MITT LIFE CRISIS
Week of 01/30/15
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Mitt Romney Is Not Running for President
–– Monopoly guy on suicide watch.
Transgender man: I met with Pope Francis
–– Loved the dress.
Turkey's Erdogan says he's no sultan -- but more like British Queen
–– To producers of RuPaul's Drag Race.
Mary Cheney: Why is drag 'socially acceptable' and blackface isn't?
–– Many offended her dad impersonated Mary Wournos while VP.
Cliven Bundy's son arrested, released in southern Utah
–– Name placed on 2016 Republican primary ballot.
The co-pilot was flying AirAsia flight when it crashed. Is that a big deal?
–– Let's ask passengers.
Secretary of State Kerry fined for not shoveling by Boston home
–– Shit had gotten pretty deep.
Ebola May Be Mutating
–– Into more virulent strain of faux-apocalyptic news story.
Putin ally handed contract to build Russian bridge to Crimea
–– Dubbed Bridge to Nyetwhere.
Tom Petty: No hard feelings for Sam Smith
–– Though his 'do 'kinda turns me on.'
Katy Perry Promises Halftime Show Won't Be 'Deflated'
–– Or she'll sue plastic surgeon.
Rare megamouth shark discovered in Philippines
–– Will run for orifice.
Syria 'adultress' survives jihadist stoning: monitor
–– Rocks imams' world.
Plus-size model Tess Munster's #EffYourBeautyStandards inspires
–– Little Eddie Munster to try anorexia.
Just what was it Kim Sears was saying during Andy Murray’s match with Tomas Berdych?
–– Said he had 'bird dick.'
Porn filmed in Oregon State University library
–– Star was really stacked.
Comcast changes customer name to A-hole on bill
–– Thought he was a relative.
Suge Knight involved in fatal hit-and-run
–– Just to keep in practice.
McCain boots 'low-life scum' from hearing
–– Left alone in Senate chamber.
John McCain erupts at protesters during hearing. Why the anger?
–– Porridge cold at breakfast.
State Takes Over Arkansas School District That Had To Make Teachers Wear Underwear
–– So kids wouldn't see instructors' 'little rocks'.
Kevin Costner: Stephen Hawking Came Over to Talk About Whitney Houston
–– And other imploding stars.
Taylor Swift trademarks 'This sick beat' but not 'Shake it off'
–– How about ‘Shake her off?’
Christine Taylor to reprise role in 'Zoolander 2' -- exclusive
–– Had to clear schedule of rumored sequels to husband’s other movies.
Broadway Star Joel Grey Comes Out: "If You Have to Put a Label on It, I'm a Gay Man"
–– Where was our Greydar?
Tesla’s 'insane mode' stuns woman
–– Always said Elon Musk was a crazy date.
American actor arrested on voyeurism charges in Canada
–– What's to see?
Mars Rover Photo Shows 'Human Shadow,' Or Maybe It Doesn't
–– Maybe this is a news article or…
Mormon church backs LGBT rights -- with one condition
–– They can still make nancy jokes in lispy voices.
Asteroid’s moon seen during Earth flyby
–– Heavenly body flashes terrans.
Jeff Dunham's New Wife Sues Old Wife in Bizarre Cyberpiracy Lawsuit (Exclusive)
–– She’s no dummy.
‘American Sniper': Gary Sinise Slams Howard Dean Over "Stupid Blanket Statements"
–– While wrapped in stupid blanket.
Benedict Cumberbatch apologizes for 'colored actors' remark in U.S. interview
–– Actors of color outraged.
Koch Brothers’ Budget of $889 Million for 2016 Is on Par With Both Parties’ Spending
–– Includes $100 tip to be stuffed into Chief Justice Roberts’ G-String.
Kate Hudson Shows Off Insane Body in Skin-Bearing Dress
–– And matching strait-jacket.
Fidel Castro: 'I don't trust the US, nor have I spoken with them'
–– ‘They are ones who bathe me in afternoon, si?’
Report: Yankees looking to void milestone bonuses for A-Rod
–– For 1,500th hit of roids, 1,000th hissy fit.
Baptist Minister In Hot Water Over Comments On Ten Commandments
–– Thou shalt not care.
