BORIS BADENOV
Week of 06/24/16
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Boris Johnson favorite to be next PM
–– Because Brexit needs punch line.
Obama tries to put best face on Brexit vote
–– The 'smiley' one he used for BP oil spill.
Dozens Burned During Tony Robbins Motivational Exercise
–– Thousands more when they got his bill.
Harry Potter author JK Rowling unleashes fury at Brexit voters on Twitter
–– Tweets Repello Brexitus!
Lewandowski: 'No more than 4' names on Trump's VP list
–– 'Can't count any higher.'
Corey Lewandowski out as Trump campaign manager
–– 'He told me it was so I could be number after 4 on VP list.'
How Corey Lewandowski overplayed his hand
–– Filled with useless Trump cards.
I Was a Stay-at-Home Mom — And Nobody Knew I Was Addicted to Painkillers
–– And no one could blame me.
The remarkable parallels between the Brexit vote and the rise of Donald Trump
–– The scum also rises.
Sia’s Face Accidentally Revealed During Windy Concert
–– Sia you later.
Here’s What Happened When I Tried Kim Kardashian’s Post- Baby Diet
–– ‘I losted wait.’
My Parents Accidentally Enrolled Me in a Gay Conversion Program
–– After unintentional electro-shock therapy.
Trump to Hannity: 'Frankly, Hillary Is Very Strange'
–– ‘And sorta turns me on.’
Donald Trump in Scotland: 'Brexit a great thing'
–– 'A triumph of fuckwittedness.'
Donald Trump Praises Scotland for Taking 'Country Back' -- Even Though It Voted to Remain
–– 'I meant in advance, when they vote again to leave UK.'
Trump celebrates Brexit vote: ‘When the pound goes down, more people are coming to Turnberry.’
––
Scores asshole-in-one.
EU Brexit referendum: UK 'must not delay leaving'
–– Nor ‘let door hit them on way out,’
Judge Halts Auction of Whitney Houston's Emmy
–– Pathos ruled 'cruel and unusual.'
David Cameron falls on his sword
–– One he inexplicably placed blade-up on ground and tried to do handstand on.
Trump blames Obama for Brexit
–– Also El Niño, Zika, acne.
Obama's approval rating up to 52%
–– Trump: ‘See, that’s percentage that voted for Brexit!’
Led Zeppelin cleared of plagiarism in Stairway case
–– Jimmy Page still charged with pick pocketing.
Did the teleprompter make Donald Trump sniff?
–– Or was it his own foul breath?
The Surprising Origin of Dippin' Dots
–– Began as Jack Frost's nuts.
Customer called "fatty" on receipt, restaurant owner reacts
–– 'Chubby, maybe.'
Massive python found in bedroom
— By lucky wife.
Teen finds massive python in yard
–– Kicked out of bed by mom.
Ben Affleck Goes on Profanity-Laced Deflategate Rant on Bill Simmons' HBO Show
–– The Brady bull.
Katherine Heigl Is Pregnant
–– With non-talent.
Brexit Referendum: Why ‘Lord of the Rings’ Actor John Rhys-Davies Can’t Vote
–– Gimli too short to reach lever.
Darrell Hammond Says He Was "Played" by KFC Over Colonel Sanders Replacement
–– Should’ve winged it.
New Twist in Case of NY Woman Accused of Fiance's Kayak Murder
–– Will cops send her up river? Without paddle?
Happy Police Dog Leaps Into Handler’s Arms After Two Weeks Apart
–– Cheerfully gnaws face.
What Hitler's Jewish neighbor saw
–– Many lit bags of dog poop on stoop.
China: Bank employees publicly spanked for poor performance
–– Pervier ones purposely slacked off.
Battle for Fallujah: Isis fighters disguising themselves as 'beautiful' women to escape conflict
–– Can only hope they’re captured, treated the way they treat beautiful women.
Selma Blair Apologizes for Airplane Meltdown: 'I Am A Flawed Human Being Who Makes Mistakes'
–– Blair bitch project.
Christie on school funding pitch: 'I'm coming to a theater near you this summer'
–– As Slimer in Ghostbusters reboot.
Trump Just Gave The Speech Republicans Have Been Waiting 20 Years To Hear
–– The one repeated everyday on conservative talk radio for 20 years.
'You might as well try to convince people that Hillary Clinton's a vampire'
–– 'Or just sucks.'
Reagan White House Files Show Ronald and Nancy Repeatedly Snubbed Donald Trump and His 'Large Ego'
–– Which were sent separate disinvitations.
Larry King to Trump: 'You're a great friend,' but I can't vote for you
–– Among suspenders of support.
‘Orlando Will Be Repeated,' and 'No Place Is Safe,' Former ISIS Captive Warns Congress
–– Except everyplace other 318.9 million non-victims live.
Jeff Robinov Movie Under Investigation After 5 Dead Bison Used During Filming
–– American Humane Association felt ‘buffaloed.’
‘Finding Dory’ Could Lead to Dangerous Demand for Blue Tangs as Pets
–– Ichthyologists: ‘Tangs alot!’
‘Like Crazy' Director Pens Tribute to Anton Yelchin: "He Was an Artist in the Truest Sense"
–– Yeah, but director’s ‘like crazy.’
