TELEVISION 4

First Impressions (USA) –– Apes in the hole.
Marseille (Netflix) –– Messeille.
Houdini and Doyle (FOX) –– I’m not wild about Harry.
Lemonade (HBO) –– Tart.
United Shades of America (CNN) –– Black–itch.
Rebellion (Sundance) –– Unrest in development.
Containment (CW) –– But this leaked out.
American Grit (FOX) –– Abrasive.
The Last Panthers (Sundance) –– Pink, bury.

Confirmation (HBO) –– Hearing loss.
Detour (TBS) –– Alternate rot.
The Night Manager (AMC) –– Suite and sour.
Dice (SHO) –– Snake eyes.
Game of Silence (NBC) –– For cringing out loud.
Jackie Robinson (PBS) –– Way off base.
Hunters (Syfy) –– Bag it.
The Detectorists (Acorn TV) –– Scrap mettle.
Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards (NICK) –– Duck, duck, goos.
Heartbeat (NBC) –– Arrhythmic tick.
The Eighties (CNN) –– Everybody wanes some.
The Ranch (Netflix) –– Doodoo Ranch.
The Characters (Netflix) –– Improverished.
Lopez (TV Land) –– George bushed.
Hoff the Record (AXS TV) –– Hoff-cocked.
The Path (Hulu) –– Illogical.
The Catch (ABC) –– Of the daze.
The Passion (FOX) –– Pit.
Pee-wee’s Big Holiday (Netflix) –– Pee-wee reeks.
Little Big Shots (NBC) –– Tyke pity.
Bride & Prejudice (FYI) –– WEDTv.
Cooks vs. Cons (Food Network) –– Chilly Con corny.
Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders (CBS) –– Sinise guard.
Fantastic Lies (ESPN) –– Fibulous!
And Then There Were None (Lifetime) -– Decent TV adaptations of Christie.
60 Days In (A&E) –– Stir crazy.
Of Kings and Prophets (ABC) –– Seer lunacy.
Flaked (Netflix) –– Wack job.
Underground (WGN) –– Buried.
Damien (A&E) –– Hurts.
Noisey (Viceland) –– Instruments of torture.
F*ck, That’s Delicious (Viceland) –– Food porn illness.
88th Academy Awards (ABC) –– White gilt.
Weediquette (Viceland) –– Cream of weed.
The Family (ABC) –– Where the son don’t shine.
Gaycation (Viceland) –– Queer not gonna take it.
Fuller House (Netflix) –– Fuller shit.
Hap and Leonard (Sundance) –– Hapless.
Balls Deep (Viceland) –– Nutsact.
Prey (BBC America) –– That it stops.
Join or Die With Craig Ferguson (HIST) –– Dead talks.
The New Yorker Presents (Amazon) –– Magazine wreck.
Full Frontal (TBS) –– Bee-yatch.
Love (Netflix) –– Hate.
Michael Jackson’s Journey From Motown to Off the Wall (SHO) –– Predator drones.
Vinyl (HBO) –– Glum rock.
Animals (HBO) –– Beastly.
Manson’s Lost Girls (Lifetime) –– Charlie’s a-holes.
Grease Live! (FOX) –– Grease wonky.
American Masters; Mike Nichols (PBS) –– Plugged Nichols.
You, Me and the Apocalypse (NBC) –– End it now.
11.22.63 (Hulu) –– Oswald the rabid.
Occupied (Netflix) –– So you’re just going to have to wait.
Outsiders (WGN America) –– Fringe magnets.
The People v. O.J. Simpson (FX) –– Lots of pulp.
Madoff (ABC) –– Bernie slanders.
Beowulf (Esquire) –– A Grendel time.
O.J.: Made in America (FX) –– Juice cleanse.
Chelsea Does (Netflix) –– Nothing for me.
Lucifer (FOX) –– Hell bent.
Dark Net (SHO) –– Jack web.
Baskets (FX) –– Clash clown.
The Magicians (Syfy) –– Presto lame-o.
DC’s Legends of Tomorrow –- Losers of today.
London Spy (BBC America) –– Odd man outed.
The Circus: Inside the Greatest Political Show on Earth (SHO ) –– Tentative.
War and Peace (Lifetime) –– Tolstory.
The X-Files (FOX) –– Alienation of affection.
Sesame Street (HBO) –– Down for the Count.
Second Chance (Fox) –– Not from me.
Colony (USA) –– Annexed to nothing.
Growing Up Hip Hop (WEtv) –– Bomb rap.
Shades of Blue (NBC) –– Badge shit crazy.
73rd Golden Globe Awards (NBC) –– Ricky tacky-tacky.
The Shannara Chronicles (MTV) –– Schnorrer chronicles.
Killing Fields (Discovery) –– Slay down the law.
Cooper Barrett’s Guide to Surviving Life (FOX) –– Cooper tires.
Superhuman (FOX) –– Awesome powers.
Billions (SHO) –– Idol rich.
Bordertown (FOX) –– Sows of the border.
Angel From Hell (CBS) –– Irk angel.
Adele Live in New York City (NBC) –– Adele roar.
Very Semi-Serious (HBO) –– Gag reflects.
Making a Murderer (Netflix) –– Do in what comes naturally.
Married By Mom and Dad (TLC) –– Deranged marriage.
Jill & Jessa: Counting On (TLC) –– Your credulity.
The Lion Guard: Return of the Roar (Disney Channel ) –– Mane drag.
The Ridiculous 6 (Netflix) –– Injun joke.
F Is for Family (Netflix) –– And Flop.
The Great Christmas Light Fight (ABC) –– String cheese.

