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Week of 02/26/21

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

A spoof advertisement with Ron DeSantis sleeping in bed wearing a CPAP-style mask attached to a CPAC machine as he dreams of a bumper sticker that reads TRUMP 2024 above the tag line 'Dream on!'CPAC Orlando: DeSantis calls Florida an ‘oasis of freedom’ as some resist COVID-19 mask rule
–– Like Virus Beach.

Nine Oath Keepers indicted over Capitol attack
–– Enough for White Sux prison softball team.

Trump to speak at CPAC in first public appearance since leaving White House, while Pence declines invitation
–– CPAC of lies.

CPAC crowd boos when asked to wear masks
–– Until told it was of Trump’s face.

Don Jr. slammed Republicans who 'lose gracefully' and said that Trump showed 'you can actually push back'
–– How about ones like him who ‘live disgracefully?’

This CPAC ‘golden calf’ Trump statue is spurring backlash of biblical proportions
–– Tweeteth storm.

Jim Jordan says Trump should lead GOP after keeping promises over four years in office
–– Sworn to a frazzle.

How Rick Scott Is Trying to Bridge the Trump-McConnell Divide
–– With his tiny needle dick.

U.S. notified Israel in advance about strike on Iran-backed militia facilities in Syria
–– Bibi’s BBs swelled.

Democrats renew push for war powers overhaul after Biden’s Syria strike
–– Strike while irony’s hot.

Biden makes clear Saudi crown prince won't have same sweeping access as Trump years
–– Did he find body parts under rug?

Saudi Crown Prince Approved Operation That Killed Khashoggi U.S. Reprt Says
–– So now he'll finally get his…

Biden Won’t Penalize Saudi Crown Prince Over Khashoggi’s Killing, Fearing Relations Breach
–– …name taken off Medal of Freedom nominees list.

Biden visits Bob Dole following cancer diagnosis
–– Just like Trump with McCain, remember?

Many of Biden’s nominees of color run into turbulence in the Senate
–– Experience white-out?

Kennedy: I’m sorry for calling Haaland a ‘whack job’
–– ‘It’s jest that ah identified so deeply with her.'

Tanden’s OMB confirmation on brink of collapse after two GOP senators say they won't support her nomination
–– No Neera to nomination.

Biden says U.S. will hold Russia accountable over Crimea
–– Sees Putin as ‘crimier.’

Democrats Beat Trump in 2020. Now They're Asking: What Went Wrong?
–– Haven’t woke up to obvious?

Stephen Miller, the architect of Trump's migrant-family-separation scheme, called Biden's immigration policies 'cruel' and 'inhumane'
–– Beamed in from Bizarro World.

Some Texans got electric bills up to $17,000 after the storm. How does that happen?
–– Well, utility company prints up bill and mails to customer or posts online.

Texas lieutenant governor says people getting huge energy bills 'gambled on a very, very low rate' - but suggests they won't have to pay the full amount
–– In very, very low state.

Ted Cruz under fire after Texas winter storm ‘photo op’ shows him handing out water to residents
–– Cruz in for a bruisin'.

GOP congressman from Texas slams Ted Cruz as it emerges he took his college roommate on Cancun trip
–– Road trip and can't get up.

While Cruz was traveling from Cancun, O'Rourke and AOC helped Texans in crisis
–– It’s great for pols when CNN hires your press agents.

Hillary Clinton mocks Ted Cruz after he reportedly left his pet dog, Snowflake, behind amid Texas' storm
–– Rep has Snowflake’s chance in Hell.

Ted Cruz tries joke at CPAC: 'Orlando is awesome. It's not as nice as Cancún.'
–– He kills. Self.

Supreme Court Denies Trump’s Final Bid to Block Release of Financial Records
–– With explanation how the heck it took over five years?

Trump’s tax returns have been turned over to Manhattan district attorney
–– A Vance warning.

MyPillow’s Mike Lindell hit with $1.3 billion lawsuit over election fraud claims
–– Like brick in pillow case.

Experts say Dominion and Smartmatic could win their defamation lawsuits, but MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell says they have 'zero' chance
–– Won't lay down for it?

Critics slam Sen. Ron Johnson for unfounded claim that ‘fake Trump protesters’ led riots: ‘It’s disgraceful’
–– Dope Rate Antifa So Low.

Pelosi mocks McConnell for criticizing commission on the Capitol insurrection: GOP Sen. 'Ron Johnson seems to be taking the lead'
–– Johnson wacks.