Brady: 'Feelings got hurt' over Deflategate
–– Felt, well, deflated.
We caught up with Vince McMahon after the Royal Rumble for a quick chat
–– Asked how Prince Charles was healing.
Democrats Assumed They Could Embarrass the GOP With Climate Science. Democrats Were Wrong.
–– Also thought they could paper-train Environmental Committee Chair Inhofe.
I Am a Muslim and My First Trip Abroad Was to Israel
–– Won it as part of timeshare promotion.
Why Jennifer Lopez’s ‘Door’ Opened, And Depp’s ‘Mortdecai’ Didn’t: B.O. Breakdown
–– Wardrobe malfunction on her drop-seat PJs.
Man may be jailed for not paying child support for son who isn't his
–– Agrees to pay in bitcoin.
Zach Galifianakis Looked Nearly Unrecognizable At SAG Awards
–– And still unpronounceable.
Drone found at White House
–– Press secretary hiding in Oval office.
Patriots coach Bill Belichick: 'We followed the rules of the game'
–– Three-card Monte.
Dwarf Stripper Kat Hoffman Finds Love With Army Sergeant
–– He’s hung at half-staff.
Was oldest gospel really found in a mummy mask?
–– In Mark of the Mummy, 1944.
Taylor Swift Finally Reveals Her Belly Button In A Bikini Because She's Fearless
–– And into navel-gazing.
KINDA SAUDI
Week of 01/23/15
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Thousands say farewell to Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah
–– Praised for giving country a 'fair sheikh.'
Porn Industry Embraces Plus-Sized Business
–– With both hands.
SkyMall catalog lands in bankruptcy
–– Execs bury heads in SkyRest Travel Pillow.
Doomsday Clock moved closer to midnight
–– And still available in SkyMall catalog.
Is 'Hotel California' the future of work?
–– 'You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave' already policy at many U.S. corporations.
Rapper Tiny Doo facing long prison sentence over lyrics
–– Finds self in big doo.
Nick Jonas Looks Hot in 'GQ,' But Are His Abs Overshadowing His Music?
–– A moth in front of a candle could do that.
Jennifer Aniston on Difficult Relationship With Mom: 'She Was Very Critical of Me'
–– She’d seen the movies.
Blake Griffin jokingly pulls trainer's head toward his crotch
–– Practicing pump fake.
Serena Williams and Eugenie Bouchard React to Australian Open Twirl Request
–– Interviewer tries to spin story.
Drone carrying drugs crashes south of U.S. border
–– Comes down off meth.
‘Freaky, prehistoric’ shark found
–– Signed to 5-picture deal by Syfy.
Rare Supreme Court outburst
–– Justice Thomas yelps when awakened by gavel falling on toe.
Hitler selfie leads group’s leader to resign
–– Creates minor Führer.
Who is ‘Jihadi John’?
–– Patron of fundamentalist whores.
Trailers From Hell Catches Jack Hill's 'Spider Baby'
–– Peter Parker’s very early years.
Ronald Reagan Biopic Casts Disney Star as Lead (Exclusive)
–– Goofy: ‘It’s not a stretch.’
10 killed, churches torched in protests over Charlie Hebdo
–– Again proving cartoonists unfair in depiction of religion.
Purple, Pulsating, Diamond-Shaped UFO Videotaped Over UK
–– Accompanied by Pink Floyd soundtrack.
ISIS executes 13 teens for watching soccer
–– Terror org 'goal-oriented.'
Sarah Palin Says 'American Sniper' Critics Not Fit to Shine Chris Kyle's Boots
–– With the blood of innocent victims.
See The Fake Baby In 'American Sniper’
–– In the front row writing a review for New York magazine.
How did Colts know Patriots' balls weren't inflated? And Gronk takes blame
–– Reached over and gave them a squeeze?
Source: Several abnormal balls were removed from Colts-Pats game
–– Athletic supporters ‘felt empty.’
Belichick talks #DeflateGate in front of Gillette #Flexball ad
–– Should’ve discussed shaving points.
Watch Jennifer Lopez Gesture Wildly at Her Butt in 'Tonight Show' Game
–– See Fallon’s Little Jimmy do same.
Is The Sun finally ditching topless Page 3 models?
–– Were perfect for wrapping headless fish.