This is America's favorite fast food restaurant
–– Hint: Greasy chicken sandwiches, ads with cows, run by homophobes.
HBO Cancels ‘Vinyl,’ Scrapping Plans for a Season 2 Revamp
–– Record broken.
John Lewis leads sit-in on House floor over guns
–– Lawmakers take nap after milk and cookies.
Paul Ryan Chides Democrats, Calling House Sit-In a Stunt
–– Claims John Lewis used stand-in.
Trump: Clinton is a 'world-class liar'
–– ‘Whatever that word means.’
Australian commission: Military cadets raped as initiation
–– Denounce maneuvers down under.
Daryl Hannah Sells to Boyfriend Neil Young
–– Gets good price for weed.
Trump directs nearly one-fifth of his money to his own businesses
–– Another fifth to hairdressers.
Jaguar shot during Olympic event
–– Driver unharmed.
Mark Sanchez, Jake Peavy, Roy Oswalt Allegedly Victims of Ponzi Scheme
–– Combined IQ lower than Peavy's career ERA.
WWE suspends Roman Reigns
–– From Caesar's Palace.
Gladys Knight's son accused of tax evasion as restaurants raided
–– Police: 'This one's a pip, alright.'
The death-defying Dance of the Flyers
–– Philly team mixes ice-dancing, high-sticking.
Trump: 'I feel like a supermodel, except like times 10'Trump: 'I feel like a supermodel, except like times 10'
–– ‘Y’know, really dumb and totally starved for attention.’
Australian Olympic team demands security after Rio paralympian mugged
–– Brazil responds: ‘Soon, whole world will now how that feels.’
Doctors issue warning about LED streetlights
–– To muggers.
Matt Damon, Rooney Mara Lead All-Star Plea to Stop Brutal Dog Slaughter in China
–– Including critical drubbing of bombs they were in.
Man arrested for allegedly scamming Medicaid for $5 million
–– AMA: 'That's all?'
Drug-Related Killings Surge In The Philippines After Duterte's Election
–– Dealing justice.
Elephant Shot in the Head Walks Up to Truck to Ask For Help
–– Good news: he gained power of speech.
A driving record so bad that a judge ruled only 1 thing would help
–– An Uber license.
Blind Catfish Discovery in Texas Suggests Underground Link With Mexico
–– Blind and transporting kilos of coke.
DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz Is Finally Kicked to the Curb
–– Nearer political gutter she rose from.
NYPD Brass and de Blasio Donor Charged in Growing Gifts-for-Favors Scheme
–– Accused of using synonyms 'knowingly and
interchangeably' in sentences.
Here’s what happens when schools let transgender students use the bathroom they want
–– Still same old shit.
Venezuelans Ransack Stores as Hunger Grips the Nation
–– Hungry living on Caracas.
Egypt’s Suez Canal charging VLCCs coming from the Arabian Gulf $155,000
–– Very Large Crude Carriers aka Saudi sheikhs’ yachts.
What Your Sign Says About How Likely You Are to Cheat
–– The one that reads, ‘I’m Easy.’
Elizabeth Warren Takes No Prisoners In Onslaught Against 'Small, Insecure Money-Grubber' Trump
–– Trump fires back: 'Pocahontas, Pocahontas, total, big-time Pocahontas!'
Congressman’s campaign expenses under review, including children's school lunches
–– Mysterious ‘PBJ Fund’ as yet unexplained.
Why did everybody stop caring about Inside Amy Schumer all at once?
–– Why had anyone started caring?
Turkey police use tear gas and rubber bullets to disperse LGBT gay pride rally in Istanbul
–– One look at their hideous uniforms should've done it.
Why the White Walkers Are Essentially Meaningless on 'Game of Thrones'
–– Winter is conning.
Bear Attacks Woman Running Marathon in New Mexico
–– She posts her best time ever.
FBI offers $50k reward to find this guy
–– This guy finds self to claim cash.
DiCaprio must testify in 'Wolf' case
–– He hits on lots of chicks, but is that a crime?
Frank Sinatra's Father's Day message
–– ‘Shut up ya’ rug rat, I’m singing here.’
Inflatable of Donald Trump in KKK robe pops up at rally
–– Full of slightly less hot air than original.
Born With Most of His Brain Outside His Skull, This Baby Is Beating All Odds
–– Thinks outside box.
Ex-Amish Family Traded Daughter for Cash
–– Neighbors: 'They seemed buggy.'
House erupts in chaos after LGBT vote
–– An out break.
Wrestler Jerry `The King` Lawler and Fiancee Arrested on Domestic Violence Charges
–– The King of Hurts.
Super PAC calls on Donald Trump to release his tiny hand measurements
–– In digital attack.
Islamists attack Radiohead fans at Turkish release party
–– Took Creep personally.
Trump campaign: We're facing an emergency goal of $100,000
–– Will guarantee with casino chips.
Mark Cuban on Running for Office: "Anything's Possible"
–– Thanks to certain unstable, unfit, unelectable billionaire.
Dads compete to stack Cheerios on babies' head
–– How many share same head?
Mom fights off mountain lion attack
–– In her Pumas.
Singer of P.M. Dawn dies
–– Sunuvabitch!
