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Texas Tool Step
Week of 12/11/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Spoof of Custer’s Last Stand with the faces of Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani superimposed on a still from the Errol Flynn movie They Died With Their Boots On showing Custer and his soldiers firing guns under a Texas flag.Supreme Court Rejects Texas Suit Seeking to Subvert Election
–– Even Kavanaugh spit up beer.

Apps Are Helping to Gut the Restaurant Industry
–– Tough to stomach.

Texas asks U.S. Supreme Court to help Trump upend election
–– Remember the Alamoronic.

106 House Republicans Back Trump’s Bid to Overthrow the Government
–– His House pets.

GOP divided by pro-Trump Texas election suit
–– Between those who have least inkling of rule of law and supporters.

MSNBC’s Brian Williams criticizes GOP lawmakers backing Texas: These are 'grown ass men and women'
–– Or groan asses.

Battleground states issue blistering rebukes to Texas' lawsuit to invalidate millions of votes
–– Coupdos to them.

Ron Johnson to bring Ken Starr to testify at controversial hearing on 2020 elections
–– And Judge Dredd.

Manhattan prosecutors are reportedly 'significantly escalating' their investigation into Trump
–– Excuse our hard subpoenas.

Trump could be facing his first veto override from Republicans right before he leaves the White House
–– Four-year search for testicle may prove fruitful.

Trump pressured governor in call to help overturn Biden's win in state
–– Georgia off his mind.

Trump Jnr releases ad saying his father's legacy is on the line in Georgia run-off
–– Line he then snorts.

Fact check: No, Georgia Sen. Kelly Loeffler was not wearing a wire during recent debate
–– No one knows what keeps etiolated bone structure together.

Kelly Loeffler's Repetitive 'Radical Liberal' Debate Attack Inspires Drinking Game
–– Of spiked Kool-Aid on right.

Trump airs election grievances in 100-minute address at largely maskless rally in Georgia
–– Festivus for the worst of us.

Trump bizarrely claims to be the only one who likes cucumbers in self-centred Georgia senate rally speech
–– Did he get into pickle?

Trump tells WH Hanukkah party 'we're gonna win this election'
–– Guests tell him he’s ‘full of latkes.’

Sidney Powell's 'Kraken' lawsuits failed again, as judges in Michigan, Georgia, Arizona, and Wisconsin have now dismissed her cases
–– More like crack 'n' lawsuits.

Trump Gave Georgia's AG a Phone Call From Hell for Not Backing His Lawsuit
–– Or ‘from home.’

Trump ally Sidney Powell's election lawsuits keep citing an anonymous, conspiracy-theorizing 'military intelligence official' named 'Spider'
–– Last name Man according to web.

Scion Who Launched Sidney Powell’s Legal Fund Is So Toxic Twitter Banned Him
–– Scion of insanity.

Pence’s political future remains clouded by Trump
–– Like diseased urine sample.

Mitt Romney tears into Republicans who are threatening to protest the Electoral College vote that will confirm Biden's election victory
–– Wait until he gets his Mitt on them.

Trump supporters urged to buy president's childhood home in $3m parting gift
–– Realtor notes moron forces, sets base price.

‘This isn't 'rocket science': McConnell blasts Dems
–– ‘Not that I don’t ‘ppreciate the beauty of them Nazi V-2s.’

Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner to head south as she explores political future
–– Hell needs Minister of Propaganda.

That’s how America changes': Obama says young people should be 'disdainful' of centrist politics and calls on the next generation to 'push harder'
–– To learn what words like ‘centrist’, ‘disdainful’ mean.

Biden is reportedly considering nominating Pete Buttigieg, his former presidential opponent, to be ambassador to China
–– Was assured it was physically furthest point from WH in Northern Hemisphere.

Biden will nominate Rep. Marcia Fudge as Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
–– Fudge brownie points.

Fudge: 'I can do so much of the same things' at HUD as agriculture
–– Oh, Fudge!

In leaked recording, Biden says GOP used 'defund the police' to 'beat the living hell' out of Democrats
–– Defundamentally true.

A jail officer in Spokane, Washington, shot and killed a 70-year-old woman in the building's lobby
–– Really didn’t want to help carry groceries upstairs.

Husband Cleared of Murdering Wife Because He Was ‘Delirious With Jealousy’
–– Dizzy defense.

‘Devil Worshipper’ Charged With Another Murder—Just Months After Release on Bail
–– Just guess who made him do it.

