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DeVos Proceedings
Week of 07/17/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos sits behind a teacher’s desk in a classroom as a skeletal student’s hand places a coronavirus on it. ‘I will not cough in class’ is written repeatedly on the blackboard behind her.Coronavirus committee demands DeVos clarify threat to cut funds from schools
–– And release 8-year-old hostage.

Andrew Cuomo's nutty and smug Covid poster
–– Or smutty?

Pressley rips DeVos’s push to reopen schools: ‘I wouldn’t trust you to care for a house plant, let alone my child’
–– Takes pot shot.

White House blocks CDC director from testifying before House panel on reopening schools
–– Will send ABC director instead.

Trump sours on online learning that his administration evangelized
–– It’s ’learning’ part.

White House portraits of Bill Clinton and George W. Bush moved from prominent space to rarely used room
–– At least they don’t have to look at Trump all day.

Keys having first outbreak of Dengue fever in 10 years
–– Dinghy Fever pretty common among yachtsmen.

Jeffrey Epstein’s push Gulfstream on market for $16.5m
–– Fur-lined booster seats included.

Trump on Epstein's 'cesspool' private island: 'Just ask Prince Andrew'
–– 'He clogged most of them.'

Epstein was 'Pinocchio' with 'Gepetto' Ghislaine pulling the strings, accuser says
–– And wasn’t liar’s nose growing.

David Hasselhof's daughter Hayley stuns in blue marble print dress
–– Includes matching taser holster.

'Ellen DeGeneres Show' producers respond to claims of toxic workplace environment
–– In latest slang for "Waaah!'

Sen. Blackburn blasts 'cancel culture' after former Hillary adviser tells her to 'f--- off'
–– Cancel: my reservations.

Trump Gets Testy When Chris Wallace Fact-Checks Him About Joe Biden
–– One Wallace has left after kowtowing to Trump for years.

Graham releases declassified docs on early months of Russia probe
–– Proctologist, ENT.

Biden’s Climate Plan Is Serious –– About Green Pork
–– Tackles meat spoilage, too?

Trump Says Biden Wants to 'Abolish Immigration Enforcement'—That Isn't True
–– ICE that.

’A seldom seen niece': Trump fires back at Mary Trump over tell-all book
–– 'I mean, I wouldn’t even try to grab her pussy.’

Terrifying photos show "ultra-black fish" camouflaged in the darkest parts of the ocean
–– Can't even find self.

Portland protesters say federal officers in unmarked vans are detaining them
–– Sure they’re not in black helicopters?

The Man Who Filmed Ahmaud Arbery’s Death Is Now Being Investigated for Sex Crimes
–– Gee, if that guy’s not clean, who can you trust?

Princess Beatrice, daughter of Prince Andrew, marries in secret ceremony in front of Queen
–– Do you blame groom for wanting to keep secret?

Edward Colston's statue stood for 125 years. The Black Lives Matter statue that replaced it stood for about 25 hours
–– Did looters face statutory rap?

I Was Falsely Accused of Defacing London's Churchill Statue by Right-Wingers
–– Threatened to hold cheek by jowl.

Mary Trump's book breaks record with mammoth sales
–– Popular with extinct pachyderms.

Tyra Banks Set as New ‘Dancing With the Stars’ Host
–– Because it just wasn’t frivolous, grating enough.

Trump pitches White suburban voters in blatantly political White House event
–– A few actually land in target rings.

Megan Thee Stallion Says She's 'Hurt' and 'Traumatized' After Being Shot: 'Black Women Are So Unprotected'
–– In thee hoof.

Logic announces birth of his son as he shares the first images of him
–– Figures.

Nick Cannon Dropped by ViacomCBS Over Anti-Semitic Comments
–– Backfire.

Nick Cannon to remain on Fox show after ViacomCBS fired him over anti-Semitic comments
–– Will change title to The Masked Cantor.

Charles Barkley 'So Disappointed' in Nick Cannon for Anti-Semitic Comments
–– All Barkley, no bite?

Ice Cube Slams Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Essay About Anti-Semitism in Hollywood
–– Putz things in perspective.

Sudan Will Scrap Alcohol and Apostasy Laws, and End Flogging
–– What will they whip up to replace?

Saudi Arabia Wants Its Fugitive Spy Master Back
–– Along with mower they lent U.S.

Mysterious explosions keep happening in Iran. Israel is likely behind it.
–– Which one?

Mysterious 'Dirty Dancing' lake is filling up with water 12 years after it dried up
–– Locals do Dirty Rain Dance?

