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Knight Must Fall
Week of 11/06/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Parody of the Black Knight Scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail with President-elect Biden as King Arthur and a defeated Donald Trump as the armless Black Knight kicking at him as he says, “Ohh, had enough, eh? Just a flesh wound! Chicken!! Chicken!!Trump has told people he has no plans to concede even if his path to victory is blocked
–– Already printed President for Life business cards.

Predicted 'blue wave' fails to reach the House
–– Did drown rat.

Trump prepares to launch a second term early, even without winning
–– Bad as it's been, imagine if he wasn't lazy, incompetent coward?

No presidential candidate in modern history has refused to concede, but there's no law that requires it
–– How’s it done in Lower Slobbovia?

If Trump does not concede, Biden campaign says U.S. government is ‘perfectly capable of escorting trespassers out of the White House.’
–– As long as they’re not too nice.

GOP begins pushing back against Trump's false election claims
–– Planning conference to discuss possibility of raising pinkie.

Chris Christie says Trump "undercut his own credibility" when he prematurely declared victory
–– Would need world's tiniest LASIK blade.

Evangelicals stick with Trump, see upside even if he loses
–– Hey, we have something in common with evangelicals!

Lawyers from both parties puzzled by Donald Trump's election legal strategy
–– Everyone puzzled by media calling it ‘strategy.’

Trump’s Vote Count Lawsuits Fail in Court But Rouse His Base
–– Who haven’t gotten it up since 2000.

'Not everyone is born with spine': Tensions within GOP rise as Trump's path to victory dwindles
–– From Rep. Jim Jordan, born without brain stem.

Trump Loss Means End of Twitter Special Treatment
–– Sweet Silence, we can hear ye calling!

Could Twitter delete Trump's account if he loses election? President will lose protection afforded to world leaders and would be subject to censorship rules that expelled Alex Jones
–– Is their toilet big enough?

Pelosi formally seeks another 2 years as speaker
–– To bring down House.

Why the polls were wrong about Trump (again)
–– They measure preferences of sentient life forms.

Counties with surges in COVID-19 cases overwhelmingly voted Trump: report
–– See above.

Gingrich: Election 'corruption' is beginning of Trump's second term
–– 'Corruption' was every day of his Presidency.

GOP effort to block 'cured' Pennsylvania ballots gets chilly reception from judge
–– Only want ‘sick’ ones for Trump.

Bannon on Trump era technique: 'Flood the zone with sh*t'
–– ‘Like me in 2017.’

Steve Bannon banned by Twitter for calling for Fauci beheading
–– Guess there’s sh*t even Twitter won’t take.

Donald Trump on track for key Florida victory as Joe Biden tipped to lose swaths of Latino votes
–– Biden didn’t spend enough time insulting them.

John Leguizamo on Latino Vote: "Trump Got Back What He Put In"
–– A shiv?

Mitch McConnell says a coronavirus relief package should be passed by the end of the year — and opens the door to including a key Democratic demand
–– History will remember him as Great Effin' Compromiser.

Biden's potential Cabinet picks may be limited 'to those who Mitch McConnell can live with'
–– So registered nurses dealing with dementia?

All states prohibit 'militia extremists' and paramilitary activities. So why aren't they stopped?
–– Um, guns?

MSNBC’s Joy Reid: Tight Presidential Race Shows ‘Great Amount of Racism and Anti Blackness’
–– Reids room.

Store fronts in New York City and Washington, DC, are being boarded up ahead of Election Day
–– Shutter to think.

Anderson Cooper cuts off Rick Santorum after he said businesses didn't board up their storefronts 'to keep Donald Trump supporters from looting'
–– Don’t think that’s what they feared in Herald Square.

Jared Kushner reportedly threw together Trump's legal team at the last minute
–– Rudy left Rolodex in cab.

Jared Kushner called Rupert Murdoch in a desperate bid to overturn the network calling Arizona for Biden, report says
–– Murdoch hung up thinking high-pitched squeaks were from gag caller doing Mickey Mouse.

'Someone may have to pay a price' for USPS's refusal to sweep for ballots, judge says
–– Stamp of disapproval.

Federal judge says he'll force USPS Postmaster General Louis DeJoy to show up in court and explain what happened to mail-in voting
–– Don’t mail summons.

The USPS can't account for 300,000 absentee ballots, but that's probably not as bad as it sounds
–– That they don’t know how to a-count?

Lara Trump predicts 'landslide' victory in rejection of election polling
–– If ‘land’ is dunghill, Trump at bottom.

John Oliver ‘nearly burst into tears’ voting for the first time as a U.S. citizen
–– Well before knowing 71 mil would vote for Trump.

