Dracula (NBC) –– Plasma TV.
Reign (CW) –– Reign, Reign, go away.
Naked Vegas (Syfy) –– Strip minding.
The Governor’s Wife (A&E) –– Muscle a trophy.
Superheroes: A Never-Ending Battle (PBS) –– Tights ends.
Dancing on the Edge (Starz) –– Abysmal.
Criss Angel BeLIEve (Spike) –– Schmuck and mirrors.
Once Upon a Time in Wonderland (ABC) –– Alice and a lack.
The Tomorrow People (CW) –– So yesterday.

American Horror Story: Coven (FX) –– Coven stuffer.
League of Denial (PBS) –– Butt heads.
The Paradise (PBS) –– Eden rot.
House of Versace (Lifetime) –– Clash warfare.
Muhammad Ali’s Greatest Fight (HBO) –– Ali Ali aksin’ free.
The Originals (CW) –– Dupes.
The Story of Film (TCM) –– Cinema very fey.
Witches of East End (Lifetime) –– Witchy-washy.
The Crazy Ones (CBS) –– Serener Williams.
Sean Saves the World (NBC) –– Sean inanity.
Betrayal (ABC) –– Judas kitsch.
Welcome to the Family (NBC) –– Pig, latino.
Super Fun Night (ABC) –– Gal Friday.
MasterChef Junior (FOX) –– Eat and runt.
Ironside (NBC) –– Lame.
Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (ABC) –– Pansy S.H.I.E.L.D.
Hello Ladies (HBO) –– The Merchant of pennis.
Instant Mom (NICK) –– Just add vodka.
Masters of Sex (SHO) –– Johnson & johnson.
The Book of Manning (ESPN) –– Peyton place.
Fangasm (Syfy) –– Fanny pack.
Hostages (CBS) –– Bound to gag.
Lucky 7 (ABC) –– A whole Lotto nothing.
Rachael vs. Guy: Kids Cook-Off (Food Network) –– Guy’s and dolt’s.
Mom (CBS) –– Mother jonesing.
The 65th Primetime Emmy Awards (CBS) –– Emmy loo Harris.
We Are Men (CBS) –– Did they do a hernia exam?
The Michael J. Fox Show (NBC) –– No great shakes.
The Blacklist (NBC) –– Along came a Spader.
Back in the Game (ABC) –– Wee-wee league.
The Goldbergs (ABC) –– Run a schmuck.
Trophy Wife (ABC) –– Tarnished.
The Queen Latifah Show (CBS Networks) –– Queen and jerk.
Brooklyn Nine-Nine (FOX) –– Nein-nein.
Sleepy Hollow (FOX) –– Sleepy. Hollow.
The Presidents’ Gatekeepers (DIS) –– Staff infections.
Heroes of Cosplay (Syfy) –– The cosplay kids.
The Million Second Quiz (NBC) –– Feels like a million minutes.
Last Tango in Halifax (PBS) –– Old wife’s tail.
Crossfire (CNN) –– Blab rats.
The Arsenio Hall Show (Syndicated) –– Whiff! Whiff!
Derek (Netflix) – Drek.
Dads (FOX) –– Bury the dad.
Hello Ross! (E!) –– B-lisp.
Cold Justice (TNT) –– Frozen hackery.
My Big Fat Revenge (Oxygen) –– Glut check.
Crowd Goes Wild (Fox Sports 1) –– When Rege remembers his name.
The Writer’s Room (Sundance) –– Script to the bone.
Olbermann (ESPN2) –– Throw away the Keith.
The Man With the 132-Pound Scrotum (TLC) –– Just nuts.
Marvel’s Hulk and the Agents of SMASH (Disney) –– SMASHbugger.
Surviving the In-Laws (TLC) –– Relative unease.
The Lady Vanishes (PBS) –– Stragglers on a train.
Low Winter Sun (AMC) –– Dimmer switch.
Eat Drink Love (BRV) –– Toss your cookies.
Porter Ridge (DISC) –– A rube with a view.
Clear History (HBO) –– Erasable you.
Vanessa & Ashley: Inner Circle (E!) –– Of Hell.
Animation Domination Hi-Def (FOX) –– Cel block.
Whose Line Is It Anyway? (CW) –– Improv-ident.
Million Dollar Listing Los Angeles (BRV) –– LA flippers.
Broadchurch (BBC America) –– Butcher boy.
The White Queen (Starz) –– Snore of the Roses.
Kris (Syndication) –– Jenner ration why?
