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El No-no
Week of 02/19/21

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott at a news conference blaming his state's winter blackouts on alternative energy while he wears a beanie with a wind turbine atop it and Ted Cruz in the form of a cloud blows at it.Texas Gov. Greg Abbott blames wind turbines, Green New Deal policies for outages. Critics call that ‘a lie.'
–– Yeah, sure, in windmills of your mind.

US officially rejoins Paris climate agreement 
–– Awarded solar-powered French tickler.

Millions without power in Texas as cold snap throttles energy supply and electric grid
–– And Ted Cruz's hot air reserve.

Sen. Ted Cruz faces storm of controversy for flying to Cancun as Texas grapples with power outages caused by severe weather
–– Achieved Cruz altitude.

Texas seceded from the nation’s power grid. Now it’s paying the price.
–– Lone stark state.

Power outages caused by winter storm force rolling blackouts across Texas
–– And not just in drunken roadhouses.

'The Simpsons' 'Predicted' Ted Cruz's Cancun Trip Nearly 30 Years Ago
–– Could not have predicted more of these lazy, absurd ‘news stories’.

Donald Trump Jr.’s Defense Of Ted Cruz’s Cancun Trip Contains 1 Embarrassing Error
–– His mouth.

Biden team struggles to specify when schools will open, normalcy will return
–– When will they learn to just lie?

Fact check: Biden makes at least four false statistical claims at CNN town hall
–– That’s more like it. Oh, he just forgot?

Biden has started erasing Trump’s legacy. Now the hard part starts.
–– Has ordered gross of Wite-out.

Biden Defends Democracy at Summits With European Allies, Seeing China as ‘Stiff’ Competition
–– Are better at killing opposition.

Kremlin tells West to pull back from idea of Navalny-related sanctions
–– Don’t want to poison waters. Maybe Maxine Waters.

Texas weather crisis deepens Chinese belief they're 'on right path', says foreign ministry
–– Should get to Ruin first.

Pentagon chief urges immediate reduction in Taliban violence
–– Asks really, really nice.

Under Biden, Justice Department presses fight against Omarosa
–– O moroser doth the maiden weep.

Biden defends price of relief plan
–– Insists it’s ‘big f**king deal.’

Inside the new President's routine: Oval Office fires and early bedtimes
–– Toasted s’nores.

Ambassador sweepstakes underway as figures jockey for plum posts
–– In Triple Clown.

McConnell blames Trump for riot, but voted to acquit anyway
–– Claims, ‘Winners never quit, acquitters never win.’

Trump triumphantly declares MAGA movement 'has only just begun' after Senate acquittal
–– Names Carpenters official band.

House's No. 2 Republican drops by Mar-a-Lago amid GOP divide over Trump
–– or Drops a Deuce.

Democrats introduce bill to bar 'twice impeached' presidents from Arlington Cemetery burial
–– Monumentally petty, but dead-on.

Trump inauguration donor sentenced to 12 years for illegal contribution, obstruction
–– Kicking self he didn’t get sentenced before Trump could pardon.

North Carolina GOP censures Sen. Burr for Trump impeachment vote. Burr calls that 'truly sad' for the GOP.
–– Burr under their saddle.

David Schoen 'canceled' for representing Trump in impeachment trial
–– Schoen door?

Trump reportedly turned down Nikki Haley's request for a Mar-a-Lago meeting
–– Nikki triaj.

Senate Votes Unanimously to Award Capitol Police Officer Eugene Goodman the Congressional Gold Medal
–– Goodman is hard to find.

L. Brent Bozell IV, descendant of prominent conservative family, charged in Capitol breach
–– Bozell the Clown.

Late-night talks and a moment of chaos: Inside the Democrats’ eleventh-hour decision to forgo impeachment witnesses
–– Decided to hold until next impeachment.

Impeachment Manager: We Needed 'More Senators With Spines,' Not Witnesses
–– Don’t try to worm your way out of it.

The Senate got smoking-gun evidence of Trump’s guilt. 43 Republicans didn’t care.
–– They were ‘smoking’ Trump’s ‘pistol.’

Trump got off on a technicality
–– Copy of Constitution rolled into tube, filled with lube.

Six far-right militia members who guarded Trump ally Roger Stone ‘entered US Capitol during riots’
–– Six-pack of Dingling.

