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The Bullet Pulpit
Week of 04/09/21

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

President Joe Biden as Ghostbuster Venkman zapping Slimer holding Ghost Gun.Biden to Issue Executive Order Requiring Background Checks for So-Called ‘Ghost Guns’
–– Entitled 'Who You Gonna Call?'

Fox News hires Pompeo as contributor
–– Secretary of Misstate.

What the Founders would say about mass shootings
–– ‘Zounds, with these muskets we could have beaten the British in weeks!’

NRA exec sheltered on borrowed yacht after mass shootings
–– Where he stayed sharp by firing harpoon guns at crew members.

Treasury says plan to end fossil fuel subsidies would bring in over $35 billion
–– And over 350,000 oil industry lobbyists to Washington.

Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand's 'everything is infrastructure' tweet may have backfired
–– Wow, Senator and atomic physicist.

Federal government spends $332B on 'zombie programs' never reauthorized by Congress
–– Can’t survive due to lack of brains to eat in DC.

New EPA chief Michael Regan relishes ‘clean slate’ after chaos of Trump era
–– Slate only thing predecessors left clean.

GOP lawmakers slam EPA chief over firing of science advisers
–– Weren’t those Trump-appointed ‘science’ advisors?

The old guard of the judiciary moves on as Biden announces new picks for bench
–– Aw, can’t we have sexy, inexperienced YouTube court?

Biden To Nominate Gun Control Advocate, Law Enforcement Veteran To Lead ATF
–– Shooting star.

Sinema Calls on Senators to ‘Change Their Behavior’ Instead of Eliminating Filibuster
–– Sinema scope.

Biden administration pressed by lawmaker to label white supremacists overseas as terrorists
–– Why not ship ours there first?

Union appears headed toward defeat in Amazon vote in Alabama
–– Fails to deliver.

Atlanta Braves cover All-Star Game patch on team jerseys after MLB's decision to move game
–– With ‘Don’t Vote’ sticker.

Atlanta’s mayor signs executive order to "mitigate" impact of Georgia's voting restrictions
–– Has to explain “mitigate” to state legislature.

Trump spotted with what looks like a Coke after calling for boycott
–– Live free or Diet.

Matt Gaetz, Loyal for Years to Trump, Is Said to Have Sought a Blanket Pardon
–– Now authorities want to speak to bed covering.

Matt Gaetz's Book Praised Trump For Ending 'Family Man' Attitude In White House
–– Unless it was Gambino or Manson’s.

Former Gaetz aide says FBI contacted him for sex-trafficking probe
–– Replied he had own cattle prod.

Gaetz fought revenge porn bill, saying ex-lovers can use photos as they see fit, sponsor says
–– Asked his hot pics be entered into Congressional Record.

Donald Trump breaks his silence on Matt Gaetz
–– After ingesting 2 Filet-o-Fish, 3 Double Cheeseburgers, Big Gulp.

Pro-Trump women's organization stands by Matt Gaetz, invites him to speak at summit
–– Insists he ‘talk dirty’ to them.

What Melania Trump’s Biographers Learned: ‘More in It for Her to Stay Than to Go’
–– All that warm, loving attention any woman would cherish.

’I Fed Him To The People': Trump Fan Indicted For Dragging Cop Into Capitol Mob By The Neck
–– Will he be held a cannibal?

Trump's Mar-a-Lago charged Secret Service almost $16,000 for $396 hotel rooms during presidential Christmas trip
–– Bilking government tough habit to break.

'The 45th': Why Trump is abandoning his iconic brand for a number
–– To remind listening public of his record as single.

Corporate America isn’t welcoming former Trump Cabinet officials with open arms, headhunters say
–– Need asshunters.

A QAnon revelation suggests the truth of Q’s identity was right there all along
–– Questlove, we knew it!

Trump adviser Giuliani asks judge to throw out $1.3 billion lawsuit over his 'big lie' election claims
–– Into dustbin of history where he now resides.

Boehner says Republican colleague held 10-inch knife to his throat outside House floor
–– In close shave.

John Boehner Reveals The ‘Very, Very Small’ Thing That Enraged Trump At Golf Fundraiser
–– His tiny white ball.

Wealthiest NYC Residents Will Pay Highest Tax Rate in Country under New Budget Deal
–– National Review reports like that’s bad thing.

