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Hot Air Balloons
Week of 04/23/21

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

In Paris Climate Envoy John Kerry cuts a baguette in half and releases a cloud of greenhouse gas.Biden commits to cutting U.S. emissions in half by 2030 as part of Paris climate pact
–– Will then redesignate as house gas.

Progressives swoon over Ellison role in Chauvin trial
–– Hot DA McGuilty.

How to Watch Joe Biden, 40 World Leaders Discuss Climate Change
–– Cringing, with eyes closed.

Climate Activists Dump Cow Poop Outside White House to Protests Biden’s Plan
–– Is there methane to their madness?

In Earth Day message, pope warns that planet is "at the brink"
–– In edgy statement.

China's Xi 'Welcomes U.S. Return to Multilateralism' on Climate Change
–– Gee, Xi, that means a lot to the ol’ US of A.

Thunberg Keeps on Trolling World Leaders with ‘Bunny Hugger’ Twitter Bio
–– Which is where you want debate on survival of humanity.

Minnesota gasps at the financial damage it faces from the Texas freeze
–– And how effin' cold it still is in April.

Report pinpoints billions in available U.S. funds to revive coal country
–– Just discovered mattress in Senate cloakroom stuffed with $38 bil.

‘Mr President?': Biden and Putin suffer awkward silence in climate summit technical glitch
–– Relationship on last lag.

Putin says ‘I hope that no one dares to cross the red line in respect to Russia’ in state-of-the-nation speech
–– He draws in dirt with blood of victims he keeps around.

Thousands of Russians take to the streets in support of Alexei Navalny
–– Saying, 'Alexei, play protest songs.'

Navalny moved to prison hospital as allies say he could die in "days"
–– Almost ready to Vladline.

Top Kremlin critic Alexei Navalny says he's a 'skeleton walking, swaying, in its cell'
–– Doesn't strike funny bone.

Here’s what makes US spy agencies so much more worried about China than Russia
–– Pop. 1.398 bil?

China might be purging Bill Gates' and Steve Jobs' biographies from 240 million students' reading lists to eliminate 'veneration of the West'
–– Hoping it will make it harder to sue Chinese tech for trademark infringement.

90-year-old Hong Kong woman loses $32 million in phone scam
–– Still awaiting delivery of 10 million charming figurines.

What’s behind Armenians’ long battle to secure a U.S. designation of genocide?
–– Not a lot else going on.

Judge Struggles Releasing Capitol Defendant Who Claimed He Was On 'Mission' From God
–– Afraid Devil would disapprove?

US Capitol Police officer allegedly told units to only monitor for 'anti-Trump' protesters on January 6
–– So were 100% successful.

How Derek Chauvin became the rare police officer convicted of murder
–– Has only own sad, sick self to blame.

Derek Chauvin is in a restricted housing unit in prison for his safety
–– Don’t know what to do with first convicted cop.

Justice Department launches investigation into Minneapolis policing practices
–– Ones they gave sworn testimony don’t exist?

Reactions To Rep. Maxine Waters' Calls To "Stay In The Street"
–– Still Waters runs shallow.

Opinion: Derek Chauvin’s dope-fiend defense is part of an old playbook. But it’s outdated.
–– Lawyers need to get hip to designer drugs.

Pig’s blood was smeared on the former home of the use-of-force expert who testified for the defense in Chauvin's trial, police say
–– Couldn't they have just tp'd if they were unsure of address?

Police fatally shoot carjacking suspect near Minneapolis
–– No protests from car thieves?

Why Political Sectarianism Is a Growing Threat to American Democracy
–– And why media keeps pouring on gasoline?

‘Did I strike a nerve?': Demings, Jordan have heated exchange over law enforcement
–– Do sponges even have nervous sytems?

Demings ‘seriously considering’ challenging DeSantis or Rubio
–– The Sunshine Boys.

Opinion: Ben Carson: Moving our focus from equality to equity won’t defeat racism. It’s another kind of racism.
–– Wow, tough room.

Watching Black People Die Every Day Is Not Normal
–– But like everyone else they do.