Perception (TNT) –– Schizzy or isn’t he?
Hollywood Game Night (NBC) –– Turkey, mostly.
Debbie Macomber’s Cedar Grove (Hallmark) –– Jury doody.
Teen Beach Movie (Disney) –– Sans castles.
Interior Therapy with Jeff Lewis (BRV) –– Max head room.
Property Envy (BRV) –– Green achers.
Ray Donovan (SHO) –– Liev and let die.
The Bridge (FX) –– Suspension of disbelief.
Get Out Alive with Bear Grylls (NBC) –– Bear minimum.
Drunk History (COM) –– Annal fissures.
Below Deck (Bravo) –– The poop deck.
Camp (NBC) –– Jejune.
Siberia (NBC) –– Winters and losers.
King (Reelz) –– Royal wetting.
Inside Man (CNN) –– Spurlock and load.
Orange Is the New Black (Netflix) –– Orange, you sorry.
Under the Dome (CBS) –– Peasant under glass.
Crossing Lines (NBC) –– Between bad and awful.
Devious Maids (Lifetime) –– Latina fey.
Anna Nicole (Lifetime) –– Jugs head.
Jodi Arias: Dirty little Secret (Lifetime) –– HilArias.
Naked & Afraid (DISC) –– Grim and bear it.
King & Maxwell (TNT) –– Romijn scandals.
The Winner Is… ((NBC) –– A loser.
Whodunnit? (ABC) –– A diarrhetic Great Dane?
The Fall (Netflix) –– Trips over itself.
Pussy Riot: A Punk Prayer (HBO) –– Muffed.
Primeval: New World (Syfy) –– Prehysterical.
Sam & Cat (NICK) –– Teensy wincey.
Race to the Scene (Reelz) –– Race baiting.
The Hero (TNT) –– Crock around The Rock.
Beverly Hills Pawn (Reelz) –– Pawn little rich girl.
Graceland (USA) –– Narc narc joke.
Family SOS (TLC) –– SOSO.
The Fosters (ABC Family) –– Bananas Fosters.
Mistresses (ABC) –– Bimboozled.
Princesses: Long Island (BRV) –– JAP shtick.
Behind the Candelabra (HBO) –– Pianist envy.
Save Me (NBC) –– From this.
Showville (AMC) –– Showville the shit.
Hit the Floor (VH1) –– With your jaw.
Does Someone Have to Go? (FOX) –– The toilet’s down the hall.
Mel Brooks: Make a Noise (PBS) –– Like around the campfire in Blazing Saddles.
Master Chef (FOX) –– Cookie monster.
Family Tree (HBO) –– All bark, no bite.
The Goodwin Games (FOX) –– Play D'oh!
Newlyweds: The First Year (BRV) –– Consummate professionals.
Motive (ABC) –– There isn’t any.
Chef Roblé and Co. (BRV) –– Grating.
Constitution USA (PBS) –– Documental retardation.
Maron (IFC) –– Maronic.
Rogue (DirecTV) –– Rogue cuckoo.
Inside Amy Schumer (COM) –– Chuck Schumer.
Million Dollar Listing New York (BRV) –– Out of luxe.
Don’t be Tardy (BRV) –– Retardy.
The Kandi Factory (BRV) –– Kandi corn.
The Show With Vinny (MTV) –– No Vin situation.
Family Tools (ABC) –– Screws loose.
The Big Brain: Pure Genius (DIS) –– Idiot proof.
Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life (MTV) –– Ke$ha for clunkers.
The King of the Nerds (TBS) –– Dweeb are not amused.
Remember Sunday (ABC) –– Forgo and forget.
An Apology to Elephants (HBO) –– Tusk-tusk!
The Bletchley Circle (PBS) –– Riding on their code tales.
Hemlock Grove (Netflix) –– Poison of interest.
LA Shrinks (BRV) –– In horror.
It’s a Brad Brad World (BRV) –– Brad pit.
What Would Ryan Lochte Do? (E!) –– Grin like an idiot.
All the President’s Men Revisited (Discovery) –– Plumbers’ cracks.
Mary and Martha (HBO) –– Malarious.
Rectify (Sundance) –– In a fix.
Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown (CNN) –– Brains. Balls.
Defiance (Syfy) –– Of logic.
Bet on Your Baby (ABC) –– Tot totes.
