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Spread Alert
Week of 10/09/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

President Trump sittig on the edge of a hosptal bed wearing a short gown pulled up to reveal a pixelated coronavirus between his legs as he spouts crazy comments concerning the disease and then calls for more ‘Dexy-methies!’Trump plans return to campaign trail, awaits 'negative' COVID-19 test
–– Wants to super spread ‘message.’

Taylor Swift endorses Joe Biden
–– Expect song saying he broke heart.

Trump says he doesn't think he's contagious, ready to campaign
–– Not only isn’t scientist, is barely specimen.

Fauci claims steroid treatment Trump was treated with makes people ‘very energetic’
–– In latest slang for ‘high as a giraffe’s ass.’

‘High As A Giraffe's Ass': Trump's Rambling Hannity Call Torched On Twitter
–– Neck’s-level crazy.

Trump says Green New Deal will turn the US into 'Ninth World' country
–– He’s already enacting Plan 9 from Outer Space.

Trump says in bizarre Fox News rant that California has to ration water because it poured its supply into the sea to 'take care of certain little tiny fish'
–– 'Me and the fishies were laughing about it when I took my last hit of Dexamethasone!'

Trump defends downplaying virus by invoking Churchill but gets the history wrong
–– Only thing in common is jowls.

Trump claims he won't participate in virtual debate
–– Prefers bullshit real.

Commission cancels second debate between Trump and Biden
–– Would be redumdant.

Trump suggests he caught COVID-19 because he let Gold Star families get too close
–– So allergic reaction to heroism?

Trump, back at White House, compares COVID to seasonal flu
–– And self to Bubonic Plague.

David Gergen Blasts Trump’s Reckless Behavior, Public Dismissal of Covid: ‘We’re in the Grips of a Madman’
–– In his tiny, clammy hands.

Top White House aide Stephen Miller tests positive for Covid-19
–– Virus said to infect repulsive host ‘reluctantly.’

Stephen Miller's wife who had virus mocks Harris over plexiglass at debate
–– Just giddy husband has it.

Donald Trump Jr. Goes Full 'Super Spreader' At Indoor Campaign Stop
–– Bends over to display 'Kimberly's Cavern'.

Former commander of Guantanamo Bay Navy base sentenced to federal prison
–– Gitmo time.

3-ton shipment of human hair, likely from Chinese prisoners, seized
–– Weave been had.

Pence tells Harris:' You're entitled to your own opinions, but you're not entitled to your own facts'
–– Quoting intellectual Democratic icon who would’ve slapped him silly.

Fly evades coronavirus shields, lands on Pence’s head, steals debate spotlight
–– Yeah, because you know, flies, um, fly.

Debate turns green: Pence refuses to say whether climate change is a threat, while vice-presidential rival Harris evades on Green New Deal
–– As in ‘I wanna puke.’

'Who does Trump owe money to?': Kamala Harris calls out president in VP debate with Mike Pence
–– Who has he met?

What caused Mike Pence’s bloody eye
–– Got overly enthusiastic servicing Trump after COVID diagnosis.

Conservative Activist Grabbed Trump’s Eye on Diversity Training
–– Or maybe activist grabbed Pence's eye, too.

The US debt is now projected to be larger than the US economy
–– Trump: America's Debt-beat Dad.

Ted Cruz warns the election 'could be a bloodbath of Watergate proportions' for GOP
–– And he likes to soak in blood just up to chin.

Trump yard sign rigged with razor blades left town worker needing 13 stitches
–– He ended up in red state.

‘It is slaughter’: Former CDC director who eradicated smallpox urges current head to expose Trump’s missteps with coronavirus
–– 'A pox on them!'

Who the Hell Is Morgan Wallen, the Country Singer Who Got Dropped From 'SNL'?
–– Who the hell are three quarters of so-called 'artists' on Noisey?

Sarah Silverman, Tiffany Haddish, Chris Rock, Other Celebs Get Naked in New Mail-in Voting PSA
–– Um, mind if we don’t click?

The First Thing You Should Do If Your Pet Accidentally Gets Into the Halloween Candy
–– Stuff cat for Witch with Cauldron display in front lawn.

Want to make friends with a cat? Blink slowly, say scientists
–– Prefer to make little shit run away for good?

Birds are crashing into NYC buildings. Record numbers are being rescued.
–– You decide which is good news.

A smarter, more capable Flippy robot knows how to fry 19 things
–– 3) Asses of workers he's stealing jobs from.

Southwest captain forced to lend his shirt to passenger with 'lewd' top
–– Passenger brought own inflatables.

Here's Why You Might See Kanye West as a Vice President Pick on Your Ballot
–– If you’re smoking crack.

