TELEVISION 7

Louie (FX) — def.: of or pertaining to the loo.
Rookie Blue (ABC) — Because he's in this.
Memphis Beat (TNT) — It.
Hot in Cleveland (TV Land) — Due to menopause.
Huge (ABC Family) — Disappointment.
The Real L Word (SHO) — Lez pall.
The Gates (ABC) — A dead room community.
Scoundrels (ABC) — Rascals flat.

Losing It With Jillian (NBC) — The South bitch diet.
The Hard Times of RJ Berger (MTV) — Boner's arc.
Are We There Yet? (TBS) — Yes, basic cable in June.
Dad Camp (VH1) — Where are the boas, corsets and pumps?
The Good Guys (FOX) — Corn cops.
You Don't Know Jack (HBO) — Croaker Jack.
Romantically Challenged (ABC) — Comedically, too.
Sunset Daze (WE) — Senior winces.
Happy Town (ABC) — Village of the dumbed.
Into the Universe with Stephen Hawking (DISC) — Paralysis analysis.
The Special Relationship (HBO) — The twee amigos.

Treme (HBO) — Creole miss.
Fugitive Chronicles (A&E) — Let 'em go.
Miami Medical (CBS) — Gator aid.
Fly Girls (CW) — Crackpot stews.
Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution (ABC) — Revolting.
Ugly Americans (COM) — Another Kardashians spin-off?
Sons of Tucson (FOX) — Pop con.

The Marriage Ref (NBC) — Dry ump.
Kirstie Alley's Big Life (NBC) — Bloat show.
Minute to Win It (NBC) — Sloppy seconds.
Life (DISC) — Less.
Justified (FX) — Ragged right.
High Society (CW) — Low life.
The Pacific (HBO) — Twaddlecanal.
The Biggest Loser Families (NBC) — Tubby or not tubby.
The 82nd Annual Academy Awards (ABC) — The hurt looker.
Parenthood (NBC) — Hell-raisers.
For Love of Liberty (PBS) — Brothers in arms.
How to Make It in America (HBO) — Makes it all over your rug.
The Ricky Gervais Show (HBO) — I, toons.
NFL Full Contact (TruTV) — Illegal use of hams.
Superbowl XLIV (CBS) — Saints and sinkers.
Who Do You Think You Are? (NBC) — Someone who thinks this sucks.
Funny or Die (HBO) — Die.
The 52nd Annual Grammy Awards (CBS) — Grammy cracker.
Emma (PBS) — Austen taxes.
Kell on Earth (Bravo) — Kell dommage!
The Deep End (ABC) — Of the puddle.
La La Land (SHO) — Troll La La.
Spartacus: Blood and Sand (Starz) — What's in his head.
Past Life (FOX) — Passed wind.
Undercover Boss (CBS) — Muddle management.
The 67th Golden Globe Awards (NBC) — Backslap molasses.
Life Unexpected (CW) — Predictable.
The Buried Life (MTV) — Not deep enough.
Paranormal Cops (A&E) — Why not a pair o' normal cops?
Fantasia for Real (VH1) — I prefer the toon.
Human Target (FOX) — He sells cheap housewares.
The Kennedy Center Honors (CBS) — They didn't know Jack.
One Big Happy Family (TLC) — Roly-polygamy.
The Jacksons: A Dynasty (A&E) — Of the inbred variety.
Yes, Virginia (CBS) — There is another shitty animated Christmas special.
Men of a Certain Age (TNT) — And acting ability.
The Sing-Off (NBC) — Key.
Steven Seagal Lawman (A&E) — The Sheriff of Rotten Ham.
Alice (Syfy) — Twaddle dum.
Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura (TruTV) — 'The Body' of evidence.
12 Men of Christmas (Lifetime) — Twelve dudes a-slumming.
The National Tree (Hallmark) — Spruce goose.
A Dog Named Christmas (CBS) — A dog named A Dog Named Christmas.
Find My Family (ABC) — Look in rehab.
Chef Academy (BRV) — Cookie cutter.
The Prisoner (AMC) — A clinker.
Lopez Tonight (TBS) — Caca Lopez.
The Wanda Sykes Show (FOX) — Small Wanda.
V (ABC) — D.
The League (FX) — Of extraordinary munge.
Poliwood (SHO) — Polidon't.
Fanboy and Chum Chum (NICK) — Less than chumming.