Opinion: Howard’s removal of classics is a spiritual catastrophe
–– They'll still have Kanye's oeuvre.

Howard Dean Drops The Hammer On GOP: Racists, Conspiracy Theorists, Whack Jobs
–– Has a scream.

Tennessee Woman Expresses Regret for Calling Police on Black Teen Who Was Dating Her Daughter After He Was Fatally Shot
–– Though she still doesn’t want daughter seeing dead people.

Judge resigns after admitting to using n-word and saying all lives matter while at work
–– Pleaded n-word contendre.

Pelosi says in new book that Trump's 2016 victory felt 'like a mule kicking you in the back over and over again'
–– Not Democrat Donkey who’d lost?

Hawley Explains Why He Was Sole Vote Against Ant-Asian Crime Bill
–– ‘I hate those people.’

Trump’s fight with Murkowski roils GOP with new Alaska Senate challenger emerging
–– Temp pissed in a teapot.

Caitlyn Jenner’s Trump Ties Costs Her Endorsement from CA LGBTQ Group
–– Also sticklers for tenses agreeing.

Bush tells Congress to cool it on immigration rhetoric, hopes to set 'more respectful' tone
–– Wishes raindrops were lemon drops.

Bush says he wrote in Condoleezza Rice for president in 2020
–– So proud he can spell name.

John Cornyn Says He Doesn't Think Biden Is Mentally Unfit; He Was Just Quoting An Article
–– Quoting title of article we saw somewhere: ‘John Cornyn Is an Asshole.’

Boehner said the Capitol riot was 'one of the saddest days' of his life and he would rather set himself 'on fire than run for office again'
–– Could try both.

Hollywood star Matthew McConaughey has a double-digit lead over Gov. Greg Abbott in latest Texas gubernatorial poll
–– Dallas Viers Club.

Publisher pauses promotion of Blake Bailey’s best-selling Philip Roth biography over sexual assault claims
–– Bailey legal.

Hugh Jackman talks future of 'The Music Man' after abuse allegations against producer Scott Rudin surface
–– 76 Jawbones make a big charade.

‘Mad Max' prequel 'Furiosa' will be the biggest film ever shot in Australia
–– Without adorable roos.

Alfred Molina Is Probably In Marvel Jail After Spoiling 'Spider-Man' Sequel
–– Ock, mon!

Demi Lovato apologizes for shaming frozen yogurt shop
–– Screw Citizens United: companies have feelings and they can be hurt!

Kelly Osbourne debuts new hair after relapse: 'New outlook'
–– Her pixie dust cut.

De Niro unable to turn down acting roles because of his ‘estranged wife's expensive lifestyle’
–– Life in the Hightower!

As a kid, I loved Judy Blume’s books. As an adult, I wonder: How do they read today?
–– Still left to right, page after page.

The Falcon And The Winter Soldier stumbled under the weight of Captain America’s legacy
–– Ended up sorta panty shield.

Dave Bautista Held a Meeting with Warner Bros. to Tell the Studio He’s Going to Play Bane
–– Makes self real Bane in ass.

Angelina Jolie Says 'Change In My Family Situation' Forced Her Return To Acting
–– ‘A year of frickin’ lockdown with those kids!’

Samuel Little Says He Killed 93 People. Why Don’t You Know His Name?
–– He’s Little known?

The dog did it: Woman blames killing of ex on family dog — but what about the bullet holes?
–– Was English Bulletdog?

Dog Tucks in Sleeping Baby at Night in Adorable Viral Video
–– Kid won’t even miss arm.

Dog Crashes Track Meet And Wins Race, Paws Down
–– In script even Disney+ rejected.

Police: Arrested Michigan lawmaker warned he'd call governor
–– His actions beyond the bail.

Why the Worst N.B.A. Player Is (Probably) Still Better Than You
–– As a human being, you degenerate.

Blinken authorizes US diplomatic missions to fly LGBTQ Pride flag
–– Makes rainbow connection.

White House removes scientist picked by Trump official to lead key climate report
–– Decided name Dr. Betsy Weatherhead too on the nose.

