event: Pics!
–– If time-travel were a reality or you suffered from macular degeneration.
Trey Gowdy to Hillary Clinton: ‘You Had an Unusual Email Arrangement’
–– Attempt at understatement causes larynx sprain.
Fossil of Pig-Snouted Turtle Unearthed in Utah
–– Became extinct by turning over on back while trying to roll in shit.
Two People Arrested For Trying To Sell Stolen Dog Back To Its Owners
–– Charged as petophiles.
’Canned parrot' display riles San Francisco residents
–– They wanted him to speak for self.
Man claims severe disability, gets caught using a ladder
–– Falling off first rung, but still.
Gotham Awards Nominations: ‘Diary of a Teenage Girl,’ ‘Carol’ Lead the Pack
–– October 22nd? What took them so long?
For a younger brain, do this
–– Become cannibal school teacher.
Trump: I'd rather face Clinton
–– ‘As long as I don’t actually have to look at that puss.’
What Benghazi panel wants to know
–– Why is that bitch still leading in race?
Joe Biden: Window 'Has Closed' For A White House Bid
–– On my thumb.
Netanyahu criticized for blaming Holocaust on mufti, not Hitler
–– And enslavement of Israelites on Pharoah's hair dresser.
Conservatives not yet sold on Paul Ryan as House speaker
–– Wary of his ability to string together sentences.
Trump’s taunts unleash new Bush
–– Scottish Terrier that replaced Barney.
Syrian President Assad makes surprise visit to Moscow for talks with Putin
–– Asks if he can rent room in Kremlin for ‘couple of years.’
‘Clock boy' Ahmed Mohamed is moving to Qatar
–– So he can learn from state-funded terrorists how to make proper ‘clock.’
Official: 'El Chapo' Guzman broke leg fleeing special ops forces
–– Concern that he won’t find anesthetic.
Lamar Odom: 'Last of a dying breed’
–– Candidate for ‘tasteful headline of year.’
Jim Webb drops out of Democratic presidential primary
–– Makes less noise than falling tree in deserted forest.
“Boycott 'Star Wars VII'" Movement Launched; Movie Called “Anti-White"
–– By albino Ewoks.
A-Rod, Pete Rose bond over boos
–– And, for Pete, booze.
Pilots told: Don't react to Russians
–– Remember: Sticks and stones…
Eddie Murphy Impersonates Bill Cosby in First Stand-Up Act in 28 Years
–– When he used to impersonate him every show.
Norwegian hunter shoots two moose -- then realizes they're in a zoo
–– When attendant offers to sell him framed shot of kill.
Donald Trump: I would have prevented 9/11
–– ‘I would’ve torn down buildings and put up totally plane-proof Trump Towers.’
Trump’s 9/11 attack on Bush so dumb it's genius
–– Which is how he ever qualified as genius.
Oprah Winfrey Buys 10% Of Weight Watchers
–– Gobbles it up.
Modest Murphy turned power-hitting monster for Mets
–– Daniel boom.
Saturday Night Live had Larry David play Bernie Sanders. It. Was. Perfect.
–– Curb your enthusiasm.
Will Tracy Morgan win Emmy for hosting 'Saturday Night Live'? (Poll)
–– Or performance that got him big bucks Walmart settlement?
Questions for the Dodgers as they leave postseason behind
–– 3. Which behind’s next?
Body found in NFL stadium porta-potty
–– Raises stink.
Trey Gowdy to GOP colleagues: ‘Shut up’ if you’re not on Benghazi panel
–– ‘You don’t know what we don’t know we’re talking about.’
Top al Qaeda leader Sanafi al-Nasr killed in U.S. airstrike, Pentagon says
–– Toppier than last top leader.
The New York Times' bizarre story on Osama bin Laden's death
–– Hersh words.
Jane Fonda remembers Michael Jackson: 'I went skinny dipping with him’
–– 'Emerged whiter.’
Amazon sues more than 1,000 sellers of 'fake' product reviews
–– Not sure what to do with legitimate reviewers who praised Fifty Shades trilogy.
Seth Rogen Blasts "Despicable" Ben Carson: "Totally F—ing Bonkers"
–– And “despicable me.”
‘Truth’s' Topher Grace on CBS Ad Ban: "I'm Happy If It Brings More Attention to the Film" (Q&A)
–– Which is how ‘no ads’ works.
El Niño sends venomous sea snakes to U.S. shores
–– Part of evil weather event’s diabolical scheme.
