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Captain Oblivious
Week of 09/11/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

President Trump as the captain of the Titanic looking through the wrong end of his binoculars and proclaiming, “Everybody relax. It’s only the size of an ice cube.’Trump defends decision to publicly downplay COVID-19 to avoid panic
–– In latest slang for ‘completely deny.’

Ag groups try to tilt Biden to the left
–– Ag-gravation.

Why Trump talked, though he feared an ‘atrocious’ book from Woodward
–– Does phrase ‘egomaniacal, delusional, lunatic dotard’ mean anything to you?

For a President Who ‘Needs to Touch the Flame,’ Bob Woodward Was Irresistible
–– Or too stupid to know it’s hot?

Trump knew the coronavirus was 'deadly stuff' but chose to downplay it, according to recordings revealed in new Woodward book
–– Didn’t want to scare little pigs on way to Market.

’This is deadly stuff’: Tapes show Trump acknowledging virus threat in February
–– Though this quote made while pointing to own head.

What did Trump know and when did he know it? Inside his Feb. 7 admission
–– And when did he deny, acknowledge, forget, double down on, blame the media, blame Obama for it?

Biden on Trump concealing coronavirus threat: 'It's almost criminal'
–– Give the guy some credit –– it’s totally!

Trump again suggests Biden used drugs to enhance performance in primary debates
–– Roidwing conspiracy.

Joe Biden hasn't answered questions from an Instagram 'ask me anything'
–– Media doesn't provide enough stupid questions?

Biden Says Iran Closer to Nuclear Weapons Under Trump, Would Re-Enter Deal
–– Would Barack-track on numerous policies.

How to check if your mail-in ballot was received and counted in Florida
–– Visit local church, light candle, pray.

Fox News Host Says if Trump Wins 'There Will Be Blood Everywhere'
–– Tucker Carlson will have spontaneous period?

Trump speech at Michigan rally interrupted by 'We love you' chant
–– Like in Jonestown before Kool-Aid toast.

'Fortunate Son,' Donald Trump's Hype Song At Rally, Slams Rich Draft Dodgers
–– Doesn’t lend Creedence.

“I’ll Never Question 1938 in Germany Again”: An Ex-Republican Strategist Surveys the Wreckage of Trump’s GOP
–– “Nazi it again?’

California Fires Burn Nearly 2,000% More Land Than Last Year
–– California creamin’.

Air Quality in San Francisco, Los Angeles As California Wildfires Rage
–– It what? We’re waiting with bated breath.

San Francisco Giants Play Under Eerie Orange Skies as Deadly Wildfires Sweep the West Coast
–– Hitters smoke ball.

Portland declares state of emergency as 500,000 flee wildfires across Oregon
–– Protest marchers don’t know whether they’re coming, going.

Rumors about ‘antifa’ wildfires in Oregon are false, law enforcement says
–– What sparked them?

A gender reveal sparked a wildfire in California that's grown to 7,000 acres
–– It’s a ‘Boy, are your parents stupid!’

Woman who popularized the gender reveal party says enough already after latest wildfire
–– And 10 years of humiliated parents.

‘The scale of this disaster really can't be expressed in words’
–– So shut up.

Climate change recasts the insect communities of the Arctic
–– Use non-equity actors.

Extinction Rebellion Protesters Stripped Naked to Protest Fast Fashion
–– Offend clothes-minded.

Forget Plastic Packaging—the Ocean Is Polluted Because of Your Jeans
–– OK, it’s gong to take awhile, but we’re going to forget obvious, tangible threat we’ve read endless data on because you asked nice.

Plastic food packaging now outpaces cigarette butts as most abundant beach trash
–– Hey, we asked you to forget it!

Why not melt your clothes and turn them into plastic?
–– While wearing them.

Record Flooding Threatens Millennia-Old Pyramids in Sudan
–– Like sandstorm in middle of Red Sea.

Trump Jr. on alleged Kenosha shooter: ‘We all do stupid things at 17’
–– ‘Some of us continue for next 25 tears.’

‘Horrified’: Ivanka and Don Trump Jr. wanted Trump to quit his ‘racist’ campaign, Michael Cohen writes
–– Until they learned to love inner bigots.

In tell-all book, Michael Cohen says Trump hired a 'Faux-Bama' before White House run
–– To be 'fake-fired' by 'real-racist.'

Michael Cohen's Daughter Reveals How She Was Sexualized by Donald Trump as a Teen
–– If you'd like to induce vomiting naturally.

