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Pale Rioter
Week of 05/21/21

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

House Republican votes for U.S. Capitol riot plan a blow to Kevin McCarthy
–– Who already blows more than any human alive.

What’s the real deal with zit stickers? We find out
–– Pop the question.

Photo emerges of Republican barricading chamber doors during US Capitol attack after he compared rioters to ‘tourists’
–– Rep. Clyde knows how insistent tourists can be asking for autographs.

The G.O.P. Looks for New Ways to Ignore the Capitol Riot
–– Then realize they’ve exhausted every conceivable dodge.

Mitch McConnell Opposes Commission To Investigate Capitol Riot
–– In retrospect believes mob should’ve massacred entire Congress including self.

All eyes on how many GOP defections will there be as House set to vote on bill to create January 6 commission
–– Will be far more defecations.

U.S. judge orders mental evaluation of Capitol riot's 'QAnon Shaman'
–– Once doctors locate brain.

Israel and Hamas both claim victory as ceasefire holds
–– And what a glorious triumph it is!

Israel’s Netanyahu 'determined' to continue Gaza operation
–– Mental illness is like that –– conviction same action will result in different result.

Israel-Gaza: Why is the region blurry on Google Maps?
–– And completely out-of-focus in reality?

Fears of "third intifada" as Gaza violence spills over to West Bank
–– Will they bring back Arafat from first installment?

Smashed ice cream parlours and burned synagogues leave Israel facing new threat from the inside
–– Frozen treats from Gaza!

Man allegedly attacked by Palestinian protesters told to stay inside his apartment by NYPD
–– Protesters asked to ‘make nice.’

MSNBC host Joy Reid says Americans have no empathy for Palestinians
–– All the partisans in American media not Americans?

Rep. Tlaib Pushes Biden To Protect At-Risk Palestinians In Middle East Conflict
–– What non-American wrote this for NPR?

Biden’s meek stance on Gaza ceasefire does little to quell progressive ire
–– Among those non-empathetic Americans who get no coverage?

Progressives warn Biden, Congress against fueling hatred with anti-China measures
–– While insufficiently fueling anti-Semitism with his pro-Israeli sentiments.

Infrastructure negotiations snagged as Republicans reject Biden's counterproposal
–– A bridge too far?

Aides to Joe Biden describe the president as having a 'short fuse' but he never erupts in fits of rage like Donald Trump, report says
–– Even at disloyal lackeys who mouth off behind back?

Val Demings plans to run for Senate against Rubio, sources say
–– Marco her words.

‘More police doesn't prevent crime': Mayor of America's most murderous city vows to shut notorious prison and defund the police
–– 'My tightly-crossed fingers do.'

Rep. Liz Cheney, who was just ousted from House GOP leadership, says she now regrets voting for Trump in 2020
–– And reveals why she deserved to get canned.

Liz Cheney’s GOP Challenger Impregnated a 14-Year-Old When He Was 18
–– Even then cultivating youth vote.

Meghan McCain slams Marjorie Taylor Greene for making Republicans look like 'psychotic barbarians'
–– ‘No matter how accurate a portrayal.’

New York AG: "We are now actively investigating the Trump Organization in a criminal capacity"
–– aka 'their natural habitat.'

'Not a positive development': What the new criminal probe could mean for the Trump Org.
–– Renewed self-respect.

Ex-Daughter-In-Law Of Trump Organization Executive Predicts He'll Flip On His Boss
–– Just like all the other performing seals he hired.

Opinion: Trump's not president, so why can't journalists just quit him?
–– Like, um, you?

Judge orders top Trump World lobbyist's assets partially frozen
–– Semi-freddo?

Rudy Giuliani's son, Andrew Giuliani, running for governor of New York
–– Slogan: 'I'm not Andrew Homo Who Rapes Chicks!'

Andrew Giuliani, 35, claims he's been in politics for 32 years
–– Was paid aide to Rudy while still twinkle in eye.

The Governor Of Texas Has Signed A Law That Bans Abortion As Early As 6 Weeks
–– Trying to get it down to 6 hours after conception.

Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot giving interviews only to journalists of color
–– White ones get Lightfoot in ass.