A Very Murray Christmas (Netflx) –– Billy Noel.
Michael Bublé’s Christmas in Hollywood (NBC) –– Feh LA LA LA LA.
The Great Holiday Baking Show (ABC) –– Cookie gutter.
Dolly Parton’s Coat of Many Colors (NBC) –– Needs to be let out.
Taraji and Terrence’s White Hot Holidays (FOX) –– Empire of the sung.
Childhood’s End (Syfy) –– Marshy Clarke.
Big in 2015 (VH1) –– Fad to the bone.
The Expanse (Syfy) –– Bad spread.
Telenovela (NBC) –– Emoter mouths.

The Wiz Live! (NBC) –– Pees on down the road.
Real Rob (Netflix) –– On the Schneid.
South of Hell (WEtv) –– Infernal affairs.
Superstore (NBC) –– Sales bitch.
Jim Henson’s Turkey Hollow (Lifetime) –– Suck puppets.
Saints & Strangers (Nat Geo) –– Pilgrim rot.
The Spymasters: CIA in the Crosshairs (SHO) –– Spook ’n’ words.
The Man in the High Castle (Amazon) –– Yeah, Reich!
Chicago Med (CBS) –– Club Med.
The Art of More (Crackle) –– Or Less.

Jessica Jones (Netflix) –– Jessica rabid.
Into the Badlands (AMC) –– Really bad lands.
Donny! (USA) –– Deutsch clogs.
W/Bob & David (Netflix) –– Cross stressor.
Hunting Hitler (HIST) –– Heil and farewell.
Flesh and Bone (Starz) –– Ballet flat.
Agent X (TNT) –– X lacks.
The Leisure Class (HBO) –– Lolling gaggers.
Master of None (Netflix) –– Ansari excuse for a comedy.


Supergirl (CBS) –– Flighty.
Compared to What: The Improbable Journey of Barney Frank (SHO) –– Barney the dinosaur.
Hellavator (GSN) –– Let down.
Ash vs. Evil Dead (Starz) –– Drag Ash.
Gigi Does It (COM) –– Turns your stomach.
Wicked City (ABC) –– Wicked bad.
Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo (HBO) –– Apollo screed.
Oprah Winfrey’s ‘Belief’ (OWN) –– Beyond belief.
Mary Tyler Moore: A Celebration (PBS) –– Moore's the pity.

