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Barrby's Diary

The editors of Trump Beat, the tweener fan mag, have anonymously received the Secret Diary of Barrby, Donald Trump's most ardent admirer, and have decided to publish the following dishy excerpts that begin on Inauguration Day, 2017.

Attorney General Bill Barr as a tween girl in her bedroom crying into a tissue as she looks at her smartphone with Donald Trump’s face angrily tweeting invective. Next to her on the bed is a Trump doll and the walls are plastered with posters of Trump covered in kisses. On the floor is a tossed Diary with the name Barrby on it.

1/21/17 –– I just saw the most incredible Man on TV! He wasn't just Taking the Oath of Office, He was Stealing my Heart. When I heard Him say 'American Carnage' I think I 'became an adult' right then and there. Or, at least, I had to change my underthings. And I could not believe the size of His crowd –– biggest ever! Someday I am going to serve under that Man.

3/23/17 –– I cannot believe how mean those Godless Democrats are to Dreamy Donny. Yes, that is my nickname for my Adonis or should I write ADonis? Anyways, I am so P-O'd at those sore losers who can't accept DD is the most popular Man in America. I used to think George HW Bush was kinda cute, but he was always going on about his 'Constitutional Duty.' Bo-ring! My Angel floats above the law.

5/17/17 –– Now those p**py-heads in Congress have asked that bully Bobby Mueller to try to drive DD away because they are sooo jealous. I know Bobby and he is also big on all that 'Constitutional Duty' stuff –– I call it 'Doody.' He doesn't understand that great men who win landslides (especially against certain b-words) can do whatever they want. Just ask George Washington, Bobby –– he only turned down a crown because it looked gross with his wooden teeth.

11/22/17 –– I read some of Mein Furor's tweets and I could just sense he wasn't happy. Not at all. Darn right it's a WITCH HUNT (with Nancy P as the big, bad Blue Witch!) And a HOAX. In my prayers tonight I'm going to ask God to bless and protect My Savior because he must see how much he's like his own Son. Does God ever wonder if he might've created another perfect child in 1946 and forgot about it? He is kind of old. Sorry, God, but even Ronald Reagan got forgetful. Oh, and I'm going to ask him to condemn those mean girls in The Squad to Hell!

6/16/18 –– I couldn't take it anymore so I wrote a big, beautiful (DD loves that word) fan letter explaining that the Founding Fathers really wanted Presidents to do whatever it is they pleased so long as they know it was best for the country which, OF COURSE, means best for them.

11/6/18 –– HE HAD IT READ TO HIM!!! He finally knows I exist! I'm feeling funny rumblings in my tummy.

12/7/18 –– OMG, OMG, OMG!!! He asked me to join him in Washington and I might even get to visit Him at Xanadu (what I call Mar-a-Lago). Oh, but look at me, I'm so fat and nothing fits! What am I saying? My Orange Crush will accept and love me for WHO I AM!

2/15/19 –– This is the Best Job Ever! I feel like Perry Mason personally hired to defend a Saint who the real bad guys keep saying is a lying, cheating, traitorous, c***-grabbing Devil. I am so happy to be the Sword and Shield protecting the fairest leader since Andrew Jackson. History will never forget Him. Or me!

4/24/19 –– I saw the terrible things Bobby Mueller wrote about DD and my heart sank. So I decided to write a 'book report' that left out all that nasty stuff about the Russians. His Majesty told me he never even heard of Russia and that those were maids in that Moscow hotel who misunderstood when he asked for a chocolate on his pillow and made pee-pee a little trying to squeeze out a Kiss. Anyways I got up in front of everybody and read my 'book report' and there wasn't a dry eye in the House.

Afterwards DD said something that was so special I would never ever write it down in a million years. BLUSH!

5/1/19 –– Bobby Mueller, who seems to be even more forgetful than Ronald Reagan these days, could not even defend his lies in front of the liars in Congress. When I got in front of that bunch who are no better than the killers and rapists from South of the Border I zipped my lips, but they didn't know I was wearing a MAGA IUD just in case.

2/5/20 –– It is the BEST Day in American History! Il Doozy has been completely not totally impeached and exonerated of all wrongdoing forever. I never like to say anything not nice about fellow Republicans, but I hate Hate HATE Mitt Romney and all the people in his Cult including Tom Cruise.

Afterwards My Grateful Leader showed me there is a secret sound-proof bedroom in the WH bunker. I was sore later, but extremely proud.

4/13/20 –– It's not that I don't love DD as much if not more than ever. Or that I don't think He deserves a place on Mount Rushmore AND a separate bust sculpted from the summit of Mount Rainier. And it's not that I don't think He and his amazing children shouldn't have their faces on U.S. currency –– would you rather look at Ivanka or Harriet Tubman on a $20 bill? And it's not that I'm complaining about getting up at 3 am to answer the phone and share what gossip I might've heard about Hunter Biden. I know it's 100% my fault, but, BOY, is He needy.

10/24/20 –– I'm pretty darn sure Hunter is a ratfink just like He Who Must Be Obeyed always said. I know He would love to hear me tell everybody before the election, but can I completely ignore MY "Constitutional Doody"? Rats! Besides, DD doesn't need my help –– everybody loves Him as much as I do! He'll win another landslide and I'll get to serve him hand and foot for 4 more years! Every day. Every night. 24/7. OH, JOY!

11/7/20 –– It is the WORST Day in American History! He LOST! I can't believe how mean people can be. I'd try to cheer up DD and say, "Your record is all the more historic because you accomplished it in the face of relentless, implacable resistance. Few could have weathered these attacks, much less forge ahead with a positive program for the country." Hey, that's good, I should remember it just in case I have to go home early.

11/28/20 –– HE HATES ME!! What did I do? What did I say? Just because I didn't agree with My Commander and Cheat that everyone in the Whole Wide World was lying?! MY LIFE IS OVER!!!

12/7/20 –– He won't call. He won't bellow to me from the other room. When I try to socially undistance at crowded Xmas parties He pulls away. He actually put ON a mask when I tried to enter the Oval Office. I now know how it feels to be treated like Low-IQ Maxine Waters. Not great. SOB!

12/14/20 –– It's over. I am so sad that even all the last minute executions I ordered can't make it better. DD sent a letter over for me to sign –– I bet Stephen Miller got to write it! But it did include my abject words that I believe History will remember. It was His idea to say I needed to leave early to spend more time with my family at Christmas. I'm grateful He refrained from publicly telling the joke about how He'd like to see me try to squeeze down a chimney this time of the year and didn't refer to me as 'that tub of lard' or 'Mr. Toad' as He was fond of doing in private.

I will totally miss that big, soft tushy that surprisingly smelled more of Toll House cookies than beef when your lips touched it. And how He called it paying 'the Barr Bill' when he had to listen to me explain Federal law (like he was listening, the rascal.) And the growls, grunts and barks that let you know He was thinking of you. What I wouldn't do for one more demeaning nickname from Dreamy Donny.

There will never be another like Him, but I keep checking the Twitter feeds of Strongmen around the globe and hoping.

12/18/20