Cohen: Trump 'doesn't have a sense of humor,' isn't joking about being POTUS for '12 more years’
–– A bonkers dozen.

You’re Not Imagining It: Trump Books Are Coming Out at a Rapid Clip
–– Like tommy gun firing blanks.

Oregon voters disapprove of Portland protests, feel police aren’t using enough force, poll finds
–– What? Don't like city besieged, pillaged, afire?

You think 'WAP' is dirty? Meet 19-year-old L.A. rapper ppcocaine, the filth queen of TikTok
–– Apparently her urine test was positive for coke.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 20 to End the E! TV Series in 2021
–– 20? Egads!

One Sperm Donor. 36 Children. A Mess of Lawsuits.
–– A wad of recriminations. A load of complaints. A splooge of lawyers.

Married teacher searched for 'secluded areas' before sex with 15-year-old: court
–– Apparently learned her lesson.

A bravery award named after known racist gets new name to honor 9/11 hero
–– Gee, that took guts.

Century 21 files for bankruptcy and will close all of its stores
–– Renamed Chapter 11.

Paris Musée d'Orsay sorry for barring visitor in low-cut dress
–– Ask Manet's Olympia to don pasties.

Drug That Bulked Up Mice In Space Might Someday Help Astronauts Make Long Voyages
–– On diet of bulked-up mice.

Why Jared Kushner suggests reading 'Alice in Wonderland' if you want to understand Trump
–– It was that or other book he’s read, ‘Goodnight Moon.’

GOP congressman spent $70K in campaign cash on meals
–– PACed it on.

The Best Answer to Chaos in Bolivia Is Socialism
–– Ask Venezuela.

Naomi Osaka nearly moved to tears by messages from families of Ahmaud Arbery and Trayvon Martin
–– Check back when she’s bawling.

4 insane things just happened to Tesla
–– Elon Musk and…?

Travis Scott drops McDonald's-themed merchandise, including a $90 chicken nugget pillow
–– Everyone will drop it.

The prehistoric megalodon shark had fins as big as human adults and heads the length of cars, according to new research
–– And schvantz the size of Minnow.

Fossilised APE tooth unearthed in India belongs to the gibbon ancestor
–– Not GIBBON?

The Justice Department seeks to intervene in a lawsuit brought by Trump's rape accuser, which would leave taxpayers footing the legal bills
–– Rubs assault in wound.

Entire Rochester Police Leadership Resigns After Daniel Prude Death
–– Weren’t Prudent.

Naked protesters wearing ‘spit hoods’ decry Daniel Prude’s death on sixth day of demonstrations
–– We’re not Prudes, but…

Odd ‘white patch’ on Alaskan mountain prompts social media debate: What caused it?
–– Abashed goats in circle raise hooves.

Sicilian mafia boss serving life sentence 'eats guard's finger' in jail fight
–– With a nice chianti.

Cat owners fall in one of five categories, researchers say. Which one are you?
–– 1. Single woman. 2. Single female. 3: Single lady. 4. Single divorcee or 5. Single spinster?

NJ store sparks outrage with 'Speak English or Pay $10 Extra' sign
–– At least translate to 'Habla Ingles o Pagar $ 10 Suplemento.'

Report: ACLU staffer fumes at Transylvania University for accepting Nick Sandmann
–– As vampire undergrad (and ground.)

Trump says it would be "an insult to our country” if Kamala Harris became the first female president
–– Speaking in the Royal We are Racists.

Georgia secretary of state says as many as 1,000 potential cases of double voting detected
–– After he had staff duplicate 500 votes.

Meet Noor bin Ladin, the niece of Osama bin Laden who has come out as a Trump supporter and QAnon believer
–– Mental illness obviously in genes.

Jimmy Fallon Calls Out Mystery Object Coming From Trump's Nose
–– You’d guess brain, but he has no excess.

‘Blindspotting’: TV Spin-Off Of Rafael Casal & Daveed Diggs Feature Goes To Series At Starz
–– Because mega smash hit made all of $5 mil. Worldwide.

Far-Right Norwegian Politician Nominates Trump for Nobel Peace Prize
–– Is Norway’s April Fool’s Day in September?

Kim Jong-un accused US of paranoia in angry letter to Donald Trump
–– Like Norman Bates accusing you of being Mama's boy.

Kim showed off executed uncle's headless body: Trump
–– What, it looked like Trump?

Mexican president says would extradite predecessor Calderon to U.S.
–– To be closer to patron El Chapo.

