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Week of 05/28/21

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Sen. Josh Hawley holding a bloody knife in his right hand indicates thumbs down with his left to a bipartisan commission to investigate the January 6 Capitol Riot seen behind him.GOP senators block Jan. 6 Commission, likely ending bid for independent probe of Capitol riot
–– Foxes bravely 'defend' henhouse.

Gunfire erupts between gunman, NYPD officers in Bronx
–– Maybe defund gun manufacturers?

McConnell doubles down to pressure Republicans, asking for 'a personal favor' to block January 6 commission
–– Offers two hand jobs rather than usual one.

‘Marjorie is wrong’: GOP leader Kevin McCarthy condemns Marjorie Taylor Greene’s ‘appalling’ Holocaust comments
–– She's Eva Braun of political commentary.

Marjorie Taylor Greene responds to Kevin McCarthy's rebuke
–– Repukes repulsive comments.

Romney first Republican senator to say he "would support" Jan. 6 commission bill
–– Eventually joined by 5 other turncoats.

Maricopa County, Arizona elections official calls Trump's false claim about a deleted database "unhinged"
–– Nary coper.

A $6 trillion budget lays out Biden's vision, but Republicans unlikely to be swayed
–– When they’re already that bent.

Biden adviser: President will 'change course' in infrastructure talks if inaction seems inevitable
–– Will take off-ramp yet to be built.

Biden ditched Obama's apples and Trump's Diet Coke button for salt water taffy from Delaware: 'He has the tastes of a 5-year-old'
–– Maybe that's what's gumming up his dentures.

MSNBC mocked for three-minute segment about Biden 'absolutely going to town' on ice cream
–– From Fox News where they spent four years licking both of Trump's scoops.

Obama says ‘institutional constraints’ kept him from talking about certain killings while president
–– Couldn’t weigh in on Red Wedding.

Former Defense Secretary Robert Gates said none of the 8 presidents he served would recognize the GOP today, saying its values are 'hard to find these days'
–– No, greed, bigotry, lies right up front.

Former GOP Rep: My Party Didn’t Just Leave Me, ‘They Were Beamed Up by Aliens’
–– And loving the anal probes.

Paul Ryan to enter GOP's civil war by criticizing Trump's hold on party
–– In latest installment of Too Little, Too Late.

Paul Ryan Criticizes Trump in All but Name: 'Yes-Men and Flatterers Flocking to Mar-a-Lago'
–– Like gulls they are.

Donald Trump calls Paul Ryan “a curse” to Republicans after ex-speaker urges GOP to move in new direction
–– During conference call with Satan.

Someone Unfurled A Huuuuge ‘Trump Won’ Banner At Yankee Stadium. It Didn’t Last Long.
–– Like Giancarlo Stanton stint off the IL.

Republicans Are as Excited for Trump’s Upcoming Rallies as They Are for Their Next Colonoscopy
–– You’d expect bunch of assholes to be squeamish.

Over 30 Million Americans Believe in QAnon’s Most Outrageous Conspiracy
–– Taking Q from A-hole.

Ivanka Trump In A Fog In Deposition About Role Of Investigated Top Trump Executive
–– Fog of whore.

Manhattan DA could pursue racketeering charge in Trump Org probe. experts say
–– Wake us when he’s standing in dock, hand on Bible.

Senate Puts Off Vote on Bill to Keep U.S. Lead in Technology
–– Just before Russia was about to electronically remove from agenda.

Matt Gaetz: Second Amendment Exists for ‘Armed Rebellion Against the Government’
–– Especially when they’re closing in on your sex trafficking ring.

Sunscreen With Leukemia-Causing Benzene Is Latest Summer Worry
–– All in a lather?

Tick bites on the rise: How to stay safe as you head outdoors
–– Bite back!

Drivers asked to download splatter app to help monitor insect numbers
–– Technical specks.

How to Avoid the 5 Worst Entryway-Decorating Mistakes
–– Use the back door.

Is Wokeness ‘Kryptonite for Democrats’?
–– If Kryptonite made Superman lose Congress, state houses.

New Bible that includes Constitution creates controversy before it even hits market
–– Rampant fears of literacy.

The Persistent Grip of Social Class on College Admissions
–– Which only dates back to 859 AD.

Belarus Faces EU Flight Ban for Grounding Ryanair Plane With Dissident
–– Stymieing fleet of WWII zeppelins, broken jet pack.

Detained Belarusian dissident appears in video as fury mounts over 'hijacking' of Ryanair flight
–– In real bull o’ ruse.