Britain Asks if Tone of ‘Brexit’ Campaign Made Violence Inevitable
–– First inspired murder, then suicide.
Jo Cox attack: Murder suspect gives name as 'death to traitors' in court
–– ‘But you can call me pathetic psycho loser.’
Game 7 ticket prices go insane
–– Give name as ‘death to dunkers.’
ASSHOLEY TERRORS
Week of 06/17/16
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Undercover police expose UK ‘death to gays’ ISIS meetings
–– The martyrfuckers.
Putin: I never called Trump 'brilliant'
–– 'Just have shiny orange face.'
Utah Lt. Gov. Cox says Orlando attack prompted apology to gays
–– Mormons, Republicans remove him from Christmas card lists.
Alabama county refuses to lower flag to honor Orlando shooting victims
–– Instead lower dignity.
Gary Johnson: Marijuana doesn't make you stupid
–– Vote for me anyway, stoners.
Elizabeth Warren visits Hillary Clinton's Brooklyn headquarters: 'Don't screw this up'
–– 'Michael Dukakis in a helmet in a tank strangling a cat could beat Trump.'
FBI offers $50K to solve cold case
–– Rest, Vitamin C, plenty of fluids –– do I win?
Billy Eichner Accuses Ross Mathews of Ripping Off 'Billy on the Street'
––
Steve Allen turns channel in grave.
A frustrated Stephen Curry gets ejected for throwing his mouthpiece at fan
–– Lawyer landed in lap.
Steven Spielberg makes a clear statement: Indiana Jones will survive next movie
–– But will we?
Florida lawmaker drops Senate bid to make way for Rubio
–– Marco respect?
O.J. Simpson's Longtime Friend Thinks He Will Admit to Double Murder and Tell Public 'I'm Sorry, Everybody, But I Did It'
–– Can't wait to reply, 'It's OK, big guy, no skin off our nose.'
Father Caught on Camera Pummeling Man in NYC Market
–– He did order pound of flesh.
Guccifer 2.0 Leak Reveals How DNC Rigged Primaries for Clinton
–– And made up 3.7 million extra voters for her.
Dead tigers, stashed wealth cast spotlight on Thai monks
–– Have bahts 'up the cat's wazoo.'
RNC delegates launch 'Anybody but Trump' drive
–– Inert gas currently leading alternate picks.
Philadelphia passes a soda tax
–– For Phizzy Phanatic.
Pol: Terror won't stop my AR-15 giveaway
–– Gives finger on Pulse.
McCain: Obama 'directly responsible' for Orlando massacre
–– Claims he scrambled shooter's brains while in womb.
Meet the hacker fighting ISIS with porn
–– Jihad Ons, IILFS (Imams I'd like to Fuck), Fatwad, Debbie Does Daesh.
The Garrison Keillor You Never Knew
–– Is he as dull as one we do?
Jason Sudeikis Disqualified From Emmy Consideration for Fox’s ‘Last Man On Earth’
–– D’uh, did you watch him?
Bolivia rejects 'offensive' chicken donation from Bill Gates
–– In latest slang for dick pic.
Texas: Giant unstable sinkholes are growing, could be on verge of catastrophic collapse
–– Gov. Perry, Lieut. Gov. Patrick.
Texan finds creative way to clear highway fast lane
–– Giant sinkholes.
Brian Wilson: ‘The voices started after LSD’
–– ‘Pet sounds included Shih Tzu threatening my life.’
House Oversight Committee censures, condemns IRS commish Koskinen
–– Taxing our patience.
Baptist Pastor Praises Attack on Gay Club: '50 Pedophiles Were Killed Today'
–– Jesus Hate Christ!
This Woman's Life Is Better Than Ever Now That She's Stopped Shaving Her Beard
–– Literally, not a euphemism, on her face.
Women’s swim team not surprised by Brock Turner arrest
–– Remember his back strokes.
Lawrence Phillips hanged himself, had 'Do Not Resuscitate' note
–– Warden added ‘Thank You’ note.
Thai man almost loses home to monster monitor lizard
–– You don't want to face one squatting.
This Is How Taylor Swift Dumped Calvin Harris According to 1 "Well Placed Source"
–– In latest slang for anal polyp.
‘Can we talk about those staged photos?' Taylor Swift's secret tryst with Tom Hiddleston labelled 'completely fake' and awkward' as the internet erupts with memes
–– From meme girls.
NFL No. 2 pick rescued from restroom
–– Stool sample delivered to lab.
Nearly 15 hours later, Democratic senator ends filibuster over guns
–– Voice shot.
Helen Mirren in new 'Fast and Furious' film
–– To be subtitled Hot Dame!
Donald Trump tests the limits of his showman style
–– Tries selling ice cubes to Eskimos.
Jimmy Page draws laughs in 'Stairway to Heaven' trial
–– Humor goes over like lead zeppelin.
Richard Simmons denies he's transitioning
–– Already transfat.
New documents shine light on CIA torture methods
–– An intense strobe aimed directly in your eyes.
Poll: 7 in 10 dislike Trump
–– Mental health professionals screening other 3.
Oscar Pistorius Removes Prosthetic Legs on Third Day of Sentencing Hearing
–– Stumping for mercy.