Melania Trump disengaged from her husband's second impeachment trial and bitter over Jill Biden's publicity
–– Disengaged from reality.

Melania Trump has been 'bitter and chilly' toward her husband because of her tarnished reputation, a report says
–– As opposed to typical ‘resentful and frigid.’

Graham while criticizing Trump's impeachment trial: 'I don't know how Kamala Harris doesn't get impeached if the Republicans take over the House'
–– Pig tries to muddy waters by just getting in.

Biden Calls for Gun Control Legislation on Parkland Shooting Anniversary
–– Cake has three candles in shape of semi-autimatic rifle.

Marjorie Taylor Greene calls for armed troops to be placed in schools on Parkland anniversary
–– We call for one placed outside her office to keep her in.

Ivanka Trump, Devastating the Nation, Says She Won’t Run for U.S. Senate in 2022
–– Serious, Fox News or Sarcastic, Vanity Fair?

ICE officers will need preapproval before arresting some illegal immigrants under new rules
–– That’s bad thing? Oh, Fox News, so, yeah.

Cancel culture is the ‘number one’ issue in America, Jim Jordan claims amid pandemic
–– As in he’s pissing you.

Democrats Flirt with Destroying Another Senate Guardrail
–– After Republicans drove 18-wheeler through it over cliff?

Facebook’s ‘Supreme Court’ Faces Its First Major Test
–– Allowing Justice Kavanaugh, in beer-stupor, to preside.

Scrap the romantic ballads. Use this eclectic playlist for your first Valentine’s Day stuck at home.
–– If you hate mate.

1 dead, 4 injured in Valentine's Day mall shootings in Phoenix and North Charleston, South Carolina
–– Bad, but not exactly Chicago Massacre.

LAPD investigating ‘You take my breath away’ George Floyd-themed Valentine photo
–– From Sick Venom Unit.

Revealed: chemicals giant sold Louisiana plant amid fears over cost of offsetting toxic emissions
–– Dupont circled.

South Dakota AG Ravnsborg, who allegedly fatally struck man with car, escapes felony charges
–– In this week's Holy Coinkydink!

Garbage truck driver arrested in California Sandalwood fire that killed two people
–– Court dumps on him.

Mafia Framed Nurse After Killing Doctor Who Treated Cosa Nostra Boss
–– Prescription was 'Apply ice.'

After 68 years in prison, America's oldest juvenile lifer was released
–– Talk about Dead End Kid.

Toro issues nationwide recall for a snow blower that carries the risk of amputation
–– Costs arm and leg?

Elon Musk Says Bitcoin ‘Almost as BS’ as Regular Money
–– But not as much as Tesla market value?

How Long Will Joe Biden Pretend Narendra Modi's India Is a Democratic Ally?
–– While pretending half of world is?

Mexico City ban on plastic raises tampon concerns for women
–– Insertin; future.

When the Dalai Lama dies, his reincarnation will be a religious crisis. Here's what could happen
–– Richard Gere might prop him up in back of SUV with arm extended like he’s waving, and drive him around Nepal for couple of years.

Does ‘Syrian trio’ of Russia, Iran and Turkey have a future?
–– Can expect thruple trouble.

Nigeria’s president calls for calm after clashes in southwest Oyo state
–– Oyo? Cómo va!

Princess Latifa 'being cared for at home' - Dubai royal family
–– By Equalizer.

Camels ‘Confused’ by Snow as Video of Saudi Arabia’ Winter Storm Goes Viral
–– Never get over hump.

Naked hotel guests in South Korea shocked to discover mirrored glass in sauna was actually see-through
–– Glass so fogged up on both sides they couldn’t be seen.

Prince Harry & Meghan Markle Confirm They Won’t Return to Royal Roles: ‘All Are Saddened,’ Says Queen
–– ‘Those are sobs, not chuckles we are hearing.’

Deputy White House press secretary resigns amid fallout from contentious phone call with reporter
–– Lame Ducklo.

Tim Tebow announces his retirement from professional baseball: 'I’ll always cherish my time as a Met'
–– Mr. Met: "Who?"

With 'Men in Kilts,' two 'Outlander' stars espouse Scottish independence. Gently
–– Dangle it under wraps.