American Horror Story: Hotel (FX) –– Boo-tique Hotel.
Heroes Reborn (NBC) –– Brand X-Men.
Truth Be Told (NBC) –– Lies low.
The Enfield Haunting (A&E) –– London fog.
Red Oaks (Amazon) –– Jews' bah.
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (CW) –– Boo who?
The Last Kingdom (BBCA) –– Saxon violence.
The Widower (PBS) –– She was lucky.
Dr. Ken (ABC) –– Ken dull.
Benders (IFC) –– Shtick check.
The Daily Show with Trevor Noah (COM) –– Noah way out.
The Grinder (FOX) –– Those are my teeth.
Grandfathered (FOX) –– Miligramps.
The Muppets (ABC) –– Piggy back.
Indian Summers (PBS) –– Indian slumbers.
Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy (Disney XD) –– Nebulous.
Blood & Oil (ABC) –– Texas tea-hee.
Keith Richards Under the Influence (Netflix) –– For a change.
Quantico (ABC) –– EffBI.
Code Black (CBS) –– Medical stiff.
Blindspot (NBC) –– I tawt I taw a purty tat.
Scream Queens (FOX) –– Très shreik.
Limitless (CBS) –– Boredom.
Life in Pieces (CBS) –– Nutty bits.
Minority Report (FOX) –– Minority rapport.
Rosewood (FOX) –– Washed up Doc?
Heroes Reborn (NBC) –– Retrovirile.
The Player (NBC) –– Played out.
Walt Disney (PBS) –– Mickey’s mantle.
The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (CBS) –– Colbertable.
Best Time Ever with Neil Patrick Harris (NBC) –– A number game.
Ferrell Takes the Field (HBO) –– Triumph of the Will.
Moonbeam City (COM) –– Loonier eclipse.
Game Shakers (NICK) –– Delirium tremors.
The Bastard Executioner (FX) –– Kill pill.
Arthur & George (PBS) –– Doyle slick.
Todrick (MTV) –– Re-Todrick.
Hand of God (Amazon) –– Finger feud.

The Carmichael Show (NBC) –– Hokey Carmichael.
Public Morals (TNT) –– Morals bust.
Evocateur (CNN) –– Downey softener.
The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story (Lifetime) –– Bell de snore.
Narcos (Netflix) –– Dopey.
Documentary Now! (IFC) –– Cinema very fey.
Blunt Talk (Starz) –– Stewart little.
Show Me a Hero (HBO) –– Baloney and cheese.
Wags (E!) –– The dog.