Seth Meyers Bans Donald Trump From ‘Late Night’
–– Oh, that's gonna leave a mark.
Marc Andreessen on why he's supporting Clinton over Trump: 'Is that a serious question?'
–– It was from Bloomberg TV, so no.
11-foot, dead alligator found clogging storm drain in Florida
–– Lizard Plumr didn’t help.
Pete Rose: 'They're trying to make me the Hit Queen' in Japan
–– In latest slang for bukkake prostitute.
Newt Gingrich and Rudy Giuliani Have Bold Plans to Make Trumpism Even Worse
–– Form Axis of A-hole.
Newt slams Obama's 'attitude'
–– Labels him ‘uppity’, possibly ‘shiftless.’
The Pope actually said something really deep about body image and trying to be “perfect”
–– While sunning self on beach in Speedo.
It Only Took 7 Minutes for This Reporter to Buy an AR-15
–– She will be getting byline on that cat-up-a-tree story.
Orlando Shooter Seems to Have Been Conflicted About Sex and Religion
–– Offical *Understatement of Week*.
This lustrous little mole just made an extremely rare appearance
–– On Cindy Crawford’s other cheek.
Very hot drinks are 'probably carcinogenic'
–– Try Starbucks' new Vente Chemoccino.
Richard Dreyfuss Slams ABC for Refusing to Name Big Banks in 'Madoff' Miniseries
–– Leave savings alone crisis.
5 ways GOP lawmakers answer Trump questions -- or don't
–– 4. Break down in tears.
Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick deletes "reap what you sow" tweet after mass shooting at LGBT club
–– Reap it and weep.
Donald Trump Responds to Orlando Attack by Exploiting Fear, Not Easing It
–– Proves self as human frights activist.
Rep. Jim Himes: Why I walked out of the House’s moment of silence for Orlando
–– “It was awful –– I could hear myself think.”
X-rated medieval doodles reveal our ancestors had a sense of humor
–– And genitalia.
Whole Foods gets warning letter from FDA
–– Criticism only natural.
Whole Foods Could Be ‘Contaminated With Filth’, FDA Says
–– A little harsh, but boho vegans are annoying.
Steve Martin's 'Bright Star' to Close on Broadway
–– Lights dim.
Eddie Murphy’s ‘Beverly Hills Cop 4’ Finds Directors
–– 'Hire' at gunpoint.
Paul Ryan breaks with Trump on his immigration plan
–– Now agrees with just three policies of candidate he endorsed.
Paul Ryan stands by his opposition to Trump's proposed Muslim ban
–– Make that two.
Dog swallows Gorilla Glue; vet extracts perfect mold of stomach
–– In latest slang for ape semen.
NASA’s Kepler discovers 'Tatooine' planet orbiting two suns
–– On third viewing of Star Wars.
Kellogg recalls snacks in peanut scare
–– The little feller was really afraid.
Donald Trump: I’m a Better Friend to L.G.B.T. Americans
–– Than Omar Mateen.
Orlando club shooter's father: I don't believe my son was gay
–– Now that could really upset a parent.
Russian hackers stole Dems' Trump files, firm says
–– In folder marked bloopers.
Obama goes on tirade against Trump over Muslim ban, 'radical Islam'
–– Orlando boom.
Trump: Obama 'was more angry at me than he was at the shooter'
–– We only hurt the ones we loath.
North Korea shuts down Pyongyang model village
–– NPRK: ‘Models can starve anywhere in country, don’t need own village.’
‘Heartbroken’ Bolt ready to return gold medal
–– Are you sayin', Bolt…?
For the Kermit Sutra? New mating position reported for frogs
–– When they jump your bones.
Most Americans don't view Hillary Clinton's presidential nomination as "historic"
–– Most Americans idea of “historic”: first season of American Idol.
Qatar Convicts Alleged Rape Victim for Adultery and Alcohol Consumption
–– And possession of lady parts.
Small Mindedness, Not Small Hands, Disqualifies Trump
–– You know what they say about small brains.
Report: Lil Wayne's Private Plane Makes Emergency Landing After Rapper Suffers Seizures
–– Rapper covers Prince.
Donald Trump: American-born Orlando shooter “born an Afghan”
–– Afghan, New York.
It took three weeks for authorities to capture this adorable giant rodent — and another is still at large
–– But that one now has Secret Service protection.
Catch him if you can: Meet Ken, San Diego's most infamous ape on the loose
–– When Darrell Issa's not in town.
Meg Ryan plastic surgery rumors spiral out of control after her Tony Awards appearance
–– Some claim she’s Impossible Missions Force spy in disguise.
London bans 'unrealistic body images' from transport system
–– Plus-size models celebrate with cronuts.
Donald Trump definitely turned 70 years old on Tuesday
–– Birth certificate from Hell certified.
Panthers QB Cam Newton Is Moving On from the 'Dab' Celebrations
–– Because a little ‘Dab’ will do you.
How long should kids sleep?
–– During math class.
’ALF’ actor Meszaros dies at 76
–– After short illness.
Trump revokes Post press credentials, calling the paper 'dishonest' and 'phony'
–– And this is Washington not New York Post.
Apple gets patent for wrap-around iPhone screen
–– Even more screen to crack!
Vladimir Putin Backs $4 Billion Theme Park The Magical World of Russia
–– It's a Stalinist world after all.
