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Chinese: Whatta Torture
Week of 06/04/21

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Dr. Fauci holding a coronavirus in his hand as he testifies with an inset blow-up of a Trademark label from the virus that reads Made in China.Fauci Email Bolsters the Lab-Leak Theory
–– Pisses on Wuhan Food Market misdirect.

Biden to speak again with Republican Senator Capito on Friday on infrastructure
–– Non ho Capito.

‘Democracy itself is in peril:' Biden delivers warning while honoring fallen service members on Memorial Day
–– Meanwhile, Republicans propose internment camp for it.

Joe Biden once said "God save the Queen' in Congress
–– On Lindsay Graham's birthday?

Biden privately tells lawmakers not to expect much on reparations legislation
–– Payback's a botch.

Despite his predictions, Trump won't simply be reinstated as president
–– Not even of Palm Beach Rotary Club.

Trump advisors say the former president is so obsessed with fighting the 2020 election that telling him he lost is like 'p------ into the wind'
–– While ‘p------ onto the 'win’'?

Trump shuts down his blog after less than a month
–- He abandoned when aides convinced him not to post nude selfies.

‘A Defining Historical Moment': Raphael Warnock On The GOP's Blockade Of Jan. 6 Commission
–– The definition: Treason /ˈtrēzən/ noun • the crime of betraying one's country, especially by attempting to kill the sovereign or overthrow the government.

DC officer Michael Fanone, who was attacked at the Capitol riot, says he was 'absolutely sickened' by Mitch McConnell's efforts to quash the Jan. 6 commission
–– Mitch demeanor offense.

Putin tries to amplify GOP efforts to whitewash the deadly Capitol attack, saying the insurrectionists weren't 'just a crowd of robbers and rioters'
–– Much, much worse.

Rep. Gerry Connolly Calls On Biden To Create Jan. 6 Commission After 'Cowardly' GOP Vote
–– Cowardly, lyin’.

Eric Swalwell says he's hired a private investigator to find Mo Brooks and serve lawsuit
–– Ellery Q-Anon.

Tampa man pleads guilty to felony in Jan. 6 Capitol riot; his recommended prison sentence could set bar for other cases
–– Beyond a treasonable doubt.

Florida opera singer criminally charged for role in Jan. 6 Capitol riot
–– Phony soprano.

DOJ investigating Trump-appointed Postmaster General Louis DeJoy
––– Stamp out crime!

Secret Service Spending $34,000 on Fancy Porta Potties in Bedminster This Summer
–– Why can't they just use sand traps like cats?

Hat Shop That Sold Anti-Vaxx Nazi Star Patches Also Posted From Capitol Riots
–– Flipped their lids?

Iconic Texas hatmaker Stetson cuts ties with Nashville store after it offered 'not vaccinated' Star of David badges
–– 10 gallon hate.

CNN’s Jake Tapper Calls Out Colleague Chris Cuomo: “He Put Us In A Bad Spot”
–– Is he his brother’s creeper?

Chris Cuomo and Ted Cruz traded jabs over who should be controlling women's bodies
–– Cruz illustrated on his blow-up doll, Conchita.

Fox News’ Chris Wallace Dismisses Jake Tapper’s ‘Moral Posturing’ in Rejecting GOP Guests Who Spout Election Lies
–– Bemoans 'Journalistic Standards', 'Professional Ethics', Commonsense.'

Former Trump advisor Michael Flynn said the US should have a coup like Myanmar, where the military overthrew the democratically elected government
–– Burma, Baby, Burn!

“And Slippers!”: Rudy Giuliani Gets Skewered For MyPillow Spot, But Politicians Have A History Of Hawking Products
–– Is Rudy really a politician at this point?

Mike Lindell claims he’s “100 percent” certain China rigged 2020 election
–– Also believes his pillows feel better than cheap foam crap made in China.

McEnany: Women in Biden admin get 'glowing' profiles after 'hit pieces' for female Trump officials
–– 'Glowing'? Press lit you up pretty good, Kayleigh.

Obama Made Dark Joke That Trump's Support with Whites Was Like How Some Black People Felt About O.J.: Book
–– If the love doesn't fit, you must've quit.

Nikki Haley called VP Kamala Harris 'unprofessional and unfit' for telling people to 'enjoy the long weekend'
–– Haley bop comment.

Experts Believe Prosecutors Are Mulling 'Little RICO' Mob Law Against Trump Org: Report
–– Poco RICO?

Former NYPD Commissioner Bill Bratton says he 'can't understand' how Rudy Giuliani became 'subsumed by Trump'
–– Like whale swallowing remora.