Stewarts & Hamiltons (E!) –– Kick the clan.
Sex With Brody (E!) –– DeJennerates.
The Comment Section (E!) –– Thread bare.
Back on Board: Greg Louganis (HBO) –– Pool Q.
Significant Mother (CW) –– Ma humbug.
Fear the Walking Dead (AMC) –– Zombie makeover.
Mr. Robinson (NBC) –– Robinson crude so.
I Am Cait (E!) –– Bruised gender.
Home Free (FOX) –– Construction pooper.
The Jim Gaffigan Show (TV Land) –– D’ohy.
Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! (Syfy) –– Murky fin.
Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll (FX) –– Timidly Leary.
Raiders, Raptors and Rebels: Behind the Magic of ILM (Science Channel) –– Raiders of the lost art.
Impastor (TV Land) –– IPadre.
I Am Jazz (TLC) –– Downbeat.
Tut (Spike) –– Tut tut.
Seven Year Switch (FYI) –– Switch immediately.
One Bad Choice (MTV) –– Switched to this.
The Spoils Before Dying (IFC) –– Spoils before viewing.
Scream (MTV) –– Ice Scream.
Poldark (PBS) –– Heath lecher.
Zoo (CBS) –– Cagey.
Humans (AMC) –– Won’t like this.
Another Period (COM ) –– Bloody awful.
A Deadly Adoption (Lifetime) –– Foster’s resentment.
Mr. Robot (USA) –– Mechanical.
Killjoys (Syfy) –– Kills joy.
What Happened, Miss Simone? (Netflix) –– Ninacompoop.
True Detective: Season 2 (HBO) –– Copper bottom.
Ballers (HBO) –– Sports bros.
Proof (TNT) –– Hard, ever dense.
The Making of the Mob: New York (AMC) –– Gangster wrap.
The Seventies (CNN) –– Ten years laughter.
Dark Matter (Syfy) –– Doesn’t matter.
The Brink (HBO) –– Calamity chain.
Sense8 (Netflix) –– Insense8.
Odd Mom Out (BRV) –– Hausfrowzy.
69th Tony Awards (CBS) –– Broadway joke.
American Genius (Nat Geo) –– ‘Genius.’
UnREAL (Lifetime) –– Rot and REAL.
Stitchers (ABC Family) –– Threadbare.
The Whispers (ABC) –– Mutter nature.
Nightingale (HBO) –– Oy, ‘ello woe!
3AM (SHO) –– The wee-wee small hours.
Between (Netflix) –– Twixt and shout.
The Briefcase (CBS) –– Attaché craze.
Aquarius (NBC) –– Gnarly Manson.
Grace of Monaco (Lifetime) –– Rainier expectations in.
The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe (Lifetime) –– Norma Geez.
Red Nose Day (NBC) –– And it’s not just the coke?
Texas Rising (HIST) –– Lunk star state.
Stockholm, Pennsylvania (Lifetime) –– Abductwork
Big Time in Hollywood, FL (COM) –– Florida gapers.
Bessie (HBO) –– Blues bothers. 
StarTalk (National Geographic) ––Gassy stars.
Lip Synch Battle (Spike) –– Mouthing off.
Grace and Frankie (Netflix) –– Disgrace, frankly.
Kurt Cobain: Montage of Heck (HBO) –– Kurt shilling.
The Driver (Acorn TV) –– Stink shift.
Wayward Pines (Fox) –– Cone heads.
The Casual Vacancy (HBO) –– JK growling.
Dick Cavett’s Vietnam (PBS) –– Nam de guerre.
Queens of Drama (Pop) –– Bores of soap.
Tales of the Grim Sleeper (HBO) –– Grim, no sleeper.
Resident Advisors (Hulu) -- RA dickly.