Hunter Biden Talks Past Romance with Brother Beau's Widow: 'It Came Out of a Real Overwhelming Grief'
–– And outpouring of ‘male tears’.

Hunter Biden says he ‘smoked more parmesan cheese than anyone you know’ in depths of crack addiction
–– No chicken parm.

Hunter Biden admits Ukrainian board position created negative 'perception'
–– Except of bank account.

Hunter Biden Laughs Off Donald Trump Jr.'s Attacks With A Witty 1-Liner
–– The son also writhes.

One of Costco's secret weapons is coming back
–– 30 mm hot dog launcher.

The best ways to achieve crispy bacon
–– Let us guess: they include heat, pan?

US Senate unveils bipartisan plan to counter global influence of China
–– Will cluck in unison from right and left.

Peter Thiel suggests Bitcoin may be 'Chinese financial weapon against the U.S.'
–– No Thiel of approval?

Putin so upset over Biden's killer comments he moved 28,000 Russian troops to Ukraine border, report
–– Got a massage, ordered poisoning of three dissidents.

Two massage therapists accusing NFL quarterback Deshaun Watson of misconduct during massages identified in news conference
–– Illegal formation under sheet.

Tiger Woods was driving at unsafe speed when he was injured in crash, sheriff’s office says
–– Overshot dogleg.

Minneapolis officers line up to reject Chauvin's actions
–– Some offer to drive bus others threw him under.

Police chief: Officers are trained in de-escalation techniques
–– Not de-aspiration ones?

Students at a Texas high school had to watch George Floyd's death and pretend to be jurors in Derek Chauvin's trial for 'triggering' class project
–– Mostly ‘triggering’ teacher’s career suicide.

Sara Sidner's impressions from inside the Chauvin courtroom
–– Her Judge Cahill needs work.

How right-wing media keeps smearing George Floyd with the racist ‘no angel’ narrative
–– His ending up with wings not the issue.

White supremacists, extremists may use Chauvin trial to further their agendas: DHS
–– Don't hold your breath.

Cities Nationwide Brace Themselves for April 11 White Lives Matter Rallies
–– With attendees that counter argument.

Can Anything Stop Andrew Yang?
–– A credible mayoral candidate?

Alabama secretary of state admits affair, denies calling Black people 'the coloreds,' drops Senate bid
–– Swears he said People of Coloreds.

Arkansas Gov. vetoes bill banning gender-affirming care for trans kids, calling it "extreme"
–– Trans-cendent?

Egypt's first female ship's captain says she was wrongly blamed for Suez blockage
–– Not in Suezy queue.

For the Arcanists, Inc., all the DMV is a stage — for installation and performance art
–– Arcane and able?

Comedy About Porn Mag for Women Nabs HBO Max Series Pickup
–– Another fantasy epic.

Former Gay Porn Star Becomes Politician To Campaign Against Porn And Gay Rights
–– Turns other cheeks.

Time back home with voters only emboldens Republicans to oppose Biden’s agenda
–– And drive nails into own heads with fists.

Woman with World's Longest Fingernails Cuts Them for First Time in Nearly 30 Years
–– Could no longer afford polish.

How to Create an At-Home Forest Bathing Ritual
–– Barking up wrong tree.

Thandie Newton reveals she will use original spelling of her name from now on
–– Was just about to ask.

High court nixes Alex Jones' appeal in Newtown shooting case
–– Not over the name thing!

HBO’s ‘Exterminate All the Brutes’ Is a Flawed Study of White Colonialist Rape and Terror
–– But feel-good fun, right?

Daniel Kaluuya’s ‘Saturday Night Live’ Monologue Compares American and British Racism
–– Aw, get out!

"Everyone Just Knows He's an Absolute Monster": Scott Rudin's Ex-Staffers Speak Out on Abusive Behavior
–– Name is Rudin.

Stay Put Marshmallow Man is Mini, but Mighty in New 'Ghostbusters: Afterlife' Clip
–– Can toast with Bic lighter.

Wendy Williams is running mundane errands with beau Mike Esterman
–– Week’s winner for ‘least necessary headline.’

This Nuclear Reactor Just Made Fusion Viable by 2030. Seriously.
–– Confusion until then.

Japan Will Release Fukushima’s Radioactive Water Into the Ocean
–– Inhabitants of Monster Island totally psyched.