Monty Python: Almost the Truth (the Lawyer's Cut) (IFC) — Of Python Men.
The Jeff Dunham Show (COM) — Dummy or not dummy?
White Collar (USA) — Con dog.
Lock n' Load (SHO) — Gun wreck.
Discovering Ardi (Discovery) — The Ardi boys.
Leave it to Lamas (E!) — Either High or Dalai.

The Late Show (CBS) — David cop-a-feel.
Brick City (Sundance Channel) — Urban panners.
Sherri (Lifetime) — The bad Shepherd.
Secret Girlfriend (Comedy Central) — Lemon squeeze.
Celebrity Ghost Stories (Bio) — Star Lite, Star Fright.
SGU Stargate Universe (SyFy) — SGU you.

Hank (CBS) — Arrant.
The Cleveland Show (FOX) — Blobby Brown.
The Middle (ABC) — Of nowhere.
NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS) — Spin-awful.
Accidentally on Purpose (CBS) — Incidentally no purpose.
Three Rivers (CBS) — The Ohio, the Allegheny and the Moron-go-heal-her.
The Dr. Oz Show (Syndicated) — Takes a Wiz.
Trauma (NBC) — To the cerebellum.
The National Parks (PBS) — Gorge Burns.

The Good Wife (CBS) — The Bad Show.
FlashForward (ABC) — FlushDownward.
Cougar Town (ABC) — Cox teaser.
Mercy (NBC) — Please, make it stop!
The Forgotten (ABC) — Should be recalled.
Eastwick (ABC) — Evil connival.
Modern Family (ABC) — Happy as a clan.
Brothers (FOX) — Bloods and crimps.

The Jay Leno Show (NBC) — Jay-Zzzzz.
Bored to Death (HBO) — Or to a catatonic stupor, at least.
Georgia O'Keefe (Lifetime) — A smearjerker.
Community (NBC) — Service.
Archer (FX) — High-strung.
The Beautiful Life (CW) — Pretty ugly.
Eddie Griffin: Going for Broke (VH1) — And achieving it.
The Vampire Diaries (CW) — The Joy Suck Club.

Glee (FOX) — Club. Repeatedly.
Surviving Disaster (Spike) — Including this?
The 61st Annual Primetime Emmy Awards (CBS) — Vacuum tube.
The Dog Year (HBO) — Feels like seven.
Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage (FOX) — Eight crimes.
Glenn Martin DDS (Nick at Night) — Dental flaws.
Househusbands of Hollywood (FOX Reality) — Mr. Smarm.
My Antonio (VH1) — Sedouche bag.
Lords of the Revolution (VH1) — '60s minutes.
There Goes the Neighborhood (CBS) — Gyp off the old block.
Shark Tank (ABC) — Investment capital punishment.
Police Women of Broward County (TLC) — Blue belles.
How'd You Get So Rich (TVLand) — Symbols of effluence.
Bollywood Hero (IFC) — Kattan mouse.
Defying Gravity (ABC) — The height of idiocy.
More to Love (FOX) — Fatty assets.
Being Human (BBC America) — Acting simian.
The Storm (NBC) — Drooper.
The Wanted (NBC) — Tracker jack.
Dating in the Dark (ABC) — For the very dim.
The T.O. Show (VH1) — Terr'ble Owens.
Most Popular (WE) — In crack dens.
Miami Social (BRV) — Disease.
Drop Dead Diva (Lifetime) — No, really, drop dead.
Warehouse 13 (Syfy) — Beast Buy.
10 Things I Hate About You (ABC Family) — Not counting the last 30 minutes.
Hung (HBO) — Like a gnat.
NYC Prep (BRV) — H.
The Philanthropist (NBC) — Give me a break.
Merlin (NBC) — Casts a smell.
Wedding Day (TNT) — You'll want to tie the knot…around your neck.
Raising Sextuplets (WE) — With six you get ugh roll.
HawthoRNe (TNT) — A lethal doze.
Hammertime (A&E) — U can't touch this.
16 & Pregnant (MTV) — Ma ma black sheep.
Nurse Jackie (SHO) — A bitter pill.
The Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien (NBC) — Tardy har har.
I'm a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! (NBC) — Jump shit.
The Listener (NBC) — Mos deaf.
Royal Pains (USA) — The unwell-to-do.
Jesse James is a Dead Man (SPIKE) — From the neck up.
The Goode Family (ABC) — Easy PC.
Mental (FOX) — Brain scam.
Hitched or Ditched (CW) — Bitched.
Obsessed (A&E) — The disorderly orderly.
Glee (FOX) — Whiz.
4th and Long (SPIKE) — Pigs' kin.
Charm School Gives Back With Ricki Lake (VH1) — It returns your contempt.
The Fashion Show (BRV) — Rack and ruin.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey (BRV) — Burb brains.
Wallander (PBS) — Scandi ass.
Life After People: The Series (HIST) — Cockroaches should like it.
The Phone (MTV) — Call wading.
The Cougar (TV Land) — Grrross.
Grey Gardens (HBO) — Punchy bags.
Sit Down, Shut Up (FOX) — Pee-yewpils.
Parks and Recreation (NBC) — BiPoehler.
Southland (NBC) — Prickly heat.
Krod Mandoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire (COM) — Sordid sorcery.
The Unusuals (ABC) — Same old same mold.
Surviving Suburbia (ABC) — Split. Level.
Harper's Island (CBS) — A slaycation.
Cupid (ABC) — Comedy of Eros.
Osbournes Reloaded (FOX) — With blankety-blanks.
The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency (HBO) — More like No. 2.
Little Dorrit (PBS) — Slim Dickens.
In the Motherhood (ABC) — Maternity. Leave.
Better Off Ted (ABC) — Drop Ted.
Tough Love (VH1) — Positively gristly.
Party Down (Starz) — In the subbasement.
Taking the Stage (MTV) — Overhaul of Fame.

