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Week of 05/07/21

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Mark Zuckerberg is seen from behind as he scratches his head considering T for True and Trump or False with the Facebook F logo.
Facebook Oversight Board upholds Donald Trump's suspension from the platform
–– By the neck.

The US eyes possible 'Roaring '20s' recovery
–– May even pass some hot $100s.

Suck it, Zuck — only 4% of US iOS users say ‘okay then’ to ad tracking
–– Same percentage who think he's 'decent human being.'

Nearly 1 in 3 new stores opening in the US is a Dollar General
–– Rest Private businesses?

“I’ve had it with her": McCarthy caught on hot mic trashing Liz Cheney
–– "If I have to listen to one more accurate statement…to the moon!'

As Trump loyalty trumps ideology, conservatives hold their noses for Stefanik
–– How can they smell her over McCarthy, Scalise, Palmer?

Stefanik privately pledges to serve only through 2022 in House GOP leadership
–– Will still get Stefan ick all over it.

House GOP leader Kevin McCarthy apparently pays $1,500 to live in a 12-bedroom, 16-bath penthouse
–– So there is such a thing as free Luntz.

The 'headache' Trump left behind for Biden on the White House lawn
–– Fired aide’s skull.

CIA mocked from all sides over new ‘woke’ recruitment video
–– Uncle Shame wants you!

G.O.P. Focuses on Polarizing Cultural Issues in Drive to Regain Power
–– As Democrats work overtime providing them.

Do You Live in a Political Bubble?
–– This from NY Times: file under ‘Ironic.’

Biden officials to go on "Getting America Back on Track" tour to sell $4 trillion infrastructure plan
–– Choo-choo the fat.

Blinken says Biden inherited an immigration system that was 'broken intentionally'
–– And Mexico paid for it.

Can Pete Buttigieg Deliver Joe Manchin?
–– Is ‘deliver’ some naughty slang we don’t know?

North Korea warns US of 'very grave situation' after Biden's 'big blunder' in speech to Congress
–– Little boil-on-ass-of-humanity that cried wolf.

China calls for 'basic etiquette' after Philippine outburst
–– What’s Mandarin for ‘un-effin’-believable hypocrisy?’

Beijing’s ‘Little Blue Men’ spread across South China Sea as Britain sends strike group
–– Need work until show reopens in Vegas.

Henry Kissinger has warned of the doomsday potential of the weapons US-China possess as relations between the 2 superpowers worsen
–– Trots out Dr. Strangelove routine for old time’s sake.

‘Are You Like This Doggy?’ U.S. Embassy Asked Chinese Students. It Backfired.
–– Thin-skinned gullible one that takes offense too easily?

China says out-of-control space rocket booster probably won’t cause any harm
–– That is one big, fiery ‘probably.’

’I’m horrified': Community reacts to Gaetz speaking tour
–– Gaetz of Hell!

Former Ethics Chief Slams Cruz's Warning To 'Woke' CEOs As 'Most Openly Corrupt' Ever
–– Most? Ever? Cruz?!!

Ted Cruz’s 2016 ‘Running Mate’ Reveals Why She’s ‘Very Disappointed’ In Him
–– Carly slimin’.

Secret William Barr memo saying not to charge Trump must be released, judge says
–– With attached Get Out of Jail Free card.

News outlets including the Washington Post have retracted or amended reports claiming the FBI warned Giuliani he was the target of a Russian influence operation
–– Like you have to exaggerate to portray Rudy as crook in cahoots with Trump Administration.

Alan Dershowitz Claims Giuliani Raid Was Political Revenge, Likens U.S. to ‘Banana Republic’
–– Vengeful, ravenous ape should know.

Rudy Giuliani’s Pals Are Begging Trump to Cover His Legal Bills
–– And hair coloring expenses.

Giulini’s son couldn’t have picked a worse moment to step into the political fray
–– Inherited father’s exquisite sense of when to raise stink.

