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Santa's Lap Dunce
Week of 12/25/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Baby Donald Trump sits on the lap of William Barr Santa Claus who is holding a box of Viagra as the tetchy child exclaims, “I said Reelection!’Trump Vetoes Defense Policy Bill; Covid-19 Aid in Limbo
–– Own name only one on Nice List.

Trump contradicts Pompeo in cyber-attack blame
–– 'Could be 400-lb. Santa sitting on bed.'

‘Complete clusterf---’: Trump leaves Washington in limbo
–– Around flustered cuck.

Trump’s surprise demand for $2,000 stimulus checks blew up Mitch McConnell's master plan and leaves him in a no-win situation
–– Hope he's not suffering more than unemployed on food lines losing benefits.

Congress on brink of deal on $900 billion relief package after resolving key dispute
–– McConnell gets ones from Capitol Building on big ring.

Democrats wanted a tax credit for low income families. Republicans wanted a tax break for '3 martini lunches.'
–– We wanted tax break for students’ 3 martini lunches.

GOP senator blocks $1200 Covid cheques and attacks ‘compassion’ in politics
–– Even Grinch is like, 'F-**k!'

Trump is reportedly meeting with Michael Flynn, Sidney Powell, asking about martial law idea
–– Playing Dudgeons and Dragons.

Trump Weighed Naming Election Conspiracy Theorist as Special Counsel
–– Tipped scales at 'cray-cray.'

Trump Lawyers Get Little Backup From Their Firms or Universities
–– Except to push them over precipice from behind.

Dominion Warns Giuliani Lawsuit 'Imminent' As Exec Sues For Defamation
–– Bold Dominion.

Woman sent photos of mutilated body to MI election official who initially refused to certify Biden win: FBI
–– Looked like body politic after Trump got done with it.

Pence under pressure as the final step nears in formalizing Biden’s win
–– Ceremonial gavel banging in accordance with law such a burden.

Half of Americans Think Trump Will Be Remembered as a 'Failed' President
–– And think other half are ‘failed’ human beings.

‘I’m Haunted by What I Did’ as a Lawyer in the Trump Justice Department
–– Says E. Scrooge, Esq.

Trump's legacy: He changed the presidency, but will it last?
–– Depends how much disinfectant Lysol can produce.

Texas attorney general asked Trump administration to revoke COVID relief funds for Harris County
–– Man who can’t take photo that doesn’t look like mug shot would obviously do anything for pardon.

The Blackwater guards Trump pardoned were jailed for a massacre of civilians, including 2 kids
–– Invokes Rule of Three, lets them off.

‘Blood cheaper than water': Outrage over Trump Blackwater pardons
–– In parts of desert, maybe.

Iranian president Rohani says ‘madman’ Trump will be HANGED like Saddam Hussein when he leaves office
–– He didn't, but let The Sun brighten your day.

The lawyer for the Republican who pretended to be his dead mom to illegally vote for Trump says his client was attempting 'civil disobedience'
–– So dumb was like 'canine disobedience.'

Chris Christie says Michael Flynn 'never belongs anywhere near the White House'
–– Too unstable for White Castle.

Chris Pratt announces 'better Chris' victories over Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth
–– Is Christie bringing up rear?

Trump mocks McConnell in presentation: ‘He was the first one off the ship’
–– Granted ship was already resting on floor of Marianas Trench.

Televangelist Pat Robertson says Trump lives in an 'alternate reality' and should move on from election loss
–– Wow, that’s jar of mayo calling Miracle Whip white.

Trump’s private bankers resign from Deutsche Bank
–– Fresh off Verboten.

Barr says no need for special counsels to investigate election or Hunter Biden
–– Barr 'Humbug!'

Biden Press Secretary Says He ‘Will Not Be Discussing an Investigation of His Son’ with AG Candidates
–– Afraid his tautened crinkly eyes will make winking difficult.

Biden on working with Senate Republicans: 'I'll never publicly embarrass them'
–– Privately will use hacked cellphone pics as blackmail.

Whitmer admits to 'sigh of relief' after not being picked as Biden VP, though she would have said yes
–– Read it and Veep.

The ex-wife of Raphael Warnock, one of the Democrats running in Georgia's Senate runoffs, accused him of running over her foot during an argument in newly-released footage
–– Media retreads story.

