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Keeping It Rail
Week of 04/30/21

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Joe Biden riding an amusement park small-scale train like Walt Disney as he waves while passing a Biden-Land sign.To Promote His Infrastructure Plan, Biden Revisits ‘Amtrak Joe’ Days
–– Acela rates push?

Pope enables Vatican prosecutions of cardinals, bishops
–– The Holy Sue.

Water bill may open spigot for Biden infrastructure plan
–– And headlines that are all wet.

Kevin McCarthy’s Hot Take On Joe Biden’s Speech To Congress Goes Awry
–– Took a hot one on Senate floor.

Biden Says White Supremacists Have Replaced Jihadists as ‘Most Lethal Terrorist Threat’ to U.S.
–– Lazy clowns who think insurrection is 'Gee, hard?'

Jimmy Kimmel gently tells MyPillow's Mike Lindell he thinks Lindell's old crack habit made him paranoid
–– Rock on!

The purr-fect addition? White House prepares to add a cat to family - but there's one Major problem
–– POTUS in boots?

Biden telling transgender youth ‘your president has your back’ prompts strong emotions: ‘Did I cry? Yes, I did’
–– Weep the people.

US immigration agencies ordered to end use of terms 'alien' and 'assimilation'
–– Can still say 'separated', 'stranded'?

Stringer, Facing Sexual Harassment Accusation, Loses Key Endorsements
–– Turd Stringer.

The Liz Cheney fist bump that will launch a thousand negative ads
–– Five finger discount.

Men with badges tried to stop CNN reporter, and they weren't police
–– Yellow-painted plastic ones that read SHERRIF.

South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem sues Biden over Mt. Rushmore July 4 fireworks display
–– Noem nuts.

US investigating possible mysterious directed energy attack near White House
–– Sounds positively mysterious.

Blinken says US withdrawal from Afghanistan will concentrate the minds of 'free riders' in the region
–– Uber offering special deals to Taliban?

Al Qaeda promises 'war on all fronts' against America as Biden pulls out of Afghanistan
–– And all behinds.

Hillary Clinton, Condi Rice sound alarm over Afghanistan troop withdrawal
–– Code Rodham, Condi minimum.

New York to lose House seat -- and an Electoral College vote -- after falling 89 residents short in census count
–– Did census violence.

Top Kansas court upholds law barring 'wrongful birth' suits
–– And ‘wrongful birthday suits.’

Bidenomics explained: Why building the economy from the middle out might be the most revolutionary concept in modern politics
–– Or how everything Old is new again.

Bombshell Letter: Gaetz Paid for Sex With Minor, Wingman Says
–– Written in glitter crayons.

Biden's stimulus delivered a bigger tax cut to lower-income Americans than the 2017 GOP reform, report shows
–– Even Matt Gaetz' teen stimulus did that.

Rep. Lauren Boebert produced a space blanket and covered her lap with it during Biden's address to Congress
–– To keep her brains warm.

Federal agents execute search warrant on Rudy Giuliani's apartment
–– Hang document from chandelier until dead.

Warrant for Giuliani's phones and computers seeks communications with over a dozen people
–– And various cartoon characters.

‘Rudy’s an idiot' who 'drinks too much': Michael Cohen relishes Giuliani's legal woes and predicts he'll flip on Trump
–– At least Cohen doesn’t tipple.

Michael Cohen: Rudy Giuliani Will “Absolutely” Rat Out Ivanka, Don Jr., and Trump to Save Himself
–– Oh, Mickey, ever the optimist.

’Does he think we're that dumb?': Cabrera slams GOP leader's comments
–– You are still registered Republican.

Suspect in Capitol riot who left a note for Nancy Pelosi says he called her the 'less offensive' 'biatch,' not 'b----' in new argument for bail
–– Sounds like biatch of BS.

A book published almost 25 years ago predicted that the 'Next New Deal' would follow a period of great social unrest in 2020 - and that millennials would take the reins after decades of boomer rule
–– And we’re happy to push sales with this idiotic ‘follow-up.’

New York Post temporarily deletes, then edits false story that claimed Harris' book was given out in migrant 'welcome kits'
–– Ass hola.

Biden vowed to end the death penalty. Activists are demanding action as he nears the 100-day mark
–– Dumb men walking.

