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Kabul's Eyed
Week of 04/16/21

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

President Biden blows out the Twin Towers 'candles' on a 20th Anniversary in Afghanistan cake.Biden announces troops will leave Afghanistan by September 11: 'It's time to end America's longest war'
–– And the Taliban played on.

John Boehner calls Ted Cruz ‘Lucifer in the flesh’
–– Cruz: 'I skinned Satan alive, put on skin. Like I was Hannibal Lecter.'

How Biden’s team overrode the brass on Afghanistan
–– General feuds.

Biden called George W. Bush before he announced his Afghanistan troop withdrawal plan - but neither said whether Bush supported it
–– Bush claimed he 'never heard' of Afghanistan, Biden couldn't remember response.

Biden Administration to Impose Tough Sanctions on Russia
–– Will be making smoked, dried horsemeat seem tender.

U.S. Imposes Stiff Sanctions on Russia, Blaming It for Major Hacking Operation
–– Russian hackers modify text of penalties.

'Stinging rebuke': Clapper reacts to Biden's sanctions on Russia
–– Or ‘stinking.’

Biden is likely to cut about $700 billion from his infrastructure plan in compromise, Goldman says
–– Deconstruction worker.

Energy secretary: 'We don't want to use past definitions of infrastructure'
–– ‘So we’re just making shit up.’

Poll: 98% of CEOs say Biden's tax hike would have significant effect on competitiveness
–– File under ‘No way!’

Powell tells '60 Minutes' that US economy is at an 'inflection point'
–– ‘If it tanks further, a genuflection point.’

Florida woman charged for allegedly threatening to kill Kamala Harris
–– Florida Woman really giving Florida Man run for money.

Ted Cruz Responds to John Boehner's Scathing Memories of Him as a 'Jackass'
–– Brays stupidly.

John Boehner on how history will judge presidents he’s known. Trump: ‘I don’t think very well’
–– Is that quote of Trump’s or Boehner’s own admission?

Texas Sen. Cruz opposes hate crimes bill, says it won’t ‘prevent or punish actual crimes’
–– 'And I hate hate crime haters.'

‘Crock Of S**t': Ex-Fox Host Gretchen Carlson Rips Network Over Tucker Carlson
–– Slooow cooked.

Liberty University files lawsuit against former president Jerry Falwell Jr.
–– Was he at Liberty to discuss?

“You’re not a one-person show": Pelosi unloads on "The Squad" in new biography
–– “AOC ya later!”

Trump spent several minutes insulting 'dumb son of a b---h' Mitch McConnell during a rambling speech to GOP donors at Mar-a-Lago, say reports
–– Mitch slapped.

What Mika Brzezinski Did When She Read Trump’s ‘Bleeding Facelift’ Tweet
–– Tried to make sad expression.

Mike Pence undergoes surgery to have pacemaker implanted
–– Hospital throws in monkey brain for free.

Mike Pompeo and his wife misused State Department resources, federal watchdog finds
–– Pompeod up expense account.

Would You Spend $899 for a Kitty Scratcher?
–– Only if it’s use is as dirty as we imagine.

The Rock for president? I’ll run if the people want it, says Dwayne Johnson
–– MTV gears up annoying Vote the Rock campaign.

NYPD Retiree Charged In Capitol Cop Attack Shocked He's Jailed With 'Inner-City' Inmates
–– Should be with ‘outer-limits’ ones.

Proud Boys leader is arguing he shouldn't be sent back to jail, since other accused Capitol rioters are being beaten and threatened by guards
–– Proud as punched?

Prosecutors: Oath Keepers appeared to stash Jan. 6 firearms at suburban Comfort Inn
–– Guests assumed it was usual lumpy mattresses.

Gov. DeSantis directs Florida to close Piney Point wastewater reservoir after averting disaster
–– Takes dip to kill harmful bacteria.

’We Cannot in Good Conscience Provide Economic Support:’ Will Smith and Antoine Fuqua Pull Film Production Out of Georgia
–– Emancipation proclamation.

'Black Panther' director won't boycott Georgia for superhero sequel
–– Asks, 'Wakanda fool am I?'

