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Bored Way Joe
Week of 08/21/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Presidential candidate Joe Biden in the pose of Jets quarterback Joe Namath with a football in his hand and the number 77, representing his age, on his sleeve. The team name is The Delaware Dems.Joe Biden Vows ‘We Can Find the Light Once More’ in DNC Nomination Speech
–– Vows to bring The Clapper to White House.

Singing 'no riskier than talking' for virus spread
–– Except for ears.

If Joe Biden is right about 1 thing, it's Trump's handling of the pandemic
–– 1 thing 100x more than Trump.

Barack Obama Fiercely Criticized Trump in an Unprecedented DNC Speech
–– Baracks the vote.

Dem convention shows Biden wants to reassemble Obama's coalition — not build a new one
–– Avengers Reassemble!

Barack Obama reportedly said: 'Don't underestimate Joe's ability to f... things up'
–– ‘Unless comparing it to Trump’s.’

Hillary Clinton offers Biden advice on battling Trump
–– Because who knows better how to beat.

Rose McGowan unleashes fury against Joe Biden, Democrats: 'You are monsters, frauds'
–– In latest carefully considered think piece.

How Julia Louis-Dreyfus roasted Donald Trump in DNC finale
–– In own drippings.

Howard Dean says enthusiasm for Biden doesn't matter because voters have 'had it' with Trump
–– Biden off more than he can skew.

In struggle to land a blow on Biden, Trump toys with nickname change
–– Doesn’t have his Sleepy number?

What Cardi B's interview with Joe Biden tells us about Joe Biden
–– He had no idea who she was.

Laura Ingraham Bursts Donald Trump Jr.'s Bubble By Saying Joe Biden 'Beat Expectations'
–– Release of methane fells Kimberly Guilfoyle.

Democrats question whether Trump is breaking the law with RNC speech
–– Of gravity?

The White House has stopped even pretending Trump won't contest the election results
–– Added chain to leg of Resolute desk he can shackle self to.

Mike Pence Leads Donald Trump Jr. by 14 Points in 2024 Republican Primary
–– Both trail Q by 20 points.

Trump embraces QAnon conspiracy because 'they like me'
–– ‘They very like me. We quite similar.’

Trump confirms Stormy Daniels claim that he's 'terrified' of sharks
–– Especially ones he pays retainers.

At least 5 dead, nearly 700,000 acres burned as massive fires threaten Northern and Central California
–– In this year’s sequel to The Forest and the Furious.

Lori Loughlin's Husband Mossimo Giannulli Gets 5 Months in College Admissions Scandal
–– Admissions of guilt.

‘Jeopardy!' host Alex Trebek's wife reveals moment she knew something was 'off' before his cancer diagnosis
–– He didn’t correct her when she failed to answer in form of question.

Russell Crowe says new film 'Unhinged' draws attention to uptick of 'ultraviolence' in today's society
–– ‘By rubbin’ your bloody nose in it.’

Kim Jong Un delegates some powers to sister Kim Yo Jong, South Korean intelligence says
–– Anything that requires bending over, lifting.

Trump's secretary of state attacks UK over Iran sanctions block
–– Pompeo and circumstance.

Pakistani who killed American in court says he was given gun
–– Please say ‘by Allah.’

Virginia state senator turns herself in to face charges in connection with the dismantling of a Confederate monument
–– In Reb State?

Postmaster General Louis DeJoy Defends Changes Before Senate Committee
–– Junk male.

Postmaster DeJoy says he was unaware 700 collection boxes had been removed 
–– Wonders aloud if they didn’t ‘just walk away.’

White House chief of staff pledges USPS won't dismantle sorting machines between now and Election Day
–– Will simply burn ‘excess’ mail-ins ballots.

Pelosi says USPS postmaster general told her he has 'no intention' of replacing the sorting machines and mailboxes that have been removed
–– Removes deliver spots.

Voters in North Carolina have received absentee ballot request forms in the mail with Trump's face on them
–– Envelope doubles as barf bag.

‘The Postman' star Kevin Costner reacts to Trump's USPS controversy: 'Criminal'
–– Says perpetrators should be forced to watch his saga ‘a dozen times.’

Trump warns presidential election result may not be known for 'years,' as allegations grow he's undermining the USPS to rig the election
–– Loss won’t sink in before dementia does.