Trump claims to have killed ‘bigger names’ than Osama Bin Laden in attack on Obama’s record
–– Certainly has tried to take down Lincoln, Washington.

Poll: Younger voters are pessimistic about the future, down on Trump
–– So not totally clueless.

Mitch McConnell admits White House has engaged in "risky behaviors" during Fox News interview
–– Wouldn’t allow him to wear dental dam.

McConnell says airline aid should be part of COVID aid but future is 'murky'
–– Certainly is with him in charge.

Mitch McConnell Says Trump Admin 'Paying the Price' for Lax COVID Rules
–– On our dime.

Feds charge six men accused in plot to kidnap Michigan governor
–– So-called Whitmer Witless.

Suspects in Michigan plot hid their cellphones in a box to be safe but failed to check one another for wires, FBI says
–– Did conduct monthly tickle wars.

Self-funding QAnon candidate gave own campaign $450,000 after getting PPP loan
–– Rumor has it.

A former Austin Library employee is accused of stealing $1.3M in printer toner
–– His smudgy fingerprints everywhere.

Why sitting Sam Darnold in Week 5 is the right call for Jets' long-term plans
–– To lose at least 14 games.

’Melrose Place' actress Amy Locane speaks out from prison: 'I'm just clinging to hope'
–– ‘And hope’s getting creeped out.’

Rudy Giuliani Coughs Through TV Interview While Awaiting Coronavirus Results Before Announcing He's Negative
–– About everything.

'I will never love another president again': Republican congressman mocked for sycophantic Trump message
–– ‘After this one gave me herpes.’

Eric Trump says his dad 'literally saved Christianity' in a 'full-out war on faith'
–– Physical evidence of Evil Incarnate sent flock back to church.

Anti-Virus Titan John McAfee Arrested in Spain, Indicted For Tax Evasion
–– Mac iffy.

Cameron Crowe Calls Shia LaBeouf’s ‘Fast Times’ Table Read ‘Wild and Brave’
–– Out-of-work actors hamming it up over old movie script for charity must’ve taken guts.

Geneva adopts what's believed to be the highest minimum wage in the world, at $25 an hour
–– Matterhorn of pay scales.

Swiss cheese on cheesesteak? How to lose Pennsylvania
–– Heavens, don’t offend culinary sophisticates who prefer Cheese Whiz.

Marc Maron is inviting us to grieve with him from his front porch
–– Rather inhale can of Cheez Whiz.

There have been multiple sightings of a hairy, venomous caterpillar in Virginia
–– At turkish bath.

Biden news: Call for unity at Gettysburg battlefield elicits angry response from Trump
–– Offended by use of U word.

Megan Rapinoe was like every other proud girlfriend while celebrating Sue Bird's fourth WNBA title with the Seattle Storm
–– But just that much more annoying about it.

Anita Hill’s Survey Finds Less Than Half of Industry Employees Believe Diversity and Inclusion Are Priorities in Hollywood
–– Apparently half as many care about quality of product.

Elon Musk's Tesla and its 'Starman' driver just flew past Mars for the first time, 2 years after SpaceX launched the car into the void
–– Picked up speeding on traffic cam.

‘We need to take away children': Bombshell report alleges former AG Jeff Sessions and Deputy AG Rod Rosenstein were aggressively in favor of separating migrant families at the US-Mexico border
–– ‘And then we need to destroy own careers.’

Scientists find intact brain cells in skull of man killed in Vesuvius eruption nearly 2,000 years ago
–– Hothead from way back.

Judges Tell Trump His Officials Are Serving Illegally. He Does Nothing.
–– Neither do they.

Trump's Fed pick doesn't have the votes
–– Experience, integrity or brains.

Fat Bear Week 2020 crowns its big winner
–– During P-Town Drag Bingo event.

Daniel Cameron rips 'disgusting' Megan Thee Stallion 'SNL' comments
–– Neigh-sayer.

Slack outage: Performance issues are making remote work difficult Monday
–– Workers having to wear shorts.

Islamic State ‘Beatles’ Fighters Being Brought to U.S. to Face Charges
–– But just the George, Ringo.

Japan’s feared ‘yakuza’ gangsters banned from Halloween festivities
–– Who meekly agree to not attend, send ‘Apologies’ bouquet studded with candy corn.

Japanese theme park unveils 'life-size' Godzilla attraction
–– aka 'fantasy-size.'

Thai hotel to drop charges against US man who faced jail over bad reviews
–– Was to appear before star chamber.

Cocaine-filled plane crashes in Mexico after high-speed airborne chase
–– ‘High-speed’ redundant?

An angry elk gored a Colorado man finishing a round of golf over the weekend
–– Elk got hole in one.