Thousands of Black Panther Fans Petition to Recast Chadwick Boseman's King T'Challa to Honor Character's Legacy
–– How about they t'chillah.

You’re in the MCU for Life': Marvel Actors Break Down Their Unexpected Returns to the Franchise
–– And not beyond, Feige!

Brian Armstrong, Coinbase's CEO, is now one of the richest people on Earth
–– At least on pixel.

What the irrational price of dogecoin says about crypto investors
–– They’re dogegone crazy?

Retired Ohio sheriff and tiny K-9 partner die the same day
–– Her fangs sunk in his neck.

Port Authority cops rescue Pomeranian pooch from escalator
–– Pom wonderful?

Former Rep. Katie Hill says it's 'gross' to think that Matt Gaetz defended her to possibly cover up for 'his own indiscretions'
–– And lump in lap.

Indicted Matt Gaetz Pal Paid Former Teen's Legal Fees While Under Investigation: Politico
–– What a beautiful, generous gesture.

Trump Hung Rep. Matt Gaetz Out To Dry And Jimmy Kimmel Is Loving Every Minute Of It
–– Like he’d been peed on by couple of Muscovite hookers.

Opinion: How toxic masculinity helped kill George Floyd
–– You'd agree if you were abetting man.

Officer Who Pepper-Sprayed a Black Army Medic Is Fired
–– Assault and pepper.

Minn. police officer who shot Daunte Wright apparently meant to use Taser but accidentally fired gun, police chief says
–– Gun stunned.

Pat Robertson Can't Believe A Police Officer Could Confuse Stun Gun For Firearm
–– Tased and confused.

Obama: Daunte Wright shooting shows "just how badly we need to reimagine policing"
–– Beginning by imagining cops who don’t panic, draw from wrong holster.

Officer charged with 2nd-degree manslaughter in Daunte Wright killing
–– Daunte’s inferno.

Clyburn says 'we've got to have police officers' after Tlaib calls for 'no more policing'
–– Cop: a plea.

Lawyer for the police officer who shot Adam Toledo complained that people hadn't asked how his client was doing
–– Holy Toledo!

Mother of teen killed by trooper mourns 'awesome young man'
–– White kid during killing season merits one headline.

Mother of suspect in FedEx shooting said in 2020 he might try to "commit suicide by cop" 
–– Why can't these sad bastards try DIY?

Authorities were warned about FedEx suspect's potential for violence in the past, sources say
–– Real trigger warning.

San Antonio officer kills two after driver opens fire at traffic stop, police say
–– Texas two-stop.

Over half of police-involved killings in 2020 began after non-violent incidents
–– Shoot up fast.

Maxine Waters tells Jim Jordan to 'shut your mouth' during heated exchange with Fauci
–– Began, “You see this cat Jordan is a bad mother…”

Cops went to a Florida mom’s home on a child abuse call. Then they saw a Dr. Seuss book
–– Horton Hurts a Who!

‘Mommy did it,’ stabbed 5-year-old girl told her grandma, Pennsylvania police say
–– Being fink got her shivved in first place.

Classes canceled at Knoxville school for two days after armed student is killed in encounter with police
–– Given Hell pass.

Popcorn salad recipe brings the internet to its knees
–– It’s perpetually on all fours.

Si Woo Kim breaks putter in frustration, forced to putt with wood at the Masters
–– Has semi-hard time getting up.

Inside Cup Foods, where it seems George Floyd never left
–– Cup hasn’t had fill?

Texas man ran from Disneyland to Disney World. Here's why
–– Pluto really wanted bone back.

It’s neither Disney’s first Star Wars nor 2001 for beginners, but The Black Hole merits exploration
–– Sucks you in?

‘Bond Girl’ Talk and Groping: Albany’s Toxic Culture for Women
–– ‘Pussy' galore.

Moby says there are 'so many layers' to the Natalie Portman story
–– Each creepier than last.

’Matrix’ star Carrie-Anne Moss says she was offered a grandma role 'literally the day after my 40th birthday'
–– Had gathered some moss.

Steven Yeun Says He's 'Just Not Reactive' To Being 1st Asian American Best Actor Nominee
–– Doesn’t everyone want to be reduced to ethnic factoid?