‘Star Wars' Actor Hospitalized
–– Chewbacca has mange.
Johnny Depp: Actors Making Music Is “Sickening"
–– "Y'know, how you feel when you watch Mortdecai."
New York City condo sells for record $100,471,452.77
–– $.77 over asking price.
Children tear-gassed by police in Kenya
–– Cry babies!
China denies suggestions it stole designs for new U.S. fighter
–– ‘We just borrowed indefinitely.’
‘Charlie Hebdo' Editor Criticizes U.S. Media for Refusing to Show Cover
–– Je suis Chary.
Republicans Say Goodbye to Latino Voters
–– Adois, emojis!
Wealthiest 1% will soon own more than rest of us combined, Oxfam says
–– Suggests 99% try buying it back on credit.
Ted Cruz Blisters Mitt Romney
–– Easy for pustule.
Mario develops awareness, plays his own game
–– Shaves mustache, drops ridiculous Italian accent.
Here’s What We Know About 'American Horror Story' Season 5
–– It’ll be horrible.
‘Cake Boss' flagship bakery to remodel but vows to stay true to its roots
–– Lard, Type 2 diabetes.
‘American Sniper’ Targeted By Michael Moore; Says Shooters “Cowards”
–– Talk about sniping.
How an Army Rangers sniper became 'The Reaper'
–– Grim and bear it.
Miss Lebanon distances herself from photo with Miss Israel
–– Purchases 10-ft. selfie pole.
Liam Neeson's gun control rant sparks calls for movie boycott
–– By particular set of shills.
Giant zipper installed on Golden Gate Bridge
–– 82 years after erection.
Watch Harvey Weinstein Explain Why Judi Dench Has His Name Tattooed on Her Butt
–– So he’d be near her other favorite asshole.
Andy Griffith’s Widow to Raze His Home
–– Only wishes ‘he was still in it.’
Billy Crystal Says Gay Scenes on TV Are ‘Pushing It’
–– On rear projection displays.
Plans to Give Showbiz Caucus Honor to Ted Cruz Stir Protest
–– Showbiz Carcass honor already in bag.
The 10 Best Moments From Bruce Springsteen's 'Surprise' Charity Concert
–– 7. Neck vein pop pool.
Delaware shooting occurs near unoccupied Biden home
–– Not surprising: lights on, nobody home.
Fox News apologizes 4 times for inaccurate comments about Muslims in Europe
–– Sorry they were below half dozen per day average.
Romney giving 'serious consideration to the future’
–– Before threatening to reverse it.
'It just went ballistic': Shark attacks
–– Rare Warhead shark.
CLERICAL ERA
Week of 01/16/15
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Al-Qaeda’s Zawahiri ‘ordered’ Paris attack
–– Bin Laden & al-Awlaki granted 'co-producer' credits.
First on CNN: GOP moves convention up a month
–– To July 1953.
Which 'Saved by the Bell' star is expecting?
––To be forgotten in next 5 minutes.
5 Words That Can Destroy A Date For Mature Couples In Minutes
–– 'Can you get it up?'
Yolanda Foster Shares Heartbreaking Statement: ‘I Have Lost The Ability To Read, Write, Or Even Watch TV’
–– RHOBH fans feel lucky: 'One out of three ain't bad.'
Donald Trump Says 'Celebrity Apprentice' Is the No. 1 Show on TV
–– In his penthouse.
John Travolta Introduced Himself to a Stranger at the Gym at 3 a.m
–– Not a stranger for long.
Al Sharpton Calls For Emergency Meeting To Address 'Appalling' All-White Oscar Nominees
–– And promote Academy Honorary Award for Ice Cube.
Ben Carson holds up ISIS as an example for U.S.
–– Has he lost his head?
The richest woman in the world is ...
–– Half as wealthy as richest man.
Darrell Winfield, the real Marlboro Man, dies at 85
–– To be buried in soft pack.
Boy Says He Didn't Go To Heaven; Publisher Says It Will Pull Book
–– And return selfies he took at pearly gates.
Snyder bucks NRA, vetoes gun bill
–– NRA petitions high court: 'Guns are people, too.'
Chipotle pulls pork at some restaurants
–– When offered tips.
Lone wolf planned attack on U.S. Capitol, FBI says
–– Isn't 'lone sheep' more accurate?
‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Stars Jamie Dornan & Dakota Johnson Smolder at the Golden Globes
–– Nice ash.
Here’s What Anna Kendrick Finds ‘Boring'
–– Here, this friggin’ article.
Kelly Clarkson Was Hospitalized During "Horrible Pregnancy" With Baby River
–– Flood watch ordered when water broke.
Bethenny Frankel Responds to "Too Thin" Remarks: "I Do Have a Brand Called Skinnygirl”
–– Should have one called Stupidbitch.
Huckabee slams Obama for letting daughters listen to Beyoncé
–– And use indoor plumbing.
Dzhokhar Tsarnaev's lawyers ask for trial delay, citing Paris attacks
–– Judge: ‘Whatta you, a Dzokhar?’
Can canned goods stop school shooters?
–– Week-old meat loaf potentially more deadly.
Bars long a big part of the Boehner lore
–– Why he’s nicknamed Swigger of the House.
Report: Boehner's bartender planned to poison him
–– Police: It’s not like he didn't have multiple opportunities.
Roman Polanski on Extradition Request: "I Trust the Polish Judiciary System”
–– Fan of Polish jokes.
Black lab knows how to take bus to dog park by herself
–– Signals turns with tail.
Police use tear gas on joyous, couch-burning Ohio State fans
–– Revelers on hot seat.
Wife chops off cheating husband’s penis, twice
–– He's part lizard.
I SHOULDN'T BE HERE': Ex-Miami Dolphin encountered shark, biting jellyfish in harrowing 16-hour swim for survival after falling off boat
–– They thought he was still a dolphin.
KILLER IN QUEENS: Heroin-abusing lawyer bludgeoned to death with a HAMMER by his own roommate in drug dispute: cops
–– Cops: ‘He was already hammered.’
Charlie Hebdo Bounces Back From Terror Attack With 3 Million Copies
–– After most extreme circulation gimmick ever.
Saudi blogger receives first 50 of 1,000 lashes
–– Tweets: Think yer new yr’s off to sucky start? idts #whipitbad.
Ryan says no to presidential bid
–– Presidential bid: ‘Thank you, Jesus!’
Video shows baby holding gun
–– Identified as Pop gun.
Winter Storm Gorgon Brings Snow Across the Country
–– Travelers frozen as if in stone.
How Red Wing Became William F. Buckley Jr.'s Favorite Peanut Butter
–– Misheard name as Right Wing.
David Duke threatens to 'name names’
–– And ‘unhood hoods.’
Thousands expected at German anti-Islam rallies
–– Will scrawl messages on back of anti-Semitic placards.
Paris attacks suspect entered Syria on Jan. 8, Turkey says
–– Where she’ll be treated with respect she deserves.
Burger King Revives 15-Cent Nuggets in Price War With McDonald’s
–– With tiny little electric shocks.
Russian Spy Agency Allegedly Tried To Hire Edward Snowden
–– As mascot.
Netanyahu out of step with French leaders at Paris rally
–– Germans gave French goose-stepping lessons during WWII.
26 men acquitted of 'debauchery' in Cairo bathhouse trial
–– Had explanations for ‘pyramids’ under towels.
Survey: Nearly 92% of Congress is Christian
–– 100% boring again.
Anonymous declares war over Charlie Hebdo attack
–– Though it sounds like ‘Chewy Hippo’ through Guy Fawkes mask.
Hoeven: Senate 4 votes short on Keystone
–– Despite massive release of natural gas.
Rex Ryan to Buffalo Bills: Latest Contract Details, Comments and Reaction
–– Buffaloed Bills.
Explosives strapped to girl kill 20 people at Nigerian market
–– Which is almost as bad as 20 anti-terrorist cartoons.
Feinstein on Petraeus: He's suffered enough
–– ’That mistress of his was really a handful.’
10 Things About Instant Ramen You'll Be Embarrassed You Never Knew
–– 1. You would read entire article about instant ramen fun facts.
Two protesters arrested outside Dick Cheney's home
–– How they reached subterranean lair unknown.
Is somebody out to destroy Bill Cosby?
–– Fat Albert questioned.
Vladimir Putin’s woes are about to get worse
–– Kremlin cafe institutes No Shirt/No Service policy.
