A BANNON HOPE
Week of 08/26/16
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump campaign chief Steve Bannon is registered voter at vacant Florida home
–– While managing empty suit.
Doctor: I wrote Trump's bill of health in 5 minutes
––
4 longer than exam.
Trump campaign CEO once charged in domestic violence case
––
Imagined ex-wife was America.
Anti-Semitic Trump campaign CEO Stephen Bannon not a big fan of ‘whiny brat’ Jews, ex-wife says
––
Especially ones who criticize him in press.
Star Wars 8: Daisy Ridley Says No Title Announcement Soon
–– Non-details as they don't develop.
Clinton Denounces the ‘Alt-Right.’ The Alt-Right Is Thrilled.
–– That's Alt-Right, Mama.
Rangers pitcher gets arrested for drunk driving, urinates on himself
–– Induces dribbler down line.
3D 'Jason Bourne' Causes Nausea, Protest in China
–– Diarrhea in other markets.
Indonesian man arrested as 650 pangolins found dead in freezers
–– Marketed as Endangered SPECIaltiES dinners.
Obama creates largest marine sanctuary
–– Leatherneck Reserve at Parris Island.
Julian Assange warns of upcoming Hillary Clinton leak that could have 'significant' impact on the election
–– Because 'Martin Shkreli still outcreep's me.'
Top South Korean exec found dead hours before prosecutor questioning
–– Assange implicates Clinton.
Julian Assange tells Megyn Kelly why WikiLeaks isn't releasing dirt on Donald Trump
––
'He's my kind of scumbag.'
Maine gov: Khizr Khan is a 'con artist'
–– Or Khan artist?
LePage: Over 90 percent of drug dealers busted in Maine are black or Hispanic
–– 'Except ones who get me acid.'
‘Prove I’m a racist’: LePage challenges Westbrook lawmaker in obscenity-laced voice mail
–– 'Too late, (bleep), I already did!"
There’s a Giant Snake Loose in Maine and His Name Is Wessie
–– And he escaped from Gov's head.
Uber bleeds more than $1 billion in six months
–– Uber alas.
Dwayne Johnson Named World’s Highest-Paid Actor
–– Gets Rock off.
Ryan Lochte Apologizes to Matt Lauer, Says, "I Let My Team Down"
–– Lauer: "Have you taken a look at my career?"
Ryan Lochte Charged By Rio Police for Making False Report of Robbery
–– And criminal stupidity.
Ryan Lochte dropped by Speedo
–– Got his trunks in a twist.
100 sickened at public pools
–– Thinking of Ryan Lochte.
Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston Have Reportedly Had Their First Fight
–– We pulled something trying to give a shit.
Donald Trump Thinks He Could Win 95 Percent Of The Black Vote. Here’s One Huge Reason He Can’t.
–– He doesn’t have 10 bil and can’t pay off 95% of African-Americans.
National Zoo hosts sweet birthday bash for panda cub Bei Bei
–– A Bei Bei boomer.
Giant panda Liang Liang celebrates her 10th birthday in Kuala Lumpur
–– Smashed on bambootinis.
The Man Who Had the Most Extensive Face Transplant Speaks Out One Year After His Surgery
–– Out his ear.
Usain Bolt: Anthony Joshua weighs in on cheating controversy as sprinter is pictured with another woman
–– Why do you think they call him fastest man alive?
Usain Bolt Brought Up to 10 Women Back to His London Hotel Room
––
Training for marathon.
Leader of British movement to leave EU joins Trump at rally
–– What Farage hell is this?
Father: FSU Student Who Allegedly Tried to Eat Man's Face Suffering Organ Failure After Drinking Chemicals
–– Or maybe face didn’t agree with him.
Stacey Dash Referred to as ‘The Black Girl’ by Former Fox News Boss
–– Dash: "I prefer 'colored chick' with a pat on my ass to keep me in my place.'
Trump’s "If I Lose, Don't Accept the Results" is a Political Crime
–– His worst offense is a good defense?
Hillary Clinton says 'there are no excuses' for her State Department private emails
–– Beyond hundreds she’s given.
Yankees willing to pay for drug rehab that Doc Gooden says he doesn't need
–– Desperate Mets willing to pay him to pitch.
Colombia and FARC Announce Deal to End the Americas’ Longest War
–– Well, FARC me!
Danny Trejo Celebrates 48 Years of Sobriety and Recounts the Moment in Prison That Changed His Life
–– And appreciation for soap-on-a-rope.
Heroin laced with elephant tranquilizer hits the streets
–– Republicans need after Trump.
CEO at center of EpiPen price hike controversy is Sen. Joe Manchin’s daughter
–– Allergic to controversy.
Donald Trump Slams Hillary Clinton’s Celebrity Supporters: They ‘Aren’t Very Hot Anymore’
–– At least hers once were.
Is bat cave hiding the new Ebola?
–– In vial on Batman’s utility belt?
New Tesla goes from 0-60 in 2.5 seconds
–– Especially useful in local traffic.
Ramen is the new currency in prison, because the food is so bad
–– So use your noodle.
‘Law & Order' actor Steven Hill dead at 94
–– Over the Hill.
Can Israel swing the election Donald Trump's way?
–– With Mossad hit squad?
NASA finds missing spacecraft
–– In Star Wars: The Force Awakens DVD extras.
Triple-digit weight loss inspires new travels
–– To bathroom.
T. rex skull found in Montana
–– It's a Butte.
Nigerian air force says kills top Boko Haram militants, leader believed wounded
–– Or maybe says killed.
Donald Trump Staffers Express Racially Charged and Anti-Muslim Views on Social Media
–– Trying to impress boss.
