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Expel Check
Week of 11/27/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Parody of the Michelangelo painting of the Expulsion from the Garden of Eden with GSA Aministrator Emily Murphy as the angel driving Donald Trump as Adam and Melania as Eve from the White House.Trump says for first time he'll leave office if Electoral College votes for Biden
–– No, have Joe's German Shepherds chase off property!

Priceline launches its 'biggest' Black Friday sale EVER
–– Thanks for parens discretion.

With nearly all votes counted, the 2020 presidential election wasn't that close
–– Except to INSANE.

Biden becomes first presidential candidate to win more than 80 million votes
–– So Trump couldn’t have gotten more than… 74 million!?!

Trump Is Gaslighting Himself and Really Thinks He Won the Election, Mary Trump Says
–– Convinced he didn’t screw self.

‘Nothing has changed’: Kremlin and Putin will not recognise president-elect Biden despite Trump announcement
–– Still sore his hackers couldn’t steal enough votes for Trump.

Georgia secretary of state: My family voted for Trump. He threw us under the bus anyway.
–– One with Rosa Parks in back.

‘Fantasy world’: Pompeo knocks Biden administration picks as out of touch on foreign policy
–– He's been Secretary of Altered State.

Biden Adviser: Not 'Critical' for President-Elect, Trump to Talk Now
–– Saving big laughs for later in transition.

‘Isn’t this the language of a dictator?’: Trump confronted after press conference littered with misinformation
–– Really stupid, ineffective one, but still…

Trump's furniture fail: that's not a desk, Donald – it's a table for TV dinners
–– Which he’s barely moved from since Election Day.

Trump maintains election fraud, pledges travel to Georgia in first presser since election
–– He’ll keep up fraud until grave.

’Well that was weird as s***': Reporters caught on hot mic baffled by Trump's minute long press conference
–– Should be grateful he spared minute to announce turkey pardon, record stock market.

Trump to reportedly join Rudy Giuliani at Pennsylvania election event after aides 'tried talking him out of' going
–– Where Wack Go One Wack Go All.

Trump to reportedly join Rudy Giuliani at Pennsylvania election event after aides 'tried talking him out of' going
–– After 15 minute conversation with portrait of Andrew Jackson..

Trump phones into Pennsylvania GOP lawmakers' baseless voter fraud event after canceling trip
–– Thought it was all about base.

Geraldo Rivera joins fellow Fox News host Laura Ingraham in urging viewers to accept Trump's defeat, saying he can't 'continue denying the results of the election'
–– But he’s the jewel of denial.

Donald Trump Is Now Retweeting Randy Quaid's Election Rants And Do-Over Calls
–– National Lampoon's National Lampoon.

One of Trump's Favorite Sheriffs Was Charged With Theft in Police Dog Charity Scam
–– Did you mean Deputy Dawg?

Trump’s billionaire friend and donor backs Biden transition team and calls him president-elect
–– Happens also to be acquaintance of reality.

Trump to Leave Office with at Least $850,000 of Unpaid Campaign Rally Bill
–– And at least that much in silver, china, doodads.

75% of every donation to Trump's 'election defense fund' could be spent by the president himself on things like paying family members or financing a 2024 bid
–– Disappointed only 25% left to steal.

Conspiracy theorist Trump lawyer Sidney Powell sues in Georgia and Michigan with error-filled ‘Kraken’ suits
–– Skull crackin’.

Dominion Staff Receive Death Threats in Wake of Sidney Powell’s Conspiracy Theories
–– Scold Dominion.

Trump campaign cuts ties with lawyer who peddled conspiracy theories
–– Dumbilical cord.

What hunting Bigfoot taught a congressman about politics
–– Imaginary creature too mainstream for GOP.

People are skeptical that Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner will be able to easily slip back into NYC society
–– Buying vats of lube in case.

Trump's Thanksgiving Message Urges People To 'Gather,' Despite Raging Pandemic
–– ‘Gather’? Didn’t mention ‘Hunter and…’?

Fauci worries Thanksgiving may be the start of a dark holiday season if COVID-19 cases continue to soar
–– Have any other nightmare scenarios for dessert?

Pandemic fears, online deals thin U.S. Black Friday crowds
–– Still mostly overweight.

Yes, Courteney Cox recreated her 'f--king' turkey head dance
–– Waddle she think of next?

Tyler Perry Studios Feeds 5,000 Families in Thanksgiving Food Giveaway Event
-– Turkey with cross-dressing, Madea pies.