Box Office: ‘The Croods 2’ Tops ‘Judas and the Black Messiah’
–– Croods over doods.

‘It’s a Sin’ Star Neil Patrick Harris Amazed by Younger Generation’s View on Sexuality: ‘The Labeling and Stigma Is Just Not There’
–– Unless referring to straight, white male.

Sorry, millennials. The 😂 emoji isn't cool anymore
–– And getting coolness advice from CNN is?

Viggo Mortensen Says Universal ‘Retreated for Too Long’ During ‘Green Book’ Backlash
–– Studios subscribe to Yellow Book.

Young Rock’ Casts Its Vince McMahon and ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage
–– Along for the roids.

'Sex and the City' Star Chris Noth Is Not Returning as Mr. Big in Revival: Report
–– Noth for nothing.

Johnny Galecki had a brilliant response to Kaley Cuoco implying their relationship was boring
–– The Little Bang?

The ‘Gorilla Glue girl’ saga drew ridicule but also a sense of community among others
–– Who love ridicule.

Autistic Community Unsettled by Sia’s Film ‘Music,’ an Offensive Piece of ‘Ableist Minstrelsy’
–– Sorta Jim Cwor.

Everybody’s Shocked the ‘Justice League’ Snyder Cut Trailer Used ‘We Live In a Society’ Meme
–– We live in society where anyone gives shit?

Jason Biggs Weighs In on the “Very Tricky” Situation of Introducing His Kids to American Pie
–– Began by poking finger in McDonald’s Apple Pie.

Ryan O'Neal Gets Hollywood Star Next to Love Story Costar Ali MacGraw—and Late Longtime Love Farrah Fawcett
–– Means never having to say he’s sorry for all those lousy films?

Sean Connery? He never stood anyone a round’: Roald Dahl’s love-hate relationship with Hollywood
–– Ale Bondsman.

Kevin James’ ‘The Crew’ Rehashes Lazy, Sexist Sitcom Clichés: TV Review
–– Your critic and target audience.

Machine Gun Kelly says he wears girlfriend Megan Fox's blood around his neck
–– Armie Hammer: ‘Oh, reeeally?

Sia on Shia LaBeouf Relationship: ‘I Feel Like I’m Always Gonna Love Him Because He’s Such a Sick Puppy’
–– Scared the H out of him?

Paulina Porizkova Just Posted A Booty-Baring Bikini Pic While Reflecting On Rough Year
–– Touched bottom?

I Tracked Down The Girls Who Bullied Me As A Kid. Here's What They Had To Say.
–– ‘What kind of sicko would still be obsessed with us? Loser!’

Beyond Typical Product Placement: Vino-Focused Film Launches a Wine Brand
–– Hollywood and vines?

Nestlé's newest KitKat is missing a key ingredient
–– KatGut.

McDonald's is selling chicken hoodies for $5
–– None for brave customers?

Is 'Small Axe' a Film or TV Series? Director Steve McQueen Clears Up Category Confusion
–– It’s Virtue Signalcast.

Head of Indiana museum resigns after job ad sought a director to uphold its 'traditional, core, white art audience'
–– State is 85% white, but who’s counting?

Chris Harrison Briefly ‘Stepping Aside’ From ‘The Bachelor’ in Wake of Racist Controversy
–– Dixie cut.

Hasbro's Gina Carano 'Star Wars' Figures Scrapped
–– Melted down, remodeled as Storm Troopers.

Ashley Judd recounts 'harrowing' leg injury in African jungle
–– And rescue by Tarzan?

The Breathtaking Ingenuity of Incarcerated Artists
–– Can’t get hands on anything fancy like pencil, paper?

Madonna’s daughter Lourdes announced as the new face of Marc Jacobs
–– Designer’s own was getting pretty leathery.

‘Revenge bedtime procrastination' could be robbing you of precious sleep time
–– As you worry about mental stability of somnologists who make this stuff up.

Origin of life: Did Darwinian evolution begin before life itself?
–– So Unnatural Selection?

South Charlotte homeowners learn it’s not a ‘kindly grandma’ stealing their mail
–– No, she’s total bitch.

Johnny Damon Arrested for DUI in Florida, Wife Booked for Battering Cop During Stop
–– Wants to play outfield for Florida Men.

Cat has plastic buttons sewn to its face after a dog attack
–– Bad dog surprisingly good with needle and thread.