I’m the Reason Elvis Met Nixon
–– Most ridiculous Oval Office moment until Trump arrival.

Britain and European Union strike last-minute post-Brexit trade deal
–– Johnson really cut one.

West Point cadets accused of cheating on online math test
–– Plebe the fifth.

Naval Academy exams being reviewed for 'inconsistencies'
–– In latest slang for 'West Point-style cheating.'

Bernie Sanders says Democrats pushed working class supporters to Trump
–– Yeah, all those dedicated socialists.

Facebook’s Plan to Dominate Virtual Reality––And Turn Us into ‘Data Cattle’
–– With "f" Logo branded on haunches.

What went wrong with the NYT's 'Caliphate' podcast
–– Hit with IED: Improvised Editorial Device.

KFC launches game console that keeps your chicken warm
–– Will only play video games with fowl.

Walmart is attempting to solve one of the biggest pain-points of online shopping
–– Free cushions for hard computer chairs.

Apple restricts supplier after factory violence
–– Offended core principles?

Jacinda Ardern says New Zealand has bought so many COVID-19 vaccines that it will give free doses to neighboring countries
–– Plural?

Cardinal Pell claims public opinion turned against him because of his 'conservative views'
–– Believed children should be squeezed not heard.

2 Delta passengers open the door of a moving plane and slide out (with a dog) at LaGuardia Airport
–– Doing Tattoo impression: "Deplane, deplane!"

New antidepressants can lift depression and suicidal thoughts fast, but don’t expect magic cures
–– So ignore beginning of headline.

There's a new addition at the Miami Zoo: a baby giant anteater
–– Now must find baby giant ants to feed it.

Putin publicly praises Russian intelligence agency implicated in massive U.S. government hack
–– Vlad the Employer.

Former Government Cybersecurity Head Blames Russian Intelligence For Massive Hack
–– Hacked of aggression.

Biden says cyberattack happened on 'Trump's watch when he wasn't watching'
–– Yes he was, Fox just didn’t cover it.

Trump has a 'blind spot' for Russia, Mitt Romney said, after the President shifted the focus for the SolarWinds hack from Russia to China
–– Like someone peed in eye.

Russian opposition leader Alexey Navalny dupes spy into revealing how he was poisoned
–– Like Captain Underpants.

Israel's government collapses, not with a bang but a whimper, triggering fourth election in 2 years
–– Observers warned it could just plotz.

The Left’s Most Naïve Cynics Have Turned on AOC
–– Offer Greener New Deal.

‘I’ll be fierce for all of us’: Deb Haaland, first Native American named interior secretary, accepts nomination
–– Without reservations.

Kyle Rittenhouse is funding his legal defence team by selling ‘Free Kyle’ merchandise
–– Branded dog whistles, hoods, nooses.

Tennessee man was arrested after telling a Black woman he would 'hang' her from a tree because she took his parking space, police say
–– Lynch pinhead.

Explosion in Nashville that damaged dozens of buildings is believed to be an intentional act
–– Grand Ole Obvsy.

It's been a tough year for Nashville: Tornadoes, a derecho, the pandemic and now an explosion
–– That new Keith Urban album.

US military command turns botched airstrike into Christmas joke
–– Because delivering death what holiday is all about.

’We must mobilise so it stops': Miss France runner-up hit by torrent of online anti-Semitism
–– Sounds Vichy.

U.S. Considers Granting Immunity to Saudi Prince in Suspected Assassination Attempt
–– Trump demands CPJ issue Press Freedom Award.

Eccentric Thai King’s Official Mistress Has Hundreds of Nudes Allegedly Leaked
–– Thai me up, Thai me down.

'The Masked Dancer': New 'Masked Singer' spin-off IDs celebs based on fancy footwork (and plenty of clues)
–– Waiting for ‘Masked Gimp.’

John Mulaney in rehab for cocaine and alcohol abuse
–– Which helps explain two-hour tuna joke on Broadway.

Dax Shepard had a ‘great year’ despite relapse, surgeries
–– Obviously still using.

Jennifer Lopez may adopt Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell's approach to togetherness
–– Kurt offers hands-on instruction.