‘Is this what we're becoming?': Anne Frank memorial in Idaho, the only one in US, defaced with swastika stickers
–– Land of Militias, you’ve long since become.

Mechanic: 'Everything perfect' before fatal WWII plane crash
–– You don’t want his phone number for repair?

Why a ‘Fairness Doctrine’ for Woke Capital Will Backfire on Conservatives
–– Or why fairness always unfair to capitalists.

Contractors working on Trump's border wall illegally smuggled in armed Mexican guards to protect construction sites, whistleblower complaint says
–– Barely movesß needle on Ironimeter.

Russian state media are calling for Trump - or 'Trumpusha' - to get asylum in their country when he leaves the White House so he can save himself from prosecution
–– Promise all the hookers, clean sheets he can pay for.

Russian police hunt thieves who plundered top secret 'Doomsday Plane'
–– Guarded by Dumb’s Day.

Russia says it will join drills with NATO member ships off Pakistan
–– Spare us boring details.

Federal judge denies request to halt the execution of Brandon Bernard scheduled for Thursday
–– Cites ‘sheer pleasure’ it will give outgoing Administration.

Asian honeybees 'defend hives from hornets with faeces'
–– Hornets: ‘Can you believe this shit?’

New York City Chipotle is closed indefinitely after workers say a rat infestation led to four employees being bitten
–– Burrito Ratatouille with Pixar tie-in cancelled.

American trophy hunter scared off by Turkish ethnic group that considers goats sacred
–– Butt of joke.

A surfer was attacked and killed by a shark in Hawaii, forcing the suspension of a surfing competition
–– Fin.

After 51 years, the Zodiac Killer's cipher has been solved by amateur codebreakers
–– That's bad sign.

‘Grinch Musical’ Viewers Slam ‘Disturbing’, ‘Uncomfortably Sexual’ Special
–– If they were turned on, they’re ‘disturbing.’

'He's still famous and I'm not': Paul Hogan on being confused with his iconic 'Crocodile Dundee' character and coming out of retirement for new comedy
–– Throw another barb on the shrimpie.

New Yorker cartoonist arrested on child porn charges: cops
–– Gag! cartoonist.

Trump appointee pushes out VOA director before Biden takes office
–– Pack fudge.

Chuck Schumer had to tell Dianne Feinstein that she should step down as the top Democrat on the Senate Judiciary Committee twice because she forgot the first conversation they had, new report alleges
–– Who told who what?

U.S. and States Say Facebook Illegally Crushed Competition
–– And made sure they liked it.

Iceberg the size of Delaware on track to slam into South Atlantic island
–– To celebrate Biden win.

The Marshall Islands could be wiped out by climate change – and their colonial history limits their ability to save themselves
–– Can't use own pre-colonial technology?

Narendra Modi lays foundation stone of new Delhi parliament building seeking to 'cast off' British colonial legacy
–– Despised legacy of architectural taste, poise, grace?

Miami-Dade’s septic tank fix could cost taxpayers $4 billion –– and homeowners thousands
–– Ain’t that sumpin’?

Hunter Biden says his taxes are being investigated by federal prosecutors.
–– So we can’t see during dad's Administration?

New Los Angeles DA announces end to cash bail, the death penalty and trying children as adults
–– LA flaw?

‘Under the rug:' Sexual misconduct shakes FBI's senior ranks
–– Servicing men with toupees.

Amazon Driver Caught Dumping Packages in Woods, Tells Cops It Was His Feces
–– Dumping is dumping.

Christopher Nolan Rips HBO Max as "Worst Streaming Service," Denounces Warner Bros.' Plan
–– Pisses down Warners’ back, tells ‘em it’s streaming.

Shia LaBeouf Sued by FKA Twigs for Sexual Battery, Citing Abusive Relationship
–– Twigs to his behavior.

Melania Trump cheers new White House tennis pavilion amid ongoing pandemic
–– Doesn’t net love.

’Melania Antoinette': First lady faces backlash after unveiling tennis pavilion at the White House
–– More court jester.

$3.5 billion cybersecurity giant FireEye says it was hacked by a 'nation with top-tier offensive capabilities,' and the attackers made off with its own hacking tools
–– We're laughing through top-tears.

Al Jazeera anchor sues Saudi, UAE princes, along with Miami woman, over Twitter attacks
–– Can't sheikh it off?

Saudi crown prince's lawyer seeks dismissal of ex-spy chief case in U.S. court
–– Pans fried Salman.