McConnell says he'll 'absolutely' support Trump in 2024 if he's the GOP nominee
–– Especially if he's actually convicted of a few crimes.

Jimmy Kimmel Blasts Marjorie Taylor Greene: 'Frontrunner For Worst Human Of '21'
–– Like she has any chance against reigning champ Trump.

Husband of Hitler-quoting GOP congresswoman parked his militia-stickered truck outside Capitol Jan. 6
–– By sign that read Reich Turn Only.

Supreme Court denies election appeal from Pennsylvania Republicans
–– Heil Mary fails.

Justice Clarence Thomas reveals some sympathy for Trump's baseless fraud claims
–– Appeals to bone-stupid in him.

Capitol riot defendants facing jail have regrets. Judges aren’t buying it.
–– Elaborate rues.

Former US Capitol Police chief to say intelligence didn't point to a riot on January 6
–– No, because motivated by morons, but why didn’t you anticipate?

Capitol Police chief says extremists have discussed attack on Congress during Biden’s first joint address
–– Geniuses also threaten to kidnap President Harrison Ford.

As fractures emerge among Proud Boys, experts warn of a shift toward extremist violence
–– Mostly in skulls.

Transgender Oath Keeper petitions for release from jail following charges relating to the Capitol siege, reportedly citing safety fears
–– Both far right and left really confused.

Rep. Scalise: Don't pinpoint blame on Trump
–– Pinhead blame.

’You did the unthinkable': Ohio's Anthony Gonzalez faces fury over impeachment vote
–– ‘You thought!’

Defense Department watchdog to review Trump's decision to relocate U.S. Space Command
–– Not sure if choice of Vulcan ‘well thought out.’

Workers at Trump's D.C. restaurant say suppliers would deliberately send them rotten produce
–– Created blonde 'wigs' with straw for over-ripe pumpkins.

NYC shutting Central Park ice rinks run by Trump Organisation early
–– Putting 250 people out of work not named Trump.

NYC Reverses Course, Lets Trump Org. Keep Central Park Ice Rinks Open for Season
–– DeBlasio skates backwards, lands double-asshole.

Gov. Ron DeSantis says he'll order flags flown at half-staff to honor Rush Limbaugh
–– Will hang own balls mid-thigh.

Georgia Republicans seek to end Sunday early voting, a popular election method for Black voters
–– Scummy, but they can’t reset clocks?

New Georgia legislation would curb ‘souls to the polls’
–– Guess they don’t want ghosts voting.

‘His face was in your windshield': Police skeptical South Dakota AG didn't know he fatally struck a pedestrian
–– Mistook it for Garfield sticker.

Scientists see stronger evidence of slowing Atlantic Ocean circulation, an ‘Achilles’ heel’ of the climate
–– So get out there and paddle.

Iceberg larger than New York City breaks off the Brunt Ice Shelf in Antarctica
–– Who'll bare Brunt?

COP26: Mark Carney accused of ‘greenwashing’ ahead of UK climate summit
–– Casting non-Martians in Martian roles?

Opinion: The U.S. put a man on the moon. But it might be harder to do the same on Mars.
–– Might?! That’s one bold opinion.

How Rolling Hills Estates residents woke up to the Tiger Woods crash: ‘Oh no, another one.’
–– 'Hooked the dog leg, again.'

Tiger Woods has a long, uncertain road ahead after car crash, emergency doctor says
–– And he better not be driving.

Lady Gaga's dog walker shot, two of her French bulldogs stolen
–– Hunting dogs suspected.

A 'Pineapple Express' is headed for the rain-soaked Northwest
–– Now have to suffer Seth Rogen stoner comedy?

Mr. Potato Head Brand Goes Gender Neutral (Sort Of)
–– Tuber be or tuber not to be?

Megan Thee Stallion fans slam 'bland' magazine photo shoot that she helped edit
–– Was that mane criticism?

Mets’ Sandy Alderson on if he'll attend Yoenis Cespedes showcase: 'We're going to rent horses'
–– Lame ones?

Female track star on lawsuit to stop trans athletes from competing: ‘Biological males are taking our medals’
–– But what would she know?

Gillian Anderson to Star Alongside Viola Davis, Michelle Pfeiffer in Showtime's 'First Lady'
–– As look-alike Eleanor Roosevelt, and, for extra realism, Pfeiffer as Betty Ford.

L.A. Times Reveals HFPA Has Zero Black Members, Raises New Questions About Ethics of Golden Globe Voter
–– Ethics or Ethnics?

World braced for 'divorce of the century' as Kim Kardashian and Kayne West divide up billions
–– Split the bit.