Mysterious sale at horse auction sparks scandal in Poland
–– Has front named Staś, back named Andrzej.
So, how much does the ‘Today’ show team hate each other now?
–– Almost as much as viewers.
Harambe the gorilla is still dead. But Harambe the meme won’t die.
–– Folks can't stop aping it.
Broadway Dancer Allegedly Murders Boyfriend and Posts About It on Facebook: 'I Give Life and Can Take it Away'
–– Caught jazz-handed.
Ohio botched execution survivor: Don't let them try again
–– State: ‘Aw, c’mon, be a sport: if at first you don't succeed…’
Watch James Corden, Denis Leary Sing "Trump's an Asshole" Dressed as the Clintons
–– That's a bit on the nose.
About 1,500 Americans in river revelry wash up in Canada
–– First to flee potential Trump presidency.
Fox News a ‘sex-fueled, Playboy Mansion-like cult,’ Andrea Tantaros charges
–– News bunny with fuzzy tale.
Barbra Streisand called Tim Cook because Siri mispronounces her name
–– As ‘Stridence.’
Former USC star Todd Marinovich arrested after being found naked with meth in stranger's backyard, police say
–– Was wearing Trojan.
Dick Assman, Briefly a ‘Late Show’ Celebrity, Dies at 82
–– Butt of joke canned.
Trump Lawyers Said Melania Didn’t F**k For Money, Forced Us To Apologize, So Here It Is
–– So Donald hasn't paid up?
Ex–FEMA Director Who Oversaw Katrina Criticizes Obama for Golfing During Louisiana Flood
–– Doesn’t earn Brownie points.
These Louisiana politicians are demanding flood aid, but voted against Sandy relief
–– Was different when you spelled levee Levy.
Mexican president Pena Nieto plagiarized law thesis, report says
–– From El Chapo's counsel.
Freddy Galvis shaken, angry after foul ball hits girl in face
–– His left one.
Willie Geist Leaving Third Hour of ‘Today,’ Billy Bush to Replace Him
–– NBC gives up the Geist.
Darryl Strawberry: Doc Gooden 'complete junkie-addict'
–– Gooden: ‘Some buddy-friend!’
Trump is going to be the truth-teller campaign: Conway
–– From mouth of shit-sayer.
Laurie Hernandez Ironed Simone Biles’s Clothes Before the Closing Ceremony
–– While she wore them!
Clinton’s struggle to find a Trump stand-in underscores difficulties of debate prep
–– Ran out of loudmouthed, bigoted uncles.
‘GMA’s' Amy Robach sorry for 'colored people' reference
–– People of color red-faced.
Trump’s real endgame: A white nationalist media empire?
–– Another FOX?
Giuliani: Google 'Hillary Clinton illness'
–– And find more asinine conspiracy theories like mine.
Giuliani: Clinton Foundation should be indicted for racketeering
–– And Bill should get the chair, see.
How Donald Trump Reached His 58 Percent Unemployment Stat for Black Youths
–– Dart board.
‘White Lives Matter’ Protesters Rally at NAACP Building in Texas
–– Their appearance disproves their point.
Sean Hannity Turns Adviser in the Service of Donald Trump
–– Hannity and Combsover.
Diners who 'only tip citizens' banned
–– And those who 'only tip cows.'
Iraq stops would-be child bomber for ISIS
–– A baby boomer.
Trump’s Spat With ‘Morning Joe’ Bursts Into Flames After Mika Says He Sounds Like a Drunk
–– Inebriates enraged.
‘Go F*ck Yourself, You Piece of Sh*t’: GOP Candidate Goes on Tirade Against Reporter
–– Runs new slogan up flagpole.
40 knives removed from stomach
–– Eases stabbing pain.
Robert Smigel on Why He Was ‘Shocked’ By Triumph’s Donald Trump Focus Group
–– Pooped on selves.
Glenn Beck Raves About 'Ben-Hur' as Critics Jeer
–– Beck raves about everything.
CBS Using Sexual Joke to Market Dr. Phil Drama 'Bull'
–– Fill with bull.
Trump’s Empire: A Maze of Debts and Opaque Ties
–– He tried transparent ones, but they didn’t match Trump suits.
Michael Nesmith to Reunite With Monkees for One Last Concert
–– I'm a believer…in the last part.
I’m a Bernie backer and I refuse to support Hillary
–– Hi, Bernie backer, we can help you get better.
A Man Who Says God Punishes Gays with Natural Disasters Had His Home Destroyed in the Flood
–– Signs up for preventative conversion therapy.
Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC manager Lou Pearlman dies
–– Now representing Hellboyz.
‘Tide has begun to turn' on middle class jobs
–– Little late for the drowned.
Mark Kirk on Iran payment: Obama acting like 'drug dealer in chief'
–– ‘With no oxy, sadly…I love that stuff.’
Viacom fight is over, and Sumner Redstone is silent in public
–– Was reportedly overheard saying, “Gaa argh gaa gargh…”
The richest 10% hold 76% of the wealth
–– Hold lien on remaining 24%.
SEAL who wrote bin Laden raid tell-all forced to give all proceeds to government
–– Lips should've been SEALed.
Mike Pence borrowed upwards of $280,000 to pay for college
–– Trump U. ain't cheap.
More of Kremlin’s Opponents Are Ending Up Dead
–– Or ‘Putin their place.’
‘Cafe Society' Becomes Woody Allen's Biggest Russian Box-Office Performer
–– Though moviegoers expected 'more poisonings.'
Larry Wilmore Vows to Return to Late Night: ‘I’m Not Done Yet’
–– Infomercials beckon.
Does NBC's Olympics coverage really deserve the criticism it's gotten?
