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Georgia Peach Pits
Week of 12/18/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Georgia Republican Senate candidate David Perdue in line behind Kelly Loeffler who kisses Donald Trump’s peachy ass.Biden criticizes Loeffler, Perdue for doing 'nothing' while Trump tried to 'wipe out' Georgia votes
–– Since when's aiding, abetting 'nothing'?

‘Financial Batman’ in Lead to Run Biden’s CIA
–– As long as he's not robbin’.

Amid Georgia Senate race, Democrat Raphael Warnock slams opponent Sen. Kelly Loeffler for not acknowledging Joe Biden’s presidential win
–– Warknocks her.

Kelly Loeffler's Atlanta mansion, 'Descante,' mysteriously dropped in value by millions of dollars, giving her a tax cut of roughly $88,000
–– Loeffer richer.

Loeffler condemns White supremacist after taking photo with him
–– ‘He's such an attention whore. My racist base was all starin' at him!'

Georgia Voting Rights Groups Are Already Suing Four Counties For Preventing Early Voting
–– Go GAGA.

Sarah Palin hits campaign trail in Georgia, denying Trump lost alongside QAnon-supporting Republican
–– Finally found pathetic enough lost cause to bring her out of retirement.

Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp Snaps at Election Conspiracy Theories
–– Kemp believe it.

’It’s natural, let it happen,’ man told Georgia postal worker before attack, feds say
–– 'Like pit bull gnawing your leg.'

Trump praises Tuberville after Alabama GOP senator-elect leaves open objecting to election results January 6
–– ‘I always say, Tommy, that’s quite a tuber ya’ got there!’

McCarthy gets FBI briefing on Swalwell: 'He should not be on Intel' committee
–– Says lying, delusional traitor.

Drone company competes in Dubai startup challenge
–– Won’t stop buzzing about it.

This fish lives by the shore but dives deep to spawn, breaking records
–– Appropriately-named bonefish.

Trump appoints 1776 Commission members in last-minute bid to advance 'patriotic education'
–– Shocked John Quincy Adams no longer available.

This might be the most embarrassing document created by a White House staffer
–– C’mon, competition is tighter than Pence's sphincter.

Kushner OK’d Trump campaign shell company that secretly paid family member
–– Peanuts!

Proud Boys leader visits White House ahead of DC rally
–– To see Shameless Man.

Avlon: Listening to Rep. Jordan is like buying a ticket to the Darwin awards
–– Or monkey house where human ancestors reside.

’NorCal’ rapist Roy Waller sentenced to 897 years
–– Lawyers plead for name change to ‘Nocal.’

Man who claimed to be missing boy Timmothy Pitzen gets two years in prison
–– And reduction in Ms.

Sandra Lee sad to leave home she shared with Gov. Andrew
–– Somebody doesn’t like Sandra Lee.

Katie Holmes’s Pasta Empire Boyfriend Picks a Fight With Andrew Cuomo
–– And nobody doesn’t hate Andrew Cuomo.

Former aide Lindsey Boylan alleges Cuomo ‘sexually harassed’ her about looks
–– Word ‘harassed’ molested.

Dr. Seuss Enterprises Wins Appeal In Dispute Over 'Star Trek' Mash Up
–– Hardon Hears a Spoof!

Dubai holidays: Am I allowed to visit, do I need a PCR test and what are the rules?
–– And why is it 125ºF?

Santa Claus Mailing Address 2020: What's Kris Kringle's North Pole Address?
–– And does Domino's deliver there?

Wisconsin Department of Health warns against eating the 'cannibal sandwich,' a traditional holiday dish in the state
–– ‘That’s right, steer, we’re looking at you.’

I went holiday shopping on New York City's famous Fifth Avenue and was horrified by the huge crowds
–– Which, legitimately, you could say every Christmas.

Here's What You're Legally Allowed to Gift Your Mail Carrier
–– Up to second knuckle.

Postal Police Officers Blame Mail Theft Increase on Decision to End Neighborhood Patrols
–– Thieves say pith helmets, label guns not very intimidating.

Ex-Howard Stern staffers say multi-millionaire DJ is a Scrooge
–– Visited by ghost of Don Imus Xmas Eve.

Cleveland’s plans to drop 'Indians' from team name is a welcome change but it's long overdue, Native Americans say
–– Give ‘em break, city’s only recently entered 20th Century.

European rivers are littered with barricades, but a movement grows to remove them
–– Like rising tide?

Large Chunk of Ice Has Torn Away From Menacing Iceberg A68a
–– Scared off.