Kings (NBC) — Ran some.
The Chopping Block (NBC) — A cleaver bastard.
Battles BC (HIST) — BC bodies.
Castle (ABC) — Kreep.
Ashes to Ashes (BBC America) — To asses.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (NBC) — The wee-wee hours.
Mistresses (BBC America) — Slut machines.
Taking Chance (HBO) — Not worth the risk.
Oliver Twist (PBS) — Of lemon.
Eastbound & Down (HBO) — Pitch and putz.

Important Things With Demetri Martin (COM) — Public quirks project.
T.I.'s Road to Redemption: 45 Days to Go (MTV) — Jumps the gun charges.
Dollhouse (FOX) — Whedon wacker.
The Trials of Ted Haggard (HBO) — Popper don't preach.
The Diplomat (ION) — Attaché case.
The Last Templar (NBC) — Slimin' Templar.
Lie to Me (FOX) — OK. The show's brilliant!
Wuthering Heights (PBS) — Withering hypes.
We Are One: The Obama Inaugural Celebration (HBO) — Yes, we canned.
Howie Do It (NBC) — Howie Doody.
13 -- Fear Is Real (CW) — The dweeby-jeebies.
Game Show in My Head (CBS) — Where nothing else is on.
DietTribe (LIFE) — The Paunchee.
United States of Tara (SHO) — IDotic.
Homeland Security USA (ABC) — Like a TSA cavity search.
The City (MTV) — Never wakes.
Bromance (MTV) — You'll need Bromo.
A Double Shot at Love (MTV) — For herpes and chlamydia.
Momma's Boys (NBC) — Date, nut-bred.
Secret Millionaire (FOX) — Grant illusion.
Front of the Class (CBS) — Travelling Tourette's class.
Leverage (TNT) — Debt beats.
Shatner's Raw Nerve (Bio) — Sciatica! Sciatica!
Spectacle: Elvis Costello With… (Sundance) — Watching the defectives.
Estate of Panic (Sci Fi) — The laugh-till-you-piss kind.
House of Saddam (HBO) — Saddam's Family Values.
Ricky Gervais: Out of England –– The Stand-up Special (HBO) — Slime Ricky.
First Class All the Way (Bravo) — Not worth a 44¢ stamp.
Whale Wars (Animal Planet) — Blubber butts.
Summer Heights High (HBO) — Oz school confidential.
God on Trial (PBS) — Jehovah, your witness.
Legend of the Seeker (WPIX) — PapQuest.
Stylista (CW) — Shmata whory.
Living With the Wolfman (Animal Planet) — No howls barred.
Rita Rocks (LIFE) — Mom and Pop.
Chocolate News (COM) — Milks duds.
Toughest Race on Earth: Iditarod (Discovery) — I thought it was them Eskimo.
Crash (Starz) — Offender bender.
Crusoe (NBC) — Shitwreck.
My Own Worst Enemy (NBC) — Your agent deserves some blame, too.
The Starter Wife (USA) — Messing around.

Testees (FX) — Go, Nads!
Eleventh Hour (CBS) — Dick doc.
Kath & Kim (NBC) — Shrill, baby, shrill.
Life on Mars (ABC) — Diddly squad.
Valentine (CW) — Slings and Eros.
The Last Enemy (PBS) — Foe shizzle.
Sanctuary (SCIFI) — Skankdom sanctorum.
Vice Presidential Debate (CNN) — The Wind and the Lyin'.
The IT Crowd (IFC) — Geek chorus.
Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon Network) — Repeat offenders.

