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Heavens, Gaetz!
Week of 04/02/21

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

U.S. representative Matt Gaetz in a Roman toga holds up a copy of dirty magazine Rephouse with a sexy Lady Liberty on the cover and it's conterfold opened up.Rep. Matt Gaetz denies sexual relationship with teen girl amid DOJ probe
–– While bragging about all the MILFs he nailed.

Some Capitol riot suspects apologize as consequences sink in
–– To fecal ooze in heads.

Gaetz showed nude photos of women he said he'd slept with to lawmakers, sources tell CNN
–– From oversees, angling for Foreign Affairs Committee.

Rep. Matt Gaetz eyes early retirement from Congress to take job at Newsmax
–– As fact-checker.

Republicans take aim at Biden’s $2 trillion US infrastructure plan
–– See 40 miles of bad road.

'Green New Deal' Leaders See Biden Climate Plans As A Victory, Kind Of
–– Do they think government can print all the cryptocurrency it wants?

Biden Unveils What He Calls A 'Once-In-A-Generation' Infrastructure Proposal
–– Last generation that will be able to afford it.

Biden’s spending plans could mean "a new world," says Nobel Prize winner Joseph Stiglitz
–– Sings it.

Pelosi says Biden's joint session of Congress in the hands of the Capitol attending physician
–– And how much weed Captitol police can score.

Jill Biden Speech Prompts Melania Comparisons As Video Goes Viral
–– ‘Slovenian’ accent was over top.

Interior Department chief of staff being removed from post after indoor party fiasco
–– Interior should’ve been outdoors?

How defunding the police backfired in Minneapolis, the city which sparked George Floyd protests across the world
–– De fun for criminals.

Senior officer rejects Chauvin’s ‘totally unnecessary’ use of force against George Floyd
–– No kneed.

In echo of George Floyd killing, a woman dies after police in Mexico pin her down
–– Oh, please explain how we should feel about this.

Hearing testimony about George Floyd's death can be difficult. Here are some resources that may help.
–– Pamphlet How to Place Fingers in Ears.

The Data Proves It: Black People in America Are Not Even a Demographic Monolith
–– Like in 2001: A Space Odyssey?

Former Trump chief of staff calls ex-President's Capitol riot claims 'manifestly false'
–– Lies always Trump’s Manifest Destiny.

Republicans seek DOJ briefing on claims of 'suspicious' pre-Jan. 6 Capitol tours
–– Party that simply hates rumors.

Ex-DOJ Official Says Trump's In 'Serious Trouble' After New Legal Filings
–– On MSNBC? When have we heard that before?

Inside the ‘Lord of the Flies’ factionalism now plaguing Trumpland
–– In this version Piggy’s on top.

Inside Donald Trump Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle's new $9.7M Florida mansion
–– All rooms round so guests don’t shit in corners.

Trump appointee who drank vodka and had sex on the General Services Administration building's roof is back with a new political committee, documents show
–– Doesn't count because it was Trump Vodka, Kimberly Guilfoyle.

Eric Trump Disgusted Biden Traveled Home, But His Dad Golfed 19 Times At This Point In Office
–– In freakin’ Oval Office!

Sen. Lindsey Graham says preventing voters from receiving food or water while they wait in line to cast ballots doesn't make 'a whole lot of sense'
–– No prohibition on hooch?

Lindsey Graham says he needs AR-15 for defense: ‘My house will be the last one that the gang will come to’
–– Unless they want squealing bitch for hostage.

Dan Rodimer ran for Congress in Nevada as a suburban family man and lost. Now he's running in Texas as a gritty cowboy. Critics say it's a bunch of bull.
–– Next time he’ll be progressive person of color.

Gallup: U.S. church membership dips below 50% for first time
–– Biggest gains in Church of Satan.

Op-Ed: Why America’s record godlessness is good news for the nation
–– Gormlessness not so much.

In the post-truth era, we need to bolster our arguments with empathy
–– Or ‘humor idiots.’

All 18 works at show of Spanish artist Maruja Mallo were fakes, say experts
–– She was a surrealist, but this is ridiculous…

When I told a hiring manager my Asian name, he said let's 'call you Fred'
–– Did you reply: ‘And you’ll be Chih-ming?'

Raised to identify as Black, Harris steps into role as a voice for Asian Americans amid rise in hate incidents
–– Triple duty, counting first woman. Phew!

Kamala Harris is reportedly 'bothered' that she hasn't been able to move into her official Washington residence over 2 months after inauguration
–– C’mon, you’re dying to say it’s racism.

‘I’ll show you what patriotism looks like': Ohio official bares chest, reveals scars to decry anti-Asian racism
–– Appropriately, in grandstand.

An Asian actor got disrespected at L.A. theater awards. What happened next was swift and powerful.
–– Like karate chop.

