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Death on Denial
Week of 10/30/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Spoof of a Trump Pence 202o campaign poster with the heading Reality Bites and Donald Trump’s face wearing a virtual reality headset.Trump Baselessly Accuses Doctors Of Overreporting Covid Deaths For Financial Gain
–– Pray media overreports one political death.

Here’s What We Know About Joe Biden’s COVID-19 Plan
–– He has one.

White House chief of staff: 'We are not going to control the pandemic'
–– No matter how hard you try and make us!

Trump breaks with Meadows, says he hasn’t given up on controlling virus
–– Says he’s still wishing ‘really, really hard.’

Obama slams Trump over coronavirus: 'He's jealous of Covid's media coverage'
–– And that it looks better than him.

Chuck Schumer Says Americans Are Dying of COVID Because Trump Is A 'Moron'
–– Sound diagnosis, Dr. Schumer.

Donald Trump Jr. claims U.S. COVID deaths are 'almost nothing' on day over 1,000 people die
–– Based on victims’ net worth.

Conservative Pastor Says Trump Proves Christians Are Immune to COVID
–– It was toxic bile that killed virus in Trump.

Pence to keep up U.S. campaigning after close aides test positive for COVID-19
–– Not worth sick's Pence.

Asked if it's safe to hold rally amid surging COVID-19 infections, White House spokesperson notes Pence has 'the best doctors'
–– Would love to see them have to prove it.

Officials in Trump's administration say, despite public denial, the president is actually pushing for a herd immunity strategy for COVID-19
–– Easier when base are already sheep.

Sweden's Fauci Says COVID Won't Be Eradicated With Herd Immunity
–– Swede and lowdown.

South Africa may have achieved COVID-19 herd immunity, expert says
–– Haven't you herd?

Fox News staffers say the network is 'in a panic' about election-night coverage after top hosts were exposed to a COVID-19 patient and told to quarantine
–– Producers already scouring red state drunk tanks for subs.

White House aide says Trump's vaccine-by-Election Day promise was 'arbitrary'
–– In latest slang for ‘what did you expect?’

Mark Meadows Is More Like Trump’s Personal Assistant than Chief of Staff, West Wingers Claim
–– Former Chiefs didn’t manscape POTUS PUBUS.

Texas GOP senator didn't "graduate" from Oxford University law program, as claimed in prior campaign
–– Cornyn did pass through Oxford, MS as student,

Madame Tussauds in Berlin dumps Trump before U.S. election
–– Melted down for COVID memory candles.

Bob Dylan reveals he wrote 'Lay Lady Lay' for Barbra Streisand in 'lost' 1971 interview
–– Original title Bray Lady Bray.

Hot doctor sick of being told she's 'too pretty to work in medical field'
–– Hot? Want second opinion?

Noam Chomsky Believes Trump Is “the Worst Criminal in Human History”
–– Whoa, Chomsky at the bit.

A Bunch of Trump Supporters Had to Be Hospitalized... Again
–– In psych ward?

‘People Are Going To Be Shocked’: Return of the ‘Shy’ Trump Voter?
–– ‘Shy’ of full deck?

2 Florida men allegedly used device to fish out mail, mail-in ballots: report
–– Play Guess the News Source.

Trump floats moving his election night party to the White House
–– In underground bunker.

After fiancée is found dead, man researches time travel to "correct a horrible mistake"
–– Bad as publishing this drivel?

Lori Loughlin begins 2-month prison sentence in college admissions scandal
–– Feel safe, America.

McDonald’s McRib is returning to menus across America for the first time in 8 years, sparking celebration among the obsessive fans of the cult-classic sandwich
–– And abject fear in rat population.

James Comey's wife tried to convince him not to make his surprise October announcement about Hillary Clinton's emails in 2016
–– All down Hill after that.

Republican Sen. Mike Lee said fact-checking labels placed by social media companies are a form of censorship
–– Telling truth un-American!

Skeleton Strip Club Halloween Display Gets Under Neighbors' Skin
–– Which, at least, they have.

Sarah Silverman slams non-forgiving cancel culture of progressives
–– But only because she’s sane adult.

Donald Sutherland Said Ex-Girlfriend Jane Fonda Had "the Most Beautiful Breasts in the World"
–– Made other Klute remarks.

Could Biden Blow This Thing?
–– Asks National Review, unzipping.

Beto O’Rourke Has Some Final Advice for the Biden Campaign
–– ‘Ignore anything I say!’

Jerry Falwell Jr. is suing Liberty University after his forced resignation over sex scandal
–– ‘In my heart, I’ve always been a proud Libertarian.’