Vermont schools will grill students on their Thanksgiving celebrations
–– After trussing, basting, stuffing.

Ruling Striking Down Limits on Religious Services Shows Trump Effect on Supreme Court
–– The Revenge of Kavbarsuch.

Bishop backs SCOTUS ruling: Spiritual health is important
–– Right before you die.

Louisville police major relieved of command after reportedly insulting protesters in email to other officers
–– In dissciplinary action.

NRA says it's aware of 'significant diversion of its assets' in tax filing
–– LaPierre rifled safe.

Mads Mikkelsen replaces Johnny Depp for third 'Fantastic Beasts' movie
–– Mads as a hater.

U.S. Shutters Warehouse Where Migrants Were Kept in ‘Cages’
–– Now free-range?

Isamu Noguchi sculpture becomes White House's first artwork by an Asian American
–– Its crowning achievement in diversity.

Nearly 1 million Sunbeam Crock-Pots recalled for burn risks
–– Board stews.

Neanderthals may have used their hands differently from humans
–– Pounding the meat axe.

T. rex had a teen growth spurt — but not all dinos did
–– Spurt surprising with those short arms.

Extremely rare WHITE penguin is spotted on the Galapagos Islands
–– Thrown out for not wearing tux.

Man Lets Giant Huntsman Spider Live In His Home For A Year
–– Took decision on fly.

These Bats Mask Up to Woo Mates
–– Can’t imagine …bluuah … bluuah …bluuck… why.

Leaf-Cutter Ants First Insects Discovered To Have Biominerial Body Armor
–– And tiny scissors.

Monarch Caterpillars Butt Heads Over Milkweed
–– Talk about soft contact.

Platypuses Lost 22% of Their Habitat Over Last 30 Years
–– Couldn’t afford enormous bills.

Spacecraft that successfully 'bombed' an asteroid is close to home with valuable cargo
–– Xenomorph named Phil.

SpaceX's Starship will have its first high-altitude test next week
–– Musk running his own all weekend.

Astronauts on a Mars mission will need to be 'conscientious' to work well together
–– And die together.

Earth is closer to supermassive black hole than we thought
–– NASA should launch some pretty big CAUTION signs.

Climate crisis: Melting mountain ice reveals ancient artefacts in Norway
–– So opposite of crisis for archaeologists.

Ancient Earth had a thick, toxic atmosphere like Venus—until it cooled off and became liveable
–– Except Cleveland.

New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern set to declare climate emergency
–– Provide kiwis with life vests.

Climate change is coming for New England's cranberries
–– Gets bogged down.

Royal family find The Crown ‘harder to stomach’ with each new season
–– Gives them monarch butterflies.

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry Did Discuss Miscarriage Op-Ed in the New York Times With Royals, Source Says
–– Phillip: ‘On the bloody editorial page? Those editors are a rum lot!’

Kate Middleton's Survey Unveils 'Serious Milestone' In Her Long-Running Work for Young Families
–– And how she’s Royals' 'serious millstone.'

Prince Andrew is seen on an early morning horse ride in Windsor
–– Why he’s behind mount, trousers down, open to speculation.

Grandmother knits a replica of Sandringham's St Mary Magdalena Church
–– For grandson's ugliest jumper ever.

Mike Tyson’s latest act in life begins with comeback fight against Roy Jones Jr.
–– The Payday in LA.

Ricky Schroder Calls Cops After Kyle Rittenhouse Bail Backlash: Report
–– The Chump II.

This Gun Coffee Brand Was MAGA Royalty. Then It Turned on Kyle Rittenhouse.
–– Could’ve been their non-Hispanic Juan Valdez.

Elizabeth Berkley on Returning to Saved by the Bell After Nearly 30 Years: 'Feels Like Coming Home'
–– They installed stripper bar, lap dance lounge.

Elizabeth Hurley and older sister stun in matching bikinis
–– Who brought taser?

Katherine Heigl Just Discovered the NSFW Meaning Behind Harry Styles' "Watermelon Sugar"
–– Spit out her seeds.

Jennifer Lopez Poses Completely Nude and Shows Off Sculpted Body in Jaw-Dropping Photo
–– Think we'll click on this? We resent your tactics. How gullible do they think… she’s how old?!

How Kaley Cuoco moved on from sitcom past to serve up racy sex scene in 'Flight Attendant'
–– Big bang?