The FBI is investigating dubious robocalls that told voters in several states to 'stay safe and stay home' on Election Day
–– Not ‘stand back and stand by’?

Democrats raised more than $315 million to decisively lose 6 Senate races
–– Losing campaigns stimulate economy as much as winning ones.

Sen. Lindsey Graham cruises to reelection against Democrat Jaime Harrison
–– Like it was Dudley’s in Charleston.

Susan Collins Says Challenger Sara Gideon Has Conceded Maine Senate Race
–– The reign in Maine stays vainly with the pain.

Republican Madison Cawthorn reacts to becoming youngest member of Congress: 'Cry more, lib'
–– Brokeback moron.

20-year-old Democrat who admitted to spreading revenge porn has been elected to the Kansas state House of Representatives
–– Had dirty pics of majority of voters.

Black men shift slightly toward Trump in record numbers, polls show
–– A bit earth-shattering? Vaguely overwhelming? A tad gargantuan?

Oregon becomes first US state to decriminalize hard drugs
–– It is like O-re-GONE!!!

Voters Rejecting the War on Drugs Is a Win for Public Health
–– Except for drivers, pedestrians.

Here’s how many people voted for Kanye West
–– High.

Lizzo Sends Inspiring Election Day Message While Posing Nude With an American Flag
–– We deserve a bigger flag!

Lil Pump threatens to leave US if Trump doesn't win
–– Pump hasn’t got handle on it?

Chelsea Handler goes topless with 'I voted' stickers
–– Perks interest?

Ex-Trump campaign manager Brad Parscale is trying to stop Florida from obtaining his psychiatric records so they could take his guns away
–– They're off par scale.

New bill set to expand Russian ex-presidents' immunity from prosecution
–– Trump’s lawyers reading carefully.

Moscow mayor says COVID-19 situation worsening, extends home learning
–– Putin for a transfer.

New Zealand: Book pulled after author criticises Maori tattoo
–– Publisher gets red ink.

A senior TikTok executive admitted the company used to censor content critical of China, 'specifically with regard to the Uighur situation'
–– TikTok tow line.

Pope shakes up running of Vatican funds after London property scandal
–– Holy See's and desist order.

Kentucky State Police Commissioner resigned days after a high school newspaper uncovered officers had once been trained using material that quoted Hitler
–– KFC colonel wore SS uniform.

‘Our land has been captured': Villagers attest to Chinese annexation of Nepalese territory
–– Pierced Nepal's.

Woman’s Eyeball Rots after Using Homeopathy to Treat Arthritis
–– Suffers Stink Eye.

Idaho Man Banned from Yellowstone National Park for Attempting to Cook Chickens in Hot Spring
–– Got Sodden Fried Chicken recipe from mom.

Truck driver flies too close to sun, gets wedged in fast food drive-thru lane
–– Like Dickarus.

Why Is ‘Saturday Night Live’ Suddenly Booking So Many Older Rock Bands?
–– And not flavor-of-week whose career evaporates while on stage?

‘Borat 2' posters removed from Paris buses amid backlash from Muslim community
–– At least ring inscribed ‘Allah’ isn’t around cock.

Sophia Loren: 'The body changes. The mind does not'
–– Actress long appreciated for beautifully-formed hemispheres.

Astronomers discover extreme planet which rains rocks, has lava seas and 3,000 mph winds
–– Dubbed the Rad Planet.

Hunt on for deadly boa constrictor after reptile's 5ft skin is found
–– And that was just foressskin, baby.

The Batteries of the Future Are Weightless and Invisible
–– And we have one here to show… where did it go?

Boy spots his first dragonfly and asks if it's a 'baby helicopter'
–– Mother responded, ‘No, stupid.’

New species of ancient cynodont, 220 million years old, discovered
–– Old extinct species resents attention.

Duck-billed dinosaur ‘swam across sea’ to Africa
–– Countering previous theory they took duck boats.

Mammals have liked a cuddle for 76m years
–– Which does seem little long.

Scientists Reconstructed a Dinosaur’s Pea-Sized Brain
–– To better understand Republican voter.

Mexico City police stumble on grisly butchering of 2 boys
–– Have to changes shoes.

Whitey Bulger’s family: Prison system did not protect him
–– Boo-da-fuckin’-hoo.

Well, Lori Loughlin Is Apparently a 'Wreck' in Prison, Just Days Into Her Sentence
–– From Schadenfreude File.

Hospitalized Jeannie Mai Was Told Her 'Throat Would Have Closed Up' If She 'Had Waited 1 More Day'
–– If only it was mouth.

