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Dem Bones
Week of 03/12/21

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Democrats' donkey mascot Mr. Dem stands on the baseball diamond with a t-shirt cannon and fires money into the stands.$1,400 checks could start arriving within weeks under latest COVID-19 relief package
–– With ‘Luv, Joe’ on memo line?

Who truly was the most dishonest president?
–– Gotta be a trick question.

Economists: Biden's $1,400 COVID-19 checks may be great politics, but it's questionable economics
–– When’s last time you could accuse Democrat of great politics?

Democrats’ messaging shifts as they pass Biden relief bill: From economic crisis rescue to poverty relief
–– 1.9 tril will cover wide range of promises.

GOP Senator Who Voted Against COVID-19 Relief Already Taking Credit For Bill's Benefits
–– The grateful dud.

With No Votes to Spare, Biden Gets a Win Obama and Clinton Would Have Envied
–– Do we haveta thank Georgia?!

President Biden’s second big bill may be China package pushed by top Senate Democrat
–– Peking, duck!

Republican Sen. Mike Lee says Democratic voting rights bill was 'written in hell by the devil himself'
–– ‘And Satan's apparently crazy for Democracy!’

Postmaster General DeJoy gives himself an 'A' grade despite widespread criticism
–– ‘And President Trump would agree. Hey, he is still president, right? I still haven’t gotten my November RNC newsletter in the mail.’

Biden’s German Shepherd has aggressive incident and is sent back to Delaware
–– Major bummer.

White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki confirms Major Biden was a bad dog, has no update on Biden cat
–– It won't bite anyone, just spike press water cooler with catnip.

Psaki: Biden's pet cat 'will break the internet' when it arrives
–– As pussy will.

White House returns portraits of Bill Clinton and George W Bush to prominent place in foyer after Trump hid them in room used for storage
–– Bush's appropriately upside down.

McConnell voted to confirm Merrick Garland as attorney general 2 years after saying blocking his Supreme Court nomination was the 'most consequential thing I've ever done'
–– Assaulting Lady Justice, desecrating Constitution should have consequences.

Between Trump and a hard place: Senate's McConnell faces bipartisan unpopularity: poll
–– Mitch mash.

McConnell planning an 'escape hatch' in case he leaves Senate before his term expires, report says
–– Directly to sewers he loves.

Secretary of Defense to contact Manchin after Republicans raise concerns about Pentagon nominee's tweets
–– Do they know he’s not woman of color?

Saddest Homecoming Ever? Trump Greeted By A Single Supporter In New York Return.
–– Vagrant who peed on SUV.

Claimed value of sleepy NY estate could come to haunt Trump
–– Also grumpy, dopey, doc(tored.)

Supreme Court declines to hear case on qualified immunity for police officers
–– Trump appointees personally sign blue Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card.

Twitter sues Texas AG Ken Paxton, alleging he launched probe in retaliation for Trump ban
–– He was just following ordures.

Texas Gov. Abbott Calls Gab ‘Anti-Semitic.’ Maybe He Should Tell His Own Party.
–– Says 'it ain't fair to them New York Jewboys.'

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene has been gunking up the works. She says she’s not backing down.
–– It’s what slugs do.

Trump reportedly showed people at a shiva photos of naked women on a yacht and called his CFO's Long Island house 'embarrassing'
–– But he did bring ‘very nice’ walnut danish ring from Enteman’s.

Police officer accused of killing George Floyd faces extra charge, with trial set to begin Monday
–– Electric current through testicles?

Minnesota Supreme Court rejects Derek Chauvin appeal, opening door for another murder charge in George Floyd's death
–– Like third knee to neck.

Minneapolis will pay George Floyd's estate $27 million after city council votes to settle lawsuit with family
–– Minnesota fat.

U.S. Senator Manchin says filibusters could be made more 'painful'
–– Add mandatory concurrent rectal exam.

Former neo-Nazi says Fox News radicalizes people by saying the same stuff he used to say
–– ‘Same idiots who listened to me!’

QAnon Shaman's '60 Minutes' interview backfired. Judge cites interview when ruling he must remain jailed until trial.
–– It’s a crying Shaman!

Susan Rice is burning sage in her West Wing office, once occupied by anti-immigrant hardliner Stephen Miller, used to cleanse a space of negativity
–– Should hang garlic, wolfsbane at entryways in case he tries to fly back in at night.

Merrick Garland confirmed as attorney general
–– In historic consolation prize.