Daredevil (Netflix) –– Blind as a Batman.
The Messengers (CW) –– IM sorry.
Other Space (Yahoo) –– Experience witlessness.
Banana (Logo) –– Hard-on fast rules.
Cucumber (Logo) –– Flaccid test.
The Comedians (FX) –– Played for lavs.
Make It Pop (NICK) –– Fizz and the tantrums.
Happyish (SHO) –– Saddish.
The Lizzie Borden Chronicles (Lifetime) –– Don’t axe.
Sinatra: All or Nothing at All (HBO) –– The latter.
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (Netflix) –– Kimmy a break.
Wolf Hall (PBS) –– Helluva Cromwell.
The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber (COM) –– Biebs in the woods.
American Odyssey (NBC) –– A dirty trek.
Younger (TV Land) –– In a goon's age.
Weird Loners (FOX) –– Hermit crap.
The Dovekeepers (CBS) –– Coo-coo.
Cancer: The Emperor Of All Maladies (PBS) –– Growths anatomy.
The Last Man on Earth (Fox) –– That's their demo.
The Late Late Show with James Corden (CBS) –– Corden blah.
Neighbors With Benefits (A&E) –– Next whore Neighbors.
iZombie (CW) –– uShitty.
It’s Me, Hilary: The Man Who Drew Eloise (HBO) –– Knight errant.
Barely Famous (VH1) –– Fame who’re?
One Big Happy (NBC) –– Lezzy fare.
Born in the Wild (Lifetime) –– Natural disaster.
Kosher Soul (Lifetime) –– Schwartz and all.
The Royals (E!) –– Flush.
The Returned (A&E) –– To sender.
Dig (USA) –– I don’t.
CSI: Cyber (CBS) –– Cyberplunk.
American Crime (ABC) –– Plea of inanity.
Billy & Billie (DirecTV) –– Billy? They kid.
Battle Creek ((CBS) –– Cereal killers.
Secrets and Lies (ABC) –– Furtive fallacy.
Sex Box (We Tv) –– Square.
Fresh Off the Boat (ABC) –– Confusion say.
The Odd Couple (CBS) –– Rue mates.
SNL 40th Anniversary Special (NBC) –– Lorne clippings.
The Slap (NBC) –– Palm biatch story.
The Jinx: The Life and Deaths of Robert Durst (HBO) –– Durst case scenario.
Allegiance (NBC) –– I dredge Allegiance.
Breaking Greenville (TruTV) –– Fogs news.
Night Will Fall (HBO) –– Side Shoah.
Sons of Liberty (HIST) –– Patridiotic.
The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore (COM) –– Minority gloop.
Backstrom (FOX) –– Low tec.
Better Call Saul (AMC) –– Saul for naught.
Vanity Fair Confidential (ID) –– A true crime.
50 Ways to Kill Your Mother (Discovery Life) –– 10. Produce this and make her watch it.
Man Seeking Woman (FXX) –– Harpy hunting ground.
12 Monkeys (Syfy) –– All with producer credits.
Whitney (Lifetime) –– Houston chronicle.
Empire (FOX) –– Of the scum.
Golden Globes (NBC) –– Hollywood and vain.
Friends to Lovers (BRV) –– Bosom puddies.
Man Seeking Woman (FXX) –– Hunt and pecker.
Eye Candy (MTV) –– Not much to look at.
Togetherness (HBO) –– Wed bull.
Babylon (Sundance) –– Where they babble on.
Child Genius (Lifetime) –– By adult moron.
My Husband’s Not Gay (TLC) –– Pop a hubby.