Senate fails to block Trump administration's controversial arms deal with the UAE
–– After being given riyal treatment.

A suspected Chinese spy slept with at least 2 mayors and got close to Democratic Rep. Eric Swalwell in a yearslong intelligence campaign, report says
–– Yuan me babe.

Rep. Eric Swalwell refused to say if he had sex with a suspected Chinese spy who slept with 2 mayors for an intelligence campaign
–– Admitted he swole well.

Matthew McConaughey calls out 'illiberal left' who 'absolutely condescend, patronize and are arrogant towards the other 50 percent'
–– He's leaning all right, all right, all right?

David Byrne Doesn’t Think Trump Was a ‘Surprise,’ But His Continued Support Is
–– And you may say to yourself, "My God! What have I done?"

Rush Limbaugh says US is 'trending towards SECESSION’
–– So are you, from mortal coil.

Generation Z swap drink for drugs as class A use by 16-24 year olds rises by half in seven years
–– Redubbed Generation Zzzz.

McDonald’s customers are making 'homemade' McGriddles breakfast sandwiches — thanks to one, simple hack
–– Named Todd.

Aliens exist and Trump almost let it slip, says Israeli professor and former space official
–– In an interview he gave 8-foot cabbage-like creature from Martian Times.

Life could not survive on nearest Earth-like planet, scientists believe
–– Israeli professor: ‘Which is why they want to rent here!’

Hubble observes strange, distant exoplanet similar to 'Planet Nine' that may exist in our solar system
–– NASA sent request to Plan 9 Ruler for confirmation.

Fiery crash of SpaceX’s Starship rocket ignites dreams of future spaceflight
–– Not dreams of staying home safe in bed?

’If I lost, I'd be a very gracious loser,' Trump said during a rally where he falsely claimed he won an election that he lost
–– But he has been utterly graceless. Oh, 'gracious.'

Bob Dylan sells entire music catalog to Universal in record-breaking deal
–– Tangled up in green.

Tom Brady Says 'You Won't Catch Me Dead Living in the Northeast' Again After Move to Tampa
–– Can move into Mar-a-Lago when he retires.

The Life Ahead' Composer Gabriel Yared on His Instant "Crush" on the Sophia Loren Drama
–– Gabriel toots own horn.

Trump admin set to approve Arizona land swap for mine opposed by Native Americans
–– Approved by naive Americans.

Fox News' Chris Wallace Schools Health Boss Azar On Joe Biden's Correct Title
–– 'President-elect' for Secretary-eject.

Trump administration pushes 'midnight regulations' after breaking records for final-year rulemaking
–– And making records for rule-breaking.

As Iran mulls retaliation for nuclear scientist's death, a riddle remains. What exactly was he working on?
–– The assumption Mossad didn’t have those kind of balls.

‘Monster Hunter' Movie Pulled From Chinese Cinemas After 'Knees' Joke Falls Flat
–– Lame 'Chi-knees' pun almost cost filmakers theirs.

Chinese “iron crotch” kung fu masters fight to preserve a painful-looking tradition
–– Totally nuts.

What we know about the mystery illness in India: Over 500 sick, 1 dead after nickel and lead found in patients' blood
–– Can’t they coin name?

Shawn Mendes Apologizes for Misgendering Sam Smith During Jingle Ball Introduction
–– Latest slang for castration?

Chris Cornell covers John Lennon on new posthumous album; his widow reflects on his legacy
–– And how he actually sounds better dead.

Black Panther will not be recast following Chadwick Boseman's death
–– C'mon, they recast Pink Panther!

Andie MacDowell set to star in Sex, Lies, and Videotape sequel
–– Sex, Lies and Deepfake Porn.

Just 27 of 249 Republicans in Congress willing to say Trump lost, survey finds
–– GOP's Fumbly Feud number one answer: 'Dictator-for-Life.'

Investor Paul Tudor Jones rejects 'false god' of low pay, calls on companies to pay living wages
–– Pays' last respects.

For these Trump supporters primed to disbelieve defeat, challenging the election was a civic duty
–– When is subverting Constitution ‘civic duty?’

Ben & Jerry's creates Colin Kaepernick-inspired ice cream flavor
–– Feels like someone's kneeling on throat after eating.

Trump suggests he'd rather watch NFL players protest during the national anthem than Fox News' daytime slate
––– And prefers Colin Kaepernick’s Change the Whirled to vanilla!

Princess Diana's Butler Says 'The Crown' Is "Pretty Close to the Truth"
–– Expect rebutle.

