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Roberts' Rules of Ordure
Week of 07/10/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Chief Justice Roberts shoves Trump’s taxes up the backside of Treasury Secretary Mnuchin who is standing on a book of Common LawSupreme Court All But Ensures Trump Tax Returns Won't Be an Election Issue
–– Sparing us impression he wasn't entirely truthful.

Trump commutes Roger Stone's sentence
–– Takes A-hole train.

Trump poised to run out political clock on emoluments suits
–– How about straitjackets?

Supreme Court says Trump can weaken Obamacare contraceptive mandate
–– Where the rubbers hit the road.

Supreme Court deals major blow to Keystone XL project
–– Keystone kaps.

Chief Ousted NY prosecutor tells panel Barr 'urged' him to resign
–– In latest slang for ‘forced.’

Roberts Was Hospitalized Last Month With a Head Injury
–– Misplaced gavel, used noggin instead.

5 Eyebrow-Raising Details In Mary Trump’s New Book About The President
–– Bushy, unkempt, Donald-style eyebrows.

Man Hurls Racist Abuse at Asian Family in Video: 'Trump's Gonna F*** You!'
–– Any porn stars in family?

Liberal writers, activists sign open letter calling to end 'cancel culture'
–– Far Left responds with calm, thoughtful ‘We appreciate your opinon and fuck you very much.'

10 Percent of Democrats Will Vote for Trump, Poll Says
–– Don't call 'em donkeys for nothin'.

Trump accuses Biden of plagiarizing his economic proposals
–– Both read same comic book?

Guyana’s president still refuses to accept his election loss. Caricom says it’s time
–– Known as Trump of Caribbean.

Botswana gets first test results on elephant deaths
–– Tackle the ivories.

Erdogan Clinches Cherished Goal of Making Hagia Sophia a Mosque
–– Hiya, Sophia, Bye-ya, Sophia.

Lopez Obrador says Trump has 'completely changed' attitude toward Mexicans
–– From ‘hatred’ to ‘contempt.’

NYPD Sees ‘Troubling’ 400 Percent Surge in Retirement Applications
–– And 500% surge in masochists seeking jobs.

Trump, not his doctor, wrote glowing 2015 letter on his health, physician now says
–– His physician wrote last State of Union high.

Law Firms Helping the GOP Restrict Voting Rights Got Millions in PPP Loans
–– Unforgivable loans.

Goya CEO tells Fox he won't apologize after his praise for Trump sparks boycott
–– Spills beans.

Donald Trump Likes Tweet About Summer Walker 'Bringing the Stripper Back'
–– Fan of poll dancer in election year.

Byron Allen on His Plans for Media Domination: "What You See Today Will Be 10,000 Times Bigger”
–– ‘But no better.’

Johnny Depp Says Feces in Bed Was Last Straw in Marriage to Amber Heard
–– Sheet happens.

Demi Moore revealed she has wall-to-wall brown carpet in her bathroom and it's dividing fans online
–– Do drapes match carpet?

Ian McKellen Once Advised Patrick Stewart Against 'Star Trek' Role: "He’s Long Forgiven Me"
–– Didn’t want to Picard fight with him.

Trevor Noah Is Taking 'The Daily Show' Places It's 'Never Been Before'
–– To ‘utterly unfunny.’

Cristin Milioti, Forever
–– We mean, once you’ve even heard of her.

Attorney for White woman who called police on Black birdwatcher decries 'cancel culture’
–– But she's sitting duck.

We Can't Solve Climate Issues Without Talking About Black Lives Matter
–– Can’t discuss anything without talking about it.

Why "all lives matter" is a hurtful thing to say
–– Have you met people?

Alexander Hamilton Didn’t Own Slaves, But He Was Complicit in the System
–– Or lived when he did.

Bad Bunny makes Playboy history with new cover
–– Worst Bunny ever.

Baby raptor discovered in Alaska may have been a permanent resident of the ancient Arctic
–– Scientists locate citizenship papers.