–– Earns tin medal.
Clint Eastwood Classics Lawsuit Against MGM Gets Dropped
–– For a few dollars more.
Donald Trump to Black Voters: "What the Hell Do You Have to Lose?"
–– "'Cause I'll take it from you."
Ryan Kavanaugh Attacks Brett Ratner on Twitter: "Biggest Sleaze Anyone in Hollywood or a Wannabe Actress Has Met"
–– “And I’m jealous.”
Colonel Sanders’ nephew discloses KFC’s secret ‘11 herbs and spices’ to reporter
–– Is taken out by assassin in chicken suit.
LOCHTE AND LOAD
Week of 08/19/16
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Olympian Ryan Lochte Confirms He Was Robbed at Gunpoint in Rio
–– Claims Michael Phelps had water pistol.
Trump Adviser Says Hillary Should Be Executed
–– But given state funeral.
Ryan Lochte says he had cocked gun pressed to his forehead during robbery in Rio
–– Or gunned cock.
Conflicting reports over gunpoint robbery of Team USA gold medallist Ryan Lochte
–– Factual vs. Pure Bullshit.
Ryan Lochte Apologizes 'For Not Being More Careful' in Explaining 'Traumatic' Rio Incident
–– In latest slang for lying.
Abused girl to police: My name is 'Idiot'
–– Police: ‘We already have an Olympic swimmer suspect by that name.’
Spokane toddler found strapped to gate with bungee cords
–– As you do with bouncing baby.
Trump Campaign Stays Mum on His Specific ‘Regret,' Says 'He May' Apologize
–– Never actually says 'Tiffany'.
Trump spokeswoman diagnoses Hillary Clinton with ‘dysphasia,’ despite not being doctor
–– Hers with disphasia.
Dr. Drew ‘Gravely Concerned’ About Hillary Clinton’s Health After Viewing Records
–– Readers 'gravely concerned' about his judgment.
Amber Heard gives Johnny Depp's $7m divorce settlement to two charities
–– The Forever Amber Fund and Have You Heard Trust.
Why is India so bad at sport?
–– Cricket not Olympic event.
Half-Indian Trump Supporter Escorted Out of Rally, Mistaken for Protester
–– Was bad sport.
Man escorted out of Trump rally very angry
–– So were those who stayed.
Donald Trump Attends 'Informative' CIA Briefing: 'The Issues Are Serious'
–– 'Putin agreed.'
French PM backs burkini bans as three more towns consider outlawing garments
–– Charges cover-up.
Court rejects Muslims' demand to lift full-body swimwear ban
–– And suggests French buy more beach body bags.
Germany could impose partial ban on face veils, officials say
–– Adds: ‘We lag behind France in terror attacks.’
Ray Lewis III, son of former NFL star, indicted on sexual assault in South Carolina
–– Defense: ‘At least he didn’t stab her.’
Donald Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort resigns
–– Called back to home office in Moscow…
Secret Ledger in Ukraine Lists Cash for Donald Trump’s Campaign Chief
–– …where he'll pick up bonus.
US: $400M was 'leverage' for Iran prisoners
–– In latest slang for ransom.
Gawker to Shut Down Next Week
–– Move along, nothing to see here
He’s a medal-winning archer with no arms
–– And bow legs.
This 'googly-eyed' squid is the cutest ocean find
–– That ever sucked flesh from your face.
McDonald’s removes fitness tracker from Happy Meals
–– Replaced with fatness trackers.
What It Takes to Be a Yo-Yo Master
–– Utter lack of a life.
Fourth brain-eating amoeba case of the year being treated
–– At Trump HQ.
India: Two children, man dead after sharp kite strings slit throats
–– Mary Poppins 'horrified.'
South Korea releases North Korean restaurant defectors
–– Holds defacators.
Trump pushing plan to revive inner-city neighborhoods
–– By replacing with luxury high-rises.
It Was ‘Just Another Job.’ Goebbels Secretary, 105, on What She Knew
–– She got on monster.com.
Poll: 3 Out of 5 Texan Trump Supporters Want Secession if Hillary Clinton Is Elected
–– Oh, pretty pretty please!
Donald Trump Claims in Deposition 'Illegal Immigration' Comments Might Have Helped Business
–– By keeping Mexicans out of Jeffrey Zakarian's dining room and in kitchen where they belong.
Arthur Hiller, Director of 'Love Story,' Dies at 92
–– Epitaph: 'Love means never having to say you're breathing.'
Steve Bannon: The 'street fighter' who's now running Trump's campaign
–– Might as well have hired Breitbart (1969-2012) himself.
Why the Rams' Return to L.A. Could Mean a Spike in Sex Trafficking
–– Well you’d expect lots of butts.
Trump Casinos’ Tax Debt Was $30 Million. Then Christie Took Office.
–– Cashed in chips and salsa.
Liz Cheney Wins Primary for US House Seat Her Father Held
–– Honor due Prince of Darkness’ spawn.
James Harrison has funny response to 'random' PED test by NFL
–– Pissed off.
Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein shares the advice he would give his 20-year-old self
–– 'Don't listen to advice of old billionaires after they've lost killer instinct.'
Israel basking in success in its "national sport" of judo
–– Jewdo?
Olympics: Was Egyptian Judoka punished for refusing to shake Israeli's hand?
–– And asking not to be called a Judoka.
John McLaughlin dies at 89
–– Hell's round table has new panelist.
Escaped Chibok girl: I miss my Boko Haram husband
–– 'Self-abuse overrated.'
NBC Boss Bob Greenblatt Slams Donald Trump as ‘Toxic’ and ‘Demented’
–– And demands thanks for making him star.