OAA chief scientist fired for asking new Trump hires to recognize scientific integrity policy
–– And for being ‘an effing scientist!’

Jennifer Garner Almost Quit Dallas Buyers Club Because She Couldn't Pump on Set
–– Felt like sucker.

David Perdue: Georgia senator pulls out of final debate after 'brutal' takedown by Democrat goes viral
–– Pain Perdue.

Far-right armed group leader says militants will 'stand up and protect people on Election Day' in an interview with Alex Jones
–– Sowing his wild Oath.

‘Bad things are going to happen to him’: Trump threatens unmasked ‘Anonymous’ whistleblower at Florida rally
–– UnAnonymous threat.

Gov. Ron DeSantis had trouble voting because someone had falsely submitted a change of address under his name
–– And he had to figure out how to color inside tiny circle next to name.

Chelsea Handler says Andrew Cuomo ghosted her after agreeing to go out on a date
–– Left it to handlers.

In the U.S., City Rents Are Falling, and Suburban Rents Are Climbing
–– Landlords lease likely to succeed.

Man falls through New York City pavement into 'rat-filled chasm'
–– Or 'charming pet-friendly bsmt apt.'

Qatar subjected women to intimate searches at airport
–– Behind closed Doha.

What Iran’s Idlib Campaign Reveals About Turkey’s Foreign Fighters in Nagorno-Karabakh
–– It’s more like Mad Lib.

Trump rushes struggling GOP senator at rally: 'You got one minute, they don't want to hear this'
–– McSally forth.

People Say Melania Trump’s Speech Against 'Hate’ Should Come With A Laugh Track
–– Or at least Yakety Sax cue.

Leaked Trump Admin Document Describes Billie Eilish as 'Destroying Our Country and Everything We Care About'
–– Didn’t know they cared about decent pop music.

A man waved a sword at a woman blocks away from a polling place, warning her to 'vote for Trump' and photographing her license plate
–– Then General Beauregard got back on horse.

Matthew McConaughey doesn't let his kids say the words 'lying,' 'hate,' and 'I can't'
–– I can’t hate his lying.

Craig Carton to Return to WFAN Airwaves 3 Years After His Arrest
–– Will milk Carton.

LeAnn Rimes Says She's "Tired of Hiding" While Baring Psoriasis in Nude Photos
–– What all exhibitionists say.

Gwyneth Paltrow Gives Fans a Rare Glimpse of Her Living Room & It's Surprisingly Simple  
–– Like fans.

Kelly Clarkson Has One Question in Her Latest 'Kellyoke': 'Whataya Want From Me?'
–– Last ‘Kellyoke.’

Texas has exceeded its entire 2016 vote, and Ted Cruz is convinced it's a 'real race'
–– 'Like our Master Race!'

Las Vegas police charge driver after man pushed a cyclist to her death, fell out a minivan window, hit his head on a lamppost, and died at the scene
–– Left tail light was out.

Kanye West gifts Kim Kardashian West a hologram of her late father
–– Who talks more sense than he does.

Jack Nicklaus explains why he voted for President Donald Trump
–– Too many tee shots off head.

Jay Cutler endorses Trump amid divorce from Kristin Cavallari
–– Split from reality sometime ago.

Roseanne Barr, Kid Rock, Jon Voight, Dennis Quaid and More Endorse Trump
–– Or the Fanatic Four.

NFL legend Brett Favre and hockey star Bobby Orr endorse Trump
–– Does us Favre: Fuck Orrf.

From Lil Pump to Waka Flocka, Trump-Supporting Rappers Are Speaking Up
–– Ain’t dat MAGA Flocka?

Cathedral hosts memorial service after 'enormously popular' resident stray cat dies
–– Hope she ends up in Doggie Heaven.

Perdue and Ossoff trade personal attacks in heated Georgia Senate debat
–– Burns oss off.

Democrats Accuse Louis DeJoy of Sabotaging Election
–– Fear Post mortem.

Former Trump campaign official: Father forgive me, I believed his con
–– God may, but we can’t.

Wisconsin GOP says hackers stole $2.3M from Trump reelection fund
–– Suspect Donny Bear, Eric Bear.

Georgia Sen. Kelly Loeffler says she is 'not familiar' with Access Hollywood tape
–– When asked, ‘How does Trump grab you?’

Arizona Congressman Compares His Grueling Harvard Admission Story To Jared Kushner's
–– Well, if he’d been a little smarter choosing his parents…

Investment banker must pay damages after her dog ran into path of cyclist and left him brain damaged
–– Pooch is out $50,000 in treats.