I’m 47. How many trees would I need to plant to carbon offset my life?
–– Plant self and spare us hot air.

Carbon footprint of world's wealthiest must be reduced, experts say
–– Off with their toes!

The Activist Translating Climate Crisis Information Across the Globe
–– Into Doomspeak.

Mountain hares in Scotland are failing to adapt to climate change, making them more vulnerable to predators
–– Hare-brained.

Carrot the deer found in Ontario with arrow sticking out of his head
–– Jokester had just come from stag party.

3,300-Year-Old Baboon Skull Leads Researchers to Ancient Kingdom
–– Where they slipped on petrified banana peels.

With a Mane and Strange Shoulder Rods, This New Dinosaur Was Quite a 'Little Show-Off'
–– Glad they’re banging out fresh ones again.

Researchers Reveal Mummy's Surprising Contents Without Unwrapping It
–– Shroud has zipper.

Researchers Have Achieved Sustained Long-Distance Quantum Teleportation
–– And may never be seen again.

Man discovers ‘local’ wing restaurant isn't what it appears to be: 'It's all a lie'
–– Talk about minor flap.

How Beethoven outgrew his hero worship
–– Took the Fifth.

Tom Holland and Daisy Ridley’s Dystopian Thriller ‘Chaos Walking’ Postpones Release Date
–– More like 'Tripping.'

Kathryn Dennis Shows Off Totally New Look at Southern Charm Reunion: See Her Bleach Blonde Hair!
–– When she exposes her 'southern charm'!

The remixed genre tropes of Gideon the Ninth, explained
–– Impossible.

To Compete With the Big Guys, Tiny Crickets Fashion Leafy Megaphones to Blast Their Mating Calls
–– And are often mistaken for slightly-less-tiny grasshoppers.

Regulators slam Robinhood for targeting newbie investors with aggressive marketing
–– With arrows up keister.

Trump has reportedly been convinced he actually won, tells advisers he may not vacate the White House
–– Please drag him out bodily, please drag him out bodily…

Irritated by loss, Trump hunkers down at the White House and avoids talk of future
–– This is ‘irritation’? Hate to see ‘consternation.’

’He wants to make money’: Trump not concerned about his legacy, says former aide and hedge fund boss Anthony Scaramucci
–– Trump: 'Legacy? I would never buy a Japanese car!'

Trump administration to withhold Medicaid funding from California
–– For 30 days?

Mitt Romney On Trump: 'I Didn't Go Out And Say Fraud' When I Lost The 2012 Election
–– "I said, rather sarcastically, 'Thanks a lot, Moroni!'"

Some people lost more than $100,000 betting that Trump would win and are citing election conspiracy theories to sue the bookies
–– We bet $1,o00,000 they're all assholes.

Patti LaBelle on Republican nephew-son: ‘I didn’t choose my family’
–– Um, did adopt nephew as son.

Hungary parliament passes law effectively banning same-sex couples from adopting children
–– What’s next, Hungarian Gulags?

Chance the Rapper Tells Colbert He’s ‘Apparently’ Working With Dionne Warwick
–– ‘Or some old lady who looks like my great-aunt.’

Sia doubles down on decision to cast Maddie Ziegler as autistic teen in new film
–– Dead concerned it may effect employment in zombie films.

Kim Kardashian's "Very Belated" In-N-Out Birthday Cake Will Have You Drooling
–– Until Kanye performs old in-n-out on it.

Ben Stiller and Fox News’ Janice Dean Bury the Hatchet After Beefing Over Andrew Cuomo
–– And Janice cut one that cleared studio.

’Clue’ at 35: Jonathan Lynn reveals how Carrie Fisher and Rowan Atkinson were almost cast in the classic board game movie
–– Hint: ‘classic’ refers to board game only.

‘Wonder Woman 1984’ Reviews Are In: ‘Cheesy’ Sequel Offers ‘Much-Needed Balm for 2020’
–– Sort of like rubbing feta on hemorrhoids.

'The Stand' turns Stephen King's epic book into what feels like a very long sit
–– Will producers take criticism lying down?

Trump Teases Holding a Press Conference Every Time President Biden Speaks
–– Teases Eric that is, then slaps when dummy says, ‘Great idea, Dad!’

Betsy DeVos tells Education Department employees to resist changes by Biden administration, report says
–– Fears Dems might reverse all she didn’t accomplish.

WH adviser: Trump looking at 'long shot' challenge in Congress
–– In latest slang for ‘futile.’

