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Douche Ex Machina
Week of 10/02/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

God as depicted by Renaissance artist Ludivico Mazzolino looking down from the clouds hurls the coronavirus towards Tump and his Republican circle as he says, ‘Basta!’Trump taken to Walter Reed medical center and will be hospitalized 'for the next few days'
–– Schadenfreudian slap.

Here's what happens if Trump gets too sick to govern
–– He already was.

President Donald Trump tweets he and first lady Melania Trump test positive for Covid-19
–– First test in English they both aced.

Trump is reportedly experiencing 'cold-like symptoms' and has appeared 'lethargic'
–– In official White House understatement.

The President and first lady tested positive for Covid-19. Here's what CDC guidelines say should happen next
–– So you can ignore them, too.

Trump has been administered experimental treatment as a "precautionary measure"
–– Deal as Hydroxychloroquine spokesman in doubt.

Hydroxychloroquine Doctor is Furious Donald Trump Took 'Experimental Antibody Stupidness'
–– But he must’ve been administered 'EAS' years ago.

Trump flew to New Jersey for a fundraiser, reportedly after learning Hope Hicks had COVID-19 symptoms
–– Wanted to spread joy.

Chris Wallace Blasts Dr. Scott Atlas's Prediction Of Swift Trump COVID-19 Recovery
–– Wishful stinking.

Trump campaign did not alert Biden campaign of possible exposure
–– Didn’t breathe words?

News of Trump's illness another blow to U.S. prestige on the global stage, say experts
–– U.S. prestige is like, ‘I can’t even get it up anymore.’

‘We continue to pray': Joe Biden offers thoughts, prayers to President Trump for speedy recovery after coronavirus test
–– Us too, but ‘speedy recovery’ not included.

Joe Biden has tested negative for coronavirus after debate with Trump
–– The pussy!

Dr. Fauci Just Said the 4 Words You've Been Waiting to Hear
–– Thought Trump said he ‘tested positive for COVID-19.'

Before he caught COVID-19, Trump was protected by testing his inner circle and inspecting every room he's about to enter. But no system is perfect.
–– That’s been designed by this White House.

Meadows confirms the White House knew Hicks was positive before POTUS traveled
–– Weakly gave thumbs up saying, ‘Slay ’em…cough cough… Mr. President. You…cough cough…kill’

QAnon Believers Think Trump Got COVID On Purpose Because of Course They Do
–– Don’t believe Hope Hicks was drugged by Dems, infected during sex with underaged male hooker, forced to spit in Trump’s chicken bucket?

Trump joked while people suffered with Covid. Well, is now the time to stop?
–– No, no, no! Now you joke about his suffering.

Dollar, yen gain as Trump's positive COVID test sparks haven buying
–– Haven or Hell?

Trump kept a busy schedule during the pandemic. Putin stayed in a bubble
–– One is evil genius, other evil moron.

Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny says he believes Putin was behind his poisoning
–– Complains about toxic culture.

Rick Moranis randomly punched in the head by a man in NYC
–– Honey, I clunked the kid.

Fox News paid Kimberly Guilfoyle’s assistant $4M after sexual misconduct claims: report
–– Best is not to come?

Kushner Biz Won $850 Million In U.S.-Backed Loans At Special Terms: Report
–– From Coinkydink Files.

Borat 2 trailer reveals Sacha Baron Cohen was the Trump impersonator who interrupted Mike Pence's CPAC speech
–– Cohen bothers movie.

Tucker Carlson says Biden did not seem senile at debate and it was a mistake to focus on his mental state
–– Carlson frequently seems psychotic on show, mental state should be sole focus.

Stanley McChrystal, U.S. Army General Fired After Mocking Biden, Endorses Biden
–– McChrystal clear.

The White House is upping its offer to Democrats to pass a new stimulus bill including $1,200 direct payments, report says
–– Checks to come with Trump 2020 sticker attached.

‘They say I'm complicit': Former friend of Melania Trump releases profanity-laced audio of discussions about her legacy
–– ‘F*** these. I mean, how many times I compliment anyone?’

‘Give me a f---ing break': Melania Trump lashed out at critics of her visit to the US-Mexico border, according to audio obtained by her former adviser
–– ‘I mean I really need f•••ing spa vacation. Like three months!’