Ready For Love (NBC) –– In a rut.
Hannibal (NBC) –– Flesh in the pan.
Da Vinci’s Demons (Starz) –– The Da Vinci Load.
How to Live With Your Parents (For the Rest of Your Life) (ABC) –– Nest echh!
Counting Cars (HIST) –– Autoidiotic stimulation.
Vice (HBO) –– Isn’t gripping.
Orphan Black (BBC America) –– Often blah.
Spies of Warsaw (BBC America) –– Polish jokes.
Mr. Selfridge (PBS) –– Vendor deal goes down.
Barabbas (Reelz) –– Christ crossed.
Fall to Grace (HBO) –– Jim McGrievous.
Big Rich Atlanta (Style) –– Georgia Beetch.
Real World: Portland (MTV) –– Oregon transplants.
Monsters and Mysteries in America (Destination America) –– Fauxlore.
Married to Medicine (BRV) –– For the free penicillin.
The World According to Dick Cheney (SHO) –– A total Dick.
Romeo Killer: The Chris Porco Story (Lifetime) –– Porco chops.
Phil Spector (HBO) –– Meetin’ Spector.
The Dukes of Melrose (BRV) –– Solitary consignment.
Philip Roth: Unmasked (PBS) –– Roth or not?
Welcome to Myrtle Manor (TLC) –– In a clumsy Manor.
Splash (ABC) –– Now flush.
Top of the Lake (Sundance) –– Pond scum.
Bates Motel (A&E) –– Psycho killer.
The Ben Show (COM) –– Ben and jerkies.
Nathan For You (COM) –– Nathan’s unfamous.
The Bible (History) –– Chapter and worse.
Vikings (History) –– Neither Norse.
Red Widow (ABC) –– Commie dearest.
Freakshow (AMC) –– Odd forsaken.
Cult (CW) –– In sect.
Duck Dynasty (A&E) –– Quack addicts.
Boston’s Finest (TNT) –– Cop-ly squares.
Robot Combat League (Syfy) –– Techs’ mechs.
Golden Boy (CBS) –– Goldenrot.
Immortalized (AMC) –– Stuffed to-do.
Parade’s End (HBO) –– March heirs.
Out There (IFC) –– The fart side.
85th Academy Awards (ABC) –– We saw your boob.
Zero Hour (ABC) –– Nil biters.
Monday Mornings (TNT) –– Week sauce.
Second Generation Wayans (BET) –– Wayans and mean.
Newsreaders (Adult Swim) –– Anchor What?
Wild Things With Dominic Monaghan (BBC America) –– Where the Wild Things Are…Boring.
Built (Style) –– To list.
Bering Sea Gold (Discovery) –– Balls Bering.
Kimora: House of Fab (Style) –– Sodom and Kimora.
Cesar Millan’s Leader of the Pack (Nat Geo Wild) –– Alpha crapper, sigh.
Nikki & Sara Live (MTV) –– Nikki knackered.
Belle’s (TV One) –– Palsy.
My Strange Addiction (TLC) –– Disgrace jones.
Beyoncé: Life Is But a Dream (HBO) –– Beyond, say, egomania.
Plastic Wives (TLC) –– A boob job.
The Following (FOX) –– Is a test.
House of Cards (Netflix) –– Nano shuffle.
Spartacus: War of the Damned (Starz) –– Damned wankees.
Do No Harm (NBC) –– To your retina.
The Americans (FX) –– Sleeper agents. Shhh.
RuPaul’s Drag Race (Logo) –– Counterfeit chicks.
The Ultimate Fighter (FX) –– Scrap mettle.
The Taste (ABC) –– Of hooey.
Ripper Street (BBC America) –– Jack be numbskull. Jack be thick.
Legit (FX) –– Ill Legit.
Edge of America (Travel Channel) –– Shtick Edger.
Bad Girls Club (Oxygen) –– Seals.
Continuum (Syfy) –– Loop the loopy.
Cyndi Lauper: She’s So Unusual (WE) –– She flop.
Peter Rose: Hits and Mrs. (TLC) –– Smelling like a Rose. After 9 innings.
Rachael vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-Off (Food Network) –– VIP soup.
Banshee (Cinemax) –– A scream.
The Carrie Diaries (CW) –– Harried Carrie.
Washington Heights (MTV) –– Mutha ‘hood.
