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King of Pain
Week of 09/25/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Donald Trump placing a paper crown on his head that read Bugger King.President Trump doesn’t commit to leaving office peacefully if he loses
–– Digging El Chapo-style tunnels beneath WH in case.

'Tiger King’ Snubbed at Emmys
–– Pussy whiffed.

McConnell says Trump will leave office peacefully if he loses election
––– You know you can trust his word.

White House Doubles Down on Donald Trump’s Vow to Stay in Power No Matter What
–– Extending lease with option to buy.

‘Everyone sees the train wreck coming’: Trump reveals his November endgame
–– Like two speeding trains on same track about to collide with wreck you’re already trapped in.

Ignore the strongman fantasies. If Trump loses the election, he'll lose his job. Period.
–– Says other Commander-in-Chief with army at disposal?

Trump Calls Bloomberg ‘Criminal’ for Helping Florida Felons Vote
–– Guilty of making Mister meaner.

Trump mocks Biden for covering up alleged plastic surgery with mask
–– Like his combover covers botched ape brain transplant.

Binyamin Netanyahu corruption charges: Israeli leader’s whites washed at the White House
–– Now Trump’s doing his laundry?

Trump has 'not been such an honest broker' on Palestinian statehood, Saudi prince says
–– Wait, wait, did you say hon…hahaha…honest? Stop, you’re killing us!

State Department revoked award for journalist over social media posts critical of Trump and lied about it, watchdog finds
–– It's lying part seems so out of character.

Two men arrested after allegedly planning 'Netflix worthy' terrorist attack on US in support of ISIS
–– Poorly plotted, cheaply produced?

How the Advertising Industry Makes Fossil Fuels Sexy
–– Flavored high-test lubricants?

Hairless, Eyeless Cat Named Jasper Attracts Fans with Striking Appearance: 'He's a Happy Cat'
–– Doesn’t have to look at self.

These Small Mammals Snort To a Different Tune
–– By J.J. Cale.

Majority of Pet Owners Admit to Canceling Plans to Hang with Dog Instead, Survey Finds
–– Ain’t nothin’ but a hangdog.

Lake Conroe among Texas’ crappie hot spots
–– May be crappiest.

Saturn’s chaotic moon may be a lot younger than we thought
–– Certainly acts that way.

Black Hole From Iconic Image Appears to Be Wobbling
–– Or Dr. Heilman manning telescope had another rough night.

This Is How Much Radiation You'd Be Exposed to If You Visited the Moon
–– From Lunar Travel on $25 a Day.

“I Don't Know If Dance Itself Can Make Change, But I Know We Can Make Change"
–– Carrying coin purse on stage?

Delay of Philip Guston Retrospective Divides the Art World
–– Between gutted and gutless.

David Attenborough joined Instagram. Four hours later he had 1 million followers
–– Also how long it took him to figure out how to post first photo.

Heroic Dad Gets Fired from 2 Jobs After Shielding His Kids in Bronx Car Dealership Shooting
–– Can’t find work as human shield?

If You Do This for 2 Minutes Every 2 Hours, Scientists Say You'll Be Much Smarter (and Remember a Lot More)
–– How long?

Tandem Breastfeeding Pro Bekah Martinez Claps Back at 'Ignorant' Critics
–– Slaps with both boobs.

“I Think…She Would Seriously Consider Running for President”: Inside Meghan Markle’s Political Ambitions
–– And move to South America if she won.

Christina Anstead Felt "Lonely and Unhappy" in Marriage To Ant Anstead for Over a Year, Source Says
–– And anti-Ant aunt?

’Flip or Flop’ star Christina Anstead splits with husband of less than 2 years
–– So Flop?

Brooke Shields' Butt And Legs Look So Freakin' Toned In A New Swimsuit Photoshoot
–– Pretty booty.

Unlicensed caregiver of incapacitated 89-year-old man arrested for theft of thousands of dollars
–– Real A-hole of Mercy.

NY transit workers created an underground 'man cave' in Grand Central to 'get drunk and party,' MTA says
–– That's source of urine stench?

Sydney cement renderer jailed in Egypt jail for liking a Facebook post
–– What kind of job is drawing cement?

Meaningless, misleading talk is invading sports broadcasts
–– Meaningless, misleading talk is sports broadcasts.