The Dilophosaurus Is a Lot Different Than We Think
–– ‘We’ have no idea what you’re talking about.

Seafood fraud: why your Mediterranean swordfish might actually be shark
–– The plastic sword?

Whale Sharks Have Tiny Teeth On Their Eyeballs
–– And want to devour you with eyes.

Bizarre Snake-like Creatures Probably Evolved a Poisonous Bite Before Snakes Ever Did
–– Probably a poisonous-like bite, but who knows?

Four-Foot Snake Rings Kansas Man's Doorbell: 'Not What I Expected'
–– He’d ordered six-foot boa from escort service.

Vermont mandates composting, bans food scraps from trash
–– Something’s rotten in Montpelier.

’Alien-like’ creature resembling E.T. discovered in ancient area of Pacific seafloor
–– So are you lamely referencing Alien or ET?

10,000-Year-Old Neolithic Figurines Discovered in Jordan Burials
–– Of Bulls.

De-extinction: Can we bring extinct animals back from the dead?
–– Ask Melisandre of Asshai.

Hummingbirds Learn to Count to Find Their Favorite Flowers
–– And hum alphabet.

Models that mimic bug brains shed light in smell
–– Many models have bug brains.

Model suggests it could take decades for planet to start cooling after emissions are reduced
–– 'Like when I cool down after a strengthuous workout.'

SHERLOC instrument built at Johnson Space Center will travel to Mars
–– IBM’s Watson so jealous.

Mars Had Landslide-Powered Tsunamis That Put Earth's Mega-Waves to Shame
–– Mars surfers are like: ‘Eat it, Earthians!’

Why the dinosaurs' extinction is an ongoing puzzle
–– No one to ask.

Ming Dynasty encyclopedia sells for more than $9 million at auction -- 1,000 times the expected price
–– With entry for underlined.

Long distance-running Homo erectus was 'built like a rugby player'
–– With ‘third leg’ like polo mallet.

Long-eared owl chick lets out a huge yawn as it perches on tree
–– Or is he laughing at researchers?

Global Warming. Inequality. Covid-19. And Al Gore Is ... Optimistic?
–– Back in Tennessee where grain alcohol’s potent.

Brooks Brothers files for bankruptcy
–– Double invested suit.

AI Robot scientist does in days what it would take a human months to do
–– Why else put up with his awful personality?

Gwyneth Paltrow Says She Got Son Moses, 14, a 'Boob Puzzle Just for Fun'
–– Picture of her?

Celebrity photographer Andy Gotts remembers his best shoots
–– Gotts to be kidding.

Mother-daughter duo gets bikini wax together in hilarious 's Mothered' clip
–– Waxes pathetic.

Native Americans and Polynesians Met Around 1200 A.D.
–– Had poi-wow.

A former US soldier has pleaded not guilty to charges he was planning an attack on his own unit
–– His male member has other story.

GOP group to launch multimillion-dollar ad campaign to stop Kobach in Kansas Senate primary
–– Tagline: Kobach Where You Came From.

Dutch police discover secret torture site in shipping containers
–– Ordered from Eekbay.

South Africa luxury hotel invites guests to sleep on a train permanently parked on a bridge
–– Every room has diving board for 'pool.'

Florida jogger finds decomposing human head on side of the road
–– Had gone for a roll.

Halle Berry apologizes and is no longer considering a transgender role in upcoming film
–– Cissy.

Mary Trump levels scathing criticism of President in new book obtained by CNN
–– Niece to the balls.

Trump cheated on his SAT by paying someone to take it for him, according to Mary Trump's new book
–– Not same student he paid to wipe bum?

Charlize Theron says being passed over for 'Mad Max' prequel was 'a little heartbreaking'
–– Not Furiosa about it?

Charlize Theron Wants Her 2 Black Daughters to 'Grow Up In A World Where They See Themselves'
–– More mirrors?

Actress Julia Sawalha fired from 'Chicken Run 2' for sounding 'too old'
–– No spring chicken.