Super typhoon hits Philippines
–– A really all-around good one.
Bear runs through mall
–– On way to EMS sale.
Should restaurants ban tipping?
–– Has debate reached tipping point?
Is this the iceberg that sank Titanic?
–– Discovered hiding out in Greenland?
Fugitive drug lord 'El Chapo' injured while evading Mexican authorities
–– Pulled muscle laughing at them.
IDJIT LOVES BERNIE
Week of 10/16/15
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Hillary Clinton wins debate, reenergizes core supporters, but Sanders captures youth vote
–– Guilt-ridden granny-bashers.
Lottery winners get IOUs
–– Printed on very expensive paper.
Amy Schumer: 25 Things You Don't Know About Me (I Was a Pedicab Driver!)
–– 23. A mani-pedicab!
John Carpenter Wins Plagiarism Case vs. Luc Besson Over ‘Lockout’
–– Snake Plissken kicks Frenchie's ass for good measure.
Jihadi John made hostage tango
––
He wore spike heels and flower in hair.
Lucky few to get all-marshmallow Lucky Charms
–– And free dental exam.
CBS Refuses to Air Ads For Dan Rather Movie ‘Truth’
––
No shit.
CNBC Caves To Trump, Agrees To Limit GOP Debate To 2 Hours
–– So he can hurry home to watch own performance on DVR.
Comics Laud Eddie Murphy Ahead of Mark Twain Prize: "He's the Muhammad Ali of Comedy"
–– Ali today.
Dodgers Eliminated From Playoffs by Mets: Hollywood Reacts With Sadness, Anger
–– Rehearsing for next year's failure in NLDS.
$13.4M revitalizes Bush campaign
–– Buys boatload of defibrillators.
Man Breaks Into Church, Puts on Priest's Robes and Commits Lewd Act at Altar
–– Opens robes, Instructs parishoners ‘take eat, take eat.’
McDonald’s franchisees say all-day breakfast is a nightmare
–– For those who consume it.
Why bananas as we know them might go extinct (again)
–– Monkey bingers.
Posing topless with purpose
–– Making $5.
Ex-staffer: Benghazi committee pursuing 'partisan investigation' targeting Hillary Clinton
–– CDC investigating outbreak of candor.
David Brooks: The Republican Party is producing "leaders of jaw-dropping incompetence"
–– Brooks latest victim.
Donald Trump Suggests George Bush Failed to Stop 9/11 Attacks
–– It's an epidemic!
Another GOP congressman says Benghazi panel meant to hurt Clinton
–– An incurable pandemic!!
Watch an NFL Linebacker Eat 21,396 Calories in 43 Minutes
–– So you can lose 2100 calories in 43 seconds.
Donald Trump to Host 'Saturday Night Live'
–– Further punishment for viewers keeping it on air 40 years.
Steven Tyler Sends Donald Trump Cease and Desist Over Campaign Use of ‘Dream On’
–– Trump on Tyler: ’Who cares, dude looks like a lady.’
Tom Brady Calls Coca-Cola 'Poison' for Kids
–– Soft drink giant feeling ‘deflated.’
Who Was the Most Destructive Jewish "Messiah"? It Wasn't Jesus
–– Jackie Mason.
Why 'No Bra Day' Is So Problematic, As Explained By Twitter
–– Lacks support.
Pit Bull Has Been Waiting Almost 1,000 Days For A Loving Home
–– But rapper still in dog house.
Billy the Kid photo purchased for $2 in junk shop, could sell for $5M
–– In latest stickup.
Spinach sold in 13 states recalled
–– Popeye hospitalized for observation.
Walmart: Wage hikes are killing our profits
–– Outpouring of sympathy for America's richest family.
Goodbye to 'he' and 'she' and hello to 'ze'?
–– If you're affecting phony French accent.
Putin says he's protecting the world
–– From everyone but him.
Johnny Depp On The Oscars: "I Don't Want To Win One Of Those Things Ever”
–– Well, Capt. Jack, you’re in luck…
Afghan Taliban admit Kunduz withdrawal
–– Claim they weren’t ‘thrilled’ with amenities.
Giant 16-pound pine cone falls on man, causing major head injuries, suit says
–– Leaving him convinced he discovered gravity.
Will Ferrell-Themed Bar Opens in New York
–– With dribble shot glasses.
When Shrimp Boy Tried to Go Straight
–– But couldn't uncurl tail.