Climate crisis has shifted the Earth’s axis, study shows
–– Claim spin doctors.

We may be accidentally putting the brakes on evolution
–– These last 21 years have been evolution?

Congress faces renewed pressure on gun control after Indiana’s red-flag law fails to thwart FedEx shooter
–– Current gun laws checkered-flag.

In the age of active shooters, a new mantra has emerged: 'Run. Hide. Fight.'
–– Who? People you’re hiding with?

Neighbor who tossed an elderly Jewish woman off a balcony while yelling 'Allahu Akbar' avoids trial because he smoked weed
–– Sure was just Jihad-baked.

Jaleel White is launching his own cannabis brand, and yes it includes 'Purple Urkle'
–– And China White in back room.

European Super League crumbles after majority of teams announce withdrawal
–– Decided costumes with capes looked too silly.

Apple will let Parler back on the App Store
–– Parler-vous Supremacist?

The Correct Way to Wear Your Fitbit or Apple Watch (You’re Doing It Wrong)
–– With face covered in shame.

Scientists Use Laser Paintbrush to Craft Mini Version of van Gogh's 'Starry Night'
–– Looks like shit, but …Yippee?

Everything to Know About the 93rd Oscars: Nominees, Presenters and What Makes This Year Different
–– It sucks waaay more than usual.

Goodbye to the Worst Oscar Season Ever, and Apologies to the Good Movies Stuck in It
–– Requires briefest apology in history.

Martin Scorsese to make "three-year series" about Christianity with Paul Schrader
–– God Fellas.

Kathryn Hahn Wrapped ‘WandaVision’ by Gifting Elizabeth Olsen a Box of Magic Witch Stones
–– Or ‘stones.’

Chrissy Teigen reveals friendship with Meghan, the Duchess of Sussex
–– But what could these needy exhibitionists have in common?

Tig Notaro is 'sexy A.F.' She doesn't know what that is
–– We certainly can't explain that comment.

Lizzo Says She Has 'Nothing to Hide' About Her Body: 'There's No Shame Anymore'
–– No, there really isn’t.

Sarah Michelle Gellar Hasn’t Aged a Day Since Buffy in This Stunning New Bikini Photo
–– So she’s vampire?

Watch Justin Bieber perform 'Lonely' for California prisoners
–– See them hang selves with torn sheets.

Kevin Spacey accused of groping 'House of Cards' production assistant: report
–– Shuffled the dick?

Tom Jones Talks His 'Close' Friendship with the Late Elvis Presley, Addresses Priscilla Presley Dating Rumors
–– It’s not unusual.

Man Who Believes He's Charles And Camilla's Son Shares New 'Proof'
–– Horse face, big ears.

Pianist Kristian Bezuidenhout Plays Mozart and Beethoven As They Originally Sounded
–– Crazy and deaf.

Ghislaine Maxwell pleads not guilty to sex trafficking charges
–– Not guilty to Max?!

Lil Mosey reportedly wanted in connection with second-degree rape charge
–– Mosey on over.

Bitcoin suffers flash crash following week of crypto hype
–– And fact opioid buzz wore off.

Nevada sees lithium ‘white gold rush’ as demand set to skyrocket
–– Will need lithium to calm hysteria.

Backcountry guide mauled to death while fishing near Yellowstone National Park
–– Bass must’ve had some wide mouth.

Tyrannosaurs likely hunted in packs rather than heading out solo, scientists find
–– When they set upon prey would growl Get it On.

New Study Finds That T. Rex Walked at a Slow Pace of 3 Miles Per Hour
–– Making him

Would dinosaurs have gotten even bigger if they weren’t wiped out?
–– Feasting on cave people might’ve packed on pounds.

Did art peak 30,000 years ago? How cave paintings became my lockdown obsession
–– Were you quarantined in Lascaux, you pretentious twat?

Turtle Flies Through Car Windshield on Highway and Hits Woman on the Head
–– Shellacked her.

Hungry fruit flies are extreme ultramarathon fliers, traveling up to six million times body length
–– Couple of feet.

A new way to pay at Whole Foods: Scan your palm
–– And empty pockets.