Belarus leader Alexander Lukashenko accuses ill-wishers of crossing ‘red lines’ and waging a ‘hybrid war’
–– He’s providing all the gas.

Belarus Plane Crisis Tightens Lukashenko’s Awkward Embrace of Putin
–– Big guy is already on knees with arms securely around little guy’s waist kissing ass.

Biden admin not adequately helping sufferers of "Havana Syndrome," 21 government workers say in letter
–– Prescription of 2 Cuba Libres a day termed ‘insufficient.’

Biden’s DOJ appeals order to release Russia memo used to clear Trump of obstruction
–– Barrs it.

Oprah Winfrey and Prince Harry hosting a follow-up town hall
–– In Stupidville.

Rick Santorum gives CNN credit after being fired: 'I have no animus at all toward CNN'
–– Sank dumb Santorum.

'Racist disfiguration': Yang's wife blasts New York Daily News cartoon
–– Yeah, that old anti-Asian cliché ‘the out-of-touch New York mayoral candidate who gave an idiotic answer to interviewer.’

NY Daily News editor defends Yang cartoon: 'This is not a racial stereotype or racist caricature'
–– 'But we're sure subject appreciates twitter mob making him seem like man of any people.'

Andrew Yang Believes in New York and Himself. Is That Enough?
–– And in playing victim, don’t forget that.

Andrew Yang goes ‘Numb’ when asked to name a Jay-Z song
–– Usually numbness sets in while listening.

Beto O’Rourke is sizing up another run for office in Texas
–– Currently runtier than an armadillo.

Juan Williams, lone liberal on Fox's 'The Five,' exits show
–– Was all thumbs.

San Jose gunman expressed hatred for his workplace in notes discovered years ago, official says
–– Sick transit.

James Bond, Meet Jeff Bezos: Amazon Makes $8.45 Billion Deal for MGM
–– Not ‘Bezos, Jeff, Bezos’?

‘Gone with the Wind’ and ‘The Wizard of Oz’ Are Not Part of the Amazon-MGM Deal; Here’s Why
–– Lion's pride.

At Long Last, a New Rail Tunnel Under the Hudson River Can Be Built
–– Millions of burrowing rats to be gainfully employed.

Self-Stylised Satanist Beheaded His Cellmate But Guards Allegedly Didn't Notice
–– Were told he was in head.

Jeffrey Epstein’s Guards Lied About the Night He Died, But They’re Getting Off Easy
–– With Wet Platinum Lube.

Watch Emma Stone Perfectly Recite Steve Martin's 'F--' Monologue From 'Planes, Trains & Automobiles'
–– Call us when she and Melissa McCarthy reenact 'Those aren't pillows!' scene.

Happy Birthday, Bob Dylan, Our Most Underappreciated Comic
–– Forever Youngman?

Bob Dylan Turns 80: Why Hollywood Remains Starstruck by the Legend
–– Because he’s actual legend?

Dave Grohl has ‘the best, the best, the best’ time co-hosting ‘The Tonight Show’
–– Foo-ey.

Chris Hemsworth's bulging arm and skinny legs has social media talking
–– On Pinsterest?

Chris Pratt says he helps wife Katherine Schwarzenegger with breastfeeding: ‘You have to express the milk’
–– ‘Tastes good, too.’

Jesse Plemons joins Elizabeth Olsen in new David E. Kelly HBO Max series
–– So we know there’s Southern redneck character.

John Cena apologizes for referring to Taiwan as a country, says he loves China
–– Adds, ‘Running dog Taiwanese must acknowledge rightful sovereignty of People’s Republic. And then have a blast at Fast & Furious 9!

‘Pearl Harbor’ at 20: Kate Beckinsale says she didn’t make sense to Michael Bay ‘because I wasn’t blond and my boobs weren’t bigger than my head’
–– Or 10x size of his brain.

‘Godzilla vs. Kong’ Filmmaker Adam Wingard to Direct ‘Hardcore’ for Universal
–– Pulling a Kong job.

Zack And Deborah Snyder Talk “Millions” Required To Reshoot Chris D’Elia’s ‘Army Of The Dead’ Part In Wake Of Scandal
–– Cancel check culture.

Those Blue-Eyed Zombies in Army of the Dead Hint at a Much Bigger Universe
–– An even dumber one.

Women accuse Atlanta acting coach of holding auditions for non-existent stripper roles on popular TV drama
–– Judi Dench particularly outraged.

Timothee Chalamet to Star as Young Willy Wonka in Warner Bros. Reimagining
–– Willy wanker.

