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The Mask of Zero
Week of 05/14/21

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

CDC Director Walensky removes the face mask from Erik, the Phantom of the Opera.CDC officials made a breakthrough decision on masks. This is what convinced them.
–– Thought America needed to bask in Biden smile.

Joe Biden mask tweet riles Republican lawmakers
–– And they’re usually so chill.

Rep. Eric Swalwell Blew His Top When Marjorie Taylor Greene's Aide Told Him To Remove Mask
–– So at least he was hatless.

House Republicans oust Cheney from leadership for calling out Trump’s false election claims
–– Truth and consequences.

Kevin McCarthy Ripped For Absolutely Orwellian Line In His Liz Cheney Letter
–– 'All elephants are equal, but some elephants are more equal than others.'

McCarthy Officially Backs Stefanik to Replace Cheney in House Leadership
–– Congratulating her with 'Heckuva job, Brown-nose!'

GOP tried to hide bad news about Trump's popularity
–– ‘Tried’ or ‘still trying?’

Co-chair of Facebook Oversight Board defends decision to uphold Trump ban
–– Proudly lists all their other oversights.

Hogan criticizes GOP as a 'circular firing squad' that had 'worst four years' under Trump
–– With guns pointed at own heads.

Trump’s defense secretary suddenly backs off blaming him for Capitol riot
–– Spine remelted.

‘Normal tourist visit’: Republicans recast deadly Jan. 6 attack by pro-Trump mob
–– In Hell.

Proud Boys Leader Charged In Capitol Attack Feels Betrayed By Trump: 'You Left Us'
–– Tearfully covers Taylor Swift.

Trump-Biden Was Worst Presidential Polling Miss in 40 Years, Panel Says
–– Yeah, losers said Biden would win!

Democrats’ quarrels in divided U.S. Congress complicate Biden agenda
–– Yeah, why can't they be more like Trumpublicans.

Biden told staff not to serve leafy greens because he didn't want to be photographed with leaves in his teeth, report says
–– Kale to the Chief?

Colonial pipeline hack claimed by Russian group DarkSide spurs emergency order from White House
–– DC supervillain threatens to sue.

DarkSide, Hacking Group Linked to Colonial Pipeline Attack, Says It Is Closing
–– Subterrenean lair available for rent.

U.S. Southeast braces for fuel price rises after pipeline shutdown
–– And mental collapse.

Colonial S.C. woman hoarding gasoline catches on fire after crash
–– Y’mean she’s trending online?

Hummer catches fire after driver fills up four 5-gallon gas containers in Florida
–– Changes tune.

Russia Is Going to Try to Clone an Army of 3,000-Year-Old Scythian Warriors
–– Putin: 'As long as they not sissier!'

Pentagon Surveilling Americans Without a Warrant, Senator Reveals
–– What have you got to hide? (Put those grenade launchers away!)

Reality Winner was the FBI’s ‘head on a pike’ for Trump. It’s time to set her free.
–– Pike's peaked.

Trump asked the Secret Service to get 'these fat guys off my detail' because 'they can't run down the street,' according to new book
–– ‘To get me Quarter Pounders with cheese.'

Judge sentences co-founder of 'Students for Trump' to prison
–– Detention sender.

Cupp: Graham said the most honestly naked thing I've heard about state of GOP
–– Flash of truth?

Marjorie Taylor Greene Once Told AOC to ‘Get Rid of Her Diaper’ and Face Her
–– In that metaphor Greene full of herself.

Gaetz investigators reportedly seeking cooperation from his ex-girlfriend
–– Hope they have some loose change.

Some Mike Lindell fans reportedly stood in line for 7 hours to watch his rally at the Corn Palace - but when the event started, the venue was half empty
–– Not many stalkers.

A Texas judge threw out the NRA's bankruptcy case, clearing the way for New York's attempts to dissolve the group
–– Yep, just shot it down.

After passing prison reform, Tennessee governor will now sign laws to increase incarceration
–– Pledges to attend Halloween party as Buford Pusser.

Most of Stringer’s Supporters Have Fled. Not the Teachers’ Union.
–– He’s still stringing along.

Medina Spirit, the Kentucky Derby winner, heads into the Preakness under a cloud after drug test
–– Flatulence causes roid rage in stands.

Push to electrify mail trucks gains wide support, an unlikely win for both DeJoy and Biden
–– How about attaching electrodes to letter carriers so they actually deliver things?

Six dead in Colorado Springs shooting at birthday party committed by man who then killed himself, police say
–– These sick bastards always get order wrong.