For Republicans, fealty to Trump’s election falsehood becomes defining loyalty test
–– Also damned accurate IQ test.

Marjorie Taylor Greene Insists capitol Rioters Weren’t Trump Supporters
–– How Greene was my folly.

Democratic congressman tells Marjorie Taylor Greene to 'shut your seditious, QAnon loving mouth' after she called his party 'the enemy within'
–– Chalk up to Q schtick.

Romney booed at Utah GOP convention before failed vote to censure him
–– Crowd refused to put mitts together.

GOP Seeks to Empower Poll Watchers, Raising Intimidation Worries
–– Proposed issuance of cattle prods ‘concerning.’

Florida Republicans rushed to curb mail voting after Trump’s attacks on the practice. Now some fear it could lower GOP turnout.
–– Good chance Trumpists go postal.

Fact check: Here's what Florida's new elections law actually does
–– Get voters to believe in DeSantis cause?

Texas GOP’s voting restrictions bill could be rewritten behind closed doors after key House vote
–– Lawmakers have crayons at ready.

The best travel pillow of 2021
–– Comes with Mike Lindell who cradles your head, sings you lullaby The Big Lie.

Hotel accommodations for Secret Service assigned to former Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin have cost taxpayers over $30k: The Daily Beast
–– We really, really want to be outraged, but $30k?

Watch Michael Flynn butcher the Pledge of Allegiance at a Lin Wood rally in South Carolina
–– Would’ve preferred to butcher progressive.

Eddie Gallagher says he and other Navy SEALs used a dying enemy fighter for medical practice with no intention of saving him
–– Sick jokester took mallet to head like it was watermelon.

‘I Got Obama'd'
–– And got Barack's off?

Dwayne Johnson says he'll 'consider' running for president: 'I have a goal, and an interest and an ambition to unite our country'
–– 'And at current rate of National Stupefecation I might be overqualified in three years.'

The obvious goal of the Arizona recount: Injecting more doubt into the 2020 results
–– Tempe fudge it.

Trump Hints At Mar-A-Lago That Biased Arizona Recount Could Be Road To White House
–– Or fatal midnight swim in Atlantic.

Trump gets tested in suburban Texas
–– Can’t pass cognitive exam anywhere else.

Trump's Scottish Golf Resorts Took $800,000 In Taxpayer Funds To Save Jobs, But Cut Workers
–– Trump a crook? Nae!

In New Book, Elizabeth Warren Calls Mike Bloomberg’s Presidential Run 'Completely Wrong'
–– Then hers was like 85%?

Asian Americans see generational split on confronting racism
–– As misguided oldsters refuse to see selves as cartoon victims.

George W. Bush says the Republican Party has a shot at future elections if it curbs its 'white Anglo-Saxon Protestantism'
–– Did Cheney have him in trance?å

George W. Bush Calls for Reform, Says 'Real Issue in Police Accountability'
–– Or did he get brain transplant we didn’t hear about?

Chauvin juror defends participation in Washington protest
–– That’s nice part of jury duty –– it’s not for life.

Texas is about to allow residents to carry handguns without a license or training
–– Will also douse new owners with bath salts upon purchase.

Texas Sen. Brandon Creighton collapses on Senate floor during permitless carry debate
–– He had no permission!

Seattle Police Department losing officers at 'record pace' amid budget uncertainty, lack of support: officials
–– Deputize protesters –– they’re always patrolling streets.

4 Years After an Execution, a Different Man’s DNA Is Found on the Murder Weapon
–– Death jam records.

Mother records school employee using paddle on daughter
–– Now she’s up creek without one.

‘You are wonderful': JFK love letters to Swedish mistress up for sale
–– J Effin’ K.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Is No Longer the Governor of California. Right?
–– Uh, no, New York Times, not since 2011. Are you okay?

Oscars Rejecting Anthony Hopkins’ Zoom Was a Slap in the Face to This Viewer with Chronic Illness
–– Who now has constant tingling in left cheek.