The Ex List (CBS) — Bury The Ex.
The Life & Times of Tim (HBO) — Tiny Tim.
Little Britain USA (HBO) — English muffing.
The Mentalist (CBS) — The most mental.
Gary Unmarried (CBS) — Rickety split.
60th Annual Emmy Awards (ABC) — Box tops.
Worst Week (CBS) — Ever.
Coco Chanel (LIFE) — Hemming and whoring.
Fringe (FOX) — Cringe.
Privileged (CW) — Brat worst.

The Bonnie Hunt Show (NBC) — Scavenger Hunt.
Somebodies (BET) — Nobodies.
Do Not Disturb (FOX) — Turn down service.
The Life and Times of Vivienne Vyle (Sundance) — Chatfight.
Republican National Convention (CNN) — McCain ain't able.
90210 (CW) — Zip.
True Blood (HBO) — Hemosexuals.
Democratic National Convention (MSNBC) — Barack climber.
Sons of Anarchy (FX) — Chopper by the dozen.
Depth Charge (Spike) — Sub par.

America's Toughest Jobs (NBC) — Aside from watching this.
Z Rock (IFC) — This is Spineless Tap.
Raising the Bar (TNT) — On which I'm raising my leg.
The Cho Show (VH1) — Korea suicide.
Tabatha's Salon Takeover (BRV) — Coup de twat.
The Wendy Williams Show (FOX) — A flat Tyra.
The XXIX Summer Olympics (NBC) — Chinese take out…the round-eyes.
Pam: Girl on the Loose (E!) — Boob job.
The Cleaner (A&E) — Man and Soberman.
Flashpoint (CBS) — Flimflammable.

Queen Bee (The N) — Stings up the joint.
Greatest American Dog (CBS) — Another Tori Spelling reality show?
Generation Kill (HBO) — Grunts and groans.
Burn Notice (USA) — Turd degree.
Click & Clack's As the Wrench Turns (PBS) — If you like having your nuts twisted.
The Secret Life of the American Teenager (ABC Family) — Sweat 16.
A Gunfighter's Pledge (Hallmark) — Lemony-fresh.
United States Olympic Trials (NBC) — In the jury pool.
I Survived a Japanese Game Show (ABC) — Hairy-kiri.
Wipeout (ABC) — Slobstacle course.
The Baby Borrowers (NBC) — Kid nappies.
Factory (SpikeTV) — Powerless tools.
Say Yes to the Dress (TLC) — Say Ach! to the frock.
The Middleman (ABC Family) — Dr. Hooey.
Secret Diary of a Call Girl (SHO) — Dear john.
The Mole (ABC) — Beg, burrow and steal.
She's Got the Look (TVLand) — Of a starving cougar.
Fear Itself (NBC) — Blood. Simple.
Army Wives (LIFE) — Corporal punishment.
Sybil (CBS) — Unrest.

TOP
TELEVISION 6

Cinema
Television
Television 2
Television 3
Television 4
Television 5
Television 6
Television 7
Christmas Shows 2016
Theatre
Music
Literature

E. Basil St. Blaise

 

Swingtown (CBS) — Swap meat.
The Andromeda Strain (A&E) — Streptocaca.
Recount (HBO) — Chad low.
In Plain Sight (USA) — Sticks out like a sore bum.
Living Lohan (E!) — Dramama queen.
Denise Richards: It's Complicated (E!) — Like a multiple fracture.
Farmer Wants a Wife (CW) — Animal husbandry.
Cranford (PBS) — Tea bags.
A Room With A View (PBS) — Of a ventilation shaft.
Rock the Cradle (MTV) — Spawn stars.