Trump Reportedly Weighing Special Prosecutor for Hunter Biden Tax Probe
–– Having candidates sit in lap on livestock scale.

Trump is warned not to destroy White House records before he leaves office
–– Trump asks DOJ if ‘eating’ constitutes ‘destroying.'

The plan to disinfect the White House before Biden moves in is a 'huge waste of time and effort,' experts say
–– ‘Because you’ll never really get that stink out.’

U.S. finalizes shower head rule after Trump complaints about hair rinsing
–– Might save on disinfectant.

‘I’m not saying they’re not a bunch of f*****s’: Biden’s deputy chief of staff pick says of working with Republicans
–– ‘I mean Joe’s kind of a c********r.’

Top Biden aide walks back expletive description of Republicans
–– Takes by f*****g hand.

Senate hearing elevates baseless claims of election fraud
–– Knee-high to dung beetle.

Ex-police captain charged after running A/C repairman off Texas road in pursuit of bogus election fraud plot
–– Told to cool off.

Turkish 'intelligence agent' claims he was ordered to assassinate Austrian politician
–– Displaying lack thereof.

George Lucas: Critics of ‘Star Wars’ Prequel Dialogue ‘Don’t Understand’ the Franchise
–– Which is utterly puerile pablum.

’The Mandalorian' Star Pedro Pascal Denies He Wants to Take His Helmet Off More
–– Easier to recite embarrassing dialogue with it on.

Court Finds 14 Guilty of Aiding Charlie Hebdo and Anti-Semitic Attacks
–– Charlie callous.

France's most wanted woman gets 30 years as 14 accomplices in Charlie Hebdo trial found guilty
–– Vive la difference!

City of Paris Fined Nearly $110,000 for Appointing Too Many Women
–– Fee fie fo' femmes.

Barr Plans to Finish Term Despite Wanting to Leave Early
–– Couldn’t get earlier appointment to have tongue removed from Trump’s ass.

Tom Cruise reportedly scolds 'Mission: Impossible 7' crew members for violating social distancing measures
–– Can we get him to kick butts of maskless schmucks in our hood?

'Mission: Impossible 7' crew members quit after Tom Cruise's explicit COVID-19 rant, report says
–– Chose not to accept mission.

Tom Cruise’s COVID-19 rant puts spotlight on Scientology controversies
–– If you're Leah Remini cashing in on another doc.

Palm Beach Residents Attempt to Bar Donald Trump From Moving Into Mar-a-Lago
–– Shore pissed.

‘It’s turned crazy': Inside the scramble for Trump pardons
–– Is crazy what comes after ‘completely insane’?

Trump campaign asks supporters if the President should run in 2024
–– Asks them to pay to answer.

Even Trump is said to find Giuliani an embarrassment – so why does he keep him around?
–– He’s only lawyer doesn’t find Trump an embarrassment.

McConnell for the first time recognizes Biden as President-elect
–– And self as Damned Soul-elect.

Trump Lashes Out After Mitch McConnell Congratulates Biden: 'Too Soon To Give Up'
–– His wet noodle getting real workout.

Donald Trump calls Fox News ‘dead’ as he steps up feud with network
–– No, just its viewers.

Peter Nygard, fashion tycoon with links to Duke of York, arrested on sex trafficking charges
–– Played Pimp and Circumstance.

King of Thailand Allegedly Ruling His Nation From German Ski Resort With a Retinue of Concubines
–– Auditioning for next Bond villain.

Pinterest settles gender discrimination lawsuit with former exec for $22.5 million
–– Pinned down.

Jesy Nelson leaving Little Mix
–– She’s little mixed-up.

Jenny McCarthy Mourns the Death of Her Dog: 'She Was Like a Daughter to Me'
–– Call a spayed a spayed?

Saddest Scam of the Season? Paying Thousands for Dogs That Don't Exist
–– Get Jenny McCarthy’s dog today!

Stray dog follows a woman's motorbike 'for miles after she fed it'
–– Gas presumably?

Simone Williams breaks Guinness World Record for largest afro
–– Grooms with pitchfork instead of pick.

Labrador Retriever Mix Gets Adopted After Spending 1,134 Days at Pittsburgh Shelter
–– Day shy of Guiness World Record and pretty damn angry.

12,000-year-old paintings show humans alongside giant animals
–– Which of course were drawn to exact scale.

Missing Great Pyramid Artifact Found in Cigar Box in Scotland
–– Pharaoh Khufu’s cigar cutter, ironically.