Taika Waititi takes on another wacky comedy role as murderous pirate Blackbeard
–– Taika: Why did he?

Billy Crystal blasts cancel culture 'minefield': 'I don't like it'
–– Are we Crystal clear?

Celebrate Star Wars Day: May the Fourth be with you
–– The revenge of this shit?

–– One MARVELS that first piece of dreck rated sequel.

–– Is in headline.

Doctor Strange scene was cut from the 'WandaVision' finale so a 'white guy' wouldn't save the day
–– Praise Dormammu!

Noel Clarke Accused of Sexual Harassment on ‘Doctor Who’ Set
–– Clarke barred.

Red Hot Chili Peppers to Sell Entire Song Catalog for $140 Million
–– To what spicy meatball?

The Brilliant Stupidity of Robert Palmer’s 1986 No. 1 Hit, ‘Addicted to Love’
–– The mediocre idiocy of critics.

IHOP turned away Adam Sandler. Now it's trying to make it up to him
–– By getting all syrupy.

Who Is the Killer in "Mare of Easttown?" We've Got Some Theories
–– Wild guess: toxic white guy?

'Mrs. Doubtfire' Star Lisa Jakub Expertly Answers What 'Happened To Her' Question
–– How about'who cares' reponse?

‘Emily in Paris’ Sampled by 58 Million Netflix Households Worldwide
–– Like steaming soupçon of merde.

Sebastian Stan and Lily James get tatted up in jaw-dropping Pam & Tommy first look
–– Why not just release restored sex tape with 4K transfer, Dolby Surround Sound (mostly slurping.)

Conan O'Brien Sets End Date for TBS Show
–– End of an error.

Gwyneth Paltrow says she didn't teach her kids about sex: 'They came home and they had been taught everything'
–– Except jade egg part.

Billie Eilish on exploitation and not letting herself 'be owned anymore'
–– Gee, it’s gotten so complicated being an exhibitionist!

The woman with the impossible waist: how Betty Brosmer inspired Billie Eilish
–– The news story that’s an impossible waste.

Paulina Porizkova didn't need photoshop to land on the cover of Vogue Czechoslovakia
–– That was her ochlupení.

Kate Winslet Describes Being Awestruck By 'Mythical' Wawa
–– Convenience stores! Regular people are so… so quaint.

How 'Pink Skies Ahead' director Kelly Oxford filmed her own panic attack: 'I felt like I was losing my mind'
–– Fire up those VCRs!

NBC, Lilly Singh to End Late-Night Show
–– Singh without a trace.

Bill and Melinda Gates are ending their marriage
–– Ladies!

If Bill and Melinda Gates can’t make a marriage work, what hope is there for the rest of us?
–– Yeah, they both seem like such warm, fun people.

Kathie Lee Gifford Reveals She's in a New Relationship: He 'Is So Much Fun to Be with'
–– ‘And it’s definitely not microsoft, ‘wink, wink’.

New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo Says Broadway Can Reopen on May 19
–– Wants to give big hand. Did you notice how big his are?

This man became financially independent at 36 and says the key to happiness is ‘owning your own time’
–– Flashes insanely overpriced Rolex.

MLB Umpire Brian O'Nora Among 14 Arrested in Ohio Human Trafficking Sting
–– Talk about foul balls.

Rat or Raccoon? Mets Win Third Straight as Francisco Lindor Downplays Tunnel Chat
–– So far his season’s been dog.

Why you need to bring a Turkish towel when you travel again
–– To cover lap while you ‘pull taffy.’

One of the world's best restaurants is going vegan
–– Former best restaurant.

Saffron gang accused of passing off Iranian spice as prized Spanish variety
–– We hear they’re yellow.

When to stop drinking caffeine to get a good night's sleep
–– Age 28.

Scientists identify gut bacteria linked to neurodegenerative conditions
–– Can you stomach results?

