IOWA CORKERS
Week of 01/29/16
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
6 Reasons to Be Wary of Iowa Polls
–– 3. We're talking a couple 100,000 shitkickers.
5 takeaways from no-Trump debate
–– 1. This is why he's leading.
TV Ratings: Fox News Debate Numbers Steady Without Donald Trump
–– Elderly viewers don't know how to switch channels on remote.
Barbie's new shapes: Tall, petite and curvy
–– New construction materials: Nerf, patent leather, human flesh.
Open-air urinal opens at San Francisco park to combat public urination
–– Park bench installed to combat public sitting.
What happens if you're born on a plane?
–– Don't try running against Trump for president.
Former Providence, Rhode Island mayor Vincent 'Buddy' Cianci dies
–– Expect tasteful burial at sea in cement overcoat.
French New Wave Filmmaker Jacques Rivette Dies at 87
–– Celine and Julie go boating, dump body overboard.
This Woman Believes That She Is A Cat Trapped In A Human Body
–– Will lick anyone that disagrees.
James Murdoch, who quit in phone-hacking scandal, returns as Sky chairman
–– Tapped for position.
Apple recalls power cord over shock risk
–– And baked Apples.
Armed Man Arrested at Disneyland Paris
–– Claimed he was hunting 'giant ducks.'
Lego unveils its first disabled figure
–– Leg? Ohh.
Israeli vulture detained in Lebanon on suspicion of being a spy
–– Suspected of hatching plot.
Univision Chases Millennials (and an IPO) With Deal for The Onion
–– Too genuinely funny to be Onion headline.
Bloomberg editor quits: We can't cover Michael Bloomberg aggressively
–– Noticed name on letterhead for first time.
Some McDonald’s Mozzarella Sticks Are Missing the Cheese
–– Ronald had pity.
UNESCO Chief to Confront Rouhani Over Iran's Holocaust Cartoon Contests
–– Demands submissions be funnier.
El Chapo Isn’t Receiving Conjugal Visits In Prison, For A Change
–– Guards performing wifely duties.
Wounded Warrior Project Accused of Wasting Donor Money
— After vets paid an arm and a leg.
12 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Became a Flight Attendant
–– 8. They won't let you wear snuggie at sleepy time.
Photo of a Potato Sold for More Than $1 Million
–– Opened some eyes.
Scarborough: 'I'd rather set myself on fire' than attend debate with Megyn Kelly
–– Show us, show us!
Anne Frank's stepsister compares Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler
–– With worse hair.
Schizophrenia Study Offers New Insight Into Its Cause
–– Causes?
One Million Moms is standing up to the twin evils of Lucifer and Olive Garden
–– Road to Hell paved with breadsticks.
Eichmann Begged for Life After Helping Kill Millions
–– Did Nazi that coming.
Ben Carson: Uneducated voters a 'threat'
–– To other candidates.
Ex-TV show host "Mr. Wonder" arrested in 37-year-old sex abuse case
–– Wonder no more.
Selena Gomez on Acting: ‘I Haven’t Touched the Surface of What I’m Able to Do’
–– 'Sneezed on, squirted at, farted in the general direction of, but never really touched.'
Mammoth bones found under stadium
–– Of San Jose SaberCats.
Joseph Fiennes Set to Play Michael Jackson In 9/11 Drama
–– Ralph Fiennes Janet.
What Happened to Jane Mayer When She Wrote About the Koch Brothers
–– She got Koch and a slime.
U.S. Nazi hunter has one active case
–– He’s 92: not too active.
Moldova crisis: An elite power grab?
–– Elite? It's Moldava.
Kerry Washington Debuts Edgy Bob And We’re Loving It
–– Dig his beats.
Chrissy Teigen Flaunts Her Baby Bump, Flashes Underboob on Sexy Date Night With John Legend
–– Underboob is personal assistant's affectionate nickname.
Hamas militants 'missing' after Gaza tunnel collapse
–– Quick, send in rescue worms!
Mother, Son Charged With Smuggling Gun Parts to Philippines
–– In manila envelopes.
Tennessee teen dies after drinking racing fuel
–– Was very quick death.
How 'The Mountain' From 'Game of Thrones' Gained 170 Pounds
–– Ate super-high calorie diet and Peter Dinklage.
Here’s the Video of Kendall Jenner and Gigi Hadid Twerking in Chanel That You've Been Dreaming Of
–– When you've passed out after six Strawberry Banana Daiquiris, awakened in pool of vomit.
Iran says warns U.S. warship to leave waters near Strait of Hormuz
–– Says warns or insists warns?
America’s 'everything' fighter jet is a total disaster
–– Pepperoni landing flaps dysfunctional.
Boy in plastic Messi jersey found
–– Told to straighten up.
Ammon Bundy, other protesters arrested in Oregon; LaVoy Finicum killed
–– Ammon, Rah!
LaVoy Finicum: ‘I Would Rather Die Than Be Caged’
–– You win.
Animal extinct 100 years ago is back
–– And wants to vote for Oscars.
Doomsday Clock: 3 minutes to go
–– D-Day app now available for Apple Watch.
Poll: 57% pessimistic about futur
–– 100% pessimistic about polls about future.
Abe Vigoda, ‘Godfather’ and ‘Barney Miller’ Actor, Dies
–– Again.
Abe Vigoda: 13 Things You Didn’t Know About ‘Godfather,’ ‘Barney Miller’ Actor
–– 11. Is sleeping with Fish.
Oscars 2016: Ian McKellen asks why no gay man has ever won Best Actor
–– Is he sure?
Gun violence not a mental health issue, experts say, pointing to 'anger,' suicides
–– Which are not mental health issues?
Long-lost Beatrix Potter tale, 'Kitty-in-Boots,' rediscovered
–– Puss to sue for plagiarism.
Maine gov.: Bring back the guillotine
–– Of course: his neck too fat to fit.
Some Carnivores Excel at Unlocking Dinner
–– Christie has skeleton key.
Donald Trump hits a new high
–– GOP a new low.
Panthers fan falls out of stands
–– Doesn't land on feet.
Cheap oil fails to kill U.S. boom
–– Boom too dumb to die.
More plastic than fish in oceans by 2050
–– Fishermen to save on nets.