39 Products For Anyone Whose Pet Runs Their House
–– 8. Ounce of self-respect.

Nasa rover Perseverance seeks out signs of life on Mars
–– For the crater good.

Dolphins have similar personality traits to humans, study finds
–– Aww, damn –– we used to like them!

Dozens of struggling sea turtles are rescued from Texas waters. What happened to them?
–– Wives left, started drinking.

Brit Finds 'Prehistoric' Creature With Body Of Fish And Head Of Gator
–– In pub loo after long night.

Aboriginal Australians Dined on Moths 2,000 Years Ago
–– Their version of spicy Billabong Wings.

Songbirds’ reproductive success reduced by natural gas compressor noise
–– Can’t build ear plugs with twigs?

Mature Red-Bellied Lemur Seeks Soul Mate for Cuddles and Grooming
–– Lemur perusal.

Worst Cooks in America Winner Alleges 3-Year-Old Girl Died After Drinking Too Much Water
–– And not from her cooking.

Burgers are great. But no mistake, they’re killing the planet
–– Meat your maker.

Human remains found inside crocodile, amid hunt for missing fisherman
–– Croc monsieur for lunch.

Parasitic worms could hold key to anti-ageing, researchers suggest
–– Harsh name for rival researchers seeking grants.

Peloton makes toning your glutes feel spiritual. But should Jesus be part of the experience?
–– He would tell you to turn other cheek.

Porsche sets its fourth Guinness World record with the fastest indoor land speed
–– And third world record for Most Broken Housewares.

Archaeologists unearth world's oldest known beer factory in Egypt
–– Tut’s Blue Ribbon still has more flavor than Bud.

Ancient Rome Has an Urgent Warning for Us
–– Ides doubt it.

Reversal of Earth's magnetic poles may have triggered Neanderthal extinction — and it could happen again
–– Opposites detract.

Bendable concrete and other CO2-infused cement mixes could dramatically cut global emissions
–– Grading on a curve?

Buildings like S.F.’s Millennium Tower are causing the Bay Area to sink under their weight
–– Lucky it's not built on bendable concrete.

Biden administration has "deep concerns" about WHO's COVID-19 probe
–– Much deeper than actual probe.

'Enough politicking': WHO scientist tells Biden admin to let Covid report speak for itself
–– ‘I mean, we took the time to actually translate China’s excuses verbatim.’

China accuses U.S. of "pointing fingers" over COVID probe
–– China’s in WHO inspectors’ orifices.

Gov. Cuomo facing impeachment calls over alleged Covid-19 cover-up
–– For gran larceny?

Why grandparents can’t find vaccines: Scarcity of niche biotech ingredients
–– Can't shop at Serum's Club retail warehouse?

Wanted Man Surrenders to Police Because He Couldn’t Stand the People He Was Living With in Lockdown
–– Prefers those in lockup.

New Orleans businesses say they've had the 'rug pulled out' as city enacts Mardi Gras shutdown
–– Which is how wasted celebrants typically feel.

Former ‘Jersey Shore’ Star Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi Tests Positive for COVID-19
–– Will need to go toe-to-toe with countless other viruses.

Fauci wins $1 million Israeli prize for 'defending science'
–– And for being ‘One Person to Emerge from Trump Administration Not Smelling like Dreck.’

Israeli study finds 94% drop in symptomatic COVID-19 cases with Pfizer vaccine
–– Just the vaxx, ma’am.

As Israel Reopens, ‘Whoever Does Not Get Vaccinated Will Be Left Behind’
–– And get shot in rear.

Seoul offered free coronavirus tests for pets and soon found its first case in a lethargic, vomiting cat
–– Ultimately found to be feline normal.

Rush Limbaugh, conservative media icon, dead at 70 following battle with cancer
–– Rush to Judgment.

Rush Limbaugh opened the airwaves to extremist commentary and built an empire
–– The turd Reich.

Rush Limbaugh's true legacy is how he persuaded people to embrace their worst selves
–– Well, if you’re going to speak ill of the dead…continue.

Virginia governor candidate builds supporter list off Limbaugh's death
–– Fitting tribute for scam artist.

James Ridgeway, Hard-Hitting Investigative Journalist, Dies at 84
–– Laid to rest in muck, raked.