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Big Birther
Week of 08/14/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Donald Trump stands in front of a faded poster from his 2016 campaign saying Obama Is Not American and writes Kamala over his name next to a picture of the 2020 VP candidate.Poll: Voters approve Harris VP pick, Biden gets image bounce
–– Joe can’t keep phone steady for selfie.

Kushner claims Kanye West meeting was a 'policy' talk
–– Kanye speaking in tongues.

Trump slammed for not rejecting conspiracy theory Kamala Harris is ineligible for vice presidency
–– For him like Barack to the Future.

Sarah Palin Offers Words Of Wisdom To Kamala Harris: 'Trust No One' And 'Have Fun'
–– ‘Oh, what are we talking about? I thought ya’ asked about Ladies Night Out! at the Mug-Shot Saloon here in Wasilla.’

Sarah Palin hopes media treats Kamala Harris 'not as personally rough' as they treated her
–– ‘Yeah, they had that fake news loofa out for me, don’tcha know.’

President Trump blasts Biden’s VP pick, Kamala Harris, as 'meanest, most horrible, most disrespectful' senator
–– In case you doubted choice.

Fox News threw everything but the kitchen sink at Kamala Harris
–– Was too clean.

Katie Holmes' Oddly Sexual Response To Biden-Harris Ticket Is Arousing Confusion
–– Joegasm? Kamalover the place?

Progressives Think 'Kamala Is a Cop.' But Cops Hated Harris for Years.
–– We think those progressives ‘Boobs.’

Va. Mayor Apologizes for Calling Kamala Harris Racist Nickname: 'Wrong, Offensive & Unbecoming'
–– ‘Oh, and par for the course.’

Looted landmarks: how Notre-Dame, Big Ben and St Mark's were stolen from the east
–– Bad west! How dare you create Modern World!

Six former EPA bosses call for agency reset after election
–– Or reestablishment?

Keeping Up With the Millers: Stephen Miller and His Wife, Katie, Found Love in a Hateful Place
–– His heart?

Zara McDermott displays her perky cleavage in tiny scarlet bikini
–– In her cups.

Everything We Know About Trump-Dubber Sarah Cooper's New Netflix Special
–– Everything we care: ________.

3-D Facial Reconstruction Suggests Raphael Self-Portrait Presents Idealized Version of the Artist
–– Blew nose?

Ron Johnson takes heat for saying Russia probe would help Trump in election
–– Truth hurts.

Trump allies plan ‘largest effort ever undertaken to mobilize the Jewish vote’
–– Dubbed Operation Gullible Putz.

Iran Threatens Musician With Jail for Encouraging Women to Sing, Dance
–– In Baghdadi Dancing musical.

In Iran, there's division and distrust. Next year's election will decide what path the country follows
–– Down stairs, escalator or express elevator.

Israel and the UAE establish 'full normalization of relations'
–– Normal for co-dependent BDSM role-players.

Expert says Spain's former king is in Abu Dhabi with lover of 40 years
–– Normalizing relationship?

Syria's Assad stops speech due to low blood pressure before resuming - state TV
–– Orders dissidents’ throats cut to return to normal.

Blazing Saddles Gets Contextual Intro on HBO Max, Just Like Gone With the Wind
–– Found someone to explain ‘satire’ to idiots?

Why Joseph Gordon-Levitt Quit Movies Before Making 'Project Power'
–– And why he should have waited bit longer.

’Game of Thrones' Star Nikolaj Coster-Waldau on 'The Silencing'
–– And why his management team is obviously House Stark.

Jason Derulo thought Cats movie was going to ‘change the world’
–– Just digitally altered his willy.

Cuba Gooding Jr. wears 'Black Lives Matter' mask at groping case court appearance
–– Hey, no such thing as bad publicity.

Lindsay Ell Faces Down Her Fears in New Album: 'I Have Been the Most Vulnerable I've Ever Been'
–– ‘And embrace fact I’m talentless.’

Cardi B Says She Spent $100,000 on COVID-19 Testing for 'WAP' Music Video Filming
–– Obviously needs BS test.

Britney Spears Claps Back at the Fat Jewish for Dissing Her Peasant Blouse Tops
–– You’d think they'd appreciate that ‘this shiksa, she’s got a little meat on her, God bless her.’

‘Curb’ Showrunner: Donald Trump Is So Stupid, He Doesn’t Realize We're Making Fun Of Him
–– Kicked by ‘Curb.'

Why does my boyfriend make jokes when I try to discuss our future?
–– Um, uh, are you familiar of the concept of a 'red flag.'