‘Kneel Before Trump’: George P. Bush Mocked For 'Selling Out His Own Family'
–– ‘And put a lip-lock on ‘Don Jr.’’

Andrew Yang Driven Out of Campaign Event by Protesters
–– If only a cartoonist drew scene so he could scream ‘racist caricature!’

The Anthony Bourdain Documentary Trailer Just Dropped And 'There’s No Happy Ending'
–– Not even for his enemies?

Tony Hale says he and Jessica Walter were on good terms before her passing: 'I love Jessica very much'
–– We were just about to ask how VEEP second banana really felt about Arrested Development dead second banana.

As Pride Month kicks off, New York lesbian bars emerge from pandemic woes
–– Come out?

The Butt Crack Leggings That Broke the Internet Are on Sale Now Ahead of Prime Day
–– And they’ve not been washed.

I’m 21 and live in a 72-square-foot NYC apartment that costs $1,345 a month. Here's what a day in my life looks like.
–– Yes, you can view on your iPhone Mini.

Miami Police Chief Slams Texas Bill That Would Allow Unlicensed Carrying Of Handguns
–– Plastic 007 badges gun manufacturers to include doesn't make any happier.

Miami police chief warns of "long, hot bloody summer" as crime rates in cities rise 24 percent
–– Miami Heat vs. Pistols.

The Second Amendment is not about guns -- it's about anti-Blackness, a new book argues
–– Because isn’t everything?

A man accused of killing an iguana wanted the charge dismissed based on stand your ground law. A judge said no
–– Might try drain your lizard defense.

A 12-year-old boy and 14-year-old girl broke into a home, found weapons and opened fire on deputies, sheriff says
–– Yes, Florida, but still.

Florida dad hurls infant at officers in getaway attempt after high-speed chase
–– In tyke one d'oh! move.

She lost her wallet in 1975 at the movies. More than 4 decades later, it was finally returned thanks to 'good people.'
–– Who invested $55 they took in Apple Computer next year, are now millionaires.

These people want to get back to work but can't -- and fear losing $300-a-week benefits will spell financial disaster
––– Lose, wean or draw.

Bill Maher slams celebrities Jenner, McConaughey as having 'malignant narcissism' for seeking jump into politics
–– The ego has landed.

With Few Eligible Nominees, How Emmy Voters Can Prevent a Disaster in the Comedy Categories
–– Funnily enough, can’t.

‘Thor: Love And Thunder’ Wraps As Chris Hemsworth Celebrates “National Don’t Flex Day”
–– Curling irony.

Filmmaker Craig Gillespie on ‘Cruella’ and Why “We’re Culpable” in the ‘Pam & Tommy’ Story
–– If culpable is synonym for gullible.

If You Have A Toxic Mom, Disney’s ‘Cruella’ May Be Triggering
–– If you long to kill puppies you might be sniggering.

Blue Ivy, Who's Never Seen a Ceiling in Her Whole Life, Wasn't Really Impressed With Jay-Z's Hall of Fame Induction
–– Not even lying in crib?

What If Ben Affleck and J.Lo Made Another Movie Together
–– Giggly?

Former Bond girl Britt Ekland says she 'ruined her face' with lip fillers
–– How to blow a kisser.

HBO Max Experiences Tech Problems Before ‘Mare of Easttown’ Finale
–– Dreck problems during.

Judge Rules Against Netflix, Says Former Detective’s Defamation Suit Against ‘Making A Murderer' Can Proceed
–– Documentary series that had all of America saying, 'Yeah, he could've done it.'

A’s president apologizes for 'Fyre Festival' food served to minor leaguers: 'Totally unacceptable'
–– Strikes out at plate.

Investigators say Braves' Marcell Ozuna threatened to kill his wife before domestic violence arrest
–– The very definition of Brave.

Diamondbacks announcer Bob Brenly mocks Marcus Stroman's do-rag during game
–– Brenly persuasion.

Naomi Osaka says she will withdraw from French Open and ‘take some time away from the court’
–– Racket bawl.

Naomi Osaka fined for media snub and threatened with French Open expulsion
–– Yeah, as if contracts are legally binding.

Naomi Osaka and the Power of ‘Nope’
–– Yay, quitters!

At news conferences, male athletes get to be athletes. Female athletes like Naomi Osaka get pestered.
–– Pestered! Oh, the poor dear 23-year-old millionaire who must submit to having her ass extravagantly kissed in public.

Ryan Lochte: ‘I was headed to a dark, dark place’
–– ‘Then I realized I had my sunglasses on and had wandered into closet.’

John Boyega Drops Out of ‘Rebel Ridge’ Production Midshoot
–– Double yay, quitters!

