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Bye Bye Ruth
Week of 09/18/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Senate Majority Leader McConnell gleeful dances on the grave of recently-deceased Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg after laying down a ‘Merrick Garland’.McConnell vows Trump's nominee to replace Ginsburg will get Senate vote, setting up historic fight
–– Oath of orifice.

Trump: I'm the best thing to happen to Puerto Rico
–– Since 1912 Bubonic Plague.

Trump reacts to Ginsburg's death: 'An amazing woman who led an amazing life'
–– ‘Now excuse me while I go shit on her legacy.’

Ginsburg said she didn't want to be replaced on Supreme Court "until a new president is installed"
–– Or current president interred.

Obama calls on Senate not to fill Ginsburg's vacancy until after election
–– Like they took him on his Merrick?

“I can’t do it any more, I can’t watch me’: Trump says he is bored of seeing himself
–– Finally, common ground!

Will Democrats Accept Election Results if They Think Trump Cheated to Win?
–– If?

Trump says Kamala Harris can't be the first woman to be president because she 'comes in through the back door'
–– With the help?

Biden’s Case to Latino Voters Comes Late. Will They Listen.
–– They need bilingual explanation of why they shouldn’t vote for hater who thinks they’re murderers, rapists?

Ivanka Trump accused of violating federal ethics law with bean brand endorsement
–– But she's not married to Goya.

Massachusetts man puts up electric fence around Trump lawn sign after string of thefts
–– 'Gotta keep out invaders from Southie.'

Michelle Obama: We would never have 'gotten away with' running the country like Trump
–– But maybe husband should’ve tried.

Jerry Falwell, Jr. was found intoxicated and bleeding at his home following a bombshell report alleging a years-long sexual affair between him, his wife, and another man
–– Didn't fall well.

Officer Tells Black Man He 'Looks Suspicious' for Wearing Designer Crocs
–– To be fair, who doesn’t?

Offset Allegedly Cheated On Cardi B The Entire Time They Were Together
–– Offset pimping.

Former Build Build-A-Bear employee reveals the unexpected customer she encountered on the job
–– Yabba-dabba-do tell.

Haley: Israel-UAE, Bahrain deals achieved due to Trump's focus on Iran
–– Haley’s comment.

Yusuf Revisits 'Tea For The Tillerman,' His Landmark Album As Cat Stevens
–– Yusuf forced.

‘Yeah, that's a brain': Man finds gruesome package washed up on beach
–– Floated the idea.

Incredible moment three ducks escort a deadly tiger snake to shore
–– Two maybe. Four perhaps. But three!

Children say they want more climate change and sustainability lessons in school
–– Because almost impossible to flunk.

Trump’s Promise to Revive Coal Thwarted by Falling Demand, Cheaper Alternatives
–– Reality in general.

John Leguizamo to boycott the Emmys over lack of Latinx representation: 'What's the point?'
–– Of you not tuning in? Good question.

Fidel Castro Stayed in Harlem 60 Years Ago to Highlight Racial Injustice in the U.S
–– Got high Marx.

He’s paying attention to people like us': Trump’s message finds fans in Wisconsin
–– Literal cheese heads.

Florida Man Shot in Face For Ranting About Slow Service at Smoothie Shop
–– Punk leaves bullet tip.

Fla. Man Vanished in 2015 — and Wife Is Arrested After His Remains Are Found Buried in Backyard
–– Florida Woman's turn!

US-led wars have displaced 37m people. America should accept responsibility
–– For Syria? South Sudan? Myanmar? Somalia?

Kanye West leaves fans concerned as he tweets about being murdered
–– Fans should be concerned they’re still fans.

Police Hunt Woman Seen Posting Feces Through Trump Supporter Mailboxes
–– Via fecial delivery.

Harvey Weinstein stripped of UK royal honor by Queen Elizabeth II
–– Transferred to Prince Andrew’s honors.

Iran upholds sentence to amputate the fingers of 3 teens convicted of stealing
–– Turns out was four-finger discount.