Faizon Love Accuses Universal of Race Discrimination in Lawsuit Over 'Couples Retreat' Poster
–– Phase on Hate.

Drake Says Grammys 'May No Longer Matter' as He Defends The Weeknd Against Snubs
–– If he won 4, probably not.

Las Vegas woman allegedly held 'vampire facial' parties while posing as nurse
–– Not as Dracula's Daughter?

Big Mouth's Nick Kroll Marries Pregnant Girlfriend Lily Kwong: 'So Very Thankful'
–– Couldn't he keep his shut?

‘Clifford the Big Red Dog' live action trailer criticized for depiction of dog
–– Red ruffing.

’It took me three days to get over the orgy scene’: Muscle star Craig Fairbrass
–– Fair ass?

Ozzy Osbourne Says He Regrets Cheating on Wife Sharon in 2016: 'I Broke Her Heart'
–– But kinda amazed he was able to.

Matthew Perry is engaged to 'the greatest woman on the face of the planet'
–– ‘My beautiful and talented dealer.’

This LED Light Therapy Mask Gives You Tighter and Brighter Skin!
–– If you always wanted to be lemon yellow.

Only two countries have collected rocks from the moon. For China, it's just the beginning
–– U.S. and Iraq?

Buried under a Serbian cornfield, Roman military headquarters slowly sheds its secrets
–– Enemies all ears.

How Dead Mink Are Rising From the Grave, Explained by Science
–– The worse fur wear.

Dick’s Sporting Goods CEO Ed Stack will step down after 36 years
–– Dick’s off.

‘People in their 40s were crying': the sad final days of New York's coolest record store
–– Vinyl destination.

Elon Musk is now tied with Bill Gates as world's second richest man
–– From ‘No Publicity Is Bad Publicity’ file.

Pope Francis meets with NBA players to discuss social injustice
–– Only dribbled a little.

Child sex trafficking: It's probably not what you think it is
–– Splitting grade schoolers up boy/girl when getting on bus?

Miley Cyrus 'fell off' during the pandemic -- but is now two weeks sober
–– Can’t she fall off radar permanently?

Paris Jackson Elevates Joggers in a Mesh Bodysuit & the Ideal White Booties
–– Has been operating lift for years.

Ford’s new F-150 with massaging bed seats is the ultimate nap pod
–– When driving, experience big sleep.

Utah helicopter crew discovers mysterious metal monolith deep in the desert
–– Accompanied by ethereal choral composition.

Native Californians got high on hallucinogenic plants and painted rock art, study finds
–– Plus ça change

Germany will require companies to put women executives on their boards
–– Herr today, frau tomorrow.

What does the Mandalorian have against creatures?
–– Fists, blasters, flamethrower.

Two bodies — master and slave — unearthed in ruins of Pompeii villa
–– Master in slave.

Iran's top nuclear scientist killed in apparent assassination, state media reports
–– Israel: ’I was at home with my wife at the time.’

Mosul museum reopens four years after it was destroyed by ISIS
–– ISIS action figure with detachable sledge hammer available in shop.

United Arab Emirates imposes visa ban on citizens from 13 mainly Muslim countries
–– Scoot by Dubai do.

Harvard grad Claira Janover says she’s lost Deloitte job over TikTok ‘stab threat’
–– Got the point?

Man in Trump-shaped flotation device charged with assault after breathing on protesters
–– Passed expiration date.

Bill Maher Says Catherine Oxenberg’s “Hate The Cult, Love The Cultist” Approach Is Perfect For Donald Trump Era
–– QANxivm?

Stephen Moore says that Trump will leave office 'triumphant,' comparing him to Winston Churchill
–– Moore fool you, them, etc.

Dwayne Johnson jokingly refuses to 'concede' Sexiest Man Alive title to Michael B. Jordan
–– Wants recount of spermatozoa.

Melania welcomes White House tree after being caught on tape saying ‘who gives a f***’ about Christmas
–– Angel ornaments all flashing bird.

White House Christmas tree arrives, continuing tradition amid Covid-19 and election disputes
–– Will be chopped into logs for barricade before Jan. 20.

Melania Trump Adds One More Element in Her Controversial Transformation of the Rose Garden
–– ‘Plants’ hairdresser who botched do.

John Cleese Accused of Transphobia After Tweeting ‘I Want to Be a Cambodian Police Woman’
–– Stirs pol pot.

