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G7 Whiz
Week of 06/11/21

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Spoof with Joe Biden, thumb aflame, and Boris Johnson as silent screen comics Laurel and Hardy.Biden, Boris Johnson release updated Atlantic Charter after first meeting
–– Saps at sea.

Kamala Harris is in a really tough spot
–– And being Veep is usually breeze.

Is there a special relationship building between Biden and Boris? Or not?
–– Yes, obviously!

Biden likely to come out of Putin summit empty-handed and risks handing the Kremlin a victory, former US officials warn
–– Putin sure to come out empty-headed.

In NBC interview, Putin says he can work with Biden
–– If he’d only put hit on couple of political enemies.

Russian media mocks Louis Gohmert’s comments about altering the orbit of the moon
–– Then praises Putin as greatest humanitarian since Mother Teresa.

Jill Biden Hailed As 'Queen Of Shade' For Perceived Diss Of Melania
–– Are we ‘Kings of Shade’ for pointing out those who ‘perceived’ this are idiots?

Michael Cohen says DOJ acted like 'mafia' under the 'corrupt arm of the Trump administration' after the revelation it secretly obtained data from Democratic lawmakers
–– Corrupt limb all withered, cankered in a sling.

America's global image under Biden skyrockets compared to Trump, survey finds
–– Now that world can take surveys after 4-year knee to groin.

Sen. Capito says Biden ended infrastructure negotiations after GOP rejecting counter, as White House says they are looking at other options
–– Kaputo.

Kamala Harris Tells Migrants ‘Do Not Come’ To U.S. Border In Guatemala Speech
–– And once there, do not come on it.

Biden allocates additional $46 million to "unexpected urgent" migration needs
–– Like speechwriters for Kamala.

Texas governor vows to build Mexico border wall and increase arrests of migrants
–– And make Trump supporters pay for it.

Justice Dept. watchdog to probe Trump-era leak investigations, including secret subpoenas for data from Congress, journalists
–– Snoopy and the Red Barron.

Joe Biden White House Says It Wasn’t Informed About Justice Department Move That Could Lead To Dismissal Of Defamation Case Against Donald Trump
–– Honest to a fault?

Garland announces expansion of Justice Department’s voting rights unit, vowing to scrutinize GOP-backed voting restrictions and ballot reviews
–– The Poll Cats!

Justice Dept. watchdog to probe Trump-era leak investigations, including secret subpoenas for records from Congress and journalists
–– Incontinental drift.

Trump Angrily Called Biden A ‘Mental Retard’ While Trailing In Polls, Report Says
–– Mentally challenged him.

Michael Cohen says DOJ acted like 'mafia' under the 'corrupt arm of the Trump administration' after the revelation it secretly obtained data from Democratic lawmakers
–– Our voice of conscience?

Caitlyn Jenner Refuses To Say Whether Donald Trump Lost 2020 Election
–– Won't provide trans substantiation.

California’s assault weapons ban overturned as federal judge compares AR-15 to a Swiss Army knife
–– With spade attachment to dig graves?

Judge Who Nixed California Assault Weapons Ban Is a Second Amendment Champion
–– Sorta Judge Shooty.

New Audio Shows Aggressive Giuliani Trying To Pressure Ukraine For Biden Investigation
–– We see with our ears?

Did Donald Trump Wear His Pants Backwards? Kris Kross Memes Have Already Begun
–– Of course not. Twitter perpetually has fly open.

Trump's Official Portrait Is Still in Its Early Stages After Smithsonian Said It Was 'Pursuing' Artists
–– Who run away when they suggest project to them.

Trump’s 'ironic' rally soundtrack stuns Keilar and Berman
–– When flung iPhone playing My Way caroms off heads.

Jared Kushner reportedly wants 'a simpler relationship' with Trump and has 'mostly dropped out' of orbit of ex-campaign advisors: NYT
–– Was already communicating with him in single syllables.

Longtime Trump aide Jason Miller leaving role to lead tech company that could become a new Trump platform
–– Fakebook.

Stormy Daniels says she would 'love' to testify against Trump and is ready to tell Manhattan prosecutors 'everything I know'
–– Blow case wide open.

Mike and Karen Pence bought a $1.9 million 7-bedroom home in a ritzy Indiana neighborhood
–– From 'Jumbo Shrimp' file.