Vladimir Putin Approves $4B "Russian Disneyland"
––
With Pirates of the Caspian ride.
France strikes: Stench of garbage looms over Euro 2016
–– That might be Brazil team.
MLBer carted off after being hit in groin
–– Had one strike, no balls.
Jennifer Lopez Had to ‘Fight’ to Keep Her Curves Early on in Her Career
–– Deserves Congressional Medal of Hoohah.
Herring spawn in NY tributary for 1st time in 85 years
–– Gramps finally got it up.
Fright at the Museum: Giant Man Seen Dragging Employee, Putting Her in Chokehold in Horrifying Video
–– Museum of Natural Hysteria.
Donald Trump Is Same Guy Off Camera As He Is On, Reveals Fox News Host Jesse Watters
–– “Just a bit more dickish.”
Why the elite punditry can’t see Trump’s path to victory
–– And have misguided faith in electorate’s intelligence.
A young man is skinned alive. A sign of new Taliban brutality?
–– Or botched defoliation technique?
New Jersey mayor changes party over Trump comments
–– And shorts.
Alabama House Speaker Mike Hubbard convicted
–– The pig squealed.
BERNING BRIDGES
Week of 06/10/16
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Newt Gingrich thinks he knows why Bernie Sanders isn't dropping out
–– 'He's still tuning in, turning on.'
Paul Ryan stresses party unity in GOP meeting
–– Hatred is powerful bond.
Boy caught stealing hugs from dog
–– In latest slang for canine masturbation.
This Senator Wants to Ban Meatless Mondays for the Military
–– In latest slang for strap-on sex.
McConnell: 'Obvious' Trump doesn't know issues
–– Except of Playboy, Maxim and Cigar Aficionado.
Romney says Trump will change America with 'trickle-down racism'
–– What Mexican felt running down back.
Mel Gibson Planning 'Passion of the Christ' Sequel
–– And prequel There's Something About Mary.
Gawker Media Files for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy
–– Hulk smash.
Trump says Republicans upset over judge attacks 'have to get over it'
–– 'Or me.'
Anti-Trump Republicans seek last-ditch 'delegate revolt'
–– All GOPers should be revolted.
North Korean leader caught smoking during anti-smoking drive
–– Rolled hisself some Pyongyang Gold.
States can restrict concealed weapons, appeals court says
–– Insist owners shove up ass.
Texas Democrat to Trump: 'Take your border wall and shove it up your ass'
— Will fit if he removes Chris Christie.
Britain’s Royal Navy warships are breaking down because sea is too hot
–– Mermaids need to wear bras.
Elizabeth Warren: Trump a 'thin-skinned, racist bully'
–– Reading Tinder profile.
Lowes hires man and his service dog when no one else would
–– Selling blinds.
Why FDA is warning people about Imodium overdoses
–– They’re full of shit.
Queen to Trump: We won't rock you
–– Hillary can use Fat Bottomed Girls.
Disney CEO: U.S. taxes are 'too high' and 'ridiculously complex'
–– 'And generally Mickey Mouse.'
J.K. Simmons' Trainer Reveals How the Star Got Huge Ahead of 'Justice League'
–– Hot pix of Wonder Woman.
How do Cirque du Soleil Performers Know They Won't Die?
–– Of embarrassment?
Maria Sharapova banned for two years over meldonium drug use
–– Invited to join Russia’s Olympic team.
One-third of American adults never floss, study says
–– Two-thirds do?!!
Green Party's Jill Stein to Sanders fans: 'There's a plan B here'
–– ‘To abort both our campaigns.’
Bernie Sanders Gets Trounced in California But Vows to Fight On
–– Was voted Most Lovable Loser.
Biden on Sanders: 'We should be a little graceful'
–– Tripping over words.
Hillary Clinton Made History, but Bernie Sanders Stubbornly Ignored It
–– But insists he supports "women's lib and bra burning."
Oriole punches pitcher, ignites brawl
–– Little bird packs wallop.
‘Veep’ Boss Calls Surprise Romantic Twist the "Ultimate Hate-F—"
–– “After Trump and GOP.”
A Cleveland Cavaliers’ Fan Loses Job After Calling Riley Curry A F—-t
–– After club explains what F––-t is.
Monkey causes nationwide blackout
–– When he farts.
Peter Shaffer Dies at 90; Playwright Won Tonys for ‘Equus’ and ‘Amadeus’
–– Shaffer bier.
Phyllis Curtin, American Soprano Who Championed New Music, Dies at 94
–– Curtins.
Kimbo Slice, popular MMA fighter and internet sensation, dies
–– Slice of death.
Ken Shamrock on The ‘Mystery’ of Kimbo Slice Heart Failure
–– "Aye, twas a bit o' bad luck."
Piers Morgan Claims Ali Said More “Racist” Things Than Trump, Chris Brown Claps Back
–– In Shitter on Twitter.
Poland, NATO states hold major drill amid security fears
–– Threaten to bore.
Father of Stanford swimmer convicted of rape calls 6-month sentence 'a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action'
–– Hopefully gets 6 months of action in jail.
Pharma exec Shkreli pleads not guilty to securities fraud
–– No contest to impersonating human.