I Can Make you Thin (TLC) — By inducing projectile vomiting.
Survivor: Micronesia (CBS) — Macronausea.
Bush's War (PBS) — Fool proof.
Tracey Ullman's State of the Union (SHOW) — A bad Ullman.
Rachael Ray (CBS) — She can grate Parmesan cheese with her voice.
Judge Joe Brown (CBS) – Motion sickness.
The Riches (FX) — An embarrassment of.
Miss Guided (ABC) — Miss Begotten.
Top Chef: Chicago (BRV) — Windy ziti.
Black Magic (ESPN) – Slum dunk.
The Return of Jezebel James (FOX) – Baby bump and grind.
John Adams (HBO) – A floundering father.
Lewis Black's Root of All Evil (COM) — Bile lingual.
Oprah's Big Give (ABC) — She spreads her largesse.
Women Behind Bars (WE) — Canned peaches.
The Real Housewives of New York City (BRV) — From nags to riches.
New Amsterdam (FOX) – Same dam thing.
High School Reunion (TVLAND) — As depressing as the real thing.
Pussycat Dolls Presents: Girlicious (CW) — Scumdiddlyumptious.
The Secret Life of a Soccer Mom (TLC) — She brings unhealthy snacks to the game!
Unhitched (FOX) — And rolling backwards down the hill.
A Raisin in the Sun (ABC) — Diddy? I'm afraid so.
quarterlife (NBC) — halfdeath.
The 80th Annual Academy Awards (ABC) — Ego-disaster.
Knight Rider (NBC) — Mustang silly.
My Dad is Better Than Your Dad (NBC) — At bone smuggling.
Amne$ia (NBC) — Forget it.
1 vs. 100 (NBC) — Odds it won't cause brain seizure.
The Millionaire Matchmaker (BRV) — Cupid pet tricks.
The Price is Right (CBS) — The sum also rises.
The Whitest Kids U'Know (IFC) — Who aren't funny.
Bernard and Doris (HBO) — Dozy Duke.
Lipstick Jungle (NBC) — Gloss blower.
UFO Hunters (HIST) — Razz well.
Welcome to the Captain (CBS) — Rant controlled.
Super Bowl XLII (FOX) — A Pat on his back.
Eli Stone (ABC) — À la McBeal.
The State of the Union 2008 (COM) — W. of Mass Destruction.
In Treatment (HBO) — Shrink rapt.
The Moment of Truth (FOX) — When you realize your life is so meaningless that you can squander 60 mins. of it on this.
Crowned: The Mother of All Pageants (CW) — Tiara Boob-de-ay!
Keeping Up With the Kardashians (E!) — Bottom feeders.
Psych (USA) — Out.
The Celebrity Apprentice (NBC) — Nobodies business.
Comanche Moon (CBS) — Adds insult to injunry.
American Gladiators (NBC) — Circus minimus.
Cashmere Mafia (ABC) — Died in the wool.
Make Me a Supermodel (BRV) — Sure, got some baling wire, 2 gel implants, and a wombat brain?
Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (FOX) — Cybores.
Breaking Bad (AMC) — A complete meth.
Dance War (ABC) — Arch de Triomphe.
Celebrity Rehab (VH1) — Cured hams.
Charlie Rose (PBS) – And fell.
Big Idea With Donny Deutsch (CNBC) – Small-minded.
Clash of the Choirs (NBC) – Collision chorus.
Duel (ABC) – Mano-a-manure.
Little People (TLC) – Short on substance.
Survivor: China (CBS) – Try licking their toys.
This Old House Hour (PBS) – A mixer-upper.
I Want to Look Like a High School Cheerleader Again (CMT) – Smear yogurt in your hair and pass out in that puddle of beer.
Dirty Jobs (DISC) – High mucky-muck.
PM Style (QVC) – More like PMS style.
Big Shots (ABC) – Of cheap gin.
Carpoolers (ABC) – Takes its toll.
Cavemen (ABC) – Cro-magnonentities.
Dirty Sexy Money (ABC) – Cash hot, show not.
Private Practice (ABC) – Grey'sless.
Pushing Daisies (ABC) – DOA.
Samantha Who? (ABC) – Whooey.
Women's Murder Club (ABC) – Murder most foul.
The Big Bang Theory (CBS) – Bang the dumb slowly.
Cane (CBS) – Sugar schlock.
Kid Nation (CBS) – Terms of youth.
Moonlight (CBS) – Dick sucks.
Viva Laughlin (CBS) – The singing defective.
Aliens in America (CW) – Allah in the Family.
CW Now (CW) – More like WC Now.
Gossip Girl (CW) – Preposterous.
Life is Wild (CW) – Bungle in the jungle.
Online Nation (CW) – Log off.
Reaper (CW) – Grim.
Back to You (FOX) – Anchors, away!