Patrick Duffy Is Dating Linda Purl: ‘I Never Thought I’d Feel This Way Again’ After Wife’s Death
–– Purl and loop.

Snooki, 33, calls herself a 'Fit Mawma' in ripped gym pic: 'I run to drink wine'
–– Sweats Chardonnay.

Johnny Depp loses libel case against Britain's Sun newspaper
–– Failed Depposition.

Johnny Depp reveals Warner Bros have FIRED him from Fantastic Beasts role after Amber Heard trial - but vows to 'prove allegations against him are FALSE'
–– Producers cite Depp perception.

Disney’s new skinless robot can blink like a human because why not
–– If that human’s Stephen Miller.

Tesla just rolled out its own tequila. It's already sold out
–– Really pushing self-driving vehicles.

Trump rallygoers were again left waiting in the cold when not enough buses showed up to take them back to their cars
–– Retarded spoilage.

McDonald’s customers are freaking out over the chain’s ‘way better’ French version: ‘Why can’t we have that?’
–– Regular McDonald’s customers can’t spell France.

Joe Biden promised to return things to normal. Is that even possible now?
–– The Nu? Normal.

Russian scientists discover huge walrus haulout in Arctic circle
–– Their version of rave.

Crate of oranges sells for $9,600 in Japan
–– Pitty?

Warner Bros. Apologizes After ‘The Witches’ Sparks Backlash From People With Disabilities
–– Witches with three grateful they have middle finger to respond.

Bobi Wine, Ugandan singer and opposition presidential candidate, arrested
–– Made bobby whine.

Category 4 Hurricane Eta is battering Nicaragua ahead of an expected 'catastrophic' landfall
–– Managua overboard.

The U.S. border wall is tearing through wilderness, right under our noses
–– Tragic, but you shouldn’t be lying face down on border.

Van Gogh suffered 'delirium' from alcohol withdrawal, experts believe
–– Drinking because crazy, but what’s an expert on maladies of 19th-Century Post-Impressionist painters supposed to say?

Friendly’s files for bankruptcy and puts itself up for sale
–– Friendly fires.

“Baby Shark" Swims Past "Despacito" to Become Most-Viewed YouTube Video of All-Time
–– As global infantilization continues apace.

Machu Picchu re-opened with this show
–– Pokémon: Find Picchuchu.

TV Ratings: ‘Supermarket Sweep’ Dips Again, ‘Sunday Night Football’ on Top
–– Onion?

Jenny McCarthy Denies Lip Injections After Wendy Williams Calls Out Her Pout on The Masked Singer
–– She naturally induces pucker factor.

Shirley MacLaine’s Secret to Her Longevity: ‘I’m Not a Diva’
–– ‘I was in 1800s Venice, but not now.’

'Kindred' Review: It's 'Rosemary's Baby' Meets 'Get Out'
–– If they both sucked.

Bill Belichick gives surprisingly in-depth answer on why 2020 has been rough for the Patriots
–– 'Tom Brady.'

Lizzo Dresses Up as the Debate Fly on Vice President Mike Pence's Head for Halloween
–– Would love to see her land on his head.

Vienna attacker Kujtim Fejzulai described as ISIS sympathizer
–– Or perhaps translation was 'depraved scumbag.'

Austria says mistakes made in dealing with Vienna attacker
–– 4 dead, 23 injured suggests 'slip-up.'

Macron said he understands Muslims' fury over cartoons mocking the Prophet Muhammad but defended France's 'freedom to speak, to write, to think, to draw'
–– Qualities fanatics treasure.

Dutch PM denounces intolerance as teacher in hiding amid Islam cartoon debate
–– Condemn Hague speech.

Despite Trump-Erdogan ties, Turkey says it will work with whoever wins U.S. vote
–– As long as he bans mean cartoons of fascist leader.

Turkey Shuts Down Movie Theaters After 10pm, Production Continues
–– They make films in theaters where they show?

North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un Appears to Have Gained Weight (Again)
–– Linked to disappearance of three aides.

A hangman's noose displayed in a polling station in Missouri covered up following complaints of voter intimidation towards Black voters
–– Noose break.

Trump Rally Flag Lift Collapses During His Speech In North Carolina
–– After 13 black cats frightened by murder of crows passed under ladder in front of it.

Adam Gase reacts to Jets 0-8 start: 'I'm doing this job to win, not to go out there and get my face stomped in'
–– Gase again.

Federal agents are erecting a 'non-scalable' fence around the White House in apparent anticipation of Election Day unrest
–– So it'll remain same size?