2 NYC mayoral candidates think the median home in Brooklyn sells for less than $100,000. Only Andrew Yang guessed correctly.
–– Should both move races to Podunk.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez rips Andrew Yang for his 'chest-thumping' Israel statement and mocks his rejection from a Ramadan event
–– Yang looks like two thumps would collapse lungs.

Trevor Noah Has a Message for Israel: ‘What Is Your Responsibility?’
–– Message or question?

Israeli Ambassador Accuses Tlaib of Encouraging Terror Groups to Attack Jews
–– All 'Rah, rah, Hamas boom, ja!'

Alan Dershowitz called Bernie Sanders a 'self-hating Jew' over his stance on Israel-Palestine violence
–– Al just hates everyone but.

School bombing heightens fears among Afghanistan’s Hazaras, long a target for militants, amid U.S. exit
–– Was crap storm before US troops, will be shit storm after.

Man accused of hate crime attack on Asian woman in NYC told parole board he wished he could take back murdering his mom
–– Sounds like racial prejudice is his big problem.

California tree-trimmer accused of serial killing, slashing throats of several victims
–– Picked Adam’s Apples.

White House chief of staff says he 'wouldn't want to estimate or underestimate' Trump if he decides to run in 2024
–– How can you do anything but overestimate that POS?

Caitlyn Jenner didn't vote for Trump in 2020 and skipped the election to play golf
–– As she promotes chief qualifications for governor.

John Kerry denies allegations of putting inappropriate pressure on banks to address climate change
–– Wanted them to gift customers solar-powered toaster when opening new account.

NBC Will Not Air Golden Globes in 2022 Due To Ongoing HFPA Controversy
–– Will go from bad to diverse?

Tom Cruise Returns His Three Golden Globe Trophies To Join Protest Against HFPA
–– Even though they'de been melted down, reformed into bust of L. Ron Hubbard.

Elon Musk reveals he has Asperger’s syndrome during SNL monologue
–– How to make self more relatable in 2021.

Thuso Mbedu Hopes ‘Underground Railroad’ Will Help “People Who Need to Feel Like Their Voices Are Being Heard”
–– How about ones saying ‘we’d like to be entertained?’

Critics’ Conversation: The Exhilarating Stupidity of Netflix’s ‘The Circle’
–– ‘The Circle’ jerks.

Seth Rogen Says He Doesn’t Plan to Work With James Franco After Sexual Misconduct Allegations
–– Brings own bus –– Pineapple Express –– to throw him under.

Gal Gadot Says Joss Whedon “Threatened My Career” During ‘Justice League’ Reshoot
–– Said he’d take away Lasso of Truth.

Euphoria’s Sydney Sweeney Breaks Down in Tears After Being Criticized for Her Appearance
–– Chose right profession.

Andra Day lost 40 pounds to play Billie Holiday -- but she didn't feel any prettier
–– On Lady Day’s Junk Diet?

Andra Day says she was 'dealing with porn addiction, sex addiction' while portraying Billie Holiday
–– Didn’t feel prettier just hornier?

My husband wants a threesome. I don’t. What can I do?
–– Double down.

Wendy Williams' Wax Figure Makes Its Debut at Madame Tussauds: 'It's Wonderful'
–– ‘And such a better conversationalist.’

Wendy Williams shades Ellen DeGeneres, says TV 'exposes you for the person that you really are'
–– 'And then you realize folks are entertained by train wrecks.'

Tina Turner, the Go-Go's, Jay-Z lead historically diverse Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Class of 2021 inductees
–– Or da worst?

Paulina Porizkova on baring it all and battling ageist critics
–– Let us at the bums trying to get her to stop taking her clothes off!

SNL 's Michael Che Responds After Show Is Accused of Cultural Appropriation: 'The Sketch Bombed'
–– A black writer having white characters talk black. Isn't that Inappropriation?

Grimes Hospitalized for Suffering Panic Attack Days After SNL Cameo
–– Confirming she did tape, watch own performance.

–– And other bad undergrad film school essays.

Mickey Rourke Prefers ‘Real Acting’ Over ‘That Crap’ Acting in Marvel Movies
–– Like this?

Evan Peters drank 'lil Dixie cups of apple cider vinegar' every half hour to act drunk in 'Mare of Easttown'
–– Same way script was served.

‘Mare of Easttown’ Had a ‘Bed Hair’ Rule That Fit Kate Winslet’s Ban on Unattainable Beauty
–– And ‘bedbug’ rule for story logic.

The New York Post is being ridiculed for saying Leonardo DiCaprio looks 'unrecognizable' in his new movie
–– To be fair interns editing paper are only 16, don't know him.