Warren Buffett's Berkshire Hathaway to buy $250 million worth of Snowflake's shares in private placement
–– Easily triggered Millenials 'grateful, but wary.'

Shoebox-sized satellites built in the UK to be launched this month
–– In mocs exercise.

Eric Trump Insists Google Is Manipulating Americans With Images Of An Anime Character
–– Why searches for him bring up close-ups of hemorrhoids?

Belarusian activist forcibly removed from country by security services
–– Don't Minsk words.

Newly renovated Rose Garden under repair less than 3 weeks after unveiling
–– Decision to use buried enemies as mulch in question.

The U.A.E.-Israel Flight Is Nothing to Celebrate
–– Emirite?

Abu Dhabi instructs all hotels to offer kosher meals following Israel, UAE agreement
–– And won't presumably just add schmaltz to halal offerings.

Egypt: Lawyers say Morsi's son killed by 'lethal substance'
–– ReMorsi the pity.

Texas police group puts up billboard warning "enter at your own risk," saying Austin defunded police
–– "But we still got enough firepower to blast yer hippy ass."

Kentucky driver failed to fool police with hand-drawn license plate
–– And we’re talking Kentucky Kops.

Lindsay Lohan sued by HarperCollins for collecting $365K advance but never writing book
–– Will attempt to retrieve funds from nose.

EU-China summit to mark soured relations with deal on whiskey
–– And some rye comments.

Disney Under Fire For Filming 'Mulan' in China’s Xinjiang Province
–– Getting criticized up the Xinjiang.

How 'Mulan's Jason Scott Lee got ripped playing villain Böri Khan: 'I was tortured to death every day'
–– ‘Like a Xinjiang slave laborer.’

Mulan Star Yifei Liu Talks Scoring the Role of a Lifetime: ‘This Is Really a Dream Moment’
–– ‘Like meeting Chairman Xi and kissing his hand in appreciation for keeping Hong Kong safe.’

Last 2 Journalists Working for Australian Media Evacuated From China
–– Edited out.

Prince Harry and Meghan Sign Megawatt Netflix Deal
–– More like Megawhat?

Archie Is One Of The Fastest Rising Baby Names In The U.S.
–– Right behind Jughead.

'Mighty Ducks' star Shaun Weiss gets sober and gets new teeth after meth arrest
–– Fills the bill?

6-Year-Old and 4 Others Are Shot at J’Ouvert Celebration in Brooklyn
–– Tradition is tradition.

Chrissy Teigen is using Botox to treat 'really bad pregnancy headaches'
–– Or has all the botox caused issue making forehead skin tighter than bongo’s?

Bradley Cooper Says Awards Season Is 'Utterly Meaningless': 'It's Devoid of Artistic Creation'
–– A star is scorn.

Future Oscar Films Must Meet Diversity Standards
–– What’s superlative beyond ‘utterly?’

A killer whale who grieved her dead calf for 17 days is a mother again
–– Aww. After tearing extra-cute penguins, seals, sea lions to shreds.

Djokovic defaulted from US Open after striking lineswoman with ball
–– Excitement left lump in throat.

The Podiatrist-Approved Shoe Brand Oprah Loves Is Having a Huge Labor Day Sale
–– Sole sister.

Amazon expert killed with arrow while working to protect uncontacted tribes in Brazil
–– And, ironically, delivering poison-tipped ones.

Mexico’s largest cartel 'arming consumer drones with explosives' in turf war
–– Making deliveries for Amabom.

John Kerry Says Trump Is 'Completely Intimidated' by Vladimir Putin
–– Hears name, is pupin’.

Trump is banning federal agencies from conducting workplace training sessions on race, which he believes are 'anti-American propaganda'
–– And we're off to the racists.

Hundreds of bags of cannabis fell from the sky in Israel, dropped by a 'green drone' on a Tel Aviv square
–– Not Highfa?

Sharon Osbourne relives the moment 'very calm' Ozzy tried to kill her while high on drugs
–– Crazy train gently chugging along.

Kate Winslet Says Hollywood's Regard for Allen, Polanski was Disgraceful
–– She's hypocritics' darling.

Kate Winslet says she hid in the trunk of the car where a 19-year-old actress was filming a love scene so she wasn't alone with 2 male crew members
–– In case jack off?

Scarlett Moffatt says people assume she is thick because of her northern accent
–– Um, it’s photos, too.