GOP congressman: Loyalty to a 'low-dollar fundraising base' is concerning
–– And a low-IQ one?

76K California violent, career felons get earlier releases
–– Which benefits Caitlin Jenner's gubernatorial campaign?

Ghislaine Maxwell appears with bruised face in first picture from New York prison
–– Pleased at punch?

A newly signed Georgia bill would make daylight-saving time permanent so criminals will have 'one less hour in the evening to commit their crimes,' official says
–– General Assembley commits its crimes in broad daylight.

’Cleanup on aisle insurrection': Avlon slams McCarthy's remarks
–– Aisle pass.

Woman taken as a baby reunites with her swamp rescuer. But questions linger over her disappearance
–– And those half-human, half-gator young 'uns.

The trend making the internet wholesome again
–– Like in 1950s?

Let’s Launch a Moonshot for Meatless Meat
–– How about you take meaty moon shot.

The (Mostly White) Power Brokers Running Hollywood
–– You mean ones who built, own it?

TV Ratings: Oscars Plummet to Record Low, Down 58% Compared to Last Year
–– Leaving only oldsters who couldn’t figure out how to change channelh on remote.

The Oscars Weren’t Good, but They Channeled a Movie Industry in Transition
–– Is damnation greater the fainter the praise?

Francis Ford Coppola on Awards Show Overload: "Too Much of a Good Thing Is Not a Good Thing"
–– And bad thing is just bad thing.

How the Theme Song to Oscar Winner 'Another Round' Became Denmark's Drinking Anthem
–– Dane what comes naturally.

Ava DuVernay Isn’t Up for an Oscar, but It’s Still Her Night
–– Did she really deserve that?

Ma Rainey' wigmaker makes Oscars history
–– For coiffed curlies on black bottom?

Hollywood’s Anti-Black Bias Costs It $10 Billion a Year
–– Figure sounds like shot in dark.

Daniel Kaluuya mentioned his mom's sex life in his Oscars speech. She was not impressed
–– Sounded like audition for tipsy spokesperson for Kahlua.

Zendaya stuns Oscars red carpet in Cher-inspired Valentino gown
–– And flash grenades left over from last Spider-man shoot.

Jeopardy! Contestant Calls Alleged White Power Hand Sign ‘Terrible Misunderstanding’
–– Who’s a Proud Boy?

Over 400 Former Jeopardy! Participants Demand Apology Over Contestant’s Alleged ‘White Power’ Gesture
–– Quotient quotables.

Fort Jackson soldier arrested after a video showed him pushing and threatening a young Black man
–– ‘Honoring’ Gen. Stonewall Jackson.

Derek Chauvin's conviction is progress but not 'true justice' for people of color facing police violence, activists say
–– Chauvin down throat.

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis denies systemic racism exists. Critics say his state's new voting law is a clear example.
–– Poll attacks.

Graham denies systemic racism exists in US and says 'America's not a racist country'
–– Whew, that settles that!

‘Trying to tell us the sky is not blue': Omar reacts to Graham's remarks
–– Rainbow: First Blood Part II.

Republicans ask Biden to withdraw 'divisive' proposal to teach more Black history
–– Don't want teachers to slave over books.

White official fired for refusing to refer to Black professor as 'doctor'
–– Dis pose.

This "too cool for school" s--- doesn't work': James Carville says Democrats have a 'wokeness' problem
–– Senior suffers hip displeasure.

Biden’s approval rating is historically consistent
–– Americans blessedly have forgotten he’s in office.

Captain America 4 in the Works with Falcon and the Winter Soldier EP Malcolm Spellman
–– As reward for totally shanking current series.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus apparently had to be smuggled onto the set of Falcon And The Winter Soldier
–– Still wearing disguise after embarrassing cameo.

The Falcon and the Winter Soldier' star Emily VanCamp says the big reveal about her character 'made perfect sense'
–– When 'perfect' means 'no.'

No, Bucky Wasn’t Revealing He’s Bi in That ‘Falcon and Winter Soldier’ Scene, Says Director
–– We hear he's try-sexual, and wanted to busta Cap in his ass.

Lupita Nyong’o Confirms Ryan Coogler 'Reshaped' Black Panther 2 to Be 'Respectful' of Chadwick Boseman
–– Padded glutes streamlined in reworked footage.