NJ Congressman Calls For Grand Jury Criminal Probe Of Trump's Election 'Subversion' By Mail
–– And election ‘perversion’ by male.

Tax collector faces sex trafficking count with new charges
–– C’mon, just guess which state… starts with an F… think gators…

Farmer Found Guilty of Blackmail Plot That Involved Adding Metal Shards to Baby Food
–– Of silver spoon?

Arrest after 4-year-old outside NJ apartment complex
–– 4-year-old what? We’re dying to know.

Stephen Miller reportedly wanted to separate every migrant family that crossed the border
–– At the torso.

White House press secretary compares teachers to 'meat packers' and dismisses safety concerns
–– If you have taste for milk-fed veal.

Stacey Dash's Estranged Husband Claims He Was Hypnotized Into Marrying Her in Annulment Filing
–– “She kept saying, ‘stare into my eyes,” and so I peered into those vacant orbs and I glimpsed the abyss and next thing I know we’re hitched!”

Drew Barrymore confirms rumour her grandfather's corpse was stolen for 'one last party'
–– Final stiff drink.

‘Tenet’ Review: Christopher Nolan’s Long-Anticipated Time Caper Is a Humorless Disappointment
–– So he stays on brand.

Gulf coast braced for two tropical storms in 24 hours next week – for the first time in 60 years
–– Twisting time in way that would make Nolan’s head hurt.

Sarah Cooper lip syncs to Trump at DNC – and speaks out in support of Biden
–– In this tweet we got from her press agent.

Steve Bannon Is Charged With Fraud in We Build the Wall Campaign
–– We bilk: The Wall.

Steve Bannon Biographer Reacts To Arrest News: 'Like Busting Al Capone For Tax Evasion'
–– Scarbrain.

Fox host blames ‘deep state’ for Bannon arrest – Bannon says that's for 'nut cases'
–– Right, their biggest demo.

Bannon leaves federal court after pleading not guilty to fraud and money laundering
–– Wearing shirt that suggests laundering, ironing beyond his capabilities.

‘I have no idea’: Trump baffled when questioned about ‘culture of lawlessness’ surrounding him
–– Aw, don’t get modest on us now.

Aleksei Navalny Hospitalized in Russia in Suspected Poisoning
–– Taken to busy Vladimir Putin Ex-Rivals Wing.

Comatose Russian dissident Alexey Navalny arrives at Berlin hospital
–– Trump sends congratulations to Putin 'for your loss.'

Just Got An Air Fryer And Here's Everything I've Made With It So Far
–– Oxygen, Hydrogen.

Spanx bras, leggings and more are up to 50% off right now
–– Breast, thigh, waist fat up 52%.

The BlackBerry is coming back
–– Turning up like bad penny which should be price.

Wolverines spotted at Mount Rainier National Park for the first time in over 100 years
–– Had been off sharpening Adamantine claws.

Two giant gold nuggets worth $250,000 found in Australia
–– 'That's about 43,750 pints, mate!'

313 million-year-old fossil footprints at Grand Canyon are the oldest of their kind found at park
–– Traces of huge flip flop found nearby.

Archaeologists Find 1,200-Year-Old Soap Factory in Israel
–– Bar mitzvah.

Engraved Stones Found to be the Earliest Known Human Art in the British Isles
–– Ancient Guinness ad.

A growing dent in Earth's magnetic field could impact satellites and spacecraft
–– Still attracts attention.

MIT professor unveils 5 ways to save ourselves from total human extinction
–– 4) Put all doomsayers in cryogenic suspension.

Councils plan on spying on residents to make sure they are recycling
–– Should spy on sanitation workers to make sure they don’t just throw recyclables in general trash.

Ron Meyer Resigns as NBCUniversal Vice Chairman After Disclosing Affair and Extortion Attempt
–– Did have Vice in title.

Will Audiences Return to Theaters? Russell Crowe Thriller ‘Unhinged’ Aims to Find Out
–– Real question: for this crap?

Bipartisan Senate report details Trump campaign contacts with Russia in 2016, adding to Mueller findings
–– Or 'When treason is afterthought.'

Uncanny Rihanna lookalike is blowing TikTok users' minds: 'My brain can't process this'
–– We bet it can’t.

An anonymous ex-'Ellen Show' staffer compared the show's workplace environment to 'The Devil Wears Prada'
–– Or L.L. Bean.