Is N.Y.C. ‘Over’? These Brand-New New Yorkers Don’t Think So
–– They’re reason it is.

Humans are evolving an extra artery in the arm
–– Why blood flow to brain diminished?

5 People Who Can Help You Strengthen Your Empathy Muscle
–– Fuck ‘em all.

Eva Mendes Says She'd 'Rather Be at Home' with Ryan Gosling 'Than Anywhere Else in the World'
–– ‘Ravaged by COVID-19.’

Cardi B Apologizes After Promoting Fundraiser for Armenia: 'We Did Not Do Our Research'
–– Had bookmarked Wikipedia page for Amnesia.

Armenia Supporters Block Los Angeles Freeway in Protest Over Azerbaijan Conflict
–– Cardi B doesn’t know whether to honk or plow down.

Century-old genocide looms large for Armenians as Turkey weighs in on Nagorno-Karabakh
–– Ask Cardi B.

Elisabeth Moss to Lead Katie Hill Biopic; Hill’s Staff Is, Uh, Pissed
–– Keep your shirt one. We mean you, Moss. And your pants.

'No more tears left:' How wildfires are ravaging the West Coast cannabis industry
–– Of course, they’re high AF.

Supreme Court rejects appeal from county clerk who wouldn't issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples
–– Baboon would reject her appeal.

Justices Thomas and Alito lash out at the decision that cleared way for same-sex marriage
–– With wet egg noodle, linguini.

'I'll go in a moon suit': GOP senator who tested positive for Covid vows to vote for Trump's SCOTUS pick
–– 'Without helmet to simulate not being able to breathe.'

This company says it can make top-shelf whiskey in just a few days
–– And if you drink enough of this bath tub brew you might believe them.

Nobel Prize in Medicine Awarded to Scientists Who Discovered Hepatitis C Virus
–– Hep Cats.

Cat falls through the roof of a bar in Krasnodar, Russia
–– Ends up in dinner blinis.

Venice holds back the water for first time in 1,200 years
–– Now really needs to whiz.

“Embarrassing”: Netflix's 'Emily in Paris' Blasted by French Critics
–– Sacre blech!

Jim Carrey makes his debut as Joe Biden on the 'SNL' season premiere, but Maya Rudolph steals the show
–– Petty theft.

More than 1,500 alums of Rhodes College sounded off against Amy Coney Barrett's nomination in a letter
–– Hit the Rhodes jerk.

Democrats slam Amy Coney Barrett for not telling senators she signed on to a 2006 letter calling the legacy of Roe v. Wade 'barbaric'
–– She’s Xena of Right-to-Life.

High court nominee served as 'handmaid' in religious group
–– Should be Chief Justice of Gilead.

Gun Control Groups Voice 'Grave Concerns' About Supreme Court Nominee's Record
–– Which have not been laid to rest.

’Girlfight’ at 20: Michelle Rodriguez talks bruising breakout role — and how they originally wanted a white 'girly-girl' actress like Alyssa Milano for the part
–– Would it have made more than $1.7mil?

‘Commando' at 35: Director Mark Lester reveals why an interracial love scene was cut
–– For which, despite title, Schwarzenegger wore boxers.

Nicole Kidman Says Kubrick Gave Her Final Say Over 'Eyes Wide Shut' Nude Scenes
–– Must’ve given janitor say in how rest of film was cut.

’The Flintstones' turns 60: Celebrate 6 fun things about a modern Stone Age family
–– 4) Wilma had thing with Alley Oop before meeting Fred.

Clint Eastwood Planning to Produce, Direct and Star in Adventure ‘Cry Macho’
–– aka Man Tears.

Former MLB player Charles Haeger found dead after police sought him as a suspect in killing of his ex-girlfriend
–– No, you’ve never heard of him, but we needed to gin up story. Thanks for your understanding.

Trump Leaves Hospital in Car to Greet Supporters, Says He's "Learned A Lot" About COVID-19
–– Not that it’s infectious, but that it gets people to say nice things they don’t mean.

New York Times reporter infected with Covid-19 says the White House is not doing contact tracing
–– Unless it’s for contact lens.

White House virus outbreak spreads even as Trump hopes for Monday discharge
–– Bed pan at ready.

Twitter warned it will suspend users who wish for President Trump's death and then received a backlash claiming double standards
–– Live free or wish dead.

Steve Hilton: Trump's recovery from COVID-19 is a 'powerful symbol of America's recovery'
–– Steve Hilton’s descent into madness a ‘powerful symbol of base’s destruction.’

Mitch McConnell: Trump-Biden debates should move forward and might be done remotely
–– Would love to see Biden beat Trump’s sick ass again.

Pelosi says she's not being briefed on Trump's health
–– Misses silly lies WH would tell her.