Dehd's New Album Will Make You Miss Going to Shows
–– And not be stuck at home listening to this.

The Matrix sequels were ‘mind-numbing and soul-numbing’ to work on, says their cinematographer
–– Forgot butt.

Ali Wentworth explains why she would watch porn with her kids at least 'one time’
–– Youngest is ‘never in the mood.’

Strange fish with 'human' features baffles social media users: 'Excuse me'
–– Selfie could baffle them.

In a Rare Sighting, Wayward Beluga Spotted Off San Diego
–– Really misbehaving.

North Atlantic Right Whales Now Listed as 'Critically Endangered’
–– Yeah, Right.

Super Small Cameras Will Create Insect Spies For Farmers
–– Tiny agents can never remember code names.

Shaquille O'Neal Stops to Stay with a Stranded Driver in Florida Until Help Arrives
–– Family child thanked his left knee profusely.

'Hanna' star Mireille Enos does her own brutal fight scenes
–– It’s painful dramatic scenes that have us sore.

What Falcon & Winter Soldier’s Delay Means For Marvel Phase 4 & Disney+
–– It'll premiere later.

NY Times Opinion Editor Bari Weiss Resigns, Accuses Staffers of ‘Constant Bullying’
–– Woke is me.

Donald Trump Jr., Ted Cruz, and other top Republicans praise New York Times editor Bari Weiss' resignation letter slamming the paper
–– Which doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

Mika Brzezinski Explains Joe Scarborough’s Break From ‘Morning Joe’ This Week: ‘I Told Him To’
–– Expressing popular demand.

Trump to appoint Sebastian Gorka to the National Security Education Board
–– Playing Board games.

New Ivanka Trump initiative tells out-of-work Americans to 'find something new'
–– Even if its 77-year-old former Veep.

Lawmakers slam Robinhood after apparent suicide by 20-year-old trader
–– Sure would.

'Disgusted' driver watches a dragonfly devour a horsefly on her car
-– While he was squeegeeing window.

Bees led the author to reconnect to a childlike joy in nature
–– Which led to getting stung on bare bum.

World’s rarest wild hamster is now critically endangered
–– Party animal hasn’t made scene in months.

Tina Turner comes out of retirement with a remix of 'What's Love Got To Do With It?'
–– Mixed with Geritol.

Steve Harvey apologizes for dropping F-bomb after NFL legend's 'penis' answer on 'Family Feud'
–– Harvey 'Wha?' banger.

Ecuadorian hummingbirds chirp ultrasonic songs of seduction
–– Which arouse men with micro penises.

Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back tops the US box-office for the first time in 23 years
–– Darth Vader orders Storm Troopers attend cinemas.

ICE to launch 'Citizens Academy' to teach civilians about 'targeted arrests'
–– With Michael Winslow as drill instructor.

James Gunn Reveals Warner Bros. Wouldn’t Allow Him to Make Velma Gay in ‘Scooby-Doo’
–– Velma dykely?

David Beckham congratulates oldest son Brooklyn, 21, on engagement with heartfelt message
–– ‘Your Mum 'n' me didn’t realize Brooklyn was a trendy daft name for a bird.’

Rock Band Great White Issues Apology After Performing Concert For Mask-less Audience
–– Shameless concertgoers didn’t mind being seen there?

How to make 'The Moist Maker,' the iconic turkey sandwich Ross from 'Friends' made from Thanksgiving leftovers
–– And special sauce squeezed from Ross Jr.

Pope 'very pained' by decision to turn Istanbul's Hagia Sophia museum into mosque
–– Like sitting on one of those now minarets.

Ben Stiller won't re-edit 'Zoolander' to remove Donald Trump despite pressure from fans
–– Needs someone in movie dumber than main character.

White House chief of staff Mark Meadows told staffers he fed information to suspected leakers to see if they'd tell the media, according to report
–– In leak of his own.

Washington NFL Team Retires Old Nickname, Logo; Developing New Name and Design
–– Red spins.

A Florida python named Elvis is helping stop the spread of the state's most notorious pest
–– Only snake with hips shimmies, shakes them away.

Mueller Slams Roger Stone Clemency, Saying Stone 'Remains A Convicted Felon'
–– Not Stone washed.

Pelosi blasts Roger Stone commutation as 'an act of staggering corruption' as Trump defends move
–– ‘A heartbreaking work of staggering corruption.’

We Can Still Get the Truth From Roger Stone
–– Like blood from Stone.