Watchdog To Review Nonlethal Tactics Against Protesters, Including 'Heat Ray' Request
–– How about watchdogs?

Lady Gaga's '911' film is a raw look at her mental-health battle
–– Dial it out.

Brave woman moves thousands of bees with her BARE HANDS
–– Feel glovesick?

Salon owner forced to close after Pelosi visit may now reopen
–– Hair today, gone tomorrow.

Beavers were hunted to extinction 400 years ago, but now they are being reintroduced in England
–– Distinction rebellion.

‘Tenet’s’ dismal U.S. debut has some calling for a change in Hollywood’s approach to the blockbuster
–– What, make decent, comprehensible ones?

The Mandalorian' cinematographer said shooting baby Yoda was similar to shooting Christian Bale in 'Vice'
–– Similar to shooting fellow hunter in face.

Puerto Rico Gets $13 Billion in Aid With Election Just Ahead
–– PR, campaign?

Diana Rigg once 'stormed off' the set of Game of Thrones – and inspired costars
–– Fraught with Tyrell.

Woodward says Trump has 'lost his way, not just as a president but as a human being'
–– ‘I mean, he’s an embarrassment to bipeds, mammals, anything above a single cell.’

Woodward Book Casts New Light On Trump's Fight With WHO
–– WHO: the Hell.

Newt Gingrich asks Fox News host if it's now 'verboten' to criticize George Soros, earns long stare
–– Ja, Fluffenführer Gingrich, ist verboten.

Bear cub wakes up sunbather with gentle nudge
–– Was lying in his chaise.

Bill Barr responds to Democrats' fear that Trump won't leave office: 'I’ve never heard of that crap'
–– Ears clogged with all other crap from Trump.

President Harding’s Family Battles Over Exhuming His Body
–– Harding har-har.

‘Cheer’ star Jerry Harris arrested on charge of production of child pornography
–– Gimme a P, gimme an E, gimme a D, what’s that spell?

‘White men owe Black women peace': Janelle Monae on why 'Antebellum' is relevant
–– Will ignoring film provide quiet?

It's been six months since Breonna Taylor died and activists aren't letting the world forget
–– Activists at CNN?

More than 240 schools in US are named after a Confederate leader. About half serve majority Black or nonwhite students
-–– Three quarters of online journalists search out divisive stories. One third of readers click on ones about race. So how many times will we read headline like this?

Poll shows major decline in support for BLM movement across US over last three months
–– Always happens with repeats.

‘Justice League’ Star Ray Fisher Went on Twitter Attack After Getting Cameo Offer in ‘The Flash’
–– Bit part of hand that feeds him.

Sale of team not getting in way of Mets' goal
–– Of finishing outside of ridiculously expanded postseason.

Steve Cohen agrees to buy Mets in deal worth over $2.4 billion
–– That’ll buy a lot of tears.

Acting Homeland Secretary Chad Wolf defies subpoena and skips House hearing
–– Wolf not at door.

The Big Ten conference will try to play football in 2020, and colleges are cracking down on Greek life.
–– Especially, y’know, penetrating tight ends.

Brandi Glanville reveals all the details of alleged affair with Denise Richards
–– MILF diving.

Kanye West posts video of himself peeing on one of his Grammys
–– Yeeshy.

Kanye West Peeing on a Grammy Is ‘Vile and Disrespectful,’ Says Diane Warren
–– Gramophone designed for No. 2.

GOP Rep. Clay Higgins Threatens To Shoot Armed Protesters: 'I'd Drop Any 10 Of You'
–– Clay bitchin'.

The Vikings Were More Complicated Than You Might Think
–– Eric the well-read?

Biden wins Scientific American's first endorsement in 175 years
–– How many scientific Americans outside meth labs were going to vote for Trump?

Chuck E. Cheese wants to destroy 7 billion prize tickets
–– Chuck each tease?

Madonna to Co-Write, Direct Her Own Biopic
–– Egodisaster warning.

Navalny Says He is Breathing on His Own in a Message From His Hospital Bed
–– In poisonal message.