Paul Ryan: GOP 'circular firing squad' could cost the party 2016
–– Calls ‘circle jerk’ off.
Ted Cruz Singles Out Anti-Abortion Groups In Flint For Water Donations
–– Dehydration limits frothing at mouth.
Obama jokes: 'I shoveled all this stuff!’
–– Referring to Capitol bullshit.
Clinton’s email excuses are falling apart
–– CC, señor.
Gov. Chris Christie on NJ flooding: 'Want me to go down there with a mop?'
–– No, a straw.
German refugee camps are so awful that migrants are trying to get passports to go back home
–– Every meal: Sauerkraut!
Oscar Voter Rips Diversity Plan: "Try Telling the NBA to Hire More White, Latino, Chinese or Eskimo Players"
–– Eskimos could definitely improve 76ers.
Putin denounces Soviet founder Lenin
–– 'He was not enough man to be photographed bare-chest!'
California jailbreak: "They let Hannibal Lecter out"
–– Lecter demands apology: ‘Who’d he eat?’
Romans cover their nudes for Iranian leader's visit
–– Don’t want to offend barefaced liar.
Zika virus: Outbreak 'likely to spread across Americas' says WHO
–– Afraid smaller heads will prevail.
Report: Syria's al-Nusra 'more dangerous' than ISIS
–– On scale of 1 to Orcs.
2 Abortion Foes Behind Planned Parenthood Videos Are Indicted
–– For fetal tissue of lies.
Matthew Perry Doesn’t Remember Filming 3 Seasons of Friends
–– No one should remember those.
Woody Allen to Star in His Amazon Series Opposite...Miley Cyrus?
–– Isn’t she kinda old for him?
Donald Trump said he'd kill terrorists' families at a rally. His crowd went wild.
–– Until they realized he meant their rally. Now.
Will Australia ditch the Queen?
–– Along winding mountain road?
Obama Says He Doesn't Yearn for Third Term
–– Early candidate for Understatement of Year.
Ted Cruz Tells Reporters "I'm a Christian First, American Second"
–– “Actually, Liar First, Christian Second, American Third. Make that Fanatic First, Liar Second, Christian Third…"
Praise for photograph of female firefighter breastfeeding
–– From left hydrant.
Televangelist Wants $125M Christian Resort in San Diego
–– Ask Jesus for loan.
The Bear From 'The Revenant' Speaks Out About Having His Face In Leonardo DiCaprio's Butt
–– 'Felt like Martin Scorsese.'
Man wanted for killing 2 nephews in Arcadia agrees to extradition
–– Cries ‘Uncle!’
Trump’s wife remains private despite prospect of presidency
–– Said to be ‘excited’ to move to Presidential Palace in Ljubljana.
Dixie Chicks' Natalie Maines: 'I'm Ashamed Ted Cruz Claims to Be American’
–– Well, he’s certainly Texan.
5 Things I Wish My Husband Knew About Menopause
–– 2. It’s not the condition, you just really annoy me.
The long history of Muslims and Christians killing people together
–– An inspiring tale of cooperation.
Woman locked up in bunker by Swedish doctor demands damages
–– For sore back due to IKEA bed.
Spider Shows Off His Big Paddle to Woo Mates
–– Masochistic mates.
Matt Damon on the 2016 Oscar Diversity Controversy: 'It's Shameful and Embarrassing’
–– Like we Bought a Zoo.
Putin tells government to use its rainy-day funds 'carefully'
–– 'Make it rain vodka.'
Rumsfeld: George H.W. Bush did son Jeb a disservice with biography
–– Reminding readers he's family member.
McDonald’s sales soar thanks to all day breakfast
–– For those asleep at wheel.
Cespedes is the final step: The laughingstock Mets are gone
–– They’ll be missed, probably not for long.
Christie explains low approval ratings
–– Lap band choked off charisma.
Beck: Cruz is next George Washington
–– I’m next Jefferson. Davis.
Glenn Beck: Donald Trump shooting remark 'dangerous'
–– 'And I just love danger!'
Sundance: Daniel Radcliffe’s Farting Corpse Movie Prompts Walk-Outs
–– Fans blown away.
Rare 'walking' fish found
–– Thumbing ride to aquarium.
Broadway Shows Cancelled, Movie Theaters Darkened Due to Blizzard
–– Snow on TV.
Ancient pots found with food inside
–– Talk about potstickers.
Trump: I could 'shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose voters'
–– ‘Especially if it was one of them in brain.’
Sumner Redstone to get mental exam
–– Preparing Hedstone.
Prices cut 50% at doomed Walmarts
–– Salaries 100%.
Trump knocks Bush for turning to ‘mommy'
–– Careful, ‘mommy’ could kick your ass.
Madison Square Garden Executives Reportedly Fired Amid Ticket-Scalping Scandal
–– Stubhubbub.
PALIN IN COMPARISON
Week of 01/22/16
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Sarah Palin endorses Trump
–– Nailing down dolt voters 18 to 80.
Amy Schumer Accused of Stealing Jokes
–– And then beating them to death.
Sarah Palin’s Oldest Son Arrested on Domestic Assault Charges
–– Was celebrating Trump endorsement.
Palin cites son's PTSD at rally
–– At least she can't blame Obama for that…
Sarah Palin Somehow Links Son's Domestic Violence Arrest To Obama
–– Boy, is she off beatin' Track.
World's Most Wanted Criminal Found Working at a Subway Restaurant in the UK
–– Masterminded 10" Footlong.
Texas man gets life in prison for 10th drunk driving offense
–– Responds: 'I'll drink to that!'
What Ted Cruz Promised His Daughters if He Wins the Presidency
–– They'd see even less of him.
Lena Dunham on Ending 'Girls' After Season 6: "We Wanted to Make Sure We Kept the Momentum Alive"
–– "We're hoping momentum materializes in Season 5."
Saudi Arabia’s Top Cleric Forbids Chess, but Players Maneuver
–– Would allow match if loser beheaded.
Graham: Choice between Trump, Cruz like 'being shot or poisoned'
––
'Carson like bein' shot with a poisoned arrow.'
U.S.-Iran relations spook Saudis
–– And they're ones in ghost-white sheets.