Naomi Osaka, Prince Harry are open about their emotional struggles. Here's why it matters.
–– Empowers complete nonentities to trumpet victimhood?

Fury as mafia don nicknamed 'the people slayer' who dissolved boy in acid released from jail early
–– Boiled down to evidence.

Mafia hit man apologizes; Italians indignant at his release
–– Scusa diving.

‘It’s triggering and sad': Raven-Symoné's weight loss and '48-hour fast' draws mixed reactions
–– Alas! Forced to endure the oversharing of a former child star.

5 Times Mj Rodriguez Effortlessly Stunted On The Red Carpet
–– Had double standing by.

Adrian Grenier explains his permanent move from Hollywood to a Texas farm: 'It was lackluster at the top'
–– Wasn’t it really at the middle?

Miles Teller is replacing Armie Hammer in series about 'The Godfather' following accusations of sexual assault
–– Praying other B-List leading men get #MeTooed.

Demi Lovato admits that being the breadwinner of their family affected their relationship with their parents
–– Her and their?

What Happens to Philip Roth’s Legacy Now?
–– Ladies? It’s all in your hands.

An Extended Cut of the SUPER MARIO BROS Movie Has Resurfaced
–– To test your pain threshold.

Emma Stone’s Naughty ‘Planes, Trains And Automobiles’ Monologue Wins Steve Martin Seal Of Approval
–– Didn't travel well.

Christina Hendricks reflects on 'Mad Men' sexism: 'Everyone wanted to ask me about my bra'
–– Strapped for questions.

How Twitter Turned Kimmy Schmidt Into a ‘KKK Queen’
–– With usual mix of ignorance, disinformation, hysteria.

Sinéad O'Connor: My life is actually really boring
–– Is to us.

‘I promised Brando I would not touch his Oscar’: the secret life of Sacheen Littlefeather
–– Slang for his little Marlon?

Ella Emhoff, Kamala Harris's stepdaughter, opens up about new mullet: 'I’m really drawn to that almost ugly-chic look'
–– Ella unenchanted.

Hormonal mom in 2nd trimester breaks down while watching ‘A Goofy Movie’: ‘Goofy is just such an amazing dad’
–– ‘Oh, how I wish I was his bitch!’

Kate Winslet wouldn’t allow ‘Mare of Easttown’ director to edit out a ‘bulgy bit of belly’ in love scene: ‘Don’t you dare!’
–– How about all the flab in script?

Why the Controversy Over a Black Actress Playing Anne Boleyn Is Unnecessary and Harmful
–– And avoidable.

Judge Judy says she's having a 'Bill and Melinda Gates divorce' with CBS
–– She's already worth 3.2 bil: we rule you're out of order.

Man who shot Reagan is now posting love songs online
–– I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Shoot That), Da Do Ron-Ron, something by Jodie and the Pussycats.

China Box Office: ‘F9’ Falls 85 Percent Amid Weak Reviews, John Cena Controversy
–– Does suckiness not play into BO performance?

Quentin Tarantino Contemplates Not Making Another Movie: I'd Be 'Happy with Dropping the Mic'
–– We’d be ecstatic!

Lisa Kudrow Had To Relearn 1 Key Thing For The 'Friends' Reunion
–– Gently lifting Matthew Perry’s head off shoulder.

Fin Fang Foom Will Not Show Up in Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings
–– Because extra-terrestrial dragon creature was created by two white men and might offend…other extra-terrestrial dragon creatures?

Raya and the Last Dragon Is Now Streaming on Disney+ Without Premier Access!
–– Still no reason to watch it.

Superman impersonator tries to stop bus with hand, gets clonked
–– We want to be there for speeding bullet.

Italian Art Restorers Used Bacteria to Clean Michelangelo Masterpieces
–– Now Giuliano de' Medici has UTI.

A group of fishermen netted a $1.5 million whale-vomit windfall after dredging up a 280-pound hunk of the stuff
–– Ambergris for the mill.

Mystery event caused shark populations to crash 19 million years ago
–– Serious coke shortage suspected.

Toppled statue of slave trader Edward Colston goes on public display
–– Where are vandals who toppled it displayed?

This is how long it takes your body to fall out of shape when you stop exercising
–– Time it took to read headline.

Three ‘lost’ Charles Schulz strips have been rediscovered. Do they show the adult Lucy Van Pelt?
–– There are 28 panels in total –– didn’t have time to read them?

Why the government is now taking UFOs seriously
–– And when they’ll try videotaping with serious camera.

New NASA Missions Will Study Venus, a World Overlooked for Decades
–– Only planet named after a female god. Figures!