How ‘I’m Thinking of Ending Things’ DP Łukasz Żal Used Subtle Changes to Distinguish Memory From Reality
–– Accent on ŻubtŁe.

New Trump ads stoke racial bias among white people in Minnesota and Wisconsin
–– One stoke over the line.

Trump Reportedly Spent $58 Million In Campaign Funds On Legal Fees And Compliance
–– Imagine what would happen if US had campaign finance laws.

Jon Cryer defends 'Two and a Half Men' work after Rep. Matt Gaetz says 'Charlie Sheen carried' the show
–– In slop bucket.

Australian customs officials destroy $19,000 handbag
–– Customs-made.

Trump promised a health care plan before the end of August. It never came.
–– Died, uninsured, in ER.

Trump attacks the sixth-richest woman in the world for her ties to The Atlantic
–– Is that on Laurene Powell Jobs business card?

Ray Fisher Disputes ‘Justice League’ Investigation Claims Made by Warner Bros.
–– Was Fisher expedition?

‘Jack Reacher’ Series at Amazon Casts Alan Ritchson in Lead Role
–– Because it wants first reaction to promos to be, ‘Who?’

Biden loses his Florida lead as Latino voters shift to Trump
–– Cuban misled crisis.

Anita Hill vows to vote for Joe Biden and work with him on gender issues
–– Hill of beans, but still.

Boats participating in a Trump support parade sink in Texas, officials say
–– Maybe there is a god, but he’s Loki.

Why this former Green Beret and Gold Star husband says he supports Trump
–– As he displays massive hole in head.

Buttigieg: Trump has disrespected US military since the day he let a 'sucker' serve in Vietnam in his place
–– Bone spurs warm memories.

Nearly 700 veterans defend Trump over refusal to visit French WWI cemetery
–– 674 losers, suckers of 20 mil+ vets.

Donald Trump Lashes Out After ABC News’ Jon Karl Asks Him, ‘Why Did You Lie To The American People?’
–– C’mon, his mouth was moving, wasn’t it?

Mental Health in the US is Suffering—Will It Go Back to Normal?
–– Normal? You normalist monster, you!

South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem is using COVID-19 relief funds to pay for a $5 million tourism ad campaign, despite a surge in coronavirus cases following the Sturgis motorcycle rally
–– Want to get other bugs to visit state.

Private autopsies are on the rise during the COVID-19 pandemic
–– Doctors open up.

Hangover From Alcohol Boom Could Last Long After Pandemic Ends
–– Bender over backwards.

NIH director: ‘I’m pretty puzzled and rather disheartened’ by Trump rally
–– In latest slang for 'gob-smacked' and 'horrified.'

Fauci says U.S. needs to 'hunker down' for fall and winter
–– Suggests hibernation so keep eating like grizzlys.

Salon owner Erica Kious is closing her shop after Nancy Pelosi’s maskless visit
–– Cut short.

Selena Gomez Says She 'Gained a Sense of Knowledge' in Quarantine and Learned 'a Lot About My Country'
–– Kinda made it all worthwhile.

The Pandemic Is a ‘Mental Health Crisis’ for Parents
–– Who lived under delusion they were childless on schooldays.

Ukrainian church leader who blamed COVID-19 on gay marriage tests positive
–– Answered prayers dept.

‘I’ve lost who I am': To out-of-work Las Vegas comedians, COVID-19 is no joke
–– Imagine suffering staring into mirror listening to own routine.

Coronavirus: Almost 20% of cases in past month stem from controversial motorcycle rally, research claims
–– Virus hog wild.

China Passed "Extraordinary And Historic" Coronavirus Test: Xi Jinping
–– Which he was thrilled to see US fail.

Dentists Are Seeing an Epidemic of Cracked Teeth. What’s Going On?
–– Bites off more than they can choose.

Trump: We could have a vaccine "before a very special date"
–– "When I'm dragged from White House on January 20, 2021."

Take That's Howard Donald left 'fuming' after his son, 4, was refused haircut for not wearing a mask
–– Take That, barber!

Dame Diana Rigg: Avengers, Bond and Game of Thrones actress dies at 82
–– Peel’s off.

George Lazenby pays tribute to James Bond co-star Diana Rigg, 007's only wife
–– Results Rigged.

Kevin Dobson, Actor on 'Kojak' and 'Knots Landing,' Dies at 77
–– Crocker jacked.

Cathy Smith, Who Injected John Belushi With Fatal Drugs, Dies at 73
–– Completely shot.