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Woozy Q
Week of 10/23/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Spoof of Wreck-It Ralph with Donald Trump as Dick-It Don and a sad-looking Q*bert character as Q*Anon. More Than Half of Trump Supporters Believe QAnon Conspiracy Theories Now
–– Wish they were part of ‘elite sex-trafficking rings.’

Trump to Biden: ‘I ran because of you’
–– Now let it be out of town.

Even if Joe Biden misspoke about 'Proud Boys,' social media embraces 'poor boys'
–– Act like southern-fried shrimps.

Trump campaign, UFC team up for massive YouTube ad during final debate
–– Mixed-up martial arse.

Charlamagne Tha God credits Trump for 'actually talking to young Black male voters'
–– Lies directly to them.

GOP Welcomes Steve Wynn's Millions, Despite Rape And Harassment Allegations
–– Wynn-wince situation.

Ohio sheriff pledges to help celebrities move if Trump gets reelected
–– Take the relo road.

Trump admin considers branding Amnesty International, other human rights groups as 'anti-Semitic'
–– Bibi bumper.

The Fear Behind Donald Trump’s Obsession with Immunity
–– 'Catch' his name.

Trump announces that Israel and Sudan have agreed to normalize relations
–– Sudan impact.

Donald Trump may be the most pro-Jewish president ever
–– Like ham on rye.

Donald Trump will go down in history as a revolutionary leader on the global stage
–– Way down as he kept heads spinning.

Iran Holds Anti-Air War Games After Border Tension Rise, Arms Sale Ban Ends
–– But can only afford radio-controlled model planes.

Protester arrested in Iran for cycling without hijab
–– These days need full-body N95 burqa.

Despite U.S. sanctions, Iranian broadcaster pumps out propaganda with aid of Broward firm
–– Includes ads for Joe’s Stone Crab, Coppertone.

Trump taps 2016 brain trust to stage another stunner in 2020
–– If you trust they have brain.

Stephen Colbert Taunts GOP Senator With ‘Tiny Little Testicles’ Over Trump Comments
–– Hits the sack.

Twitter Has Thoughts About Melania Trump Pulling Away From Donald Trump's Hand After the Debate
–– Can’t believe first three words.

Trump Tells Pennsylvania Rally He's Only There Because the Pandemic Upended His Campaign
–– And their infection rates seems a little low.

Some states count ballots if voter dies before Election Day
–– And are buried wearing 'I Voted' sticker.

Ice Cube responds to backlash over Trump collaboration
–– OG whiz.

50 Cent Would Rather Endorse Donald Trump Than Let Joe Biden Raise His Taxes
–– Half bucks trend.

Fact check: Photo of Ice Cube, 50 Cent wearing Trump hats is altered
–– Brains beneath, too.

A Miami Cop Is In Trouble For Wearing A Pro-Trump Mask Near An Early Voting Site
–– Heat seeking dismissal.

Armed Men Who Claimed to Be Hired by Trump Showed Up at a Florida Polling Place
–– Cops?

Former principal who said he couldn't confirm that the Holocaust was real is rehired to a new position
–– Camp commandant.

How President Trump delivered on a number of foreign policy pledges
–– Exceptionally low number, but this is Fox.

White House Will Host Halloween Trick-or-Treat with 'Extra Precautions' for COVID-19
–– Trump to wear Scream mask with no air holes.

Salem, Mass., Says Stay Away If You Know What's Good For You This Halloween
–– Lot at stake.

15,000 expected at National Mall in DC for 'worship protest' Sunday
–– Praying for reign.

Judge orders Justice Department to verify its filings in Flynn case
–– Collect metal shavings after sawing away at shackles.

Why Taraji P. Henson Called Off Her Engagement to Fiance Kelvin Hayden
–– His sight, hearing returned.

Eric Andre says ‘James Corden is f - - ked’ if being mean gets you canceled
–– Andre would be f - - ked if being unfunny gets you canceled.

Drew Barrymore's Ex-Husband Says His Dead Relatives Would Never Talk to the Psychic on Her Talk Show
–– Would raise stink with Chanel side of family.

Kandi Burruss Is Unrecognizable in Her Insanely Fierce Halloween Costume
–– Um, uh, and out.

Emily Simpson Offers an Update on Her Plans to Move to Utah
––Or 'Nobody going Nowhere.'

Anthony Mackie Shares Hilarious Story About Meeting Chadwick Boseman
–– In latest slang for ‘mildly amusing.’