Never mind The Mare Of Easttown, here’s Taylor Sheridan’s The Mayor Of Kingstown
–– Another nightMare.

John Krasinski reveals the surprising reason why he made 'A Quiet Place Part II’
–– It it’s not $340.7 mil gross of original, we’re not listening!

This Woman Tests And Reviews Sex Toys For A Living. Here’s What She’s Discovered.
–– There's the rub.

How To Cook Hot Dogs: The Best And Worst Ways
–– Worst: Insert rectally and simmer at 98.6ºF until done.

Top Stylist Jeanne Yang Joins Anonymous Content as Manager, Producer
–– Expect to never hear her name again

Van Jones gushes about Kim Kardashian: ‘Going to be an unbelievable attorney’
–– As in no one will take her seriously?

Kim Kardashian says she failed the 'baby bar' exam
–– She failed Hershey bar exam.

Jodie Turner-Smith Addresses the Backlash She's Faced for Portraying Anne Boleyn
–– Someone lost their head.

Lionsgate Re-Acquires Rights To Distribute Gerard Butler Thriller ‘The Plane’ After Solstice Deal Failed To Take Off
–– Solstice: shortest date of year.

Seth Rogen talks cancel culture, says some comedians overreact rather than take responsibility for old jokes
–– How about all your unfunny ones?

Ex-vegan eats raw organs as it makes her feel "high" and "euphoric"
–– Look, we already knew she was nuts when you said she’d been vegan.

They were loaned old-timey film projectors by Chicago Film Society, what did they watch? What did they think?
–– Why should we care?

Simone Biles becomes first woman to land Yurchenko double pike in return to competition
–– Trick is to avoid landing on ‘yur chenko.’

Hawks' Trae Young Says Video of Knicks Fan Appearing to Spit at Him Is 'Crazy!'
–– Isn’t he used to spats?

Florida high school is issuing refunds to families after editing yearbook photos of 80 female students so they'd appear more modest
–– To be applied to child's breast reduction fund.

DC sues Amazon over alleged antitrust violations
–– Batman to try case.

From Alcor to Zappafrank: How the stars and other celestial objects got their names
–– Not from geniuses who name meds?

Bear struck by car after sighting in UC Davis area
–– Sighting of oncoming car?

United Kingdom Begins Large-Scale Carbon Removal Trials
–– Bringing goals to Newcastle?

Submerged Italian Village Briefly Resurfaces After 70 Years Underwater
–– Inhabitants take huge gulp of air.

Sacco and Vanzetti's Trial of the Century Exposed Injustice in 1920s America
–– Anarchist off.

Texas woman filmed feeding spider monkeys at El Paso Zoo is arrested
–– Named primate suspect.

This Stinky Plant Smells Like Dead Bugs to Attract Coffin Flies
–– Randpaulus microstoma.

Madagascar May Be Stronghold for Ancient Fish With 420-Million-Year History
–– It better be if we're going to waste time clicking on this.

Giant tortoise found in Galápagos a species considered extinct a century ago
–– Why we’ve stopped listening to centenarians.

World's tiniest pig, once thought extinct, returning to the wild
–– Are you starting to think endangered species list based on wild guesses?

Scientists Drove Mice to Bond by Zapping Their Brains With Light
–– And other bright ideas.

Researchers Say They Found the Largest Drawings In the World With Satellite Imagery
–– Or maybe just a network of poorly-planned roads.

Philly steakhouse skewered for charging $100 minimum per person, imposing dress code
–– Only Fox News would be outraged by bilking of rich snobs.

‘You shouldn't be able to breathe': Officer tells man before he dies
–– Brutal prison guard and clairvoyant.

Tennessee’s transgender bathroom law has penalties, its sponsor reveals
–– Aside from swollen bladders?

Hm, No One Had a Problem With Puberty Blockers When Only Cis Kids Took Them
–– Cis boom? Bah.

Trump touted the Abraham Accords as a 'new dawn' for the Middle East. 9 months later, Gaza erupted.
–– Sunrise, scum set.

Bernie Sanders: Progressives Should ‘Tone Down' Calling Israel An ‘Apartheid’ State
–– Entire argument's a Boer.

Mark Ruffalo apologizes for saying Israel was committing 'genocide' against Palestinians
–– Genocide? Yoo-hoo, Bernie?

After opposing anti-hate crime bill, Hawley blames Democrats’ rhetoric for attacks on Jews
–– Prays his Lord doth Semite his enemies.