WWI German sub found off coast
–– Cartoon fisherman had das Boot on line.
Man slices off wife's nose
–– Spites face.
George Zimmer: Trump and GOP rhetoric is 'un-American'
–– He don’t look good, we don’t look good.
Ted Cruz says he doesn't have health insurance, blames Obamacare
–– Insurers refused to cover pre-existing mental illness.
Spanish Referee Allegedly Asks Female Player to Go Out with Him During Game
–– Looking for free kicks.
Convicted serial killer on Louisiana death row dies at hospital
–– State: "Dang!"
The fairy tales older than Jesus
–– The Virgin Mary, The Marriage of the Virgin, The Flight Into Egypt.
‘American Pie' singer on domestic violence arrest: 'I am not a villain'
–– Claims wife 'singin' this'll be the day that I die' just quoting lyrics.
Mt. Sinai Doctor Accused Of Drugging Patient, Ejaculating On Her
–– And he’s not even a dermatologist.
Bob Dole Warns of ‘Cataclysmic’ Losses With Ted Cruz, and Says Donald Trump Would Do Better
–– With ‘apocalyptic’ losses.
Jimmy Buffett Remembers Glenn Frey as a Friend, Professional, Inspiration & Sometimes a 'Handful'
–– Jimmy would occasionally ‘buffet his eagle.’
Sharing His Sex Slave and Other Highlights From the Islamic State’s Obituary for Jihadi John
–– Remembered as 'generous' by co-rapists.
Drug Traffickers Give Themselves In To Police While High And Paranoid
–– Now low and paranoid.
Gang warfare in El Salvador pushes death rate to record
–– Retired Sandanistas gracious in ceding title.
Here’s how Bruce Willis will appear in Die Hard: Year One
–– Bored.
California has 'a shot out of the drought' if El Niño rain persists
–– Residents flash thumbs-up from beneath mudslide.
R. Kelly Says He's Ready to Forgive Family Member for Years of Alleged Sexual Abuse
–– If his victims forgive him.
Man Arrested for Trying to Save His 3 Dogs From Burning Home
–– Had can of kerosene, Bic lighter and matches in their paws.
Golf star: 'Don't mind dying penniless’
–– Ha, good one, Jack Nicklaus…poor folks dying laughing.
Artist Shepard Fairey Lists in Los Angeles for $1.84 Million
–– On O-Bey.
Sundance: Did Anthony Weiner Movie Trim Scenes Damaging to Hillary Clinton?
–– There is circumcisional evidence.
Putin 'Probably Approved' Litvinenko Poisoning, British Inquiry Says
–– Concluded he'd been Putin someone up to it.
Death of sacred turtle stuns Hanoi
–– Slooowly.
Aubrey Plaza Talks Filming Sex Scene with Robert De Niro for Dirty Grandpa: 'A Lot of Interesting Stuff Went Down'
–– ‘But nothing stood up.’
Ex-aide: Ben Carson 'not comfortable with homosexuality’
–– "Won't even sing 'don we now our gay apparel' in Deck the Halls."
Pro-Bush group hits Christie
–– Bounces off.
‘Lost city' revealed deep in jungle
–– Tarzan giving tours.
‘Clueless’ Actress Stacey Dash Calls for Elimination of Black History Month, BET
–– Wants Bill O’Reilly to refer to her as his mandinga.
Concentration camp to be resort
–– Don’t miss Mel Gibson Holiday Package.
Caitlyn Jenner to Publish a Memoir About Her Transformation
–– Working title: Bruced Ego.
Governor Says of Flint Water Crisis, ‘I Let You Down’
–– Not enough lead in water.
Flint: 'We can't just drink the water'
–– 'We gotta chew it.'
As Rehnquist Clerk, Cruz Showed Zeal for Death Penalty
–– And death in general.
Volvo promises deathproof cars by 2020
–– With roadside suicide assistance in Swedish models.
Woman can sniff out Parkinson’s
–– Parkinson’s what?
Jennifer Lawrence to Play Fidel Castro’s Lover for Sony
–– Co-starring Cuba Gooding Jr.
Berlin Adds Spike Lee’s ‘Chi-Raq,’ Completes Lineup
–– Feared boycott.
Oscar winner Jamie Foxx rescues driver from burning vehicle
–– In remake of Crash.
2015 Was by Far the Hottest Year on Record, Scientists Find
–– Mostly due to JLo red carpet appearances.
Pamela Anderson fights foie gras
–– In Scrabble, loses.
Your smell reveals if you're sick
–– Whew, please step away from the screen –– and cover your mouth while doing it.
New attack submarine named
–– “Jaws.”
Freed by Iran, he's going to 'Star Wars’
–– Was Disney World closed?
From Antarctica to Africa, penguins are facing extinction
–– Need to trade in tuxes for monokinis.
Chocolate-covered fries at McDonald’s?
–– McBarf.
Navy SEAL allegedly kept picture of bin Laden's corpse
–– Used it on X-mas card.
Confused about the Clinton/Sanders gun fight? Here are the facts.
–– Showdown at the Oy Vey Corral.
Shorty Awards Nominees Include Adele, Kevin Hart, Amy Schumer
–– El Chapo may not be able to attend.
China posts slowest annual economic growth in 25 years
–– When they really started lying about the numbers.
ISIS cuts its fighters' salaries by 50%
–– And virgins in Paradise slashed to 36.
Model Stephanie Seymour arrested, accused of DUI
–– Dressing Under the Influence.
North Korea's latest boast: Alcohol without the hangover
–– But leaves unquenchable thirst for power.
Glenn Frey, Eagles Guitarist, Dies at 67
–– Now Bowie will have some back-up…
Dale Griffin, Mott the Hoople Drummer and Co-Founder, Dies at 67
–– … on All the Young Dudes.
The Big Search to Find Out Where Dogs Come From
–– And who let them out.
Lucky Blue Smith and Cameron Dallas Cause a Frenzy in Milan
–– And in casting room for Zoolander 3.
Flight attendant quits, vanishes
–– Passengers still awaiting salty snacks.
Navy’s new 'Excalibur' weapon tested
–– Sinks Lady in Lake.
Coast Guard seeks $1B icebreaker
–– To be used at particularly awkward social events.