Venetians furious over failure to activate Moses barrier and protect city from flooding
–– See Red.

Dogs Can't Tell Slight Differences in Words, Probably Don't Understand Everything You Say: Study
–– Unless you're 2-year-old.

College student stirs controversy after refusing to ‘pay it forward’ at fast food chain: ‘I don’t understand’
–– Because essence of charity is ‘after you.’

Sonic attacks' suffered by US diplomats likely caused by microwave energy, government study says
–– Wielded by blue hedgehog.

UN-African Union envoy says mistrust deep in Sudan’s Darfur
–– That’s why he gets paid big bucks.

Europe, U.S. should say 'no' to China's 'wolf-warrior' diplomacy - EU envoy
–– While admitting it’s coolest-sounding foreign policy.

Goya Foods CEO calls Ocasio-Cortez 'employee of the month' as sales surge amid Trump-induced backlash - but there is more to the story
–– Bean there, dumb that.

Rep. Louie Gohmert's Speech Goes Viral After His Tooth Appears to Fall Out Mid-Press Conference
–– Small, white, hard? Could’ve been brain.

Business is booming at Four Seasons Total Landscaping, now a landmark on the Philadelphia tourist trail thanks to Rudy Giuliani's bizarre post-election press conference
–– Pulled up by Rudy's.

Rudy Has Tested Positive for COVID-19, Says Donald Trump
–– Virus avoided him for as long as infectiously possible.

Rudy Giuliani says 'you can overdo the mask' while in hospital for COVID-19 after ignoring mask-wearing and social distancing guidelines
–– Having one designed with straw hole for wine.

Trump and Giuliani’s star witness at Michigan hearing had been charged with obscenity
–– Not for her ‘testimony?’

After Giuliani visit, Michigan House says nearly 30 have tested positive for Covid this year
–– By Rudy's alter-ego Superspreader.

White House 'threatens to sack' FDA chief if Pfizer vaccine not approved today
–– Sack of shit.

Should Trump receive a COVID vaccine? Health experts say it's a 'no-brainer'
–– And ‘it should get vaccine.’

Fight climate change like we battle COVID-19, says Paris Accord's chief negotiator
–– Trump: ‘We have!’

New Jersey officials shut down a restaurant that hosted a mask-free New York Young Republicans gala
–– Faces caused mass nausea.

Murphy calls Rep. Gaetz 'putz' after Young Republican gala in Jersey City
–– Is that any way to talk about total dick?

World carbon emissions see record drop amid coronavirus pandemic
–– Green New Deal to include permanent stay-at-home order.

The odd connection between vaccination and 'Mary Poppins'
–– Spoon full of boogar helps medicine go down.

Tennessee pastor falsely claims 'Covid-19 is not a pandemic'
–– Regularly spouts other nonsense about supernatural beings.

A small town dragged its feet on COVID-19 mask mandates. Now residents are paying the price.
–– Dodge didn't.

Florida officials defend raid on COVID-19 whistleblower as questions emerge about case
–– Clearly whistling Dixie.

Republican attorney appointed by Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis resigns in protest after raid on Rebekah Jones' home
–– No longer DeSantis little helper.

Ellen DeGeneres curls up with her dog after COVID-19 diagnosis
–– Who requests ‘a little space, sickie.’

Royal Caribbean 'cruise to nowhere' ends after passenger tests positive, later negative for COVID-19
–– Reached destination in record time.

Fantasy football is a billion-dollar pastime. Covid-19 is wreaking havoc with it
–– How about Fantasy Pfizer betting on which state lets most doses thaw?

Moscow starts mass COVID-19 vaccination with its Sputnik V shot
–– With vodka chaser.

Don't mix Sputnik vaccine with alcohol, says Russian official. Some recoil
–– If you want to stay in earth orbit.

Elon Musk says we're going to have 'more vaccines than we can possibly use'
–– Him, his dozen split personalities.

Jax Taylor Fired From Bravo’s ‘Vanderpump Rules
–– Jax off.

Bill Melton on the mythical Dick Allen: 'He just had a mystique about him’
–– Bill's just meltin’ over him.

Chuck Yeager, pilot who broke the sound barrier, dies at 97
–– The right stiff.

Thomas 'Tiny' Lister Jr., 'Friday' actor, dead at 62 after apparently experiencing Covid-19 symptoms
–– Lister minned.

David Lander, Squiggy in ‘Laverne & Shirley,’ Dies at 73
–– Squiggy clean.