Emily in Paris Star Lucas Bravo on the Paris Cliché That's Actually 'So True'
–– So only 90% merde?

Toronto's ASD Band Looks To Raise Autism Awareness By Example
–– Illin’!

We Adopted Four Kids, Then Discovered We Were Pregnant With Quadruplets'
–– Eight is En…Nightmare!

Cold-water swimming could help keep dementia at bay
–– By causing cardiac arrest.

Trump order strips workplace protections from civil servants
–– Always had weakness for strippers.

NASA releases never-before-seen pictures of Bennu, an asteroid that may hold the building blocks of life
–– Or, y' know, probably not.

Old Man Winter arrives early for millions across the Great Plains and Upper Midwest
–– In cliché on runners.

States grapple with mask rules at polls to avoid dangers of both superspreaders and standoffs
–– Hey assholes are enfranchised, too!

Banksy’s 'Show me the Monet' painting sells for nearly $10 million
–– How much for this equally inspired masterpiece?

Giacometti sculpture offered in secretive 'sealed-bid' sale -- with a minimum price of $90M
–– Heard the skinny?

The 'Caspian Sea Monster' rises from the grave
–– Plane click bait.

Scientists Unearthed 4 Sacrificial Inca Llamas Buried for 500 Years
–– Llama drama ding dong.

Possible new organ in the human throat discovered by Dutch scientists
–– Who’s?

Actor Sam Elliott narrates Biden campaign ad aired during World Series
–– Hopes 'the dude abides.'

The first firefighting robot in America is here -- and it has already helped fight a major fire in Los Angeles
–– Set by animatronic pyro!

Meet the Diabolical Ironclad Beetle. It’s Almost Uncrushable.
–– But yer gonna fall in love with it!

African crocodiles lived in Spain six million years ago
–– On Tore-Us Visa.

Homo erectus, not humans, may have invented the barbed bone point
–– But forgot to file for patent.

Some Small Dinosaurs Had The Ability To Glide, They Just Weren't Very Good At It
–– Avoiding quite a mess below.

Dinosaur Asteroid Hit Worst Case Place
–– Bedrock Civic Center.

Scientists Discover 24-Million-Year-Old Megashark Hunting Ground in South Carolina
–– Where they rumbled with Megajets.

What Even Is Friction, Anyway?
–– Very question rubs us wrong way.

Snakes see in the dark by turning heat into a thermal image
–– Prey doesn’t feel too hot.

Is Yes on 22 says shortchanging USPS? + Latino voter turnout + New affirmative action poll
–– In worst rebus ever.

Pope Francis, in Shift for Church, Voices Support for Same-Sex Civil Unions
–– Doesn't address man e pedo.

Ex-flight attendant serves just a week in jail for sex with 15-year-old
–– Forced to quit Mile Highschool Club.

Trump Taunts Lesley Stahl of ‘60 Minutes’ After Cutting Off Interview
–– Stahl tactics.

The F.D.A. Wanted to Ban Some Hair Straighteners. It Never Happened.
–– Couldn’t untangle story?

Jacob Lawrence Painting, Missing for Decades, Is Found by Met Visitor
–– Who wandered into store room looking for toilet!

Quibi to Shut Down Six Months After Launch
–– Goal was to keep it short.

New Photo Book Captures Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher on Cusp of Stardom
–– Fisher in cups.

Here’s how Disney lost Shonda Rhimes to Netflix over a Disneyland pass
–– Sounds Dopey.

Shonda Rhimes Is Ready to "Own Her S***": The Game-Changing Showrunner on Leaving ABC, "Culture Shock" at Netflix and Overcoming Her Fears
–– She’s produced an awful lot of it.

Inside Shonda Rhimes' First Netflix Series 'Bridgerton': "We're Not Making Your Grandmother's Period Piece"
–– Which means completely anachronistic.

Nicolas Cage has some wild stories about his two-headed snake and talking crow
–– Are they Cage free?

’Legally Blonde 3’ Delays Release Date to 2022
–– aka Dye, Monster, Dye.

Jean-Claude Van Damme saves dog’s life after passport dispute
–– Decides not to kill chihuahua working behind Agency counter.

Nigerian Forces Fire on Demonstrators Protesting Police Brutality
–– Justifying demonstration, but still…

Trump Allies Say the Virus Has Almost Run Its Course. ‘Nonsense,’ Experts Say.
–– Course is like Indy 500 and its in first tun.