Egypt puts former auditor on trial for exposing corruption
–– Government won't tolerate 's'finks.'
Perfectly Preserved Corpse of 3-Year-Girl Buried 145 Years Ago Buried Again Amid Tears and Song
–– Baby Got Back.
Axl Rose Asks Google to Remove Unflattering Photos
–– So his entire image search page?
Former Attorney General Gonzales says Trump has right to question judge's objectivity
–– Pausing as he trims Bush lawn in Crawford, TX.
Karl Rove Made A Joke About Slavery To A Bunch Of Hedge Fund Managers. It Didn’t Go Well.
–– Thought they'd be amused by stocks and bonds.
Grandmother killed by massive great white shark
–– He always resented her nagging.
Actions speak louder than Trump: His own lawyer said “the judge is doing his job” in Trump U. case
–– Trump: ‘Which should be picking lettuce.’
Girl stunned by what's inside this box
–– GF wanted to surprise her.
This 6'8" Woman and Her Wife from My Giant Life Have a Foot-and-a-Half Height Difference
–– 18" dildo helps.
BuzzFeed Pulls Out of Ad Deal With Republican Party Over Donald Trump
–– Make-believe news site with pretend ethics.
Gorilla killing: 3-year-old boy's mother won't be charged
–– With what, not leashing three-year-old?
Philippe Dauman: Sumner Redstone Can’t ‘Speak, Stand, Walk, Eat, Write or Read’
–– But he can fire.
Roger Clinton, Hillary’s Brother-in-Law, Arrested for DUI In California
–– And it wasn’t even Throwback Thursday.
Lindsey Vonn: Skier on a 'mission to grind' for America's Cup team
–– Lucky dance partners line up.
Underwater 'lost city' is a natural phenomenon, say scientists
–– Reporting idiotic speculation by tourists an internet phenomenon.
Army Reserve officer Deshauna Barber crowned Miss USA 2016
–– Reserve judgment.
’Genius’ Director: I Wanted Jude Law to Be ‘as Dangerous as Possible’
–– Can see why genius is in quotes.
Philippines president-elect: Public 'can kill' criminals
–– Inviting assassination.
‘Hamilton’ tickets as high as $10,000 on report Lin-Manuel Miranda is leaving
–– Or a ‘Chase.’
Verizon’s 'can you hear me now' guy joins Sprint
–– To bank.
GOP to Trump: Stop alienating Latinos
–– Trump: ‘They’re already aliens, I didn’t alienate them.’
Oprah’s other weight secret
–– Number 862.
Woman dies in 2nd fatal shark attack
–– Killer returned to finish job after SpongeBob break.
David French announces he will not make independent bid
–– To be recognized by more than 10 Americans.
Broadway May Not Be So White, but Is It Woman Enough?
–– And Gay — where oh where is the Gay?
Richard Simmons Hospitalized Following Bizarre Behavior: Report
–– They sure waited long enough.
Richard Simmons Says Recent Hospitalization Was Due to Dehydration
–– Had shrunk to size of dry sea-monkey.
Watch Paul Simon Deliver The News About Muhammad Ali's Death While Performing "The Boxer"
–– Song not a knock-out.
A sad day for George Foreman with his friend now gone
–– Grilled about loss.
Muhammad Ali Remembered, by Those Who Knew Him as Cassius
–– So-called ‘Clay pigeons.’
J.K. Rowling Responds to 'Racists' Upset by Harry Potter Casting: 'Hermione Can Be a Black Woman with My Absolute Blessing'
–– Waves wand, chants 'Castem Diversitatum.'
Chris Christie Has Trump's Esteem but Is Scorned at Home
–– Trump : Esteem :: Takata : Air Bags
Their son was killed. They believe his parrot is telling people who pulled the trigger.
–– Somebody named Polly who wants a cracker.
Sen. Bob Corker on Trump: 'I Think He's Going to Have to Change'
–– Displaying climate denier's expected ignorance of evolution.
Here’s what you need to know before you try to get a job at Disney World after graduation
–– It’ll kill your parents.
Chloe Grace Moretz quietly took the best National Donut Day picture
–– Shot hole in one.
‘Am I Going to Have to Evacuate?': Kardashian-Jenners React to Blazing 500-Acre Fire in Calabasas
–– You already have –– all over America.
Woman who recorded gorilla incident says toddler 'only had minutes left'
–– Tape was running out.
Donald Trump accused of 'hypocrisy' over tribute to Muhammad Ali
–– Responds: 'With tributes? I’m the Greatest.’
Trump denies Muhammad Ali slammed him over Muslim attacks: ‘Who knows who released that’
–– ‘That wasn’t my African-American.’
Caught on camera: Museum visitor wrecks clock exhibit
–– Given timeout.
Fox apologizes for 'X-Men: Apocalypse' ads showing Jennifer Lawrence being strangled
–– ‘We thought we were giving public what they wanted.’
Switzerland rejects plan to pay every citizen at least $2,500 a month
–– Government will provide each kilo of chocolate.
Ryan Howard Comments on Fan Throwing Bottle at Him During Game vs. Brewers
–– Jealous of his arm.
Police make arrests in Delhi hospital kidney racket
–– Delhi served cold cuts.