House Judiciary Wants to Limit Trump's Power After Stone Commutation
–– Pardon parcel.

Paul Thomas Anderson's 1970s High School Movie Moving From Focus to MGM
–– Sounds out-of-Focus.

Lady A, the Singer, Claims Band ‘Used Wealth and Influence to Bully Me,’ Says ‘Co-Existence Will Not Work’
–– Never-was disses has-beens.

Darius Rucker and Wife Decide to "Consciously Uncouple" After 20 Years of Marriage
–– He separates from her caboose.

’Greyhound’ Director Explains Why Tom Hanks’ WWII Movie Constantly Repeats Military Commands
–– Coronavirus damaged Hanks’ hearing.

Joey Lawrence Files for Divorce from Wife Chandie Yawn-Nelson After 15 Years of Marriage
–– Something tells us she was bored.

Five Guys employees were fired for refusing to serve police officers in Alabama, as tension mounts between service workers and law enforcement
–– Told to burger off.

Jeff Sessions Has 'No Regrets' After Losing Senate Bid to Trump-Backed College Football Coach
–– Would slavishly promote racist agenda as Attorney General while suffering daily abuse and then betrayal by former boss in humiliating defeat again tomorrow.

Bill de Blasio's hopeless 'violence interrupters' cure for NYC's soaring crime
–– As long as they say ‘excuse me.’

The French Underwear Trend That Makes Your Legs Look Way Longer
–– Stilts sewn in.

Hardcore Jurassic Park fans can now own an animatronic dinosaur
–– Hardcore, soft head.

Goya CEO proves you can fight city hall in Outrageville, other CEOs need to step up to the mob, too
–– Dispatch from Fox News, Outrageville City Hall.

Chrissy Teigen and More Celebrities Are Calling for a Goya Boycott
–– Find Disasters of War ‘kinda depressing.’

Alexander Hamilton-Aaron Burr duel was 215 years ago today: 'We rode across the Hudson at dawn'
–– Sadly, no Burr blank.

‘Skin’ Trailer: New Documentary Uncovers the History of Nudity in Movies
–– From earliest single strips of black and white film?

The St. Louis couple who threatened Black Lives Matter protesters with guns once made children cry after destroying their bee hives
–– Reportedly hurt feelings of McDonald’s worker when they didn’t get enough fries in Super-size Me order.

Writing 'Black Lives Matter' in Chalk Now Illegal in City of Selah
–– How about spray paint?

Cops release video of guy who threw paint on BLM mural at Trump Tower
–– How about BM mural in lobby?

Black couple stopped by officers for ‘driving on a road’ sparks police watchdog investigation
–– Canine: ’Don't look at me.’

The iOS keyboard now suggests the Black fist emoji if you type ‘Black Lives Matter’ or ‘BLM’
–– White fist if you type 'asshole.'

Stanley Kubrick’s Career Was Propelled by Box Office Success More Than by Critics
–– Auteur critic rule.

Penguins take a field trip to Chicago's Field Museum
–– On Tuxedo Night!

Poland’s anti-LGBT+ president Andrzej Duda wins re-election, say officials
–– Zip-a-Dee Duda.

Judge blocks federal executions hours before first lethal injection in 17 years for triple murder
–– Cites poison of interest.

Iowa Drug Kingpin Who Was Convicted of Killing 5 People Is Executed
–– Suspected, but never found guilty in 2020 Caucuses.

Why Sanyu, the 'Chinese Matisse,' is setting the art market alight
–– Knockoff early.

Canadian mobster killed in shooting, police say
–– Hitman’s apology note pinned to body.

Why don’t we get woken by our own snoring?
–– Like Christopher?

Koalas and other marsupials struggle to recover from Australia’s bushfires
–– Feel ‘burnt out.’

Wayfair Stock Is Up Over 100 Percent In Spite of Bizarre Conspiracy Theory
–– Which is like way fair.

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry told to 'Cut the C***' On Green Credentials
–– Can't she just 'Trim the C***'?

Malcolm McDowell: 'I have no memory of doing most of my films'
–– Us either, Little Alex.

USC will remove a John Wayne exhibit after actor's racist comments resurfaced
–– Duke is out.

Trump defends frequent golfing, saying 'my exercise is playing'
–– ‘And tweeting.’

New York Times: Trump considered selling Puerto Rico following Hurricane Maria, former acting Homeland Security chief says
–– Ordered matter be reviewed by ‘PR Department.’

Former USA Gymnastics coach is arrested and faces charges of lewdness with a minor
–– Rings familiar.