McConnell Moves to Head Off Stimulus Deal as Pelosi Reports Progress
–– ‘Concerned’ it would provide relief from misery.

Mitch McConnell says he has no health concerns after photos show bruising
–– Just hates being two least favorite colors, black and blue.

Tiffany Trump makes rare campaign appearance for Pride event
–– Though she’s basically Shame on a stick.

Tiffany Trump campaigns at Trump Pride event: 'I know what my father believes in'
–– Holding up image of Princes of Hell.

Senate to vote Monday to confirm Amy Coney Barrett to Supreme Court
–– Offering bony carrot to base.

After Barrett meeting, Murkowski still opposes election-year confirmation
–– Really? Al aska.

Porn Stars Are Terrified of Amy Coney Barrett
–– Rates neg numbers on Peter Meter.

Trump calls CNN 'dumb bastards' for covering coronavirus
–– From man who almost certainly has personal experience of siring those.

Exxon denies Trump called CEO for money. But Big Oil is donating way more to Trump than Biden
–– Instead sent Eric, Don Jr. in gorilla suits to try and muscle him.

Joe Biden Ad Pulled as Ann Arbor's Blind Pig Club Owner Faces Threats
–– From brainless pig.

Rebel Wilson says she's almost at weight loss goal
–– Sign up for text alert when she reaches it!

This 1996 Law Was Meant to Save Radio. Instead, It Decimated Popular Black Music
–– And now you never hear popular black music.

35 years after his murder, a victim is identified -- because of his belt buckle
–– Another notch for Sheriff’s office.

New Yorker Suspends Jeffrey Toobin for Masturbating on Zoom Call
–– Seen tubin’.

Jeffrey Toobin suspended from New Yorker, on leave from CNN, after he exposed himself on Zoom call
–– Election simulation became erection stimulation.

Canadian town of Asbestos chooses new name
–– To Arsenic.

U.S. expected to sue Google next week as DOJ seeks support from states
–– Search and destroy.

Decision on subpoena for Trump tax returns now in hands of Supreme Court
–– Gotta admire the way Trump kept them hidden all these…yeesh.

Archaeologists unearth 'huge number' of sealed Egyptian sarcophagi
–– Just in time for accursed Halloween.

Olympic high jumper pressured to 'perform better' and lose a few pounds
–– If she hasn’t won Gold Medal: so?

Biden 'most compromised person in the history of American politics': Donald Trump Jr.
–– It takes a third, but still.

Sen. Cornyn: Relationship with Trump Was Like ‘Women Who Get Married and Think They’re Going to Change Their Spouse’
–– ‘So, doggone it, we kept performing the oral and the anal.’

Comedian Rob Riggle’s Wife Tiffany Files for Divorce After 21 Years of Marriage
–– Wants to Riggle out of it.

Photo of victim found on phone of teen accused of beheading teacher near Paris
–– Took head shot.

Family of Moscow-Born Teen Who Beheaded Teacher Were from Chechnya Where Charlie Hebdo Cartoons Are Demonized
–– Where nobody uses, needs head.

ISIS gloat over murder of Paris teacher who showed Mohammed cartoon
–– Glorious victory for worldwide Caliphate!

Murderer Who Wielded Narwhal Tusk to Stop Terrorist Gets Royal Pardon
–– Really whaled on him.

Murder hornet' nest found in Washington believed to be first in the US
–– Willed into existence by fervid news media.

Trump says people 'have to flush their toilet 15 times' in a bizarre campaign rally rant about water restrictions
–– To get their Don Jr.’s to go down.

Eric Trump tried to make Biden look corrupt by sharing a picture of a palatial house he claims the Democrat lives in — but Biden sold it 24 years ago
–– Inadvertently made dad look corrupt by posting picture of face.

Beach Boys’ Brian Wilson Disavows Band’s Performance at Trump Fundraiser With Mike Love
–– Bitch Boys.

‘Irresponsible’ Eric Trump Slammed For High-Fiving, Shaking Hands With Maskless Voters
–– In latest slang for ‘dumb as post.’

Richie Sambora hits back at Jon Bon Jovi: Don't you say I don't have my life together
–– ‘It naturally looks like jimmied suitcase with several kilos sown into lining.’

Leslie Jones says she 'wasn't very free' on 'Saturday Night Live' and doesn't miss the show 'at all'
–– In latest slang for ‘very funny.’

Matthew McConaughey Reveals Dad Died While Having Sex With His Mom
–– In backseat of Lincoln!

