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Great Bores of Fire
Week of 03/19/21

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Russia reacts angrily after Biden calls Putin a 'killer'
–– So does Jerry Lee Lewis.

Black Holes May Not Be Black. Or Even Holes.
–– So White Castles?

Biden says Putin has 'no soul' and will pay a price for election interference
–– He replies with rendition of Sam & Dave classic.

‘Takes one to know one’: Biden hits back after Joe Biden ‘killer’ accusation
–– Adds, ‘Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyet!’

Biden says Putin 'will pay a price' for Russian efforts to undermine the 2020 US election
–– A million rubles! Or $13,566.

Testy Exchange in Alaska Signals a More Confrontational China
–– They offered to swap nuts?

Biden’s sweeping ambitions delight liberals — but pose political risks for his party
–– Sweeping up after Trump.

Mitch McConnell darkly threatens 'scorched earth Senate' if Democrats eliminate the filibuster
–– ‘It’ll be bleaker than the club scene in Frankfort, Kentucky.’

Chuck Schumer Turns Mitch McConnell’s ‘Scorched Earth’ Threat Back On Him
–– Sic burn.

Sheldon Whitehouse Says FBI Conducted 'Fake' Background Check On Brett Kavanaugh
–– Whitehouse briefing.

Democrat introduces resolution to expel GOP Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene
–– Includes Milk of Magnesia, curry powder, bacon grease.

Biden endorses changing Senate rules to require a 'talking filibuster,' like 'back in the old days’
–– Advocates drone warfare.

Elizabeth Warren calls Senate filibuster racist
–– 'Like when those darned immigrants took advantage of it.’

Trump’s final border wall spree left a disjointed mess resembling 'conceptual art'
–– With no concept.

Jesus, Paul and the border debate – why cherry-picking Bible passages misses the immigrant experience in ancient Rome
–– Adjust neck after whiplash, read on.

The suspect in the Atlanta-area shootings that killed 8 people, 6 of them Asian women, is a 21-year-old white man who blamed a sex addiction for the attacks
–– Who you gonna believe: psychopath or hysterical media?

Asian Americans were already living in fear. The Atlanta-area spa killings feel like a terrifying escalation for them
–– If we ‘journalists’ can help it.

‘It’s race, class and gender together’: Why the Atlanta murders aren’t just about one thing
–– Actual evidence?

Atlanta spa killings lead to questions about sex work and exploitation
–– Remember good old days when mass shootings prompted calls for gun control?

Suspect in Atlanta-area attacks said they weren't racially motivated. Experts say he doesn't get to decide.
–– Online experts do.

A nationwide horror: Witnesses, police paint a picture of a murderous rampage that took 8 lives
–– Crudely in finger paints.

Atlanta mayor calls police depiction of motive in spa killings 'victim blaming'
–– Massaging truth?

Bruce Lee's Daughter on Increasing Violence Toward Asian Americans: "This Is Where 'Kung Flu' Leads"
–– Ain’t that a kick in the head.

Op-Ed: Trump and the GOP put a bull's-eye on the backs of Asian Americans
–– Yeah, but Beijing put bulls’s-eye on whole world.

Shooting at Seattle-area spa leaves Asian man wounded. Police say robbery was likely motive.
–– As we randomly Google ‘crime’, ‘asian’.

De Blasio Argues Cops Should Confront New Yorkers Accused of Non-Criminal ‘Hurtful’ Conduct
–– Will issue police feather ‘wrist-slappers.’

‘Major area’ of Seattle could forbid most cars under city’s new, greener transportation plan
–– And provide open spaces for pointless, caffeine-fueled protests.

Officials located December recording of Trump call in a trash folder on Georgia investigator's device
–– Trash or Junk was major decision.

Trump was supposed to be a political Godzilla in exile. Instead, he’s adrift.
–– More Mothra fairy priestess.

The Trump presidency was a disaster for the Trump Organization
–– Ironic because everyone else did so well.

Trump says he may run again for president in 2024 in order to defeat Meghan Markle
–– How can you tell when he’s gone completely around bend?

Michael Cohen says Trump is in for a 'proctological exam of the highest order' by New York prosecutors
–– Ex-aides still up there will need to duck.

Trump wax figure pulled from Texas display after visitors attacked it – reports
–– Replaced by an Eric Trump with ‘Kick Me’ sign on back.

John Oliver Outs Tucker Carlson As White Supremacist In Damning Segment
–– Outs? Talk about hiding in plain sight.