Patrick Schwarzenegger Says Dad Arnold Uses His Famous Movie Catchphrases 'All the Time'
–– I'll be backbit.

Priyanka Chopra Went Braless Under Her Unbuttoned Blazer at the 2021 BAFTAs
–– Thought it was Golden Globes.

Paulina Porizkova on rediscovering dating and sex in her 50s: 'I'm not there to please the guy; I'm there to be pleased'
–– Not just lip service?

Paulina Porizkova, 56, poses 'full frontal nude' on cover of 'Vogue'
–– Pop-up book.

Hayley Hasselhoff makes history with curvy 'Playboy' cover: 'Your body does not define you'
–– Bottomless need for attention might.

‘Pieces of a Woman’ Has Midwives Talking About That Birth Scene
–– Womb it may concern.

Former 'Bachelor' star Colton Underwood: 'I'm gay'
–– Surprising mother, dozen viewers.

Simpsons’ Actor Hank Azaria Feels He Needs Apologize to Every Indian for Apu
–– There are about 4 mil in the US, 1.3 bil on subcontinent, so get cracking.

Lord of the Rings’ Actor: Philippa Boyens ‘Put All This Stuff’ in the Scripts ‘That Doesn’t Make Sense’
–– As opposed to totally comprehensible source material.

Stellan Skarsgård Spent 80 Hours in Makeup Trailer on ‘Dune’ Set Transforming into Villain
–– For one scene!

Vine star Adam Perkins dead at 24: 'The humor he created will go on for a generation'
–– By today’s measure of generation lasting 2.5 weeks.

Scientists will study brain of former NFL player who police say killed five people then took his own life
–– Before charging grey matter.

Super Rare LeBron James, Tom Brady Cards Expected to Fetch $5M At Auction
–– Buyers should be arrested, beaned with deflated football, have money confiscated to feed poor.

LAPD Responds to "Possible Shooting" Near Set of 'The Rookie'
–– Or possible, y’know, scene.

Rep. Lauren Boebert Has Most Useless Take On Mass Shootings Yet
–– More useless than Huffpost take on hers?

Moe Norman: The 'Rain Man' of golf who amazed even the greats of the game
–– Moe or less.

‘WTF With Marc Maron’ to Receive Top Award at Podcast Academy’s Inaugural Ambies
–– Deserves Ambiens.

Kevin Smith seeks proof that at least one person is interested in his new movie by selling it as an NFT
–– Civic-minded individual looking to save moviegoers untold pain, suffering,.

Waves sells Duck NFT “Perfection” for $1,000,000
–– With huge bill.

Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez announce breakup in new statement
–– Spare J-Rod.

Millie Bobby Brown Misses Her Signature Nail Art While on Set Of 'Stranger Things'
–– Especially 6’ photorealist portrait of masonry nail.

Thunder Force on Netflix Is Dividing the Internet
–– Between sentient, brain dead.

Rhiannon Giddens: ‘It used to be I knew everyone who was black and played the banjo’
–– ‘Now I try to shun these annoying people.’

IBM spinoff joins a long list of questionable corporate names
–– Not a Kyndryl spirit?

FL Senate votes to end ‘no-fault’ auto insurance. What would that mean for drivers?
–– More guilt trips?

Florida Driver Busts Through Gates, Leaps Over Drawbridge As It Opens
–– In saddest Fast & Furious unauthorized audition.

Female truckers have become TikTok influencers, and they're changing the transportation game
–– For .066% of 6.6% of truckers?

Toddler found walking alone near highway while mom dined with friend, Texas police say
–– What’s big deal? She gave kid money to buy own Happy Meal down road.

The Woman Who Made van Gogh
–– No, not his mother.

Charlotte family settles suit after 5-year-old son dies at Georgia rotating restaurant
–– What goes around…

Ingenuity helicopter's first flight on Mars delayed
–– Out of this whirly.

3,000-year-old city discovered and looks like it was 'left as if it were yesterday'
–– Yesterday 2,900 years ago.

Shelter places '13 lb rage machine' for adoption
–– Free except for $1 mil personal injury insurance policy.