Justice Dept. Opens Criminal Inquiry Into John Bolton’s Book
–– Your tax dollars at jerk.

How Carla Bruni-Sarkozy Has Perfected Zoom Lighting
–– It must be so hard to make her look good.

Ancient Python Lays Eggs, Apparently Without Male Help
–– Like male could coil around her, squeeze?

On the trail of the Knights Templar and Holy Grail in western Poland
–– Where it's being used as drool cup.

An Iceberg Might NOT Have Sunk the Titanic After All, a New Study Finds
–– Let's just go with the floe.

5 of the 10 largest wildfires in recorded California history now currently burning
–– Other 5 charge flame shaming.

Trump blames 'explosive' trees for California's record-breaking wildfires
–– Branch risky.

California Relies on Incarcerated Women to Fight Wildfires. Then it Abandons Them.
–– Burn-outs.

Andrew Gillum says he identifies as bisexual
–– And really, really high.

Michael Cohen's daughter calls Ivanka Trump 'phony' and 'gross' in scathing Vanity Fair interview
–– Yeah, but grossness totally genuine.

Donald Trump Said He’s ‘Entitled’ to a Third Term—And People Are Reacting Accordingly
–– Yeah, 20 years to life.

Trump suggests he would 'negotiate' a 3rd term as president because he is 'probably entitled' to it
–– Turd’s the charm.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Wore the Most Divisive Version of These Already-Controversial Comfy Shoes
–– Creates open-toed scandal.

Possible sign of life on Venus stirs up heated debate
–– She has chlamydia.

A gas found on Earth that signifies life has been detected in the clouds on Venus
–– Until it’s hi-test unleaded being pumped into space sled, spare us.

US Ambassador to China Terry Branstad stepping down as tensions with Beijing rise
–– Can you step down from ditch?

7 people hospitalized after car crash on Golden Gate Bridge possibly exposes them to fentanyl
–– Saved money on anesthesia.

Cruz says he does not want SCOTUS job
–– Better qualified for SCROTUS.

Elizabeth Holmes may attempt to claim 'mental disease' in Theranos criminal case
–– Doesn’t she have cheap box to test that?

Liam Neeson defends Star Wars: Episode I, and Jar Jar Binks
–– Hums Jar Jar on My Mind.

How a mysterious man fooled a Harvard scholar into believing the 'Gospel of Jesus' Wife' was real
–– Fulfilled femtasy.

South Dakota attorney general involved in fatal car crash initially reported he hit a deer
–– Hart-breaking.

A perfectly preserved Ice Age cave bear has been found in Russia -- even its nose is intact
–– Story doesn’t pass smell test.

Hundreds of thousands of migratory birds have been found dead in New Mexico
–– Beaking bad.

Federal judge grants temporary restraining order to prevent USPS from sending election mailers with 'false statements'
–– Need to stamp out.

Michelle Rodriguez Discusses Importance of Female 'F9' Writer to Break "Egoist" Male Stories
–– Michelle not too full of self.

Up is down: Trump lies that Biden would 'destroy' Obamacare's protections for pre-existing conditions
–– The insurance scamp!

Apple helped the US government build a 'top secret' iPod, former engineer says
–– iPod No-no.

Michael Bloomberg to Spend At Least $100M to Help Joe Biden in Florida
–– Will that buy enough meth?

Bond star Naomie Harris says viewers "will scream at screens" in The Third Day
–– Mostly, ‘Bullshit!’

A woman deliberately cut off her hand with a circular saw in a $1.2m insurance scam
–– All fingers pointing to her.

Nine protesters confronted by gun-toting couple backed by Trump issued trespassing citations
–– Property bothers.

Melania Trump’s former advisor says relationship with Donald Trump is ‘transactional’
–– Chastity belt coin operated.

A QAnon website shut down after a fact-checking group exposed the developer behind it
–– Headless chimp doxxed.

Officer caught on own camera saying 'let's get these motherf******' at George Floyd protests
–– Whoa, cops curse?

Chris Evans fans, Mark Ruffalo offer support after star accidentally posts nude photo
–– They want to hold it?