Pope snubs Vatican's sci-fi Nativity scene, directs visitors to others
–– Alien overlords Jo SEV, MA ree, MAI jii plot vengeance.

Miles Teller’s wife once got him a toilet for Christmas
–– Will have place to put career.

Dion DiMucci says battle with drugs, alcohol inspired new Christmas hits: 'I was a heroin addict for 15 years'
–– Got off high horse.

Amy Schumer Apologizes to Hilaria Baldwin After Using Her Underwear Photo as Holiday Card
–– No Hilariaty?

Little Boy and Dog Abandoned in Cemetery Before Christmas
–– Runner-up in Most Depressing Holiday Headline Contest.

‘I feel betrayed': Britons celebrate a very different Christmas
–– Totally Scrooged.

Princess Diana Once Said Prince William Picked Up This 'Dreadful' Christmas Habit from Her
–– Ho Ho Hep-C.

Prince Charles’s Christmas Tree Includes a Special Tribute to the Queen
–– A Swarovski Eternal Star Ornament because she never leaves.

Spanish republicans aim to drown out king's Christmas speech
–– Fleece Navidad.

Digital sniffer dogs seal fate of sex offender
–– Um, uh, can we not hear how?

Google develops an AI that can learn both chess and Pac-Man
–– Or be totally useless to humanity.

Connie Chung Says Bryant Gumbel Treated Her Like She Was “Was Invisible”
–– Forced to east Gumbel Pie.

Largest confiscation of smuggled monkeys sheds light on African trafficking network
–– Monkeys need someplace to huddle in rain.

How the 'Goldfinger' Alpine sequence gave rise to Bondmania
–– Featured Swiss miss.

Kirk Cameron organizes caroling protests amid California's Covid-19 surge
–– The little dumber boy.

‘Notorious 'Club Kids' killer and party promoter Michael Alig, 54, who served 17 years for the brutal murder and dismemberment of his roommate, dies of suspected heroin overdose at NYC home
–– No one saw that coming. 54!

Damon Dash laments he’s ‘lacking breast’ after son’s birth
–– Admits he is ‘boob.’

Buddy Valastro Struggles to Ice a Cake After Hand Accident in New Road to Recovery Special
–– Specialists hope he will one day realize he has other hand.

Finally, Scientists Find the Oldest Sperm in the World
–– In Larry King’s shorts.

This is the longest music video of all time -- and it would take you more than 4,200 hours to watch
–– Still more entertaining then WAP.

Tesla's German Gigafactory Has a Lizard Problem
–– Haven’t heard Musk called that before.

Michelle Latimer’s Identity Crisis Is Raising Impossible Questions for Canada’s Indigenous Filmmakers
–– Tempest in a teepee.

‘Balloon Boy' Parents Pardoned By Colorado Governor For 2009 Hoax
–– Floated idea earlier.

Inside Shia LaBeouf’s Career Meltdown After Sexual Battery Lawsuit
–– Suffers Hollywood’s rebeouf.

Two gravestones with swastikas removed from veterans cemetery in Texas
–– After prediction of Heil stones.

Animal Rights Activist Punks Maria Bartiromo By Posing As Meat Company CEO
–– Was she vegged out?

Lion Attacks Leopard On The Road And It's Over Quickly
–– Cat 2 hurricane.

57,000-Year-Old Mummified Wolf Pup Was Discovered Frozen in Yukon Permafrost
–– During full moon!

Archaeologists recreate tiles from time of Jesus
–– Had been used in john at Cana.

A mailman, two little sisters, and weeks-long games of Tic-tac-toe
–– Don't wanna know if there was XOX.

British ‘Indiana Jones’ claims the legendary Holy Grail is in England
–– What’s he gonna say, EU HQ, Brussels?

Ashes of Star Trek’s Scotty smuggled on to International Space Station
–– Used to fuel engines.

Martin Shkreli’s lawyer warned against romance with journalist Christie Smythe
–– Pharma Beau?

Giving Billions Fast, MacKenzie Scott Upends Philanthropy
–– Never really hers, was it?

Sean McVay embarrassed after losing to the Jets
–– Ram Jets?

Justin Jefferson does damage control after ‘f—k Kirk’ Cousins rant goes viral
–– Don’t give one, but there was comma after ‘f—k.’