Deception (NBC) –– Ineligible deceiver.
Switched at Birth (ABC Family) –– With a baby chimp.
Merlin (Syfy) –– Spells disaster.
Vanderpump Rules (BRV) –– Moaner Lisa.
Buckwild (MTV) –– The revelry hillbillies.
Mobbed (FOX) –– Group ugh.
Storage Wars: New York (A&E) –– Stow jam.
Big Rich Texas (Style) –– Texas tee-hee.
Cheer Perfection (TLC) –– Cheer terror.
1600 Penn (NBC) –– Pig Penn.
Killer Karaoke (truTV) –– Song and dunce.
The Merry In-Laws (Lifetime) –– Marry Christmas.
Christmas with Holly (ABC) –– Holly hunter.
Baby’s First Christmas (Hallmark) –– Little dumber boy.
The Christmas Heart (Hallmark) –– Pa rum pump pump pump.
Peter Rabbit’s Christmas Tales (Nickelodeon) –– Prat, the bunny.
Sin City Rules (TLC) –– Odds and never ends.
Amish Mafia (TLC) –– Hearse and buggy.
Be the Boss (CBS) –– Head cheese.
Crossfire Hurricane (HBO) –– Jagger, little pill.
The Dust Bowl (PBS) –– Beyond the shadow of a drought.
Inventing David Geffen (PBS) –– Geffen records.
Liz and Dick (Lifetime) –– But mostly dick.
Oliver Stone’s Untold History (SHO) –– Untold misery.
Park Avenue: Money, Power & the American Dream (PBS) –– Plutocrat scratch fever.
The Wedding Band (TBS) –– Combo splatter.
Witness (HBO) –– The photog of war.
Malibu County (ABC) –– The Grim Reba.
Catfish: The TV Show (MTV) –– Net zero.
LOL Work (BRV) –– LOLly gag.
Seal Team Six: The Raid on Osama bin Laden (Nat Geo) –– Alottabad.
Moonshiners (DIS) –– Still borin’.
Hunted (CInemax) –– What me quarry?
American Horror Story: Asylum (FX) –– Mad dog.
The Girl (HBO) –– For The Birds.
666 Park Avenue (ABC) –– The lessor of two evils.
(ABC) –– Country wastin’.
Made in Jersey (CBS) –– Along with the other toxic waste.
Scandal (ABC) –– Beyond the pol.
Last Resort (ABC) –– Sub Moroner.
The Neighbors (ABC) –– Hood wanks.
Animal Practice (NBC) –– But doesn’t get better.
Betty White’s Off Their Rockers (NBC) –– Senile virus.
1313 Mockingbird Lane (NBC) –– Munster mash.
Extreme Cheapskates (TLC) –– Soo-ey generous.
Emily Owens M.D. (CW) –– Owens corny.
Beauty and the Beast (CW) –– She Said, He Shed.
Chicago Fire (NBC) –– Standard ignition.
Arrow (CW) –– Not necessarily straight.
The Mindy Project (FOX) –– Dork and Mindy.
Vegas (CBS) –– Loss Vegas.
Secret Princes (TLC) –– Princes phony.
Partners (CBS) –– In slime.
Elementary (CBS) –– Holmesgirl.
64th Annual Emmy Awards (ABC) –– Kimmel and bits.
Ben & Kate (FOX) –– Sister ack!
Hot Set (Syfy) –– Prop prop fizz fizz.
Revolution (NBC) –– Spins its wheels.
Mob Doctor (FOX) –– MD threats.
Breaking Amish (TLC) –– Buggy.
Katie (Syndicated) –– Dud.
The New Normal (NBC) –– Family Gay.
Guys With Kids (NBC) –– Dada dump.
Go On (NBC) –– The rug.
Coma (A&E) –– Must Zzzzz TV.
Crimson Petal and the White (Encore) –– Crimson tired.
Broadway or Bust (PBS) –– Marquee marks.
Get to Work (Sundance) –– Unskilled labor.
Hotel Hell (FOX) –– Don’t check out.
The Week the Women Went (Lifetime) –– In the bushes.
Stars Earn Stripes (NBC) –– Across their bottoms.
Animal Practice (NBC) –– All vet.
Major Crimes (TNT) –– A minor offense.
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo (TLC) –– Little Miss Moonshine.
Copper (BBC America) –– Bottom.
Misfits (Logo) –– Misfires.
Sullivan and Son (TBS) –– Barroom bawl.