FBI director berated for Jan. 6 failures, Giuliani probe
–– Wray's the Devil?

Obama criticizes GOP's embrace of 'unrecognizable' and 'unacceptable' ideas about democracy
–– Strew vote.

Obama says he never thought 'dark spirits' would take over the Republican Party: 'We have to worry'
–– Might take the Exorcist.

New York state assembly passes bill that would create gender-neutral marker on state identification
–– License to shrill.

N.Y.C. Candidate Brings Reporters Into His Bedroom After Suggestion That He Actually Lives in N.J.
–– Slam Adams.

Queen Elizabeth II's portrait pulled from Oxford college, new uproar ensues over 'cancel culture'
–– The Queen's dammit.

‘That's families for you.' Prince Edward discusses the Sussexes, the bereaved Queen and his father's legacy
–– Or so he reads in tabloids.

Free speech dilemma as poll suggests youngsters are less opposed than older people to 'no platforming' speakers at universities
–– Can't count to First Amendment.

Omar Is Forced To Clarify After Democrats Say She Equated U.S., Israel With Terrorists
–– Or retweeted what she wrote.

Israel’s security issues rare warning over Jan. 6-style mob violence ahead of Netanyahu departure
–– The whole MAGAilla.

Naftali Bennett: The tech millionaire son of Berkeley 'left-wingers' who is poised to take over from Israel's Benjamin Netanyahu
–– Bibi-minus.

Naftali Bennett, Next Israeli PM: The Man Behind the Slogans and Stereotypes
–– And under the yarmulke.

Master And Commander prequel in the works for uncultured children who didn't appreciate first movie
–– Whatever floats your bloat.

‘Game of Thrones’ Prequel ‘House of the Dragon’ Is ‘Looking Spectacular,’ HBO Chief Says
–– Huh, sure he would say it sucked.

Liam Neeson dispels rumors of an Obi-Wan Kenobi series role: 'I haven't been approached'
–– Jinn rummy.

Joaquin Phoenix won't 'force' his son to be vegan but isn't 'going to indoctrinate him with the idea that McDonald’s have a Happy Meal'
–– Or it conjugates as if it’s plural.

‘The Amusement Park’ Review: George A. Romero Releases One Last Classic From Beyond the Grave
— DOA at boxoffice.

Why Matthew Rhys Chose Not to Watch Original ‘Perry Mason’ Before Starring in Series
–– Didn’t want Burr under saddle.

Emilia Clarke’s Debut Comic Book Follows a Single Mom Whose Secret Weapon Is Her Period
–– Sounds bloody silly.

Mischa Barton says her ‘The O.C.’ role made her ‘feel pressured’ to lose virginity
–– Not get acting lessons?

Miley Cyrus says body shaming after 2013 VMAs ‘scarred' her
–– Entire career picking at scab since.

Sinéad O’Connor Says She’s Retiring From Touring And Recording
–– Even she may not notice.

Rob Zombie Confirms He’s Directing a Reboot of ‘The Munsters’
–– Look forward to Grandpa sodomizing, decapitating little Eddie.

Elizabeth Olsen Says WandaVision Won't Have a Second Season: 'It Is a Limited Series'
–– Extremely limited.

Late Show Series Finale: Stephen Says Farewell To The Storage Closet
–– On mop-up duty.

Mike Myers is starring as 7 different characters in an Illuminati-like secret society comedy
–– Another shot at Sellers dweller.

Kevin Nealon reveals necklace with Garry Shandling's ashes was stolen from his home
–– Admits he sold 100s of same with BBQ ashes in them.

Tyler Perry Is Bringing Madea to Netflix for 12th Film, ‘A Madea Homecoming’
–– Because Netflix not enough of sludge pit of ‘original programming.’

Indiana Jones Is Back! Harrison Ford Suits Up in Iconic Costume in Set Photo from Fifth Movie
–– Signature whip replaced with lubricated catheter.

‘Swordfish’ at 20: Here's the story behind Halle Berry's $500,000 nude scene in the 2001 action hit
–– Value, in today’s dollars: $50.

Raiders of the Lost Ark' at 40: M. Night Shyamalan, Zack Snyder, J.J. Abrams and more pay tribute to Indiana Jones's first adventure
–– And make you reconsider quality if this is who it influenced.