Box Office: ‘Godzilla vs. Kong’ Sets Pandemic Record With $48.5 Million Debut
–– COVID side effect on moviegoers: complete lack of taste.

China Box Office: ‘Godzilla vs. Kong’ Routed by Low-Budget Local ‘Sister’
–– With nuclear grenade launcher.

Gorillas beat their chest to prove who is the bigger foe
–– And drown out stupid dialogue.

‘Falcon and the Winter Soldier' Teases Zemo's Endgame
–– Clear, lightly carbonated alcoholic beverage?

Chris Hemsworth says he's not considered a 'serious actor' because he's never gained or lost an 'unhealthy' amount of weight for a role
–– Apparently a Thor spot.

Robert Downey Jr. and His Marvel Pals Celebrate His 56th Birthday: 'Love Ya Mate'
–– Stark spreadin’ the news.

Khloé Kardashian shows unedited body to address unauthorized photo release
–– Serial exhibitionists don’t need much excuse.

Rapper Kodak Black involved in shooting at a Florida fast food restaurant, police say
–– Fade to Black.

Kate Winslet Says She Knows 'at Least 4' Actors 'Hiding Their Sexuality' Due to 'Homophobia' in Hollywood
–– Receives monthly checks to keep secrets.

How Heath Ledger's Daughter Matilda Has Enjoyed a Private Life With Mom Michelle Williams
–– “Not much.”

'Girls Next Door' star Holly Madison reveals the reason she left Hugh Hefner and the Playboy mansion
–– Finally figured out how to use knob.

Kelly Clarkson's Onstage Bathroom Disaster Will Forever Change the Way We Think About Trash Cans
–– Squat goals.

Rapper will.i.am is selling a smart mask for $299
–– As long as built-in noise-cancelling headphones cancel his.

Mike Bloomberg refuses to cut line at Upper East Side restaurant
–– Actually tried to, but maitre d' didn't see tiny hand waving.

Actually, Science Says You Have Way More Than 5 Senses
–– Which doesn’t pass smell test.

An Extremely Powerful and Unexplained Energy Ray Tore Through Our Galaxy
–– In last week's episode of Flash Gordon!

Sex Between Humans and Neanderthals Was Way More Common Than Realized
–– Cavemen regularly got rocks off.

Monkey Island macaques joined together for support after Hurricane Maria
–– Got Chiquita to sponsor fund-raising Ape Aid concert.

Frog turns blue for first time in 700 years amid calls for rare amphibians to be reintroduced to Britain
–– And told to take a breath already.

Huntsman Spider Crawls Over Fearless woman’s Face in Instagram Video
–– In latest slang for ‘dim-witted.’

No Treats Required: Robotic Guide Dogs for the Blind Could Replace Canine Companions
–– Owners blessedly can't see reactions of strangers in street.

Dogs get jealous when they imagine their owner is fussing another pup
–– Here’s hoping ‘fussing' isn’t nastier Brit slang then we think.

Dog owners turn door handles upside down to stop their escaping dog
–– Change PC passwords to keep them from hacking bank accounts.

Lauren Graham Says Her Puppy Left Her to Live on a Farm After She 'Fell in Love' with Another Dog
–– An embarrassment of bitches.

Snake catcher removed a giant python after a couple reported their clogged drain: 'Not what I was expecting'
–– ‘I mean I was snaking the drain and, well, as a plumber you don’t expect that level of irony on the job.’

Massive Snake Hanging from Tree in Pennsylvania Park Sparks Public Alert
–– For creepiest hammock.

Feds propose protection for hefty Suwannee alligator snapping turtle
–– And fines for fat-shaming them.

Action Bronson lost 130 pounds with strict diet and exercise because he felt his weight 'wasn't a good message’
–– For stoner slob?

Muscle-building tips you can learn from The Rock's 'Black Adam' meal plan, according to a dietitian
–– And how best to add roids to sauces.

Why It’s So Hard for America to End Its Wars
–– All those, sniff, memories?

100 Days of Brexit: Was It as Bad as ‘Project Fear’ Warned?
–– 101 damnations.

Boris Johnson’s UK aid cuts will force my landmine charity to stop working in Syria. For our national security, he must reverse them
–– Mine: the gap.

Labour blames Belfast violence on ‘vacuum’ of Boris Johnson’s leadership
–– Clearly sucks.