The night Lincoln was assassinated, his new bodyguard went missing
–– Not in ticket Booth?

French far-right leader acquitted of breaching hate speech laws
–– Le Pigpen.

Belgian farmer moves border with France by mistake
–– Thought it was other pile of manure.

Pandora ditching mined diamonds for lab-grown ones
— Or non-diamonds.

Peloton recalls all treadmills after a child's death and 70 injuries
–– Takes steps.

Spanx’s faux leather leggings are totally worth their price tag
–– Are they pleather to put on?

Grocery chain says 'hero pay' forcing them to close stores
–– Deli workers going back to sub wages.

Verizon to sell off media brands Yahoo, AOL for $5 billion
–– Buyer: 'You got nailed.'

Wasps have a bad rap. This summer, let's learn to love them
–– Pet them with swollen, pustular fingers.

Wyoming backs coal with $1.2M threat to sue other states
–– Threaten to have Liz Cheney run in them.

Colombia's bloody protests could be a warning to the region
–– Or just Colombia being Colombia.

Mexico worries about scorn if another drug lord is released
–– Don’t you dare bully the narco coddlers!

Group of endangered condors take up residence outside of a California woman's home
–– In condorminiums?

Racist Phrase Found Etched on Native American Petroglyphs in Utah
–– Authorities suspect Church of Latter Day Sinners.

Polar Bear-Grizzly Hybrids, Aka Pizzly Bears, May Be Growing More Common Because of Climate Crisis
–– Call them mutts at your own risk.

A Liechtenstein prince is accused of killing one of Europe's biggest bears
–– Bears responsibility.

Giant fish found in Detroit River may be over 100 years old
–– Or, living in Detroit, 50 and looking that way.

Why do dead whales keep washing up in San Francisco?
–– Like, what are they thinking?

My ‘Octopus Teacher’ Is Not an Octopus
–– No, it’s Academy-award-winning documentary.

What Are the Benefits of CBD Oil for Dogs and Where to Buy It Online
–– And how high do you have to be to ask?

Scientists Have Studied the Mysterious Behavior of Cats Sitting on Squares
–– Why not on heps?

Bats Raised in Helium-Rich Air Reveal a Key to Echolocation
–– And squeaklocation.

The Tories, in a stroke of political genius, have punished people so much, they now vote Tory
–– Tory, aim us.

Four months into Brexit, the UK and France have resorted to gunboat diplomacy over fish
–– Shell fish?

‘We’re piggy in the middle’: Brexit has made life impossible, say Jersey fishers
–– Like one of these?

A 330-ton fatberg is clogging an English city's sewer, and it won't move for weeks
–– Or suet system.

You can now drink beer made by the Queen -- or, at least, her estate
–– She spits in every other bottle.

Kate Middleton Is Surprising Londoners Today — by Hiding Her Charity Book Around the City!
–– You will want to hide it, too.

How Holbein left clever clue in portrait to identify Henry VIII’s queen
–– Neon pink I’m Anne of Cleves Not Catherine Howard t-shirt.

Reaching ‘Herd Immunity’ Is Unlikely in the U.S., Experts Now Believe
–– Trumped by herd mentality.

The U.S. Birthrate Has Dropped Again. The Pandemic May Be Accelerating the Decline.
–– As herd thins self in other ways.

Narendra Modi pays price at the polls as India suffers another day of record deaths
–– Aw, poor guy!

Modi presses ahead with $1.8 billion parliament renovation even as Covid-19 ravages India
–– $50 mil for panic rooms alone.

John Oliver lambastes 'fear baboon' Tucker Carlson for 'spreading bulls**t' about COVID vaccines
–– Face certainly resembles one.

Olympia Dukakis, Oscar-winning 'Moonstruck' actress, has died
–– Olympia has fallen.

Wynn Hammer, Top-Notch Still Photographer on TV and Movie Sets, Dies at 97
–– Lose Hammer.