Foxconn plant, once touted by Trump as a 13,000-job juggernaut, will now create just 1,500 jobs
–– Never a foxy con.

The 2nd victim in the Tesla crash in Texas has been named. Elon Musk and police still don't agree if the car was driving itself.
–– And they were in back seat.

Virginia Man Shot 10 Times by Police After Officers Gave Him Ride Home
–– So maybe he should have tipped.

Perseverance rover just made oxygen on Mars
–– Cut one, made methane.

Billions of Brood X Cicadas to Emerge in May and June, Bringing Noise
–– And potential origin story for newest X-man.

Bride stirs controversy after giving friend ‘unreasonable’ wedding day task: ‘You are being used’
–– But soles of shoes needed polishing while wearing.

Woman reaches for eyedrops but grabs glue instead
–– Doesn’t bat an eye.

Couple: Man has tossed used cups in their yard for 3 years
–– Crop this spring is simply Ranunculus.

Tire slasher leaves severed finger in Arizona woman's driveway
–– Tip of penis in tail pipe.

NASA flies a helicopter on Mars, the first time an aircraft has flown on another planet
–– By earthling.

Feds push to extradite Phoenix driving school owner to Iraq
–– His lessons must have been pretty awful.

Indonesia races to find missing submarine before it runs out of oxygen on Saturday
–– No luck with speed boats thus far.

Sailor Stranded Alone on Abandoned Ship for Four Year Finally Freed
–– Had jus about run out of spinach.

Saudi Arabia bans Lebanese produce over drug smuggling
–– Beirut vegetables?

New Zealand says 'uncomfortable' with expanding Five Eyes
–– Slang for nerd with glasses and monocle?

Zimbabwe to sell hunting rights for endangered elephants
–– Should be taken to tusk.

Rwanda says France bears responsibility for enabling 1994 genocide
–– Hutu they think they are?

Children born to Chernobyl survivors don’t carry more genetic mutations
–– Even in extraneous limbs.

The United States isn’t the only country where killings quickly returned after pandemic lull
–– What a relief!

Biden Administration Looks For Help With Next Phase Of Pitching COVID Vaccines
–– Needs Mariano Rivera of relievers.

CDC is considering revising its outdoor mask guidance. Here's what health experts say.
–– ‘What the hell is current CDC outdoor mask guidance?’

MIT researchers say you're no safer from Covid indoors at 6 feet or 60 feet in new study challenging social distancing policies
–– MIT researchers no safer for sanity at 600 or 6,000 miles.

Trump is desperate to get credit for the COVID-19 vaccines, but his political heartlands are reluctant to actually take them
–– Can’t farmers use robotic vaccine planters?

GOP Senator Genuinely Confused Why Vaccines Are a Big Deal
–– Ron Johnson still trying to figure out why lungs are big deal.

Charles Barkley, Shaquille O'Neal join former President Barack Obama to encourage people to get COVID-19 vaccines
–– Vaxploitation?

’I’m a prophet': Pastor discourages his congregation from taking vaccine
–– Of doom.

There’s a Name for the Blah You’re Feeling: It’s Called Languishing
–– This psychobabble nonsense had us languishing hard.

A body with Covid washed ashore. Now this Pacific island nation isn't taking any chances
–– Luau featured traditionally-carved face masks.

Damian Lewis writes emotional tribute to wife Helen McCrory following actress's death from cancer: 'Already I miss her'
–– Would normally take several weeks?

Walter 'Fritz' Mondale, former vice president under Jimmy Carter, dead at 93
–– On the Fritz.

Monte Hellman, ‘Two-Lane Blacktop’ Director, Dies at 91
–– Took exit ramp.

Hester Ford, the oldest living American, has died
–– Hearse to be Model T.

Shock G, Digital Underground frontman and 'Humpty Hump' rapper, dead at 57
–– Hump digger.

Les McKeown, frontman of 70s teen sensation Bay City Rollers, dies aged 65
–– Roller over in grave.

Actor Felix Silla, famously known for his role as Cousin Itt on 'The Addams Family,' dies at 84
–– Snuffs Itt.