Ted Cruz Mocked After He Demands Military Stop Bullying Tucker Carlson
–– Including Leftenant John Oliver.

The Hamptons Rids Itself of Donald Trump Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle Ahead of High Season
–– Reached quota for assholes in 1986.

Breyer mum as some liberals urge him to quit Supreme Court
–– Sotomayor dad?

A new documentary reveals the FBI interrogation of jailed whistleblower Reality Winner. 'I cried through most of it,' her mother told Insider.
–– ‘Especially how ironic that name sounds now.’

Comedian Sebastian Maniscalco jabs cancel culture with St. Patrick's Day message
–– Unnamed snakes expelled from Ireland did charge Saint with bullying.

The Officers Danced at a Black Lives Matter Rally. Then They Stormed the Capitol.
–– Changed from tap shoes to jack boots.

Nashville bomber was fueled by 'stressors' such as conspiracy theories, FBI says
–– FBI to publish self-help book for domestic terrorists.

Biden Nominates Former Florida Senator to Lead NASA
–– Or gets deceased Fred Willard to play one.

Sharon Osbourne: ‘CBS Blindsided Me’ With Heated Piers Morgan Discussion on ‘The Talk’ (EXCLUSIVE)
–– 'Gave me black eye, elicited white lies!'

CBS Launches Investigation Following Heated Exchange Between 'The Talk' Hosts Sharon Osbourne and Sheryl Underwood
–– Private Eye Network.

Golden Globes: HFPA Promises 13 Percent Black Membership By Next Ceremony
–– Quota unquote.

Eddie Murphy on being a dad to 10 children: 'Nobody is like the Hollywood jerk kid'
–– ‘Even with the ultimate Hollywood jerk dad.’

‘No culture, no future': Actress in naked lockdown protest at French Oscars
–– Derriere garde.

Casu marzu: The world's 'most dangerous' cheese
–– Packs heat?

Why is bed sharing among parents and infants — more commonly known as co-sleeping — so controversial?
–– And why isn’t idiotic ‘common’ name for it so controversial?

Elliot Page Had Top Surgery After Coming Out as Transgender: It ‘Transformed My Life’
–– Keep us abreast of every detail.

Ralph Fiennes Says J.K. Rowling Backlash Is ‘Disturbing’: ‘I Can’t Understand the Vitriol’
–– Because you’re male over 30.

Skylar Astin Had Doubts Taking Over Justin Timberlake's 'Trolls' Role: 'Am I Doing a Terrible Job?'
–– Like replacing Brando in Streetcar.

Steve Harvey Shares Touching Story About The Time He Met His Comedy Idol Richard Pryor
–– High comic asked, ‘Are you me without hair?’

Amazon warehouse worker testifies to Senate: 'My workday feels like a 9-hour intense workout every day'
–– See, they’re saving you gym membership.

Goldman Sachs analysts say they work 95-hour weeks and endure 'inhumane' treatment
–– Arb bite macht frei.

China’s boys are too 'effeminate' and need to channel the ancient spirit of 'yang' to rediscover their masculinity, government says
–– Especially from Wusshan.

Idaho ends Powerball participation amid lawmaker concern that Australia could use lottery revenue for anti-gun measures
–– Taters gonna hate.

Opinion: Here’s the difference between the Democrats and the Republicans
–– Referring to Cuomo: they eat their own.

Accuser discusses Cuomo’s fixation on his ‘large’ hands in meeting with AG team, lawyer says
–– Will next call Rosy Palm to testify.

Tara Reade blasts Biden and the media for reaction to Gov. Cuomo sex-harass case
–– NY Post has her on speed dial.

California’s economic pain may drive Gavin Newsom recall campaign
–– Of Republican ops who can't get work.

US Rep. Tom Reed, a potential Cuomo challenger, accused of sexual misconduct
–– Calls for only female candidates in all political races intensify.

Proud Boys Leaders in 4 States Are Charged in Capitol Riot
–– Solid, liquid, gas, plasma.

GOP Sen. Johnson says Capitol rioters didn’t scare him — but might have had they been Black Lives Matter protesters
–– Bloodless lizard couldn’t use natural camouflage.

Bear spray is showing up at protests and riots. Here’s why, and how it affects humans.
–– Paw excuses.

As senators debate her rights, a transgender teenager gives a confident testimony
–– Review right there in news story’s headline.

French magazine Charlie Hebdo sparks outrage with a cartoon portraying Meghan Markle as George Floyd with the Queen kneeling on her neck
–– Satire ‘sparks outrage’ or ‘works.’