Roger Ailes helping Donald Trump ahead of presidential debates
–– Just on women’s issues.
Playboy Mansion Sale Closes for $100M
–– Went for Hef price.
Pals Ivanka Trump and Wendi Deng Murdoch Go Sightseeing in Croatia
–– Scouting the Donald's next wife.
Scientists Are Now Even More Confused By Potential "Alien Superstructure"
–– Can’t figure out HOA fees.
‘Vegetarian Piranhas' With Human-Like Teeth Found in Michigan Lakes
–– Identifiable by their facial hair and tats.
Diver on the Green Olympic Pool: "The Whole Building Smells Like a Fart"
–– Just one?
Olympic pioneer proving swimming has no color
–– Except swampy green water in Rio pool.
Rio Olympics: Green Pools Caused by Hydrogen Peroxide Dump
–– Used to bleach Ryan Lochte’s hair.
Happy Birthday, Princess Anne! 5 Things You Don't Know about the Queen's Tough-as-Nails Only Daughter
–– 4. Has way bigger orbs and sceptre than Charles.
Johnny Depp Allegedly Severed Finger During Argument With Amber Heard Over Cheating Claims
–– Obviously middle one.
Indonesia vows to defend 'every inch' of territory
–– President Joko Widodo fitted with cup.
Gingrich on Trump's Speech: 'Most Important Foreign Policy Address Since Reagan'
–– '…got Alzheimer's.'
Syrians shave and lift veils to celebrate liberation from Islamic State in Manbij
–– Take look at each other and regret decision.
Sheriff David Clarke: Liberal politics and media fueled Milwaukee riots
–– MSNBC and Mother Jones are big in the ‘hood.
Walker: Trump can win if he can 'get the focus' on Clinton
–– Or I could via a coup.
Chinese swimmer Fu Yuanhui smashes period taboo, wins Internet
–– Party critics sense blood in water.
Pennsylvania AG Kathleen Kane found guilty in perjury case
–– May end up in state Penn.
Dick Van Dyke Sings "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" at Denny's
–– They still make him pay for Sticky Bun Pancake Breakfast.
Larry Wilmore’s ‘Nightly Show’ Cancelled at Comedy Central
–– News black out.
Critic’s Notebook: Yes, Larry Wilmore's 'Nightly Show' Will Be Missed
–– I mean, he has family.
Nate Parker’s College Rape Trial Raises Questions for ‘The Birth of a Nation’ Release
–– And for PR axiom, 'there's no such thing as bad publicity.'
Brian Williams Likely to Get Temporary 11 p.m. Slot at MSNBC
–– In fiction programming experiment.
Shah Rukh Khan, ‘King of Bollywood,’ Was Detained at a U.S. Airport for the Third Time
–– Subjected to 'elaborate song-and-dance.'
Olympian’s Mother Leaves a Suitcase at Check-In, and It Is Destroyed
–– Filled with daughter's dirty volley ball outfits, deemed toxic.
Taraji P. Henson Is a Math Genius in ‘Hidden Figures’ First Trailer
–– Isn’t she tired of typecasting?
Acetaminophen during pregnancy may increase risk of hyperactivity in kids
–– As may utter lack of discipline.
Sushi sofas and stuffed animal stools, the eclectic work of Brazil's Campana brothers
–– What are turds stuffed with?
Fidel Castro turns 90
–– Ted Cruz sends box of exploding cigars.
Europe is ‘humiliating’ Ankara: Turkish FM
–– Following Erdogan’s lead.
South Korea defends missile shield as residents shave heads
–– Hair wouldn’t have protected them from bombs anyway.
Weeping Joe Girardi shaken by Alex Rodriguez's exit
–– Joy can do that to you.
How Saturday Night Live Just Took a Huge Step Away from Toxic Bro Humor
–– Back to usual toxic no humor.
Union: U.S. Steel lays off 38 maintenance workers in Gary
–– Despite multiple filings.
The NRA’s false claim that Hillary Clinton doesn’t believe Americans can keep guns at home
–– Wouldn’t it save time to just list NRA’s true ones.
The world might be about to find out whether a train full of Nazi gold is really hidden in Poland
–– Or whether leprechauns ran the line.
Donald Trump to Lay Out ‘3 Pillars’ of Terrorism Plan, Aides Say
–– He's already established first 2 in U.S.
G.O.P. Urges Donald Trump to Broaden Outreach to Black Voters
–– Maybe buy a second African-American.
Why North Korea's capital is the 'perfect science fiction film set'
–– If you're shooting Buster Crabbe’s Flash Gordon serial.
Amazon unveils Prime Air plane
–– Delivered by drone to your door.
Mike Pence Campaigns With an Eye on His Own Future
–– Which is becoming harder and harder to see.
Donald Trump Threatens to Pull Press Credentials for The New York Times
–– Unless they can print paper so ink doesn't stain his little hands.
This Mom Is In Complete Shock That the Internet Body-Shamed Her Toddler
–– Should be glad it wasn’t her.
Team USA Is About to Be Kicked Off its Doping High Horse in Rio
–– Even pommel horse jacked with ketamine.
Trump advisor defends Katrina Pierson's Obama remarks
–– ‘Hey, our supporters are morons, too.’
Trump Adviser Jeff Sessions Says Campaign 'Is Not Over'
–– ‘It’s way under.’
Banned Russian athlete appeals
–– To cheaters.
Hacker releases cell phone numbers, personal emails of House Democrats
–– $20,000,000 transferred to 'Nigerian prince.'
Half of the high-paying jobs in America now require this skill
–– Masturbating boss with left hand.
Fmr. CBO director: Clinton has created trillions in deficits
–– Serving as President the past eight years.