Audio leaked of Melania Trump complaining about decorating WH: 'Who gives a f*** about Christmas stuff?'
–– “Who? These f***ing Whos in Whoville?

Five Republican congressmen vote against bill committing to peaceful transfer of power after election
–– Deem ‘peaceful’ synonymous with Marxist.

Mark Cuban calls President Donald Trump an 'idiot,' says Trump encouraged him to run for president
–– As proof.

Mark Cuban Saw a Viral Photo of an Ex-Employee Begging For Money. What He Did Next is a Remarkable Story of Empathy (and Leadership)
–– And self-congratulation.

Ethiopia region arrests 503 on feared violence at weekend festival
–– By Minority Report squad.

TV Ratings: NBA Finals Opens With Record Low Audience
–– Net loss.

Making guitars saved a man from opioid addiction. Now others are getting the same help
–– No longer strung out?

Alki David Sued for Sexual Battery by Ex-Employee
–– Is he alchy?

’Spider-Man 3' Jolt: Jamie Foxx Returning as Electro
–– Villain even Vulture’s(!) worst.

Burger King thinks it deserves a Michelin star
–– Deserves Michelin tire, lit.

Jazz Jennings says it's 'both disappointing and honorable' that her autobiography is on list of 100 most banned books
–– Translation?

Keith Morrison Opens Up About His ‘Remarkable’ Stepson Matthew Perry: ‘We Love Having Him Around’
–– ‘Especially at cocktail hour.’

Diane Lane Said Jon Bon Jovi's Tour Luggage Included "an Ocean of Jockstraps"
–– In Sea of Dicks.

Usher Welcomes Baby Girl With Girlfriend Jenn Goicoechea: Find Out Her Name
–– We’re still working on girlfriend’s.

Artists slam decision to postpone exhibition of Philip Guston's KKK paintings
–– By Kancel Kulture Klan.

Disinfecting the Texas water supply from a brain-eating amoeba could take months, officials say
–– Luckily few brains in area, so low threat.

Prince Charles Teared Up When Prince William Talked About Succeeding Him
–– The Queen laughed at his tears.

Sea cucumbers are so valuable that people are risking their lives diving for them
–– aka the Mermaid’s Dildo.

Massive spider web seen in Missouri photo has some asking: Could it ‘catch’ humans?
–– Human flies asking.

17-foot, 2-inch shark caught off Nova Scotia is a 3,541-pound ‘Queen of the Ocean’
–– Was in full drag.

Teenager spotted taking his 12-foot python 'for a walk'
–– Was snake ‘leash’ on bulldog?

5,000 Pets Found Dead Inside Delivery Boxes in China
–– Ordered by underfed pythons.

Huge Spider Filmed Dragging Frog To Its Death In Man's Bathroom
–– Caught on webcam.

‘Thieving’ cat Pixel's glove and toy hoard
–– You tell us.

Sinéad O'Connor Drops Mahalia Jackson Cover in Honor of BLM
–– LP doesn’t shatter.

Thirst Traps Explode on NFT Platforms, With Predictably Controversial Results
–– Hotties let loose on general population!

What is tonal dressing? The fashion trend that’s all over Instagram
–– Tonal def?

Europe key to Middle East peace process after Abraham Accord, Pompeo says
–– Abe linkin’.

Israel, Lebanon Agree to U.S.-Mediated Talks to resolve Maritime Dispute
–– But buoy border markers keep floating away.

Report: Jordan deported Sbarro terrorist mastermind's husband to force her out
–– Ordered takeaway.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Elizabeth Warren drop out of The New Yorker Festival in solidarity with magazine's union
–– Left-leaving.

Republicans Protect Saudi Arabia On Anniversary Of Jamal Khashoggi's Murder
–– Bake cake topped with candle chopped into little pieces.

Trump-Biden ‘cage fight’ stokes global perception of a country in decline, mired in chaos
–– Or ‘gives accurate picture.’

G.O.P. Alarmed by Trump’s Comments on Extremist Group, Fearing a Drag on the Party
–– And they hate all gay entertainment.