Google Doodle pays tribute to the last male northern white rhino
–– Has all the majesty of Sistine Chapel.

‘Swamp king' prehistoric crocodile identified in Australia
–– aka 'Muck Monarch’, ‘Chairman of the Bog’, ‘Tsar of All the Rushes’.

Alligators can regrow severed tails, surprising scientists
–– Not penises, disappointing sexologists.

Vikings used Britain's earliest silk to preserve their hoards, as experts say material is treasure in its own right
–– Researchers spin tales.

Massachusetts city to post climate change warning stickers at gas stations
–– That’ll keep motorists from filling up!

I Started Antidepressants And Lost My Orgasm — Here's How I Got It Back
–– Donepezil.

Housing Boom Brings a Shortage of Land to Build Homes
–– Not breaking new ground.

US to announce new criminal charges Monday in Pan Am terrorist bombing
–– 32 years in the making!

2020 showed how organizers leveraged the energy that fueled social justice protests into votes
–– And lost all those House seats, state legislatures, governorships?

A father who died years ago left his son $10 to buy his first beer when he turned 21
–– Craft brew costs more, son pissed.

Netflix Settles 'Enola Holmes' Lawsuit With Conan Doyle Estate
–– Enola not gay.

London Hughes thinks her comedy special To Catch a D*ck is her perfect introduction
–– Snatch attention.

Why ‘Ma Rainey’s’ Creative Team Used Horsehair to Reflect Authentic Black Hairstyles of the 1920s
–– The mane reason?

'Love Jihad' couple reunited in India as doctors back claims of forced miscarriage
–– Hit series on ISIS TV+.

‘The Whole City Was Dark’: China Rations Electricity for Millions
–– Entire Government is dim.

Surgeon general says antibody treatment reason behind Trump’s delay getting Covid vaccine
–– Must’ve included antibrain dosages.

One person is dying from Covid-19 every 10 minutes in Los Angeles County
–– Over and over and over?

‘We Feel Safe': Americans Keep Visiting Mexico Despite Pandemic Risks
–– El coronavirus: ‘Gracias, gringos!’

Give Mike Pence credit for one thing
–– Proper hygiene?

The COVID-19 Stimulus Bill Would Make Illegal Streaming a Felony
–– Didn’t realize virus effected continence.

Tier 2 or 3? How Boris Johnson's lockdown has hit the royal family
–– Tiers of a clown.

Donald Trump tells Boris Johnson 'cure can't be worse than problem itself' after tier 4 rules announced
–– Leader definitely can be.

Putin Promotes Homegrown COVID-19 Vaccine, But Most Russians Are Skeptical
–– Brewed in bathtub with vodka.

Georgia college student who broke Cayman Islands' quarantine receives reduced sentence
–– Too bad she didn’t have illegal secret bank account instead.

White House coronavirus coordinator Deborah Birx says she plans to retire
–– To have time with family, and to reflect on utter failure of tenure.

Men shot up a strip club after getting kicked out for not wearing masks, police say. They could face life in prison.
–– And career in lap dancing.

Overdose deaths far outpace COVID-19 deaths in San Francisco
–– Um, uh, yay?

‘Curb Your Enthusiasm' Boss on Making TV Comedy in the Pandemic Era and Convincing Larry David to Return to Set
–– Susie Essman's voice kills virus.

White House vaccine chief explains why states haven't received number of vaccines promised
–– ‘I only have ten fingers and toes.’

Rupert Murdoch gets vaccine as Fox News pushes misinformation
–– Should take shot to head.

Anger as Republican lawmakers who played down pandemic jump vaccine queue
–– Better safe than sorry-ass.

K.T. Oslin, '80's Ladies' singer, dead at 78
–– K.T. did.

Leslie West, Frontman and Guitarist for Rock Band Mountain, Dies at 7
–– Out West.

Hip-hop singer John 'Ecstasy' Fletcher from '80s hip-hop group Whodini dead at 56
–– Doesn't escape.

Ivry Gitlis: Celebrated Israeli virtuoso violinist dies at 98
–– Comes to violin end.

Doug Crane, 'Heavy Metal' and 'Beavis and Butt-Head' Animator, Dies at 85
–– Crane lowered.