Seth Rogen Looks Unrecognizable After Shaving His Beard for 'Pam and Tommy'
–– Media really does have attention span of one-month-old.

Finn Wittrock Says Ryan Murphy 'Talked Me Through' Using a Prosthetic Penis on Ratched
–– Took dicktation.

David Boreanaz Says 'There Can Be Some Clashing' While Directing Himself in SEAL Team
–– SEALs flipper flops.

Billy Crystal says the Oscars needs a host after 2021 awards hit record-low ratings
–– Already have 75-dead demo sewn up.

Alice Cooper forgot he had an Andy Warhol masterpiece in storage. Now he's selling it
–– Alice can’t remember anything much before 2000.

Picasso painting doubles in value at $103m auction
–– Like two eyes on one side of face.

Artist Ai Weiwei Gives Illy Espresso Cups a Dash of Art
–– His career is double shot.

Alice Neel's Paintings Meet The Moment At The Met
–– Moment when art is judged by gender, race.

Alexis Ohanian Returns to Spot in Italy Where He Met Wife Serena Williams: ‘Life Is Unexpected’
–– He got there by accident?

Laura Whitmore is changing the narrative around breastfeeding with empowered post
–– Rewriting tit lit.

Did ‘Mortal Kombat’ Do More For HBO Max Then ‘Godzilla vs. Kong’?
–– In terms of pure humiliation?

‘The Forever Purge’ Trailer: Horror Franchise Comes to an End in Violent Fashion
–– The Purge violent? Huh.

‘American Idol’ Finalist Exits Over Controversial Video From When He Was 12 Years Old
–– When he was just a klansboy.

Paris Teenager’s New Gig: Would-Be Queen of Italy. A Nation Shrugs.
–– We can’t even muster that much energy.

Prince Harry says growing up as a royal was like being in a zoo
–– Appropriate for jackass.

Bill Gates’ Divorce Is Airing Out All His Jeffrey Epstein Laundry
–– Which includes lots of padded bras.

Bill and Melinda have been working on their divorce since 2019, WSJ reports
–– Finally emerged from beta testing.

'I committed no crime': Mom calls out amusement park after being kicked out over short shorts
–– Charged with buttery.

Man Riding in Driverless Tesla Is Arrested in California
–– Blamed granny's ghost at wheel.

NASA rocket launch from Wallops postponed again after Black Brant XII touched stand
–– Everybody knows that.

Chick-fil-A is facing a sauce shortage
–– Dearth of dog’s anal glands to express.

Large dog pulls owner to the ground in order to fight pet pooch in Viral Video
–– Jack wrestle terrier.

Man builds &5,000 home for his dog in his closet with fireplace and TV
–– Dog still rejects marriage proposal.

Jill Biden's Valentino bag has hand-painted portraits of her dogs
–– Looks like Major chump.

Jill Biden’s tights and why society is obsessed with what older women wear
–– 'Society' aka ‘female style reporters.’

Cat jumps from fifth-floor of burning Chicago building, bounces once and runs away
–– In sad end to story.

A rare calico lobster was rescued from a Red Lobster. It’s now headed to a Virginia exhibit.
–– Where it will be devoured by calico cats.

‘Beavers are just being beavers’: friction grows between Canadians and animals
–– Dam right.

Man Chased By Cougar For Five Minutes During Terrifying Hiking Ordeal
–– Five minutes? Scary, maybe.

Rare Owl With Bright Orange Eyes Seen for the First Time in More Than 125 Years
–– On another bender.

Cicadas hit snooze on their 17-year alarm clock. But they are still coming
–– Honest, just like we’ve reported nonstop for last year.

Vesuvius Victim Identified as Elite Roman Soldier Sent on Failed Rescue Mission
–– Found with virginal human sacrifice intended for Vulcan.

Fossil likely 300 million years old found by litter-picking paddle boarders
–– Is fossil of peach pit.

Woman wakes days after surgery with different accent
–– Tell Hilaria Baldwin to get well soon.

German priests defy Pope Francis with blessings of same-sex unions
–– Pull schwul over his eyes?

I found Korean culture sexist and stifling. Then my kid fell in love with K-pop.
–– Why can't they be like we were, PC in every way? What's the matter with kids today?

Jeff Bezos' superyacht is so big it needs its own yacht
–– And that yacht has own aircraft carrier.

Shaq massages a cramp for Charles Barkley on 'Inside the NBA'
–– Adults Only Edition.

Artist Maya Lin planted dead trees in a Manhattan park to show impacts of climate change
–– And rotten metaphors.