Turkey summons Italian ambassador after PM called Erdogan ‘dictator’
–– To pretty much prove point.

Elon Musk Posts Neuralink Video of Monkey Telepathically Playing Video Game
–– Entitled My Ideal Customer.

He was a hero in Lithuania. Then his grandchild wrote a book: 'The Nazi's Granddaughter.'
–– Not a happy campguard.

Newly disclosed CIA memo reveals U.S. concealed high-ranking Nazi's role in Holocaust so he could serve as a Cold War asset
–– My Nazi Mole.

The US saw significant crime rise across major cities in 2020. And it's not letting up
–– Felons full of themselves.

Southwest pilot accused of indecent exposure during flight
–– In descent exposure?

He wasn’t wearing pants outside a Florida school, but had a pistol between legs, cops say
–– And was not just happy to see them.

Alleged stalker who left candy outside woman's home arrested after shooting her husband, attempting to kidnap her
–– Shootsie Pops.

California siblings accused of listing homes without owners' consent in real-estate scam
–– Owners became suspicious when ‘state utility inspectors’ were giving strangers tours.

Police called to Prince Harry and Meghan's California home nine times in as many months
–– Even with bodyguards Knuckles, Tiny in Beefeater costumes at door?

U.S. Ally Offered Bashar Assad’s Wife Cancer Treatment to Advance Talks
–– Tumor has it.

GOP Senators Call BBC ‘Notoriously Sympathetic to the Iranian Regime’
–– ‘Everyone knows about those cheap hussies’ flagrant empathy, their shameless fellow-feeling.’

Mrs. World Arrested After Grabbing Newly Crowned Mrs. Sri Lanka’s Tiara Off Head, Allegedly Injuring Her
–– Ironically, she got crowned.

Saudi Crown Prince’s Past Makes His Vision a Tough Sell Abroad
–– Vision of world with no journalists.

Those involved in naked photo shoot in Dubai to be deported
–– Emir bagatelle.

Mexico president justifies release of kingpin targeted by US
–– Has made pesos with its decision.

Italian mafioso caught after returning home for Easter lunch
–– Peeps squealed.

Jordan’s former crown prince says he has been placed in isolation
–– Err Jordan.

Jordan’s Prince Hamzeh, under house arrest after alleged coup attempt, appears to affirm loyalty to the king
–– Hard to understand when he’s bowing, scraping.

Jordan's king breaks silence, says family rift “nipped in the bud"
–– By bulldozing garden.

Poor rains bring optimism African locust outbreak will fade
–– Failed crops, starvation preferable?

New ID cards for Ethiopia's Tigrayan refugees may be proof of 'systematic' ethnic cleansing, investigation reveals
–– First hint government capable of efficiency.

Kim says North Korea facing its 'worst-ever situation'
–– Groceries stock insect-free dirt.

Greta Thunberg Refuses to Attend COP26 climate Change Summit
–– Too busy practicing scowl.

Sea level rise is killing trees along the Atlantic coast, creating 'ghost forests' that are visible from space
–– Will check out next time we’re up there.

California Gov. Gavin Newsom: 'We can now begin planning for our lives post-pandemic'
–– ’I’ve got male model gig lined up.’

Jerry Falwell Jr. Encourages COVID-19 Vaccinations With The Weirdest Selfie Flex
–– It looks like pool boy’s, um, bicep?

Trump appointee 'bragged' about influencing CDC reports on Covid-19, House committee says
–– Needling them about vaccine.

Does It Hurt Children to Measure Pandemic Learning Loss?
–– Better to lie to little dummies?

95-year-old credits Frank Sinatra tune for beating 'dreaded' Covid-19
–– I’ve Got You Under My Skin?

The owner of this anti-mask bar in Florida was just arrested. The issue wasn’t masks
–– Face Justice?

Prison sentence for Iowa face mask fight raises questions about mandatory minimums
–– And if he should be made to wear iron one.

DC guidance says cruise ships won't need to mandate vaccines
–– And can use candy as Lifesavers.

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott bans government-mandated 'vaccine passports’
–– Issues infectious 'virus visas.'

Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, dies aged 99
–– Put down your Duke.

Grammy-nominated rapper DMX dead at age 50
–– It's a rap.

Original Saturday Night Live Writer Anne Beatts Dies at 74
–– That Beatts all.