Some Christians say Trump has pushed young people away from their churches — and his impact on Christianity could last well beyond his presidency
–– Satanists experiencing boom.

Martha Stewart Told Chelsea Handler She Hasn’t Smoked Weed Since The ‘70s But Loves A Cocktail
–– Looooves a cocktail.

The Atlantic gave Ruth Shalit a ‘second chance’ 25 years after a media scandal. It ended with a bitter retraction.
–– Ruth shall not.

Russia’s 'Sausage King' killed with a crossbow in sauna outside Moscow
–– Right in kolbasa.

Whale of a ride: Crashed subway train lands on giant sea creature sculpture
–– Luckily too big for breaches.

Snake Has Toad Pulled From Throat After Biting Off More Than It Could Chew
–– Sounded like he had frog in there.

Man who confessed to being one of South Korea's most-notorious serial killers says he's surprised he wasn't caught sooner
–– Thought he wasn't fooling Seoul.

Pregnant Shelby Tribble pokes fun at her '20 chins'
–– The trouble with Tribble’s.

Suspect in medieval clothing killed 2 and injured 5 in Quebec City sword attack, police say
–– Cosplay to the hilt.

Off-duty state trooper returning from a Halloween party in a Star Wars Stormtrooper costume stops drink-drive suspect driving the wrong way
–– On speeder bike.

How 'The Craft: Legacy' Star Lovie Simone Ended Up Saying Franchise's Most Famous Line
–– Which it says here, no kidding, is “We are the weirdos, mister.”

Wesley Snipes Says He 'Came Out a Clearer Person' After Serving Prison Time for Tax Evasion
–– Sounds like Scientologists got to him in clink.

How to stress-eat your way through Election Day with free food
–– Prepared by coronavirus patients.

Paris Jackson debuts 'Let Down' and signs record deal
–– Total letdown.

A Florida man was mauled by a leopard after paying $150 for a 'full-contact experience'
–– Can’t sue for false advertising.

20-year-old woman cast her ballot early before dying of cancer. Her state will throw it out.
–– So if grandma voted, hold off reporting her passing until 4th.

A once restrained Fauci unleashes on White House coronavirus approach days before election
–– Erupts like Mount Fauci.

Biden campaign cancels Texas event after Trump supporters surround bus on interstate
–– White Nationalists always did hate bussing.

US election: Biden event in Texas cancelled as 'armed' Trump supporters threaten campaign bus
–– Armed and dumgerous.

Marco Rubio Applauds Trump Caravan Surrounding Biden Bus in Texas: 'We Do That in Florida Every Day'
–– You also snort meth, break in, sex traffic, every day.

Trump lashes out after FBI announces investigation of Biden bus incident
–– Just part of base's Coachyeller Festival.

A New Jersey cop sent sexually explicit texts to an 18-year-old woman hours after he arrested her, prosecutors say
–– According to penile code.

Bedouins go back to their roots in Egypt as COVID-19 hits tourism
–– Vacation on Camelback?

The pandemic is permanently changing fast food as Wendy's, Burger King, and Chipotle double down on high-tech drive-thrus
–– But can it alter actual lousy food?

Ariana Grande Says Stay Off the Mechanical Bull Until the Pandemic Is Over
–– In latest slang for… that is euphemism, right?

Trump’s Favorite COVID Adviser Goes on Kremlin-Backed RT to Blast Lockdowns as ‘Epic Failure’
–– 'Like your hacking of this election.'

England to enter second lockdown in days, says Boris Johnson
–– Brit dicey.

Queen Elizabeth returns to Windsor Castle as England prepares for second national lockdown
–– Prince Andrew to Tower of London.

Sean Connery, Oscar Winner and James Bond Star, Dies at 90
–– Beats the Bond.

Peter Bart: A Candid Sean Connery Confided How 007 Franchise Left Him Both Rich And Resentful
–– Shaken, but Sirred.

Darrell Hammond Honors Sean Connery With ‘Saturday Night Live’ Impression Clip
–– In newest slang for ‘disses.’

Harrison Ford Remembers His ‘Indiana Jones’ Dad Sean Connery
–– Who he archeologically dug.

‘The Untouchables’ Stars Kevin Costner & Robert De Niro Remember “Man’s Man” Sean Connery
–– Connery row.

Sean Connery 'was absolutely a great kisser,' recalls Bond girl Barbara Carrera: 'The scene was so sacred'
–– Made her fatima blush.

Sean Connery demanded Disney spend "more fucking money" on Michael Bay's 'The Rock'
–– Escort budget was low?

Betty Dodson, Women’s Guru of Self-Pleasure, Dies at 91
–– Rubbed out.