New York City mayoral candidate Andrew Yang hospitalized with apparent kidney stone, campaign says
–– In preview of what race will feel like.

The Moon—Yes, the Moon—Ultimately Freed the Ever Given From the Suez Canal
–– Have you ever given less of damn?

Carbon pricing holdouts eye holes in federal price floor
–– Still get legs stuck in them.

Carbon Labels Are Coming to Your Shampoo Bottle
–– Is graphite good for your hair?

There’s another pandemic under our noses, and it kills 8.7m people a year
–– Hipster mustaches?

CNN clarifies widely mocked report that claimed 'there is no consensus criteria for assigning sex at birth'
–– Sometimes evidence is pretty small.

Border apprehensions spiked in March, including a record number of unaccompanied migrant minors
–– Fears or arrests?

After crossing the U.S. border, Honduran boy held in a shelter asks his mother, 'Why am I still here?'
–– 'You told me we were going to Disneyland.'

Pilot And Co-Pilot Die As Plane Crashes Into Sea During Gender Reveal Stunt
–– Oh, look –– it's, it's a… omigod, omigod… a buoy!

Ex-Gov. Andrew Cuomo aide was asked to sing 'Danny Boy' for him in 2019, attorney says
–– Oh, the humanity!

Woody Allen Rehashes Old Arguments, Says He’s ‘Perfectly Innocent’ in CBS News Interview
–– How to write objective news headline with extremely sarcastic quote marks.

Woody Allen says 'well-meaning but foolish' actors who now denounce him are 'persecuting a perfectly innocent person and they're enabling this lie'
–– Allen wrenched.

Mia Farrow Opens Up About the Deaths of 3 of Her 14 Children After 'Vicious Rumors' Surface
–– Just your ordinary suburban mom.

Piers Morgan calls for end of 'cancel culture' in defence of free speech after disbelieving Meghan's interview
–– Morgan creaky.

Sharon Osbourne is out of 'The Talk’
–– Replaced by potted plant.

CBS denies report Sharon Osbourne received up to $10 million for exiting 'The Talk'
–– Not that it wouldn't be worth twice that to have her off TV.

Sharon Osbourne shares cute photo of her dog wearing matching pajamas
–– With white hood.

Ghislaine Maxwell says her jail conditions are fit 'for Hannibal Lecter'
–– Demands ladyfingers for dessert.

Britney Spears’s Former Makeup Artists Claims Her Instagram “Content Is Her, But the Words Are Not”
–– Contt mpty, sad.

Elizabeth Perkins says the love scene in 'Big' wouldn't happen today
–– Now Hanks character would transition, celebrate gay wedding with her when self-identified as legal.

Jennifer Connelly's provocative poster and other 'Career Opportunities' secrets on the movie's 30th anniversary
–– Trip down mammary lane.

Steve Guttenberg: 'I learned humility from Laurence Olivier'
–– “And humiliation, I mean, just seeing how a real actor works. Same with Don Ameche in Cocoon.’’

Bob Odenkirk still has a recording of Jeremy Irons yelling at him over bad Saturday Night Live monologue
–– Reversal of misfortune.

Nicolas Cage Thinks James Franco Stole ‘Spring Breakers’ Character from His ‘Green Hornet’ Pitch
–– According to Seth Rogen so might’ve been Pineapple Express character stolen from The Wicker Man's bee scene.

Stanley Tucci and Dwyane 'The Rock' Johnson pushed back on Prince William being named 'world's sexiest bald man'
–– Couple of hot heads.

‘Game of Thrones' Author George R.R. Martin Signs New Five-Year Deal With HBO
–– To not finish sagae.

Gerard Butler Says He Thought Zack Snyder's '300' Was 'Going to Suck'
–– Spppot onnn!

David Ayer has hope for his Suicide Squad cut after Zack Snyder's Justice League : 'I made an amazing movie'
–– ‘Really, don't let that POS with my name on it fool you.'

Ava DuVernay's 'New Gods,' James Wan's 'The Trench' DC Movies Not Moving Forward at Warner Bros.
–– Spared two more post-disaster ‘director’s cuts’.

Kim Kardashian Opens Up About the Moment She Started Considering Divorcing Kanye West
–– They were turning away from altar…

Lil Nas X blames 'crying nerds' during 'Satan Shoes' court battle
–– Lil razz.

Erin Kellyman masks up as Marvel's newest antagonist in 'The Falcon and the Winter Soldier'
–– About as intimidating as young Maya Rudolph in another unfunny skit.

Hong Kong Broadcaster Drops Oscars Ceremony Amid Beijing Backlash
–– Ironic, because only nominated film anyone’s seen is HK's Better Days.

Florida man breaks Guinness World Record after watching 'Avengers: Endgame' 191 times in theaters
–– But unfortunately lost ability to read citation.