Huge leak may reveal Marvel’s next big villain to battle the Avengers
–– We know he has bladder issues…

‘She looks nothing like Lucy': Photos of Nicole Kidman as Lucille Ball spark casting debate online
–– But she looks exactly like Lucy in this concept art.

Rebel Wilson on Her Newest Role: L.A. Rams Super Fan
–– One that actually fits her range.

Joseph Fiennes Says Shooting ‘Handmaid’s Tale’ During the Pandemic Left Him ‘Mildly Depressed and Hugely Emotional’
–– Viewers hugely depressed and mildly emotional.

Kiefer Sutherland and Jason Patric explain how they reconciled after Julia Roberts love triangle
–– Hot drunken sex.

Reese Witherspoon Says Her Career Would Have Been Different If People Treated Her Like Britney Spears
–– Can she go back in time, shave her head, act crazy and see?

Victoria Beckham Says She Has 'an Entire Bucket' of Her Kids' Teeth as Daughter Harper Loses a Tooth
–– And not just her childrens’!

Tom Cruise reportedly saved his co-star Elisabeth Shue from being killed by spinning helicopter blades
–– Was almost Shue fly pie.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Isn't Scared Of Death, It Just 'P***es' Him Off
–– But he’ll pee back.

Adult Flintstones Follow-Up, Bedrock, in Development at Fox — Elizabeth Banks to Voice Pebbles, Serve as Producer
–– Title is nickname for Fred's enormous, stiff member.

Pixar Staff Speaks Out Against Disney Moving Its Films to Streaming Only: ‘It’s Hard to Grasp’
–– 'Like a greased-up Dash Parr.'

Citizen Kane Loses 100 Percent 'Fresh' Rotten Tomatoes Score After a Negative 80-Year-Old Review Is Unearthed
–– Which surprisingly praised Susan Alexander Kane’s aria.

Willow Smith Opens Up About What It Means To Be Polyamorous
–– ‘Um, you fuck around.’

Janet Mock Says ‘F– Hollywood’ at ‘Pose’ Premiere: ‘Why Am I Making $40,000 an Episode?’
–– Is Mock for real?

Barefoot Elon Musk says 'a bunch of people will probably die' getting to Mars
–– Puts on shoes, specifies ‘like a couple dozen.’

Elon Musk will host SNL in May. Yes, THAT Elon Musk
–– But no, the other SATURDAY NIGHT LOSER.

Madonna, 62, kisses boyfriend, 27, in birthday selfies: 'Let's get unconscious'
–– Him: ‘You already are 12 hours a day.’

'Just hire a fat actor': Sarah Paulson faces backlash for allegedly wearing a fat suit for her latest role
–– She is by Hollywood standards.

“I Have the Career I Started Out Wanting": Ewan McGregor on Reviving Obi-Wan and "Going to the Extremes" to Play Halston
–– Aim low, we always say.

‘Mad Max' superyacht concept powered by airplane jet engines
–– Oh, yeah, the famous dingo on the superyacht scene!

Microsoft is retiring its default font, and it wants your help choosing a new one
–– Because when you think typographic elegance you think Clippy.

After finding a Christmas wish list tied to a balloon, this man drove hundreds of miles to make two little girls' dreams come true
–– Dream of getting idiot to drive hundreds of miles over made-up wish list stunt.

Seattle Police Department losing officers at 'record pace' amid budget uncertainty, lack of support: officials
–– Seattle slew.

Heroic Dog Rescues Abandoned Kitten in Heartwarming Viral Video
–– More heartworming.

Gun-toting ‘Mamalitia’ Accused of Intimidating Public Health Officials
–– In newest algorithm-generated Netflix movie gone totally off tracks.

Child accused of torturing, setting dog on fire won’t be charged, Mississippi police say
–– Sent to room for unforgivable ‘hot dog’ jokes.

Body pulled out of Texas lake had same clothes as missing Dallas beauty queen
–– In damnedest coincidence you ever did see.

Man bowls perfect game with his father's ashes inside the ball
–– Strikes us as morbid.

People kept ordering it even though it wasn’t on Chick-fil-A’s menu. It is now
–– ‘Something that won’t make me urp.’