‘Small Axe’: Steve Mc’s Landmark Anthology, Ranked
–– Critic whets self.

Meghan, The Duchess of Sussex, makes surprise appearance on CNN
–– Saw video light, was attracted like moth.

Prince Charles Tries His Hand at Being a Mailman
–– Sacked.

Prince George Looks Just Like Kate Middleton's Dad in New Christmas Photo — See the Proof!
–– That our photo editor needs new lenses.

Prince George Missed Out on One Risqué Joke at the Holiday Pantomime
–– Sister Charlotte’s version of The Aristocrats killed.

This Is How Princess Diana Confronted Camilla About the Affair
–– It’s called Di, Bitch!

Pregnant Princess Eugenie Pays Emotional Tribute to Mom Sarah Ferguson: 'I'm Going to Cry!'
–– 'She's my mother? Waaah!'

Princess Charlene of Monaco Debuts a Very Punk New Hairdo
–– Hear that sound? Us trying to give shit.

So Just How Symbolic Is Britney Spears’ New Haircut
–– So you know how A symbolizes Adultery in The Scarlet Letter?

’Disgusting Display of Misogyny’: WSJ Faces Backlash for Dr. Jill Biden Op-Ed
–– What’s up Doc?

Hunter Biden failed to disclose $400K in Burisma payments in 2014 tax return
–– And $40K in barista payments.

‘Your actions are sickening': Sackler hearing inspires rare bipartisan disgust
–– Sunny Purdue?

Instagram star ‘Zombie Angelina Jolie’ gets 10 years in Iranian prison
–– Caught her dead to death.

Normalization deals "moving at the speed of light" - U.S. Amb. to UAE
–– Admits he’s not astrophysicist.

Israeli-born comedian becomes first to perform in UAE as Abraham Accords lead to improved relations
–– And boom in mother-in-law jokes.

Rep. Rashida Tlaib says she 'absolutely loves' Jews, warns of anti-Semitism on both sides
–– And ‘adores heat rash.'

Vladimir Putin Shrugs Off Alexei Navalny's Poisoning: 'Who Needs Him?'
–– He’s still pissed at Grim Reaper.

Al Gore: Where I Find Hope
–– See that bottle of corn licker?

Trump made big in-roads in Hispanic areas across the nation
–– Some groups just need to have deviancy, murderousness acknowledged.

Blue Ivy Carter receives Grammy nomination for 'Brown Skin Girl'
–– Move over Mozart!

Mario Lopez stars as KFC's Col. Sanders in steamy movie
–– No, that's not drumstick, he's happy to see you.

“Egregious” TV Errors Fuel Native and Indigenous Groups' Calls for Better Representation
–– You put up wampum to produce.

Hollywood Flashback: Campy 'Flash Gordon' Saved the Universe 40 Years Ago
–– Ming the Mirthless.

Utah fugitive arrested after being found hiding in a clothes dryer
–– After laundering money?

Washing Your Face Shouldn't Be Complicated
–– Right, stupid?

Kerry Kennedy Reveals How Her Family Uses Plastic Sheets to Stay Safe Amid COVID-19
–– And how Uncle Ted’s behavior got them to line all beds with them.

Why COVID-19 Might Lead to Erectile Dysfunction in Some People, According to Doctors
–– Any hard evidence?

"Who Cares”: A Trump Administration Official Wanted to Purposely Infect “Infants, Kids,” and the “Middle Aged” With COVID-19
–– Not Melania.

Chris Christie Details 'How Wrong' He Was To Not Wear A Mask In New Ad
–– Christie Consciousness.

Tucker Carlson Rails Against COVID Vaccine Plans as 'Social Control'
–– He's always been anti-factser.

Shorter quarantines could actually help prevent COVID-19 outbreaks
–– Lockdown drag out fight.

French President Emmanuel Macron Tests Positive For Covid-19
–– Doctors to target Macronphages.

Anti-Vaxxers Are Spreading a Wild Theory About 'Disappearing' COVID Vaccine Needles
–– In obese patients’ arms.

She was demoted, doubted and rejected. Now, her work is the basis of the Covid-19 vaccine
–– And Fem Fan Fiction.

Best-selling spy novelist John le Carré dies at 89
–– The spy who went out in the cold.

Charley Pride, Country Music’s First Black Superstar, Dies of COVID-19 at 86
–– Pride goeth for the fall.

Terry Kay, Author of 'To Dance With the White Dog,' Dies at 82
–– Kay popped.