TOP
TELEVISION 3

Cinema
Television
Television 2
Television 3
Television 4
Television 5
Television 6
Christmas Shows 2016
Theatre
Music
Literature

E. Basil St. Blaise

 

The Kennedy Center Honors (CBS) –– Award of the State.
Agent Carter (ABC) –– Forget Carter.
Hindsight (VH1) –– Behind sight.
Branson Famous (TruTV) –– Missouri loves company.
Mozart in the Jungle (Amazon) –– Orchestral manurers in the dark.
Bye Felicia (VH1) –– Booty tips.
Galavant (ABC) –– Middle Ages spread.
Ascension (Syfy) –– Can’t get it up.
Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce (BRV) –– Bounced chicks.
Marco Polo (Netflix) –– Horde times.
Eaten Alive (Discovery) Bites.
Peter Pan Live! (NBC) –– Panned!
The Librarians (TNT) –– Shelve it.
One Child (Sundance) –– Too many.
Momsters: When Moms Go Bad (Investigation Discovery) –– Maternal damnation.
Mass Extinction: Life at the Brink (Smithsonian Channel) –– Dead end.
The Comeback (HBO) –– Go away!
Jay Leno: The Kennedy Center Mark Twain Prize (PBS) –– Jay dated.
Hello Ladies: The Movie (HBO) –– Merchant services.
State of Play (HBO) –– Teaming with germs.
Worricker (PBS) –– Nighy on impossible.
Dogs of War (A&E) –– Used curs.
The Game (BBC America) –– Game stop!
Godfather of Pittsburgh (A&E) –– Pitt bull.
Marvel, 75 Years: From Pulp to Pop! (ABC) –– Lee genes.
Skyscraper Live With Nik Wallenda (Discovery) –– Wire transfer.
The McCarthys (CBS) –– Comedy of Erse.
Benched (USA) –– Splinters.
Fake Off (truTV) –– F**k off.
MasterChef Junior (Fox) –– Small fries.
Brian and The Boz (ESPN) –– Boz scag.
A Poet in New York (BBC America) –– Dulling Thomas.
House of DVF (E!) –– Diva effed.
Mr. Dynamite: The Rise of James Brown (HBO) –– Brown sucker.
Death Comes to Pemberley (PBS) –– Stone cold skeeve Austen.
Foo Fighters: Sonic Highways (HBO) –– You lose a Foo.
How We Got to Now (PBS) –– Later, dude.
Cristela (ABC) –– Meth.
American Horror Story: Freak Show (FX) –– Harpies bizarre.
Hunted: The War Against Gays in Russia (HBO) –– Vodka and spite.
Constantine (NBC) –– Hell monitor.
Star Wars Rebels (Disney) –– Jedi blue.
Bad Judge (NBC) –– Lacks conviction.
Marry Me (NBC) –– Union specific.
State of Affairs (NBC) –– Sad State of Affairs.
Stalker (CBS) –– Follow the bleeder.
On the Menu (TNT) –– LaGasse bag.
Manhattan Love Story (ABC) –– New York jest.
Selfie ( ABC) –– Abuse.
Happyland (MTV) –– Theme pock.
Peaky Blinders (Netflix) –– Peer pressure.
Mulaney (Fox) –– Comic sans…talent.
How to Get Away With Murder (ABC) –– Shrink rap.
Somebody’s Gotta Do It (CNN) –– Rowe bloat.
Jane the Virgin (CW) –– Purely executed.
The Affair (SHO) –– Tryst action.
The Flash (CW) –– Waste makes haste.
A to Z (NBC) –– Runs the game mutt.
Gracepoint (Fox) –– Disgrace point.
Transparent (Amazon) –– Tranny tracks.
Black-ish (ABC) –– Brack-ish.
Madame Secretary (CBS) –– Téa jerker.
Scorpion (CBS) –– Stin(g)ks.
Forever (ABC) –– Feels longer.
The Mysteries of Laura (NBC) –– Messing persons.
Red Band Society (FOX) –– Coma toast.
Gotham (FOX) –– Bat boy.
Nicky, Ricky, Dicky and Dawn (NICK) –– Just icky.
The Roosevelts: An Intimate History (PBS) –– Franklin dull ’n’ all.
Deliverance Creek (Lifetime) –– Creaks.
The Meredith Vieira Show (Syndicated) –– Vieira wank.
Z Nation (Syfy) –– Grade Z.
Robin Williams Remembered – A Pioneers of Television Special (PBS) –– Mork and windy.
Utopia (FOX) –– Eden rot.
Love Prison (A&E) –– Life behind bahs!
Hand of God (Amazon) –– Manomaniacal.
Hysteria (Amazon) –– Insufficiently worked up.
Candidly Nicole (VH1) –– I don’t give a damn.
Reckless (CBS) –– Wreck. Less.
ABC World News Tonight (ABC) –– Muir's the pity.
Penn & Teller: Fool Us (CW) –– Magical stinking.
The Chair (Starz) –– Wan direction.
My Friends Call Me Johnny (Esquire) –– Johnny dumb lately.
19 Kids and Counting (TLC) –– The food stamps.
Houdini (HIST) –– Escape fear.
Bojack Horseman (Netflix) –– Duh! Whinny!
Breathless (PBS) –– Expiration date.