K-Ville (FOX) – Katrina and the waves of nausea.
Kitchen Nightmares (FOX) – Dream cleaver.
Nashville (FOX) – Tennessee schmaltz.
The Next Great American Band (FOX) – Pop go the weasels.
Bionic Woman (NBC) – Brain by Radio Shack.
Chuck (NBC) – Good advice.
Journeyman (NBC) – Trips.
Life (NBC) – Support.
59th Primetime Emmy Awards (FOX) – Dirty little Seacrest.
2007 MTV Video Music Awards (MTV) – Spears chuckler.
Power of Ten (CBS) – Dumographics.
Tell Me You Love Me (HBO) – OK, and you're ass doesn't look big in the sex scenes.
Anchorwoman (FOX) – I, Witless News.
Star Jones (COURT) – Gastric. Bypass.
High School Music 2 (DIS) – Cram chorus.
The Company (TNT) – Wank-a-mole.
Saving Grace (TNT) – Start with a square meal.
The Closer (TNT) – Lacks conviction.
Flight of the Conchords (HBO) – SSTupid.
The Hills (MTV) – Are alive with the sound of mucus.
The Bronx is Burning (ESPN) – It's jock itch.
Damages (FX) – To my cerebral cortex.
Mad Men (AMC) – Sons of pitches.
Set for Life (ABC) – In concrete.
This American Life (SHO) – Glass, half full of himself.
The Singing Bee (NBC) – Buzz kill.
Don't Forget the Lyrics! (FOX) – ai yai yaiTunes.
American Dad (FOX) – If Family Guy is too subtle for you.
Greek (ABC) – Fratulence.
Shaq's Big Challenge (ABC) – Chubby checkers.
Criss Angel: Mindfreak (A&E) – Sleight of ham.
John From Cincinnati (HBO) – Boob tubular.
Age of Love (NBC) – Consenting dolts.
Hidden Palms (CW) – They're in his pants.
National Bingo Night (ABC) – Riffraffle.
Big Love (HBO) –– I won't pan it, but it's awful bigamy.
The Tudors (SHO) –– A royal mess.
Sunset Tan (E!) –– Bronze bomber.
Shear Genius (BRV) – Cliptomania.
Ultimate Coyote Ugly Search (CMT) – Shake your Mai Tai maker.
On the Lot (FOX) – Turkey shoot.
Pirate Master (CBS) – Raiders of the Lost Arrgh!
Real Wedding Crashers (NBC) – RSVPee.
The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman (ABC) – Rank yanker.
Antiques Roadshow (PBS) – Junkies.
Run's House (MTV) – Home sweet homie.
Adventures in Hollyhood (MTV) – The Scumset Strip.
The Colbert Report (COM) – Neoconterfeit.
Daily Show With Jon Stewart (COM) – Such a big mocker.
Larry King Live (CNN) – Just barely.
Identity (NBC) – Penn and duller.
Close to Home (CBS) – The outhouse to be exact.
Raines (NBC) – All wet.
October Road (ABC) – Writer's cramps.
Andy Barker, P.I. (NBC) – Mal Barker.
Hogan Knows Best (VH1) – The inedible Hulk.
Dice Undisputed (VH1) – World's Biggest Asshole, no contest.
The Winner (FOX) – A weiner.
79th Academy Awards (ABC) – DeGeneric.
In Case of Emergency (ABC) – Click OFF.
The Wedding Bells (FOX) – Union jack.
Wicked Wicked Games (MNT) – Like Spin the Bottle of Paxil.
Black Donnellys (NBC) – When Irish guys are smelling.
Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? (FOX) – Are you watching this?
The Sarah Silverman Program (COM) – Potty girl.
Naked Trucker & T-Bones (COM) – Honk if you love overalls.
High School Musical (DIS) – Acts of atrocity.
Friday Night SmackDown! (CW) – Pin-heads.
The Real Housewives of Orange County (BRV) – Mrs. mock.
Gay, Straight or Taken? (LIFE) – Swish list.
Footballer$ Wives (BBCA) – Goal diggers.
My Super Sweet 16 – (MTV) The princess and the PS3.
Dirt (FX) – Dishoveled.
The Knights of Prosperity (ABC) – Gang green.
Rules of Engagement (CBS) – Manual stimulation.
Grease: You're the One That I Want (NBC) – To get hit by a '59 Chevy.
Blue Collar TV (WB) – Goobermensch.
Charmed (WB) – Hex offenders.
My Boys (TBS) – Seven boobs, including hers.
Best Week Ever (VH1) – Banalysis.
The Soup (E!) – Cream of dirt.
Smallville (CW) – This Kent be happening.
One Tree Hill (CW) – A log on a bump.
Friday Night Lights (NBC) – 4th and 100.
Show Me the Money (ABC) – Just lift Shatner's rug.
Top Chef (BRV) – Cordon bhluughh.