Frustration abundant, GOP could be near breaking point Trump
–– Yes, he even slapped name on breaking point.
Border agents keep finding drugs hidden in food shipments — here are some of smugglers' most bizarre methods
–– But you'd expect Hi-C, Coke and Sno-Cones.
What We Learned About Trump’s Supporters This Week
–– They secretly love hip-hop.
Rio officials warn India: Your delegation is pushy and rude
–– Indian delegation: Your cuisine is insufficiently spicy and your bikini waxes really hurt!
Police help boy who tried to sell teddy bear for food, then make disturbing discovery
–– Leg was gnawed off.
Why 'Suicide Squad' Is the Spiritual Sequel to 'Batman & Robin'
–– As necessary as nipples on batsuit.
Robert De Niro Compares Donald Trump to 'Taxi Driver' Character
–– Trump: ‘You talkin’ ‘bout me?’
Hope Solo disappoints IOC with her ‘bunch of cowards’ rant about Sweden after U.S. soccer loss
–– Hoped she'd short sheet them, too.
R2-D2 Actor Kenny Baker Dies at 81
–– Weep weep! Weep weep weep! Weep weep!
POOL POTTY
Week of 08/12/16
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Donald Trump's biggest weakness
–– By square foot: the hair.
Michael Phelps: ‘Everybody Pees in the Pool’
–– Uh, no, Mikey, just you.
An Open Letter To Warner Bros CEO Kevin Tsujihara About Layoffs, Zack Snyder, and Donuts
–– To a hole about holes.
Trump: No White House? Then a 'very nice long vacation'
–– Americans: Trump White House? Then a 'very nice long vacation.'
'Making a Murderer': Brendan Dassey's conviction overturned
–– Netflix greenlights sequel.
Trump closes up shop in New Jersey
–– To be replaced by Crisp Christie's Donut Shoppe.
Donald Trump, tired of losing, tells Pennsylvania crowd he just wants to go home
–– In latest slang for 'buy the farm', hopefully.
The Whopperito: Burger King's newest food fusion
–– Original name: Whopperhea.
Fred Trump Taught His Son the Essentials of Showboating Self-Promotion
–– And self-abasement.
Phelps breaks 2,160-year-old record
–– Great Poseiden curseth his name.
Grandmother 'Heartbroken' After Dog Allegedly Eaten by Alligator at Florida Park
–– Bitch's daughter escaped jaws.
Man once imprisoned for road rage killing dies in road rage killing
–– Comes full circle, parks.
North Korea has developed its own Viagra — and it claims the drug can solve almost anything
–– Except rockets misfiring.
Donald Trump Team, RNC to Have a ‘Come to Jesus’ Meeting
–– Jesus: ‘Um, sorry, guys, I’m not gonna be in.’
Will Smith: 'Cleanse' America of Trump supporters
–– Will take a lot of castor oil.
Revisiting Michael Richards’s Art in the Age of Black Lives Matter
–– How his n••••r rant holds up.
NFL star + banana = must-see
–– Definitely not a tight end.
People caught stealing Trump signs
–– As he makes pitch.
Text about Chris Christie in Bridgegate: He 'flat out lied'
–– And fat out lied.
Macy’s is closing another 100 stores
–– Hello Kitty balloon seeks job in Kim Jung Un military parade.
‘Hard Knocks' NFLer cut for female visitor
–– She liked sight of blood.
Man smokes crack and strips naked while riding on downtown-bound 3 train in Harlem
–– Only illegal because it was express.
Hot mic picks up CBC commentator saying 14-year old Chinese swimmer ‘died like a pig’
–– Defends self: ‘I meant like one of those tasty BBQed ones slathered in sauce.’
Dying baby rhino gets CPR
–– And mouth-to-horn resuscitation.
Feds open talks on growing human organs in animals
–– Bestiality advocates consulted.
Donald Trump calls Obama 'founder of ISIS'
–– Says he saw video of “Founded by Barack Hussein Obama” plaque outside Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s cave.
Donald Trump: I meant that Obama founded ISIS, literally
–– Demands he produce certificate of incorporation.
Donald Trump Says He Was Being Sarcastic When He Claimed President Obama Founded ISIS
––
Adds: " I've got the best sense of irony, my sardonicism's the greatest.'
Duterte finally orders burial of Ferdinand Marcos
–– In Imelda's pumps.
Arianna Huffington steps down from HuffPo
–– Report on site cribbed from other source.
Disgraced ex-lawmaker sits behind Trump
–– Everyone disgraced by appearing at rally.
Prince Fielder's good-bye present: $106 million through 2020
–– Half of total payable in ribs.
General: Marines, put down those cell phones!
–– From the halls of T-Mobile to the shores of AT&T.
Alex Rodriguez-Joe Girardi Drama Making Yankees 'Farewell Tour' a Rocky Affair
–– A-Rod and reel.
Trump Tower Climber Captured, Tells Police He Wanted Meeting With Trump
–– Had to be high to want that.
Indian activist ends hunger strike after 16 years
–– Is naan-plussed.
Mom Arrested After Toddler Found Home Alone, Sucking On Frozen Chicken
–– Mom: 'Dr. Purdue prescribed it for teething.'
Report: Roger Ailes Wanted To 'Send People To Beat The Sh*t Out Of' A Reporter Who Chronicled Him
–– The slime Fox.
NBC exec: Donald Trump will 'never' be back on 'Celebrity Apprentice' -- but could return to the network
–– On The Biggest Loser.
Martin Sheen Calls "Don Trump" an "Empty-Headed Moron": "He Has No Chance"
–– K, Mart.