‘Clash of the Titans' at 40: Harry Hamlin reveals the story behind his on-set romance with Ursula Andress
–– Undress the issue.

‘Loki’: Tom Hiddleston described the 'slo-mo acting' trick he used to make his face ripple after getting hit
–– How slow did brain have to be to recite that dialogue?

Kevin Bacon to Play Villain in ‘Toxic Avenger’ Reboot Opposite Peter Dinklage
–– Troma aroma in coma.

Shirley Manson on Garbage's fierce new protest album: 'If they ever kill me for anything that I ever say, just know I lived in truth'
–– Kill you ? After they stop chuckling?

How to Rid Your Car of Spiders, Mice, Ants, and Other Pests
–– Play Garbage on stereo.

Rachel Lindsay Reacts To Chris Harrison Leaving The ‘Bachelor’ Franchise For Good
–– Managed more than a shrug?

Katt Williams Challenges Existence Of Cancel Culture, Says “Cancellation Doesn’t Have Its Own Culture”
–– Then bids good riddance to those cancelled.

Alyssa Milano embraces her body hair in stunning photo: 'Armpit hair, don’t care'
–– If you’re stunned must’ve been semi-comatose to begin with.

Camila Cabello's bikini pics praised by fans for showing 'what normal bodies look like'
–– She must be overjoyed.

Salma Hayek Once Thought Being Called a Bombshell in a Review Meant She "Destroyed the Movie”
–– How Cuchi Cuchi!

Alicia Silverstone lets us know we've been saying her name wrong this whole time
–– Not ‘what’s her name’?

Helen Hunt says her idea for a 'Twister' sequel featuring 'all Black and brown storm chasers' was rejected
–– Sounds like shit storm.

Jennifer Lopez appears to be wearing Ben Affleck's shirt
–– We refuse to verify, but consider it news.

Jennifer Lopez dazzles while posing with police officers in Miami
–– Billy clubs at attention.

YouTuber Corinna Kopf, a former member of David Dobrik's Vlog Squad, says minors are leaking her OnlyFans photos
–– Dumm Kopf.

TikTok removes a graphic video depicting a girl's beheading after users said they were 'traumatized' by the footage
–– Dump kopf.

Who to look out for as movies make their comeback
–– Chattering slob who digs into tub of popcorn as opening credits roll.

Emmys: Where Does Film End and TV Begin?
–– Is it all just one endless Möbius strip of mediocrity?

Jeffrey Toobin is back at CNN eight months after exposing himself on Zoom
–– No one offers to shake hand.

Roger Federer Pulls Out of French Open
–– We’re sure he couldn’t face another one of those awful press conferences…oh, bad knees?

Yankees ace Gerrit Cole doesn't deny doctoring balls with Spider Tack: 'I don't quite know how to answer that'
–– Honesty not an option?

Bill Gates' affairs were an open secret, and someone in Melinda's inner circle hired a private investigator before she filed for divorce, report says
–– Peeking through Windows.

Judy Blume Pens Emotional Essay About Husband's Pancreatic Cancer: 'There Were Plenty of Ups and Downs'
–– What an extraordinarily…um, emotional observation.

2021 Pulitzer Prize winners include books reckoning with Black history and representation
–– Such esoteric topics this year.

Florida man paid bum $100 to attack girlfriend, visited her in hospital, police say
–– Bum or girlfriend?

Nun admits to stealing over $835,000 from her school to help finance gambling habit, feds say
–– Gambing habit has sewn-in digital counter, wimple with mini-cam and concealed ear piece, cards up sleeve.

Airlines have seen an unprecedented rise in disruptive passengers. Experts say it could get worse.
–– Half-assed conjecture what make them experts.

Security experts break down exactly why you shouldn't share your passwords: 'It's really dangerous’
–– Then explain why it’s unwise to floss with mini circular saw.

LEGO gets nostalgic with 2,000-piece classic typewriter -- complete with moving keys and carriage
–– For that special OCD case in your life.

Lobster Diver Swallowed By Humpback Has A Whale Of A Tale To Tell
–– Jonah sulk.

Arby's employee fired for homophobic slur on couple's receipt
–– We have the beefs!

Beech-Nut to stop selling baby rice cereal after finding high arsenic levels
–– Still marketing ricin cereal.