Here’s How ‘The Simpsons’ Brought Back the Late Marcia Wallace to Say Goodbye to Mrs. Krabappel
–– Unfortunate crossover episode with Fear the Walking Dead.

Anthony Hopkins is welcoming old age by embracing his inner child
–– Who keeps telling him it’s gross.

What Frances McDormand Would (and Wouldn’t) Give to ‘Nomadland’
–– She held back some tics?

Daft Punk, the influential French dance music duo, are splitting up after 28 years
–– Daft’s all, folks.

Jay-Z sells half of his Champagne brand to owner of Dom Pérignon
–– Flat fee.

Here’s Why People Are Saying 'Hamilton' Is 'Canceled'
–– Brr, sir.

Disney Keeps 80% of Streaming Revenue By Calling It ‘Home Video’
–– Still trying to fit VHS tape in Roku.

Chelsea Handler, 46, Goes Skiing in Birthday Suit 
–– Displays her rack.

A middle schooler was insecure about his haircut. So his principal fixed it himself instead of disciplining the boy for wearing a hat
–– Took head clean off.

Arizona Man Faked His Own Kidnapping to Get Out of Work
–– Demands $15 an hour ransom.

Fifth Person Attacked by Coyote California Says It Is ‘Terrorizing’ People
–– Hard to argue.

Three people killed, two injured, in shooting at gun store in Louisiana
–– Like orgy at sex shop.

Oklahoma man accused of triple murder confessed to killing neighbor and cooking her heart ‘with potatoes,’ investigators say
–– Pot au Phooey.

Husband Attempts to Drown Wife, Bury Her at Coronado Beach, Police Say
–– But only brought plastic kid’s pail, shovel.

Woman Arrested After Allegedly Crashing Car, Calmly Fleeing Scene in Uber in Miami Beach
–– She really needed Lyft.

They were stopped for speeding in the Keys. Then police smelled something fishy
–– It's the freakin’ Keys!

Woman Allegedly Throws Snowball at Asian Man's Car and Calls Him a 'F**king C**nk' in Washington
–– Frosty the Bigot.

37 People Share What Their Teacher Did To Automatically Gain Their Respect, And It's The Most Wholesome Thing I've Seen All Day
–– But you work for sewer that’s BuzzFeed.

Why do some birds hop and others walk?
–– Hot pavement?

5 Bathroom Items Aren't Worth Keeping, According to People Who Just Decluttered
–– 3. Colonic Cherry Bomb.

Panda marks half-birthday on Sunday
–– Guess you expect a present, you selfish brat. Here’s half a bamboo shoot.

What Are Sperm Telling Us?
–– Let us press ears to your crotch.

United Airlines flight suffers engine failure, sending debris falling on neighborhoods outside Denver
–– Cooled their jets.

FAA orders fan blade inspections after pattern of engine-related failures
–– As it whirr.

Alexey Navalny remains in jail as court rejects his appeal. Then he's fined $11,500 in defamation case
–– Remains poison of interest.

U.S. deports 95-year-old who was a Nazi concentration camp guard
–– Couldn't send straight to Hell?

Man wins 130k payout after slipping on spilt Baileys at Heathrow
–– Creamed jeans in fall.

A message in ‘The Scream’ stumped historians for years. Now they think they know the ‘madman.’
–– Munch fish.

We tried Nuggs, the plant-based chicken that’s all over Instagram
–– Nyuk nyuk Nuggs.

‘The Croods 2’ Leads Depleted U.S. Box Office
–– BO on Croods control?

‘Frasier' is being rebooted, with Kelsey Grammer reprising the role 17 years after show ended
–– Raising Crane.

Yes, this Oscar season has no blockbuster contenders. Why that's a good thing
–– This culture entirely about mediocrity.

Sia’s Golden Globe-Nominated Music Isn’t Just Offensive. It’s Also Bad Art—and the Distinction Matters
–– A little tough to Sia.

Director RJ Cutler on his Billie Eilish documentary: ‘She is simply incapable of a dishonest moment’
–– Or an interesting one.

Nathan Lane Teases ‘The Birdcage’ Sequel: ‘This Idea Is So Good’
–– Even with Robin Williams animatronic robot?

Chloë Grace Moretz Says She's 'A Better Actor Now' After Filming Tom and Jerry
–– ‘Really, I’m way better than that dreadful performance in that POS. Honest.’

Time’s Up Condemns Brett Ratner’s Return: ‘There Should Be No Comeback’
–– Movie fans with ounce of taste: ‘We second that!’