Pakistani teen cuts off hand after cleric accuses him of blasphemy
–– For ‘flogging the infidel.’
Cuba Gooding Jr.: O.J. Simpson Is the ‘Hardest Role I’ve Ever Played’
–– If the role doesn’t fit, you get this shit.
Oscars: Linda Perry Apologizes for Alleging That Lady Gaga's Song Nomination Is Bogus
–– Meant to state it unequivocally.
Oscars: Spike Lee Refuses to Attend Awards Due to All-White Acting Nominees
–– Insists Black Joints Matter.
Jada Pinkett Smith on Lack of Oscar Diversity: "We Are Rarely Recognized”
–– “Well, he is, but not me so much.”
Oscars 2016: Charlotte Rampling says diversity row is 'racist to white people'
–– In Trump-like bid for Best Actress votes.
David Bowie's 'Blackstar' Album Debuts at No. 1 on Billboard 200 Chart
–– Promo campaign killed.
UK lawmakers to debate Trump ban
–– Once they stop laughing at thing on head.
The world's richest people have …
–– More money than you.
MLK Day: Why on Monday and what was Stevie Wonder's role?
–– Cutting to heart of Dr. King’s message.
3 U.S. contractors 'missing' in Iraq
–– ‘Contractors’ doing reno work?
Big banks brace for oil loans to implode
–– Going to need hazmat suits.
Steve Coogan, John C. Reilly to Star in Stan Laurel, Oliver Hardy Movie
–– Another fine mess.
Trump has “great relationship” with God
–– “He caddies on my Sunday rounds.”
Cardinals get badly needed wake-up call
–– In tweets.
Sanders: 'Disappointed' by Chelsea Clinton attack
–– Ingrate!
Cher sends water to poisoned city
–– City rejects offer of Greatest Hits albums for every resident.
Sean Penn: Government set me up
–– I was innocently pursuing an illegal interview with the world’s most notorious narco-terrorist and the object of a massive manhunt when suddenly, out of nowhere…
Florida begins huge snake hunt
–– In latest slang for male stripper auditions.
Jerry Bruckheimer Praises Donald Trump: ‘He’s Very Smart’
–– Like calling David Duke ‘well-coiffed.’
Accused Preppy Murderer Asks D.A. to Spare Him Because They Went to the Same School
–– Said he would have strangled dad with school tie if he’d kept it.
Why Sanders has to expand base
–– Ex-hippies dying off.
NASCAR star confronts heckler
–– Heckler lucky Tony Stewart wasn’t in car.
Captors to U.S. sailors: Act happy
–– Uniranically.
TED TICKS
Week of 01/15/16
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
New York Daily News to Cruz: 'Drop Dead, Ted’
–– Eh?
Dow drops 1,400 points in 2 weeks
–– Xiexie, Maofucker.
Rupert Murdoch Calls "Bullshit" on Report of Diminished Role for Fox News' Roger Ailes
–– Everyone else calls "Bullshit" on Fox News.
Queen resigns after THIS surfaces
–– Grainy black & white stag film Pump and Circumstance.
EXCLUSIVE: Kristy Garett, Playboy magazine's 749th Playmate, is the last to bare all in pages of men's magazine
–– Flagpoles at half-mast.
Anderson Cooper outfits a Virginia police department's entire K-9 unit with bulletproof vests after police dog is killed
–– Come in paisley, polka dot and tartan.
‘I am disgusted at the insults’: De Blasio rips Ted Cruz, demands an apology to city for ‘values’ insult
–– ‘I mean, he’s not even a cop.’
Walmart closing 269 stores worldwide, impacting 10,000 American employees
–– Employer offers golden parachutes from toy soldier sets.
Errol Morris Heads to Trial Against Irate Female "Rapist" at Center of 2011 Documentary
–– Expects to be tied up.
‘Grizzly Adams’ Star Dan Haggerty Dies at 74
–– Remains left for Revenant bear.
Sean Penn Secretly Interviewed Mexican Drug Lord ‘El Chapo’
–– ‘Journalist’ dubbed El Chumpo.
Will Sean Penn Face Legal Trouble for Secretly Interviewing El Chapo?
–– And be sentenced to life of free publicity?
Mexico Officially Begins Extradition of 'El Chapo' to U.S
–– Will allow him to tunnel to cell in Texas.
‘El Chapo’ Case Draws Mexico Closer to United States
–– In spirit of cluelessness.
Charlie Rose Lands First TV Interview With Sean Penn Post-El Chapo
–– Located him through Sinaloa cartel hitmen.
Sean Penn on El Chapo Meeting: "We're Not Smarter than the DEA or the Mexican Intelligence"
–– “Or that doorknob over there.”
Naked rampage in Waffle House
–– Flapjacks flipped at customers.
Outrage over Charlie Hebdo cartoon of dead toddler Alan Kurdi as sex attacker
–– The best defense is a good offense?
Annie Leibovitz: I made Amy Schumer 'put the underpants on'
–– 'No one wanted shot of the Schumidor.'
Backstreet Boy charged with battery
–– How he got juiced.
Anglicans suspend Episcopal Church over same-sex marriage
–– Insist they return to policy of Doth Not Ask, Doth Not Tell.
Alan Rickman, giant of British film and theatre, dies at 69
–– To be buried truly madly deeply.
Ice age delayed by humans... by 100,000 years
–– Check back then for update.
Officials: Fake carrots hid ton of pot
–– Buzzed Bugs gave away plot.
Archaeologists find village frozen in time
–– Just before it melts.
Chipotle wants you to come back
–– Hope product will repeat on consumers.
Why Al Jazeera America Seemed Doomed From the Get-Go
–– What’s in a name?
The Super Easy Thing Carrie Underwood Does to Get Killer Legs
–– Trips murderers.
Airline Employees Spill 12 Fascinating Secrets That Passengers Don't Know
–– 11. Your Kosher meal ain’t.
Led Zeppelin Accused of ‘Pure Fishing Expedition’ in ‘Stairway to Heaven’ Lawsuit
–– 'A sort of trial balloon…of led.'
ISIS Burns Its Own Jihadis Alive After They Lost Ramadi to the Iraqi Army
–– Iraq gets chilly in January.