Why Are Israeli Defense Forces Soldiers Posting Thirst Traps on TikTok?
–– Some real d'uzis.

ISIS bride says she'll regret leaving US for terror group 'for the rest of my life'
–– Who says there isn’t any good news?

Iraq estimates that $150 billion of its oil money has been stolen from the country since the US-led invasion of 2003
–– Halliburton accountants: 'Only?'

Iran bans bitcoin mining as its cities suffer blackouts and power shortages
–– Ayatollah demands miners provide him 'a dozen brimming sacks of these shiny coins' immediately.

Syrian election: Assad wins ‘sham’ poll with 95% of the vote
–– His bed sheets garnered 97%.

Eurovision Winners From Italy Will Take Drug Test Following Green Room Incident
–– How high were losers watching this?

Canadian politician caught on camera urinating during virtual Parliament session, just weeks after nudity incident
–– Streamed live?

MP Steps Down After 'Peeing into Coffee Cup' During Zoom Meeting
–– Um, pee?

Bill Cosby denied parole as board says former actor needs to meet more requirements
–– And stop slipping Spanish fly into mess hall stew.

Miles Teller reportedly punched during dispute on Hawaiian vacation
–– Face got what it’s always been asking for.

Matthew Perry says he had major anxiety while filming 'Friends' -- and nobody else knew
–– All assumed massive intake of booze drowned it.

Ocean explorer discovers 5 sunken WWII subs, giving closure to hundreds of families
–– Like screen door on sub.

Will We Recognize Extraterrestrial Life When We See It?
–– Four years of Trump should help.

Sand Dunes Preserved These Roman Baths in Spain for Thousands of Years
-– Researchers uncover evidence of first-known massage with 'happy ending.'

By Creating a 'Landscape of Fear,' Wolves Reduce Car Collisions With Deer
–– Being deputized by local sheriffs.

How a 17-Year-Old’s Birthday Party Became the Biggest Thing on the Internet
–– How does anything? Unchecked massive stupidity.

Bill de Blasio Calls Out Trae Young After Hawks vs. Knicks: 'Stop Hunting for Fouls'
–– ‘Or you might end up seeing one of my press conferences.'

BBC Calls Princess Diana Interview Scandal “Profoundly Sobering Period,” Launches Editorial Review
–– This from days of three-martini-lunch.

Italian mafia don nicknamed the 'king of cocaine' arrested in Brazil
–– Nothing to sniff at.

North Korea bans mullet haircuts, nose piercings, and skinny jeans in Kim Jong Un's latest crackdown on 'anti-socialist behavior'
–– Mandates taper fade haircuts, cock rings, and caftans to better honor Supreme Leader.

Nigerian army investigating reports that Boko Haram leader died blowing himself up to avoid capture
–– Will first attempt to locate own asses using both hands.

Lava from Mount Nyiragongo is flowing away from nearby city in Democratic Republic of Congo, the UN says
–– US media to volcano's agent: 'Call us if your client decides to reverse course.'

Woman Having Bad Day Stunned By Delivery Driver's Kind Gesture
–– Flipped her bird with smiley face on middle finger.

Drone cameras trained to spot cancerous cells
–– See spot, roll.

Thousands of Unknown Microbes Found in Subways Around the World
–– Who skipped turnstiles!

A Southwest flight attendant loses two teeth after an altercation with a passenger. Union calls for more safeguards
–– Now they’re all she wants for Christmas.

3 Wuhan lab workers were sick enough to go to the hospital in November 2019, report says, bolstering calls to reconsider the coronavirus lab-leak theory
–– COVIDcedence-19.

Renewed focus on Wuhan lab scrambles the politics of the pandemic
–– When trying to explain 3.5 million lost souls we really give fuck how it plays in Beltway.

China counters Biden's Covid origins lab probe ... by calling for a US lab probe
–– And speying of infected canines.

Why is Anthony Fauci hedging on the origins of the coronavirus?
–– When China's utter transparency on origins should reassure anyone.

Actor Nick Offerman tells Congress COVID vaccine "doesn't take sides" other than "alive vs. dead"
–– Parks and vax.

Crematoria so overwhelmed they are melting: How COVID-19 has hit India worst of all
–– Hot off depresses.

The women possibly at higher risk for Covid-19 that no one is talking about
–– Especially sexist bastards who have studied this obscure inconclusive research and still refuse to discuss with neighbors.

John Warner, longtime US senator from Virginia, dies at 94
–– Time, Warner.

Real Milli Vanilli Singer John Davis Dead At Age 66
–– Rilli be chilli.