Chicago mayor faces dashed hopes of her backers
–– They're not inspired by utter incompetence?

Barack Obama privately called Donald Trump a 'madman' and a 'racist, sexist pig'
–– Like half of humanity.

Obama was peeved at being called 'aloof' by reporters and vented, 'Motherf---ers, I'm aloof with you because I don't want to talk to you,' a forthcoming book says
–– Aloof cannon.

We don’t know exactly what they are’: Obama says UFO sightings appear real
–– ‘But we know those Motherf---ers are pretty damned aloof.’

Former Matt Gaetz associate Joel Greenberg pleads guilty to six federal charges
–– Offers to sell prosecutors hot pix of underage Lady Justice.

Witnesses said Matt Gaetz snorted cocaine and had sex with an escort who was paid with campaign money, report says
–– Witnesses? Get them counseling.

Microsoft board investigated Bill Gates over an alleged affair with employee, report says
–– Report Melinda's lawyers had absolutely nothing to do with.

Jeffrey Epstein prison guards who slept the night of suicide strike deal to avoid jail time
–– Won't do nap time?

‘We’ve tried democracy and it failed': Adoring El Salvadorians swoon over their millennial dictator
–– Forza habit.

We tried the bra that thousands agree is the most comfortable on the planet
–– Was it your cup of teat?

Hall of Fame Announcer Marv Albert to Retire After 2021 NBA Eastern Conference Finals
–– Will hang up his bustier.

Chris Rock speaks out against cancel culture, says it creates 'unfunny' and 'boring' comedy content
–– So he's afraid of competition?

Starbucks Barista Fired For Tweeting Customer's ‘Crazy’ Order Speaks Out
–– Vente's anger.

Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Inventor, Subject of Upcoming Eva Longoria-Directed Biopic, Dismissed by Frito-Lay as ‘Urban Legend’
–– Latin xed.

Disputed Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Inventor Responds to Frito-Lay’s Claims: ‘I Was Their Greatest Ambassador’
–– Which is synonym of inventor, right?

What Americans Missed Most About Going to Restaurants. (It Wasn’t the Food.)
–– The credit card debt?

After winning MasterChef, 'The Blind Cook' opens her first restaurant
–– For the tasteless diner.

The meat industry is doing exactly what Big Oil does to fight climate action
–– More vegan gas.

These Invisible Whales Could Sink the Economy
–– Have investors baleen out.

Space Force commander fired after comments made on conservative podcast
–– Exiled to dark side of Moon.

The astonishing ubiquity of Debbie Allen
–– And the incredible misuse of that noun.

Venus Williams fumes at umpire during windy loss: ‘Can’t control God’
–– Obviously. Age 40, ranking 92.

‘Spiral’ Makes a Very Inaccurate Reference to the Previous ‘Saw’ Movies
–– Twisted logic?

Pink Describes the Awkward Moment When She Met Steve Buscemi, Jokes 'That Guy Hates Me'
–– Not tickled Pink?

‘Proud Bisexual' Anna Paquin Defends Her Marriage to Stephen Moyer: 'He Doesn't Have a Problem'
–– She’s Paquin ‘em in.

Hailey Baldwin Defends Her Love of Wearing Sneakers with Bikinis: 'That's My Vibe'
–– 'And it's really all I have.'

Angelina Jolie stands perfectly still, unshowered, covered in bees for World Bee Day
-– Real honey of a picture!

Jennifer Lawrence Said She and Nicholas Hoult Were Like “Two Perverted Homer Simpsons”
–– Dohs' ickies.

Demi Lovato says they are nonbinary and changing their pronouns
–– Screw them.

Jon Favreau Becomes a Marvel Legends 6-Inch Figure at Last
–– Are you Happy now?

Eric Bana Says He Had No Interest in Reprising ‘Hulk’ Character
–– Boy, that’ll really disappoint…somebody?

“It’s ‘Game of Thrones’ With Otters”: Discovery Greenlights Series Set in Singapore’s Marina Bay
–– If Joffrey frolicked with victims before drowning.

'Game of Thrones' star Hafthor Bjornsson, who played The Mountain, shows off 110-pound weight loss
–– Now sorta Thirdthor.