3 Lbs. (CBS) – About the weight of a frozen ham.
Fashion House (MNT) – Botrocious.
Desire – (MNT) Turn off.
The Nine – (ABC) Nein.
Laguna Beach (MTV) – SoCallow.
Battlestar Galactica (SCI FI) – Sigh-fi.
Dexter (SHO) – Homicide-splitting.
The L-Word (SHO) – Loser.
Vanished (FOX) – Poof! piece.
Help Me Help You (ABC) – Paging Dr. Kevorkian.
Kidnapped (NBC) – Mom napped. Dad napped. Dog napped.
Class (CBS) – Head of the crass.
Jericho (CBS) – Fallout boy.
Ugly Betty (ABC) – Dog show.
Saturday Night Live (NBC) – Just turned 32, exactly 18 months older than its last amusing skit.
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (NBC) – The Waste Wing.
30 Rock (NBC) – Fey.
Heroes (NBC) – Stupor-powered.
Twenty Good Years (NBC) – Spend none of them on this.
Shark (CBS) – Really, really bites.
Smith (CBS) – Snuffy.
Men in Trees (ABC) – What the Malay call orangutans.
The New Adventures of Old Christine (CBS) – Sitcomatose.
Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO) – Yatter-yatter-yatter.
Weeds (SHO) – Pot shot.
Standoff (FOX) – Stale mates.
Justice (FOX) – A miscarriage.
'Til Death (FOX) – Can't wait.
George Lopez (ABC) – Kidney beaner.
The Mind of Mencia (COM) – Demencia praecox.
Celebrity Duets (FOX) – Two bad.
Countdown with Keith Olbermann (MSNBC) – The O'Reilly Fucker.
War at Home (FOX) – Bag Dad.
Rock Star: Supernova (CBS) – Burnout.
America Has Talent (NBC) – Evidence to the contrary.
Kyle XY (ABC Family) – Zzzzzz.
Hell's Kitchen (FOX) – One toque over the line.
Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List (BRV) – Wannabeeatch.
Last Comic Standing (NBC) – Stand-up and jeer.
The One: Making a Music Star (ABC) – #1 with a bullshit.
Entourage (HBO) – Posse whipped.
Lovespring International (LIFE) – Expiration dates.
Windfall (NBC) – Bobonanza.
The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency (OXY) – Manic kin.
Tuesday Night Book Club (CBS) – They should've read the warning on the Zoloft label.
Lucky Louie (HBO) – He hasn't got HBO.
How to Get the Guy (ABC) – Femme futile.
Treasure Hunters (NBC) – Playing for creeps.
Nashville Star (CMT) – Bland Ole Opry.
Pepper Dennis (WB) – Bad News Bunny.
South Park (COM) – Envy Kenny.
Family Guy (FOX) – Haterfamilias.
Alias (ABC) – Pseudonymskull.
The Evidence (ABC) – Clueless.
Heist (NBC) – Heavy lifting.
Hustle (AMC) – Filmflam.
Blow Out (BRV) – Sham poo.
Beauty & the Geek (WB) – Dweeb dreams are made of this.
Modern Men (WB) – Because they're erect?
American Inventor (ABC) – Patently absurd.
The Loop (FOX) – Circle jerks.
The Unit (CBS) – A millimamet.
The Sopranos (HBO) – Badder bing.
Sons and Daughters (ABC) – Children of the corn.
Project Runway (BRV) – On the rags.
Love Monkey (CBS) – Primating.
How I Met Your Mother (CBS) – Deaf, dumb and blind date.
Skating With Celebrities (FOX) – Thick head, thin ice.
Crumbs (ABC) – What's left of the Ho Hos.
Jimmy Kimmel Live! (ABC) – Did they check his pulse?
Law & Order (NBC) – Arrested development.
Law & Order: SVU (NBC) – Get away.
Law & Order: Criminal Intent (NBC) – Bogus operandi.
The Office (NBC) – Job blot.
Deal or No Deal (NBC) – With Howie Mandel you've got to ask?
Monk (USA) – Felonious.
Emily's Reasons Why Not (ABC) – ABC's: 2. Script. 1. Heather Graham. (Cancelled)
The Bachelor (CBS) – Harem scare'm.
Jake in Progress (ABC) – A jerk in progress.
Prison Break (FOX) – Detention deficit disorder.
Wife Swap (ABC) – Shrew confessions.
Las Vegas (NBC) – What happens in Vegas stays in your colon.
That 70's Show (FOX) – Polyesteryear.
The Shield (FX) – Good cop, bald cop.
Stacked (FOX) – Grade 36D.
Commander in Chief (ABC) – Geena Davis as the first female President of the United States. Bill Clinton's wet dream.