The big-hipped and chunky-thighed live longer than the pot-bellied
–– Unless fire exit’s too narrow.

Man has kept Richard Nixon’s half-eaten sandwich for 60 years
–– In jar with Spiro Agnew loogie.

The One McDonald's Order from the 1990s You Know You Miss
–– With fries that still look exactly the same.

Are Kanye West’s Ideas About the Music Industry Really That Unthinkable? Label Execs Weigh in
–– Not for abnormal brain.

Ron Paul Hospitalized After Medical Episode on Livestream
–– How could you tell he was having stroke while blabbing?

The strange case of the man who died after eating too much licorice
–– With disgusting blackened teeth.

Female driver is given a parking fine despite a grovelling note
–– On street, perhaps should have been gravelling.

What it means to be hafu in Japan
–– You’re still hungry.

Teenager stages Arctic school strike for the climate
–– Even penguins are like: ‘That’s nice.’

Prince Charles calls for 'Marshall-like plan' to combat climate crisis
–– ‘Like that black bloke who played a kind of vampire prince. Wot.’

Giant robot comes to life in Japan
–– It’s Gun-dam amazin’.

First candidate for an extragalactic planet identified
–– Marianne Williamson.

Police seize 345,000 used condoms that were cleaned and sold as new
–– While in use!

Trump booed as he pays respects to Ginsburg at court
–– Ruth the day.

Amid the Outpouring for Ginsburg, a Hint of Backlash
–– White? Old? Jewish? Really?

Trump vows to appoint a woman to Supreme Court as vacancy re-energizes his political prospects
–– His nominees will need to prove they’re humanoid.

Who Is Amy Coney Barrett, Front-Runner For The Supreme Court Nomination?
–– Oh, oh, we know this! A right-wing religious nut not qualified for food court.

Biden punts on expanding Supreme Court as GOP plows ahead to replace Ginsburg
–– Like Charley Brown with Trump Lucy holding.

'Fill that seat': Trump's weaponizing of the courts will be his lasting legacy
–– History will say ‘that massive ass could really fill a seat.’

Lindsey Graham Backpedals After Saying ‘Use My Words Against Me’ on Supreme Court Vacancies
–– Pantless on his clown unicycle without seat.

Cuomo: Why are you surprised Graham would eat his words?
–– Doesn’t he look like coprophage?

Australia asks Google to remove images from top of sacred site Uluru
–– Indignitous peoples.

Want to live in a free one-bedroom apartment in Florida? There’s a catch, cops say
–– You’re ‘human futon’ for Florida Man.

Reptile dubbed 'Jaws of Death' terrorized Cretaceous seas
–– Local authorities denied existence so as not to hurt tourism.

Pigs are as smart as dogs. Why do we eat one and love the other?
–– Ever taste pooch?

‘Monster' 10-Foot Carpet Python Found Lurking Under Bin on Woman's Porch
–– Must’ve been one big-ass bin.

Mary Trump sues President and his siblings for fraud, calling it the family 'way of life'
–– Like suing them for breathing.

Man found guilty of putting his semen into co-worker’s water bottle
–– Not her Vulvic!

The New York town of Swastika votes to keep its name
–– Their Reich to choose.

These Georgia Strippers Want You to 'Take Yo Booty' to the Polls
–– Poll dancers?

Vivica A. Fox Doesn't Have Coronavirus After All
–– What to do with hoot we never gave?

Teddi Mellencamp confirms 'RHOBH' exit amid backlash: 'You heard it here last'
–– Won’t join cougar?

Women in President Donald Trump’s White House earn 69 cents for every $1 paid to male staffers
–– 'Cause it sounds dirty.

China 'coercing' thousands of Tibetans into mass labour camps - report
–– Tibet: your life.

China says it won't approve TikTok sale, calls it 'extortion'
–– Nah, it’s just ‘coercion.’

Move over Jack Ma. China's new richest man is a bottled water billionaire
–– Yo! Yo, Ma!

Air Force Two with Mike Pence on Board Forced to Land Minutes After Take Off After Possible Bird Strike
–– Flock with tiny picket signs causes delay.

Congressional candidate's apparent ascent to Congress could be a 'bellwether' for QAnon
–– What dumb conspiracy cow wears around neck.

QAnon believers think there's a vast cabal snatching up children in kidnappings, but almost every child reported missing turns out to be a runaway
–– Lured from home by Hillary Clinton!