How to wake up at work in the afternoon without coffee
–– Meth.
Why 'X-Files' is coming back
— Duchovny alimony payments.
Ben Foster "Definitely Damaged" Body by Taking Performance-Enhancing Drugs for Lance Armstrong Role
–– Should’ve enhanced performance with acting coach.
Jennifer Lawrence Talks Hollywood Wage Gap, Sexism in Essay: I'm Over Being Likable, "F— That"
–– When was ’likable?’
Quentin Tarantino Says He Cut Two Different Versions of ‘The Hateful Eight’
–– ‘The Foul Four’ and ‘The Quarrelsome Quartet.’
Police called after beard enthusiasts’ club mistaken for ISIS TERRORISTS
–– While ISIS terorists mistaken for micro-brewing hipsters.
Psychologists sued over CIA torture
–– Waterboarding during couples therapy.
Twitter cuts 8% of its workforce
–– All lower level twits.
Playboy to No Longer Feature Nude Women
–– Replaced by foldout of Hef’s colon scan.
’Billy on the Street’ Proves New Yorkers Don’t Know Chris Pratt
–– Or would just rather not answer asshole.
Leonardo DiCaprio to Produce Movie on Volkswagen Scandal
–– Tentatively titled Beetlemania.
Ben Carson: We're 'closer' to end of days
–– If it means one less campaign like this: Bring it on!
Clinton camp, Democrats blast Benghazi committee after ex-staffer's claims
––- With same incendiary devices Libyan terrorists used.
Taylor 'Ate A Lot' After Grammy Loss
–– Second and third helpings of lettuce leaf.
Can Republicans come together behind a new House speaker?
–– And push him down Capitol steps?
Chase Utley apologized to Ruben Tejada by sending David Wright a text
–– Reads: ‘Tell Whatsisname I’m sorry.’
Raven-Symone’s Dad Rips Her for Saying ‘Dumb S#%T!’
–– Says family nickname was Raven lunatic.
Revealed: Life of girl, 9, forced to marry man 69 years her senior
–– In latest Woody Allen film.
Randy Quaid arrested in Vermont after trying to cross border from Canada
–– Into la la land.
North Korea stages massive military parade, says ready to defend itself against U.S.
–– Erects huge sarcasm shields along 38th Parallel.
Obama Offers Advice to Presidential Hopeful Kanye West: "You Got to Deal With Strange Characters"
–– 'Which you've clearly never had to do.'
RYAN'S HOPE
Week of 10/09/15
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Desperate G.O.P. Appeals to Ryan on Speaker’s Job
–– Frank Underwood next on list.
Frat shut down after sex video
–– Fails to sell.
'Queen of Ivory' arrested in Tanzania
–– Taken to tusk.
Texas girl, 10, kills 800-pound gator with a crossbow!
–– Auditioning for school play based on Hunger Games.
Weird animal with ‘body of buffalo and head of crocodile’ baffles everyone
–– Except 10-year-old murderess.
U.S. suspending program to train and equip Syrian rebels
–– Team will return to training UPS drivers.
Ted Cruz: Moderate Republicans fighting 'like cats and dogs'
–– Right wing fighting 'like ebola and heathy white blood cells.'
Study: Smoking will kill one out of three young Chinese men
–– China National Tobacco Corporation 'proud' of average.
Justin Bieber's Legal Team Threatens to Sue Over Nude Photos
–– Not first time prick dragged through courts.
Ben Carson Suggests Holocaust Would Have Been Less Likely if Jews Were Armed
–– Franks should've told daughter: 'Annie get your gun.'
Rupert Murdoch: Ben Carson Would Be a "Real Black President"
–– Hints Obama pulled 'Rachel Dolezal' to get elected.
Carson explains himself
–– In Elvish.
Kevin McCarthy drops out of House speaker race
–– Just read job description.
Celebrity chef Paul Prudhomme, Cajun who popularized spicy Louisiana cuisine, dies at 75
–– Body to be preserved with salt, garlic powder, paprika, and cayenne pepper rub.
Pele: The footballer who seduced Andy Warhol
–– Who got his kicks.
Walt Disney Heiress Courts Evangelicals With Anti-Gun Movie
–– A Very Brady Bill.
Barry Diller Says He'll Leave the U.S. if Donald Trump Becomes President
–– Presenting voters with moral quandary.
Author James Frey Sells Three TV Projects
–– Or so he claims.