Top run: does Tom Cruise ban co-stars from sprinting alongside him on screen?
–– Unless they're carrying energy drink?

Steven Kumble Built Giant Law Firm, Then Watched it Implode
–– Tumble or krumble?

The Physics of Why Hot Water Sometimes Freezes Faster Than Cold Water
–– Hmm, icy.

Scientists recorded rare ‘boomerang’ earthquake in Atlantic Ocean. What does it mean?
–– Should be in Pacific near Australia.

NJ fisherman catches 10-foot-plus great white shark
–– Already dead, so 'catches'.

Birds and reptiles cry similar tears to humans, says new research
–– Of laughter at supposed 'findings.'

Horrifying Images Reveal Bizarre Parasite That Replaces Tongue of Fish Host
–– Piscine equivalent of whatever Trump's got.

Nestlé sued over tonnes of dead fish in French river
–– Mercifully, was death by chocolate.

Evolution of primate larynx faster than in other mammals
–– Cheeta never shut up about it.

‘Extinct’ large blue butterfly successfully reintroduced to UK
–– After exiting witness protection program.

Giant Snake Spotted Slithering Through Texas Walmart
–– Not wearing pants!

Record-Breaking 60,000 Flamingos Flock to Southern France
–– Which read 'Sothern Flrida' on map drawn with beaks.

People slept on comfy grass beds 200,000 years ago
–– Which all has Sleep Number of 1.

Stonehenge-Like 'Timber Circles' Found in Portugal
–– If it was like, maybe, Woodhenge.

Climate change most likely cause of woolly rhino extinction – study
–– So not just human hunters, but flatulent ones.

Honeybees consume nectar by sucking and not just dipping their tongues, scientists discover
–– Wet, juicy croci: ‘Yeah, baby!’

Newly Released Documents Reveal How The Feds Were Monitoring BLM Protests
–– Which is, um, their job.

How the Queen Finally Got to See Her Family Again: “It’s A Bit of a Military Operation”
–– ‘Charles is on KP duty and Andy’s digging latrines.’

Belarus election: 'Widespread torture' inflicted on jailed protesters
–– 'From head to toe.'

From Belarus to Hong Kong, journalists 'are bearing the brunt of the global surge in repression'
–– Stop the represses!

President Trump requests mail-in ballot for upcoming Florida primary, despite rhetoric
–– Will have Postmaster DeJoy pesonally deliver to only mailbox in DC.

Obama: Trump is trying to 'actively kneecap' and 'starve' the postal service
–– So it can’t even run out for snack.

Trevor Noah Compares Trump to Bond Villain for Trying to “Sabotage” Election
–– In Thunderballot.

Top DHS officials Wolf and Cuccinelli are not legally eligible to serve in roles, watchdog finds
–– Unless roles are Al Capone, Frank Nitti.

Hillary Clinton says if Trump loses, he won't go 'silently into the night'
–– Not after that final meal of Quarter-Pounders, Filet-o-Fish, McRibs.

China cracks down on 'big stomach kings' in fight against food wastage
–– Threaten to remove thrones.

Palm Beach County man arrested after cops say they found 26 ‘explosive devices’
–– Just in his pants!

San Francisco phases out free hotel rooms for homeless after meth lab found
–– Will rent by tweak.

A grapefruit-scented perfume ingredient that's toxic to ticks and mosquitoes is the first new insect repellent to be approved in a decade
–– Intense puckering causes asphyxiation.

Scientists have identified the scent that makes some locusts swarm. They could use the pheromone to trap and kill the insects.
–– Axe Body Spray.

How to Get Rid of Cicada Killer Wasps, According to Pest Experts
–– Give them even dumber moniker, embarrass to death.

9M-year-old 'hell ant' trying to eat a cockroach found entombed in amber
–– Poor old thing thought it was jalapeño popper.

Trump Calls Bill Maher a 'Gaunt' 'Jerk' After Real Time Host Eulogizes POTUS
–– Compared to Trump Louie Anderson’s cadaverous.

Trump has reportedly privately said he intends to replace Mark Esper after November election
–– Looking for Fox commentator with 2.5 months free.

New Study Says Oprah Will Be the Wealthiest Celeb in the World in 10 Years
–– According to researchers at OYesU.

Lauryn Hill answers daughter's complaints about discipline
–– Fugees the truth.

75 years later, 1 million Japanese war dead still missing
–– Missing In Asia.

Scientists say a new ocean will form in Africa as the continent continues to split into two
–– Check back in 20 million years.