Chris Hemsworth to undergo 'insanely physical' transformation to play Hulk Hogan
–– Vocal cords will be shredded.

Trump idea of 'National Garden of American Heroes' raises questions
––Does he have any idea what 'hero'means?

Frank Sinatra ‘loathed’ Trump, says singer’s daughter after president lauded star
–– Because he wouldn’t pay up, but still…

Hong Kong Denies Bail to First Person Charged under New National-Security Law
–– China seize.

Top U.S. General: Military Must Take 'Hard Look' At Bases Named For Confederate Leaders
–– Braggs he would Pickett Southern forts where they Polk fun, raise Hill or wear Hood.

Georgia activists seek to remove 'Stone Mountain', the 'granddaddy of Confederate monuments'
–– Supremacists: 'Bah, relief.'

Elon Musk's ex-wife Talulah Riley issued a statement denying she was procured for Musk as a 'child bride' by Ghislaine Maxwell
–– 'I mean, they lied about my age.'

Ghislaine Maxwell argues for bail, says she's 'not Jeffrey Epstein'
–– Does have a set of balls on her.

Epstein’s alleged accomplice pictured posing on British throne with Kevin Spacey
–– Kink and Queen.

Trump spends most of his time in the Oval Office watching TV instead of listening to his advisers, John Bolton suggests
–– It’s Fox News either way.

Trump Rage-Quits Fox News After Network Shows Him Trailing Joe Biden In Polls
–– Will rage-blow them again soon enough.

‘We Should Listen to the Argument’ for Removing George Washington Statues, Says Senator Duckworth
–– In latest slang for 'hysterical tantrum.'

Sen. Tammy Duckworth, who lost her legs serving in Iraq, hits back after Tucker Carlson suggests she hates America
–– He's never had leg to stand on.

St Louis Mayor Tells Protesters, 'You Guys Should Probably Go on Home'
–– Protesters: 'After 4 straight months? Yes, please.'

Time capsule believed to contain Gen. Robert E. Lee's button and a hair from his horse found under a Confederate monument
–– Protesters demand buttons popped, hair clipped.

Frederick Douglass statue vandalized in Rochester park
–– Spite said Fred.

Neil Young Objects to Songs Being Played at Trump Mount Rushmore Event
–– Angry Young man.

Kanye West Announces 2020 Presidential Run
–– Motto: Kanye, Believe It.

What would President Kanye West’s Middle East policy be?
–– East is Wast and West is worst.

Mark Cuban Won't Vote for Kanye West After Saying He'd Back Him Over Trump
–– Cuban

’Independence Day’ Star Bill Pullman Tells Americans to Wear Face Masks in Public
–– So aliens don’t recognize them.

America could run out of fireworks this weekend. Here's why
–– Can’t set off toilet rolls?

They envisioned a world without police. Inside Seattle's CHOP zone, protesters struggled to make it real
–– CHOP sucky?

In Russia, portraying women's bodies can get you arrested
–– Selling them can make you rich.

'Best chance we have': Wild bison will return to the UK for the first time in 6,000 years
–– England desperate for immigrants in light of Brexit.

How a Syrian Bulgarian wrestler became a 'terror' suspect
–– Tough to pin down.

Miami broke its all-time heat record for June, but no warnings were issued. Here's why
–– National Weather Service standards not so hot.

A rare case of brain-destroying amoeba has been confirmed in Florida
–– So what destroyed all other brains down there?

Rushmore was Trump at his best
–– SAD, but true.

Two-thirds of American disapprove of Trump's handling of coronavirus
–– Can’t understand final turd.

As Coronavirus Rages, Trump’s Aides Are Scrambling to Keep Him In a Good Mood
–– Highlighting Blue State deaths.

Birx touts global cooperation as Trump makes WHO exit official
–– Birx in stock.

Trump’s Reckless Push To Reopen Schools Is An Admission Of Failure
–– Flunked exam.

How Many Sick Children and Teachers Are Worth It? What About Dead Ones?
–– Trick questions?