A Capitol Police officer was suspended after a Hill staffer spotted a printout of anti-Semitic Protocols of the Elders of Zion at a checkpoint
–– Hey, maybe he was just studying it so he could catch anti-Semites!

Clive Barker’s cut of Nightbreed was too opulently homoerotic for the studio
–– Too sumptuously idiotic for everyone else.

Vertigo star Kim Novak claims she woke up naked after drink spiked by Tony Curtis
–– Or was she just dizzy from role?

Teen Vogue's new editor out of a job after backlash over old tweets
–– This year's trend: crop tops.

Mama June Shannon says she almost spent a million dollars on her addiction
–– Don’t you spend even 1 second on it.

A man is found guilty of keeping live sharks in his pool and offering them for sale online
–– Were they snapped up?

Allen v. Farrow' Directors Issue Standing Offer to Interview Woody: "HBO Would Do a Fifth Episode. We're Here."
–– “Waiting up on the scaffold next to the noose.’

TV Ratings: Grammy Awards Hit Record Low, Down Nearly 53% Compared to 2020’s Show
–– Noah's arrgh.

Future Responds to Fan's Bold Claim That 'Hndrxx' Could've Stopped Michael Jackson's Rise
–– Past ridiculous.

Sharon Stone: I was pressured to 'f--k' co-star to fix screen chemistry
–– Wouldn't that take charisma carpenter?

30 years after her Catwoman costume stunt, Sean Young is ready to be the hero of her own story
–– #Meowtoo.

Patty Jenkins Changed the Original Traumatic Origin Story in ‘Wonder Woman’
–– For Tromatic one.

Glenn Close Earns Oscar and Razzie Nominations for Same Role in ‘Hillbilly Elegy’
–– Close, but no cigar.

Kerry Bishé on 'Happily' and Subverting the Sexless Marriage Trope
–– Sad but trope.

Naomi Newman is still acting at 90, driven by ‘a big imagination and a Jewish soul’
–– ‘This yenta of a ghost won’t let me be.’

Olympic triple jumper and rapper Will Claye on why his music career is more than a hobby
–– Hip hop, skip and jump?

Molly Pitcher, the Most Famous American Hero Who Never Existed
–– And never played for Phillies.

Former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, Jeanne Melino join Mets' Board of Directors
–– We have Mets the enemy.

There’s a Brand New Pasta Shape That's Perfect for Sauce
–– Why not just add mucilage to marinara?

What to do when a dog suddenly doesn’t want to go on walks
–– Change ‘designation’ to cat, buy litter box?

Our Teeth Are Getting the Skin-Care Treatment
–– Who have you been eating?

California Cities Are Rushing to Ban Gas in New Homes. But the State Is Moving Slower
–– Oh, go cook your organic kale ragout on an electric range.

‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin looks to stun a home buyer in Marina del Rey
–– Currently hiding behind front door.

’Gone in the blink of an eye': Alabama family escapes minutes before suspected twister flattens home
–– They give police detailed description of perpetrator.

‘We Discovered a 70 Million Year Old Dinosaur Sitting on Its Own Eggs’
–– ‘Which turned out to be –– you’re not going to believe this –– his balls!’

New York Man Pleads Guilty After Sharks Were Found in Pool in His Basement
–– Denies they were pool sharks.

Chemists gain new insights into the behavior of water in an influenza virus channel
–– Now want guinea pigs to swim across it.

Lamprey fossils may rewrite history of vertebrate evolution
–– If they had freakin’ hands!

Shark-like fossil with manta 'wings' is unlike anything seen before
–– Because we totally made up.

Harp seal pups dying on beach as winter sea ice fails
–– At least will have harp when they enter pearly gates.

Rare Ancient Tool Found in Australia May Have Been Made With Kangaroo Bone
–– Rudimentary scroo driver.

Russian Scientists Sink Giant Deepwater Neutrino Telescope Into World's Largest Freshwater Lake
–– Forgot to attach line.

For the First Time in 75 Years, a New Invasive Species of Mosquito Was Found in Florida
–– Real head-scratcher.

Study Shows Fingerprint Ridges Play Key Role in Sense of Touch
–– Um, you mean ones on fingertips that we use to feel?

Can New Technologies Eliminate the Grim Practice of Chick Culling?
–– Cull two birds with one stone?

Once called crazy, Indonesian eco-warrior turns arid hills green
–– Now called ‘freakin’ nuts.’

‘It's not her fault!': Campaign to save grizzly bear who escaped Siberian hotel and caused chaos in town
–– Doesn’t bear responsibility?