Trump says he doesn't know right-wing group he name-checked at debate
–– He’s supposed to remember something from 15 hours ago?!!

Cohen on Proud Boys: In Trump's mind, this is his army
–– And he’s their Robt. E. Lee.

Proud Boys try to assimilate into Florida GOP as Trump denies knowing extremist group
–– Hone meth-cooking skills.

Emmy-nominated sports reporter is fired for calling Tim Scott an 'Uncle Tom' after the senator claimed Trump 'misspoke' about the Proud Boys during the first presidential debate
–– With Scott’s sucking up should change epithet to ‘Uncle Tim.’

Presidential debate organizers promise format changes after Tuesday night chaos
–– But will Trump wear Hannibal Lecter restraint?

Hillary Clinton Responds to Joe Biden Telling Donald Trump to ‘Shut Up’ During Presidential Debate
–– Closes eyes, becomes flush, groans sensually.

Yale psychiatrist: Debate should never have happened due to Trump’s “mental health”
–– Ditto presidency.

That Portland Sheriff Trump Said Supports Him Doesn't Exist
–– Oh, yeah? Well that Portland Sheriff happened to give Trump spokesperson John Barron a Get Out of Jail For Life card and will be named Attorney General in a second Administration. Just ask people.

Donald Trump Jr. Speaks Rapidly Before Debate; Twitter Wants to Know If He’s on Coke
–– Coke laced with meth chased by speedball.

Biden uses 'inshallah' in response to Trump during debate, lighting up Twitter
–– For those who lead Inshallah existences.

How a crease in Biden's shirt spawned a debate conspiracy theory
–– Crease in pants spawned porn theory.

Levin hammers Biden over 'bigoted, racist' past, asks ex-VP: 'Are you still a White supremacist?'
–– Levin: la vida loca.

Kyle Rittenhouse’s legal team say they will sue Joe Biden over ‘white supremacist’ ad
–– In rapid-fire round.

Trump condemns 'all White supremacists' after refusing to do so at presidential debate
–– While tooting dog whistle.

Trump condemns white supremacist groups 48 hours after debate
–– And is struck by Caucasian God with coronavirus!

Billie Eilish on undressing in new video: ‘You’ve never seen my body’ before
–– Sadly heard naked voice too often.

Billie Eilish Releases Music Video for Bond Theme "No Time to Die"
–– She has 3:59.

For Bartees Strange, Everything Is Everything
–– And for Bartees normal?

Charlamagne tha God Claims Kanye Signed Big Sean to a ‘Terrible Contract’ and Owes Him $3 Million
–– Wait, so now he’s ‘hypocritical’, Trump-loving, delusional, narcissistic nut job?

Heiress Faces Sentencing in NXIVM Sex Slave Case
–– Will she see heiress of her ways?

China’s President Xi says Xinjiang policies 'completely correct' amid growing international criticism
–– Mao says ‘Might makes right.’

Parrots in wildlife park moved after swearing at visitors
–– Got all emotional.

If Barrett joins, Supreme Court would have six Catholics
–– Light candle for Roe v. Wade.

Amy Coney Barrett's Supreme Court Confirmation Will Move Forward, McConnell Says
–– Barrett’s of wimp hole screed.

Trump's Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett was diagnosed with coronavirus this summer
–– In only sign of progressiveness.

Amid rush to confirm Barrett to court, two key Republican senators test positive for COVID-19
–– Ruling coming down from heavenly Supreme Court.

Kayleigh McEnany Apologizes After Falsely Claiming Amy Coney Barrett Was a Rhodes Scholar: ‘My Bad’
–– Rhodes kill.

Kayleigh McEnany Can't Name River Where Trump Said Votes Were Dumped
–– ‘Um, Joan Rivers?’

Sen. Ted Cruz: We are one vote away from losing our fundamental liberties
–– ‘And I intend to cast it!’

Despite Billions in Fees, Banks Predict Meager Profits on P.P.P. Loans
–– Worth piss.

A teacher with terminal cancer wanted to repaint his house for his wife. A dozen people came to help
–– Brush with death.

Biden camp clapback: Trump’s best debate case ‘made in urine’
–– Political whiz.