Gov. Ron DeSantis Mocked For Comparing Reopening Schools To Shopping At Walmart
–– Where he bought his diploma.

Beto O'Rourke Calls Upon Texas Governor to Resign Over Handling of COVID-19
–– And join him in retirement.

U.S. sets one-day record with more than 60,500 COVID cases; Americans divided
–– Anti and pro-death?

Why Hasn’t Anthony Fauci Been on TV? Doc Says It’s Because He’s ‘Speaking the Truth at All Times’
–– Why not on To Tell the Truth?

Fauci Says He Hasn't Briefed Trump in 'at Least Two Months'
–– And Trump hasn’t listened to him for ‘at least six.’

Fauci: US is ‘still knee-deep in first wave’ of pandemic as it passes 130,000 deaths
–– That’s not our knee, Tony.

On the Unexpected Feelings of Longing Brought On by Paparazzi Shots of Maskless Celebrities in London
–– And the certainty most American ones look better with.

New Swine Flu Strain With Pandemic Potential Isn’t Cause for Alarm
–– So shove headline.

Robert De Niro cuts estranged wife's card expenses as actor claims fortune hit by coronavirus
–– No king of comity.

Kayleigh McEnany: Trump says hydroxychloroquine is a promising prophylactic
–– Melania demands he place pill in condom before sex.

I’ve learned that being fed by friends is an act of love
–– Psst, they actually hate you.

New York's hungry rats torment alfresco diners after lockdown famine
–– Hold wine for ‘appetizer ransom.’

Why Isn't California Criticized Like Florida on Covid-19?
–– Media: Better Red when dead.

Florida county reports 33.5% positivity rate
–– The happiest place on earth?

People with Neanderthal Genes May Have Higher Risk of Contracting COVID-19
–– Cave to disease?

Michael Cohen taken into custody for violating terms of his early release from prison
–– Coronavirus promises it would never infect 'that icky body.'

Tom Hanks says wearing a mask should be so simple in first TV interview since recovering from Covid-19
–– Americans even too simple for that.

Tucker Carlson Contradicts Himself Over Mask Stance
–– Needs one for each face.

Ibiza Thanking Europe's Healthcare Workers With Free Vacations Next Year
–– Must wear masks over naughty bits.

New Hampshire's GOP governor defends Trump's rally -- but isn't attending
–– Not that stupid?

Man cuts through fence to escape New Zealand Covid-19 quarantine and visit liquor store
–– For bug juice.

Coronavirus pandemic could cause wave of brain damage, scientists warn
–– A little late in Florida, Georgia, Texas, California.

Brazil’s Jair Bolsonaro tests positive for Covid-19 after months of dismissing the seriousness of the virus
–– Rio virus.

Coronavirus: Japan's mysteriously low virus death rate
–– And America’s obviously moronic one.

'We Have Dreaded This Day': Coronavirus Has Been Detected in War-Ravaged Idlib
–– Will need to ad lib response.

Kimberly Guilfoyle, Girlfriend Of Don Jr., Tests Positive For Coronavirus
–– Only test smart enough to pass.

The WHO changed its coronavirus timeline to say it got its first report about the virus on the internet, not from Chinese authorities
–– 12/31/19: New Year’s evil.

FDA commissioner refuses to defend Trump claim that 99% of Covid-19 cases are ‘harmless'
–– Doesn’t point out Trump 99% harmful.

Strip club employees, customers hit with coronavirus outbreak, Michigan officials say
–– From waist down.

Penn State is tracking those in contact with a 21-year-old student who died of Covid-19 complications
–– Because city, state, fed can’t track scat.

‘Crystal clear' that drunk people can't socially distance -- UK police officer
–– Except when barfing.

James Sherwood, Who Revived the Orient Express, Dies at 86
–– Hercule Poirot on case.

Ennio Morricone, Oscar-winning film composer, dies at 91
–– A fistful of dirt.

Earl Cameron, Trailblazing Actor of British Films, Dies at 102
–– Cameron croak.