Venomous viper bites San Diego Zoo employee, officials say. There’s no anti-venom for it
–– Annnd…?

Sydney man finds snake in lettuce bought at supermarket
–– Isssssberg?

Alligators celebrate the beginning of spring by banging their way across Florida
–– They carry tom-toms?

Bear on North Carolina coast compared to Bigfoot: ‘We weren’t even sure it was real!’
–– “At the time we were too wasted to even feel our faces, so yeah, we were uncertain.’

Hundreds of residents rally to save beavers that made a home in suburban neighborhood
–– They're dam lucky.

Breakfast burrito catches TSA agent’s attention. An ingredient led to arrest in Texas
–– Something smelled funny.

‘Medical marvel': Mom got pregnant while already pregnant
–– By fetus!

Spain acquits man of sexually abusing 14-year-old stepdaughter who gave birth to his child
–– Gives advance pass for baby after third birthday.

Israel says it will 'definitely' stop Iran from getting bomb
–– But in least non-threatening way

Prince Philip, Queen Elizabeth's longtime consort, will be laid to rest in low-key ceremony
–– Eff-minor.

Queen to sit alone and wear a face mask throughout Prince Philip's funeral
–– So she can't be seen grinning.

A tearful Prince Charles makes first public engagement since Prince Philip's death as he inspects flowers and tributes
–– Bee stung nose.

Prince Charles pays tribute to his father Prince Philip
–– ‘Why couldn’t it have been the old bat?’

Princess Eugenie promises to look after 'Granny' in heartfelt tribute to Prince Philip
–– Uncle Charles smiles malevolently.

’She made a pact with God’: why the Queen is not likely to abdicate
–– Though she was surprised almighty had horns, cloven hooves.

Prince Philip put Land Rover hearse he designed himself at heart of funeral
–– Deranged Rover.

BBC deluged with complaints over wall-to-wall Prince Philip coverage
–– More like pall-to-pall.

Duchess of Cornwall's relative accuses wife of lying about her age when they married - denying him the chance of more children
–– Was ovary protective.

One in every 125 Hongkongers is worth at least US$5 million, ranking the city fifth globally, Wealth-X survey finds
–– One in every other 125 detained for protesting rich ones.

Protests as Japan says it will dump radioactive water from crippled Fukushima nuclear plant into the Pacific
–– Will they apply panko bread crumbs to sea life before frying?

Japan scraps mascot promoting Fukushima wastewater dump
–– Little Mr. Tritium(!) imploded.

China to Japanese official: If treated radioactive water from Fukushima is safe, ‘please drink it’
–– Sake to 'em!

‘It’s a sign': Buddhist temple clock that stopped during Fukushima earthquake restarts after a decade
––– Of end times?

Brazil is building a new statue of Jesus -- and it's going to be bigger than Rio's
–– Jesus H(uge) Christ!

UN is 'very concerned' about Princess Latifa's situation and still waiting for 'proof of life'
–– Sends Equalizer Queen Latifah to investigate.

Pakistani police say wanted militant killed in shootout
–– And got it.

Cuba's Raul Castro steps down, ending the era of his famous clan at the country's helm
–– Media no say.

Vice published altered photos showing Cambodian genocide victims smiling. It unleashed an uproar.
–– Khmer ruse.

'You will be just fine,' says surgeon general of Johnson & Johnson vaccine, though pause continues
–– With fingers crossed behind back.

Snow no barrier to Brits heading for newly reopened pubs after almost 100 days of covid closure
–– Though forced to drink cold beer.

Western Warnings Tarnish Vaccines the World Badly Needs
–– What’s their metal content?

Nearly 40% of Marines have declined Covid-19 vaccine
–– Leather apparently extends past neck to top of skull.

'Peaky Blinders' actor Helen McCrory dies of cancer at 52
–– Peaky boo.

Bernie Madoff, infamous Ponzi schemer, has died
–– To be buried under pyramid.

Richard Rush, ‘The Stunt Man’ Director, Dies at 91
–– Rush to Judgment.

Former Attorney General and legal activist Ramsey Clark dies at 93
–– Far left.