Trump Says He ‘Aced’ a Cognition Test. What Does That Tell Us?
–– Wasn’t asked to define cognition.

Somebody paid a record $114,000 for a rare Super Mario Bros. video game
–– Correction: Some asshole.

Actor Armie Hammer and wife separate after 10 years of marriage
–– Armie marches off.

Burger King Changed Their Cows’ Diet to Reduce Methane Emissions From Farts
–– Customers gassier than ever.

Woman Films Herself Calling Store Employees 'Nazis' Over Mask Dispute
–– Leni Riefenstahl of base.

Russia Is Trying to Steal Virus Vaccine Data, Western Nations Say
–– There are bugs in every lab.

Georgia Gov. Kemp sues Atlanta to block mandatory mask rule, saying local leaders want to 'undermine economic growth'
–– Particularly in funeral industry.

Georgia Lt. Gov Calls His Mask Use 'Selfish' After Kemp Sues Over Mandate
–– Because everyone wants to share his bitchin' Stars 'n' Bars N95.

U.S. Coronavirus Cases Hit New Daily Record as Officials Squabble Over Mask-Wearing
–– Make them wear gags.

Walmart will start requiring customers in US stores to wear masks
–– And some sort of covering below belt.

Florida Dems blast DeSantis, demand coronavirus mask mandate as state cases surge
–– Yes, Virginia, there is a DeSantis clause.

Clare Crawley Seen Filming The Bachelorette at La Quinta Resort: It's 'a Protective Bubble': Source
–– Not creepy Crawley?

Man jailed for offering fake tax refunds in Covid-19 scam
–– Blames side effects of antibodies.

Life-Size Tom Hanks Signs Promoting Social Distancing Pop Up Around Toronto amid Coronavirus Pandemic
–– Cut it out.

Why do we have different blood types — and do they make us more vulnerable to Covid-19?
–– You're asking us?

There were no reports of coronavirus in Yosemite. Then they tested the park’s sewage
–– And what was spewing out of Old Faithful?

How green is your fake lawn? Sales have soared during lockdown
–– When people have all the time in world to mow.

Water-repellent surfaces that mimic insect wings could be used in PPE
–– Cause minor flap.

Trump ‘stands by his actions’ over telling people to inject disinfectants, press secretary says
–– ‘He has about a liter of Lysol in bloodstream now.’

Miami is now the coronavirus epicenter as cases surge, expert says
–– Bug getting nice tan.

'Why would I donate to my host?' Airbnb guests perplexed by 'kindness card' email suggesting extra payments
–– Same question coronavirus asks when it infects human.

Rose Byrne Has Spent Quarantine Making Banana Bread With an Occasional Assist From Partner Bobby Cannavale
–– Byrnes it.

Emily Atack admits she has been on Zoom dates during lockdown
–– She really goes at it.

How Do Mets Feel About Quiet Ballparks?
–– Same as usual.

Coronavirus: Jair Bolsonaro says he ‘can’t stand’ being in isolation and will retake test
–– Used to endless do-overs.

Some U.S. Retailers Quietly End ‘Hero Pay’ For Essential Workers Despite Surge
–– Even Jersey Mike’s?

Dow surges 500 points and stocks turn positive for 2020
–– Literally only thing in America that has.

A New York City doctor who battled coronavirus along with hundreds of his patients says proper PPE is needed to keep medical workers safe, but some are again reporting shortages
–– Government’s only had like 5 months to get shit together.

The White House Made a List of All the Times Fauci ‘Has Been Wrong’ on the Coronavirus
–– Empty Column B is times Trump has been right.

Dr. Fauci calls for ‘step back’ on reopenings; Trump retweets Chuck Woolery claim ‘everyone is lying’
–– Woolery bullery.

Trump Shares Chuck Woolery Tweet That CDC ‘Is Lying’ About COVID-19
–– And think of coroners’ conspiracy!

Former colleagues warn Birx's rise could come at a cost
–– Birx in stock?

Queen knights Captain Tom, 100-year-old raising millions for healthcare workers, in rare ceremony
–– Weight of sword pitches Her Highness over, severs Tom’s limb.

Donald Trump wears mask in public for first time during Covid-19 pandemic
–– Still ugliest bastard in room.

This is what the Surgeon General had to say about mask mandates
–– Surgeon for answers.

Rays' Kevan Smith Discusses Problems Faced Wearing Mask in Florida Amid Pandemic
–– Even catcher’s mask!

Joanna Cole, author of 'The Magic School Bus,' dies age 75
–– Last stop.