Trump Administration Likely Exceeded Legal Authority With TikTok Ban, Judge Rules
–– Only time he deserved authority.

Famed California winery destroyed as fast-moving fires take over wine country
–– Oak barrels' smoky flavor genuine.

Elon Musk says Tesla will 'probably' make 20 million electric vehicles a year by 2030 — more than 50 times what it produced last year
–– Can he just tattoo quotes marks around mouth?

‘Star Wars' star John Boyega, other Hollywood stars know diversity needs to be more than a ticked box
–– Everyone else is ticked.

I Have to Say, Robert Pattinson's Role as Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter Is Highly Underrated
–– And completely forgotten.

Prince Harry says he's had an 'awakening' on racism, in a world 'created by White people for White people'
–– Megs up his mind.

Trump’s Massive Hairstyling Bill Revealed In NYT Bombshell Tax Report
–– Fertilizer bill alone huge.

Trump Promises Black Voters A 'Platinum Plan' For Loans As He Bashes Biden
–– And gold Cadillac if they vote for him twice.

Frenchman says tattoos cost him kindergarten teaching job
–– Mais, pour quoi?

Gwyneth Paltrow celebrates 48th birthday by posing in her 'birthday suit' — and daughter Apple's reaction is priceless
–– Shaken to core.

Trump’s 2016 Campaign Listed Millions of Black Voters It Wanted to Stop From Voting, Leak Reveals
–– Wanted Black listed?

Brad Parscale’s Wife Showed Bruises on Arms to Police During Three-Hour Standoff at Ex-Trump Chief’s House
–– Par for Parscale.

Ex-Trump campaign manager Brad Parscale hospitalized; was armed and threatening himself in Fort Lauderdale home
–– Lost marbles, held ground.

Former Trump campaign manager Brad Parscale hospitalized following reported suicide attempt
–– Was originally planned as murder/suicide with democracy.

Wife of Brad Parscale said he made suicidal comments 'throughout the week' before hospitalization, police report says
–– Then his client went out on debate stage, committed act.

Police are looking for the suspect in a homicide at a popular haunted house
–– Ghost there often?

Romanian village re-elects dead mayor, saying he deserved to win
–– Transylvanian transplant Count Alucard.

Charles Barkley on defunding the police: ‘Who are Black people supposed to call? Ghostbusters?’
–– If ectoplasm pulls gun.

A kitten that looks like Baby Yoda was rescued from a California wildfire
–– If Baby Yoda was skinny, mangy kitten that looked nothing like Baby Yoda.

‘Ghost’ frog not seen for 80 years rediscovered in desert hot spring
–– Scientist needed mirage counseling.

Joe Montana, Wife Block Attempted Kidnapping of Grandchild
–– Didn't let her go long.

Killings by police, like the Breonna Taylor case, rarely end in trials or convictions
–– Cops are allowed to shoot back?

Progressive activists are wary over criminal justice under a Biden-Harris administration
–– Yeah, much prefer to stick with Al Capone.

89-year-old pizza delivery driver gets $12,000 tip surprise from 'TikTok Family'
–– Drops dead from heart attack.

Tennis Players at French Open Startled by Sonic Boom as Fighter Jet Breaks Sound Barrier
–– Not grateful for any crowd noise?

You're guessing': America's Jack Sock fires up at chair umpire in French Open loss to Dominic Thiem
–– That darned Sock!

Nancy Pelosi says she's willing to pass stand-alone airlines aid bill
–– If flights were sit-alone.

Kelly Ripa's Quarantine Routine Has Husband Mark Consuelos Saying She Looks 'So Healthy'
–– ‘Still sounds crazy, but y’know…’

Woman tased after refusing to wear a mask at football game
–– Face mask penalty called.

Mac Davis, Elvis songwriter and country star, dead at 78
–– Mac deady.

‘I am woman' singer Helen Reddy has died
–– Reddy whipped.

Original Mouseketeer Bonni Lou Kern dies at 79: 'You will be missed by all'
–– Ears to you.

Businessman Zef Eisenberg dies while trying to break British land speed record
–– Didn't play it Zef.

Kuwait monarch Sheikh Sabah Al-Sabah dies at 91
–– Kuwait is over.