Trump Promises Best Stimulus Package Ever — After the Election
–– Is already lubing up latex gloves.

Hundreds of Trump supporters stuck on freezing cold Omaha airfield after rally, 7 taken to hospitals
–– Could really use stimulus package.

Matthew McConaughey on why he went to film school instead of becoming a lawyer, and his trick for getting out of a career rut
–– Couldn’t afford Lincoln at time.

‘I cherish you': Drew Barrymore and Tom Green reunite for first time in 15 years since divorce
–– In latest slang for 'despise.'

Kate Winslet says she learned to her hold breath for more than 7 minutes for underwater scenes in 'Avatar 2'
–– Don’t hold yours waiting to see it.

NASA finds rare metal asteroid worth $10,000 quadrillion
–– And 45¢.

Costco is the latest retailer to drop Chaokoh coconut milk over allegations of forced monkey labor, PETA says
–– Can go back to paid positions as barrel makers.

Charlie Hebdo, whose cartoons sparked terror attacks in France, published a cutting caricature of Turkish President Erdogan amid his feud with Macron
–– Charlie on the spot.

Turkey will take legal, diplomatic steps over French caricature of Erdogan
–– Because only thick skin is in head.

What we know about the knife attack in Nice
–– It wasn’t very.

Woman Beheaded in French Knife ‘Terror’ Attack at Church, 3 Dead
–– As if lunatics resent ‘non-believers’ for having brains.

As France Mourns, Malaysia's Former Leader Says Muslims Have Right to 'Kill Millions of French People'
–– Madhatter Mohamad?

Teenager shot and killed after attacking police station in Russia in apparent echo of France attacks
–– Really dim echo.

’It’s Not Looting. It’s a Rebellion’: Protests Rock Philly for Second Night After Police Killing
–– ‘But we can see how you’re confused, because we’re um, er, looting like crazy.’

Adorable moment butterfly lands on end of Titan the Doberman's snout 
–– Prompting beast to tear owners to shreds.

Once seen as a star in Justin Trudeau’s government, Patty Hajdu is now the incredible shrinking minister
–– Knee-high to moose.

House Republicans Raked Over The Coals For ‘Psychopathic’ Birthday Tweet For Hillary Clinton
–– Like rat kebabs.

The slim, cordless Dyson V8 Absolute vacuum has some seriously savage suction— and it’s $150 off
–– And will never tell.

Trump reportedly cancels millions of dollars in Florida ad spending
–– Reallocates to pocket.

Amy Locane's prison cell roommate is the notorious Suitcase Killer
–– They'll have lots to unpack.

Giuliani gets irate after Fox News's Kennedy questions his Hunter Biden allegations: 'You better apologize!'
–– ‘This poor little conspiracy is in tears over here!’

Greenwald resigns from The Intercept over Biden article
–– After pick six.

Fox News Cuts Off Lindsey Graham In The Middle Of His Latest Money Plea
–– Was on all fours, wearing red bustier, fishnet stockings, dog collar.

Lincoln Project Hits ‘Sniveling Weak Crybaby’ Lindsey Graham In Brutal New Ad
–– Graham snivels, trembles, weeps.

New York Times: Tax records show Trump had over $270 million in debt forgiven after failing to repay lenders
–– Eventually took it out of Federal budget.

Nxivm founder sentenced to the remainder of his life in prison
–– Pity the other inmates.

NXIVM Whistleblower Sarah Edmondson Reacts to Keith Raniere Sentencing: "I'm Really Shocked"
–– Totally on brand.

Los Angeles Dodgers win World Series for the first time since 1988, defeat Tampa Bay Rays in six games
–– Rays' Hell.

What Did Pterosaurs Eat? Look Very Closely at Their Teeth
–– You freakin’ tell ‘em to say ‘Cheese!’

Short Lived Clovis Tools May Have Killed Off North American Megafauna
–– Tool and die maker?

’Massive’ coral reef taller than the Empire State Building discovered in Australia
–– Scaled by King Kong Shrimp.

Why cracking down on the shark fin trade may be easier than we thought
–– Dorsal open.

Fortune Feimster marries Jacquelyn Smith
–– And has a cousin in the Bronx.

Seven bodies found in fertilizer shipment from Serbia to Paraguay
–– Took root.

Meat from animals not stunned before they are slaughtered must be labelled, vet association says
–– What if merely surprised.