North Korea Turns More Erratic as Kim's Inner Circle Shrinks
–– They’re already under 5 ft.
Selena Gomez Wears Red Leather in a Way You're Guaranteed to Have Never Seen Before
–– On her teeth.
Why the Bathroom of a Pizza Place Moved One Mom to Tears
–– The stench.
’Making a Murderer': Steven Avery’s Ex-Fiancee Calls Him a ‘Monster’
–– Filmmakers: ‘But like Cookie.’
Oil’s slide below $30 sends shockwaves far and wide
–– Saudis need to change their sheets.
The Last Photo Of David Bowie Before His Death Revealed Along With The Type Of Cancer He Suffered From
–– And anything else vultures scavenged.
David Bowie's 'China Girl' says the music video she starred in and the brief romance she had with the late British rock star changed her life
–– Oh, here’s another scrap.
Watch: David Bowie’s Ex-Wife Learned of His Death While in ‘Big Brother’ House, Chaos Ensued
–– Family rethinks playing Angie at memorial service.
Nikki Haley replies to criticism of her State of the Union response
–– Haley’s comment.
I Got a Brazilian Wax for the First Time Ever — And Here's What I Learned
–– I could scream curses in Portuguese.
Thanks to satellite data, scientists have finally figured out why Greenland's ice sheet is melting
–– It’s hot.
It costs nearly nothing to open a Chick-fil-A — but there’s a catch
–– Must sell their product.
Cruz Did Not Report Loan From Goldman in Senate Race
–– Seen toting Goldman sacks.
Kevin Hart Plays Drinko With Jimmy Fallon, Debuts Nike Sneaker Design
–– Challenging Fallon to Drinko is like challenging Corden to Eato.
How Bill Cosby's Slipping Eyesight Factors Into His Criminal Defense
–– Sets eyeballs rolling.
NFL Approves Rams Move to L.A., Chargers Have Option to Join
–– If players drive electric cars.
Congressman Who Gave SOTU Ticket Says He Didn't Know It Was for Kim Davis
–– Assumed it was for Planned Parenthood shooter Robert Dear.
5 reasons to visit 'The Gates of Hell'
–– 3. To say hi to Martin Shkreli.
Can you improve your Powerball odds?
–– Have you made pact with Devil?
Rupert Murdoch to wed Jerry Hall
–– Hall: ‘Who needs Powerball?’
Rupert Murdoch Announces Engagement to Model Jerry Hall via Times Ad
–– She wanted it closer to obits.
Scottish bank warns: 'Sell everything'
–– Wee bit o’ a nae-sayer.
Ricky Gervais Hosts the Golden Globes With Beer and Vinegar
–– Sure yellow liquid was beer?
Donald Trump ejects man who called him boring
–– Dejects everyone else.
Mexico: Penn interview ‘essential'
–– To keep Trump off front page.
Rand Paul skipping next debate
–– Has appointment for perm.
U.S. blows up ISIS cash stash
–– Shelled out money.
Secret Service: Man claiming to be Jesus planned to kidnap one of the Obama dogs
–– Thought it was Portuguese Walk on Water Dog.
8 Burning Questions for Pamela Anderson
–– 7. When will anti-fungal salve start working?
Idris Elba Ordered to Skip the Golden Globes Even Though He's a Double Nominee -- Find Out Why
–– Doctors feared dual losses could sprain ego.
Obama’s Keystone saga takes new turn
–– Kops drive car off cliff.
Ask the Captain: What should I do if I see ice on the wing?
–– You mean if you've hijacked and are flying plane?
Cops: Florida mom abandons kid, heads to ‘sugar daddy’ pad, punches and pees on police
–– All before lunch.
Report: Obama Wants To Become UN Secretary General, Netanyahu Doing Everything He Can To Stop Him
–– Spreads rumor he was born in Kenya and…oh, the United Nations?
Katy Perry Unveiled Bumpit on Red Carpet, and Jennifer Lawrence Was as Confused as We Were
–– In latest slang for perineum.
Tesla cars can park on their own
–– And just sit undisturbed in showroom.
Ricky Gervais Asks Mel Gibson a Bleep-Worthy Question at the Golden Globes – Find Out What He Said!
–– ‘Would you please f**kin’ act offended?’
Pope Francis baptizes 26 babies in ceremony marking baptism of Jesus
–– Using fire hose.
Cruz rules out 'deportation force' to boot undocumented immigrants
–– But would keep Star Wars’ Storm Troopers in reserve.
Nevada casinos hit by massive losses
–– All bets are off.
Grown-ups: Coloring books good for you
–– If you live in place where you can only use crayons.
Cheerleaders team up to sue Bills
–– Bills fold.
New Yorkers Join the Crush for Tickets as Powerball Jackpot Nears $1 Billion
–– A sucker born every millisecond.
Marvel Issues An Apology For Drawing The Wrong Flag In Spider-Man’s First Trip To Cuba
–– And for having Spidey beat up Fidel.
Republican on House Benghazi committee 'hopeful' that Hillary Clinton will be indicted
–– Gives him something to live for.
Jennifer Lopez Slammed for Saying 'American Idol' Contestant 'Sings Like a Heavy Girl’
–– Which happens to describe last fan watching
Fast and the Furious Actor Vin Diesel Chokes Up Accepting Award
–– Mistakenly tried to eat trophy.
This is the end of John McCain: Why the Arizona senator could finally be facing retirement
–– New meds induce spell of lucidity.
‘Key & Peele' Star Keegan-Michael Key Files For Divorce From Wife Of 17 Years
–– Lost a Peele.
Madonna ‘Crying’ Over Rocco Estrangement, Guy Ritchie Custody Battle
–– Rocco in the free world.
Report: Casino Magnate Sheldon Adelson ‘Offered Obama $1B For Iron Dome For Israel’
–– Modeled on tinfoil dome he wears on head.
The widow of the 'American Sniper' had a spirited debate with Obama on gun control during his town-hall meeting
–– Or was she just sniping?
Powerball take-home depends highly on taxes where you live
–– So you might want to move in case your ticket is 1 in 292.2 million.
J.J. Watt spots 99-year-old fan wearing his jersey and makes her day
–– Body slams her to turf.