Lindsey Graham points to GOP’s reality under Trump: It’s a hostage situation
–– “Where ah keep cryin’, ‘Pistol whip me! Pistol whip me!’”

Lindsey Graham says he deals with Trump's 'dark side' because he thinks he has a 'magic' other Republicans don't
–– ‘One’s in back, the other’s in front, right below his belt line.’

Los Angeles opens its first tiny home village to ease homeless crisis
–– For Lollipop Guild.

Australia Is One Of The Most Dangerous Places In The World To Take A Selfie
–– Send Gen-Xers there.

Most distant cosmic jet discovered 13 billion light-years away
–– Stranded on runway.

David Brooks' think tank resignation latest scandal to hit New York Times
–– Brooks: no dissent.

Harvard professor ignites uproar over 'comfort women' claims
–– Massaged facts?

Fox's Brian Kilmeade says Russia, China, and Iran 'plow through' cancel culture because 'they actually know what the threat is'
–– Lay critics on ground, run plow over them.

Report: "Clear evidence" China is committing genocide against Uyghurs
–– Chinese 'whatta' torture!

’Problem films' get screen time as channel defies cancel culture
–– Turner Classless Movies.

‘Lovecraft Country’ Extra Says Her Skin Was Darkened On Set, HBO ‘Taking Steps to Ensure This Doesn’t Occur Again’
–– When actors appear as alternate versions of characters with different complexions, audience will be instructed to adjust tone, contrast on set.

Box Office: 'Raya and the Last Dragon' No. 1 With Soft $8.6M Debut
–– Ham on Raya.

Why ‘Raya and the Last Dragon’ Disappointed at the Renewed Box Office
–– COVID doesn’t destroy that kind of taste.

‘WandaVision' director says Elizabeth Olsen's input is the reason the Scarlet Witch costume can 'actually function'
–– Added Abracazipper.

LeBron cancels Le Pew: Looney Tunes skunk Pepé has been cut from the 'Space Jam' sequel
–– Scent packing.

Kristen Johnston Says She ‘Married’ Drugs After 3rd Rock from the Sun Ended, Calls Addiction ‘Very Abusive’
–– 4th rock on were ones you smoke.

A meteor rattled buildings as it streaked across the sky above Vermont
–– Mostly sugar shacks, outhouses.

Alaska woman using outhouse attacked by bear, from below
–– Please god, tell us she didn’t take photos.

Should Your Dog Be Sleeping in Your Bed?
––– Ask yourself one question: am I sexually aroused in morning?

Experimental Toothpaste Might Treat Peanut Allergy
–– Might not, so avoid peanut butter pancakes.

How Bad Is It To Wear A Tight Hair Tie Around Your Wrist?
–– Can it cause braid damage?

Trump’s own defense secretary says it's 'pretty much definitive' he caused the Capitol riot
–– This from spineless 'acting' Secretary chosen for abject fealty.

New Video Shows Person Suspected Of Planting Pipe Bombs Before Capitol Riot
–– Carrying bag of 100% Pure Trump Manure.

Trump appointee who was arrested after participating in the Capitol riot asked a judge if he could be transferred to a cell with no cockroaches
–– Afraid they’d clash with those in head.

A Capitol riot defendant wants her trial moved to Texas because she says DC is 'too anti-Trump' and 'politically correct'
–– Have any other euphemisms for 'ghetto?'

Feds expect to charge at least 100 more over Capitol riot, pursuing broad conspiracy
–– Promoting mass infarceration.

Putin: US Capitol unrest was a 'stroll'
–– US Capitol: Putin is ‘troll.’

Ted Cruz Raises Money By Signing, Selling Copies Of Dr. Seuss Book He Did Not Write
–– And can’t read.

Angry Pillow Man Makes Wild Promises About New ‘Free Speech’ Social Network
–– None wilder than he knows what 'free speech' means.

As Syria mourns lost decade, impotent UN admits failures
–– Can’t even mount argument.

Egypt receives rare international rebuke for human rights violations
–– Sisi: ‘No, no!’

Hemiandrus jacinda: insect named after New Zealand prime minister
–– Cricket match.

“The Quintessential Leading Man": Behind Critics Choice Host Taye Diggs' Looks
–– Taye Diggs? Philip Michael Thomas turned them down?

'Justice League' producer Deborah Snyder shares how she and husband Zack overcame the grief of their daughter's suicide to make the 'Snyder cut' a reality
–– And other PR strategies.