Television 2
Television 3
Television 4
Television 5
Television 6
Christmas Shows 2016

E. Basil St. Blaise


Political Animals (USA) –– Pollcats.
American Gypsies (Nat Geo) –– Mutt Romany.
Trust Us With Your Life (ABC) –– Trust buster.
Silicon Valley (BRV) –– Silly con.
Perception (TNT) –– Is nothing.
Brand X With Russell Brand (FX) –– Discount Brand name.
Hollywood Exes (VH1) –– Exes marks the snot.
Hit and Miss (DirecTV) –– Call me male-ish.
Endeavour (PBS) –– To keep your eyes open.
Anger Management (FX) –– Charley whores.
Twenty Twelve (BBC America) –– Olympic goad.
The Newsroom (HBO) –– Anchor sore.
Comedy Bang! Bang! (IFC) –– Fillin’ the blanks.
Snooki & JWoow (MTV) –– Whore they kidding?
Bristol Palin: Life’s a Tripp (Lifetime) –– Bristol bored.
41 (HBO) –– Push pushin’ the Bush.
Dallas (TNT) –– All hate, no cattle.
Thorne (Encore) –– In my side.
The Runaway (Ovation) –– Not far enough.
Saving Hope (NBC) –– Boob Hope.
The Choice (FOX) –– Dumb or dumber.
Push Girls (Sundance) –– Sit it out.
Longmire (A&E) –– Long mired.
Hemingway and Gellhorn ((HBO) –– Hem avoid.
Hatfields & McCoys (HIS) –– A feud, good men.
The Catalina (CW) –– Roach hotel.
Breaking Pointe (CW) –– Pointeless.
Final Offer (Discovery) –– The bidder end.
Men at Work (TBS) –– Nice Work if you can forget it.
The Weight of the Nation (HBO) –– Fats of life.
Veep (HBO) –– Number 2.
Common Law (USA) –– Gloop analysis.
White Heat (BBC America) –– Fizzlin' hot.
My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding (TLC) –– Gypsy kinks.
The Pitch (AMC) –– Pity patter.
Total Blackout (Syfy) –– Duncing in the dark.
Birdsong (PBS) –– Bores tweet.
Girls (HBO) –– Vadgematic.
The L.A. Complex (CW) –– The Herpes Simplex.
Titanic (ABC) –– Shitshape.
NYC 22 (CBS) –– Skidoodoo.
Don’t Trust the B.... in Apartment 23 (ABC) –– B ware.
The Client List (Lifetime) –– John legends.
Best Friends Forever (NBC) –– BFDF.
Scandal (ABC) –– Sheeit.
Touch (FOX) –– Mute points.
Magic City (Starz) –– Miami heap.
The Pauly D Project (MTV) –– Learning to read.
Shahs of Sunset (BRV) –– Sex Farsi.
American Digger (Spike) –– I don’t dig.
Bent (NBC) –– Out of shape.
Missing (ABC) –– Inaction.
Fashion Star (NBC) –– Clothes-minded.
GCB (ABC) –– Christian bile.
Q’Viva! The Chosen (FOX) –– Latin mass confusion.
(NBC) –– Reverie bad things.
84th Annual Academy Awards (ABC) –– Crystal knocked.
It Gets Better (MTV) –– It’s gotta.
Life’s Too Short (HBO) –– Mini pooper.
Key & Peele (COM) –– SADtv.

Comic Men (AMC) –– Pinched nerds.
The River (ABC) –– Swimming poo.
Smash (NBC) –– Shit.
I Just Want My Pants Back (MTV) –– Embare-assed.
Spartacus: Vengeance (Starz) –– They do make us pay.
Unsupervised (FX) –– By anyone with talent.
Fat Chef (Food Network) –– Calorie harper.