Don't Just Look at These Paintings—Smell Them Too, Says New Dutch Exhibition
–– They're cheesy enough.

Former New York Yankees great Derek Jeter's luxurious 'castle' drops sales price by $2 million
–– Just short stop to $12,750,000!

The first 3D-printed housing community in the US is being built in the California desert
–– Xeroxville thriving.

NASCAR Truck driver Bill Lester on why the sport's Confederate flag ban 'floored' him
–– And how fast he was going.

I Was 3,000 Miles Away From My Family For Nowruz, So I Created My Own Traditions
–– At 2,000 miles I’d’ve said ‘f••k it.’

The men who died in the plane that crashed on a Broward street were experienced pilots
–– Emphasis on ‘were.’

Peloton warns owners to keep kids away from their treadmills after a child dies
–– Considering offering crawlmills for toddlers.

Finland defends title as world’s happiest nation in 4th straight win
–– Pays every resident a five-spot to smile.

Shamima Begum says she joined ISIS because she 'didn't feel loved as a child'
–– And they simply adored her…

American-born ISIS bride says it was 'hell on earth'
–– … like Satan’s daughter!

The Square film-maker Sanaa Seif jawed in Egypt for 18 months
–– Definitely not hip.

Emmanuel Macron on collision course with Iran with latest attack on Tehran ‘You must stop’
–– Wearing kepi, cape, white gloves, held up ‘Arrêt’ sign and blew whistle.

Republican Pressure Mounts to Stop Biden's Return to Iran Nuclear Deal
–– They want him Tehran up agreement.

Statue of Benjamin Netanyahu relieving Himself Mounted Ahead of Elections
–– Pipi Netanyahu.

Pakistan army chief says ready to bury hatchet with India for peace
–– In PM Modi’s head.

Black hair, white underwear: A battle resumes over Japan’s bizarre school rules
–– In white underwear?

Taiwan urges citizens not to change their name to 'salmon' to get free sushi
–– ‘Salmon’ be chased.

North Korea breaks silence to warn US against 'causing a stink'
–– Ironically, when gassy Kim bent over after kimchee spree.

Women Posing in Children’s Clothing? Fad Sparks Body-Shaming Concerns.
–– In NY Times’ lunch room? At table where everyone's having salads?

Russian opposition leader Navalny describes prison near Moscow as ‘friendly concentration camp’
––– More dacha than Dachau?

Kremlin says pressure on countries to reject Russia's Sputnik V vaccine is unprecedented
–– Knocked out of orbit.

Ammon Bundy won't wear mask in courthouse so judge has him arrested for failure to appear
–– Ammon to that.

Maskless woman is handcuffed at bank a day after Texas lifts mandates
–– Maskless face on brainless head.

‘He’s dead wrong’: Fauci and Paul trade TV barbs after sparring on the Hill
–– Paul got Eden, Fauci Feldon.

Updated CDC guidance says 3 feet of physical distancing is safe in schools
–– Unless little Johnny had pork and beans again.

Trump’s Mar-a-Lago Club partially closed after staff infected with coronavirus
–– Will reopen offering guests Superspreader Special.

Companies Wrestle With Hybrid Work Plans—Awkward Meetings and Midweek Crowding
–– Awkard Meetings win two out of three falls.

How the WHO’s Hunt for Covid’s Origins Stumbled in China
–– President Xi’s outstretched leg?

How Israel Delivered the World’s Fastest Vaccine Rollout
–– Helps when you have 9 mil pop. in 8,550 sq. miles.

Covid brought ‘manifestation’ back. But you can’t simply will your way to a better life.
–– Manifest density.

How Do You Reach Trump Voters Who Say They Don't Want The Vaccine? Try Doctors
–– With very long syringes.

Woman Arrested for Coughing, Pepper-Spraying Asian Uber Driver in SF
–– Uber mesch.

The latest hotel amenity doesn’t involve massages or cookies: It’s a free coronavirus test.
–– Do leave mint in nostril.

James Levine, acclaimed Metropolitan Opera conductor who faced abuse allegations, dies at 77
–– The fat laddy sang.

Yaphet Kotto, Bond Villain and ‘Alien’ Star, Dies at 81
–– Kananga management.

Yaphet Kotto Said 'Alien' Was the Answer to a Question He Had During the 1963 March on Washington
–– What movie will they mention in your obit headline?

Marvin Hagler, Legendary Boxing Champion, Dies at 66
–– Punched clock.