‘Resident Evil: The Final Chapter' Trailer, "We're Going to Kill Every Last One of Them"
–– Your brain cells.
Ryan Murphy Looking to Cast George W. Bush, Condoleezza Rice for New FX Series 'Katrina'
–– Already hired turd as "Heckuva job" Brownie.
‘Ghostbusters’ Heading for $70M-Plus Loss, Sequel Unlikely
–– Sexist box office blamed.
Anne Hathaway, Rihanna Join All-Female 'Oceans Eleven' Spinoff
–– Manhola Dargis just published rave review.
Tools solve Stone Age mystery
–– Look, they solved a mystery, no need for name-calling.
Philippines’ Duterte Calls U.S. Ambassador A Gay Son Of A Whore
–– Adds: 'The kind of whore you'd rape, but have a straight bastard with.'
DiCaprio’s Olympic doppelganger
–– If that’s German for ‘guy with vaguely similar facial hair.’
Trump: 'Second Amendment people' could deal with Clinton
–– In targeted campaign.
Dan Rather Remarks Denouncing Trump’s Assassination Threat Go Viral
–– First time he's gone viral since shingles in '07.
Couple married 63 years die minutes apart in same room
–– Tragically, husband had only 20 mintes of quiet.
US women's gymnasts are that good
–– And men ain’t.
Lilly King wins Russian duel in pool
–– With water pistols.
Elon Musk's (Very Brief) 'Suicide Squad' Review: "Needed More Joker"
–– Ours (even briefer): "Shit."
’Suicide Squad’ Star Jared Leto Says There’s Enough Cut Joker Footage for Standalone Movie
–– Even worse than first.
Louisiana jazz great Pete Fountain dies at 86
–– Gabriel lets him blow horn.
Muppet band plays first music festival
–– Snufflepalooza.
Marijuana candy sickens 19 at quinceañera
–– Girl turned 420.
Mission to Cheat Paralympians Is Russian Doping Scandal at Its Worst
–– Putin's Polonium-210 Cocktail for losers even worse.
Graham Crackers Were Invented to Curb Sexual Appetite
–– When ingested vaginally.
Taran Killam, Jay Pharoah Departing 'Saturday Night Live'
–– Taran? Kill 'im.
Rebecca Adlington appears to stroke the leg of BBC co-presenter during Olympics coverage
–– She’s disqualified: supposed to be backstroke.
Namibia’s Olympic flagbearer becomes SECOND boxer arrested on suspicion of attempting to rape woman in the Athlete’s Village
–– Vying for iron metal.
Former Rep. Patrick Kennedy: Stop calling Trump 'crazy'
–– Prefers 'fucking insane.'
Fox News staff feared Ailes monitoring
–– Latest slang for splooging on their screens.
Donald Trump’s Diet: He’ll Have Fries With That
–– Excess trans fats used as hair gel.
Rapper Bow Wow retiring makes Internet laugh
–– In hip-hop version of The Little Dog Laughed.
Japan’s Emperor Akihito fears age could impact ability to rule
–– Not sure how much longer he can sit and wave.
Freediver attacked by shark
–– Everyone appreciates a meal gratis.
‘Clock Boy' suit alleges civil rights violations
–– Wants school officials to do time.
Everything to Know About Alexandre Herchcovitch, Designer of Gisele’s Opening Ceremony Dress
–– You just read it.
What Are Those Purple Circles on Michael Phelps’ Back?
–– Where monkey was removed.
Martha Stewart, Snoop Dogg to Host Weekly 'Dinner Party' Show on VH1
–– Guess who’s bringing the hash.
Donald Trump gives major economic policy speech
–– Economists can’t stop laughing.
Bill and Hillary Clinton Are Not Worth $100 Million, as New Ad Claims
–– Because she turned down speaking fees from Kim Jong-un, El Chapo and Satan.
Video of Silicon Valley Mogul Kicking His Girlfriend 117 Times Could Send Him to Jail
–– Claimed he was ‘keeping her on toes.’
Poll: Young people's fear of white extremism varies by race
–– Color me shocked.
Courtney Stodden shaves head to 'give back with a symbolic gesture' after miscarriage
–– Mike Tyson only bald person to appreciate symbolism.
Florida Dad Reportedly Ditches 5-Year-Old Son Who Couldn’t Keep Up During Police Chase
–– After he tried selling to passerby.
Rudy Giuliani: Maybe 'Short Circuit' is Clinton's 'Euphemism for Lying'
–– ‘Opening mouth’ his.
Shirtless Justin Trudeau Emerges From Cave, Photobombs Wedding
–– Bops bride over head with club, drags back to lair.
NBC announcer criticized for saying swimmer's husband 'responsible' for gold medal
–– Announcer's mother blamed.
Iran executes nuclear scientist who was convicted of spying
–– Denied fission license.
Trump Woos Sanders Supporters And Snubs Cruz Fans
–– Woo who?
Green Party Picks Its Presidential Ticket
–– Kermit and the Grinch.
Roger Ailes reportedly used Fox News cash to finance 'Black Room' ops against journalists
–– In latest slang for anal sex parties.
This 63-Year-Old Grandmother Could Help Swing Vote Against Trump
–– If she could only pick it up.
Roger Ailes Sexually Harassed Me. I Thought I Was The First and Last
–– By Bill O’Reilly.
Bill Maher to Julian Assange: ‘Why no hacks into the Donald Trump campaign?’
–– Assange: 'We're trying to cause anarchy and destroy the system. Duh!'
Julian Assange Claim of ‘Working on’ Hacking Trump’s Tax Returns Was ‘a Joke’
–– He’s Don Rickles of leakers.
Trump’s love affair with presidency is over
–– After giving campaign the clap.