‘Cake Boss' Buddy Valastro's hand impaled during 'terrible accident' at home bowling alley
–– In spare time.

New Book Chronicles Kobe Bryant’s Early-Career Cruelty. Here’s Why It’s Important to Talk About
–– The importance of being…er, nasty.

California Governor Gavin Newsom Bans Sale Of Gas-Powered Cars In State By 2035, Issues Executive Order To “Radically Change” Energy Consumption In State
–– Will run on burning wood.

PMC to Operate Billboard, Hollywood Reporter and Vibe in Joint Venture With MRC
–– Because who wants Variety?

‘She Bangs’ at 20: ‘American Idol’ Alum William Hung Remembers the Ricky Martin Song That Made Him Famous
–– Pretty much sums up millennium.

Wells Fargo CEO apologizes for saying the Black talent pool is limited
–– Not enough white-collar criminals?

Washington Post: Mueller prosecutor says special counsel 'could have done more' in new book
–– Proof: Trump’s still there.

Why this year will be the first time Mike Tyson will vote
–– Ballot boxes.

Jodie Turner-Smith Worried About Passing On Generational Trauma While Breastfeeding
–– Elicits titters.

Beloved Calif. Doctor Was Murdered in Front of Son on Wilderness Trip: 'Incredible Person'
–– The killer?

Federal government executes inmate who blamed murder victim for using witchcraft on him
–– Spells disaster.

Kelly Clarkson 'definitely didn't see anything coming that came'
–– Wore blindfold during sex.

Some Louisville federal buildings close and police operate under a state of emergency ahead of expected Breonna Taylor announcement
–– Will reopen if cops face firing squad for botched raid.

Kentucky Attorney General Warns to Not Let "Celebrities, Influencers and Activists" in Wake of Breonna Taylor Decision "Capture Our Emotions"
–– But who else is there?

Ava DuVernay Declares "Justice Will Come" Following Breonna Taylor Decision
–– If it keeps getting jerked off?

Charles Barkley, Shaquille O'Neal: Don't 'lump' killing of Breonna Taylor with George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery
–– Stop making sense!

Breonna Taylor protesters threaten to 'knock out' diners at Florida restaurant
–– With their dazzling cabaret act.

Louisville police major relieved of command after reportedly insulting protesters in email to other officers
–– Honesty not the best police, see?

New Yorkers take to social media to mock the Justice Department's anarchy jurisdiction label
–– Worst thrash band name ever.

Tiffany Haddish Joins Nicolas Cage in 'The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent'
–– Will be unbearable wait for any talent.

TV Ratings: Emmys Hit All-Time Low for Second Straight Year
–– Didn’t clock in for Watchmen?

‘Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance' Canceled at Netflix
–– Too many resisted.

Slow-moving Tropical Storm Beta expected to make landfall in Texas
–– Like Beto, all-wet.

These 63 Bed Bath & Beyond stores are set to close by the end of 2020
–– It’s shower curtains.

The incredible tale of a man who formed an unlikely bond with an octopus
–– Octopussy available on Pornhub.

Turmeric May Ease Knee Arthritis
–– So eat chicken curry in your lap.

HR McMaster was 'surprised and disappointed' at Trump claim Putin didn't interfere in election
–– Was he under General anesthesia?

Associates of Putin critic Alexei Navalny say he was poisoned at Siberian hotel
–– Best Wastin’.

Navalny says nerve agent was found 'in and on' his body
–– Novichok-full.

Jets coach Adam Gase rants after 0-2 start: 'That s--- is no fun, going out there and getting your a-- beat'
–– Nut Gase.

Princess Diana Said the Only Thing Prince Charles Learned About Love from His Parents Was 'Shaking Hands'
–– Naked, but still.

Selena Gomez Demands Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg and Sheryl Sandberg Shut Down 'Hate Speech' Groups
–– More interested in what Gomez Addams has to say.

Trump Calls It A 'Beautiful Thing' That Cops Struck Journalist Ali Velshi With Rubber Bullet
–– 'Te ammo.'

Bad Bunny performs surprise concert on top of truck driving through NYC
–– Would’ve loved to see it hit 70mph.

Bill Clinton: 'Superficially hypocritical' for Trump and Republicans to push to fill Supreme Court vacancy
–– Not ‘thorough-goingly?’