‘My hair has to be perfect': Trump prompts change in showerhead rule
–– ‘Regardless of shit under it.’

Russian power lifter fractures both knees while attempting to squat nearly 900 pounds
–– Not squat goals.

Kanye flops among Black voters
–– On floor in apparent seizure.

‘Your voice does matter': What 2 Chainz wants the formerly incarcerated to know about voting rights
–– Bustin’ Chainz.

'How Can I Respectfully Disagree With My Boss?'
–– Boss writes: ‘How can I legally fire this kvetch?’

The re-emergence of charming 'little wine holes' in Florence
–– Approximately 1/2 meter above glory holes.

An 'admitted leader of the KKK' is sentenced to 6 years in prison for driving his truck through Black Lives Matter protesters
–– Kareless Kar Klan.

Arecibo Observatory featured in James Bond film "Goldeneye" shut down
–– Latest dish.

Microsoft’s new phone is ... $1,400? Why?
–– They mean ‘Why buy it?’

’Mulan’ for $30? Disney Makes Big Premium On-Demand Bet
–– Way too much mulah.

Goya CEO's cozying up to Trump may have backfired, study shows
–– According to bean counters.

QAnon Supporter Who Made Bigoted Videos Wins Ga. Primary, Likely Heading To Congress
–– You’re gonna blast her for staying on brand?

Republican lawmaker slams far-right conspiracy theory QAnon. Trump's team fires back.
–– Stay on brand!!

Trump calls Georgia GOP candidate who embraces QAnon a ‘future Republican Star’
–– ‘Like that one Grand Moff Tarkin commanded.’

Meat prices are finally falling — except for hot dogs
–– Haven’t cut mustard, failed to ketchup.

Hong Kong billionaire media tycoon arrested in newsroom
–– Normally ‘billionaire arrested’ warms heart, but not by PRC goons.

Disney just ended the 20th Century Fox brand, one of the most storied names in entertainment
–– So Fox Television? Or Century Television? What, 20th Television? 20-effin’-th?!!

Stein Mart files for bankruptcy and will close most of its 300 stores
–– You’ll have to get steins elsewhere.

Viola Davis proudly 'owns' her story
–– We don’t buy it.

Is Nick Cannon Suing ViacomCBS for Billions of Dollars?
–– Hope so, we could use laugh.

Corpse hidden for 30 years found during renovation of $41.2 million French mansion
–– Yes, in dying room.

The earth was once home to 'terror crocodiles' nearly the size of city buses
–– With much better on-time records.

Noah Centineo Got Seriously Ripped For He-Man Role
–– Must’ve been seriously ripped when he signed on.

Many Fox viewers changed the channel during John Lewis funeral
–– Racist or so old they thought it was rerun of lightweight’s funeral?

After nine years as CEO of Apple, Tim Cook is now a billionaire
–– Yeah, that’s freakin’ outrageo… never mind.

Amateur metal detectorist finds astonishing Bronze Age haul in Scotland
–– Exclaims, 'This makes up for half of all the abuse I've taken for this ridiculous hobby!'

Missing link' found? 3M-year-old red-eyed penguin could connect to modern-day sea birds
–– After taking flight back from Coast.

Endangered sea turtle shells disguised as blue plastic seized at MIA en route to Asia
–– Mock turtle snoop.

Plastic could spread disease into the food chain through seafood
–– Especially if sea life masquerades as plastic toys.

Student is 'heartbroken' after found out she can't have children at 15
–– Suggested she wait until 16.

Kodak stock plunges after government loan put on hold
–– Not a Kodak momentum?

Portland Food Cart Linked to Shigellosis Outbreak Closed
–– Plans for pop-up Shigellosis-Is-Us store cancelled.

Putting veggie dishes closer to diners makes them ignore meat
–– Anyone that lazy isn’t benefitting from vegan diet.

Should We Conserve Parasites? Apparently, Yes
–– Or cut them out of will?

Katie Hill Lost Her Job in a Flurry of Leaked Nudes and Tabloid Headlines. Now She’s Telling Her Story
–– Kink of the Hill.

People are just realizing that both of Rita Ora's parents are white, and now she's being accused of 'blackfishing'
–– Albanians don't want credit either.

Lindsey Graham Claims Declassified Docs Show FBI ‘Misled’ Congress on Steele Dossier
–– Graham cackler.

Trump says he wouldn't urge Obama to resign if their roles were reversed during the COVID-19 disaster
–– No, he'd call for assassination.