Dax Shepard reflects on messy 2004 Conan interview in which he fell over while 'blackout' drunk
–– Or Daxout?

'Friends' fans vent frustration over James Corden's role in reunion
–– Why couldn't they get practicing Quaker?

Zack Snyder: ‘I don’t have a rightwing political agenda. People see what they want to see’
–– Who sees 'what they want to see' watching his movies?

Bizarre zombie fire outbreak rages on beneath the Arctic’s frozen surface
–– In deleted scene from Snyder's Army of the Dead.

Jessica Alba Says She Cried When Daughter Haven, 9½, Walked In on Her and Husband Cash Warren
–– Husband spilled ‘tears’ of joy.

Sharon Stone says she can't stop XXX cut of 'Basic Instinct'
–– Leave it to beaver shot.

Martin Freeman: Method acting is pretentious nonsense – British stars just want to get on with it
–– Freeman's nickname: Marlon Blando.

Lakeith Stanfield Opens Up About Anti-Semitism Controversy: ‘I Do Not Support Louis Farrakhan’
–– Someone’s being Farrakhaned.

“Now I Can Cry Anywhere" - Tiffany Haddish On How Billy Crystal Helped Her Grow As A Performer
–– ‘When I watch myself act.’

‘Without Remorse’ Has a Very Important Connection to Amazon’s ‘Jack Ryan’ Show
–– Tedium.

‘Crocodile Dundee' star Paul Hogan scorches Venice Beach's homeless in note posted outside of his home: report
–– Venice bitch.

Sinead O'Connor Remembers Things Differently
–– Then someone with clear head.

Sinead O’Connor Says Prince Assaulted Her During A Pillow Fight
–– Sham wow!

Mandy Moore is back to blond hair
–– We're not sure about carpet, but hear it's shag.

T.I.’s New Song Sure Sounds Like It’s About His Sexual Assault Allegations
–– T.M.I.

Woman tries to remove mole on her face with drill and it ends in disaster
–– Does strike oil.

Why do we have toenails?
–– And other news clippings.

'Tree Farts' Raise Ghost Forests' Carbon Emissions
–– And spur calls for knot hole corks.

Beloved Contractor Attacked By His Own Friend In 'Absolutely Senseless' Murder
–– Always tough to quantify senselessness.

Family of man killed with skillet devastated by Friday sentencing decision for murderer
–– Went from frying pan into… y’know…

There’s a score to quantify childhood trauma. Some health experts want you to know yours.
–– And to confirm it involves dart board, dart.

CNN viewers panic after Don Lemon's announcement about his show
–– Panic. Joy. They can appear so similar.

$9-an-hour port-a-potty job helped her escape homelessness. Now she watches others struggle.
–– In the port-a-potty?

17 Kids Who Don't Even Know How They Got To This Level Of Genius
–– The BuzzFeed level.

Bus Driver Says Soldier Who Allegedly Hijacked Bus Full of Kindergartners Grew Weary of Students' Questions
–– Why? Because. Why?

Girl purposely got blue slime on would-be kidnapper's arms
–– And pestered him to play Pretty Pretty Princess to chase him away.

University of California system will no longer require SAT and ACT scores for admission after settlement reached
–– Reading, riting also opshunal.

Videos show cicadas taking over Virginia man’s garden as Brood X emerges around U.S.
–– See, the cicadas are real like we've been reporting for months. There are billions of them. Billions! Oh, the Humanity!!

Guess who's coming to dinner? Virginia chef serves up tasty cicada tacos
–– No chirplupas?

Cicadas Fall Prey to a Psychedelic-Producing Fungus That Makes Their Butts Fall Off
–– But has them imagining they have labybugs growing from their rears.

Jumping spiders have a mysterious nighttime habit
–– Not jumping?

An Estimated 50 Billion Birds Populate Earth, but Four Species Reign Supreme
–– If you can swallow.

Dog delivers mail to locals on remote island near North Pole
–– Wish lists to Clauses and elf hostages.

Woman tells dog a story using all his favorite words and his reaction is hilarious
–– "Bitch, you’re supposed to say, 'Stop me if you’ve heard this.’"