'Justice League' producer Deborah Snyder says she reported an 'incident' involving Joss Whedon back in 2017
–– Whedon might be a jerk, but does anyone deserve unspecifed 'incident' charges?

Sigourney Weaver Singles Out ‘Aliens’ as Best-Constructed and ‘Most Satisfying’ Ripley Movie
–– And only watchable one.

Eddie Murphy And Arsenio Hall Say They Were Forced To Hire A White Actor
–– Louie Anderson weighed in.

Eddie Murphy and John Landis clashed their way through three big, unwieldy comic vehicles
–– Which must’ve been funnier than what’s on screen.

Eddie Murphy took 6 years off from making movies because he was tired of winning worst actor Razzie awards
–– Boo who.

Eddie Murphy reveals that working on 'sh---y' movies made him so depressed that he stopped acting for 8 years
–– His 'sh---y' movies made us quit watching him.

‘New Jack City' at 30: Wesley Snipes recalls meeting Ice-T, ambitions to make 'The Black Godfather'
–– Why no sequel Old Jack City?

HBO Max accidentally showed the long-awaited 'Snyder Cut' of 'Justice League' when people clicked on 'Tom and Jerry’
–– Like you were hoping for cat food, were served dog scraps.

25 Years Later, ‘The Birdcage’ Is Hollywood’s Most Monumental Gay Movie
–– As in light, fun, too.

Elle Macpherson, 56, bares all in swimming pool shoot: 'Still got it after all these decades'
–– Not going to click. Not going to click…hey, they blurred her tuchas!

Rosamund Pike Says She Buries Her Awards in Her Garden: 'I Think It's Awkward' to Display Them
–– ‘And worms seem to like them.’

Vegas parties, celebrities and boozy lunches: How legal titan Tom Girardi seduced the State Bar
–– At wet bar.

Razzies: Robert Downey Jr and Anne Hathaway nominated for 'worst acting'
–– Both pulled a hammy.

Safdies-produced Paul Reubens documentary to bring us one step closer to super-dark Pee-wee movie
–– Skeevy Herman?

Seth Rogen’s New Cannabis Website Crashes After Experiencing High Demand
–– How many hits, dude?

“What I Want Out of Life Is to Be Loved": Kim Novak on Healing After Leaving Hollywood
–– Life: “Sure, kid, we’ll get back to you.”

Stacey Dash Apologizes For Past Controversies: ‘I Was The Angry, Conservative, Black Woman’
–– ‘Now I'm smiling, apolitical one who needs work.'

If you think sandwiches are boring, here are 16 in Charlotte to change your mind.
–– Who the hell thinks they’re boring?

A Practical Guide to Swallows, the Heart of Many Cuisines
–– Think we prefer spits.

Meet the Sea Slugs That Chop Off Their Own Heads
–– Yes, that's right, just nod.

How one photographer caught a glimpse of the elusive Florida panther
–– And how he’s learning to use camera with one hand.

If You're Thinking About Taking Antidepressants Right Now, You're Not Alone
–– So are people in room you're hallucinating.

What really works to help an aging brain. It’s not going to function like it did in your 20s, but there are things you can do.
–– For men, try to remember sex every thirty minutes.

Bees can remember human faces –– and 7 other surprising facts about these important insects
–– 7. But they’re terrible with names.

Billions of cicadas may be coming soon to trees near you
–– Billions in the three trees near us? Help!!

These fossilized lamprey hatchlings disprove an age-old evolutionary theory
–– That you can draw these creatures without making them look like SpongeBob characters.

British royal family plunged into crisis after Harry and Meghan allege racism and neglect in Oprah interview
–– Meghan blood curdle.

Prince Harry and William to reunite at unveiling of Diana statue as they move past rift
–– Di another day.

New Zealand 'not likely' to become a republic in wake of Harry and Meghan interview, says Jacinda Ardern
–– Don’t make state decisions based on celebrity interviews?

Oprah, Meghan and Harry Draw 17.1 Million Viewers to CBS
–– 5 million less than other bimbo Stormy Daniels.

Meghan Markle's 'Suits' Co-Star Wendell Pierce Rips Her Interview With Oprah
–– Suits us fine.

Piers Morgan quits ‘Good Morning Britain’ after backlash over his Meghan Markle comments
–– Piers out at.

Piers Morgan Demands Apology From CBS’ ‘The Talk’ for "Disgraceful Slurs"
–– Racial mad Ow!