After decades, NBC scraps Thursday night comedies
–– Most thought they had years ago.
PROPHET AND LOSS
Week of 01/09/15
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Hezbollah Chief Nasrallah: Extremists Harm Islam More Than Cartoons
–– Though they're kinda cartoons themselves.
Larry Flynt: Why it's important to offend
–– It improves your posture.
French imams rail against 'crazies who have seized our religion'
–– Now they know how Trekkies feel.
Harry Reid Laughs Off Mitch McConnell's Attempt To Claim Credit For Recovery
–– And figuring out the Cloud.
Security Expert: ISIS, Al Qaeda In A Race To See Who Can Attack New York City First
–– Security experts in race to see who can scare most people.
Report: Jeff Green trade to Grizzlies not yet official, so Celtics will ‘check’ other offers
–– Will stay with Curb Your Enthusiasm.
McDonald's Is Testing Burgers That Take 7 Minutes To Make
–– Their way through your system.
Easter Island's Demise May Have Surprising New Explanation
–– Heads weren't in game.
The Koran Does Not Forbid Images of the Prophet
–– Sheikh Harith al-Nadhari: 'Well, ex-cuuuse me.'
Wife's Surprise Photobooth Pregnancy Announcement Ends With Husband in Tears
–– Wished it was his.
New Discovery Channel President Declares "No More Bullsh*t" Policy
–– And pulls plug.
Radical cleric Abu Hamza al-Masri sentenced to life in prison
–– Reacts: 'It's like a vacation in Yemen!'
Beyonce, 'My Dog Skip' and cigarettes: 7 things we learned in Mike Huckabee's new book
–– 6. Which one of those he's not had in mouth.
Jimmy Fallon could've dated Nicole Kidman ... if he hadn't blown it
–– it glad he did.
For birth control, what’s old is new again
–– Lamb bladder condoms and rosary beads.
Model gets quite a surprise on runway
–– Hecklers throw chocolate eclairs at her.
Packers QB Aaron Rodgers has torn calf
–– The fatted one.
In North Korea, even Kim Jong Un's birthday is an enigma
–– As is birth method.
Tycoon’s ex rejects $975 million divorce check
–– Insists he throw in left lung and pancreas.
9 Disneyland tourists leave with measles
–– And 10 with hantavirus from contact with Mouse feces.
Is Paris Shooting an Attack on Free Speech?
–– Is that a trick question?
Eye on 2016, Jeb Bush Launches 'Right to Rise' PAC
–– aka ED PAC.
Police stop apparent suicide attempt on JetBlue flight
–– Convince passenger things can only get better after a JetBlue flight.
The 36 best paleo-friendly recipes
–– 27. Bronto Burger á la Fred.
Mini Me Alert! Donald Trump's 8-Year-Old Son Barron Looks Almost Exactly Like Him—See for Yourself!
–– With golden hamster nestled on head.
‘You truly had the best eyebrows in the world': Cara Delevingne pays touching tribute to lookalike grandmother after she passes away aged 102
–– But neglects to laud lashes.
'Andrew didn't act very royally': Ex-lover of Duke's 'sex slave' claims she never said anything good about the prince - and felt pressure to sleep with him from Epstein
–– ‘Though she did say he could be a royal pain in the ass.'
$5 million in bitcoin stolen
–– In invisible sack.
Sarah Palin wins argument with PETA
–– Correction: pet.
Only Jewish Miss America Dies
–– Vy not the shiksas?
GLAAD Slams TLC's 'My Husband's Not Gay' as "Downright Irresponsible”
–– And 'Saad.'
Police union pushes for cop killings to be included in federal hate crimes law
–– Because cops hate crime.
Jean-Luc Godard's 'Goodbye to Language' Named Best Film by National Society of Film Critics
–– And a slow-drying swatch of paint as Best Actor.
CNN’s Don Lemon Named to 'Worst Journalism of 2014' List
–– Responded: ‘To just hear my name and journalism in the same sentence is an honor.’
Sarah Palin Goes After PETA ‘Hypocrites’ Again: ‘Kiss My Okole’
–– Rage causes her to hallucinate she’s in Hawaii.