Ex-CIA Director Brennan: 'Outrageous' for Trump to talk of inviting Saudi crown prince to D.C.
–– For choppng spree?

The Biden-Harris Antipathy toward Guns Portends Trouble for Law Enforcement
–– If only they loved them like Marines.

Biden says he won't return Trump's attacks on his children because 'it's crass' to target a political opponent's family
–– If ass is crass?

Fall Out Boy back Joe Biden for President: "Lives depend on it"
–– Fall Out Boy Eric’s nickname.

Republican party spends nearly $1 million to make Fox News’ Sean Hannity a bestseller
-– Most successful illiterate author in history.

Trump responds to second 'Borat' film, where a deleted scene shows the film's actress at the White House, calling Sacha Baron Cohen 'a creep'
–– Trump and/or/nor actress?

Sacha Baron Cohen pushes back on Rudy Giuliani calling his scene in 'Borat 2' a 'complete fabrication': 'He did what he did'
–– Had his little Rudy awakening.

Kanye West Shares Reason for Presidential Bid: "I Believe My Calling Is to Be the Leader of the Free World"
–– Call came from Yeezy.

Brad Pitt narrates new Biden campaign ad airing during World Series
–– Pitted against Trump.

Classic Disney films now have stronger advisories warning of racist content
–– Cel viewers short.

Poland's president has coronavirus, apologizes to contacts
–– Sick-a-dee Duda.

Thousands protest against COVID-19 curbs in Poland
–– In gutter where they belong.

Billionaire James Dyson just sold his Singapore penthouse at a massive loss a year after his company scrapped plans to design an electric vehicle in the city
–– Guess he’s not cleaning up.

Egypt just unveiled the first restaurant at the Great Pyramids ever as it doubles down on tourism to lure travelers back
–– Sphinxberry.

Ireland’s beloved wild dolphin Fungie mysteriously vanished for more than a week, and people fear he may have died
–– Fungie jumping.

Arnold Schwarzenegger says he feels 'fantastic' after undergoing heart surgery
–– Can almost curl plastic spoon.

Anderson Cooper and Maria Shriver discuss finding positivity amid pandemic
–– She gets warm, fuzzy over ex’s medical emergency.

Kevin Hart is ready for the revived MDA telethon
–– Like Lewis black.

Democrats planning 30-hour 'digital filibuster' to try to stop Amy Coney Barrett being confirmed
–– That’s long time to twiddle thumbs.

Murkowski announces she will vote yes to confirm Amy Coney Barrett
–– Shook case of ethics.

Associate Justice Amy Coney Barrett sworn in by Chief Justice Roberts
–– Grim and Barrett.

Jimmy Kimmel Calls White House’s Amy Coney Barrett Confirmation Celebration Its “Second Red Wedding”
–– Where everyone slits own throat.

Girl Scouts respond to backlash over since-deleted tweet celebrating Amy Coney Barrett: 'We are neither red nor blue'
–– That's how cookies crumble.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg should have retired under Obama to prevent Trump from filling her seat, says Bill Maher
–– In latest time travel fantasy.

How a pair of raccoons (probably) broke into a bank
–– Were wearing masks.

Ogre-faced spiders have great hearing—without ears
–– So don't let them hear how ugly you think they are.

Footballer recommended to rest after suffering horror testicle injury
–– Balls offsides.

Is your local McDonald's ice cream machine broken? A new map has the answer (finally).
–– Does it include locations of places with real ice cream?

This is what Burger King's new reusable packaging looks like
–– And why it tastes better than contents.

3D print creates worlds smallest boat to follow bacteria
–– USS Monitor.

As Washington delays stimulus, the Fed is running out of ways to help the economy
–– Just more Red Bull.

Coronavirus could age the brain by 10 years or cause IQ to fall
–– Bolstering Trump’s chances.

Rand Paul Says Service Industry Should Hire 'Immune' COVID Survivors
–– Starting with him.

Researchers testing to see if heated face masks will kill COVID-19
–– While tanning chin, lips, nose!

We are going in the wrong direction': Fauci predicts that Americans will not see 'semblances of normality' until 2022 amid the coronavirus pandemic
–– Could begin ‘abatement of abnormality’ after Election Day.

Chicago sisters accused of stabbing employee 27 times after being asked to wear a mask
–– During attack he suggested they socially distance.

JetBlue bans white man, donning Burger King crown, after racist scene on New York-bound flight
–– Trouble whopper with Geez!

Jerry Jeff Walker, Singer Who Wrote "Mr. Bojangles," Dies at 78
–– Wiped Walker.