Luck (HBO) –– Ugly betting.
Ragin’ Cajuns (DIS) –– Dumbo shrimp.
Remodeled (CW) –– A modelly crew.
Lost Girl (Syfy) –– Don’t get Lost.
Rob (CBS) –– Blow.
The Finder (FOX) –– The loser.
Napoleon Dynamite (FOX) –– Stick figure.
Are You There, Chelsea? (NBC) –– Baggage Handler.
House of Lies (SHO) –– Cheadle twee and Cheadle dumb.
The Firm (NBC) –– Rule of flaw.
Alcatraz (FOX) –– Punk Rock.
Work It (ABC) –– Nib and tuck.
Jane By Design (ABC Family) –– Jane err.
Method to the Madness of Jerry Lewis (Encore) –– Laaa-dy! gaga.
Who’s Still Standing? (NBC) –– Bums away!
T.I. & Tiny: The Family Hustle (VH1) –– Release the crackin'.
Impractical Jokers (TruTV) –– Debit cards.
Weed Wars (DISC) –– Sess pool.
Would You Rather? with Graham Norton (BBC America) –– I’d rather not.
The Layover (Travel Channel) –– Bourdain on the ridiculous.
The Exes (TV Land) –– Chuck mates.
All-American Muslim (TLC) –– Islame.
You Deserve It (ABC) –– Naw, you’re not that bad.
I Hate My Teenage Daughter (FOX) –– But not as much as this show.
Monster In-Laws (A&E) –– Meddle class.
I Do Over (WE) –– I’d do over, too.
The Thick of It (BBC America) –– It’s all in their heads.
Hell on Wheels (AMC) –– Hardy RR.
Rock Center With Brian Williams (NBC) –– Rock stolid.
Allen Gregory (FOX) –– What a prig!
Good Vibes (MTV) –– Surf and turd.
Once Upon a Time (ABC) –– In the worst.
Fashion Hunters (BRV) –– Loaded for bare.
Mad Fashion (BRV) –– Yes, he’s having a fit!
Grimm (NBC) –– Indeed.
American Hoggers (A&E) –– Hog's quash.
The Rosie Show (OWN) –– Rosie the Driveler.
Boss (Starz) –– Humbug!
American Horror Story (ABC) –– A horrorshow.
Last Man Standing (ABC) –– In a pile of poop.
Enlightened (HBO) –– A Dern shame.
Homeland (SHO) –– Terror hoot.
Top Secret Recipe (CMT) –– The cunning little fixins.

Terra Nova (FOX) –– Terrable.
Man Up! (ABC) –– Yours!
Ken Burns’ Prohibition (PBS) –– Against non-drowsy documentaries.
How to Be a Gentleman (CBS) –– Don’t point out that this blows.
Hart of Dixie (CW) –– Hart of bomb.
Suburgatory (ABC) –– Suburban on the rocks.
Pan Am (ABC) –– Fly spec.

The Chew (ABC) –– Nibble ring.
Long Island Medium (TLC) –– LIEek!
Dirty Soap (E!) –– Scum total.
The Nerdist (BBC America) –– On a wimp.
A Gifted Man (CBS) –– Did not write this.
Sweet Genius (Food Network) –– Sugar lump.
Prison Diaries (TLC) –– Raw bars.
Whitney (NBC) –– Whitless.
Prime Suspect (NBC) –– Perp piss.
Person of Interest (CBS) –– To nobody.
Charlie’s Angels (ABC) –– Charlie whores.
The X-Factor (FOX) –– Cowell plop.
Revenge (ABC) –– Do not seek.
Unforgettable (CBS) –– Scrotal recall.
New Girl (FOX) –– Old premise.
The Playboy Club (NBC) –– Bunny flop.
Anderson (WB) –– Stooper.
2 Broke Girls (CBS) –– 1 broken series.
The Secret Circle (CW) –– Of hell.
Free Agents (NBC) –– No one would sign them.
Up All Night (NBC) –– With nightmares of this.
H8R (CW) –– H8 it.
Rise Up (ESPN) –– Like a bad taco.
Ringer (CW) –– Twin geeks.
Bad Dog! (Animal Planet) –– Did you make this?!
The Hour (BBC America) –– News corpse.
Dinosaur Revolution (DISC) –– Lizard Frères.
Most Eligible Dallas (BRV) –– Texas longwhores.
Strike Back (Cinemax) –– Strike out.
Russian Dolls (Lifetime) –– Brighton Beeatch.
Against the Wall (Lifetime) –– To be shot.
Same Name (NBC) –– Lame game.
Awkward (MTV) –– Y’think?
Web Therapy (SHO) –– For spiders only.
Whisker Wars (IFC) –– Shaving gits.
Roseanne’s Nuts (Lifetime) –– Candid Barr.
The O’Neals (OWN) –– Loathe Story.
Alphas (SyFy) –– Dogs.
Torchwood: Miracle Day (Starz) –– Touch wood.
One Man Army (DISC) –– Exposed privates.
Rocco’s Dinner Party (BRV) –– DiSpiriting.
The Electric Barbarellas (MTV) –– Slut machines.
Wilfred (FX) –– A shaggy dog story.
Love in the Wild (NBC) –– Ants in the pants.
Necessary Roughness (USA) –– Like bark toilet paper.
Expedition Impossible (ABC) –– Or unnecessary, at least.
Suits (USA) –– Not me.
Life on a Wire (Discovery) –– Extremely thin.
Falling Skies (TNT) –– Alienation of infections.
Combat Hospital (ABC) –– You'll deserve combat pay.
Happily Divorced (TV Land) –– Bearded lady.
Jon Benjamin Has a Van (COM) –– Benjamin Moron.
Outcasts (BBC America) –– Cast out.
The Protector (LIFE) –– Indefensible.
Teen Wolf (MTV) –– Clawed da pussy.