‘You have not been helpful’: Monk loses temper dealing with United Airlines customer service
–– Bows defiantly and incants ‘whore of Babylon’ to self.
Report: Dan Uggla dealt with oculomoter dysfunction
–– Doesn’t explain why he’s so Uggla.
You’ve heard of the Xbox, now meet the OBox
–– Mama’s got one.
Teresa Giudice's Daughter Gia Stays Strong, Says She's "So Blessed" as Mom Prepares to Enter Prison
–– America feels same way.
Meet Gogoro, the outrageous electric scooter of the future
–– And its 100-ft. tall reptilian mother.
First tuna auction of the year in Japan
–– Smells like Kardasians’ pool party.
Keshia Knight Pulliam Fired From 'Celebrity Apprentice' For Not Calling Bill Cosby
–– To ask why he never drugged her.
Kim Jong Un has a makeover?
–– Got Sephora Beauty Studio Gift Card for Christmas.
Pope’s car is 1st prize in Vatican raffle
–– Features goblet holders, alms rest and automatic transubstantiation.
China’s Maoists Are Buoyed by Traditionalist Tilt of President
–– Boyhood accident makes him lean left.
Boehner’s challengers: Gohmert, Yoho
–– Hodor, Baggins, Binks, Groot.
Sylvester Stallone announces final 'Rambo'
–– Wherein he wreaks vengeance on vaguely Asian attendants at rest home.
North Korea pushes back against U.S. sanctions for Sony hack
–– Kim returns Playstation 4 for refund.
Zuckerberg starts a book club
–– Markbook.
Pirate Joe's sells used groceries
–– Under house brand Botulism Bucaneer.
Stressful times for students at Ukraine rebel universities
–– Tough midterms in Vladimir Putin: Greatest Statesman in History course.
Iran rejects controversial new hijab law
–– In veiled reference.
Madonna Compares Herself to Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King Jr., Sparks Outrage on Instagram
–– Many people thought she was dead, too.
New GOP Senate chairmen aim to undo Obama policies
–– Because they have none of their own.
Sartre’s 'Non' to Nobel prize came too late, say reports
–– Should’ve made oui, oui.
Chief: I shot wife in my sleep
–– With love gun.
Airman surprises family in gift box
–– Apparently fan of notorious Andy Samberg/Justin Timberlake video.
Civil rights suit filed in police shooting of man brandishing sword
–– Did they know he was gay blade?
A new word for the overworked: 'al desko’
–– Another: 'non-union.'
KIM CHEEK
Week of 01/02/15
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Sony Hack: Obama Orders Sanctions on North Korea
–– But what do you take from the man who has nothing?
Idina Menzel Defends Herself After Rocky 'New Year's Rockin' Eve' Performance
–– Let it go bad.
China’s New Year’s Resolution: No More Harvesting Executed Prisoners’ Organs
––
Will still sell corpses to mad scientists.
Scientists: Random gene mutations -- 'bad luck' -- primary cause of most cancer
–– And 114th U.S. Congress.
Thieves Steal $300K Worth of Wine From French Laundry Restaurant
–– 37,500 bottles of Gallo Family Sweet Red.
Bogart memorabilia sent to wrong Bogart
–– Post it again, Sam.
Harry Reid breaks ribs and facial bones in New Year's Day exercising accident
–– Exercising his right to disassembly.
Former KKK Leader Threatens To Expose Other Politicians With White Supremacist Ties
–– Who were seen in the hood.
Dog Hugs Men Who Rescue Her from Six-Year Tether
–– Gets new leash on life.
China's Three Gorges dam 'breaks world hydropower record'
–– Xi Jinping: 'Da-am!'
Obamas eat at restaurant charging up to $500G for membership
–– Fox News Executives spit out caviar in shocked disgust.
The Problem with Stoned Diners in Denver
–– Won't stop ordering dessert.
Sarah Palin photos of son stepping on dog trigger online outrage
–– 'I told him not to step on his stool.'
Hinckley won't face new charges in Reagan press secretary's death
–– You can exhale now.
Study: White people see "black" Americans as less competent than "African Americans"
––
'Bigots' were seen as slightly less racist than 'crackers.'
Man drives himself to hospital with butcher knife in head
–– Uses as no–hands device to signal left turn.