James Franco Settles Sexual Misconduct Suit
–– Paid The Deuce?

Former Buffy and Angel crew members detail Joss Whedon's toxic work environment
–– Joss: The Revenge.

Warner Bros. Exec Claims Studio Quickly Realized Joss Whedon's 'Justice League' Was a 'Piece of Sh*t'
–– Once it saw town piling on Whedon.

Zendaya Says Her ‘Agency Was Stripped Away’ by Backlash Over ‘Malcolm & Marie’ White Director
–– Talent or advertising?

Lakeith Stanfield Says He Needed Therapy After Filming 'Judas and The Black Messiah'
–– Not acting lessons?

'Judas' writer asks: Does art have a place in the face of social injustice?
–– Specifically bad art?

Andra Day Calls Out Former FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover: 'He Is the Hitler for Black People. The Man Was a Demon'
–– Hitler was sort of Hitler for black people, too.

A 'Superman' reboot — with a potential Black Man of Steel — is on the way from Ta-Nehisi Coates and J.J. Abrams
–– Susceptible to Criptonite?

Opinion: Obama and Springsteen's podcast reveals a key problem
–– I’m a Millennial woman who distrusts older men.

Joanna Gaines Says She'll Get a Tattoo of the Number 16 in Honor of Husband Chip When He Dies
–– Adds, she ‘can’t wait.’

Sienna Miller: 'I go in and negotiate as if I’m a man'
–– Who hasn’t had hit since 2014’s American Sniper.

Bruce Springsteen’s Drunken-Driving Charges Are Dismissed
–– High ding on the backstreets.

Let’s talk about ‘Starship Troopers’ and other science fiction and fantasy novels that wowed us on screen
–– Not if that wowed you.

Brooke Shields says she broke her leg and is learning how to walk again
–– Broke Shields.

Golf world rallies around Michelle Wie West following Rudy Giuliani's 'highly inappropriate' comments on Steve Bannon podcast
–– Another Rudy valley.

Mom speaks out after school finds her OnlyFans account and expels her sons: 'It's body shaming and bullying'
–– Was just to get Catholic School priests to log off.

Could GoFundMe campaigns save our cultural collections? Las Vegas’s Pinball Hall of Fame is banking on it.
–– There's a new Tilt.

Can Atlantic City recover? It may take more than blowing up the Trump hotel
–– Maybe if he’d been in it?

Fry's Electronics suddenly went out of business
–– Fried.

Why a fake commute could pave the way to work-from-home balance
–– To your nonexistent job.

This new Azerbaijani bakery offers stories as good as its pastries
–– Never want to hear that about food store.

Oil is up nearly 70% since the election, a record in the modern era
–– Pumped up.

Fox anchor suspended after saying he was ‘annoyed’ at obese people getting Covid vaccine
–– Can’t dis 85% of viewers.

Boris Johnson: "We will now aim to offer a jab to every adult by the end of July"
–– Offers examples of expected insults.

'Someone please shoot that dog!' orders Boris Johnson, after Dilyn chewed priceless books and furniture
–– Wait, there are enough vaccine doses for his dog!?

Russian diplomats had to ride a hand-power railcar out of North Korea due to covid restrictions
–– In latest comedy short of Troika Stooges.

Former Trump official details "grave misstep" in COVID response
–– Led to stepping into grave.

Two Democratic governors see stars dimmed by virus woes
–– C-woe-mo, Knew-some.

Two Floridians attempted to get second doses of the Covid-19 vaccine by dressing as elderly women
–– Were also administered Geritol boosters.

Harris addresses vaccine hesitancy in DC pharmacy visit
–– Hesitancy has no reply.

WHO says still has no details from Tanzania COVID-19 response
–– Gee, let us sign up for text alerts.

Russia reports world's first case of human infection with H5N8 bird flu
–– Flight risk.

Fauci: 'Possible' Americans will be wearing masks in 2022 to protect against Covid-19
–– Out of nostalgia, we hope.

Lawrence Ferlinghetti, celebrated Beat poet and publisher, dies aged 101
–– That Beat’s all.

Fanne Foxe, ‘Argentine Firecracker’ at center of D.C. sex scandal, dies at 84
–– Buried on Fanne hill.

‘O-o-h Child’ Singer James Burke, of the Five Stairsteps, Dies at 70
–– Steps down.

Ronald Pickup Dies: Actor In ‘Best Exotic Marigold Hotel’ Films, ‘The Crown’ & Dozens Of Other Shows Was 80
–– Pickup dropped off.