The Striking Similarities Between Meghan Markle's Revelations and How Princess Diana Described Royal Life
–– Kind of like Melania Markle and Michelle Obama.

Rupert Grint Recalls “Suffocating” Experience of Filming Harry Potter for an Entire Decade
–– Was Ron down?

Drug clan leader testifies he bribed Honduran president with $250,000
–– Hernandez deeply embarrassed –– could’ve got 10x as much.

Honduran president urged drug trafficker to 'shove' cocaine 'right up the noses of the gringos,' U.S. alleges
–– Failed smell test.

Mexico approves landmark medical cannabis bill in hopes of combatting powerful drug cartels
–– If you can't beat ‘em, joint ‘em.

’Fake heiress' who conned US elite says being called a sociopath is a compliment
–– So 'f**king socipath' higher praise?

Silver Diadem Found in Spain May Point to Bronze Age Woman's Political Power
–– Or King who loved his bling.

Tyrannosaur Teens Didn’t Have the Bone-Crushing Bite of Adults
–– Chew on that.

Teen Stabbed Dad Believing ‘Shapeshifting Reptile’ Was Inside––Court Files
–– But in court evil skink was shown to maintain form.

America Is Not Made for People Who Pee
–– Perfect for those full of shit.

She brought diverse skin tones emoji to the iPhone. Now she’s suing Apple.
–– Not bright cartoon yellow?

Girl who sparked online hate campaign ending in French teacher’s beheading 'never attended class’
–– Told big fatwa lie.

Woman Faces Possible Hate Crimes After Using Racial Slurs, Spitting on Asians Mountain View
–– So they couldn’t see Fuji?

Biden’s wooing both labor and environmentalists on climate change. Oil pipelines may drive them apart.
–– Brings out crude in them.

Ashley Judd says she's 'drowning in trauma' and experiencing 'savage agony' in recovery from Congo rainforest fall
–– But seems to have done wonders for metaphorical powers.

A woman living in Hialeah disappeared. Cops say they found her in her husband’s backyard
–– Not reclining on chaise sipping daiquiri?

Myanmar protesters hang up women’s clothes and underwear — relying on superstition to deter security forces
–– Girdle for battle.

Senegal protests: The country is ‘on the verge of an apocalypse’
–– Like Dakar to heart?

Pope Francis calls for hope over hatred amid ruins of Mosul church
–– Mosul tov!

Etna keeps up its spectacular explosions; ash rains on towns
–– Icky-spew.

New York State Senate majority leader says Gov. Andrew Cuomo ‘must resign’
–– She better have crow bar.

Former presidents — except Trump — cut ad urging Americans to get vaccinated for COVID-19
–– He does PSA for taking shots at predecessors.

Biden COVID Adviser: I ‘Tip My Hat’ to Trump Admin for Vaccine Development, Distribution
–– And flip the bird for every other inch of their response.

‘The most unusual day': How March 11, 2020, marked the start of the COVID era
–– Sounds like children’s book that should’ve been canceled.

Covid case and death rates were higher in GOP-led states in second half of 2020, study finds
–– Woohoo, Dems win!

Fauci: Covid death toll 'would have shocked me completely,' blames 'mixed messages'
–– Like messages on face masks that you ‘mixed.’

Mississippi Governor Defends Ending Mask Mandate, Says Goal 'Has Never Been to Rid Ourselves of the Virus’
–– Missanthropy.

Syrian President and his wife test positive for Covid-19
–– Virus working way down list to lowest life forms.

Fear of needles may keep many people away from Covid vaccines
–– Or preference for death?

Houston Police Chief calls lifting statewide mask mandate "a step in the wrong direction"
–– Towards Boot Hill.

It’s Probably OK to Be Optimistic About Bands Announcing Fall Tours
–– But it really comes down to which bands, doesn’t it?

In 2018, Diplomats Warned of Risky Coronavirus Experiments in a Wuhan Lab. No One Listened.
–– Were fighting off screeching infected bats.

The WHO said it still hasn't written off the 'extremely unlikely' theory that the coronavirus escaped from a Wuhan lab
–– Until PCP provides them with new cover story.

Dutch inventor of the cassette tape, Lou Ottens, dies age 94
–– Permanently rewound.

CBS News veteran Roger Mudd, who derailed a Kennedy with one question, dead at 93
–– Here's Mudd in your 'Died.'

Carla Wallenda, member of 'The Flying Wallendas' high-wire act, dies at 85
–– Went wire to wire.