3,000 eggs abandoned after drone scares birds in California
–– We want to meet individual who counted them.

A rogue killer drone 'hunted down' a human target without being instructed to, UN report says
–– Same programmer as self-driving Tesla.

Spiders: Should I be worried about being bitten by a false widow?
–– No, but sleeping with her might create moral quandary.

After Years Of Detecting Land Mines, A Heroic Rat Is Hanging Up His Sniffer
–– Having nose amputated?

World must rewild on massive scale to heal nature and climate, says UN
–– Industry not rewild about that.

There are more than 8 million empty homes in rural Japan, and local governments are selling them for as little as $500 in a bid to lure residents
–– So far Monster Island kaiju investing big in summer homes.

Blind Chinese man climbs Mount Everest
–– There’s gotta be a punchline.

Opinion: Trying to make Israel vs. Hamas about race is nonsensical and dangerous
–– Next you’re going to tell us Jews, Arabs are all Semites and genetically related.

Israel’s 'magician' Netanyahu faces final curtain after record run
–– Sabra cadaver!

Leaders of Israel's anti-Netanyahu coalition get extra police protection as Netanyahu battles ouster
–– Oh, Bibihave!

Netanyahu claims his successor-in-waiting won't stand up to Biden
–– That awful bully?

‘We Know Occupation': The Long History of Black Americans’ Solidarity with Palestinians
–– ‘And we're kinda anti-Semitic.’

Google removes its head of diversity after 2007 blog post surfaces in which he claimed Jews have 'an insatiable appetite for war'
–– Quoting spiritual leader Mel Gibson.

Simon Cowell Cancels Appearance on ‘X Factor Israel’
–– So boycott has at least one bright spot.

After S.F. teachers union vote to support Israel boycott, Jewish families question if students will feel safe
–– Like ham on rye.

China Says It Will Allow Couples to Have 3 Children, Up From 2
–– Army to provide sperm for third.

Belarus’s plane interception has exiled dissidents looking over their shoulder
–– And under their wing.

American actor joins pro-Kremlin Russian political party
–– Isn’t calling Steven Seagal an actor fake news?

‘Illegal’ piranha found in Louisiana lake has officials worried there are more lurking
–– Didn’t have visa?

‘Exceptionally high' number of decapitated bodies found at Roman burial site
–– How many off top of your head?

Mysterious Brain Syndrome Stumps Canadian Doctors
–– They may have it.

The best plants for attracting butterflies to your San Antonio garden
–– Ours at the corner of El Monte Blvd. and Buckeye Ave.?

Major meat producer JBS USA hit by cyberattack
–– Hackers with butchers' knives.

‘This is not vegan propaganda’: inside Gunda, the pig movie making carnivores eat their words
–– Total pork screw.

US troops accidentally storm olive oil factory in Bulgaria
–– Operation Salad Dressing.

Are massage guns worth it? We asked the experts to find out
–– Or should you just strangle masseuse?

A Rogue Climber Running From the Law Was Fleeing His Own Trauma
–– Mental illness is so romantic!

Why the founder of Scott’s Cheap Flights wants you to take more vacations
–– A guy who sells tickets online? We can’t imagine.

Biden promises free beer and childcare if 70% of Americans get at least 1 vaccine shot before July 4
–– Which will make little monsters easier to handle.

U.S. details global coronavirus vaccine plan, with first 25 million doses headed to Asia, Latin America, Caribbean, Africa
–– Recipients free to express appreciation with bras d’honneur when they roll up sleeves.

WHO: It would be a "monumental error" to think the danger of Covid-19 has passed
–– And these clowns define “monumental error.”

Donald Trump Jr. tells Republicans to “grow a pair” over Fauci emails
–– And then lend them to him.

Covid: WHO renames UK and other variants with Greek letters
–– Makes ‘em feel classy before they kill ya.

Funeral pyres should not be the symbol of India's Covid crisis
–– And other smoke screens for Modi failure.

Leading scientist says that without a full investigation of lab leak theory, the world will face ‘covid-26 and covid-32’
–– So long as we dodge 'covid-28' and covid-34.'

Krispy Kreme has given away over 1.5 million doughnuts to vaccinated people
–– States will need to open free insulin injection sites.

F. Lee Bailey, defense lawyer for the famous and infamous, dies at 87
–– Flee, Bailey.

B.J. Thomas, ‘Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on My Head’ Singer, Dies at 78
–– Even in coffin?

Gavin MacLeod, Star of ‘The Love Boat’ and ‘The Mary Tyler Moore Show,’ Dies at 90
–– Sinks without trace.