‘Dingoes were here first’: the landowners who say letting ‘wild dogs’ live pays dividends
–– Squatters rights?

Great Dane hailed as hero for saving owner from venomous rattlesnake
–– So he could maul loser himself.

20 Questions About Lisa Vanderpump’s New Show, Vanderpump Dogs
–– 17. Do they ever vanderpump your leg?

New Idaho Law Calls For Killing 90% of State's Wolves
–– Orders for sheep's clothing skyrocket in state.

Six per cent of Americans believe they could beat a grizzly bear in a fight
–– Society better if those people were made to.

Scientists Fired Water Bears From a Gun to Test Their Survivability Upon Impact
–– We sure wish these were 500-pound wet grizzlies.

Galapagos Islands: Erosion fells Darwin's Arch
–– Will need new footwear.

Half of Guadeloupe's snakes and lizards went extinct after European colonization
–– The moral of the story: white men more toxic then poisonous reptiles!

Hidden pockets of potentially explosive magma lurk around volcanoes
–– Skulking with shivs in their pockets.

Crawfish boil explosion sends 4 people to the hospital
–– Critters must’ve been pretty angry.

Extinct Fish Species That Existed Over 420 Million Years Ago Found Alive in the Indian Ocean
–– Don’t editors even read first word in headline?

Study Plucks Rare Quasicrystal From Wreckage of First Atomic Bomb Test
–– We quasi-give-a-shit.

Boko Haram leader behind kidnapping of 300 girls seriously injured after trying to blow himself up
–– Never knew how to enjoy a blast.

Iran stunned by case of couple who drugged and dismembered son
–– Up in arms?

Kim Jong Un bans Chinese medicine at hospitals in North Korean capital following official’s death
–– Will return to dried-mud plasters as universal treatment.

Australian police exhume body of 'spy' found dead in 1948 in hope of solving country's most enduring mystery
–– Note our disinter-est.

Belgian ambassador's wife claims diplomatic immunity after slapping a Seoul store assistant
–– Owes her Seoul kiss.

SEG Plaza evacuation: Shaking China skyscraper sends shoppers fleeing
––– Sale on clean underwear after tremors.

Ukraine seized vodka made from Chernobyl apples. The scientists who made it want it back
–– For their nukatinis.

Angry residents bid to oust rapist French mayor ruling from inside prison
–– Do the can can.

Prince Harry accuses Royal family of 'total neglect' and 'bullying' in Apple TV series
–– Throws tantrum after which Oprah burps him.

Palace Insiders Are Upset Over Prince Harry Saying His Dad Passed on a "Cycle" of “Genetic Pain"
–– Did share stupid genes.

De Blasio becomes instant meme after donning Brooklyn Nets gear
–– Net over head particularly ill-advised.

Elderly Man Has Wrong Leg Amputated In 'Tragic Mistake'
–– Chances were limb and none.

You may be able to breathe out of your bum, and one day it could save your life
–– Excuse us, we just coughed out our ass.

Honeybees tell time without clocks or sun, study says. It may be bad news for your diet
–– Especially if they're counting minutes in your belly.

Bill Maher Cancels ‘Real Time’ Again This Week After Positive Coronavirus Test
–– Total victim of cancel culture!

Charging 589% Interest in the Pandemic Is a Booming Business
–– When wouldn't that boom?

U.S. Commits to Sharing 20 Million More Vaccine Doses With Countries in Need
–– And used syringes?

The CDC Is Gambling On Relaxed Mask Rules To Get More People Vaccinated
–– Because anti-vaxxers appreciate gentle reminders.

Dogs Nearly As Effective As Nasal Swab Tests In Detecting Covid, Study Finds
–– Swab test never shat on clinic floor.

Average Covid-19 cases are the lowest they've been in nearly a year. Vaccines can push them even lower, officials say
–– Boldly embracing law of probability.

Scene-stealing actor Charles Grodin, star of ‘Beethoven’ and ‘Midnight Run,’ dead at 86
–– It Would Be So Nice If You Weren't Here.

Charles Grodin’s bizarre SNL episode embodied his brand of meta-comedy
–– Guess Beethoven not his worst credit.