Trump Removed From Press Conference After Shots Fired Near White House
–– Was just champagne corks of staffers celebrating Biden's new poll numbers.

Suspending the Payroll Tax By Executive Order Raises As Many Questions As It Answers
–– By Joe Bishop-Henchman –– we thought that was Regis.

McDonald’s is suing its ousted CEO for lying about sexual relationships with employees
–– Was quartet pounder.

Lebanon’s government expected to step down Monday in wake of Beirut blast, sources say
–– Hey, Trump: hint, hint.

New York Times: White House reached out to South Dakota governor about adding Trump to Mount Rushmore
–– As Lincoln’s mole.

Simon Cowell Hospitalized After Breaking His Back in Bike Accident
–– Cretin's got talent.

BBC Boss Tony Hall Apologizes for Broadcaster’s Use of Racial Slur in News Report
–– Viewers' got Beeb in bonnet.

NASA drops racially charged nicknames of celestial bodies
–– Charges incredibly week, but y'know…

What not to do in a bear attack? Push your slower friends down in attempts of saving yourself, says the National Park Service
–– Even if you bear malice?

A small town in Washington hopes vampires will revive its tourism industry
–– Sucky idea.

Wendy’s is eating McDonald's breakfast
–– And getting ill.

Corporate America's Investments In Clean Energy Fell 30% So Far This Year
–– But scrubbed hands cleaner than ever.

American shopping is back to pre-pandemic levels. That's a big deal
–– Ask credit card companies.

Megachurch holds massive services for 7,000
–– Express lane to Heaven.

Patient zero in Victoria's COVID-19 second wave was hotel duty manager
–– Check him out.

US government wants to distribute coronavirus vaccines for free
–– You broke it, you pay for it.

Duterte Walks Back Offer to Putin to Test Russia's COVID-19 Vaccine
–– Even he’s not that crazy.

Anti-Vaxxers Launch $11M Lawsuit Against Canada Over Pandemic Response
–– One dollar for each stupid idea they share.

Emails from Sweden's Fauci Reveal Discussions About 'Herd Immunity' Plans
–– Have you herd?

Fauci Says 'Death Toll Would Be Enormous and Totally Unacceptable' If U.S. Tried for Herd Immunity
–– Even though that’s inevitability we’re just delaying.

Making a Covid-19 Vaccine Is Hard. Making One for Kids Is Harder
–– Oh, we got simple recipe in ‘for Dummies’ book.

What's an SF fitness influencer to do in the pandemic era?
–– Squat.

Your Watch Could be Eight Times Dirtier Than a Toilet
–– So remove during fisting.

If Phone Sex Isn't Enough, Wear a Mask and Avoid Face-to-Face Positions
–– When humping your vacuum cleaner.

Scientists may have discovered the Achilles' heel of the coronavirus
–– Heel thyself.

Florida governor compares schools reopening to killing bin Laden
–– First-grader Timmy bin Laden.

A man was forcibly carried out of an Arizona grocery store after he screamed profanities at an employee over face mask requirements
–– In plastic.

This is what it looks like in Sturgis, South Dakota, where hundreds of thousands of unmasked bikers are partying like the coronavirus isn't real
–– Oh, sorry that was Hieronymus Bosch's The Garden of Earthy Delights.

COVID-19 Has Hit Syria's Biggest ISIS Prison Camp, US General Says
–– Um, uh, too bad?

The CDC issues a dire warning for the fall if coronavirus measures are not followed
–– So keep off ladders.

A new anti-obesity coronavirus campaign is a nightmare for eating disorder sufferers
–– Let's have another bag of chips in solidarity.

AMC is reopening its theaters next week with 15-cent tickets
–– Plus whatever you pay for life insurance.

Stevie Nicks urges fans to wear a mask and fears if she contracts Covid-19 she'll never sing again
–– The tease!

925 Quarantined for Covid. Is This a Successful School Reopening?
–– Is this multiple choice?

What Scientists Know About Airborne Transmission of the New Coronavirus
–– Spray tell.

Previous vaccines and masks may hold down Covid-19, some researchers say
–– Some researchers may increase Covid-19 other researchers say.

Americans are still paying for sex in Mexico despite the pandemic
–– Expected freebies?

Ohio governor warns people against seeing Covid-19 tests as unreliable after he received a false positive
–– Swab the dick.

Trini Lopez, singer and Dirty Dozen actor, dies with coronavirus at 83
–– To be buried under lemon tree.

Sumner Redstone, billionaire media mogul, dead at 97
–– To be buried under greystone.