The Biggest Loser (NBC) – The fat goes right to your head.
Twins (WB) – Melanie Griffith's are not identical (her plastic surgeon had lazy eye.)
Supernanny (ABC) – Watching these families in action is a Vatican-approved method of birth control.
Still Standing (CBS) – Which is why it isn't much of a sitcom.
Freddie (ABC) – Prinze charmless.
House (FOX) – Broken.
Joey (NBC) – With Friends like this, who needs enemas?
Criminal Minds (CBS) – A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Everwood (WB) – Never would.
The Tyra Banks Show (WB) – So, the boobs are real, but a silicone gel cranial implant has not been ruled out.
America’s Next Top Model (BRV) – Fash test dummies.
My Name is Earl (NBC) – And I'll be your lovable loser tonight.
Supernatural (CW) – Things that go pfft! in the night.
The Showbiz Show (COM) – Spade digs dirt.
Numb3rs (CBS) – Dumb3rs.
Head Cases (FOX) – Compost mentis.
Ghost Whisperer (CBS) – Psst, the horse was too smart to take the part.
Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO) – Enthusiasm didn't leave that on my lawn.
Just Legal (WB) – All plots are at least 18 years old.
The Apprentice: Martha Stewart (NBC) – Bitch tapped.
E-Ring (NBC) – Colonel Dennis Hopper, the original Joint Chief, protecting the Pentagon? Why not the DEA?
Three Wishes (NBC) – I'm not greedy, Amy, grant me just one. What, you're still here?
Bones (FOX) – Boner.
Threshold (CBS) – Exceeds mine, for pain.
Rome (HBO) – Toga! Toga! Toga!
So Graham Norton (BBCA) – Norton Queers a Who.
Cold Case (CBS) – More dead bodies from the Cadaver Broadcasting System.
So You Think You Can Dance (FOX) – Tapped out.
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC) – Bed, Bathos and Beyond.
Nip/Tuck (FX) – Botoxic waste.
Big Brother 6 (CBS) – Voyeur of the Damned.
According to Jim (ABC) – John was the less talented one.
Everybody Hates Chris (CW) – Soft Rock.
Invasion (ABC) – Of the premise snatchers.
Over There (FX) – Beyond credibility, a little to the left of self-righteousness.
Tommy Lee Goes to College –(VH1) Summa dum mötle.
Rescue Me (FX) – I'm an insufferably smug comic trapped in a burning ego!
West Wing (NBC) – Washington, BC.
Scrubs (NBC) – The bottom of the barrel.
Grey's Anatomy (ABC) – Note the lack of a funny bone and the severely-undersized brain.
Minding the Store (TBS) – Even the canned laughs are bad.
Six Feet Under (HBO) – Worms seem to like it.
Two and a Half Men (CBS) – There's Sheen, Cryer and the kid – who are the other two?
Crossing Jordan (NBC) – To get to the other coroner.
What I Like About You (CW) – Cute as a button and only 21 minutes long.
48 Hours Mystery (CBS) – Not enough time to discover why people watch this crap.
Hit Me Baby One More Time (NBC) – Sure, Tiffany, just sing I Think We're Alone Now one more time.
The OC (FOX) – As entertaining as OCD.
Deadwood (HBO) – You said it, pardner.
Medium (NBC) – Neither rare nor well-done.
The Amazing Race (CBS) – Shameless humans are pretty incredible.
Judging Amy (CBS) – Pursuant to which, the jury hangs itself.
American Idol (FOX) – Deaf Jam.
24 (FOX) – 1,440. You'll be counting the minutes.
CSI (CBS) – An insult to the brain.
CSI: Miami (CBS) – Postmortem boredom. Autopsy-worthy performance by David Caruso.
CSI: New York (CBS) – Stiff competition. Reptilian Gary Sinise can't blink, you can't keep your eyes open.
NCIS (CBS) – Not CSI, even if you're the dyslexic CBS takes you for.
Lost (ABC) – Get.
Desperate Housewives (ABC) – Beneath the Valley of the Doll's House.
The Apprentice (NBC) – Infomercial for a make-believe billionaire and his get-ditched-quick scheme.
Without A Trace (CBS) – Of logic.
Boston Legal (ABC) –– "Crawl over here, 'Ms.' Shatner, and let me place this legal brief between the cheeks of your flabby bottom."