Doomsday revision predicts we won't make it to Thursday
–– Unfortunately, this is Friday.
KFC Says ‘Sorry’ To Customer Whose Gravy Pot Told Her To F*** Off
–– Also told her ‘I’ll look great on your hips.’
Marco Rubio leaves light footprint on Capitol Hill
–– Not suggesting he's light in loafers.
From 'Dracula' fish to snub-nosed monkeys: New species found in Himalayas
–– Including Himalayan male hen!
Where does ISIS get its Toyotas?
–– Mo’s Auto Mall out on Rte. 10 in Raqqa.
Rio 2016: City grapples with wave of crime on beaches as Olympics near
–– Expect world records in swimming for life.
Oregon killer's mom slams 'lame' gun rules
–– Believed son had constitutional right to protect himself from people like himself.
52 mind-blowing slow cooker recipes
–– Primo pot roast.
Snowden: I'm ready to leave exile
–– And nobody cares.
Graham opposed Sandy aid but wants help in South Carolina
–– Had no sympathy for 'damp Yankees.'
Christie Brinkley and John Mellencamp Are Totally On and Showing PDA
–– His Blackberry.
Ben Carson: ‘It Takes a Lot More Faith to Believe in Evolution’ Than ‘To Believe in God’
–– And brain power.
Congressman Behind Planned Parenthood Assault Kept Paying Aide After Sexual Harassment Complaints
–– But insisted it not pay for birth control.
Church can't be 'museum of memories', pope tells synod
–– Trying to forget Crusades, Holocaust, sex abuse.
CC Sabathia to enter alcohol rehab center, miss playoffs
–– Explains why pitches were high and tight.
House to vote on new speaker on October 29: Boehner
–– At apple-dunking Halloween party.
Workers tear shirts off Air France managers in jobs protest
–– ‘But of course –– zay clashed wit ze trousers!’
Hillary has long history of beating up Bill behind closed doors: book
–– Might explain bulbous nose.
Hillary Clinton gets choked up discussing gun control
–– Imagining how she could've shot Bill.
Julianne Moore: I'd Give My Kidney to Kristen Stewart Over Robert Pattinson
–– He can have my lady parts.
Russia and Turkey Clash After Jets Face Off Along Syrian Border
–– Following game against Dolphins in London.
Governor Jerry Brown signs bill allowing beer bikes
–– And hybrids that run on chardonnay.
Woman sits dead for hours in Hong Kong McDonald's
–– Serving as air freshener.
MSNBC to Undergo More Changes, NBC News Chief Andrew Lack Says
–– Lack’s direction.
Dunkin’ Donuts Employee Writes '#Blacklivesmatter' on Police Officer's Coffee Cup
–– And he wanted his light.
Donald Trump: Here’s why I would drop out of the race
–– Common decency?
This shirtless man caused the Saints to miss a game-winning field goal
–– Kicker mesmerized by man boobs.
‘Butt dials' strain 911 systems
–– Can't stop laughing.
Hillary Clinton does Trump impression on 'SNL'
–– Exactly lame enough.
A question of whether Jim Tomsula farted lingers in the air
–– Raises stink.
In an Oregon gun shop, President Obama's message does not sit well
–– Prompts loaded questions.
Donald Trump takes on gun control, mass shootings
–– Trivializes both.
Dry Ice Avalanches Caught on Camera by a Mars Orbiter
–– Martians shooting sci-fi movie.
MALICIOUS McCARTHY
Week of 10/02/15
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Kevin McCarthy's Benghazi gaffe roils House speaker race
–– Truthfulness seen as grounds for disqualification.
Where cotton still picked by slaves
–– Walmart underwear department.
Oil Drillers Bet Choking Wells Will Keep Shale From Going Bust
–– If Wells doesn't file assault charges.
Obama calls for changes to gun laws after Oregon college shooting
–– NRA calls for course loaded with 9mm ammo.
Chick-fil-A is offering 100 people free food for a year — but there's a huge catch people are furious about
–– It’s their food.
Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchinson Are Renewing Their Vows: She Wants "to Do the Whole Cinderella Thing"
–– Where clock strikes midnight, husband turns back into rodent.
Prison Inmates Put a Name to a Feared Guard Known as Captain America
–– Captain America?
Every GOP 2016 Candidate Turns Down Invitation From Latino Conference
–– Say non merci.
GOP congressman doubles down on comically misleading Planned Parenthood chart
–– Insists he has documentation of baby Soylent Green factories.