‘Suicide Squad’ Smashes Records in Box Office Debut
–– Not worth killing yourself to see.
Box-Office Analysis: What's Behind 'Suicide Squad's' Huge Saturday Drop?
–– Huge crowd on Friday with means of communication.
Robert De Niro to Receive Lifetime Achievement Award at Sarajevo Film Festival
–– Before Dirty Grandpa opens there.
Trevor Noah, Tracy Morgan, Tig Notaro to Perform at New York Comedy Festival
–– As caterers?
ZIKA AND DESTROY
Week of 08/05/16
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
NBC is Airing a Ton of Commercials During the Olympics’ Opening Ceremony and People Aren’t Happy
–– Sponsors: Deet, Brita water filters, PEDs, Brazil nuts.
How Howard Stern gave us Donald Trump
–– His sickest joke.
Today’s Google doodle celebrates Rio Olympics 2016 in a fruity way
–– Which offends participating Muslim countries.
Olympic breakthrough for Iran: a 1st female flagbearer
–– Without pole through chest.
Here's what Kobe Bryant would tell his 17-year-old self about money
–– ‘Pay for the sex first.’
Trump References Iran Video He Has Never Seen
–– With made-up facts from briefing book he never read.
Crackheads, bums and hookers have taken over Washington Square Park
–– And some, I assume, are good people.
As Zika fears escalate, lawmakers point fingers from afar
–– Afar from where mosquitoes roam.
A whale that predates the Titanic is still splashing through the Pacific
–– Also hooked up with various u-boats.
Stockton mayor arrested, accused of playing strip poker with a minor and giving them alcohol
–– So drunk he was seeing double.
Obama warns Trump not to spread details of security briefings
–– Trump: 'Like I'd even read them. I have better facts than the generals.'
Scantily-Clad Astros Fan Wows the Internet With Striking Homemade Attire
–– Yeah, dudes were totally admiring stitchery.
Gaps in Melania Trump's immigration story raise questions
–– Mystery deeper than her cleavage.
Russian diplomat in Rio shoots, kills robber during mugging
–– Takes early lead in pistol competition.
Average Weight of an American Man is 15 Pounds More Than 20 Years Ago
–– Fatties disappointed they missed one-per-year goal.
ABC Renews 3 Retro Sunday Game Shows
–– Not Trump Cards.
Crowd boos Hope Solo during USA's Olympic opener
–– Swarm buzzes.
Last house in Rio's Olympic Park slum demolished
–– Along with inhabitants.
AP Exclusive: North Korea Hopes to Plant Flag on the Moon
–– Plan to launch flag in 2020.
Darling Pit Bull Mix Befriends a Stray Dog and Brings Him Home for Dinner
–– Family finds him ‘delicious.’
Kerry defends $400 million payment to Iran, says U.S. pays no ransoms
–– 'I was for the Iran payoff before I was against it.'
The Brownbacklash Is Finally Here: Kansas Primary Voters Send Conservatives Packing
–– Toilets across state back up.
Remembering the biggest mass murder in the history of the world
–– With slogan Tse-tung's the One!
Judge Nap Blasts Obama Admin for 'Reprehensible,' 'Lawless' Stockpiling of Gun Owner Info
–– When awakened.
WikiLeaks Demands More Than Getting Rid of Wasserman Schultz
–– Wants DNC to pay Julian Assange insulting fee.
Trumpkins criticize their candidate — on the record
–– Dunkin’ Donuts to remove item on menus.
Obama frees grandmother of Denver Broncos' Demaryius Thomas
–– From linebacker’s grasp.
Clint Eastwood Would Choose Trump Over Clinton, Says We’re Living in ‘P—y Generation’
–– The man with no clue.
Orlando man accused of throwing Pinky the flamingo to her death at Busch Gardens
–– Defense hasn't leg to stand on.
Gavin Polone: Sorry, Hollywood, I Can't Be Shamed Into Voting for Hillary Clinton
–– Or taking my name off 8MM, Celebrity Temps or My Super Ex-Girlfriend.
Antonio Sabato Jr. Says Hollywood is Blacklisting Him for Supporting Donald Trump
–– It’s like McCarthyism! Melissa's!
Home Plate Umpire Ejects Fan from Giants-Phillies Game for Heckling Him
–– Phully phanatic.
Jamie Dimon: I miss my parents, but I love what I do
–– So I’m glad I sold them.
Trump’s Former Campaign Manager Turned CNN Pundit Goes Full Birther On Live TV
–– Still birther.
Steven Mnuchin: Trump Has Spent $56M on Campaign
–– Why didn't he just invest it in Gawker?
Will Smith: "Racism Is Not Getting Worse, It's Getting Filmed"
–– Aw, now we’re going to have to agree with Will Smith?
‘Suicide Squad' Fans Petition Rotten Tomatoes to Shut Down After Poor Reviews
–– And negative critics to have tastes removed.
Private company gets OK to fly to the moon
–– In space ship Sinatra.
French president: Trump gives me 'retching feeling'
–– That’s how he gets donors to cough up.
Opinion: Actually, Trump has a point
–– Obscured by hairdo.
Revealed at Madame Tussauds: Donald Trump's Actual Hand Size
–– And level of wax inside head.
NBC’s Rio Olympics Producer: "We're Fine" in Face of Zika, Body Parts and Doping
–– Can’t get face out of IOC’s certain body part.
Hackers steal millions in bitcoins
–– Make getaway in schematic for hovercraft.
Trump Spokesperson Blames Obama for Khan’s Death — Four Years Before He Became President
–– And for Genghis and Kublai’s.