ABC Renews ‘Celebrity Family Feud’ With Steve Harvey, Orders ‘Pyramid’ With Michael Strahan
–– Harvey announces Michael Shannon as ‘Pyramid’ host.
Lady Gaga and Taylor Kinney Had Sex on a Canvas for V Magazine and Also ‘For Peace’
–– Regret smear job.
Patient dies after doctor's punch
–– Had way too much rum.
China: Giant gold Mao statue torn down
–– Chairman unseated.
Drug kingpin 'El Chapo' wanted to make biopic; it helps lead to his recapture
–– Entitled The Little Chapo Horrors.
Missing U.S. missile shows up in Cuba
–– As Fidel suppository.
Powerball jackpot, largest ever, now $800 million
–– Worth more than Chinese stock market.
THE WORM TURNS UP
Week of 01/08/16
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
'Mission accomplished': Mexican President says 'El Chapo' caught
–– Docudrama in works: The Big Shorty.
Dog 'pants' selling like hot cakes
––
Breath comes in short ones.
Missouri lawmaker: Sex with lobbyists is a 'gift'
–– He personally sent thank-you note.
Senator: Newly released Clinton email 'disturbing'
–– Doesn't categorically state she killed Vince Foster.
Paul LePage Makes Racist Claim About Drug Dealers Named D-Money Getting White Girls Pregnant
–– ‘Yeah, it’s one for D-Money, two for D-Show.’
Kerry Washington Was ‘Terrified’ to Tell Anita Hill’s Story in HBO Film: ‘That Responsibility Was Not Lost on Me’
–– ‘The skill to play her was.’
7-Foot, 440-Pound Lineman, John Krahn, Decides to Attend Community College
–– School suspends all meal plans.
Season canceled after rape charges
–– Easter: Church finally gets serious about abusive priests.
Petition to Pardon Making a Murderer Subject Gets 100,000 Signatures
–– Mostly from convict's cousins.
Steven Avery: 5 Things to Know About Man at Center of 'Making a Murderer'
–– 4. I mean, c'mon, really, he looks like he coulda done it.
White House Issues Response to 'Making a Murderer' Petition
–– Thought it referred to Hillary and new Michael Bay Benghazi movie.
Ronda Rousey Will Wear Body Paint Only in 2016 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue
–– Should stay on after Holly Holm shellacs her.
Pat Harrington Jr., the Super on 'One Day at a Time,' Dies at 86
–– Body left by incinerator.
Mama June Says Sugar Bear Cheated on Her With Men and Women
–– And cubs.
George Zimmerman rips Obama’s ‘crocodile tears’ on guns
–– 'Let him put on a hoodie and traipse around my neighborhood at night if you wanna see the real thing.'
Reporter Is Stabbed While Demonstrating ‘Stab-Proof’ Vest
–– With ‘kill-resistant’ knife.
’Girl who kissed Putin' warns about rise of Russian nationalism
–– In latest slang for Russian hooker.
Trump brings birtherism back
–– Because he’s big baby.
Madonna Concert Given Adults Only Rating in Singapore
–– Hearing-impaired adults only.
Adam Sandler’s ‘Ridiculous Six’ Is Making History for Netflix
–– Largest crowd to view biggest pile of shit since mastodon hunt in Pleistocene.
House sends Obamacare repeal bill to White House
–– President, ripped on Molly, signs it.
Ryan Zimmerman, Ryan Howard suing Al Jazeera after steroid story
–– Claim roids were violated.
I ate my horse after it was put down - social media fury as rider gorges on her 'best friend'
–– ‘I realized insults were accurate and she deserved it.’
HBO executive takes the blame for True Detective's second season failure
–– Network begins convoluted, doomed, artsy investigation into conspiracy.
Police: Suspect targeted groomsmen after failed marriage
–– Was that horny.
Kelly Rohrbach Lands Pamela Anderson's Role in Baywatch Movie
–– Impact softened by fake boobs.
Tom Brady's personal chef says sugar is the 'death of people'
–– Overinflated claim?
Whoopi Goldberg: “I’m An American, I’m Not An African-American!”
–– “And Unfunny, not a Black Comedian.”
Ex-U.S. Atty: Clinton Two Months Away from Criminal Indictment
–– If not burned at stake before that.
Ammon Bundy: FBI plans raid
–– Or to spray occupiers with Raid.
Reports of New Year's Eve sex assaults in Cologne fuel German migrant debate
–– Cologne stinks.
Black hole near Earth 'burps' gas
–– To Close Encounters theme.
Sylvester Stallone Says He's Done With 'Rambo,' Isn't Keen On Developing TV Series
–– Audience mutters ‘thanks’ through broken teeth.
Malaysia Airlines temporarily bans luggage on Europe-bound flights
–– Several old bags stranded in airport lounge.
$1M accident costs sub captain his job
–– Applies for position at Subway.
Saudi Arabia faces 'economic bomb' and hikes gas prices 50%
–– Giant Molotov Cocktail in oil barrel.
Alleged drug lord 'La Barbie' to plead guilty to U.S. charges
–– Alleged accomplice El Ken to avoid prosecution.
Report: Johnny Manziel Used Wig and Fake Mustache While Partying in Las Vegas
–– Wouldn't he want disguise on the field?
‘American Idol's' Brian Dunkleman has let it go
–– Frozen turkey he was shoplifting.
World’s largest blue star sapphire -- worth $100M -- discovered
–– Dubbed the Blue Panther.
U.S. troop killed in Afghanistan
–– How many in troop?
Even Insured Face Crushing Medical Debt, Study Finds
–– One hopes face crushing is covered.
Chargers, Raiders, Rams File for Relocation to L.A.
–– In twitness protection program.
Donald Trump Says Use of Morocco Border Footage in TV Ad Is "Irrelevant"
–– Like ad itself.
Pizza war! Pizza Hut and Papa John's slash prices
–– And shred stomachs.
Campaign says Bush was 'mistaken' about NRA award
–– Went off half-cocked.
Reese Witherspoon Rocks a Retro One-Piece Swimsuit on Vacation With Tennessee
–– State wore baggy camo trunks, Stars and Bars sleeveless tee and Jack Daniels visor.
Kristen Stewart Basically Floats Down the Red Carpet During Her Latest Stunning Appearance
–– She was that high.