Paulina Porizkova sparks sexual debate with lingerie photo: 'Can you have sex without love?'
–– Oh, oh oh, we have the answer!

Barack Obama Comes A Little Too Close to Saying Michelle Obama Is 'Not Like Other Women' Here
–– Because most women just like her arm and legwise.

Kevin Durant accused of using homophobic, misogynistic slurs in private messages with actor Michael Rapaport
–– I’m nut Rapaport.

Beverly Cleary's Ramona is a force for all us beautiful pests
–– Can we just make that pests?

Former Bachelorette Contestant Shares Blunt Thoughts On Chris Harrison, Calls Him A 'Total Douchebag'
–– Hunh, what else does ‘professional tool’ have to say?

The 1 Thing to Remember Before You Start a Difficult Conversation
–– ‘Hey, asshole’ never good opener.

The Marine Corps Is About to Reinvent Itself—Drastically
–– Starting with shocking pink fatigues.

Man Who Divorced Sex Doll Wife Now In A Thruple With New Doll He Considers A 'Sister'
–– Who he only bangs on family holidays.

What does 'Other' mean in your device storage? Dealing with the dark matter of iPhone and iPad data.
–– And why does glitchy image of moaning black-eyed waif in hellscape appear when you click it?

Renowned Scientist’s Son Describes His Chronic Fatigue Syndrome: 'A World of Pain, Loss and Agony’
–– Story’s a yawn.

Egypt’s royal mummies are on the move, and it’s not their first road trip
–– Authorities hope they don’t kill any ‘cursed’ archeologists this time.

I Worked At A Zoo And Aquarium For A Day, And Here's What I Learned
–– More water at aquarium.

Salmonella infections in 8 states could be tied to wild songbirds, CDC says
–– Biggest hit: Born to Runs.

Frog Cell 'Xenobots' Can Self-Assemble and Navigate Mazes
–– Always with fly in middle.

Mice That Hear Imaginary Sounds May Help Explain Hallucinations In People
–– Or ventriloquism in rodents.

A man returned from shopping and found 15,000 bees in his car
–– Regretted leaving 6-gallon Bucket o’ Pollen open on back seat.

Toxic impact of pesticides on bees has doubled, study shows
–– If you can trust insects' math.

What To Know About Eating Cicadas As Trillions of Bugs To Emerge in U.S.
–– Incessant chirping in stomach normal.

New Dinosaur Whose Name Means 'One Who Causes Fear' Discovered In Argentina
–– Crapyourpantsasaur.

Australian police force unveils 'SAUSAGE' dogs in hilarious April Fools' prank
––– Ding, ding, ding, we have a weiner.

Texas Dog Adopted After 419 Days in Shelter Returned After 1 Day Because He Was 'Too Much Work'
–– ‘Constantly bitching about how long it took to get out.’

Brit Who Tried To Foster Dog From Manchester In United States Feels Like 'Right Idiot'
–– Did become paw pals.

As we head back to work and school, what will happen to our pets?
–– After breathing sighs of relief?

Hunting rare birds in Pakistan to feed the sex drive of princes
–– Gets their peckers up?

Man comes face-to-face with angry octopus in rare attack
–– My Octopus Teacher's pet.

Has Seaspiracy put you off farmed salmon? Here’s the best fish to eat instead.
–– Or are you convinced filmmaker Ali Tabrizi is dweeb who should be smacked in head with carp?

Fact Checking Dolphin-Safe Label Claims Made By Netflix Doc ‘Seaspiracy’
–– No, they're not smart enough to read them.

How polar bears maintained highly specialized diets during periods of Arctic warming—until now
–– Since Blubber King went out of business.

How Studying Lemur Hibernation Could Make Long-Distance Space Travel Easier One Day
–– Let’s sleep on that.

A dinosaur tail vertebra leads researchers on the right track
–– To spinosaur’s anus.

One Hundred Years Ago, Einstein Was Given a Hero's Welcome by America's Jews
–– As Jewish mothers asked sons, 'Why can't you be more like Albert?'

Medieval Jews in England Kept Kosher Laws, New Research Suggests
–– Had lances circumcised.

Facebook Disputes Claims It Fuels Political Polarization And Extremism
–– Or has lowered nation’s collective IQ by 20 points.

Zuckerberg and Dorsey get a congressional tongue lashing, but does D.C. have more punishment in store?
–– Ass whipping?

11 popular weighted blankets that shoppers swear by
–– 4. Vito enthuses, ‘Dis Float-No-Mor lead ‘sleeper’ really does the job.’

Volkswagen of America says it's changing its name to 'Voltswagen'
–– What a revoltsin' development.

Elon Musk tweets, deletes brag that Tesla will be biggest company ‘in a few months’
–– Claim he’ll be highest CEO still there.