Prince Harry and Oprah Winfrey’s Mental Health Docuseries Sets Premiere Date on Apple TV+
–– A Meghan bio?

Can an Internet phenomenon work on cable? ‘Ziwe’ just might.
–– Don’t be Ziwe!

Model Tess Holliday reveals she’s recovering from anorexia
–– Have to take her word for it.

Janet Jackson's brothers react to Justin Timberlake's apology: 'It takes a man to step up and do that'
–– ‘Step up, then crawl, that is.’

Jana Kramer shares topless photo after breast augmentation: ‘This next me is free’
–– She used to charge?

Armie Hammer's new girlfriend is dental hygienist Lisa Perejma
–– Who personally sharpens his teeth.

'Deadliest Catch' star Jake Harris arrested in Washington again for DUI: report
–– Dopiest catch.

U.S. state AGs urge Facebook to cancel plans for Instagram for younger kids
–– Instagram crackers.

University president resigns after plagiarizing part of a speech by the former head of US Special Operations Command
–– It was South Carolina where they spell it P-L-A-Y-J-…whatever.

In the Search to Stall Aging, Biotech Startups Are Out for Blood
–– We hear no blood permanently stalls it.

The contents of your gut could predict whether you’ll live a long life
–– And who gives a shit.

Life-Sized Camel And Horse Sculptures In Saudi Arabian Desert Date Back 2,000 Years
–– Though untalented artist could’ve done them last week.

Tiny Leonardo da Vinci bear sketch could fetch over $16M
–– Or so.

Scholars Are One Step Closer to Solving the Mystery of an Enormous Chalk Figure
–– Can’t they count rings in his ‘wood’?

Neanderthals Ate Carb-Heavy Diets, Potentially Fueling Brain Growth
–– Loved french fries just like descendants.

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
–– And answers to other Steven Wright jokes.

Drone-killer fires microwave beams to disable UAVS
–– And Joe Biden speeches.

Lizards Have Been Running On Two Legs Since They Were Escaping Dinosaurs
–– And boy, are they tired.

Subway franchise owners issue ‘warning’ over allegedly dangerous new menu item: ‘[We] cannot endorse this’
–– Subs with live torpedos.

Man who fled with a tiger has been caught, but the animal is on the loose, Houston police say
–– Confirming theory beast way smarter than owner.

An Australian destroyer arrived in San Diego with 2 dead endangered whales stuck to its hull
–– Providing excellent bumpers while docking.

Discord is rapidly expanding beyond gaming, attracting suitors like Sony and Microsoft
–– Sowing Discord?

Iron ore prices go ballistic as metals boom
–– Particularly in bombs.

JPMorgan’s new carbon-reduction targets for oil, gas, electric, auto
–– Home loans, transparency, honesty.

US Navy seizes thousands of weapons in Arabian Sea likely bound for Yemen's Houthi Rebels
–– Houthi and the blow wish.

Florida releases genetically modified mosquitoes in hopes to reduce spread of disease
–– Although each huge insect can drain average-sized child of blood in one sitting.

Unilever is tempting vaccine skeptics with free ice cream
–– Chocolate Chip COVID Dough, Coronavirus & Cream.

Expert panel says mistakes led to coronavirus pandemic, but stops short of holding countries, leaders to account
–– Like maybe CHINA, Xi, CHINA, Xi, CHINA, Xi?!!!

China Can’t Breed Enough Lab Monkeys to Meet Surging Demand from Researchers
–– Or for Researchers?

WHO chief Tedros says focusing on pandemic when asked about second term
–– What’s he gonna say, ‘I’m running on my catastrophic record?'

'Dracula's Castle' Is Now Offering Visitors Free Covid-19 Vaccinations
–– Of course, Count doesn’t want to get sick.

Norman Lloyd, Actor in ‘St. Elsewhere’ and Hitchcock’s ‘Saboteur,’ Dies at 106
–– Did not see that coming.

Pat Bond, a Sexual-Subculture Pioneer, Dies at 94
–– In NY Times BDSM 'trailblazer' rates 32 grafs to Norman Lloyd’s 26.

Spencer Silver, the chemist who gave Post-it Notes their signature stick, dies at 80

1980s siren Tawny Kitaen of music videos and 'Bachelor Party' dies at 59
–– Sex Kitaen.

Lloyd Price, ‘Personality’ Hitmaker, Is Dead at 88
–– Lawdy, Miss Clawdy!

Graeme Ferguson, Imax Co-Founder, Dies at 91
–– Goes big.

George Jung, Who Made Millions Smuggling Cocaine, Dies at 78
–– The Jung and the reckless.