Netflix urged to put health warning on The Crown reminding viewers it is fiction after criticism over controversial invented scenes
–– TV manufacturers asked to affix label to all sets ‘THIS IS NOT REALITY!’

Tennessee’s Down syndrome abortion ban can be enforced, appeals court rules
–– Down and dirty.

Human brain cells could one day be gene-edited to prevent Alzheimer's
–– Fuhgeddaboutit!

Bob Dylan lyrics, letters sell for nearly half a million dollars
–– It ain't free, babe.

Paul Anka, The Masked Singer's Broccoli, Shares the Current Artists He Thinks Will Stick Around
–– Anka management.

Ghislaine Maxwell is woken up in her cell every 15 minutes by flashlight to see if 'she is breathing,' her lawyer says
–– Is she even worth batteries?

Biden Chooses Antony Blinken, Defender of Global Alliances, as Secretary of State
–– Winkin’ Blinken a nod.

Progressives praise Yellen but could soon clash with Biden’s Treasury pick
–– Expect lots of yellin’.

Biden was pilloried for his criminal justice record. During his presidency, advocates expect change.
–– Like outlawing pillorying in public square?

Progressive groups want 'squad member' Rashida Tlaib in Biden cabinet
–– So do moderates if you throw away key.

AOC and Ilhan Omar sign petition calling on Biden not to give Bruce Reed administration role
–– Worth doodly-squad.

Zakaria: Trump is stomping on the face of democracy forever
–– Would pay to see democracy stomp back.

Mitt Romney calls Trump's attempt to overturn Michigan election 'undemocratic'
–– In latest slang for ‘tyrannical.’

Chris Christie calls Trump's legal team a 'national embarrassment'
–– From human punchline.

Republican former national security officials urge party to demand Trump concession
–– Get him to spill concede.

New Jersey Lawmaker Pushes To Disbar Rudy Giuliani For Deceitful, 'Absurd' Election Cases
–– Should disbar him from saloons.

Donald Trump has left the world stage. Few will miss him
–– When they throw darts at board with pic attached.

Federal judge dismisses Trump campaign Pennsylvania lawsuit
–– In latest slang for ‘pisses on.’

McDonald's CEO: How we are thinking differently about our role in society
–– Obesity, diabetes still your brief.

Treasury Secretary Mnuchin is moving $455 billion of unspent stimulus money into a fund the incoming Biden administration can't deploy without Congress
–– Sick transit gloria Mnuchin.

Biden COVID Adviser: U.S. Could Be 'Struggling' to Find ICU Beds by NYE
–– Drunk revelers should crash on park benches.

AstraZeneca and Oxford defend Covid vaccine trials after questions raised in the U.S.
–– After they take shots.

North Korean hackers suspected of targeting vaccine maker AstraZeneca in cyberattack, Reuters reports
–– Tip from anonymous AstraZeneca stockholder.

Germany Extends Strict Lockdown Measures With Eye Towards Reopening Ski Slopes
–– Schussdown.

The CEO of a major health system left the company after he said he wouldn't wear a mask
–– Bare-faced loser.

Covid-19 Infections at One of World’s Largest Medical Glove Makers
–– Irony File’s gotta hand it to ‘em.

French man fined for breaching lockdown to 'smash a guy's face in'
–– Mandatory smackdown.

Zoom nightmare come true: New Jersey school board member resigns after streaming bathroom break during meeting
–– Just streaming break?

Party at a Queens Sex Club With 80 People Is Shut Down by Sheriff
–– Were they going to COVIDeo?

‘All people' should avoid travel on cruise ships, CDC warns
–– How about Noah's Ark Pet Escapes?

Miss. Gov.: Health Experts 'Completely Wrong' About Statewide Mask Mandate
–– He totally miss gov.

The National Guard has been deployed to El Paso to provide support with the morgue crisis
–– Live, freeze and die.

Bodies of hundreds who died during New York coronavirus surge are still being stored in freezer trucks
–– Could be somebody’s pop.

Jeopardy!' Shares Thanksgiving Message Alex Trebek Recorded Before His Death
–– Waiting for one from after.

David Dinkins, New York's first Black mayor, dies at 93
–– Dinkins without a trace.

Diego Maradona, mesmerizing soccer star and Argentine legend, dies at 60
–– Passed away.

Diego Maradona once said he hated 'everything' from the US, and called President George W. Bush 'human trash'
–– Pitch slapped.

Pat Quinn, the co-founder of the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, dies at 37
–– Kicks ice bucket.