Kanye West responds to Issa Rae's 'SNL' joke: 'I'm praying for her'
–– ‘To me. Praise Yeezy!’

Kim Kardashian tells David Letterman she was warned 'Don’t you dare step foot in that White House or your reputation is done'
–– Not the slutty one.

Bruce Willis Stars in Commercial for ‘Die Hard’ Car Batteries
–– Career needs jump start.

Netflix Cancels ‘Away’ After One Season
–– Go Away.

Andy Cohen Reunites with His Dog Wacha Months After Placing Him in New Home: He's 'Happy and Healthy'
–– ‘Upstate on the farm.’

’Lock Them All Up’: Trump’s Whitmer Attack Fits a Damaging Pattern
–– 'Y'know, nasty broads who give me lip instead of head.'

New York Post Published Hunter Biden Report Amid Newsroom Doubts
–– Some reporters actually thought they were working for real newspaper?

Giuliani gave Hunter Biden story to New York Post because 'nobody else would take it' at face value
–– Face that looked like Pennywise.

What Is Biden’s Actual Position on Packing the Court?
–– Will appoint Blue Ribbon and Shipping Tape Commission.

Reagan’s son: We have grifters in the White House
–– Ratcon for Presidential canon.

On Facebook, Misinformation Is More Popular Now Than in 2016
–– Pure Bullshit gets 60 mil Likes.

Man Sentenced to Life Over Theft of Hedge Clippers Is Granted Parole
–– Will turn over new leaf?

Chicago is the 'rattiest city' in America for the sixth year in a row
–– Once bitten, twice Chi.

Dutch king cuts short vacation in Greece after criticism
–– Went Dutch?

Mexican restaurant takes political stand with sign declaring 'No Love, No Tacos'
–– So you have to do what to staff to get served?

Trump suggests he'd leave the country if he loses to Biden
–– Wonderful news except for prosecutors who’ll have to extradite him.

Georgia Republican senator willfully mispronounces Kamala Harris' name at Trump rally
–– Perdue chickenshit.

Software CEO Robert Brockman charged in $2 billion tax evasion case
–– Brockman turner overdrive.

Automatons Keep Gears Turning In D.C. Artist's Brain During The Pandemic
–– Through auditory canals –– ouch!

Trump 'continued to put us in danger' by referencing us, says Rachel Vindman, wife of key impeachment witness
–– No Vindmancation.

Emirates Is Reopening Its Famous Onboard Bar — With COVID-19 Protocols in Place
–– UAEek!

Asian American New Yorkers experienced highest surge in unemployment during pandemic
–– Takeout by coronavirus.

Trump needs a psychiatric test now, COVID-19 can affect the brain
–– Normal brain, that is.

Are The Risks Of Reopening Schools Exaggerated?
–– A) Hyperbole; B) Paradox; C) Irony?

People Have Nothing Left — Literally $0 — Because Of The Pandemic
–– Buzzfeed like literally doing hard research.

As A Housekeeper At Walter Reed, My Experience With COVID-19 Was Nothing Like Trump's
–– You're a hero, thank you for your service, but Duh!

Columbia report: US could have avoided 130,000 COVID deaths with better response
–– Calculating cost of removing Trump from office.

Israel Confronts Revolt as Ultraorthodox Defy Covid-19 Public-Health Rules
–– Jehovah's witless.

Trump attacked Biden by saying his opponent would 'listen to the scientists' in dealing with COVID-19
–– After praising ‘magicians’ who treated him.

Fauci ‘Absolutely Not’ Surprised Trump Got Sick After Flouting Social Distancing Advice
–– Was ‘praying’ it would happen sooner.

Dr. Birx reportedly asked Pence to remove COVID-19 adviser pushing 'junk science'
–– ‘Just pretend he’s your face mask in a crowded room.’

Birx tells friends she was relieved after Trump adviser Scott Atlas' inaccurate mask tweet was removed
–– Exclaimed, ‘At las!’

Man Arrested After Threatening Wichita Mayor Over Face Masks
–– Wichita fouls.

Spencer Davis, '60s rocker behind 'Keep on Running,' dead at 81
–– Gimme some shovelin'.

Slash Records Leader Bob Biggs Dies at 74; Label Brought Los Lobos, X, Violent Femmes to Fame
–– Slash and bury.

Ed Benguiat, a Master of Typography, Is Dead at 92
–– Cold type.

Rhonda Fleming, film star in the 1940s and 1950s, dies at 97
–– Fleming out.