Workhorse: What Matt Forte left in his Bears locker sums up his stellar career
–– Do Bears shit in the club house?
Is Sandy Alderson done making offseason acquisitions?
–– As Mets prepare for another appearance in World Series in another 14 years.
Nigerian ex-minister warns Buhari “all hell will break loose” if Dasuki, Kanu or Zakzaky are hurt in prison
–– But they can “beat the heck out of” Dashiki, Keanu or Coxsackie.
Hillary Clinton (jokingly) pledges UFO probe
–– Into origin of ET atop Trump’s head.
Michael Bay Confirms He’ll Direct ‘Transformers 5’ But ‘This Is the Last One’
–– Cross your heart and hope to die.
Beyonce Is Apparently Writing A Movie About Butts
–– An autobootyography?
Skeleton under school a pirate?
–– Ay, classmatie.
Lyft And General Motors Are Partnering To Bring You On-Demand Driverless Cars
–– In service called Crasht.
The mysterious case of the dead North Korean doctors and their wives
–– From the files of Cha Lok Hams.
‘New Jihadi John' appears in ISIL execution video
–– Will fans embrace mid-season replacement?
Ricky Gervais apologizes in advance for what he'll say at the Golden Globes
–– Knows jokes will suck.
Trump’s 1st TV ad targets ISIS
–– Running on Raqqa TV as recruitment spot.
This Is How the Downton Abbey Dog Got the Name ‘Isis’
–– Beheaded cat.
The hottest place to party?
–– Hell.
Conservative Judaism hires marketers to give it a makeover
–– Rebranding format as Smooth Jewz.
When Should The Christmas Lights Come Down?
–– When robins nest in them.
Prince William Worries About Not Being Around to See George and Charlotte Grow Up
–– Because he can’t bear Kate’s breathy, little-girl voice another second!
Bruce Campbell on the Tragedy of ‘Ash vs Evil Dead’: ‘We’re Not Star Wars’
–– Otherwise he'd be Hand Solo.
Johnny Deep Thanks Wife Amber Heard For Putting Up With Me
–– Who are you? How deep?
Cops: Teen shot may have been "ding dong ditching”
–– Latest slang for castration.
Nigerian charged in sophisticated email scam is in custody in Dallas
–– He is your long-lost relative and you will inherit 12,500,00USD if you post bail for him.
Waka Flocka Believes Bill Cosby Is Being Framed
–– Calls accusers Waka Fockas.
Redskins legend on black QBs: They're used to running from the law
–– He should know: brain’s scrambled.
Obama Urges Citizens To Stand Up Against the National Rifle Association
–– Up, but behind cover.
Trump to Breastfeeding Mom: 'You're Disgusting'
–– Milked situation for laughs.
Blizzard kills thousands of cows
–– But the ice cream’s delicious.
Revealed: The Queen, 89, carried out 341 engagements in 2015 - shaming Harry, William and Kate who only managed 292 between them (but they're all beaten by Princess Anne)
–– (For not carrying out more.)
Chris Brown Suspected of Battery and Theft in Las Vegas
–– Threatens to slap Lady Justice if charged.
George R.R. Martin: New Novel Won't Release Before 'Game of Thrones' Season 6 Premiere
–– Shit or get off Thrones.
Argument over Washing Machine Allegedly Led to Quadruple Homicide: Police
–– Cycle of violence.
Muslims fired after prayer dispute
–– Seems like they’re always firing.
Barack Obama's Vacation Reading List: Murder, Aliens and Jonathan Franzen
–– Or NRA Newsletter, Congressional Record and Purity.
Saudi Arabia executes dissident Shiite cleric Nimr al-Nimr, 46 others
–– King Salman: 'We're beheading in right direction.'
Dale Bumpers, former U.S. senator and Arkansas governor, dead at 90
–– Coffin to be transported in Bumpers’ car.
Justice Department investigates Blue Bell Creameries over listeria response
–– Response of diarrhea and vomiting.
Miss Colombia on Miss Universe flap: 'It was very humiliating'
–– But it did cover hoohah.
'We have a lot of grossness in there'
–– Admits Senate Sergeant at Arms.
DROID RAGE
Week of 01/01/16
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
George Lucas says he sold Star Wars to white slavers
–– Apologizes, meant to say “Jabba the Hutts.”
If You’re Looking for Resolution Ideas, Here Are 16 Good Ones (That You Can Keep for Life)
–– 16. Never read listicles.
5 Things to Expect from ‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6
–– 3. Frippery.
Congregants catch pastor 'stealing' from collection basket
–– Claimed: 'It was for poor –– have you seen my salary?'
Suspect in New Year’s Eve Terror Plot Is Panhandler, Bar Owner Says
–– Feds' bum lead.
Here’s Where Donald Trump Could Take The GOP In 2016
–– See Hell on this map? A little further South.
Wayne Rogers, Trapper John on 'M.A.S.H.,' dies at 82
–– Funeral M.A.S.H. scheduled.
Five Things the Guns N Roses Reunion Needs (If It Happens)
–– 4. Axl alignment.
U.S. Army wants you to eat MREs for 21 days straight
–– Then dig massive latrine.
A new, fiery Ben Carson?
–– Accidentally lights beard.
Man Falls to His Death Trying to Climb Four Seasons Hotel
–– Should’ve waited to Spring.
Google Chrome Filter Blocks Donald Trump From Your Internet
–– Nicknamed Hair Net.
Airport police told to run and hide
–– Use passengers as human shields.
Woman Let Off Drink-Driving Ban After Proving That Her Body Turns Food To Alcohol
–– Man with marijuana plant in shorts seeks out same judge.
North Carolina Hospital Celebrates 'One of the World's Smallest Babies Ever Born'
–– With flea circus and brightly-colored dixie cup bassinet.
Bill Cosby charged with sexually assaulting woman 12 years ago, days before statute to expire
–– Comedian's 'Fat Albert' dragged into court.
Donald Trump spokeswoman wore a bullet necklace on TV
–– She looked loaded.
I got a vajacial! And it was pretty awesome
–– While Fuzzologist trimmed beard.