For Elon Musk’s SpaceX Starship program, more smoke, fire and shrapnel
–– Will try selling scraps on eBay.

Endeavor IPO Filing Reveals Net Loss of $625.3 Million for 2020, Elon Musk Joins Board
–– Huge fan of launch pad disasters.

Should We Block the Sun? Scientists Say the Time Has Come to Study It.
–– Are you SPFin’ kidding?

It is the responsibility of oil-producing countries like Saudi Arabia to lead the way in tackling the climate crisis
–– So let’s wait generation for them to do right thing.

1800-year-old chain armor reconstructed using video game tech
–– In latest loony bid to find any redeeming social value in gaming.

Mummified Parrots Found in Chile Suggest Vast Pre-Hispanic Trade Network
–– And suggest we shouldn’t have to look at 900-year-old parrots.

Uber ordered to pay $1.1m to blind passenger who was denied rides 14 times
–– 20, actually, but she never heard electric cars pass by.

Francisco Lindor says he felt comfortable with New York Mets before signing $341 million deal
–– But guaranteed windfall removes whole 'pressure to succeed' thing.

Francisco Lindor wants to be ‘a bad mother-effer’ for Mets
–– Many Mets ‘mother-effin’ bad.’

Ronaldo’s armband auctioned for $75,000 to help Serbian baby
–– He needs widdle sling?

Bomb squad safely detonates Civil War cannonball found in Maryland
–– Scares heck out of Battle of Antietam reenactors.

Italian ‘who tried to fake kidnap’ were sold to real jihadists in Syria
–– Class, this is definition of ironico.

Russia: Navalny on hunger strike to protest prison treatment
–– Trying to do Putin's work for him.

U.K., U.S. Working Closely On Countering 'Almost Gangsterish' Russia, U.K. Envoy Says
–– What constitutes ‘totally gangsterish?’

Biden holds first call with Ukrainian president amid Russian buildup
–– Gets confused, asks favor of dirt on Hunter.

China passes Hong Kong "patriot" election law that removes opposition
–– Or "Last Refuge for Scoundrels Act."

Myanmar cuts wireless internet service amid coup protests
–– Considers having AT&T run service as punishment.

Queen leaves castle for first in-person engagement this year as debate over abolishing the monarchy reignites in Australia
–– Moat filled with coronavirus vaccine.

Snow, rugged terrain hinder recovery of Alaska helicopter crash that killed five, including one of Europe’s richest people
–– Pretty sure he self-identified as man.

US and members of Iran nuclear deal will meet next week in Vienna
–– For boom-pah-pah waltz.

US, Iran say they’ll begin indirect talks on nuclear program
–– Negotiators facing each other, but talking over opposite shoulders.

Fully vaccinated people can gather unmasked and indoors for Easter, CDC says
–– OK to remove pants, underwear, too.

Moderna Gets Permisision to Fill Covid-19 Vaccine Vilas with More Doses
–– And install ‘all-you-can-jab’ vending machines in chain pharmacies.

Employees could be heading back to the office sooner than they think
–- Companies expect to start shanghaiing workers by early fall.

Birx tells CNN most U.S. covid deaths ‘could have been mitigated’ after first 100,000
–– That only leaves Trump on hook for half mil or so.

Dr. Anthony Fauci Names The Trump Moment That Shocked Him: 'Like A Punch To The Chest'
–– ‘Sorta gave me COVID-like symptoms.’

Marjorie Taylor Greene's Bill Targets Dr. Fauci In 'Fire Fauci Act'
–– Fauci: ‘Like a pat to the back.’

Trump calls Birx "a proven liar" and says Fauci "flip-flops" after CNN interview
–– She did lie regularly to cover his gross incompetence while in office.

House investigators suggest former Trump advisor Peter Navarro steered coronavirus supply contracts to companies he favored
–– Profiteers of a clown.

Fired Florida data scientist Rebekah Jones turns herself in to jail and tests positive for Covid-19
–– Just to bump official numbers up?

McConnell blames election-related ‘confusion’ for Republican vaccine reluctance
–– And essential wussiness of GOP men.

Mitch McConnell: 'I would encourage all Republican men' to get vaccinated
–– ‘The gals can burn in Hell.’

‘Working from home has made my pet allergies worse': 8 things you can do right now
–– 6. Let allergies play in yard.

John le Carré, chronicler of Englishness, died Irish, son reveals
–– Pickled in whisky?

Gordon Liddy, undercover operative convicted in Watergate scandal, dies at 90
–– Put Liddy on it.

Barack Obama's Kenyan grandmother dies, aged 99
–– Trump demands to see death certificate.

Bertrand Tavernier, versatile and acclaimed French filmmaker, dies at 79
–– Film fin.