Sharon Stone: It’s a ‘big, fat, stupid lie’ if anyone says looks don’t matter
–– We’re much more attracted to trim, shapely, clever ones.

’Mulan’ has a lackluster box office debut in China
–– Guess Disney’s blow job not that good.

Jimmy Carter Says Willie Nelson Smoked Pot with His Son on the Roof of the White House
–– Not in Waste Wing?

Willie Nelson Recalls Having to Admit Cheating to Wife When Mistress Had Their Baby: I 'Was Caught'
–– Suggested they go up on White House roof to discuss.

Coronavirus can spread on airline flights, two studies show
–– Uh, because people breathe on planes?

’I up-played it': Trump disputes own admission he downplayed coronavirus
–– 'And delittled, maximized, overstated it!'

Pepper robot can scan workers' faces to check they are wearing masks
–– And perfect for taking pummeling from bare-faced idiot.

The White House blocked the US Postal Service from sending face masks to every US household in April
–– Via facial delivery.

It Turns Out the Pandemic Made Us Better Partners
–– Misery loves company.

Anti-Mask Demonstrator Ejected From Disney World While Misquoting 'A Bug's Life'
–– Obvious jerk, but who could screenwriters accurately quote A Bug's Life?

Rich Countries Have Already Bought More Than Half of Future Supply of COVID-19 Vaccines
–– Shots, their wad.

Voters endure long, socially distanced lines to cast early ballots in four states
–– Trump should fear ones with mask.

CDC reverses course on testing asymptomatic people for Covid-19, again
–– Renamed Centers for Disease Confusion.

Pence’s former top aide says Trump called the coronavirus 'a good thing' because he didn't like shaking hands with 'disgusting' supporters
–– Virus repulsed by touchng his hand.

Ex-Pence Aide Says She’ll Vote for Biden Because Trump Is the Antichrist
–– Antichrist demands retraction.

Former Member of Trump's Coronavirus Task Force Says He Has 'a Flat-Out Disregard for Human Life'
–– Can’t we be positive, say he’s pro-death?

Trump Blames Blue States For The Country’s High Coronavirus Death Toll
–– Democrats see red.

'What a despicable man': Schumer rips into Trump for saying the coronavirus death toll would be lower if the US ignored Democratic states
–– Despicable Meh.

Florida resident death toll hits 13,000 as state adds 3,255 new coronavirus cases
–– Will state turn blue from lack of oxygen.

Clyburn says Barr's remark comparing lockdowns to slavery is 'the most ridiculous, tone-deaf, God-awful thing I've ever heard'
–– Chains of fool.

With tourists slow to return, Egypt's resorts and ancient sites face tough winter
–– DeNile of service.

Shoebox-sized coronavirus test kit gives results in just 90 minutes
–– Amputates foot, but still, is quick.

U.S. Poverty Hit a Record Low Before the Pandemic Recession
–– Giving Devil his due.

Craving sugar during a pandemic? Here's how to tame your sweet tooth
–– Whip it with licorice laces.

Trump to hold first entirely indoor rally in nearly three months
–– Can hopefully infect enough to sway election.

‘Irresponsible, arrogant’: Nevada Gov. Sisolak rips Trump for holding indoor rally
–– Nevada twain shall meet.

A top disease expert is warning of 'another 12 to 14 months of a really hard road ahead of us,' and says the US has no national plan to stop it
–– Pandumic response.

RNC chairwoman says history will vindicate Trump's coronavirus handling
–– Like it judged Hindenburg ‘big whoopsie.’

The Princess Bride' had a prescient line about mask wearing
–– If prescient means coincidental.

Stanley Crouch, Critic Who Saw American Democracy in Jazz, Dies at 74
–– Down beat.

Father of Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates dies at 94
–– Pearly Gates.

Al Kasha, Oscar-Winning Songwriter of ‘The Morning After,’ Dies at 83
–– Kasha vanishkes.

Shere Hite, Who Challenged Myths of Female Sexuality, Dies at 77
–– Haven’t seen Hite nor hair.