Bono says he's worried that he may never play guitar again
–– Music fans afraid he will.
Lindsay Lohan Contracts Painful Virus On Vacation
–– Signs it to represent her.
Kendall Jenner Rocks Skimpy Bikini in Dubai with Selena Gomez and Gigi Hadid
–– Flashes Chador box.
Selena Gomez Causes Controversy By Exposing Ankle in Abu Dhabi Mosque
––
A major Shiekh up.
Jeb Bush resigns from board positions ahead of possible presidential run
–– The Society for the Prevention of Charisma, the Bush League and the Pudge Memorial Trust.
Anderson Cooper Mocks Piers Morgan on CNN's New Year's Eve Telecast
–– Morgan 'thrilled' to hear name mentioned, even on basic cable.
Report: North Korean dictator would speak to South's President if 'mood' right
–– Depends if lithium kicks in.
Dog found 2,400 miles from home
–– In Xtreme Fetch competition.
Wall at salt warehouse collapses, leaving cars buried in mountain of white
–– Take story with grain of salt.
Isis magazine publishes disturbing interview with captured pilot
–– In latest issue of IS News & World Report.
Russia slashing vodka prices as economy reels
–– Part of tight money policy.
Crippling hack forced Sony to use old BlackBerrys
–– As BlackBerry looks to hack other major corporations.
Play-Doh will exchange phallic-shaped toy
–– With Play-Vajayjay.
House Majority Whip Steve Scalise Spoke At White Supremacist Conference In 2002
–– Preaching to converted.
Netflix countdown will help parents fool kids on New Year's Eve
–– Utilizing skills they honed fooling parents into believing they like grade-Z movies and crap TV series.
Time is running out for Radio Shack
–– The time: 1984.
S. Korea offers talks with N. Korea over unification
–– Of Kim Jong-un’s split personality.
Pot Pie, Redefined? Chefs Start to Experiment With Cannabis
–– Dopin' Donuts chain mulled.
Man Wants Refund After Buying $650 in Tickets to ‘The Interview’
–– And his $3,000 Jets’ 2015 Super Bowl tickets.
Iran’s supreme leader vilifies U.S. police on Twitter, says #BlackLivesMatter
–– Adds #InfidelLivesDont.
President’s Test: Family Vacation With Teenage Girls
–– Would prefer junket to Pyongyang.
No more 'Walking Dead' for China?
–– Outside of National People’s Congress.
'Holy Grail' of shipwrecks found?
–– Captained by Monty Python.
Bill Belichick Will ‘Be All Right’ After Post-Game Meeting with trainers
–– They were concerned he was acting ‘kind of human’ during game.
Judd Apatow Rips Bill Cosby: ‘Guys Who Rape a Lot Aren’t Cool’
–– ‘Once or twice…eh.’
Alaska Man Survives Three Days Lost in Sub-Zero Temps, Fights Off Wolverine
–– Can’t defeat Iceman.
‘Harry Potter’ Star David Ryall Dies at 79
–– Recast in Deathy Hallos.
Alicia Keys Gives Birth, Welcomes Second Baby Boy With Swizz Beatz: See His Unique Name!
–– Swizz Cheez.
Teresa Giudice makes the most of her last days of freedom as she attends daughter Gia's girl band concert with husband Joe
–– Reminding herself of two things she'll miss least.
Charles Koch Wants To Change America's Criminal Justice System
–– Replace it with Spanish Inquisition.
Browns owner threatens Johnny Manziel, Josh Gordon
–– With having to remain in Cleveland.
Chris Rock Divorcing Wife Of 19 Years
–– Will she return rock?
’The Interview' begins streaming on iTunes
–– Like a trickle of urine.
Stolen Mustang returned after 28 years
–– Rock Me Amadeus still playing on cassette deck.
Somalia: Al-Shabaab intelligence chief captured
–– Or 'intelligence' chief.
Could this mean the end of tipping?
–– Unsteady Chris Christie stabilized.
AirAsia jet missing on way to Singapore; flight started in Indonesia
–– CNN wets self.
Man loses over 200 pounds
–– In British casino.
Theft of baby Jesus figure may be hate crime, authorities say
–– By anti-messiahists.
New York City may ban Styrofoam cups
–– Beggars to be issued 100% recycled receptacles.