SHOCK VIDEO: Satanists Attack Virgin Mary At Catholic Cathedral On Christmas Eve
–– Luckily she carried mace.
‘Affluenza’ teen grew up in wealthy but unstable home
–– Termites in walls.
Indonesian couple caned for violating Sharia law, police official says
–– Religious whack jobs.
Microbead ban signed by President Obama
–– Hippie little people outraged.
4 Secret Service agents hurt
–- Falling off bar stools.
Hillary Clinton's campaign likely to surpass $100 million fundraising goal
–– Will allow her to better criticize 1%ers.
Chicago police to get Tasers
–– Immobilized black suspects easier to shoot.
Aide to Kim Jong-un Dies in Car Accident, North Korean Media Says
–– Kim: ‘Them’s the brakes.’
Filipino priest rapped for Christmas Eve hoverboard stunt
–– ‘I’m da Filipino floatin’ padre, I’m levitatin’ like my Lord,
Now I’m prayin’ for a miracle, to keep my butt upon this board.’
Python found hiding in SUV
–– Michael Palin to authorities: ‘Bugger off!’
Carrie Fisher Responds to Body Shamers: ‘Blow Us’
–– ‘Me and my imaginary friend.’
Zhou Enlai of China May Have Been Gay, Book Asserts
–– Known to detractors as Chairman Mo.
‘Affluenza’ Fugitives Held a Party Before Fleeing, Officials Say
–– Blamed it on disco fever.
Can Chipotle recover?
–– Their motto: You can’t keep a good meal down.
Pataki drops presidential bid
–– Like ice-cold potato.
Al Jazeera: We never accused Peyton Manning of doping
–– And we never denied denying that we accused PEYTON MANNING of DOPING.
NFLer fined for watching daughter perform at halftime
–– Fellatio.
The U.S. Navy Wants To Fly Big Drones From Small Ships
–– Big ideas from small brains.
Look Inside ISIS's Secret Tunnels Stocked With American Ammo
–– And gerbils and lube.
‘Glee’ Actor Mark Salling Arrested for Possession of Child Porn
–– Tabloids respond with glee.
Turkey detains teen 'for insulting Erdogan on Facebook’
–– By posting pic of his face.
Venomous Sea Snake Washes Up on California Beach, Surprising Scientists
–– Who were building sandcastle.
In final year, Obama encourages staff to 'stay on offense'
–– No worries, they’re still plenty offensive.
Huckabee: 'My money on' Trump amid Clinton sexism feud
–– ‘His money’ also on own second failed campaign.
A Wall Streeter reportedly spent $300,000 at a New York strip club in one week
–– And another $400,000 for lap replacement surgery.
Texas businesses prep for new open carry gun law
–– Clerks warned to be ‘extra-nice.’
Angry Whole Foods pays $500K to settle probe into overcharging
–– Assures NYC kale is 100% organic.
Giant squid surfaces in Japan
–– Godzilla arm wrestles, wins.
Motorhead Frontman Lemmy Dies at 70
–– Lemmy outta here.
Hoverboard related falls spike for the holidays
–– Bringing cheer to orthopedists nationwide.
Russell Crowe slams Virgin Australia over hoverboard ban
–– 'How dare they stop me -- I'm an expert on burning out.'
China: Former official jumps to his death after deadly landslide
–– From ass heap of history.
Japan’s schoolgirl culture hides dark side
–– No, they’re clean-shaven.
Miss Universe Pia Alonzo Wurtzbach calls Miss Colombia 'amazing woman’
–– For not knifing Steve Harvey.
IS leader says 'caliphate' well, mocks Saudi-led alliance
–– Pronunciation immaculate.
Donald Trump Thinks Hillary Clinton Is Playing 'The Woman Card’
–– ‘Which might actually trump my Asshole Card.’
Admit it: 'Star Wars: The Force Awakens' stinks -- and here's why
–– Smells like the first 6.
Ashley Madison says it added 4 million members since the hack
–– Gays who learned membership is 90% male.
Poll: Trump ties with Pope on 'admired' list
–– Satan half point behind.
Pregnant CNN Anchor Poppy Harlow Says Her Baby Is 'Just Fine' After She Passed Out on Air
–– Though ‘extremely embarrassed.’
Bergdahl: Taliban asked me if Obama is gay
–– And if New York Post would actually make that headline in article on my five years of captivity.
Pearl Harbor inspired George Takei’s new musical
–– The bit about bombing.
Obama, Seinfeld share Corvette, talk
–– Did staff Vette comic?
NASA’s next Mars mission suspended
–– Decides to let Matt Damon rot up there.
Can seniors gamble away dementia?
–– At booze-soaked frat parties?
Mac and cheese on McD's menu
–– Once it’s been regurgitated.
Putin Develops Submarine Drone to Attack U.S. Homeland
–– And deliver Beluga caviar to Amazon Russia customers.
Jim Webb: Why Is No One Going After Hillary For ‘Inept Leadership’ On Libya?
–– You had your chance.
Man Falls to His Death From Cliff While Checking His Gadget
–– App measures exact distance to impact.
Pornographic email scandal roils Pennsylvania politics
–– Philly cheesecake.
Trump doubles down on Hillary, bashes her for Bill's affairs
–– Trump: original double downer.
China unveils two-child policy
–– Apple needs more workers.
Wi-Fi and A.T.M.s? China’s Restrooms Have It All
–– Perfect place to make deposits.
Claims of ‘Hateful Eight’ Misogyny ‘Fishing for Stupidity,’ Harvey Weinstein Says
–– ‘And hooking me.’
Critic's Notebook: Even When They're 'Hateful,' Tarantino Loves His Female Characters
–– As long as they're bleeding.
Owl jumps in patrol car with officer
–– Not a wise move.
Who's paying for your Amtrak ticket
–– The guy who’s plastic you jacked.
’Stoner Sloth' ad campaign lights up the Internet
–– Verrry slowly.
ISIS leader purportedly tells fighters: 'You are on the right path'
–– ‘Feel the heat, see the flames? Keep going…’
First Christmas full moon in nearly 40 years seen worldwide
–– Even where they have other moon.
Leonardo DiCaprio Describes Exactly What It Was Like Eating Raw Bison Liver in 'The Revenant'
–– Kinda like sitting through the movie.