Katrina Pierson: Khan supports Sharia law (he doesn't)
–– And is trying to impose it on London residents.
1 text haunts this woman
–– From Ghost of Christmas Past.
Why millennials are having less sex than Generation Xers
–– That whole freakin’ generation was rated X.
Donald Trump says The New York Times doesn't "write good"
–– “Not as better as I talk.”
This job interview question was just banned in Massachusetts
–– ‘Will you pahk my cah?’
Nude Melania Trump photos 'celebration of human body'
–– And melonier than you’d expect.
Mystery whale shocks scientists
–– On To Tell the Truth.
Birmingham 16th Street Baptist Church bomber seeks parole
–– He’s 86, next time he can petition Satan.
Trump gifted Purple Heart, says he 'always wanted' one
–– Brags how he earned 'Purple Dick" before marrying Melania.
’Is Donald Trump plain crazy?’ Big-name writers now questioning GOP nominee’s sanity
–– And the deviants that endorsed him?
NYPD Commissioner Bill Bratton resigning, Chief of Department James O'Neill to take over; abrupt departure comes amid reports of private sector job offer
–– Because BaldLivesMatter.
Skydiver plummets with no parachute
–– Inspired by Trump campaign.
Former FBI employee pleads guilty to being 'agent of China'
–– And receiving 10% on Party character appearances.
Donald Trump says he hopes daughter 'would find another career' if sexually harassed
–– ‘Not you, Ivanka, Daddy needs his baby.’
Apple replaces the pistol emoji with a water gun
–– NRA wets pants.
‘Just a child inside the rhino enclosure'
–– Horned in.
Mel Gibson, Sean Penn to Star in 'Professor and the Madman'
–– Both battling for second lead.
‘Suicide Squad’ Director Apologizes for ‘F— Marvel’ Comment at Premiere
–– Blamed unbalanced behavior on DC spell.
NY Governor Andrew Cuomo wants sex offenders off Pokemon Go
–– Nicknamed Poking Man Go.
CNN’s Fareed Zakaria Calls Trump A 'Bulls*** Artist'
–– ‘But an absolute Michelangelo!’
Roger Stone, Trump Allies Smear Muslim War Hero As Al-Qaeda Double Agent
–– And selves with feces.
Trump adviser: Melania nude picture 'nothing to be embarrassed about'
–– As opposed to his naked lies.
Rio Olympics 2016: Australian athletes 'robbed' during fire evacuation
–– Kangaroo pouches jimmied.
How Paul Manafort Wielded Power in Ukraine Before Advising Donald Trump
–– Putin one's foot in one's mouth.
Starz Chief on New Stripper Drama: ‘Pussy Valley’ Is ‘Right Title for That Show’
–– And Capitol Hill.
How the ‘Stupid Party’ Created Donald Trump
–– Play D'oh.
People Keep Trying to Take Batarangs Onto Airplanes, Despite the TSA's Pleas
–– They should be seated on ‘bat’ wing.
Terry Gilliam begins production on 'The Man Who Killed Don Quixote'
–– An autobiography.
J.K. Rowling Confirms End of Harry Potter Series: 'Harry Is Done Now'
–– Overcooked some say.
Olympic Athletes at Risk of Becoming 'Violently Ill' from Rio Water, Says AP
–– Expect world record runs.
Khloé Kardashian Is Worried for Lamar Odom's Health After He Asked Her for Cash
–– And she kneed him in balls.
Trump rescued from stalled elevator
–– Why?
Top Jeb Bush adviser leaves GOP, will vote for Clinton if Florida close
–– After swimming to surface from sunken boat.
Khamenei: Average Iranian not benefiting from nuclear deal
–– ‘I made sure of that.’
Dallas Weatherman Resigns After Post Bashing DNC For 'Parading Mothers of Slain Thugs'
–– Amid flood of complaints.
NASA Spacecraft Set to Explore Giant Asteroid That Could Destroy Earth
–– Announces new director Michael Bay.
Mark Cuban: Donald Trump Has Gone 'Crazy'
–– Without quote marks.
Khizr Khan says Trump's answer to his speech is 'typical of a person without a soul'
–– Or reflection in mirror.
In clash between Trump and the Khans, new signs of a cultural and political divide
–– Star Trump II: The Revenge of Khan.
Trump is the first modern Republican to win the nomination based on racial prejudice
–– This year.
This Is Where Illegal Food Goes To Die
–– NJ Governor’s mansion.
McCain: Trump defamed Khan, does not represent GOP
–– Trump: ‘No one’s more defamous than me!’
Yankees’ Rodriguez Makes History with Golden Sombrero at Age 41
–– Could use Kailua Sombrero.
Fethullah Gulen on 'GPS': Failed Turkey coup looked 'like a Hollywood movie'
–– One Flew Over the Cuckoo Coup’s Nest.
Khizr Khan: Trump has a 'black soul'
–– Trump: ‘Fo shizzle, dawg!’
Trump says Putin is 'not going to go into Ukraine,' despite Crimea
–– ‘Again. Didn’t you hear me say again?
Koch brothers network rules out anti-Clinton ads
–– But not hit squads.
Trump to Khizr Khan: 'I've made a lot of sacrifices'
–– ‘On the blood-stained stone altar atop Trump Tower.’
Trump: 'You can get the baby out of here'
–– 'We already met our Dark Lord's quota.'
Kanye West Tells Apple CEO Tim Cook to Give Jay Z ‘His Check for Tidal Now’
–– Tidal waiver.
The Reviews Are In: Conservatives Say The DNC Was 'Disaster' For The GOP
–– Two thumbs up elephant's ass.
Trump broaches alliance with China and Russia against ISIS
–– New Axis of Evil.