The World According to Paris (Oxygen) –– Paris cites.
Franklin & Bash (TNT) –– Ordure in the court.
Platinum Hit (BRV) –– Tin pan valley.
Single Ladies (VH1) –– Put a ring through it.
Too Big to Fail (HBO) –– Obviously not.
The Looney Tunes Show (Cartoon Network) –– Bugs me.
South Riding (PBS) –– Off the rails.
Cinema Verite (HBO) –– Loud and not proud.

The Voice (NBC) –– Cheep trills.
Happy Endings (ABC) –– Jerk offs.
Game of Thrones (HBO) –– Throne off course.
The Paul Reiser Show (NBC) –– Oily Reiser.
Upstairs, Downstairs (PBS) –– Retch butler.
Gigolos (SHO) –– Chicken man-whore.
Workaholics (COM) –– Skeeve jobs.
Relapse (A&E) –– High fibber.
The Borgias (SHO) –– Bores ya’.
His Way (HBO) –– Weintraubled.
Pregnant in Heels (BRV) –– Teether totter.
Breaking In (FOX) –– Two.
The Killing (AMC) –– Of time.
Coal (Spike) –– Turkey.
The Kennedys (ReelzChannel) –– Hyenas’ sport.
Borgia (Netflix) –– Excretia Borgia.
Mildred Pierce (HBO) –– Gay Pierce.
Camelot (Starz) –– Knight crawler.
Body of Proof (ABC) –– Corpse of study.
The Pee-wee Herman Show on Broadway (HBO) –– Puerile agony.
America’s Next Great Restaurant (NBC) –– Yanking their chains.
Breakout Kings (A&E) –– Its appeal escapes me.
Secret Millionaire (ABC) –– Loaded like a diaper.
Criminal Minds: Supect Behavior (CBS) –– What you’d suspect.
Taking on Tyson (Animal Planet) –– Don't get him started, he'll chew your ear off.
Shedding for the Wedding (CW) –– Ditching for the hitching.
Thurgood (HBO) –– Marshall law.
The Injustice Files (Investigation Discovery) –– It justice stupid.
Mad Love (CBS) –– Affair to middling.
Mr. Sunshine (ABC) –– Burnout.
83rd Annual Academy Awards (ABC) –– Franco Hathaway of making a fool of himself.
Any Human Heart (PBS) –– Bum ticker.
The Sunset Limited (HBO) –– Visibility.
Traffic Light (FOX) –– Stop!
The Chicago Code (FOX) –– Zip Code.
Kennedys’ Home Movies (TLC) –– Dead Kennedys.
Portlandia (COM) –– Oregon grinder.
Spartacus: Gods of the Arena (Starz) –– Pecs bad boy.
Onion News Network (COM) –– Pooper scoops.
Working Class (CMT) –– Stiffs.
Fairly Legal (USA) –– And lame.
Skins (MTV) –– P.U.berty.
Your Own Show: TV’s Next Star (OWN) –– DisOWN.
Harry’s Law (NBC) –– Jury doody.
Lights Out (FX) –– KOpectate.
Onion Sportsdome (COM) –– ESPeeiN'.
Off the Map (ABC) –– Jungle fevers.
Bob’s Burgers (FOX) –– The Slider House Rules.
Downton Abbey (PBS) –– A comedy of Manors.
The Cape (NBC) –– Of good dope.
Shameless (SHO) –– Yes, the producers are.
Episodes (SHO) –– Of dizziness.
Live to Dance (CBS) –– Bad trips.
Perfect Couples (NBC) –– Prickly pairs.
Million Dollar Money Drop (FOX) –– Looticrous.
Wishful Drinking (HBO) –– Slosh puppy.
Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys (Sundance) –– Who like junk.
Strange Days With Bob Saget (A&E) –– Full louse.
Storage Wars (A&E) –– Pack it in.
Fran Lebowitz in Public Speaking (HBO) –– Sneer sighted.
Glory Daze (TBS) –– School of crock.
Sherlock (PBS) –– Alimentary, my Dear Watson.
Lennon Naked (PBS) –– John, we hardly nude ye.
Sarah Palin’s Alaska (TLC) –– Wasilla puddy.
Moguls & Movie Stars: A History of Hollywood (TCM) –– Hollywood and swine.
The Walking Dead (AMC) –– The plod sickens.
Hollywood Treasure (Syfy) –– Trash collection.
First Life With David Attenborough (DIS) –– ¡Amoeba, Amoeba!
The Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes! (Disney XD) –– Marvel louse.
Tower Prep (Cartoon Network) –– School for the daft.
Luther (BBC America) –– The biggest Luther.