TikTok is stunned by this toilet seat deep-cleaning hack: ‘Omg I’ve been doing this the hard way all along!’
–– Still trying to get tongue disinfected.

Son About To Be Financially Cut Off By Parents Kills Them With Help From 'Lady Macbeth' Girlfriend
–– How about dog? Was it ‘out, out, damn Spot?’

China's New Anti-Foreign Sanctions Law Sends A Chill Through The Business Community
–– Which is cool with every human rights abuse PRC perpetrates.

Herd of elephants in China have captivated the world. What we know about their journey.
–– Didn’t realize we were captivated, but sure…

Deep-sea shark bonanza seen off remote island chain
–– Cartwright atoll.

Man looking for shark teeth in a Florida river survives an alligator bite to his head
–– Still, teeth, right?

Florida man told to abandon his shoes after dozens of bugs move in
–– Really shouldn’t have been living in shoes to begin with.

As Brood X Numbers Grow, Cicadas Interfere With Cars, Planes and Radar
–– Yes, we're going to keep insisting this is thing even if we have to plant bugs on Manu Raju, Joe Biden.

QAnon supporters say a cicada landing on Joe Biden’s neck is proof their plan is working
–– Maybe we blamed wrong cultists.

Melting Glacier in Norway Reveals Remnants of Centuries-Old Beeswax Candle
–– Can’t they mind own beeswax?

This 35,000-Year-Old Skull Could Be the First Evidence of Humans Hunting Small Cave Bears
–– Or very early draft of Jean Auel novel.

Giant 23-foot-long anaconda startles tourists swimming in river
–– Boys and coils.

Cat’s impressive boxing skills give “Mayweather a run for his money”
–– If Mayweather was cat or this writer wasn’t dog.

Appalachia's wild rat is mysteriously disappearing—but the pandemic offered hope
–– Seen at fewer and fewer parties.

Viking-Era Relatives Who Died on Opposite Sides of the Sea Reunited at Last
–– Valhalla back girl.

New York Times Accidentally Publishes Mock Article About Watermelons On Mars
–– Was the pits.

Here's What My 87-Year-Old Dad's Voracious Sex Life Made Me Realize About Myself
–– Can’t decide which of his dicks we care less about.

Ex-employees accuse BrewDog of creating a 'culture of fear’
–– Whole latte intimidation.

Nebraska man sentenced to death for strangling, dismembering Tinder date in evil group sex fantasy
–– Sounds more like fact.

Body of man suspected of blowing up three Pennsylvania homes found under rubble
–– With remains of gopher he was trying to eliminate.

French President Emmanuel Macron slapped in the face while visiting small town
–– Duel with rapiers at dawn on Champs-Élysées.

France is sending a second Statue of Liberty to the US
–– Mini-moi.

Kim Jong Un appears to have lost some weight — and that could have geopolitical consequences
–– Down to one roast peasant a day.

Mitt Romney: It's unacceptable Microsoft censored Tiananmen Square images in America
–– They tank, man.

Young Chinese take a stand against pressures of modern life — by lying down
–– Like U.S., they have selves own greatest generation.

Star-Studded Vincent Chin Podcast Pulled After Chin Estate Pushback
–– Cleft Chin.

Trump and his allies try to rewrite, distort history of pandemic whiles casting Fauci as public enemy No. 1
–– Tony ‘the Vax’.

The media called the ‘lab leak’ story a ‘conspiracy theory.’ Now it’s prompted corrections — and serious new reporting.
–– See not every single effin' thing Pompeo said was BS.

2019 video shows scientists from the Wuhan CDC collecting samples in bat caves - but the agency hasn't revealed any findings
–– Guano make you sweat.

31,000 Prisoners Sought Compassionate Release During COVID-19. The Bureau of Prisons Approved 36.
–– Hold on! Guilty inmates tried to squirm out of sentences and officials didn’t let them?

China likens lab leak momentum to U.S. "hyping up" weapons of mass destruction ahead of Iraq War
–– Yeah, remember how Sadam made up bullshit story about bats carrying bombs?

Actor Ernie Lively, Blake Lively’s Father, Has Died at 74
–– Lively no more.

Claudia Barrett, 'Robot Monster' femme fatale, dead at 91
–– And will, in arms of alien gorilla wearing diving helmet with antennae, haunt our nightmares forever.