Happy Valley (Netflix) –– Hell and dale.
Dr. Who (BBC America) –– Who. Nu?
Selfie (ABC) –– Snapshat.
The Intruders (BBC America) –– Keep out!
Extreme Guide to Parenting (BRV) –– Raising hell.
Fat Guys in the Woods (Weather Channel) –– Tree schlumps.
7 Deadly Sins (SHO) –– Mostly sloth.
Katt Williams: Priceless (HBO) –– Katt’s in jabber kids.
Dora and Friends: into the City! (PBS) –– A-Dora-bull!
Working the Engels (NBC) –– Obtuse Engels.
Black Jesus (Cartoon Network) –– Mutha of God.
Legends (TNT) –– Bean there, done that.
The Approval Matrix (Sundance) –– Neo cons.
Garfunkel and Oates (IFC) –– Where are Simon and Hall?
Outlander (Starz) –– Outlandish.
The Knick (CInemax) –– Nackered.
Altman (Epix) –– M*I*S*H*M*A*S*H.
Partners (FX) –– Partners a crime.
The Quest (ABC) –– Squire root.
Agatha Christie’s Poirot (PBS) –– Belgian waffler.
The Honorable Woman (Sundance) –– Lady Gaza.
Sharknado 2! The Second One (Syfy) –– Mucky fins.
Ice Lake Rebels (Animal Planet) –– Frosted fakes.
Escaping Alaska (TLC) –– Nome man’s land.
The Hotwives of Orlando (Hulu) –– Florida panters.
Manhattan (FX) –– Eh? bomb.
The Lottery (Lifetime) –– Chancy.
Married (FX) –– To the mope.
Food Fighters (NBC) –– Phooey Fighters.
Rush (USA) –– Bum Rush.
You’re the Worst (FX) –– Agreed.
Satisfaction (USA) –– Sate elsewhere.
Game of Crowns (BRV) –– Tiaradiddle.
Matador (El Rey) –– Olé shit!
Dating Naked (VH1) –– Balls out.
Seed (CW) –– Cum again?
The Strain (FX) –– Shows.
Extant (CBS) –– Orbit gump.
The Divide (We) –– Breach of doody.
Welcome to Sweden (NBC) –– Fjord expedition.
Leah Remini: It’s All Relative (TLC) –– And she’s no Einstein.
Finding Carter (MTV) –– Chimpy Carter.
Mystery Girls (ABC Family) –– Q and ass.
Taxi Brooklyn (CBS) –– The gift of cab.
CeeLo Green’s The Good Life (TBS) –– CeeLo approval.
Vicious (PBS) –– The queen’s English.
The Leftovers (HBO) –– Looks like meatloaf.
The ‘90s: The Last Great Decade? (Nat Geo) –– Decade dent.
Botched (E!) –– About face.
Young & Hungry (ABC Family) –– Like a tapeworm.
NY Med (ABC) –– Flub Med.
Funniest Wins (TBS) –– Wins Dicks-y.
Rising Star (ABC) –– And gorge.
The Last Ship (TNT) –– Sink hole.
The Escape Artist (PBS) –– Jury springer.
Dominion (Syfy) –– Do’h minion.
2014 Tony Awards (CBS) –– Broadway joke.
Chasing Life (ABC Family) –– Cancer, the crab.
Tyrant (FX) –– Despot scrubber.
Murder in the First (TNT) –– Low-voltage charge.
Escape Club (E!) –– Getaway from me!
Sing Your Face Off (ABC) –– Or: How To Lose Face.
Power (Starz) –– Outage.
Jennifer Falls (TV Land) –– And can’t get up.
Cry Wolfe (Investigation Discovery) –– Howly shit.
Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars (We) –– Obstacle corps.
Ladies of London (BRV) –– Birds of prey.
Undateable (NBC) –– Circa the Alf Era, I'd estimate.
The Wil Wheaton Project (Syfy) –– Wheaton tarrier.
One Night Only: An All-Star Comedy Tribute to Don Rickles (Spike) –– Half sour Rickles.
Crossbones (NBC) –– Blackbored.
Halt and Catch Fire (AMC) –– Ay! BM.
The Normal Heart (HBO) –– Grim weeper.
Labyrinth (CW) –– Maybe I’m mazed.
The World Wars (HIST) –– WW-Why?
Gang Related (FOX) –– Hood stock.
I Wanna Marry Harry (FOX) –– Prince of the shitty.
The Maya Rudolph Show (NBC) –– Ancient Maya.
Penny Dreadful (SHO) –– Plenty dreadful.
Return to Zero (LIFE) –– Absolute Zero.
Riot (FOX) –– Improv-ident.
Rosemary’s Baby (NBC) –– Babelzebub.
24: Live Another Day (FOX) –– Bauer failure.
My Fake Problems (COM) –– David spayed.
Playing House (USA) –– Pram suspect.
Faking It (MTV) –– More or lesbians.
Last Week Tonight (HBO) –– Oliver twisted.
Bad Teacher (CBS) –– Class action zut!
Black Box (ABC) –– Box stop!
Salem (WGN ) –– Witch fulfillment.
Unusually Thicke (TV Guide Network) –– As a bricke.
Years of Living Dangerously (SHO) –– Doomsday crock.
The Address (PBS) –– PO’d box.
Fargo (FX) –– Forgo.
House of Food (MTV) –– Munchie housin’ syndrome.
Prepper Hillbillies (Destination America) –– Prepper gander.