New York Military Academy sold in bidding war to Chinese investors
–– Renamed Red Army Prep.
IKEA removes corded blinds from stores
–– So customers don’t hang selves after attempting installation.
O.J. Simpson contemplated suicide in Kim Kardashian’s room
–– She has that effect on people.
Woman accused of drunkenly vaping on plane, flashing breasts blames flight attendant for having ‘bad attitude’
–– Claims he refused to be charmed.
Could Hurricane Joaquin be another Superstorm Sandy?
–– Meteorologists pray to ratings' gods.
Jeb Bush Says He Doesn't Find Washington Redskins' Nickname Offensive
–– Says he has support of Uncle Ben, Aunt Jemima and Frito Bandito.
Whole Foods to stop using prison laborers to produce food
–– Were former customers incarcerated when they couldn’t pay food bills.
Governor stays execution over drug
–– Was high on Ectasy.
Ben Carson: 'Hitler' could happen here
–– ‘In this room…with me talking.’
U.S. to try Mexican drug suspects
–– When looking to score coke.
NBA star: I didn't rape my ex
–– Nominated for Player of the Year.
Waffle House Refused to Serve an Armed, Uniformed U.S. Soldier
–– At gunpoint.
Vatican confirms Pope Francis meeting with Kentucky clerk Kim Davis
–– Continuing tradition of reaching out to lame.
Donald Trump Says He Has a Backup Plan If He's No Longer the Republican Front-Runner
–– Swear he's the front-runner.
Diarrhea spike among big city's kids
–– In latest slang for enema.
ABC Apologizes for Confusing ‘Quantico’s’ Priyanka Chopra With Another Indian Actress
–– Network: 'At least we didn't confuse her with squaw.'
Donald Trump tweets prediction Rand Paul will drop out of 2016 race
–– His hair sends own tweet mocking Paul's 'pubic coiffe.'
Man Buns Are Outlawed From BYU Campus For Being Too 'Extreme'
–– Though buns are encouraged on sister wives doing chores.
Long-Lost 'Secret Rooms' May Have Been Found In King Tut's Tomb
–– Walls display hieroglyphic porn.
Why Robert Mugabe just shouted "We are not gays" in his UN speech
–– Thought Ban ki-Moon was hitting on him.
Pope Francis Couldn't Stop Laughing as He Blessed a Baby Dressed in a Little Pope Outfit
–– But refused to pet similarly-attired dachshund.
MMA fighter's breasts too big to fight?
–– Each other?
Log Lady of 'Twin Peaks' dies
–– Cut down in her prime.
Donald Trump: I've been 'a little childish'
–– Admits while playing with poo.
Fiorina: I'm pro-waterboarding
–– 'Was effective in HP job-training.'
Taylor Swift, Mick Jagger sing 'Satisfaction'
–– Please no one.
Jonathan Papelbon Attacks Bryce Harper, and Nationals Manager Fails to Send Signal
–– Williams: ‘I mean, who do you root for in that fight?’
Surprise, surprise: Anonymous players side with Jonathan Papelbon over Bryce Harper
–– After Papelbon slips them a few abes.
‘Grandfathered’ Star John Stamos: ‘I’m Am Totally Fine Milking the Nostalgia Factor’
– ‘And the redundancy factor.’
GOP opponents of nuclear deal couldn't find Iran on a map, says Rouhani
–– Ben Carson: ‘Not true. My World Map for Kids shows you’re from the land with the big elephant!’
NASA says new findings provide strong evidence that liquid water intermittently flows on the surface of Mars
–– Like in California.
Rand Paul: I'll outlast 'clown' Trump
–– Holding my breath.
Could ‘Scream Queens’ Change the Way We Discuss Ratings?
–– Or high camp?
China opens terrifying glass-bottomed bridge in Shiniuzhai park
–– Visitors gasp at smog below.
Iraq agrees to share intelligence with Russia, Iran and Syria
–– And make all three dumber.
Iranian President: Syria's al-Assad must remain to fight 'terrorists'
–– His own.
Stage collapses around Carly Fiorina
–– Like typical Republican platform.
Woman accused of 'riding' turtle
–– In latest slang for uncircumcised sex.
Cruz on ayatollah: 'We may have to help introduce him to the 72 virgins'
–– Lamest death threat-making since Dr. Evil.
Rescue pups ride homemade train
–– To doggie work camp.