Morgan Freeman Respects His Producing Partner — And Likes Her in a Short Dress
–– Appreciates 'crack shot.'
Trump blames San Jose unrest on 'thugs,' 'illegals'
–– 'And those are my constituents!'
SLIME DISEASE
Week of 06/03/16
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Judd Apatow thinks haters of new 'Ghostbusters' are Trump supporters
–– Or maybe those who saw trailer.
Boy left in the woods by parents found
–– They didn't really love him.
Trump on black supporter: 'Look at my African-American over here'
–– 'My other one is back home, doing the carpets.'
Clif Bars join list of products recalled over listeria concern
–– Clif diving.
Losing weight comes down to overcoming 3 main hurdles
–– Your ass, gut, thighs.
Whatever happened to Bobbie Gentry? In search of country music's great vanished star.
–– Aww, go jump off the Tallahatchie bridge.
Thai monks, who charged tourists $17 for tiger selfies, kept 40 dead cubs in temple freezer
–– If visitors wanted frozen Kit Kat bars.
Video Shows `Property Brothers` Star Being Dragged Out of Bar
–– A drag bar?
CNN has finally figured out how to cover Donald Trump's constant lying
–– Turn off audio.
Trump hits back at PGA with ominous warning: ‘If I become your president, this stuff is all going to stop’
––
Organized sport, recreation, life as we know it.
HBO Is Battling PornHub Over Steamy 'Game Of Thrones' Clips
–– Championed by Ser Naked Stark.
Donald Trump hits back at Clinton's 'thin skin' comment
–– 'Yeah, but look at how thick my skull is. I have the thickest skull you've ever seen.'
Tourists who picked up baby bison speak out
–– Swear they didn't have sex with him.
Delta is making all in-flight entertainment free
–– Including seat-kicking, synchronized snoring, baby screaming.
Day after endorsement, Ryan slams Trump
–– Flagellates self.
‘Mona Lisa' stays dry in Paris floods as Louvre shuts its doors
–– Guards deny her vin.
Megan Fox on ‘Ninja Turtles’ and Female Stereotypes in Film
–– Describing entire career.
Pushy Parents to Loud Talkers: Broadway Stars Reveal Their 35 Biggest Audience Pet Peeves
–– 33. That creepy guy in the third row who won't stop staring at me!
‘Nice Guys' Producer Joel Silver Throws Tantrum After Being Told He Can't Take 20 Bags on Private Jet
–– 19 of which contain his balls.
Trump calls for Clinton to be jailed
— Obama waterboarded, Elizabeth Warren pilloried, Bill Maher drawn and quartered.
Boy calls 911 to report dad driving through red light
–– Mom calls 911 when dad finds out and goes after son.
Hillary Clinton: Trump is 'temperamentally unfit' to be president
–– Mentally, too.
Rubio Kisses Trump’s Ring, Apologizes For Mocking His ‘Small Hands’
–– Sucks every tiny digit dry.
Donald Trump Actually Does Not Know What Brexit Is
–– ‘Isn’t that the diarrhetic my doc prescribed?’
The Surge Of Trump-Fueled Anti-Semitism Is Hitting Jewish Reporters Who Cover Him
–– Trump: ‘No way, we go after any journalist with a big nose for news.’
Why are the French on strike ... again?
–– Hint in head, beginning with letter F.
Trump flip-flops on Japan nukes
–– Suggests Sumo Power Ranger Force instead.
Indiana Man Accused in 3 Deaths Modeled on 'The Purge'
–– Murder by laxative.
Germany declares 1915 Armenian killings a "genocide"
–– In expert opinion.
King Tut's dagger was 'made from a meteorite'
–– A comet practice.
Jeff Bezos decries Trump for trying to 'chill the media'
–– Which is already stone-cold stupid.
Oh no! Child demolishes $15K Lego statue
–– The little brick!
Barry Bonds On Public Persona: "I Was A Dumbass"
–– We loved you juiced as you were.
Is Dulles guard a war criminal?
–– He manhandled the luggage, but, c’mon…
Supporters: It's Bernie or bust
–– Which is crude way to refer to woman candidate, but whatever.
Erin Andrews scores "Most Interesting" new gig with Dos Equis
–– An entire campaign about her 'only interesting' quality –– peeping tom lawsuit settlement?
Ken Starr Resigns As Baylor Chancellor Amid Football Rape Scandal
–– Will take time to investigate if he can pin on Bill Clinton.
Kanye Threatens to Sue Bodyguard, Fired for 'Flirting With Kim,' for $30 Million
–– Which he could use for glasses and mental exam.
Jeff Bezos: This is why Amazon banned Chromecast and Apple TV
–– ‘They’re competitors, d’uh.’
Kind Caretaker Treats Baby Rhino to a Massage and He Reacts in the Sweetest Way Possible
–– A happy ending.
North Korea's media praise Trump talk about US troops
–– Dennis Rodman bruited as ambassador to new diplomatic mission.
Venomous snake relocated after cat fight in Australia
–– One hot chick used it as weapon against other.
The case for black holes being nothing but holograms just got even stronger
–– Along with your dosage of LSD.
Testy Trump takes his war with the press to a new level
–– Testes Trump.