Two Men Charged in Run-DMC D.J. Jam Master Jay’s Mysterious, Execution-Style Murder Case
–– With Jay-wacking.

The Heir to the Moosehead Breweries Fortune Had His Skull Bashed In. His Son Was the Prime Suspect.
–– Kind of more Mushhead.

14-Year-Old Barron Trump’s Growth Spurt Has Him Towering Over His Father
–– And not just intellectually.

Madonna poses with plate of marijuana as she celebrates 62nd birthday
–– Almost enough to make her imagine she’s 58.

Paris Hilton Cries over Childhood Trauma in Documentary Trailer: 'No One Really Knows Who I Am'
–– We weep: ‘We know you too well.’

Tavis Smiley Ordered to Pay PBS $2.6 Million for Workplace Affairs
–– Wipes Smiley off face.

Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger is being ushered out to pasture
–– Cud riddance.

‘You can't fix stupid' — Trump trade adviser Peter Navarro rips Kodak executives
–– But you can neuter President.

Indiana woman faces felony charges for allegedly burning a friend's baby with a treadmill and a cigarette lighter
–– In worst NordicTrack ad ever.

Is Lindsey Graham in trouble?
–– After sucking on Trump’s tailpipe for four years?

Roger Stone dropping appeal of his conviction
–– Sad because conviction was so appealing before pardon.

St. Louis couple who pointed guns at protesters to speak at Republican convention
–– Casting absentee bullets?

Restaurant chain in China apologizes for weighing diners to determine how much food they should eat
–– Now just guess weight, announce to other patrons.

United is ripping seats out of its regional jets and it's a bad sign for pilots and passengers
–– Especially when they’re in them.

David Cronenberg says Francis Ford Coppola stopped ‘Crash’ winning top Cannes prize
–– Hit brakes?

Drug-dealing stripper wanted white supremacist gang to kill Texas roommate, feds say
–– Displaying naked hatred.

Meghan Markle says returning to the U.S. after a decade away was 'just devastating'
–– For Americans.

Dylan O'Brien's 'Love and Monsters' to Head Straight to VOD
–– Explored VHS release to street vendors.

Lenny Kravitz Showed Off His Ripped Six-Pack Abs While Feeding His Dogs
–– Beer?

Jena Sims' swimsuit photo keeping injured Brooks Koepka busy
–– As long as he has one good hand.

Former McDonald's employee reveals alleged 'secrets' she learned at work: 'Will never eat there again'
–– They hid awful taste?

Chilean policeman arrested over blinding of protest student
–– Authorities won’t turn blind…y’know.

North Korea's leader is tapping his own private food reserve to feed the country, and it could be a worrying sign
–– He actually gives shit.

Robin Williams’ Widow Says the Actor Changed While Filming ‘Night at the Museum’
–– But not his underwear.

German food company to change racist name of popular sauce
–– After critics condimented it.

Bo Derek reflects on her famous cornrows and Donald Trump: 'I don’t need my president to be my moral leader'
–– And yes, tight cornrows strangled brain cells.

Cuties: Netflix Sorry for Poster Slammed for Sexualizing Little Girls
–– Netflix and swill.

Kelly Clarkson takes on Twitter troll: 'aim higher'
–– So something mean about upper body?

Kelly Osbourne says gastric sleeve surgery helped her lose 85 pounds
–– Don’t want to know what she had up sleeve.

Why it's important to remember that Andy Warhol was working class
–– OK, will write in ballpoint on palm.

Shark Bites Woman Twice in Fifth Attack at Florida Beach This Year
–– Insists second was for ‘good luck.’

Bear wanders into California grocery store, leaves with bag of tortilla chips, video shows
–– Didn’t see salsa was right next to it.

Hong Kong has more skyscrapers than nearly any city. But 60 years ago, tigers were still seen in the wild
–– Tigers in Africa, but still…

Chicago and New York saw continued surges of gun violence this weekend
–– Figures shot up?

A man lived in a Tampa stadium's luxury suite for over 2 weeks before he was arrested, police say
–– Couldn’t resist Tampatation.

Meadows says he accepts that Harris is eligible to serve as VP after Trump promotes birther lie
–– Grudge dread.

Kamala Harris Cartoon in Murdoch Paper Is Denounced as Racist
–– Because isn't everything?