A major chlorine shortage is set to spoil summertime fun in the swimming pool
–– As long as urine-indicator dye doesn't run low.

’Funky pickles' seized by Border Protection turn out to be $4 million worth of meth
–– Best new dope slang 2021.

Feds launch human smuggling investigation after police find more than 90 people in Houston home
–– Don’t accept explanation it was gala weeks-long Welcome to America party?

I’m An Autistic Sex Worker, And Here’s Why It Works For Me
–– Helps me wrap lips around big wads.

Bride faces backlash over 'insane' menu at her wedding reception: 'I want to skip the event'
–– Canapés laced with hallucinogens.

Mountain lion’s ‘unusual’ appearance in Texas national park sparks a mystery
–– Eyepatch, parrot on shoulder hard to explain.

In alligator walks into a fire station in Florida. No, this isn’t the start of a joke
–– Especially for one-legged Chief 'Stumpy' Smith.

New pumpkin toadlet species found—and it secretly glows in the dark
–– But tastes awful in pie even with spice.

100-year-old sturgeon one of the largest ever caught in the US, Michigan officials say
–– Hadn’t operated since the 90s.

Kentucky Derby overshadowed by calls for Sheikh Mohammed's horse to be banned amid concerns over his daughter
–– Or made to run wearing a gutrah.

Researchers announce world's first known case of pregnant mummy
–– C’mon, first? A daddy, maybe.

Odd fossil found in Mississippi gravel is ‘a needle in a haystack’ from the Ice Age
–– Not more 'pebble in an ice floe?'

US: Nuclear waste tank in Washington state may be leaking
–– May day?

We spent a week with Apple’s new AirTag — it’s worth it
–– Get lost!

Biden says China is betting the US can't keep up with autocracy
–– Might take odds if you were Beijing man.

Princess Diana's wedding dress to go on display after William and Harry agree to loan
–– Was to Di for.

Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall's Son Says It 'Hasn't Been Decided' if She'll Be Called 'Queen'
–– ‘Her Horsiness’ being mulled.

Tony Blair has a mullet now, and it's disturbing Britain
–– Much preferred him with kipper.

Thousands protest in Paris to denounce court ruling that killer of Jewish woman can't stand trial
–– But he simply can’t –– it upsets him too much.

A mayor who raped a junior staff member in his office continues to run the town from his prison cell
–– Fitted with glory hole!

Saudi Crown Prince’s Vision for Neom, a Desert City-State, Tests His Builders
–– And not just because he warmed he’d chop them into small pieces if he’s displeased.

Nigerian kidnap kingpin reneges on amnesty deal
–– And if you can’t trust kidnap kingpin…

Turkmenistan now has a national holiday in honor of its 'wolf-crusher' dogs
–– Because if you live in Turkmenistan there isn’t much else to celebrate.

‘Firefighters Out There in the Snow’: Wildfires Rage Early in Parched West
–– Tinder swipes wrong.

Parts of Caribbean island of St. Vincent unrecognizable after volcano erupts
–– Yep, we definitely don’t recognize it.

Prime Minister Narendra Modi could have prevented India's devastating Covid-19 crisis, critics say. He didn't
–– Country now in panic Modi.

Covid-19 exposed populist leaders like Modi and Trump
–– Who already suffered from cronyvirus.

Indian government says it has more than 12 million Covid-19 vaccines, rebutting shortage reports
–– Yeah, that should cover pop. of 1.366 bil.

Can You Have Alcohol After the Covid Vaccine?
–– Only real question is, 'During?'

People are ready to have sex again: Condom sales are surging
–– Throbbing? Thrusting? Exploding?

Joe Rogan Admits He's A 'F**king Moron' For Offering Selfish COVID-19 Vaccine Advice
–– A 'f**king moron’ if he thinks it’s just that.

A vaccine maker ruined 15 million doses. Its CEO sold $11 million of stock before that was public
–– From coinky-dink file.

‘Bat Out of Hell’ Star Lena Hall on the Genius of Jim Steinman, a Writer Who Saw No Distinction Between Stage Music and Rock
–– It was all bombastic power chords to him.

Eli Broad, Who Helped Reshape Los Angeles, Dies at 87
–– In Broad strokes.