Silicon Valley (HBO) –– Chips and dips.
Turn (AMC) –– It off.
Friends With Better Lives (CBS) –– They don’t watch this.
Surviving Jack (FOX) –– Jack be numbnuts, Jack be dick.
The Story of the Jews (PBS) –– The accidental tsuris.
Your Inner Fish (PBS) –– That’s rotting.
Doll & Em (HBO) –– Ragged Doll.
American Dream Builders (NBC) –– Flimsy construction.
Jim Henson’s Creature Shop Challenge (Syfy) –– Little-missed Muppet.

Crisis (NBC) –– Mismanagement.
The 100 (CW) –– C-.
Chrisley Knows Best (USA) –– Papa bare.
Breaking Boston (A&E) –– Wahl burg.
Resurrection (ABC) –– Raised Hell.
Believe (NBC) –– Blew in the faith.
Save Our Business (TNT) –– Hire calling.
Catch a Contractor (Spike) –– Handy gump.
Cosmos: A SpaceTime Odyssey (FOX) –– Waste of space.
Sirens (USA) –– EMT threat.
The Trip to Bountiful (Lifetime) –– Full of it.
Review (COM) –– I wouldn’t watch it once.
Saint George (FX) –– Broke Lopez.
Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Netflix) –– Extremely familiar.
Those Who Kill (A&E) –– Murder one.
Inside Job (TNT) –– Like a colonoscopy.
86th Academy Awards (ABC) –– Ellen barkin’.
2014 Independent Spirit Awards (IFC) –– Slave masters.
Southern Charm (BRV) –– Charleston chews.
Online Dating Rituals of the American Male (BRV) –– Gad Zoosk!
Mind Games (ABC) –– A hard brain is gonna fall.
The Peoples Couch (BRV) –– Potatoes fritter.
Growing Up Fisher (NBC) –– Anal Fisher.
The Red Road (Sundance) –– Beat Red.
Late Night with Seth Meyers (NBC) –– Seth green.
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (NBC) –– That sinking Fallon.
Farmed and Dangerous (Hulu) –– A tough row to hoe.
Nancy & Tonya (NBC) –– A real knee-capper.
The Beatles: The Night That Changed America — A Grammy Salute (CBS) –– A whored day’s Night.
Jenny McCarthy's Dirty Sexy Funny (Epix) –– None of the above.
Quality Balls – The David Steinberg Story (SHO) –– Cheese Balls.
About a Boy (NBC) –– Kid rot.
The Moaning of Life (Science Channel) –– Moaner lesser.
Flowers in the Attic (Lifetime) –– Blossom dreary.
APB with Troy Dunn (TNT) –– All pointless bulletin.
Fleming: The Man Who Would Be Bond (BBC America) –– Cherry spy.
And the Oscar Goes to… (TCM) –– AMPAS crusade.
100 Days of Summer (BRV) –– Heat trash.
Mixology (ABC) –– Drinky poo.
Star-Crossed (CW) –– Star crust.
Hit Record on TV (Pivot) –– Joseph Gordon, leave it.
Black Sails (Starz) –– Trasher island.
Mitt (Netflix) –– Morman schvantz.
Rake (FOX) –– Roué pall.
Klondike (Discovery) –– Bar.
Hollywood Hillbillies (Reelz) –– Rube morgue.
Broad City (COM) –– Hooterville.
Friday Night Tykes (Esquire) –– Coach class.
Wahlburgers (A&E) –– Mock Wahlberg.
Lizzie Borden Took an Ax (Lifetime) –– Should’ve been to this.
Under the Gunn (Lifetime) –– Make it worse.
True Detective (HBO) –– Low tec.
Baby Daddy (ABC Family) –– Terms of endangerment.
#RichKids of Beverly Hills (E!) –– *SPOILED ALERT*.
Chozen (FX) –– Glum rapper.
Bitten (Syfy) –– Bites, bit.
Looking (HBO) –– Bad.
Rob Dyrdek’s Fantasy Factory (MTV) –– Der Dick.
Helix (Syby) –– Double down.
2014 Golden Globe Awards (NBC) –– SubPoehlar.
The Spoils of Babylon (IFC) –– Epic fail.
The People’s Choice Awards (CBS) –– Eeny meeny minor mo’.
Banshee (Cinemax) –– Screecher feature.
Enlisted (FOX) –– Crock enroll.
Chicago PD (NBC) –– Chi of a full deck.
Killer Women (ABC) –– Ice queens.
My 600-lb. Life (TLC) –– Stuffed animal.
The Middle (ABC) –– Of nowhere.
Burning Love (E!) –– Courting disaster.
Ravenswood (ABC Family) –– Curse of the bimbino.
Intelligence (CBS) –– Lapse.
Ridiculousness (MTV) –– Clips joint.
The Assets (ABC) –– Reflux.
Spiral (Netflix) –– Down.
Being Mary Jane (BET) –– Or just smoking it.
Dance Moms (Lifetime) –– Baby steps.
Blood Sweat and Heels (BRV) –– The tears are for viewers.
Kathy Griffin: Record Breaker (BRV) –– And ball buster.
Sex Sent Me to the ER (TLC) –– The hurt focker.
How Sherlock Changed the World (PBS) –– Holmes invasion.
Buying Naked (TLC) –– Bare market.
Kirstie (TV Land) –– Dead-end Alley.
Rodeo Girls (A&E) –– Riata be a law.
Tequila Sisters (TV Guide Network) –– Slime wedges.
Party On (E!) –– Eek! Ooh! tourism.
Mob City (TNT) –– Collar boners.
The Sound of Music Live! (NBC) –– Nazi camp.
Bonnie & Clyde (A&E) –– Scar-crossed lovers.
Six By Sondheim (HBO) –– Medley sins.
Dude, You’re Screwed (DISC) –– Screwed the douche.
Rick and Morty (Adult Swim) –– Mortyfying.
Brody Stevens: Enjoy It! (COM) –– How?
Alpha House (Amazon) –– Should’ve been beta.
Getting On (HBO) –– My nerves.
J’Aime: Private School Girl (HBO) –– You faux, girl!
Total Divas (E!) –– Divas and butthead.
Ground Floor (TBS) –– Sub-level.
The Pete Holmes Show (TBS) –– Holmes invasion.
@Midnight (COM) –– @ least.
The Returned (IFC) –– Damaged merchandise.
Monster Inside Me (Animal Planet) –– Parasite traffic.
We Are Miracles (HBO) –– High ho Silverman.
Mike Tyson: Undisputed Truth (HBO) –– Dopin' Mike.
Atlantis (BBC America) –– Sinks to high heaven.
The Drama Queen (E!) –– Talentlistness.
Almost Human (FOX) –– Homo ineffectus.
Killing Kennedy (National Geographic Channel) –– A new Lowe.
The Thundermans (NICK) –– Claptrap.
The African Americans: Many Rivers to Cross (PBS) –– Rusty Gates.

TELEVISION 5