Robert Kraft massage parlor video to be suppressed, judge rules
–– Available on knead to know basis.

Cincinnati Reds suspend broadcaster Thom Brennaman after he uttered anti-gay slur on air
–– Reds-faced.

Bolivia probes alleged Morales affair with minor
–– Who wants to poke around that?

Former 'Jackass' star tapes himself to billboard in publicity stunt
–– To promote new gig as sandwich board guy.

Chrissy Teigen didn't know she was pregnant when her breast implants were removed, but 'prayed to the boob surgery gods' that it would be OK
–– Her cups runneth over.

Two boys selling lemonade were robbed at gunpoint. Then their community stepped in to help
–– Crooks put squeeze on them.

An evangelical Christian musician who once prayed with Trump is hosting worship concerts across the US in defiance of pandemic order
–– Named Sean Feucht –– you pronounce last name.

Sweden has recorded its highest death toll since a famine swept through the country 150 years ago
–– More even than when Max von Sydow played chess with death in The Seventh Seal.

Climate Crisis and Pandemic Collide in California's Raging Wildfire Season
–– Please say ‘perfect storm’… please say ‘perfect storm.’

Scientists Say They Developed a 'Nanobody' That Protects Against COVID-19
–– Small comfort.

Crown Princess Mary of Denmark Apologizes for Shaking Someone's Hand
–– Dane cooked.

97,000 People Got Convalescent Plasma. Who Knows If It Works?
–– Don’t look at us!

This Team Made a $500 Ventilator—but It May Never Be Used
–– Which would be, to be fair, good news.

N.Y. Nurses Say Used N95 Masks are Being Re-Packed in Boxes to Look New
–– Being marketed as X-tra Special N95+ Masks.

‘A choice between bread and masks': Syrians face calamity as Trump's new sanctions combine with surging coronavirus
–– Can’t wear slices over nose, mouth, then eat?

M&S sandwich factory where 300 workers caught coronavirus STILL open
–– More like S&M.

Melbourne influencer fined $1,652 after holding a Fendi handbag party
–– Was first-time oFendior.

Mexico to get at least 2,000 doses of Russia's Sputnik vaccine to test
–– Initial trial on Aleksei Navalny 'inconclusive.'

Lavender sales are soaring due to Covid-19. Here's why
–– Purple pros.

Jared Kushner says 'yes,' the US coronavirus death toll of 170,000 is a 'success story,' doubling down on comments from April
–– Salutes virus with Hydroxychloraquine cocktail.

A California resident has been diagnosed with plague for the first time in five years
–– In 2015 had mild case of Black Death.

Woman who lost father to Covid-19: 'His only preexisting condition was trusting Donald Trump'
–– So some sort of brain damage?

Trump 'enthusiastic' over unproven coronavirus therapeutic, MyPillow creator says
–– Let sleeping dog lie.

This Isn’t What I Signed Up For': RAs on the Huge Burden of Student Health
–– ‘I just wanted someone to treat me with a little respect. And I’m nosy.’

Birx says she wishes US started with lockdown like Italy
–– With sufficient cheese, wine.

Tour de France: teams will be expelled if two members test positive for Covid
–– Forced to ride bikes off mountain pass.

New saliva-based Covid-19 test could be a fast and cheap 'game changer'
–– You swallow this spit?

An 'irate' woman struck an American Airlines employee after she was barred from boarding her flight without a face mask, police said
–– From Iratia?

New York City's spring coronavirus outbreak was roughly as deadly as the 1918 flu pandemic that killed 50 million people
–– And they say they don’t make ‘em like they used to.

CDC blindsided by Trump's statement it could deploy teams to schools this fall
–– All sides apparently blind.

Elizabeth Olsen on How the Produce in Her Garden Reflected Her Varying Emotions During the Pandemic (Guest Column)
–– We don’t even feel a cucumber.

Amid Pandemic, Chris Hemsworth, Sophia Bush and More Turn to Beekeeping: "It's the Most Calming Experience"
–– “After recovering from sting's anaphylactic shock.”

Linda Manz, Star of ‘Days of Heaven,’ Dies at 58
–- So Days and Nights.

Robert Trump, President Trump's Younger Brother, Dies at 71
–– 'Donald Trump’s younger brother' –– Why speak ill of the dead?

President Trump's Younger Brother May Have a White House Funeral, He Says
–– Oblong box in oval office.