Panic and confusion permeate White House after Trump's Covid diagnosis
–– Before, during, too.

Trump’s photo op raises new questions about how seriously he takes the virus
–– Sadly virus hasn’t taken him seriously.

President Makes Progress, Not ‘Out of the Woods’: Trump Update
–– Been utterly lost for nearly four years.

Trump mocked for signing apparently blank paper in ‘staged’ photos at Walter Reed
–– Blank sheets is what his aides always give him.

A diabetes drug has been recalled because it contains high levels of cancer-causing agent
–– Sold under brand name Pick-Your-Poison.

Tyga’s nude photos have been a trending topic for two days
–– In case you ever wanted to brag about your topic trending again.

Lindsey Graham hammered by Democrat opponent who tells him to ‘be a man’ and likens him to a cheating child in election debate
–– Like telling castrato to grow a pair.

South Carolina US Senate debate changes format after Lindsey Graham refuses to take Covid-19 test
–– Graham’s had enough foreign objects shoved in mouth, nose.

Utah police say a woman associated with QAnon kidnapped her own son with the help of a friend
–– And was only third craziest thing she'd done that week.

So Everybody’s Putting Chia Seeds in Water, Here’s Why
–– Everybody? Apparently causes hallucinations in those who do.

Nevada dam changes give rare trout new life 115 years later
–– Um, uh, ‘Yay?’

Drew Barrymore says she was 'blacklisted at 12' by Hollywood: 'They just wrote me off as damaged goods'
–– Um, was it drug habit? Insane parents?

The Queen Is Rumored to Drink Four Strong Cocktails Every. Single. Day.
–– Won’t need embalming.

Kate Middleton Wows in a Cinched Blue Dress With the Perfect Nude Pump
–– Her Missionary Position porn-worthy.

Ex-British soldier stuck in Dubai tries to flee by swimming two miles
–– Not exactly Papillon.

Mental Health Is More Important Than Physical Strength, Says Olympic Gold Medallist
–– Sure, he used stroke of genius to beat Phelps in 100m.

Man Records The Country Version Of 'WAP' We Never Knew We Needed
–– Wet Ass Posse?

A student says test proctoring AI flagged her as cheating when she read a question out loud. Others say the software could have more dire consequences.
–– Feels like proctorscopy.

Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively 'deeply and unreservedly sorry' for plantation wedding
–– Flog selves like Simon Legree.

A woman in Australia discovered her headaches were caused by tapeworm larvae in her brain
–– Not Acca Dacca concert she attended 3 years ago.

Busy Damascus cemetery points to higher pandemic death toll in Syria
–– Folks dying to get in says here in Jerry Lewis Joke Book.

White House chief of staff Mark Meadows reportedly hosted a 70-person wedding for his daughter in May, violating COVID-19 rules
–– Bride didn't wear N95 veil?

At least 8,000 mink dead in Utah after contracting Covid-19
–– That’s a wrap!

An explosive new documentary details how Jared Kushner's coronavirus task force consisted mainly of 20-something volunteers buying PPE with personal email accounts
–– His idea of internal medicine.

‘GLOW’ Season 4 Canceled Due to COVID-19 Pandemic
–– Silver lining glows in dark.

Olympian Kerri Walsh Jennings apologizes for Instagram post saying she bravely went shopping with no mask
–– Took bronze balls.

How out-of-work strippers made their show virtual and are 'taking the power back'
–– With Bitcoins in G-strings?

Trump campaign adviser says rally protocols won't change after President's coronavirus diagnosis
–– Don’t fix it if it ain’t broke 210,000 lives?

Trump told Woodward in March he didn't have 'a lot of time' to meet with Fauci in newly released audio
–– Was rewatching taped 2019 NCAA tournament.

Theater Owners Chief Blames ‘No Time to Die’ Delay on Gov. Cuomo
–– But isn’t it?

Senator, correcting himself, says he does not have COVID-19
–– Scott free?

Democrats shield candidate from Lindsey Graham with plexiglass wall in election debate
–– To protect against cooties.

Eddie Van Halen, Rock Legend and Guitar Hero, Dies at 65
–– Runnin' with the Devil?

Whitey Ford, Beloved Yankees Pitcher Who Confounded Batters, Dies at 91
–– Leftie behind.

Johnny Nash: I Can See Clearly Now singer dies aged 80
–– The Great Beyond, that is.

Lyon Gardiner Tyler Jr., Grandson of the 10th President, Dies at 95
–– Drippy adieu and Tyler, too.

Murray Schisgal, 'Luv' Playwright and Oscar-Nominated 'Tootsie' Screenwriter, Dies at 93
–– Toot, toot, Tootsie, good-bye!