2 Men Working to Map World War II Bombs Are Killed by One
–– Mapquashed.

Woman Suspected of Sending Ricin to Trump Is Arrested
–– Ricin ruiny.

Canadian Woman Allegedly Called Trump ‘Ugly Tyrant Clown’ in Ricin-Laced Letter
–– Using proper form of address.

Ilhan Omar Is Not Here to Put You at Ease
–– Or make sense.

Egyptian tomb in Saqqara necropolis found to contain huge cache of sealed sarcophagi
–– Tomb it may concern.

Drew Barrymore debuts talk show with Cameron Diaz hologram
–– Which is still more substantial than host.

Humpback whale swims free from crocodile-infested river
–– In Australia’s East Alligator River. Honest.

Nikola founder Trevor Milton steps down as chairman in battle with short seller
–– Guy’s maybe 5’.

Quibi Explores Strategic Options, Including Sale
–– Would have to be short sale.

Jeffrey Katzenberg Sells $125 Million Beverly Hills Mansion to WhatsApp Co-Founder
–– Whatsap?

Miami-Dade police captain and father of NFL player killed in car crash
–– Very sad, but isn't that ‘who’s’?

Detroit Tigers manager Ron Gardenhire retires due to health concerns
–– Will return to plant nursery?

Mexican archaeologists identify the first Mayan slave ship to have ever been discovered
–– By Mayan sweeper?

Trump Can't Recall Boasting He Has 'World's Best Memory' In Awkward Deposition Video
–– For jive and forget.

Huntsman spider charges towards a man as he sits on the toilet 
–– On back of horsefly.

Woman falls out of car window and onto highway while filming Snapchat video
–– Not interested unless she recorded own splattered brains.

When these parents couldn't find children's books with strong Black characters, they created a pop-up store to sell them
–– Never heard of amazon.com?

Sir Van Morrison donates profits from lockdown protest songs to charity
–– Van the Man, He’s Lost It.

Saudi Arabis to Resume Religious Tourism in Bid to Revive Economy
–– And keep Paradise populated.

Why our minds can't make sense of COVID-19's enormous death toll
–– U.S. school system is pretty awful.

Trump Is Considering Overruling FDA Rules to Push Out a COVID Vaccine
–– And dubbing it Trumpcine.

Trump has lost patience with CDC head after series of mixed messages
–– Own head full of pure shit.

Covid-19 Testing Is Hampered by Shortages of Critical Ingredient
–– Well, gee, it’s only been 6 months.

FDA pledges Covid-19 vaccine will be guided by science
–– Like teenage usher with flashlight in darkened theater suggesting seat.

In a Covid-19 world, what's next for deluxe, all-you-can-eat buffets?
–– Convenient vomitoria.

More cats than dogs were abandoned during the coronavirus lockdown
–– Their selfless love not repaid?

Some see irony in virus' impact on Mayflower commemoration
–– Plymouth rot.

Delta has now banned some 350 passengers for refusing to wear masks during flights — and it's adding 100 people a month to its no-fly list
–– Being spared food not incentive enough?

Dr. Atlas defends Trump on mask-wearing
–– Snarls Atlas.

Florida bar owner is banning customers from wearing masks and asking them to leave if they do
–– Pandemic Special: Corona with ambulance chaser.

French Filmmaker Kicked Out of San Sebastian Festival for Refusing to Wear a Face Mask
–– Tête offensive.

Cops Arrest Man Who Allegedly Beat Gas Station Worker For Social Distancing Request
–– Was pipe unleaded?

A new Canadian Covid-19 gargle test 'one of the first of its kind' in the world, doctor says
–– And it’s minty fresh!

Sir Harold Evans: Crusading editor who exposed Thalidomide impact dies aged 92
–– For Evans sake.

Gale Sayers, Bears Legend and Pro Football Hall of Famer, Dies at Age 77
–– Bear’s down.

Tommy DeVito, a founding member of The Four Seasons, dies from Covid-19 complications
–– Fall.

Michael Lonsdale, ‘Day of the Jackal’ Star & James Bond Villain Hugo Drax, Dies at 89
–– Knock down, Drax out.

Robert Gore, inventor of waterproof outerwear Gore-Tex, dies at 83
–– Save your tears.

Former PepsiCo CEO Donald Kendall has died
–– Gone flat.