Harry Loves Lisa (TVLand) –– Lip schlock.
School Pride (NBC) –– Classless.
No Ordinary Family (ABC) –– Super drooper.
Law & Order: Los Angeles (NBC) –– West coast offense.
The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret (IFC) –– Culminating in this fuckup.
Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time (COM) –– Wee-wee's playhouse.
Teach: Tony Danza (A&E) –– Danza in the dark.
Mike & Molly (CBS) –– Hot tubs.

The Promise: The Making of Darkness On The Edge of Town (HBO) –– You go, Boss!
The Whole Truth (ABC) –– The hole truth.
Better With You (ABC) –– Worse with me.
Detroit 1-8-7 (ABC) –– Detroit, Mishegoss.
Raising Hope (FOX) –– Despair ribs.
The Defenders (CBS) –– Defender benders.
Chase (NBC) –– Away.
Running Wilde (FOX) –– Not Oscar, exactly.
$#*! My Dad Says –– $#*! the network sells us.
Outsourced (NBC) –– Job Sikhers.

Boardwalk Empire (HBO) — Atlantic seedy.
Outlaw (NBC) — Please do.
Hellcats (CW) — Cheer nonsense.
Nikita (CW) — Laugh femme.
Terriers FX) — Yappy.
Undercovers (NBC) –– Disguise the limit.
My Generation (ABC) –– Aughts to know better.
Blue Bloods (CBS) –– Canned heat.
Lone Star (FOX) –– I’d give it half that.
Hawaii Five-0 (CBS) –– Book ‘em, dumbo.
The Event (NBC) –– Fleastyle.

62nd Primetime Emmy Awards (NBC) — Fallon on hard times.
If God Is Willing and Da Creek Don't Rise (HBO) — Spike leak.
The Spin Crowd (E!) — S'Pin heads.
Big Lake (COM) — Small puddle.
The Big C (SHO) — As in Crap.
18 to Life (CW) — This feels like that sentence.
Rubicon (AMC) — Cross it…off your list.
Plain Jane (CW) — Jane D'oh!
Masterchef (FOX) — Ramsey cluck.
Growing Up Twisted (A&E) — Dweeb Snider.
Breakthrough With Tony Robbins (NBC) — Self-helpless.

Covert Affairs (USA) — Muddling Agency.
The Glades (A&E) — Swamp gas.
Haven (Syfy) — Shelter skelter.
Rizzoli & Isles (TNT) — Isles of Crapi.
Strange Sex (TLC) — Funny boned.
The Pillars of the Earth (Starz) — Unsupportable.
The Client List (Lifetime) — BJ hooker.
Fact or Faked: The Paranormal Files (Syfy) — Fuct.
Work of Art: The Next Great Artist (Bravo) — Magnum dopus.
The Bridge (CBS) — A suspension of disbelief.
Pretty Little Liars (ABC Family) — By deceit of their pants.
Boston Med (ABC) — Works like Thorazine.