Game of Thrones: George R.R. Martin Confirms Brienne of Tarth Has a Famous Ancestor
–– Tarthan.
Ice Cream Man Used Bat to Hit Pretzel Vendor, Authorities Say
–– Victim defended self with pretzel stick.
Wursts Fly At Vegans In Georgia Culture War
–– Sausage party!
’Her blood was drained’: Graphic novelist charged with killing girlfriend in Hollywood
–– In case of life imitating derivative, puerile hackwork.
To curb prostitution, punish those who buy sex rather than those who sell it
by Jimmy Carter
–– And charge fee to those with lust in heart.
Ex-employees on Trump University: 'A fraudulent scheme' and 'a total lie'
–– Listing most popular classes.
Watch Arnold Schwarzenegger Get Chased by Elephant in South Africa
–– Only if it stomps him at end.
How Will Abuse Charges Affect Johnny Depp’s Career?
–– It’s gotta Heard.
Florida alligators found eating human remains
–– With fava beans, nice chianti.
WHO advises eight weeks of safe sex after return from Zika areas
–– If you’ve experienced tiny little pricks.
‘Zoos aren’t your babysitter’: Parenting critics flay mom after gorilla shot to protect her preschooler
–– Go bananas.
Cincinnati Police Launch Criminal Probe Into Gorilla Incident at Zoo
–– Assign Inspector Kong to case.
Cincinnati gorilla incident: Police investigating boy's family
–– On suspicion of statutory ape.
Family in gorilla shooting speaks
–– “Oo oo oo ah ah ah!”
Disney execs are reportedly 'not happy' with the 'Star Wars' spin-off and have demanded reshoots
–– Rough cut received hand solo.
SiriusXM Suspends Glenn Beck For Agreeing With Author's Anti-Trump Comment
–– Fear his mental illness is ebbing.
Smith & Wesson Targets High-Growth Self-Defense Market With Newest Handgun
–– The coveted 'scared little bitch' demographic.
Las Vegas: Say goodbye to mermaids, deep-fried Twinkies on Fremont Street
–– Red Neck Aqua Brothel closing.
Shark Attack Reported on Both US Coasts This Memorial Day Weekend
–– In rival East Coast/West Coast swim-bys.
Kristina Hagman on life with dad Larry Hagman: 'We were basically homeless'
–– 'Felt like dad was ragman.'
Rare 'Inverted Jenny' stamp could sell for $1.6 million
–– Young woman was turned by experienced female predator.
Teen delivers 15-pound baby
–– Part of Papa John's promotion.
Python bites Thai man's penis in terrifying bathroom encounter
–– How do you think snake felt attacked by tiny toothless worm?
Pakistani men can beat wives 'lightly,' says new bill
–– Shelved amendment would've allowed response of knee to one ball.
Kim Jong Un's aunt lives secretly in the U.S.
–– Embarrassed it’s in Cleveland.
Bernie Sanders' Campaign Drops Tommy Chong as Intro Speaker Hours Before L.A. Rally
–– Like hot bong.
Bill Herz of ‘War of the Worlds’ Broadcast Dies at 99
–– Which mega hurts.
Kang Sok-ju, Nuclear Negotiator for North Korea, Dies at 76
–– While still awaiting Nobel Peace Prize.
This mom wrote an open letter to woman who gave her “the look” while her son was picking out a Barbie at Target
–– Assumed she might be gay, too.
Party balloons trigger brief White House lockdown
–– Obama was celebrating just eight more months.
Greek parliament approves reforms in exchange for aid, debt relief
–– Opposition critics: ‘A feta worse than death.’
Pope embraces Al-Azhar imam in sign of renewed relations
–– Pair dating again?
Wanda’s Wang Jianlin Criticizes Shanghai Disneyland
–– It’s no Wanda.
Jim Mora, on Josh Rosen’s ‘f**k Trump’ cap flap: ‘you’re heading towards Johnny Manziel’
–– No, ‘rational person.’
Sir Mix-a-Lot just shared his thoughts on the Blake Lively/"Baby Got Back" controversy
–– Lord Love-A-Duck just opined on semiotics of booty.
Clinton Still Can’t Get Sanders to Give It Up
–– The habit of making her look insincere.
Paris Hilton Has a Wardrobe Malfunction While Wearing a Daring Dress
–– Simply shocking fans of sex tape has-been.
Obama lifts U.S. arms ban on Vietnam
–– After tête-à-Tet.
Woman trying to prove ‘vegans can do anything’ among three dead on Everest
–– Well, no denying they can do that.
‘Game of Thrones' actor talks shocking character death
–– Hold the door! He’s dead?
Planters, Papa John's items recalled
–– Through haze of nausea.
American ISIS Defector: 'I've Let My Nation Down'
–– Yeah, Jihadist Iscariot!
Scientists Want to Bring Back Woolly Mammoths — But Why?
–– Comfier sweaters?
ISIS calls for more attacks on West during Ramadan
–– Fasting makes you want to blow self up.
Nile crocs lurking in Florida?
–– On Egyptian feet?
Taliban leader Mullah Mansour likely killed in airstrike, U.S. officials say
–– Let us bow our heads… naw, Yippee!
Camille Cosby: 'No opinion' on whether husband broke vows, deposition shows
–– 'Positive' last check cleared.